MONSTERAMA SCI FI LATE NIGHT CREATURE FEATURE SHOW (1996) ** ½

Here’s yet another Something Weird trailer compilation tape.  I have to say, it’s not one of their best collections.  In fact, you’ve probably seen most (or all) of these trailers elsewhere (including on other Something Weird tapes).  Then again, if you’re a sucker like me for trailer comps and monster mash tapes, it’ll go down smooth enough. 

Monsterama Sci Fi Late Night Creature Feature Show is chockfull of trailers for ‘50s space exploration flicks (Rocketship X-M, Destination Moon, and When Worlds Collide), Grade Z junk (Teenage Zombies, Killers from Space, and From Hell It Came), 3-D movies (It Came from Outer Space, Robot Monster, and The Mad Magician), films from Universal Studios (The Wolf Man, The Ghost of Frankenstein, and House of Dracula), the works of Roger Corman (Attack of the Crab Monsters, The Day the World Ended, and It Conquered the World), selections from Val Lewton’s career (I Walked with a Zombie, The Leopard Man, and The Curse of the Cat People), and the comedies of Abbott and Costello (Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy, and Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein).  Unfortunately, some of the trailers are shorter versions and/or from re-releases.  Oddly enough, the trailer for Half-Human has Spanish subtitles, which is something different at least.

Would I like to have seen a few other subgenres represented here?  Sure.  Would it have been nice to have seen more trailers for color movies?  (And by “color”, I mean “newer” as there are trailers for the likes of Scared to Death, This Island Earth, and Invaders from Mars.)  You bet.  Should there have been a few obscure titles sprinkled in here and there for the sake of variety?  Absolutely.  However, if you’ve got an itch to watch a bunch of ‘50s black and white Sci-Fi trailers, this will be the cure for what ails you. 

The complete trailer list is as follows:  The Monster of Piedras Blancas, How to Make a Monster, Rocketship X-M, Destination Moon, Teenage Zombies, Half-Human, Abbott and Costello Go to Mars, It Came from Outer Space, Robot Monster, Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Killers from Space, Creature from the Black Lagoon, The Mad Magician, Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy, Creature with the Atom Brain, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, X the Unknown, Tarantula, The Day the World Ended, When Worlds Collide, Attack of the Crab Monsters, The Day the Earth Caught Fire, Burn, Witch, Burn!, The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, The Time Machine, Rodan, Them!, Revenge of the Creature, Black Friday, The Wolf Man, The Atomic Monster (AKA:  Man Made Monster, The Ghost of Frankenstein, I Married a Witch, I Walked with a Zombie, The Leopard Man, Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, The Curse of the Cat People, Son of Dracula, House of Frankenstein, The Body Snatcher, House of Dracula, The Beast with Five Fingers, Scared to Death, Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff, Mighty Joe Young, This Island Earth, It Came from Beneath the Sea, The Astounding She-Monster, Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, The Deadly Mantis, Beyond the Time Barrier, Beyond the Time Barrier (TV Spot), Phantom from Space, Invaders from Mars, The War of the Worlds, The Creature Walks Among Us, It Conquered the World, The Mole People, The She-Creature, The Man Who Turned to Stone, 20 Million Miles to Earth, The 27th Day, The Monster That Challenged the World, From Hell It Came.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SANTO IN THE WAX MUSEUM (1963) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

SAMSON IN THE WAX MUSEUM (1963) ***

(As posted on March 9th, 2012)

The mysterious Dr. Karol opens a new wax museum in town. The main attraction features sculptures of famous people like Gary Cooper, Gandhi, Joseph Stalin, and Pancho Villa. In the basement, he keeps wax figures of Mr. Hyde, Frankenstein, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame. A pretty young journalist goes to do a story on the museum and quickly disappears. Her family then asks the great wrestler-turned-crime fighter, Samson to find her. Predictably, Samson learns that Dr. Karol is the mastermind behind her kidnapping. He also intends to turn her into a “Panther Woman” for his latest attraction.

