THE ONLY HOUSE IN TOWN (1971) **

A group of horny hippies break into the home of a beautiful woman.  She tries to hide from the insatiable intruders, but they eventually find her, wrestle her to the floor, and force her to participate in an impromptu orgy.  Then one of the sexpots (Uschi Digard) talks to the camera, and there are flashbacks to her various other orgies and sexual rendezvous.  

The Only House in Town was one of the final films directed by the legendary Ed Wood.  Unlike Take It Out in Trade and Necromania:  A Tale of Weird Love, there aren’t any of Wood’s usual cinematic fetishes to be found, which is kind of disappointing.  Because of that, it’s probably the weakest movie of his that I have seen. 

Wood is usually cited as the world’s “worst” director.  Yes, many of his films were technically inept, but he almost always imbued them with his unique style and deeply personal vision.  I can’t say the same for this one.  It at all times looks and feels like a bad ‘70s smut flick. 

Some of the technical shortcomings are good for a laugh.  You can hear Wood in some scenes giving direction to the actors, and sometimes they look visibly puzzled.  It’s no Bat Pussy or anything, but then again, what could be? 

Then there are Digard’s dramatic interludes where she addresses the camera.  I never turn down an opportunity to see Uschi in the buff, and the prospect of her and Wood working together was promising.  However, between her thick accent, the shitty sound, and Wood’s longwinded script, it’s hard to comprehend what the hell she’s going on about.  The musical selections that accompany the sex are also wildly inconsistent and rarely fit the action on screen.

Even as a die-hard Wood fan, I was hard pressed to get through this one.  The fifty-three-minute running time felt like double that (apparently there’s a longer, hardcore version that is unfortunately lost) as the orgy scenes drone on and on and on.  I usually find something fascinating about Wood’s films, even his late-era skin flicks.  Unfortunately, you can easily skip past The Only House in Town.

AKA:  The Only House.