LION STRIKE (1995) ** ½

Don “The Dragon” Wilson returns as everyone’s favorite Kung Fu doctor Johnny Wu in the third installment of the Ring of Fire franchise.  This time out, an international crime organization joins forces to sell nukes to terrorists.  Naturally, through a set of dumb coincidences, Johnny winds up in possession of a vital computer disc the gangsters need to get their plans rolling.  They then set out to kill Wu and get the disc back.  Can a global conglomerate of mobsters stand a chance against a Kung Fu doctor?

The best scene in the whole movie has nothing to do with the main plot.  A surly biker gang barges into a busy ER room and demands medical treatment.  (One guy even runs through the hallway on a motorcycle!)  Don tells them to take a number and a brawl ensues. 

I also liked his Kung Fu forest ranger love interest, played by Bobbie Phillips.  Lion Strike maybe a dumb title because there are no lions in it, but Phillips does rescue a cougar.  There’s a hilarious moment when Wilson’s kid sees it and says, “Nice cougar!”

Don then looks at the camera and says, “I’ll Say!” I’m not an expert on colloquialisms, but I think this might be the first use of the word “cougar” to mean a hot older woman.  If not, it’s certainly one of the funniest.

Some laughs can also be had from seeing various explosions and shootouts from other PM movies acting as placeholders during the action sequences.  These moments help give the illusion the movie’s much more expensive than it really is.  However, after the silly and entertaining first act, things quickly become more generic as it goes along.  It pretty much loses a lot of its nutty charm in the third act when it just becomes a series of interchangeable scenes of Don Kung Fuing bad guys in the mountains.  It somehow was more fun when he was getting into unrelated action scenes and dodging stock footage from other movies.

Action fans will enjoy seeing a pre-Spawn Michael Jai White popping up in a small role.

AKA:  Ring of Fire 3:  Lion Strike.  

STIFF COMPETITION (1984) ***

You know all those movies about the underground kickboxing circuit?  The ones where people gather in a dingy garage or basement and bet on who will be left standing in a mano y mano Kung Fu battle?  The kind where a young fighter gets plucked out of obscurity and works their way to a fight inside the ring for a big money prize?

Well, Stiff Competition is the first underground cocksucking tournament movie.  Instead of two guys fighting, it’s a guy standing there while a women races against the clock to see how fast she can make the dude cum.  In fact, it predates many of those kickboxing films I was talking about, which in a way makes it a trailblazer for not only one genre, but two.

When a cocksucker quits in the middle of an underground “suck-off”, a young newcomer named Tammy the Tongue (Gina Carrera) takes her place.  Jeff (Kevin James) sees she has real talent and coaches her to be the best dick-licker on the circuit.  She quickly works her way up the ranks of the cocksucker elite, which spells doom for the former pro Cynthia Silkthroat (Cyndee Summers) and her attempted bid at a comeback.  Eventually, they settle their differences in the ring at the “Super Bowl of Suck-Offs” for a $50,000 cash prize.  

Stiff Competition has fun playing up the usual sports movie clichés, which is where a majority of the amusement comes from.  It takes a lot of its cues from the Rocky series (there’s a dick-sucking montage instead of a training montage) and the final match is rife with drama.  It’s also kind of like The Hustler in that the hero’s mentor takes them out on the road in preparation for the big match.  

If you’re mostly concerned with the XXX action, you may be dismayed by the heavy concentration of oral scenes.  (Unless that’s your thing.)  Director Paul (Bodacious Ta-Ta’s) Vatelli, perhaps sensing his overreliance on oral, mixes things up by sticking a great anal scene with Bridgette Monet smack dab in the middle of the flick.  

Carrera is kind of forgettable in the lead, but the supporting cast is amusing.  We have Ron Jeremy who plays “Don Head”, the promoter of the big Suck-Off, delivering another sleazy performance.  John Leslie brings his typical intensity to the role of Summers’ slimy manager, Jake the Snake.  It’s also fun seeing Kitten Natividad turning up for a nice little lesbian scene with Carrera.   

A sequel followed ten years later.

NIGHT OF THE SHARKS (1990) **

Night of the Sharks was a late era entry in the first wave of the Killer Shark films that were released in the wake of Jaws’ success.  (It was made in Italy a year after Jaws the Revenge and released in America two years later.)  It was made at a time when the country’s exploitation output was in a gradual state of decline.  It’s not up to snuff with something like Great White, but if you’re an undemanding fan of Italian shark movies, it’ll be an OK way to kill 90 minutes.

Treat Williams stars as a beach bum who is out to kill a one-eyed shark named “Cyclops”.  His brother gets mixed up with some unsavory characters and comes to the beach to lay low.  Naturally, the bad guys follow him and kill him.  It seems he was blackmailing some pretty powerful people and was in possession of an incriminating disc.  Treat winds up with the disc and soon, they come after him too.  