The first half hour of Samson in the Wax Museum is needlessly talky and criminally low on Samson action. If you can get past the shaky beginning, I think you’ll enjoy this entry. While it’s not quite as good as Samson vs. the Vampire Women, it does have a lot more footage of him in the ring. We’re talking about some solid Lucha Libre here. There are three wrestling scenes in total; all of which help liven things up when the plot slows down. By far the best wrestling match is Samson’s final bout with a swishy opponent. (The scenes of Samson tussling with hired thugs in people’s backyards are a blast too.)

I guess it goes without saying, but Samson in the Wax Museum is kinda like a refried version of House of Wax. The thing that’s kinda cool about it is that it also borrows freely from The Island of Lost Souls too as Dr. Karol keeps a race of animal men in his dungeon (and naturally they turn on their creator and kill him). These final scenes are electric. Shortcomings aside, this movie features Samson fighting monsters in a cool mad scientist lab; so what more could you ask for?

AKA: Santo in the Wax Museum.

QUICK THOUGHTS:  

If you’ve seen VCI’s other El Santo releases, you know that they have been redubbed in such an atrocious manner that it makes the worst Kung Fu dubbing seem like Oscar-caliber material.  (Of course, I still dig them since it adds to the overall cheese factor.)  Their release of Santo in the Wax Museum is a bit different.  They basically used the same dub from the old K. Gordon Murray release (that was titled “Samson in the Wax Museum”) from the ‘60s, and simply added in a new title sequence retaining the original title, Santo in the Wax Museum. 

As for the movie, my original review still stands.  The only addition I can make is a word about the villain’s origin story.  Future filmmakers:  I implore you.  If you’re planning on making the villain of your silly Mexican wrestling/monster movie a Holocaust survivor… don’t. 

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: KILLER BARBYS VS. DRACULA (2002) * ½

Jess Franco’s Killer Barbys was a quirky, cool, and atmospheric rock n’ roll/horror hybrid.  This cheap sequel was shot on video, features bad dubbing, and is sorely missing the charm that made the original a minor classic. 

The Spanish punk band Killer Barbies play a rock show at an amusement park.  Little do they know Count Dracula’s coffin has been delivered to the park.  Their loud rocking and rolling awakens the Count from his slumber and he soon goes around biting tourists on the neck. 

The band’s numbers aren’t staged or performed nearly as well as the ones in the first film.  (They do a so-so cover of Iggy Pop and Kate Pierson’s “Candy” that qualifies as the musical highlight.)  The problem is they aren’t in it nearly as much as you’d think.  The first film was basically an R-rated version of Scooby-Doo with the Killer Barbies acting as Scooby and his gang.  This one is like a cheap Dracula movie that’s occasionally interrupted by performances by the band. 

In fact, it just seems like Jess had use of a theme park for a few days, so he filmed some quick scenes of some old farts hanging around.  Then, he filmed some dope running around in a Dracula cape.  Finally, he called up the Barbies and shot some scenes of them performing before cobbling it all together. 

The humor is groaning inducing.  Once the Count wakes up (he’s somehow able to move around in daylight), a news reporter asks him, “Have you had any trouble with AIDS?”  Dracula himself is a joke.  He’s bald but looks and acts more like Uncle Fester than Nosferatu.  A lot of time is also spent on the annoying Dr. Seward who basically acts as the Van Helsing character. 

