TUBI CONTINUED… LADY OF THE DARK: GENESIS OF THE SERPENT VAMPIRE (2011) *

Boy, how’s that for a title, huh?  

When her husband goes away on business, housewife Eve (Melanie Denholme) is left home alone.  She spends much of her time frittering her day away, much to the audience’s chagrin.  While meditating in the garden, she gets bit by a snake.  After sucking the venom out, she celebrates by eating an apple.  You don’t have to be a biblical scholar to realize the shit will hit the proverbial fan soon after.  Eventually, Eve turns into a vampire and begins keeping a gimp in her basement to feed on.  

As its title suggests, Lady of the Dark:  Genesis of the Serpent Vampire is all over the place.  Some scenes feel like a low rent Playboy Video Centerfold of a scantily clad woman walking around her home and narrating about her daily routine.  Some scenes feel like a shaky-cam horror flick.  Some scenes feel like they came out of a film student’s short film.  Some scenes feel like an amateurish music video.  Some scenes look like a Skype call.  Some scenes look like a cheap bondage video.  None of it sticks.  

Mostly though, the flick is nothing more than long, irritating scenes where nothing much at all happens.  When something does happen, it’s little more than Denholme wandering around her house.  I mean, she looks hot and all, and the scenes where she gets naked and/or seductively exercises and does yoga help to alleviate the boredom… a little.  It’s just nothing to base an entire movie on.  I wouldn’t be against seeing her in something else, provided that it actually had, you know, a coherent plot.      

Lady of the Dark:  Genesis of the Serpent Vampire reminded me in a lot of ways of a Chris Alexander film.  It’s got a cast of (mostly) one actress who wanders around one location for most of the running time with a blank look on her face, oh and there’s some occasional nudity.  That, if you can’t tell, isn’t exactly a compliment.  However, I will say that this is probably the best biblically themed vampire movie starring one actress (and a gimp) that was filmed in someone’s mom’s house for $20 I’ve ever seen.