Let me be honest.  I’ll pretty much watch any Blood in the Water movie.  That of course is any film that features a shark attacking someone as the waters slowly turn red with blood.  As far as these things go, it’s tolerable, although it comes up way short in the exploitation department.

I’m also a big Treat Williams fan.  He’s fun to watch and gives a charming performance.  His charisma shines through, even if it’s obvious he only took the job so he could hang out on the beach all day.  

There are some amusing moments to be sure.  I liked the scene where the shark steals Treat’s boat, and the big bar fight scene is kind of funny.  I also enjoyed seeing Antonio Fargas popping up as Treat’s right-hand man.  I even got a chuckle out of the electronic suspense music, which sounds less like a rip-off of John Williams’ Jaws theme and more like music from the boss level of a video game.  Italian exploitation vets John Steiner and Chris Connelly also turn up, which fans of this sort of dreck will appreciate.  

Sounds like a walk on the beach doesn’t it?  Well, despite a fair amount of good points, Night of the Sharks (there’s only one shark, by the way) just never works itself up into a frenzy.  At one point, the movie forgets all about the shark as it turns into your typical jungle actioner.  After that, it just never recovers.  It goes without saying that the scenes of blackmail, political intrigue, and Treat tangling with assassins is far less entertaining than the scenes of the shark eating people. 

Treat fared much better ten years later with another aquatic horror flick, Deep Rising.

AKA:  Jaws Attack.

JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3: PARABELLUM (2019) ***

John Wick:  Chapter 2 ended on such a perfect note that John Wick:  Chapter 3 quickly became one of my most anticipated movies.  Who could forget when John Wick (Keanu Reeves) broke the sacred rules of committing murder in the hitman hotel, thus declaring open season on himself, allowing every hitman on the planet free reign to take him out?  It was an awesome set-up that suggested all hell would break loose in Chapter 3.  Other than a sterling opening twenty minutes or so, this uneven, sometimes frustrating sequel never quite lives up to the promise of its predecessor.  However, there are still enough moments of badassery here to keep fans of the series happy. 

Things kick off with an excellent fight in a library as well as a tense scene set in a doctor’s office.  Then along comes a sequence that will go down in history as one of the all-time greats.  John Wick is chased by a gang of killers into an antique weapons warehouse where they match wits in a hallway full of knives.  It is a jaw-dropping display of martial arts choreography, action cinematography, and sheer kinetic filmmaking.  I haven’t even brought up the horse fight.  

Then, as the film enters its second act, it does the unthinkable.  It gets boring.  It’s almost as if the first flurry of non-stop action winded the movie and it had to sit down and catch its breath.  It eventually rights itself as the action in the third act is frenzied and fun (though lacking the kick of the early sequences), but that whole middle section of the flick is downright turgid.

I always hate it when a movie feels like it’s making up its rules as it goes along.  I mean the second film ended with everyone in the world gunning for John Wick.  Then, all of a sudden, the flick is like, “Oh, wait we lied.  He’s got a Get Out of Jail Free card he pulled out of a box of Crackerjacks.”  Then when it feels like the action is about to ramp up again, there’s a longwinded scene where Wick finagles his way out of ANOTHER scenario by invoking inane obscure hitman bylaws at the last minute.  The original film’s world-building was one of its most intriguing aspects.  Here, it just seems like the screenwriters are just pulling new “rules” out of their ass to keep the stuntmen on the sidelines.  

It doesn’t help that the second act is chockful of scenes of brand-new characters that bring absolutely nothing new to the table.  The scenes of Anjelica Huston, Halle Berry, and the terrible new villain “The Adjudicator” (Asia Kate Dillon) are dull and stop the movie on a dime.  In fact, it seems like Halle is only there to set up her very own a spin-off as Reeves takes a backseat to her for a chunk of the movie.  Remember when they tried to pull that shit with James Bond on Die Another Day?  It didn’t work out so good, did it?  I won’t even tell you about the shitty Lawrence of Arabia part. 

Luckily, the stagnant second act is redeemed once Mark Dacascos and his Ninja buddies try to kill John Wick.  There’s even an extended cameo by one of my favorite badass Kung Fu stars that I wouldn’t dream of spoiling.  These fight scenes help to solidify the film’s shakiness somewhat, even if they lack the breathlessness of the opening moments. 

The ending sets things up for yet another sequel.  I can honestly say its not nearly as inspired as the previous cliffhanger.  Hopefully, the next Chapter will be a bit of a course correction for the series, but if it has at least one sequence as exhilarating as this one’s “Hall of Knives” fight, it’ll still be worth watching.

AKA:  John Wick 3:  Parabellum.  