At least Killer Barbies lead singer Sylvia Superstar is looking as sexy as ever.  Wearing an array of skimpy outfits, she’s fun to watch as she struts, prances, and dances around on stage.  It’s also amusing seeing Franco’s muse Lina Romay as the vampire’s familiar, who dresses like a cross between a dominatrix and a dictator (although I think she’s supposed to be a chauffeur).  Their enchanting presence isn’t nearly enough to save this dreck though. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE BEASTMASTER (1982) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

This has been on TBS a zillion times, so everybody’s probably seen it at least once.  Marc Singer stars as Dar, a warrior who can control tigers, falcons and ferrets with his mind.  He and Seth (Good Times’ John Amos) try to rescue a slave girl (A View to a Kill’s Tanya Roberts), help a young prince, and defeat the evil Maax (Larry Sander’s Rip Torn), who sacrifices kids.  Of course, Dar has to fight a guy who rides on horseback and wears a bat wing helmet, because every sword and sorcery movie made in the 80’s has a villain who rides on horseback and wears a bat wing helmet.  It’s rated PG, but it still has enough action, gore (severed heads in soup), and nudity (Roberts goes for a topless swim, which you don’t get to see on TBS) to keep everybody happy.  The bat-like creatures that wrap their wings around their victims and eat them till they’re nothing but slime and bones are the best part.  (They gave me nightmares as a kid.)  Singer later appeared on the V mini-series and director Don Coscarelli also directed Phantasm and Bubba Ho-Tep.

QUICK THOUGHTS:  

Having watched The Beastmaster for the first time in a long while, I have to say the movie is still great fun.  It’s definitely one of the best Sword and Sorcery flicks of the era.  Marc Singer, who kind of resembles Mark Hamill on steroids, makes for a likable hero, and Dar is a great character who has a cool gimmick of communicating with animals (it’s kind of like Dr. Doolittle Meets Conan the Barbarian) and uses a boomerang blade.  (Those ferrets are as cute as ever.)  Director Don Coscarelli delivers not only one of the best sword-slinging epics of ’82, but also gave us one of the all-time greatest quicksand scenes in cinematic history. 

4K UHD NOTES:

Before the movie begins, we get an on-screen apology from Vinegar Syndrome stating that the 4K restoration comes from the best surviving print and that sequences featuring optical effects will suffer from some grain and damage and yada, yada, yada…  But I’ll be damned if The Beastmaster doesn’t look and sound much bigger and badder than it ever did in 4K.  After years of watching it on TBS (back when it was affectionately known as “The Beastmaster Station”) in its censored and pan and scan form, seeing it now in 4K is something of a revelation.  The nighttime scenes are incredible, with the burning torches and rolling dust looking terrific against the black sky.  The scenes of Rip Torn cavorting with his hags (who have “10” bodies and “1” faces) are particularly outstanding, and the pulsating sacs of God knows what hanging from the bat people’s trees looks as cool as it ever did.  The cinematography by the great John (The Shining) Alcott really comes alive in 4K, and makes you really appreciate his work. 

But of course, the best-looking thing in 4K is Tanya Roberts.  As the Beastmaster’s pet panther would say… “GROWL!” 

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: TRANSFORMERS: RISE OF THE BEASTS (2023) **

A car thief named Noah (Anthony Ramos) makes the bad decision to try to steal a Transformer.  Meanwhile, Elena (Dominque Fishback), an intern at a museum, accidentally sets off a beacon while cleaning an ancient artifact that awakens a giant planet-eating robot.  Autobot leader Optimus Prime grudgingly turns to Noah to steal it so he and his robot pals can go home.  Naturally, the bad Transformers want it, so the humans and Transformers make an alliance with a tribe of robot animals called “Maximals” to save Earth. 

The motto for Transformers has always been “More Than Meets the Eye”, but with Rise of the Beasts, it’s more like, “What You See is What You Get”.  Creed 2 director Steven Caple Jr. at least knows how to keep the camera still during the action and doesn’t go overboard like Michael Bay did.  He makes sure the various robot battles are coherent, which is more than I can say for Bay.  Caple also tries to give the film a bit of heart a la Bumblebee as a chunk of the movie is about a boy and his car… err… robot, albeit with less successful results. 

