Before the movie begins, there’s a little title card stating that it won the Gran Prix at Cannes. Well, it sure as shit didn’t win the Gran Prix at Monaco! Man, this is one slow moving flick! Halfway through, the going got so rough that I began getting a little antsy. I was so tired of waiting for something to happen that I had to play the movie on 1.5x speed. Much to my surprise, the thing actually started moving SLOWER. What the hell?
Kristen Stewart stars as an American working in Paris as a personal shopper for a rich woman. When she isn’t busy shopping, she’s trying to communicate with the spirit of her dead brother. Something threatens to actually happen when she starts receiving strange text messages from an unknown caller. Could it be a wrong number? Or could they be coming from her dead brother? Will you care?
Slow burn thrillers are not my favorite, but I can usually stomach them if they eventually catch fire. Personal Shopper on the other hand is one wet matchstick of a movie. Every now and then, there’s some Paranormal Activity-level stuff with Stewart stumbling upon a spirit. Mostly though, it’s just a collection of long scenes of her sitting around and looking at her phone. Which is weird, because so was I by the time the film was over.
If you thought K-Stew’s Twilight movies were bad, wait till you see this one. It’s one of the most half-assed horror flicks ever made. I should’ve known this was going to be bad because it was from the director of Boarding Gate, Olivier Assayas. Did he want to make an indie drama about class division? Or did he want to make a ghost story? Or did he just have two different ideas and decided to cobble something together and pass it off as “art”? Who the fuck knows.
K-Stew probably took this job to broaden her indie cred and help shed her Twilight image. Luckily for us, she also sheds her clothes in two scenes, and has an OK masturbating scene too. Those brief moments are the only reasons you’d ever want to watch it.
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