FOUR DIMENSIONS OF GRETA (1973) ** ½

Pete (Frightmare) Walker already had a couple of softcore sex comedies under his belt before he made this, the first British 3-D movie.  A journalist named Hans (Tristan Rogers) is looking for a German au pair named Greta (Leena Skoog) on the streets of London.  He interviews four people, all of whom relate flashbacks of their encounters with Greta.  Each flashback is shown in 3-D (don’t worry, there’s a trippy red and blue visual cue so you know when to put on your glasses), contain lots of nudity, and are easily the best parts.  

In the first flashback, a former roommate reveals how Greta forced her to work like Cinderella while she participated in orgies.  In the second, Greta performs a sexy dance number behind a fluttering air curtain.  The third has her playing house with a soccer player (Robin Askwith).  They drink wine, she feeds him fruit, and then they hop in bed.  The final flashback finds Greta getting it on in a massage parlor with her boss.

Here’s a rundown on the 3-D effects:

·         3-D Bra
·         3-D Panties
·         3-D Feet
·         3-D Cigarette Holder
·         3-D Cigarette Holder (again)
·         3-D Feet (again)
·         3-D Punching Bag
·         3-D Wine Glasses (multiple)
·         3-D Grapes (multiple)
·         3-D Bananas (multiple)
·         3-D Robin Askwith
·         3-D Leena Skoog
·         3-D Whiskey Glass
·         3-D Broken Bottle
·         3-D Robin Askwith (again)

The effects themselves are a bit of a mixed bag.  The best effects are the ones where things come out of the foreground.  The effect of Greta riding back and forth on a swing really pops and the scene where she slowly comes forward blowing kisses at the audience is a showstopper.  The rest of the 3-D, especially the depth-of-field stuff, looks blurry and/or flat, but Walker does more with the gimmick than most directors.

Let’s make no mistake here, this is a gimmick movie.  Without the 3-D, Four Dimensions of Greta would’ve been completely forgettable.  The 3-D is just good enough to make it worthwhile.  It’s not as funny and fun as something like The Stewardesses, but it’s not bad, all things considered.

For a sex comedy, it’s not exactly funny, but there are a few chuckles to be had, most revolving around Robin Askwith.  (“Being with her was like getting a ball down the center!”)  As Greta, Skoog is a real find.  Admittedly, she’s not much of an actress.  She is incredibly sexy though and perks up the movie whenever she’s on screen.

It all kind of falls apart after the last 3-D sequence as the final act runs on a bit too long.  Still, there’s enough nudity to go around to keep you from getting bored.  As far as Pete Walker movies go, it’s probably the best one I’ve seen.

Walker’s next picture, The Flesh and Blood Show, also utilized the 3-D gimmick, but not nearly as well.

Rogers gets the best line of the movie when he says, “This is just like a cheap British sex movie!”

AKA:  Three Dimensions of Greta.

JEEPERS CREEPERS 3 (2017) ½ *

I wanted to check out Jeepers Creepers 3 last fall when it played in theaters for one day as a part of a Fathom special event.  I never got around to it and had to settle for catching it on Netflix instead.  Now that I’ve seen it, I can honestly say that keeping it in a theater for one day was one day too many.  This is by far,the worst horror sequel I’ve subjected myself to in some time.

The Creeper (Jonathan Breck) is back, and this time, the townspeople are ready for him.  With the help of a severed hand that produces psychic visions (don’t ask), The Sheriff (Stan Shaw) and an old granny (Meg Foster) set out to take him down once and for all.  Meanwhile, Meg’s granddaughter (Gabrielle Haugh) has been kidnapped by The Creeper and locked away in his rusted-out, gadget-laden car.  

We don’t see a whole lot of The Creeper in this one, which is odd.  I mean none of the Jeepers Creepers movies are any good, but Breck at least cuts an imposing silhouette as the main monster.  Instead, director Victor Salva wastes a lot of screen time on The Creeper’s booby-trapped car.  I don’t know why they did this, but I’d rather see a crummy monster attack than a scene of people accidentally getting killed by an old rust bucket car any day.

Jeepers Creepers 3 is loaded with awful special effects, maybe explains why they didn’t want to spend a lot of time with The Creeper.  Bad CGI effects are to be expected in something like this, but the practical ones are surprisingly shoddy.  Take for instance the scene where The Creeper’s severed hand comes to life and grabs the townsfolk.  The hand looks like something out of an eight-year-old’s magic show.  There’s also an effect involving an eyeball popping out of its socket that is so phony that all I could do was sing, “Jeepers… Creepers… where’d you get THAT peeper?  K-Mart?I?”

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life, but I’m starting to think indiscriminately watching any horror movie with the numeral 3 is slowly becoming one of them.

Meg Foster and Stan Shaw deserve better than this mess.  All Foster gets to do is dig around in her backyard a lot and look spaced out like she’s in the midst of an Oxy high.  As the Sheriff, Shaw basically just barks orders out at his deputies without really ever doing much else.  He’s a job title in search of a character.