The problem is that the robot animal Transformers are kind of weak.  I mean, as a series goes on, the ideas should get cooler, not lamer.  Age of Extinction had robot dinosaurs, which is an admittedly cool idea.  (Even though it was poorly executed in the movie.)  After seeing robot dinosaurs, robot monkeys and birds seems like a big downgrade. 

The human cast is filled with no-names, all of whom are okay, but unmemorable.  They’re not as annoying as some of the humans in the Bay-directed films.  It’s just that they lack personality.  The voice cast is rather stacked, with Michelle Yeoh, Peter Dinklage, Colman Domingo, Pete Davidson, and Ron Perlman providing the voices for the new robots.  However, their voices are so overprocessed and computerized that they could’ve been voiced by anybody really. 

Overall, Rise of the Beasts is a step up from the first five Transformers films, but that’s not exactly much to brag about.  It still has all the moronic stuff people want from the Bay movies (robots fighting, pissing, and talking in jive accents), albeit not nearly as mind-crushingly stupid.  It is, however, a big step down from Bumblebee.  (I did like the stinger at the end, though.)

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DESTINY TURNS ON THE RADIO (1995) **

FORMAT:  VHS

Quentin Tarantino’s one-two punch of Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction inspired a glut of quirky, low budget, crime comedies filled with pop culture references and eclectic casts in the ‘90s.  After directing those two classics, Tarantino made the ill-advised career move of starring in one with the painfully uneven Destiny Turns on the Radio. 

Dylan McDermott stars as a con named Julian who escapes from jail and gets a ride to Vegas with a slick gambler named Johnny Destiny (Tarantino).  He reconnects with his buddy Thoreau (James LeGros) hoping he still has the loot from their last heist.  Thoreau says it was stolen by a godlike man who appeared out of his swimming pool.  Naturally, he just so happened to be Johnny Destiny.  Meanwhile, Julian tries to win back his girlfriend (Nancy Travis) from the clutches of a sleazy, low-level gangster (James Belushi). 

Destiny Turns on the Radio is one of those movies with a lot of oddball characters and intersecting plotlines, but none of it quite gels in a satisfactory way.  There are one or two decent individual moments, but many scenes have little to no comic momentum and/or run on far past their expiration date.  Many of the performers are at sea wrestling with the weak material. Allen Garfield is kind of funny as a talent agent and Belushi seems to be having fun, even if he doesn’t get any actual laughs.  

The fatal problem is with the character of Destiny himself.  He has odd powers, but there’s no real rules to his schtick, except you know… he’s Destiny… or something.  I’m sure Tarantino probably jumped at the opportunity to flex his acting chops, and yet he really didn’t do his career any favors by appearing in this mess.  Some of his dialogue is pretty bad too.  You almost wish he gave himself a rewrite.

AKA:  Mister Destiny.  AKA:  Johnny Destiny.

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE: DEAD RECKONING: PART ONE (2023) *** ½

Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) and his Impossible Mission Force are after “The Entity”, a state-of-the-art, nefarious, self-aware AI technology that specializes in fake news and misinformation.  The team needs two halves of a key that will unlock a mystery buried below the Artic ice.  During their mission, a pickpocket (Haley Atwell) steals the key, which complicates matters.  Of course, the key is not valuable unless you know what it unlocks, so Hunt grudgingly makes her a part of the team in order to track down its matching lock. 

Dead Reckoning:  Part One offers a pretty good mix of grounded suspense, old-fashioned espionage, and bombastic action sequences.  The airport scene is reminiscent of a Hitchcock thriller, the humorous chase using Cruise’s “other” car is a lot of fun, and the close quarters hand to hand fights are well choreographed.  Oh, and of course, we also get lots of scenes of Tom Cruise running.  Although some action sequences are just variations on what we’ve seen in the franchise before (there are scenes involving trains, motorcycles, mountains, etc.), the tweaks are clever enough to make it feel somewhat fresh.  The finale in particular, is a real nail-biter and owes as much to the original Mission:  Impossible as it does to Buster Keaton. 

