NATIONAL LAMPOON’S DIRTY MOVIE (2011) * ½

The National Lampoon brand stopped being relevant somewhere around Christmas Vacation.  Van Wilder was probably the last good movie under the Lampoon moniker.  That hasn’t prevented producers from trying to wring more money from the empty shell that was once an admired and respected American institution. 

Dirty Movie is kind of like a throwback to the ‘70s era of sketch comedy movies like If You Don’t Stop It… You’ll Go Blind!!! and Can I Do It Till I Need Glasses? as it’s full of skits that are more or less filmed versions of dirty jokes.  (The title makes me think it was meant to cash in on those awful early 2000s parodies like Epic Movie and Disaster Movie.)  It also kinda reminded me of Playboy’s Private Party Jokes, except not nearly as good. 

The wraparound scenes of a producer (Christopher Meloni, sporting a bad wig and even worse dentures) pitching the movie to the CEO of the company (Robert Klein) is similar to Movie 43 (which came out two years later).  At least that movie had an incredible cast.  The biggest celebrities they could find to cameo in this were Cyndi Lauper and Larry Holmes.  Honestly, these scenes just feel like an attempt by the filmmakers to let themselves off the hook for the shoddy way everything has been cobbled together.  (That goes double for the scenes where the director questions Meloni if the movie will work since it doesn’t have a story.)

A movie like this is bound to be uneven given its very nature.  The only way to really rate something like this is if you laugh or not.  Well, I think I may have laughed about one and a half times.  That works out to be about One Star a joke.  There is some gratuitous nudity here and there, although not enough of it to really earn the “Dirty” in Dirty Movie.  Heck, it’s barely a “Movie”.

If you ever owned a dirty joke book in your time, you’ve probably heard many of these jokes before (or at least variations on them).  Lots of the punchlines are predictable and even more reek of desperation.  A sequel followed, which is pretty crazy seeing how there was hardly enough here to make one movie, let alone two. 

AKA:  Dirty Movie.

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SEXY TIMETRIP NINJAS (1984) ***

Hisayasu (Naked Blood) Sato was the assistant director for this nutty but fun “Pink” film.  In the 17th century, Lady Ninja Kagero tries to steal a scroll from a Ninja named Sasuke.  During their battle, an earthquake occurs and they fall into a timeslip which sends them to present day Japan.  Sasuke winds up on a commuter train where he discovers the joy of groping strange women.  Meanwhile, Kagero finds work in a brothel and quickly becomes popular among the clientele, mostly because she uses her Ninja skills in the bedroom.  Separately, they begin looking for a cache of treasure while having increasingly dirty encounters.  Eventually they agree to put their differences aside in order to find the treasure. 

Director Yojiro Takita made dozens of “Groper Train” movies.  I’m guessing this is part of the series as there are plenty of scenes of women being fondled on public transportation.  However, the addition of time traveling Ninjas gives it its own unique vibe.  The “fish out of water” scenes, while never quite laugh out loud funny, are amusing for the most part.  The scenes of groping and softcore sex aren’t exactly sexy either, but that’s perfectly acceptable since many of them are humorous and/or have a goofy tone.  Because of that, they are enormously fun to watch. 

Any movie that features a mix of time travel, Ninjas, and public groping is bound to be uneven.  Even with a relatively scant running time of sixty-six minutes, the film runs out of steam before it crosses the finish line.  (The abrupt ending is the biggest debit.)  It’s crazy to think that after decades of directing Pink movies, Takita later won an Oscar for Best Foreign Film!  However, I think some of the dialogue in this was Oscar worthy too.  (“So… this is a Ninja’s pussy?”)

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EVIL DEAD BURN (2026) *** ½

The Evil Dead franchise is kind of like that old family summerhouse.  The owners, producers Rob Tapert, Sam Raimi, and Bruce Campbell, really don’t have any use for it anymore, so they occasionally rent it out to others as a way to make passive income in their twilight years.  The previous tenant (the makers of Evil Dead Rise) really stunk the place up.  Fortunately, the new folks who are taking care of the property are much more fun to be around. 

Now I enjoyed the 2013 remake for what it was, namely an Evil Dead movie without Bruce Campbell.  Evil Dead Rise on the other hand was pretty abominable in just about every regard.  The new film, Evil Dead Burn is a nice amalgam of the new school Evil Dead aesthetic and the grueling terror that made the old films classics. 

