HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: TERROR TRAIN (2022) **

The original 1980 Terror Train was a novel slasher in two ways.  The first was its location, a passenger train, which helped set it apart from its contemporaries (most of which took place in either small towns or summer camps).  The second difference was unlike most slashers, the killer wore more than just one mask (he stole the masks from each of his victims and impersonated them to lure the next one).  The first remake, 2008’s Train was novel in that the setting was changed to Europe.  It also upped the gore considerably, which is always appreciated.  

Now, here comes the third iteration, Terror Train, and it’s a fairly close remake to the original.  There’s even a magician on the train!  However, this guy is no David Copperfield.  (Then again, who could be?)  I guess the big difference this time out is that the conductor is a woman.  (Mary Walsh, who looks like Judi Dench’s stunt double.)  She isn’t bad, but I did miss Ben Johnson from the original.  The new leading lady, Robyn Alomar, is no Jamie Lee Curtis either (but you already knew that).  Heck, she isn’t even Thora Birch.

Things start off OK with a solid Fraternity Prank Goes Wrong scene.  Then, we flash forward to a Halloween Party thrown by the fraternity aboard the titular train.  A killer boards the loco locomotive and before long, he’s picking off the people who perpetrated the prank one by one.  

I was kind of hopeful for this one since it was a Tubi original.  I’ve never seen a Tubi original before, but Tubi has long been my favorite streaming service because it’s free and it features some of the weirdest, dumbest movies I’ve ever seen.  Sadly, Terror Train is thoroughly generic and by-the-numbers in just about every way.  The kills are fairly bloody, sure, but they lack imagination.  (They’re mostly assorted stabbings, slashings, and at least one decent decapitated head.)  Ultimately, it’s a rather pointless remake, and the changes/concessions to the modern era (characters must learn hazing and sexism are bad) are halfhearted at best.  You’ll probably head for the sleeping car long before this train pulls into the station.

Incredibly enough, a sequel has been announced… and it’s coming out before the end of the year?!?!