Returning director Christopher McQuarrie delivers another solidly entertaining entry.  He doesn’t have a signature style like past Mission:  Impossible auteurs such as Brian DePalma or John Woo, but he knows how to keep the franchise moving like a well-oiled machine.  The cast of returning members, Ving Rhames, Simon Pegg, and Rebecca Ferguson lend fine support, and newcomers like Atwell, Pom Klementieff, and Shea Whigham are all up to the challenge.  Only Esai Morales as the villain is kind of one note, mostly because he’s the human ambassador for the evil AI.  Maybe they’re just saving him for later and he’ll have something meatier to do in Part 2. 

One odd thing to note:  The title sequence doesn’t occur until a half-hour into the film, which might be some kind of record.  Then again, if this is a two-parter (the third two-parter of 2023 after Fast X and Spider-Man:  Across the Spider-Verse), then I guess thirty minutes into a five-hour film isn’t that bad.  Fortunately, it ends with a fairly definite ending, nicely setting up Part Two without resorting to an unnecessary cliffhanger.  I’ll be sure to accept that Mission when it comes out.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ARMY OF ONE (1994) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Dolph Lundgren stars as a trucker wrongly accused of murder who takes off to the desert with a hostage (Kristian Alfonso) in tow.  George Segal is the detective hunting him.  Of course, we all know Dolph is innocent.  Of course, we all know Segal is the one responsible.  Of course, we all know Dolph is gonna make Segal and all the other crooked cops pay. 

Army of One is your standard issue Wrongly Accused Man on the Run actioner that at least benefits from some decent desert location work and a solid supporting cast.  Days of our Lives’ Alfonso is good as Dolph’s more than capable hostage.  She also has shower and sex scenes but used a body double (porn star Crystal Breeze).  Poor Dawn of the Dead’s Ken Foree doesn’t even make it past the five-minute mark as Dolph’s ill-fated friend.  The Mamas and the Papas’ Michelle Phillips is pretty amusing as Segal’s shotgun toting wife, and Bert Remson and Geoffrey Lewis also show up playing crusty old sumbitches. 

Directed by longtime stuntman Vic Armstrong, Army of One is formulaic and is never quite able to rise above its generic trappings.  It also could’ve stood to be trimmed down as the one-hundred-and-six-minute running time doesn’t do it any favors.  The film is also a little light on action in the first half, but the slow-mo packed, blood squib-heavy shootout in a chop shop is a winner.  (The DVD I watched is the Unrated Version, which contains more blood and a slightly different ending.)  I just wish the rest of the movie had that same kind of flair.  

The presence of Dolph alone is enough to keep you invested.  He gives a solid performance and although the picture isn’t exactly his best, it’s well suited to his strengths.  I’d say the film gives you about what you’d expect.  Maybe more.  Maybe less, depending on what your expectations are for a Dolph Lundgren actioner. 

AKA:  Joshua Tree.  AKA:  Forced Vengeance.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SAFETY IN NUMBERS (2006) * ½

FORMAT:  DVD

You know you’re in trouble when the title appears twice in the opening credits. 

Past contestants of a reality TV show called “Survivor Island” (which is kind of like a cross between Survivor and The Bachelor) return to the deserted tropical island locale of the show for what they think is a reunion special.  Once they arrive, the contestants find an ominous message scrawled in blood stating they will all die.  Naturally, the idiots stick around.  They should’ve known something was wrong the minute they realized there were no producers, cameramen, or other crew members on the island and turned back.  Then again, like I said, they’re idiots.  After a long while, the former contestants begin being picked off one by one by an unseen killer.  Is the killer the psycho who was kicked off the show before the season finale?  Or is the murderer one of the contestants?