The only touch I like was the fact that this time The Creeper is equipped with a weapon that resembles the Glaive from Krull.  Fans of the series (if such a thing exists) will enjoy seeing how this one connects to the last entry.  Other than that, there’s not much here to recommend.

AKA:  Jeepers Creepers:  Ravenous.

If you’re hankering for more reviews of horror sequels (including my thoughts on Jeepers Creepers 2), you should check out my latest book, The Bloody Book of Horror, available now from Amazon.  You can order a copy here:  https://www.amazon.com/dp/1542566622/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1520113366&sr=8-1&keywords=mitch+lovell

If you’re tech savvy, you can get the e-book version on Kindle:  https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07B6TBVG1/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1520120839&sr=8-2&keywords=mitch+lovell 

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR (2018) *** ½

(Note:  I’ll try to keep this review as brief and spoiler-free as possible.)

The term “epic” gets thrown around a lot in Hollywood, but if any film deserves to be called epic, it’s Avengers:  Infinity War.  It’s a sprawling tale following over sixty characters on several different planets and sometimes on multiple planes of reality.  For ten years, The Marvel Cinematic Universe has been leaving breadcrumbs across nearly twenty movies to get to this moment and for the most part, it works as well as anyone could’ve hoped.

It’s overlong, sometimes unwieldy, and the seams threaten to come apart at any given moment.  There are a LOT of narrative balls to juggle.  YOU try to cram nine different franchises into a single movie.  Despite the massive length (which simultaneously feels too long and curiously rushed at the same time), the goodwill the characters have built up over the past decade and the sheer spectacle of the never-ending battle sequences and special effects set pieces glue everything together.

Infinity War really belongs to Thanos (Josh Brolin).  His presence dominates the film as the various Avengers, Guardians, and SHIELD agents splinter off and team up for their own side missions.  For an Avengers movie, I was surprised by how much the Guardians of the Galaxy were in it.  They are crucial to the narrative and help to bring much of the earthbound Marvel characters into the cosmos.  My favorite moments were the interactions between Thor (Chris Hemsworth) and Rocket Raccoon (Bradley Cooper).  (Thor calls him “rabbit”.)  The relationship between Spider-Man (Tom Holland) and Iron Man (Robert Downey, Jr.) continues to impress, and the addition of Dr. Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) into their dynamic was a nice touch.  I did feel like Captain America (Chris Evans) kind of got the short end of the stick from a narrative standpoint, as did Black Panther (Chadwick Boseman), although the Wakanda-set finale is a real showstopper.

For sheer entertainment, you’ll definitely get your money’s worth.  It’s as close to a big comic book crossover as we’re likely ever to get.  I also liked seeing some familiar faces that we haven’t seen in a while popping up in cameos.

Some of the deaths of beloved characters seem like… well… overkill at times, especially near the end.  (I guess they were trying to make up for the lack of stakes in Civil War.)  That said, there was at least one moment that will probably get Marvel fans choked up.  Even then, I’m sure the filmmakers won’t have much trouble bringing most (or all) of them back at some point.  We won’t know for sure till the next one.

Spider-Man gets the best line of the movie when he gets to try on his Iron Spider suit for the first time and says, “It smells like a new car in here!”

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard:

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****
The Incredible Hulk:  ****
Iron Man:  ****
Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****
Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****
Iron Man 3:  ****
Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½
Ant-Man:  *** ½
Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 
Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½
Black Panther:  *** ½ 
The Avengers:  ***
Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***
Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***
Thor:  ***
Thor:  The Dark World:  ***
Iron Man 2:  ***
Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

PHANTOM THREAD (2017) *** ½

Paul Thomas Anderson reteamed with his There Will Be Blood star Daniel Day-Lewis for this melancholy character study of a compulsive fashion designer in the ‘50s.  This is probably Anderson’s most mannered and mature film yet, but it has a mean streak a mile wide that makes it crackle like some of his best work.  Day-Lewis delivers one of his all-time best performances, and if he is serious about retiring, he chose the perfect note to go out on.

Reynolds Woodcock (Day-Lewis) is thoroughly stuck in his ways.  When he meets a feisty waitress named Alma (Vicky Krieps), he is immediately taken with her and she quickly becomes his latest muse.  She soon learns that she must contend with Woodcock’s overbearing sister (Leslie Manville) for his affections.

The relationship between Woodcock and Alma keeps revealing new, weirder and weirder layers as the film goes along.  I particularly loved the early scene where he fits her for a dress.  She gazes at him longingly as he rattles off her measurements to his sister.  Alma is looking to him for affection and approval while Woodcock coldly reduces her to a series of numbers.  The scenes where she disrupts his precious routine leads to some hilarious banter that ranks right up there with some of Anderson’s finest dialogue.  