A family is mourning the death of their son along with his battered wife Alice (Souheila Yacoub) in their decaying country home.  Pretty soon, the family members become possessed and start trying to kill each other.  It’s eventually up to Alice to send them all back to Hell. 

Director Sebastien Vanicek injects some humor into the film, which helps break up the tension.  It’s needed too as the Deadite carnage is often harrowing and gory as Hell.  In fact, this is probably the goriest major release in some time.  (Consider that Obsession had to be cut for a similar scene involving someone’s face getting smashed in, but this one looks like it came out unscathed.)  There’s some gnarly stuff here.  Fishhooks, car seat headrests, pens, weed whackers, and jackhammers are all used to ghoulish effect.  There’s even a Dog-ite in there too.  The ickiest scene might be when a Deadite takes an old woman’s upper plate out of her mouth and sticks it in hers.  We’re talking Puke City.  This film is also notable for featuring the first instance of twerking in Evil Dead movie, so that’s cinematically important. 

Yacoub is solid in the lead.  This is one of those “trauma horror” movies, so the fact that her character is fighting her dead husband is meant to be a metaphor for the lingering effects of her abusive relationship.  While it doesn’t quite land perfectly, it’s not as clunky as some of these movies.  Hunter Doohan is the MVP though as he takes a beating and then some.  I’m sure Bruce Campbell would be proud. 

Sure, Evil Dead Burn is far from perfect.  It’s way too long (nearly two hours) and the final showdown with a CGI baddie (which is reminiscent of the ending of both the Evil Dead remake and the original Terminator) is unnecessary.  (If the film ended ten minutes earlier, it possibly could’ve scored Four Stars.)  Those qualms aside, Burn shows there’s still life in the old franchise. 

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LILI’S WEDDING NIGHT (1952) * ½

Renowned burlesque stripper Lili (Varitease) St. Cyr headlines this dreary burlesque movie from director Lillian (Too Hot to Handle) Hunt.  It’s essentially a filmed burlesque act for 90% of the running time until the final fantasy sequence featuring St. Cyr.  It’s pretty rough going until then too. 

The show kicks off with chorus girls performing a few cowgirl themed numbers, including one where a dancer uses a lasso.   Next, we have a painfully unfunny skit about a guy getting his buddy’s help to ask for his girlfriend’s hand in marriage.  Then the Countess Vera Richkova, a blonde with a thick French accent, does a song and dance number in which she produces a cigarette from her brassiere as smokes it while strutting around the stage.  That’s followed by another dance routine where the chorus line supports a singer doing a number called “Goodbye Mary”.  Then the emcee for the show comes out and does an unfortunate number in blackface.  Next there’s a song and dance routine about a couple with a big age gap. 

Things switch from black and white to full color for the next segment in which the countess encores for another dance.  The color motif continues into the final sequence, which features the headliner Lili St. Cyr in her bedroom on her wedding night.  She eventually changes out of her wedding gown and takes a bath.  This is the only sequence worth a damn and that’s not just because it’s the only one that shows the faintest glimpses of skin.  It’s because this is the only portion of the film that looks like any thought was put into it, even if the gimmick wasn’t explored to its fullest potential. 

As far as the genre goes, Lili’s Wedding Night is pretty lifeless.  The numbers are staged rather indifferently, and the point-and-shoot style is cut and dry.  The numbers and routines leave much to be desired too, and the comedy sections are even worse.  In short, this is one wedding night not worth remembering. 

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SEXCULA (1974) ***

A female Frankenstein creates a man (naturally named “Frankie”) in her mad scientist lab.  The first order of business is to suck his dick.  When she realizes he can’t get it up, she calls on her vampire cousin Count Sexcula to teach him the art of lovemaking.  When that fails, she goes out to collect “sex cells” from her various conquests to transplant into Frankie’s body. 

This is one wacky horror themed porno comedy.  If you’re hoping for a straight-up horror skin flick you may be a tad disappointed by the film’s “everything but the kitchen sink” approach.  However, the humor lands more often than not.  There’s some truly funny dialogue too (“The stories of this place would curl your pubes!”), and some of the sex scenes are surprisingly kinda hot. 