X-TREME FIGHTER (2005) **

Don “The Dragon” Wilson stars as a widowed martial arts instructor who’s growing apart from his teenage son Brad (Dan Mayid).  Don’s dad (Aki Aleong) works in a computer lab perfecting virtual bad guys for cop Lorenzo Lamas to practice shooting during computerized simulations.  He turns the simulator into a video game which he gives to Brad as a birthday present.  When his virtual reality helmet short circuits, Brad’s mind gets trapped inside the game.  Don then straps in and sets out to find his son before he becomes permanently trapped in the game. 

The set-up had a lot of potential.  It could’ve been Mortal Kombat Meets Tron.  However, X-Treme Fighter is just kinda cheap and cheesy.  The low-tech graphics in the video game are good for a chuckle (they look like something out of a kid’s movie from the ‘90s), but some parts look like they were filmed during a Kung Fu convention that Don and Cynthia just so happened to attend.  It also doesn’t help that the video game fighters are mostly generic and unmemorable.  The fights are also way too brief and suffer from ho-hum choreography. 

Even though director Art (Half Past Dead 2) Camacho never really takes advantage of the premise, X-Treme Fighter remains watchable due to the capable cast.  I mean, how can I not watch a movie starring Don “The Dragon” Wilson, Lorenzo Lamas (sporting one of his most impressive coifs in his entire career), and Cynthia Rothrock (who pulls double duty as Wilson’s love interest and the “White Dragon” video game fighter)?  Don, Cynthia, and Lorenzo always remain likeable even in the cheesiest of surroundings.  I just wish Rothrock and Lamas had more to do (Lamas literally bumps into Wilson at one point, which is about the extent of their interaction) and that the fights were longer. (The final showdown ends abruptly.) 

Still, it’s hard to hate any action movie in which the actors are listed in the credits alongside their Kung Fu credentials.  Seeing them listed with titles like “2^nd Degree Black Belt” and “Master of Kata” underneath their names put a smile on my face.  I love shit like that.  

AKA:  Sci-Fighter.  AKA:  Dragon Battle:  Evolution.  

SWORN TO JUSTICE (2001) ** ½

Cynthia Rothrock (in a spunky, likeable performance) comes home to find her sister and nephew murdered by burglars.  She tries to fight off the intruders, hits her head, and winds up getting… amnesia?  NOPE!  An ordinary movie would use this plot device.  Sworn to Justice is no ordinary movie.  No, she actually hits her head and winds up with… are you ready for this?  

ESP!!!

She then uses her new gifts to find her family’s killers.  In the meantime, she dons a dark hoodie and goes around like a pint-sized Punisher, beating up the various thieves, gang members, and criminals that terrorize the city.  Eventually, her quest leads her to a ring of car thieves who have been working with the help of a crooked cop (God Told Me To’s Tony Lo Bianco, who acts like Ben Gazzara).

Sworn to Justice is goofy as fuck.  It suffers from an uneven tone, but then again, that’s where many of the (unintentional) laughs come from.  In one scene, Cynthia is mourning the death of her loved ones, and in the next, she’s getting into a goofy fight scene that’s so corny and cartoonish that it would embarrass Jackie Chan.  (There are birdie sound effects when she punches a guy.)

The supporting cast is fun.  We have Star Trek’s Walter Koenig who sports a terrible accent as Rothrock’s mentor.  No Retreat, No Surrender’s Kurt McKinney also turns up as Rothrock’s love interest.  Their Kung Fu courtship scene is downright nutty and predates the similar scene in Daredevil by a few years.  Then there’s the one and only Mako as a blind newspaper vendor who dispenses life-changing wisdom.  Just when you think it can’t get any better, Brad Dourif shows up for an extended cameo (acting over the top as usual) as one of Cynthia’s attackers.

Parts of this seem like it was edited with a machete and then put together with duct tape.  Some of the fight scenes are too dark to see anything clearly too.  If you can get past that, you’re sure to agree there’s an undeniably quirky charm about the whole thing that helps keeps it afloat.  I can’t quite call it a “good” movie, but there’s enough oddball touches here to make it memorable.  I’m thinking specifically of when Cynthia blows up the bad guy’s brother and he keeps the charred corpse around for sentimental purposes.  I mean, doesn’t that alone kind of make you want to see it?  

AKA:  Female Justice.

THE HIGHWAYMEN (2019) **

Arthur Penn’s Bonnie and Clyde is one of those untouchable Hollywood classics that is just about pitch perfect in every way.  Penn did such a fine job on it that any film about the subject matter is going to suffer from comparison.  That said, John Lee Hancock’s The Highwaymen, which focuses on Frank Hamer, the man who brought the pair down, had potential.  

The Highwaymen could’ve been an interesting flipside to the familiar story.  It could’ve been an Unforgiven-style meditation of a man returning to a life of violence.  It could’ve just been an old-fashioned manhunt movie.  Unfortunately, it winds up being none of those things.  In fact, I’m not even sure it knows it wants to be.  