Phantom Thread moves at a methodical pace and is often cold and callus, but it’s filled with so much brittle humor and scathing bon mots that it never feels slow.  Whether Woodcock is belittling Alma for making “entirely too much movement” at the breakfast table or being forced to eat her awful asparagus (“Are you a special agent sent here to ruin my evening and possibly my entire life?”), their tense encounters are simultaneously gut-wrenching and hilarious.  While the film stops short of being a stone-cold classic (mostly due to its insistence to keep the audience at arm’s length the entire time), the performances, period costumes, and sizzling dialogue make it highly recommended.

MIDNIGHT COP (1988) * ½

Armin Mueller-Stahl stars as a detective investigating the death of a junkie.  He tracks down her drug dealer (Frank Stallone) and winds up falling in love with a classy prostitute (Morgan Fairchild).  The dope pusher is also entangled in a blackmail scheme with Michael York, who also happens to be a friend of Mueller-Stahl’s, which complicates matters.

If you’re a casting director looking for a hardscrabble police detective, Armin Mueller-Stahl is probably about the eighty-seventh guy you’d pick.  If you need someone to fill the role of someone’s crochety grandfather, he’d be a perfect fit.  He’s just all wrong for the part, which pretty much sinks Midnight Cop from the get-go.  (You also have to deal with a lot of scenes of him pawing and groping Fairchild, which is sure to churn your stomach.)  I did like the fact that they try to give him a lot of oddball character traits like eating pickles and listening to instrumental versions of “A Whiter Shade of Pale”.  

Mueller-Stahl’s investigation is very slow-going.  Even when something potentially cool occurs (like when he throws Stallone out of a window), it’s usually followed with a lot more inanity.  In the right hands, this could’ve been an odd septuagenarian twist on the usual private eye tropes.  Unfortunately, director Peter Patzak never makes it work.

Stallone fares well enough as the scuzzy pusher who in his big scene gives the girl a fix while she lays topless on his bed.  York does what he can, but he isn’t very convincing when he makes the switch from suave businessman to sweaty psycho.  I liked Fairchild as the sexy call girl, although I must admit she could’ve been in it more.  Had she gotten naked for her sex scenes, it might’ve given this weird and slow movie a reason to exist.  Other than that, it’s a big waste of time.

AKA:  Killing Blue.

RAILROAD TIGERS (2017) **

Jackie Chan is the leader of a team of freedom fighters who rob railroad cars during the Japanese occupation of China.  Chan and his crew take in a wounded soldier who failed to blow up a bridge controlled by the Japanese.  After he is murdered by Japanese soldiers, Jackie and his crew decide to complete the mission.

Railroad Tigers got started off on the wrong foot by including unnecessary title cards every time a new character was introduced.  It would be one thing if the title cards were reserved only for Jackie and his crew, but it seems like every blessed character gets their own introductory title card complete with annoying animation.  What’s worse is that they keep introducing characters a full half hour into the movie!

Some of the humor is a little darker than most of Chan’s stuff.  (Like the part where one of his team finds a severed foot and he sees if the shoe is his size.)  While I appreciate Chan trying to go down a bit of a darker route, none of it is really funny.  I did like the part where Chan and his crew acrobatically scale a building only to learn a ladder was there the whole time.  These little flashes of Chan’s old school magic are few and far between though.

The best moment comes near the end during the tank battle aboard the train.  This is a fun, large-scale sequence that is unfortunately oh-so-brief.  It’s a shame there wasn’t more of this level of mayhem throughout the rest of the picture.  As it stands, Railroad Tigers is an OK, but forgettable historical Chan outing.

HEADSHOT (2017) *** ½

Iko Uwais stars as an amnesiac who washes ashore.  A pretty doctor (Chelsea Islan) looks after him and tries to help him remember his past.  Before long, a vicious kingpin (Sunny Pang) sends his men looking for Uwais.

Headshot is a tough, mean, and violent action flick that is a great vehicle for Iko Uwais.  If you loved him in The Raid, you’re guaranteed to enjoy this one.  It’s full of brutal, bloody fight scenes, and contains one of Uwais’ best performances to date.

I especially liked the early scenes where Pang’s henchman went to work on a rival gang.  Besi (Very Tri Yulisman, Baseball Bat Man from The Raid 2) is an unassuming guy with glasses and Riki (Julie Estelle, Hammer Girl from The Raid 2) is a quiet woman with a scarf around her face.  They are severely underestimated by the other gang and the duo wind up mopping the floor with dozens of people without breaking a sweat.

Uwais gets an excellent fight sequence on a bus full of slaughtered passengers.  He gets doused with gasoline and must fight off a thug waving a lighter.  After narrowly beating him, along comes a guy brandishing a torch.  It’s a perfect out-of-the-frying-pan-and-into-the-fire moment, but the scene keeps finding new ways to escalate from there, which makes it a real treat.

There is also an extended assault on a police station that is very much like something out of The Raid.  First, Uwais fights a machete-wielding maniac while tied to a desk before battling a shotgun-toting killer while hiding under a series of desks, until participating in an all-out brawl with a baldheaded lunatic who gets hit with everything from telephones to typewriters to paper cutters and keeps on coming after Uwais.  This sequence alone makes Headshot Uwais’ best solo vehicle since The Raid 2.