The film takes advantage of the monster motif for most of the running time.  The doctor has a sexy robot love slave who communicates telepathically, there’s a horny hunchback assistant, and a gorilla who forces himself on strippers.  Most of this is pretty amusing too.  Heck, even the sex scenes that don’t feature monster-centric action still manage to be rather entertaining.  The highlight is the porno-within-a-porno about a couple who can’t wait for their vows to be exchanged to celebrate their wedding night and begin boinking at the altar while priest is in the middle of the ceremony!  Here comes the bride indeed!

I’m not saying all the sex scenes are winners.  The lesbian lovemaking session during a claustrophobic coach ride goes on far too long and the ending suffers from too much cutting back and forth between the various couples.  The wraparound scenes of a couple exploring Frankenstein’s castle just sort of feel like filler too.  That said, there is plenty of fun to be had here.  A few wonky bits aside, I can assuredly say that Sexcula doesn’t suck. 

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THE ASTROLOGER (1976) ***

The Astrologer is an odd and uneven disasterpiece/egoploitation drama that will have you scratching your head and chuckling to yourself for much of its seventy-seven-minute running time.  It satisfies the primary function of an egoploitation film in that it is the brainchild of an actor/director who had no business in front of or behind a camera.  It also helps that the audience for said film was primarily the man who made it.  In this case it was Craig Denney. 

Denney stars as an astrologer in a carnival who is tired of eking out a living reading palms.  He goes for the big score of smuggling diamonds and uses the profits to fund his astrology organization who counts the U.S. military among its clients.  His downfall begins when he sinks his fortune into movies and tries to make his wife a star. 

While this never quite hits the heights of say a Neil Breen picture, Breen and Denney seem to be kindred spirits when it comes to unconventional storytelling techniques.  Denney has created a film in which mere edits and simple scene transitions seemingly don’t exist.  One minute, he’s hanging out drinking wine in an American graveyard and the next, he’s in a Kenyan prison.  A precious few seconds are devoted to a major character dying in quicksand while minutes are spent on a montage of Denny aboard a boat while The Moody Blues’ “Tuesday Afternoon” plays on the soundtrack (totally unauthorized no less).  Then of course, there’s the totally random ending that will leave you asking yourself, “Huh?”

There are some lulls in between the WTF moments of inspiration.  However, the film’s reckless headlong spirit is a sight to behold.  The way it hops from genre to genre (it goes from carny drama to jungle adventure to a rags to riches story at a breakneck pace) is inspired, and the slight detour into meta territory is kind of bonkers.  (At one point, Denny’s character makes a movie about himself called… what else?  The Astrologer!)  

In short, fans of oddball ego-driven independent maverick moviemaking will undoubtedly find something to enjoy here. 

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BETTY’S REVENGE (2026) *

After a slew of Winnie-the-Pooh and Mickey Mouse horror movies it was only a matter of time before low-budget filmmakers set their sights on making Betty Boop into a public domain slasher.  Too bad they do next to nothing with the concept.  In fact, you have to wonder if the filmmakers just took a pre-existing script and just slapped the character of Betty Boop in there just to cash in on her public domain status. 

Three friends go to an old mansion to investigate an urban legend.  Betty (Hannah Fierman), their strange host, gifts them a diary linked to the house’s shady past.  Before they can even finish perusing the book, they wind up locked inside the spooky mansion.  Eventually, they discover Betty has a serious axe to grind. 

Betty’s Revenge is maligned almost from the get-go thanks to the aggressively annoying performances by the three leads.  The scenes of them bickering, wandering around the mansion, and talking about the weather grinds everything to a halt even before the film has a chance to gather momentum.  This is one slow-moving movie.  It’s only seventy-four minutes long but it feels twice that length.  Plus, the ending really sucks, and the last-minute flashback feels like it was only tacked on to further bloat the running time.  

The most egregious parts are the long scenes of the Final Girl reading excerpts from Betty’s diary.  They are a chore to sit through and seemingly go on forever. It’s almost like watching a movie version of Audible. 

It also doesn’t help that the Betty character is underused.  She basically just stands in the shadows and remains silent for most of the movie.  You’d think Betty’s squeaky voice could be used to creepy effect, but the filmmakers don’t even try.  Adding insult to injury is the fact that the body count is low and the gore is weak.  (There are some eyeballs that get ripped out, but that’s about it.)

There is a clip from a public domain Betty Boop cartoon, but it’s almost tossed in there as an afterthought.  In fact, the whole movie feels like it was made as an afterthought.  Actually, I don’t think the filmmakers put any thought into this mess at all. 

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