Safety in Numbers is yet another horror flick using reality TV as a gimmick.  I have a low tolerance for these things, especially when everyone speaks in annoying Australian accents.  You also have to put up with a lot of shaky-cam footage of the killer filming his victims from the woods.  Oh, and one of the annoying would-be victims also carries around a video camera and films everything, which makes us root for him to die first. 

The big problem with Safety in Numbers is that it takes about half the movie before people start dying.  Until then, you’ve got to sit through a lot of annoying scenes of people arguing and acting like assholes.  You know, just like your average reality show. 

It's not all bad though.  I liked that the killer dispatched his victims using traps that look like something out of an ‘80s cannibal movie.  However, most of the kills occur offscreen and the ending is extremely frustrating. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE HEIST (2001) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Luke Perry and Ice-T star in this moderately entertaining crime thriller from writer/director Kurt Voss, the man who was also responsible for the excellent Poison Ivy:  The New Seduction. 

Ice-T stars as a thief named “C-Note”, who along with his crew, robs an armored car and takes office worker Lucy (Amy Locane) hostage.  They make the mistake of hiding out in a warehouse where a homeless musician named Moe (Richmond Arquette) and his junkie brother Jack (Perry) are squatting.  The brothers then get the less than brilliant idea to rip off the thieves, even though they themselves are far from criminal masterminds.  Naturally, double and triple crosses ensue on both sides. 

As the title suggests, The Heist is a fairly generic crime picture.  It’s sort of like a variation on Trespass which also starred Ice-T, except with money instead of gold.  It’s a lean, mean, meat and potatoes thriller that benefits from a claustrophobic setting as it takes place mainly in one location.  If the script had another draft, or if the action was choreographed a tad better, we might’ve been talking *** here.  As it is, it’s close, but no cigar.

Sure, it’s by the numbers, but The Heist is well-paced, and the cast is solid.  Perry is amusingly cast against type as the twitchy, opportunistic junkie.  He probably had a lot of fun attempting to shed his Beverly Hills 90210 image.  Ice-T on the other hand has no qualms playing up his typical Ice-T screen persona as he is arrogant, authoritative, and badass.  He also gets a couple of funny lines.  When he sees the armored car for the first time, he says, “This is an ATM… and we’re gonna make a withdrawal!”  Locane does what she can with her underwritten hostage part and Married with Children’s David Faustino also appears in a supporting role as a member of a rival crew.  I never thought I’d live to see the day when Bud Bundy and Ice-T got into a Mexican standoff, but here we are. 

AKA:  Shot Down.

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: HERCULES IN THE HAUNTED WORLD (1964) *** ½

It’s been a while since I watched a Hercules flick.  It’s also been ages since I watched a Mario Bava movie.  Heck, I can’t even remember the last Christopher Lee film I saw.  Because of that, I decided to watch Hercules in the Haunted World.  What better way to kill three birds with one cinematic stone? 

Reg Park stars as Hercules in this sequel to Hercules and the Captive Women.  Herc returns home from a quest to find his true love in a trancelike state.  The only way to wake her from her slumber is to journey into the underworld and retrieve a magic apple.  Of course, evil Christopher Lee isn’t about to let that happen. 

Since it’s a Mario Bava movie, Hercules and the Haunted World is brimming with beautiful colors and gorgeous compositions.  Most Italian peplum suffer from an ugly, washed-out, half-assed Technicolor look.  This one is often quite visually stunning.  It’s also funny hearing Lee’s unmistakable voice being dubbed by someone else.  (He’s also dubbed in Italian during the opening scene that no one bothered to translate into English.)  Oh, and because it’s a Bava and/or Lee movie, it inexplicably turns into a vampire flick in the third act.  That’s just another way of saying it’s awesome. 