At nearly two hours, it does run on a bit too long.  The final three fights, though more personal and ugly, lack the panache and jaw-dropping madness of the stuff found in the second act.  That is only a minor quibble as Headshot remains another must-see from Uwais.

BEYOND SKYLINE (2017) **

I watched the original Skyline a few weeks ago, if only to prepare myself for this Frank Grillo/Iko Uwais starring follow-up.  It wasn’t great or anything, but it did have a balls-out bizarre ending.  Despite the potentially badass pairing of Grillo and Uwais, Beyond Skyline is unfortunately more of the same.

Grillo is a cop who picks up his fuck-up son (Jonny Weston) from the police station.  On their way home, the city is invaded by aliens.  Grillo and his son are sucked up into the mothership and are separated.  He is then aided by a half-alien half-human soldier who helps him find his son.  

I wanted to like Beyond Skyline, but the interchangeable monster attacks, unimaginative spaceship setting, and inconsistent special effects prevents the movie from really taking off.  There are more brain-ripping tentacle aliens, but the new aliens, like the cool Ultraman-type of monster, are woefully underutilized.  Once the film shifts to the jungle, it pretty much stops on a dime.

It also takes Uwais about an hour to show up.  The fight between he and Grillo is brief and isn’t very well choreographed.  I was pleased to see Uwais’ co-star from The Raid, Yayan “Mad Dog” Ruhian appear, but unfortunately, he spends most of his time locked up.  The thrill of Grillo, Uwais, and Ruhian teaming up and squaring off against aliens is short-lived, and poorly edited and filmed to boot.  (We also get Huggy Bear himself, Antonio Fargas as a blind homeless man, although he’s pretty much wasted too.)

At one-hundred-and-seven minutes, the pacing is slow.  A Frank Grillo and Iko Uwais vs. Aliens movie shouldn’t feel so plodding, but that’s exactly what director Liam O’Donnell manages to do.

Like the original, the set-up for the sequel is a lot more interesting (it looks like it’s going to take off into a more Star Wars-influenced direction) than anything found in the rest of the movie.  I’m sure if they put that much invention into the script for this one instead of looking ahead into the future, it would’ve made for a better picture.  As it is, Beyond Skyline isn’t bad, it’s just supremely disappointing, given the talent involved.

BAD ASSES ON THE BAYOU (2015) ***

Everyone’s favorite geriatric Bad Asses, Danny Trejo and Danny Glover get an all-expenses paid vacation to Baton Rouge to see their friend Loni Love get married.  She gets kidnapped on the eve of her wedding and the police do a piss-poor job of finding her.  It’s then up to the two Bad Asses to go into action to bring her back.

The change of scenery is a nice touch.  Really, we don’t need an excuse to get Trejo and Glover back together again, but it works just as well as any.  Their chemistry is as effortless as ever and the duo get plenty of laughs while foiling bank robberies, busting up a titty bar, and beating the snot out of the bad guys.  

Like the previous entries in the Bad Ass saga, Bad Asses on the Bayou has a nice blend of humor and genuine emotion.  Trejo is equally effective sticking a redneck’s head into a deep fryer as he is imparting wisdom to Love’s bullied brother.  Glover once again steals many scenes out from under Trejo.  He’s almost as good with Trejo as he was with Mel Gibson in the Lethal Weapon movies, which is about as big of a compliment as I can give.

John Amos was an inspired addition to the team.  He plays Love’s father who joins the Bad Asses in the final act to get his daughter back from the kidnappers.  The promise of another sequel featuring the trio is teased at the end and I earnestly hope it comes sooner rather than later.

What’s amazing about this series is its consistency.  I can’t call Bad Asses on the Bayou a classic or anything, but it’s just as good as the first two.  If writer/director Craig Moss can keep cranking them out, I’ll gladly keep watching them.

Trejo gets the best line of the movie when he narrowly lands an airplane and says, “Thank you for flying Mexican Airlines!”

AKA:  Bad Ass 3:  Bad Asses on the Bayou.

THE CONDEMNED 2 (2015) ***

I watched The Condemned just because it had Stone Cold Steve Austin in it, but from what I remember, it was rather terrible.  This sequel stars Randy Orton (son of Cowboy Bob), a wrestler who was kind of after my time.  Although I’m unfamiliar with his ring experience, he makes for a decent enough leading man for a WWE DTV action sequel.

Orton plays a bounty hunter whose anxious team accidentally kills their target (Wes Studi) during a raid.  He gets two years’ probation and tries to spend his time staying out of trouble.  Naturally, he is dumbfounded when his former team members try to kill him.  As it turns out, they are all pawns in a bad guy’s scheme to pit his friends against Orton while the rich and elite place wagers on who will live and who will die.

The Condemned was set on an island prison where prisoners fought to be the last man standing.  This one couldn’t afford to film on an island, so it just features a lot of scenes of guys fighting each other in the middle of the desert.  As it turns out, the simplified premise is to the movie’s benefit as it makes for a tighter structure.

