Thursday, February 23, 2023

FRANCO FEBRUARY/TUBI CONTINUED… CROSSOVER: NIGHT OF THE EAGLES (1989) *

The same year Harrison Ford fought Nazis in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, his Star Wars co-star, Mark Hamill starred as a Nazi in this dull WWII drama directed by Jess Franco.  Yes, you read that right.  Mark Hamill starred as a Nazi in a Jess Franco movie six years after Return of the Jedi.  Read it again.  Mark Hamill stars as a Nazi in a Jess Franco movie.  You might as well read it again, because the fact that Mark Hamill starred as a Nazi in a Jess Franco movie is about the only memorable thing this boring ass turd has going for it.  

I guess if Hamill starred in a Jess Franco movie that was more… Jess Franco-y, it might have worked.  I mean, Jess has made countless Nazi flicks, so what could go wrong by bringing Luke Skywalker into the mix?  Unfortunately, Jess was going for a prestige picture with Night of the Eagles.  Instead of Nazi sex, Nazi experiments, and Nazi sex experiments, we get a boring love triangle between Mark Hamill and Ramon Sheen.  

That’s right.  Ramon Sheen.  They couldn’t even get Charlie Sheen, let alone Emilio Estevez for this thing.  Heck, even Joe Estevez wouldn’t have been caught dead in this.  

They might not have been able to get Joe Estevez for this thing, but lo and behold, Luke Skywalker was ready and willing.  This has got to be his all-time worst.  Man, if you thought Time Runner was bad, wait till you see this one.  

Hamill kind of phones it in, and I guess I can’t blame him.  He sort of hides inside his Nazi uniform, thick glasses, and oversized hat.  He’s probably hoping Indiana Jones doesn’t punch his lights out.  His awful deathbed marriage scene has to be his career low point.  

I think the biggest problem (aside from… well… EVERYTHING) is that Franco completely misread the audience.  Does he really think we’d want to see a Nazi love triangle movie?  Especially one that fails so spectacularly at being “respectable”.  At least Franco’s Naziploitation flicks had some stripping and whipping.  This feels like a bad Masterpiece Theater episode, but… you know… with swastikas.  

There are ways this resembles other Franco movies.  Chief among them is the recycling of footage.  This time, the action and battle scenes come from other (much older) war movies and the seams are obvious as the film grain, vehicles, and uniforms don’t really match the new material.  Franco’s use of the slow, lazy zooms and camera pans are kept to a minimum this time out (again, he was trying to be “respectable”), but he does give us a lot of padding in the form of nightclub numbers.  

At least the participation of Franco stalwart Christopher Lee prevents it from being a total debacle.  He plays a sad banker who is devastated when his daughter (the object of the love triangle) enlists in the Third Reich.  He gives a fine performance, which is easily the best thing about the movie.  Honestly, the only thing of note here is, of course, LUKE SKYWALKER STARRING AS A NAZI IN A JESS FRANCO MOVIE.  I guess if they knew Lee would go on to become Count Dooku in the Star Wars prequels, they could’ve had them do a Jedi battle or something.  As it is, they share no scenes together, which is a shame.  Oh well.  

Sheen (who looks and sounds like his old man), along with co-stars Robert Foster, Daniel Grimm, and Craig Hill all reteamed with Franco for Esmerelda Bay the next year.

AKA:  Fall of the Eagles.

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