Frank Hamer (Kevin Costner) is a former Texas Ranger who is lured out of retirement to take down Bonnie and Clyde.  He partners up with another ex-lawman (Woody Harrelson) and the two barnstorm the Texas countryside looking for the devious duo.  The trail runs hot and cold, but their doggedness eventually pays off and they’re able to finally hunt their quarry down.  

Costner is one of my favorite actors of all time, but he’s squarely set in one mode here:  Gruff Disinterested Costner.  He never makes Hamer someone we can root for, which probably is more of a shortcoming of the script (which was written by Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon:  Sword of Destiny’s John Fusco) than of Costner.  Harrelson gets one or two spry moments (like his run-in with some hoods in a bathroom), although his usual charisma is kept in check throughout the film.  

Hancock’s slack direction is ultimately the thing that sinks the flick.  The pacing lacks urgency and the drama is sluggish.  For a manhunt of the country’s most wanted duo, the titular gunmen don’t seem to be in any particular rush.  Like most Netflix directors, Hancock mistakes the lack of studio interference for a license to drag things out far too long.  It clocks in at 132 minutes, and yet it feels like you’re watching a multi-part miniseries.   

The ending is abrupt, unsatisfying, and unglorified, which is the point.  It also happens to be the only part that really works.  In fact, the brief scenes of crowds ogling the Bonnie and Clyde death car are far more effective than anything else that preceded it.  The stock footage of the death car and Bonnie and Clyde’s funerals shown as the film wraps up kind of makes me wish for an entire movie devoted to the car and the fascination that it holds to this very day.

PUNK ROCK (1977) * ½

Sleazy detective Jimmy Dillinger (Wade Nichols) is paid to track down a teenage runaway.  After finding her (and banging her), she is kidnapped, and Dillinger must slum his way through the seedy underbelly of New York punk rock clubs to get her back.  Along the way, the people he comes into contact with wind up getting murdered, which makes him the prime suspect.  

Directed by Carter (Wicked Schoolgirls) Stevens, Punk Rock suffers from way too much plot and not enough sex.  What sex scenes we do get are short, unsexy, and pretty lousy overall.  Two years later, Carter took what was already a plot-heavy movie, cut out the porn, added new footage (more plot stuff), and released it as a “legitimate” feature.  It already sucks with the explicit footage.  I can’t imagine how bad it would be with MORE boring scenes of people talking.  (The twist ending is a genuine surprise, although I can’t exactly guarantee you’ll make it that far.)

If you were expecting to hear some good music, you’re going to be severely disappointed.  Even as an old school punk rock fan, I have to admit the music is pretty crappy.  (Apparently, Debbie Harry used to be in one of the bands before she was in Blondie.)  As it stands, Punk Rock is just another example of a filmmaker trying to capitalize on a fad without having the foggiest idea as to what makes the fad popular.

Speaking of music, there was one track that is good for a chuckle.  Remember in Stevens’ Wicked Schoolgirls where he memorably stole Chuck Berry songs for some of the sex scenes?  Here, he swipes the theme from The People’s Court!

THE PERFECT WEAPON (2016) ** ½

Not to be confused with the Jeff Speakman movie of the same name, The Perfect Weapon is one of the better Steven Seagal flicks of the DTV era.  Okay, so maybe “better” isn’t exactly the right word for it.  In fact, I’m not sure if anything here could rightly qualify as “good”.  Nevertheless, there is some shit in here I never thought I’d see before, so that at least should be enough to get the Seagalophiles out there to give it a shot.  Please, don’t mistake this recommendation for anything more than it is.  Don’t watch it expecting Seagal to miraculously turn over a new leaf or something.  If, however, you want to laugh your fucking ass off, as I did (well, at least in that one scene I’ll get to later), this will make for a “perfect” night of Bad Movie bizarreness.  

Johnny Messner stars as a bald assassin named “Condor” who works for “The State” in the near future.  He eliminates their enemies under the order of “The Director” (Seagal).  Naturally, he grows a conscious, goes on the run, and becomes a wanted man.  Eventually, he gets tired of running and decides to bring down The Director once and for all.

I’ve seen plenty of shit in my time, but I never thought I’d see Steven Seagal ruling over a Blade Runner-inspired futuristic cityscape.  The sight of his face looming high above the city on TV monitors is one I won’t soon forget.  You know, for the budget, it’s not a bad Blade Runner-looking future either.  Some of the little futuristic touches are actually kind of funny too (like the “State Farm” gag). 

If the landscapes were inspired by Blade Runner, the action was lifted from Hitman.  As with that flick, our hero is a bald guy in a suit and tie who runs around shooting people with a gun in each hand.  Messner is no Timothy Olyphant though. 

As for Seagal, you have to admire the way he conveniently gets away with putting forth no effort whatsoever.  Just wait till you see the scene where he gives Richard Tyson an aikido lesson… sitting down.  Then, there’s the funny flashback of a young Seagal who is played by a double with his face hidden in the shadows while he kicks someone’s ass.  God forbid he’d have to stand up for anything.