I should’ve never doubted a movie directed by Roel (Hard Target 2, The Man with the Iron Fists 2, 12 Rounds 2, Death Race 2, The Marine 2) Reine and written by Alan B. (Halloween 4, Rapid Fire, Wrong Turn) McElroy.  Admittedly, some of this is threadbare and routine, but there was one at least one scene that stands as the most hilarious/awesome/you-can’t-make-this-shit-up scenes I’ve seen in some time.  When Orton’s buddy hunts him in the desert, there’s a shot of his foot making a footprint in the sand.  Then, Orton rises out of the desert floor to jump on the guy and attack him.  

Why is this scene so hilarious?  Let us first ask a few simple questions, like:  A) How did Orton cover himself up with dirt so quickly? B) How was he able to smooth out the dirt so it looked like an even surface? C) How did he know the guy who was tracking him would walk through that very exact spot? D) How could he miraculously not have a speck of dirt on him in the very next shot?  All I can say is I live for moments like this.

I haven’t even gotten to the best part: 

Eric Roberts as Orton’s dad.  Is it weird I got a little choked up when Eric Roberts reconciled with his estranged son by joining him to take down an illegal gambling operation by brandishing a grenade launcher and blowing up their hidden fortress?  This is simply one of the greatest displays of paternal affection in cinema history.  I wish Eric Roberts was my dad.  That Emma Roberts is a lucky girl. 

The thing that makes Roberts’ role so great is that it wasn’t one of those one-day shoots that he does for most DTV movies.  This is a fairly sizable role, offering him a meaty character that has a surprisingly emotional story arc.  This is without a doubt one of Roberts’ best performances in a while. 

Folks, I didn't know I needed a WWE DTV sequel with a grenade launcher-toting Eric Roberts in my life, but here we are.

RAMPAGE (2018) ***

The Rock plays a primatologist whose best friend is an albino ape named George.  When genetic material literally falls from the sky, George comes into contact with it and begins growing exponentially.  Pretty soon, a giant crocodile and a mutant wolf (who can also fly) begin stomping on Chicago and only The Rock can stop them.

Rampage is based on the old ‘80s video game, which of course was itself a throwback to King Kong vs. Godzilla (with a giant wolf thrown in for good measure).  As a fan of the game, I was a little dismayed that the monsters didn’t turn into naked humans when they were slain, but other than that, it’s a good enough interpretation.  The monsters climb buildings, eat people, and beat the crap out of each other.  If only it didn’t take so long to get around to the good stuff.

Like a Godzilla movie, you can’t judge Rampage for its sometimes-unnecessary dialogue scenes.  The cast infuses the film with a weird energy that prevents these scenes from getting too dull.  Jeffery Dean Morgan is a lot of fun as the shady government agent who’s a cowboy at heart.  Malin Akerman is a hoot as the evil corporate villain responsible for unleashing the monsters.  Resembling Cameron Diaz playing Cruella de Vil as an ‘80s yuppie, she chews the scenery as much as the monsters do.  (I also loved the fact that she kept the old Rampage arcade cabinet in her office.)

In addition to King Kong vs. Godzilla, the movie also slyly steals from Aliens (the scene where Joe Maganiello’s SWAT team gets taken down one by one by Ralph, the wolf), The Blob (the scene where George comes into contact with the serum), and Mission:  Impossible (the scene where The Rock escapes a crashing airplane).

The best moments come early on when The Rock cares for George.  The bond between the two is genuine and it gives the movie an unexpected emotional core.  It’s particularly funny when they bust each other’s balls via sign language.

The second act where Morgan mobilizes his men and the monsters make their way to Chicago is a bit pokey.  This stuff could’ve benefited from some tighter editing.  Once they reach the city, the gloves come off and the monster mashing is full of carnage, extensive destruction, and fun.

TAINTED (1998) ** ½

J.T. (Sean Farley, who also wrote the screenplay) is a video store manager who wants to see a midnight show of Blade Runner with his buddy Ryan (Greg James).  Their ride bails on them, so J.T. convinces his new employee, Alex (Dusan Chekvala) to give them a ride.  On the way to the theater, Alex’s car breaks down and he goes to his ex-girlfriend Adia (Tina Kapousis) for help.  They learn Alex is a vampire when some street thugs try to mug them.  He convinces them he’s just your average guy with no intention of harming humans unless they really deserve it.  When they arrive at Adia’s house, they discover her new boyfriend Slain (Jason Brouwer) is a vampire who’s scheming to taint the city’s blood supply with vampire blood.  The three friends then set out to stop him. 

As someone who’s seen a lot of low budget vampire horror comedies in their time, I can honestly say that you can do a lot worse than Tainted.  It’s very much a ‘90s time capsule, which makes it oddly endearing.  It was obviously influenced by Pulp Fiction, Clerks, and Swingers as the characters have long comic monologues filled with pop culture references and/or revolve around incidental sex and relationship humor.  Some of these monologues are long-winded and not especially funny.  Some are pointed, but too long and unpolished.  Many of them are right on the money and good for a few laughs.  While most of the actors are adept at delivering their monologues, Farley clearly saved the juiciest dialogue for himself.  He’s often very funny and his agitated delivery reminded me of Glenn Howerton from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  

The problem is that Tainted clocks in at one-hundred-and-five minutes.  There’s no real reason for it to be that long.  This could’ve been a breezy eighty-minute movie if director Brian Evans had been disciplined enough to whittle down some of the lesser monologues and endless scenes of the characters walking.  As it is, it’s not bad as far as overlong Troma releases go. 

Oh, and those sexy vampire girls on the cover are nowhere to be found in the movie itself.

HOUSE OF SHADOWS (1976) * ½

An orphan (Leonor Manso) goes looking for a lost dog and follows it to a creepy old mansion where she witnesses a murder.  As it turns out, the woman she saw has already been dead for twenty years.  She slowly becomes obsessed with her and begins to suspect she's been possessed by the dead woman’s spirit.

Most of House of Shadows is devoted to long scenes of our heroine walking around dark corridors with a flashlight as she investigates weird noises or looks for lost dogs.  If you can’t already guess, this gets tedious quickly.  The laborious, narrated flashbacks are even duller and pretty much stops the movie on a dime every time Manso delves back into the past.  

At least director Richard Wullicher delivers a fairly atmospheric opening sequence.  The climax, though predictable, also has a healthy dose of gothic doom and gloom.  Too bad everything in between is such a dreary, slow-moving, slog.  We do get a nifty scene in which a guy in a wheelchair is placed on a train track, but these murder set-pieces are too few and far between to save the movie.

Manso makes for an OK leading lady.  She certainly fares better as the present-day incarnation of the character than as her ancestral counterpart.  (She looks a bit lost in her period garb.)  Yvonne (The Munsters) De Carlo gets to chew the scenery a bit as Manso’s ward, although not as much as you’d probably expect.  John (Psycho) Gavin is also around as the boring love interest who isn’t given very much to do.

CODE NAME VENGEANCE (1989) **

A young prince and his mother are kidnapped by a terrorist (James Ryan).  America wants to protect her interests in the prince’s nation, so Don Gordon sends mercenary prisoner Robert Ginty on a rescue mission.  Along the way, he picks up his old mentor (Cameron Mitchell) to join the team as his explosives expert and together, they set out to rescue the prince.

Code Name Vengeance was directed by David Winters without any real sense of style.  The action scenes are plentiful and lots of stuff goes boom.  However, the staging of these sequences leaves a lot to be desired.  The pacing is also slow and sluggish, especially in the middle section of the film.  The script is painfully predictable too and you can spot every single plot twist coming from a mile away.  (Seriously, would YOU trust a mission masterminded by Don Gordon?)

The cast has all seen better days, but they’re the only real reason to watch it.  Ginty isn’t bad, and he escapes the flick with his dignity more or less intact.  It’s just unfortunate that the quality of the movie is closer to Warrior of the Lost World than The Exterminator.  He does get a good love scene with Shannon Tweed, who plays a sexy helicopter pilot.  Tweed looks great topless, but honestly, the film really needed one or two more of these scenes to make it worthwhile.  Mitchell provides some spark as the crusty old mentor, although his mildly amusing antics aren’t nearly enough to salvage the picture.

Winters and Mitchell teamed up the next year for the hilarious Space Mutiny.

AKA:  Code Name Hellfire.

BAD ASSES (2014) ***

Danny Trejo returns as the elderly ass-kicker, Bad Ass.  This time, he’s out to avenge the death of his young boxing protegee who was killed by a bunch of drug dealers.  Aiding him in his quest is a crotchety old liquor store owner and former hockey player (Danny Glover) who, despite his advanced age can still throw down.

The first Bad Ass had a distinct Death Wish type of vibe in its second half and Bad Asses picks up the baton nicely.  This is a rather straightforward revenge picture that gives Trejo plenty of moments to shine.  My favorite bit was when he tortured a college drug pusher (played by Jonathan Lipnicki from Jerry Maguire!) by shoving an oscillating fan onto his nether regions and saying “Mazel Tov!”

The addition of Danny Glover was inspired and keeps this sequel from getting stale.  Some of the best scenes in the movie just contain the Two Dannys busting each other’s balls.  Glover has a lot of chemistry with Trejo and is often very funny.  Heck, he just about steals the whole movie from Trejo!  Glover without a doubt proves once again that he is definitely not getting too old for this shit.

The casting of the villain was inspired.  It’s been a while since I’ve seen Andrew Divoff in a major role, so it was good seeing him playing the slimy Argentinian villain.  I mean, come on, who wouldn’t want to see Danny Trejo square off against the Wishmaster?