The third act is sloppy and all over the place, but it’s also just memorable enough to keep The Perfect Weapon from being just another routine Seagal programmer.  First, Messner receives and then promptly loses, a sidekick.  I don’t know who this guy was or where he came from, but he disappears almost as quickly as he was introduced, which is good for a laugh or two.  Finally, Seagal gets to stand up and fight a little bit, although the fight itself is lukewarm at best and really brief.  

Luckily, the last-minute plot twist is absolutely bonkers.  I don’t want to spoil it for you or anything, but let’s just say this might be your only opportunity to see two Seagals for the price of one.  It’s hilarious enough to make you wish he pulled a Van Damme and played twins throughout the entire movie.  That’s okay though.  I mean did Van Damme’s twin movies feature him killing his other self with a samurai sword?  I think not.

SIBERIA (2018) * ½

You know you’re in trouble with Siberia when Keanu Reeves’ name appears not once but twice before the title comes on screen. It first appears leading the cast listing as he’s boarding a plane. Then about ten minutes later, it shows up again as the title finally arrives on screen: “Keanu Reeves in Siberia”.  I still can’t believe how big of a goof that is.  Unless the actual full title of the movie is Keanu Reeves in Siberia.  Maybe this is like one of those Abbott and Costello deals where they keep their names in the title even though their character names aren’t actually Abbott and Costello. 

Anyway, Keanu plays a diamond merchant in Russia whose partner skips town with some valuable blue stones.  His client, an unstable Russian mobster (Pasha D. Lychnikoff) gives him two days to get them back.  Or else.  Mostly though, Keanu spends his time playing house with a cute local waitress (Ana Ularu).

Siberia is a slow moving, obvious, and completely unfulfilling Stranger in a Strange Land story.  The biggest drawback is that nothing much ever happens.  There never seems to be much urgency to recover Keanu’s lost diamonds and his relationship with the waitress is less than riveting.  The ending is terrible too.  Even if I spoiled it for you, I still don’t think you’d be prepared for just how truly shitty the ending is.

Reeves is kinda dull and lifeless in the lead.  He shows none of the intensity he brings to his latter-day films.  His only real endearing character trait is that he brought the wrong coat with him.  (He mistakenly packed for warmer climate.)  Unfortunately, that’s about the only relatable thing his character does throughout the film.  It was good seeing Molly Ringwald turning up briefly as Reeves’ wife though.

I guess all of this is especially disappointing given the fact it was written by Scott B. Smith, who only writes screenplays every ten years.  It’s definitely a big comedown from A Simple Plan.  Heck, it’s not even up to snuff with The Ruins.  

CENTER OF THE WEB (1992) **

An actor named John (Ted Prior, acting in yet another one of his brother David’s many low budget actioners) is mistaken for a hitman while waiting outside of his acting class.  He’s forced into a car by some goons and a gunfight ensues.  He gets arrested and goes to jail, but a shady government agent (Robert Davi) shows up and coerces him to continue posing as the hitman in order to catch a political assassin.  John eventually realizes he’s being set up as a patsy and fights back to clear his name and stop another assassination.

This cheap, but watchable AIP picture at least has the benefit a pretty great cast.  Davi is fun to watch as the agent who may or may not be trustworthy.  Charlene Tilton does a fine job as Prior’s love interest too.  I also liked seeing Bo Hopkins turning up as the district attorney, Charles Napier in one scene as a killer, and Tony Curtis (!) as a heavily connected friend of Tilton’s.  No matter what you may think of the rest of the picture, there is a sort of perverse pleasure to be had from seeing someone of Curtis’ stature reduced to slumming in a Ted Prior movie.  

Center of the Web is straightforward and predictable.  It hits all its marks, but it stops just short of being compelling or entertaining.  The ending is somewhat enjoyable though, mostly for the wrong reasons.  The third act contains one semi-predictable plot twist, one incredibly obviously one, and a silly school bus chase finale that’s appropriately cheesy.  However, Center of the Web really needed more of these go-for-broke flashes of silliness in order to hit a bullseye. 

AKA:  Undercover Assassin.  

THE DARKNESS (2016) *

Kevin Bacon and Radha Mitchell are a couple who go hiking in the desert with their special-needs son in tow.  He wanders off and winds up falling in a hole where he befriends a Native American spirit named “Jenny”.  Jenny follows the family home and it isn’t long before she’s leaving dirty handprints everywhere.  It soon becomes apparent she has sinister plans for the family.

Usually, Bacon has a good track record for this sort of thing.  I mean take a look at Friday the 13^th, Stir of Echoes, or heck, even Hollow Man.  He equips himself well enough here, and Mitchell once again proves to be one of the more underrated actresses around. 