Bad Asses also continues the tradition of using footage from another movie in its climax.  In this case, it’s Narrow Margin.  Most times when a film does this, it reeks of desperation, but somehow when the Bad Ass series does it, it comes off as weirdly endearing.

AKA:  Bad Ass 2:  Bad Asses.

SPACE GIRLS IN BEVERLY HILLS (2009) ½ *

Don’t let the title, cover, and the presence of Julie Strain make you think this is a Skinamax movie.  It’s more of a vanity project for Donna (Dinosaur Valley Girls) Spangler.  In addition to starring as Katana, the lead space girl, she also wrote the screenplay, produced and sings some crummy songs.  She isn’t a bad actress, but her script is lousy and full of unfunny jokes.

After a Star Wars-style opening crawl, the plot begins.  A trio of sexy space women led by Spangler are sent to Beverly Hills to find men to repopulate their alien race.  Meanwhile, a rich playboy (director Tim Colceri) goes trolling around the city looking for a hot date.  The space women crash land in his yard, and he takes them in.  Eventually, he and Spangler fall in love and helps her accomplish her mission.

It’s one thing to do a throwback to a ‘50s sci-fi movie.  However, if you’re going to do that, at least have special effects and sets that are on par with the good old days.  The CGI special effects and backgrounds are terrible, and the spaceship interiors are shoddy.

There’s really nothing here that a little nudity wouldn’t cure.  Sadly, none of the space girls (or earth girls for that matter) get naked.  For a movie where the characters constantly talk about sex and/or dress in skintight outfits, there’s no nudity, which sends the film right down the shitter.  When Colceri and Spangler finally hook up, they cut right to the cuddling and don’t even show them getting it on.  I mean, what can you say about a movie in which the hero gets a gratuitous shower scene and the leading lady doesn’t?  Imagine a Skinamax flick without the nudity and that’s about what you get with Space Girls in Beverly Hills.

It also doesn’t help that it takes the space girls almost an hour to get to Earth.  Just when you think it can’t get any worse, Spangler sings not one, but three crappy love songs. Julie Strain is the only name in the cast.  She’s only in the early scenes as the space queen who sends the girls on their mission.  After she disappears, so does the fun.

Colceri gets the best line of the movie when he says, “This is the snatch capital of the world!”

BAD ASS (2012) ***

The world needs more Mexploitation action flicks starring Danny Trejo beyond the Machete series.  Bad Ass fills that void nicely.  It sometimes feels like a throwback to an ‘80s Charles Bronson actioner with a decidedly Latin flavor (there’s often mariachi music on the soundtrack).  Other times, it feels like one of those ‘90s DTV thrillers that shamelessly recycle action scenes from other movies.  (It steals the bus chase from Red Heat for its climax.)  

The world also needs more geriatric-centered action movies.  I mean we cannot get by on Gran Torino and Bubba Ho-Tep alone.  That’s another reason why Bad Ass works so well.

At the center of everything is another great performance by Trejo.  He’s playing a character that’s older than himself, but there’s still enough of that badass swagger here that’s made him such a cinematic legend.  If you’re a fan of the man, you’ll won’t want to miss this one.

Trejo stars as an elderly Nam vet whose life seems to have slowly slipped by him.  One day, while riding a bus, he notices two skinheads harassing an old man and he interjects.  They provoke him, and he beats their ass in record time.  A passenger captures the fight on their phone and it quickly becomes an internet sensation.  People start looking up to him and he even earns the nickname “Bad Ass”.  When his friend is killed, Bad Ass soon realizes that the system doesn’t work, so he goes out on the street seeking his own brand of justice.

Sporting a beard, a baseball hat, and a fanny pack, Trejo is miles away from his usual screen persona.  At least on the outside.  Even though the dude is rocking the fanny pack, the movie never makes fun of him.  If anything, it is a reminder to respect your elders because they can surely kick your ass anytime they want.

The first half feels like it’s going to be more of a comedy.  Things switch gears in the second half when it becomes a decent Death Wish variation.  Director Craig Moss handles the switch seamlessly as there are plenty of laughs and legitimate badass moments to be had in both sections.

The supporting cast is solid.  Ron Perlman makes for a suitably evil villain as the crooked politician who ordered the hit on Trejo’s buddy.  Charles S. Dutton also puts in a good turn as Perlman’s enforcer.  The movie really belongs to Trejo though.  He’s a lot of fun to watch and I surely hope he continues making more of these (I plan on watching the sequels very soon) because the world needs more Mexican (and elderly) action heroes.

VENUS RISING (1996) *

A young woman named Eve (Audie England) escapes from a futuristic island prison and winds up in a resort area.  She befriends a pill-popping woman (Meredith Salenger) who shows her kindness and takes her in.  When her host disappears mysteriously, Eve is left to her own devices.  She then noodles around on her Virtual Reality headset and begins frequenting online sex rooms.  She even manages to find love with her cyberspace boyfriend (Billy Wirth) in real life.  Eventually, another prisoner (Costas Mandylor) comes looking for Eve, which threatens to ruin everything for her.

There are times where Venus Rising almost feels unfinished.  I don’t know if the budget ran out of money or if the script was already wonky to begin with.  It tosses a lot of elements together like prison escapes, futuristic advances (there’s a silver pyramid that offers mood-enhancing pills), and Virtual Reality (which was big at the time and is now enjoying a sizeable renaissance today), but nothing really sticks.  The sci-fi elements seem half-hearted at best (or maybe that was due to the restrained budget) and are incongruous with the main thrust of the action. It’s also slow moving, awkwardly paced, and not very involving.  

Its biggest crime though is that it manages to waste a good cast that includes Joel Grey, Dennis Dun, Morgan Fairchild, and Jessica Alba (who plays a young version of Eve in a dream/flashback).  None of them are given anything remotely useful to do, which makes the movie even more frustrating.  I guess it would be one thing if Audie England could carry the film on her own accord, but she just doesn’t have the chops to portray a likeable heroine.

In short, Venus Rising sinks to the bottom of the barrel.  

ELVIS PRESLEY: THE SEARCHER (2018) ***

Elvis Presley:  The Searcher was made with the cooperation of Graceland and Priscilla Presley.  It’s a massive, two-part, nearly four-hour documentary on the life and times of The King.  Quite honestly, it could’ve been whittled down to a two-hour running time.  With so many documentaries and specials about Elvis already out there, I’m not sure why we needed another one.  However, there are enough stirring moments (particularly in the second part) to make its existence justified.

The first part (** ½) covers Elvis’ youth, rise to stardom, and entry into the Army.  All this material has been covered countless times before and done much better in a shorter time.  I also could’ve done without all the pointless shots of the interior of Graceland while producers, writers, and other performers talk about Elvis.  The problem is that the pool of interviewees seems a bit small.  While hearing from Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen is cool and all, the stuff from Elvis’ friends and confidants are much more enlightening.  I for one would’ve liked to hear more from Elvis in his own words because when he speaks, whether through candid interviews or in song lyrics, it says more about him than anyone else could say. 

The second half (*** ½) is a big improvement. It covers the time after Elvis’ military service, his string of Hollywood movies, the Comeback Special, and the non-stop touring of his later years.  While I don't agree with the documentary’s consensus that his movies were mostly terrible (even the worst ones are worth watching just because of his singular screen presence), everything about the second half feels tighter and more concise.  Also, we hear a lot more from Elvis in this section, which helps put us squarely in his headspace.  

The most effective moments surround his final days.  When we hear Elvis singing “Hurt” days away from his death during the “Jungle Room Sessions”, it gives us a clearer picture of what he was going through than anything else in the movie can offer.  The moments where we hear him perform “Separate Ways” in the context of his divorce is equally heart-wrenching.  The film also cunningly finds a way to let The King go out on top, ending things with him performing a rousing rendition of “If I Can Dream” from the Comeback Special.

As good as the second half of Elvis Presley:  The Searcher is, it’s far from perfect.  They gloss over his black belt in karate and don’t mention his historic meeting with Richard Nixon at all.  Despite that, there are plenty of good moments here.  I’m sure there was an excellent two-hour documentary lurking about, if only director Thom Zimny had been disciplined enough to pare it down more.  Even in its overlong form, it’s still worth a look for die-hard Elvis fans. 

ISLE OF DOGS (2018) *** ½

Wes Anderson’s latest contains more imagination and sheer fun crammed into any single given frame than most movies have in their entire running time.  The fact that it’s a stop-motion film makes it even more impressive.  When I saw Ready Player One, I said it would become one of the most paused movies on home video because the frame is filled with so much eye candy.  The same can be said for Isle of Dogs. 

Twenty years into the future, Japan puts a ban on all dogs and exiles them to Trash Island.  A pack of dogs (voiced by the likes of Bryan Cranston, Jeff Goldblum, Bill Murray, Edward Norton, and Bob Balaban) roam the island getting into scrapes with other dogs.  When a little boy lands on the island looking for his long-lost pet, the dogs decide to help him on his quest.

Isle of Dogs is visually impressive first and foremost.  It is a feast for the eyes.  Many sequences have tons of moving parts, but the low-tech ways Anderson and his animators achieve the simplest effects are often the most endearing.  I especially loved it when the cotton balls appear over the dogs each time they fight.  The Japanese motif of the film is beautiful too and it would make a great double feature with Kubo and the Two Strings. 

The animation on the dogs is adorable.  The excellent vocal cast expertly add life to their characters.  Cranston does especially well in his first foray into Anderson’s cinematic universe and gets the best line of the movie when he says, “I’ve seen cats with more balls than you dogs!”

The film is enchanting enough for you to forgive the fact that it runs on about fifteen minutes too long.  There’s probably at least one too many unnecessary side jaunts and/or flashbacks.  Even when the movie spins its wheels late in the second act, you can keep yourself amused by the jaw-dropping beauty of the lush backgrounds.  It’s definitely one of the best family movies of the year.