Unfortunately, if I had known ahead of time this was a Greg McLean movie, I wouldn’t even have bothered.  It’s another one of those Wolf Creek deals where you have to wait forever for something to happen.  When it finally does, it’s nothing more than water spickets running by themselves.  Or handprints appearing from out of nowhere.  Or strange noises coming out of the walls.  You know, nothing remotely scary whatsoever.

In fact, the whole thing doesn’t rate above a Lifetime movie.  It’s full of ominous portents and stinging music cues, but no real scares or atmosphere.  Although the leads do what they can (I did like seeing Paul Reiser popping up as Bacon’s asshole boss), they are unable to salvage this dreary, listless excursion through all-too familiar territory.  Ultimately, it’s nothing more than an amalgam of haunted house movies and creepy kid flicks.  The shitty CGI and gratuitous Native American mumbo jumbo don’t do it any favors either. 

Wait till you get a load of the crappy ending that shamelessly rips off Poltergeist.  Not only does a little old lady try to cleanse the house of evil spirits, there’s even a scene where the father crosses over to the other side to find his child.  The finale is laughable, and the piss-poor effects almost feel unfinished. 

In short, The Darkness should’ve never seen the light of day.

AKA:  6 Miranda Drive.

REPRISAL (2018) **

Frank Grillo stars as a bank manager who is held at gunpoint and forced to participate in a robbery.  Since the thief wiped all the security footage, it seems that the Feds have reason to believe Frank was somehow involved.  With his job and credibility on the line, he teams up with his ex-cop neighbor (Bruce Willis) to stop the thief’s next robbery and clear his name.  

Reprisal is another EFO production directed by Brian A. Miller and starring Bruce.  He doesn’t do a bad job with his minimal role and seemingly short shooting schedule.  Some of his briefing scenes with Grillo get a tad repetitive (he says, “Walk me through it” a lot), but at least he puts forth some effort.  

Grillo makes for an ideal lead.  He is always invested and carries the film with a modicum of swagger.  Although it’s low budget and relatively light on action (there’s a motorcycle chase that’s shoddily put together), it still keeps your interest for the most part.

Would it surprise you that Johnathon Schaech is in this?  Probably not.  He makes for a fine villain though and gets a little bit of a backstory that helps give him a shading of a personality.  

You have to give Miller credit for keeping things moving at a healthy clip.  Unfortunately, you’ve got to suffer through the gratuitous daughter with diabetes subplot that eats up a lot of screen time.  (Try to keep track of all the times Grillo reminds her about properly dieting.)

With Reprisal, Bruce Willis is at a point in his career where he can be a direct to video action hero...’s neighbor.  A solid set-up notwithstanding, the third act is kind of a joke.  It seems more like the set up to an action-packed finale than an actual action-packed finale.  The scene where Bruce awkwardly swoops in to save Frank’s daughter (not to mention stop the bad guy) is just plain weird, especially considering he’s… you know… the hero’s neighbor.  So why is Grillo even there?  Mostly so Bruce doesn’t have to run around?  So that way all Bruce has to do is stay in the basement talking to him on the phone while Frank does all the heavy lifting?  Your guess is as good as mine. 

STRAY CAT ROCK: DELINQUENT GIRL BOSS (1970) **

Ako (Akiko Wada) is a tough biker chick who gives a seemingly innocent girl named Mei (Meiko Kaji from the Lady Snowblood movies) a ride on her motorcycle.  Mei’s destination happens to be an all-girl gang rumble and Ako decides to join the club.  Together, they get mixed up in a scheme involving a crooked boxing match and begin a bitter feud with a rival male gang.  

Not to be confused with the similarly titled Delinquent Girl Boss franchise, this first in a series of five Stray Cat Rock films suffers from a meandering pace and some serious lulls in between the thrills.  Sure, there’s one great moment involving a girl getting a blowtorch to the boob, but moments like this are few and far between.  The action is sparse for the most part too.  There’s a protracted motorcycle vs. dune buggy chase scene that begins with promise, although it’s much too leisured paced (both in that the editing is unrushed and that the vehicles are slowly moving) to gather much excitement or momentum. 

In the meantime, you can be content with some chintzy footage of the girls attending garish go-go clubs where they hear non-stop shitty music.  (The film is only eighty minutes, but the musical performances help to heavily pad out the running time.)  Heck, Wada even gets to belt out a number.  Probably the biggest blunder is that the usually magnetic Kaji isn’t given very much to do.  Instead, Wada is given the bulk of the movie to carry on her shoulders, although she’s not quite up to the challenge.

Director Yasuharu Hasbe later directed the nutty Assault!  Jack the Ripper.

AKA:  Female Juvenile Delinquent Leader:  Stray Cat Rock.  AKA:  Stray Cat Rock:  Woman Boss.  AKA:  Alley Cat Rock:  Female Boss.

DOUBLE AFFLECK TRIPLE DOUBLE FEATURE

TRIPLE 9  (2016)  ** 

Chiwetel Ejiofor runs a crew of bank robbers whose line-up is packed to the gills with dirty cops and ex-soldiers.  A Russian mob boss (Kate Winslet!) coerces them into pulling not one but two elaborate capers.  The first job isn’t exactly a cake walk, but the second is going to be damned near impossible.  Ejiofor finally decides the only way to distract the cops long enough to pull off the job is to kill one of their own.  That way, while the fuzz is out searching the streets in full force for a cop killer, the crew can be quietly pulling off their heist.

Triple 9 is buoyed by a great cast, but it’s completely undone by the lethargic pacing, unpleasant characters, and muddled plotting.  It tries to be this multilayered character piece sandwiched inside of a gritty caper movie, but it’s much too murky to really come together as such.  At times, it almost feels like the first draft of the screenplay was used.  While director John (Lawless) Hillcoat gets all the story beats down, he never takes the time to create realistic characters we care about.  Instead, we just get a bunch of terrific actors (including Anthony Mackie, Gal Gadot, and Clifton Collins, Jr.) stuck reciting plot-heavy dialogue.  

Casey Affleck does what he can with his underwritten role of the cop who is targeted for assassination.  Unfortunately, he’s never given an opportunity to become a character you can root for.  He’s just another pawn in the crew’s scheme.  

The unrecognizable Kate Winslet is a hoot as the Russian baddie.  She really sinks her teeth into the role.  Admittedly, there’s not a lot to chew on.

Woody Harrelson is the most fun as a wily, seasoned detective on the case. He gets along by acting as if he’s in an entirely different movie than the rest of the cast.  He’s so good, you’ll wish you were watching the movie he thinks he’s in. 

Harrelson gets the best line of the movie when he tells a bank manager “The monster has gone digital.  Beware what you Insta-Google-Tweet-Face.”

TRIPLE FRONTIER  (2019)  * ½ 

Ben Affleck, Oscar Isaac, Charlie Hunnam, and company are ex-military grunts with no discernable retirement plan.  Together, they pull a job down in South America to ice a bad guy and steal millions in cash.  Like every other robbery in movie history, it does not go as planned.  Soon, their greed gets the best of them and they wind up having to make their getaway across the Andes mountains with their stolen haul rapidly dwindling.

Despite a sturdy premise, Triple Frontier is curiously inert, shallow, and uninvolving.  It makes all its points without nuance or subtlety (Would it surprise you that there’s a scene in which the thieves become stuck in the freezing wilderness and have to burn the money to keep warm?) and takes its sweet time doing so.  In the right hands, this could’ve been The Treasure of the Sierra Madre for the PTSD era.  As it is, director J.C. (A Most Violent Year) Chandor approaches the material without much enthusiasm, and as a result, the plot never gains much traction or momentum.  The reveal of the money’s hiding spot is well done, but that’s about the only bright spot in an otherwise murky movie.

The film’s biggest sin is that it wastes a good cast who are saddled with underwritten characters.  Affleck and Isaac are able to briefly shine through on occasion, but the rest of the grunts are wholly interchangeable and unmemorable.  Even then, Affleck is underutilized, and Isaac looks bored some of the time.

The action is unsatisfying too.  One scene in particular features some dodgy CGI helicopter effects.  That sort of thing wouldn’t have cut the mustard on a theatrical release.  Since this went straight to Netflix, I guess they thought no one would notice.

VICTORIA’S SHADOW (2001) * ½

In the black and white prologue, Victoria (Brinke Stevens) is bitten by a one-eyed vampire (Joe Schofield) in a graveyard.  A century and change later, Victoria’s ancestor, Max (Bill Rodd) finds a diary detailing her demise.  It also tells where the family jewels are squirreled away. Thinking he can use the loot to pay off a loan shark, Max proceeds into the tomb with his goofball buddy Carl (Matt Oppy).  There, they find Victoria’s preserved body with a jewel-encrusted stake stuck through her heart.  Naturally, the idiots remove the stake, and she goes around sucking people’s blood.

Directed by Grant Austin Waldman (who also directed the much better Teenage Exorcist starring Brinke), Victoria’s Shadow is often a chore to sit through.  You know you’re in trouble during the sluggish prologue.  Afterwards, we’re treated to an even slower exposition scene that basically recaps everything we just saw moments ago.  It’s totally uneconomical.  Waldman should’ve cut one of these scenes.  Having both just needlessly clutters the narrative early on. 

The acting is painfully amateurish.  The scenes of the hapless grave robbers standing around and talking about family curses, fencing jewelry, and busting each other’s balls is downright painful.  The performances by Rodd and Oppy will grate on your nerves something fierce.  They have no screen presence whatsoever and are impossible to take seriously with their loopy line deliveries. 

Some parts are too dark, while others make good use of colorful lighting.  The shots utilizing pink and green lights in the background look pretty cool, even if they kind of overdo it with the fog machine sometimes.  The gore is OK, but the ending is rushed and anticlimactic.  

Brinke is the only selling point.  Her best scenes come when she’s walking around in a see-through nightgown searching for victims.  I don’t know if Victoria’s Shadow shopped at Victoria’s Secret, but Brinke sure was looking good.  

AKA:  Bitten:  Victoria’s Shadow.  

WEDDING SLASHERS (2006) ** ½

Jenna (Jessica Kinney) watches in horror as her boyfriend is chainsawed up by a psycho in a gas mask.  She eventually moves on and five years later gets engaged to her boyfriend Alex (Ross Kelly).  On their wedding day, her long-lost killer “family” show up at the church to hunt her down and murder the wedding guests.  It’s then up to Alex to protect his bride to-be from her insane incestual clan.

Most low budget filmmakers come up with a great title and forget to make a movie that lives up to it.  I can’t quite say director Carlos Smith accomplishes that with Wedding Slashers but be thankful it’s as good as it is.  Overall, it rates just above your average Troma flick in terms of acting and gore.  It also earns points for getting the show on the road in an expedient manner.  It kind of spin its wheels a bit too much in the third act, but the abundance of gore keeps you watching.

I’ve always been of the mind that if you don’t have the budget to spring for good cameras or decent lightning equipment, at least put the money towards the special effects.  The makers of Wedding Slashers share my sentiment.  There’s a ton of bloody kills in this thing, including a pretty cool decapitated head gag, a gnarly hacked-up face, chopped-off fingers, eyeball plucking, gut ripping, a knife to the head, and so much more.  The killers each have their own bizarre mask and get-up, which looks cool, although none of them really develop much of a personality.  

Iconic Skinamax Siren Maria Ford has a small part as a doomed bride to-be.  Too bad she doesn’t get naked.  Heck, she doesn’t even last past the opening scene.  Genre favorite Richard (Invasion U.S.A.) Lynch also shows up briefly as Kinney’s lecherous “Daddy”.  If only they were utilized more because the amateurish cast can’t quite carry the picture all the way through to the finish line.  Still, there’s enough plucky spirit and gallons of gore to make you want to R.S.V.P.

TOAD WARRIOR (1996) *

You’ve got to hand it to Donald G. Jackson.  He doesn’t always make good movies, but he can sure come up with great titles.  Toad Warrior is one of the funniest titles I’ve heard in a long time.  Too bad it’s nothing more than a crappy, low-budget shot-on-video sequel to his magnum opus, Hell Comes to Frogtown.  Even with its crappy cinematography and shoestring budget, it still manages to be marginally more entertaining than the dreadful Frogtown 2.

The guy they got to play the hero (who I guess is supposed to be the brother of “Rowdy” Roddy Piper’s character in the original) is a joke.  He’s no Piper, I know that.  If you thought Robert Z’Dar was bad in Frogtown 2, just wait till you see this dude.  

The plot has a samurai named Hell fighting mutant frog men in the desert.  Apparently, the evil O’Malley (Joe Estevez) wants to turn what humans who are left in the wasteland into frogs.  Or something.  It completely falls apart by the end, so it’s hard to tell. 

Overall, Toad Warrior isn’t quite as bad as Jackson’s Roller Gator, it’s but still pretty crummy.  The action isn’t the worst I’ve seen.  It’s just the shitty shot-on-video look doesn’t do it any favors.  The frog man masks are well done, although the cheap samurai and Ninja costumes are pathetic.  The sets are incredibly slapped-together too.  When we see Estevez sitting on a throne it’s painfully obvious it’s just a chair with a black blanket thrown over it.

There’s one character named “Humphrey Bullfrog”, which is kind of funny I suppose.  He’s a frog man who dresses like a ‘40s detective.  Too bad his voice is so modulated it’s hard to understand what he says.  

The cast is about as amateurish as the rest of the production.  Estevez kind of embarrasses himself while barking orders and cracking shitty jokes on his throne.  At least porn star Jill Kelly’s cleavage helps to make her scenes bearable.  Too bad she’s not in it a whole lot.  

Plan 9 from Outer Space’s Conrad Brooks also turns up.  It’s kind of cool because he’s playing the same character from Roller Gator.  Even Baby Gator shows up for a brief cameo, which sort of makes this a half-assed interconnected Jacksonverse.  Say what you will about Toad Warrior, but Donald G. Jackson was doing the whole Cinematic Universe thing long before Marvel.

Toad Warrior is only 79 minutes long, but don’t let that fool you:  It’s a long movie.  There was a moment I thought everything was wrapping up, only to hit the DISPLAY button on my DVD player and discover I had 35 minutes left to go.  The last act is especially dire (the scene where Hell gives the same speech three times to three different women is particularly gratuitous).  The complete non-ending concludes with the old “To Be Continued…” ploy which further frustrates the situation and is downright infuriating.  

The surf music soundtrack isn’t bad though.