Most Hercules movies of the era have their moments but wear out their welcome fast.  Hercules in the Haunted World gives us a glimpse at what a Hercules flick would look like with a cinematic genius like Bava at the helm.  Sure, Hercules still does all the things you’d want to see him do in a Hercules picture.  He performs tremendous feats of strength, falls asleep at inopportune times, and beats up a lot of guys in togas.  However, this one also gives us shit like Herc tangling with a rock monster and fighting a horde of flying zombies, which I have to say is right up my alley.  

In short, this is the best Hercules movie ever made. 

AKA:  Hercules vs. the Vampire.  AKA:  The Vampires vs. Hercules.  AKA:  With Hercules to the Center of the Earth.  AKA:  Sword and Sandal.  AKA:  Hercules in the Center of the Earth.

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: FAST X (2023) *** ½

The Fast and the Furious movies seem to combat ongoing franchise fatigue by simply doing what they do best while adding colorful characters to its increasing cinematic family.  In the case of Fast X, we have Jason Momoa showing up as the new villain, Dante who has a score to settle with Dom (Vin Diesel).  You see, Dom killed his dad in Fast 5 and now, he wants payback because… you know… family.  To his credit, Momoa injects some much-needed pizzazz into the proceedings with his smarmy screen presence and hammy scenery chewing.  In some scenes, he dresses like a cross between Sailor Ripley and Tony Montana.  In others, he looks like a cross between a genie and a grandma.  All the while, he does enough mustache twirling to make him seem right at home in a silent movie.  Even if you’ve grown tired of the typical F & F nonsense, you might want to see it for his Nicolas Cage levels of WTF theatrics. 

As for the movie itself, it’s pretty much another day at the office for the F & F crew.  Cars go vroom.  Bombs go boom.  Asses twerk in slow motion.  There are scenic shots of the ocean. 

Damn, I bet you didn’t think you’d get a poem in the middle of a Fast X review, but that’s just the quality reviewing my fans have come to expect from The Video Vacuum.

Director Louis Leterrier does a solid job with the action.  I wish he went a little crazier at times, but since there are a couple of scenes that pay homage to his legendary masterpiece, Transporter 2, it was all good.  I’m thinking specifically of the crane scene and the race where bombs are planted on the bottom of cars.  (Not to mention the third act appearance of the Transporter himself, Jason Statham, who gives the film a boost of testosterone late in the game.)  

I mean, the action scenes are fun, even if they are just variations in what we’ve seen before in other entries.  (Like Dom and company trying to maneuver a rolling bomb through the streets of Rome, cars dropping out of cargo planes, etc.)  They also do the patented F & F thing of having the villain from previous movies becoming aligned with Dom and his crew.  (In this case, it’s Charlize Theron’s Cipher, who gets a great knockdown drag out fight with Michelle Rodriguez). 

Other additions include Brie Larson as Kurt Russell’s daughter… because… you know… family (Kurt is sadly MIA in this one after putting in a ten second cameo in F9) and Reacher’s Alan Ritchson as the new CIA head who wants Dom’s head on a platter.  The movie really belongs to Momoa though.  I mean, when’s the last time we saw a villain giving one of his dead underlings a pedicure? 

Oh, and say what you want to about this movie, but about ten minutes into the flick, Rita Moreno drinks a Corona… so… family… I guess?

AKA:  Fast and Furious 10.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: AT MIDNIGHT I’LL TAKE YOUR SOUL (1964) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Jose Mojica Marins directs and stars in the first Coffin Joe flick.  If you’ve never seen one of his movies, what the hell are you waiting for?  Viva, Coffin Joe!

Coffin Joe is the undertaker of a small town, and everyone lives in constant fear of him.  And for good reason, too.  If you don’t pay up at the poker table, he’ll cut your fingers off.  If you look at him sideways, he’ll horsewhip you in front of your friends.  It goes without saying being his girlfriend is a bum trip.  If you can’t produce an heir to extend his cursed bloodline, he’ll kill you and his best friend just so he can shack up with his new lady.  He also puts spiders on women, pokes people’s eyes out like a cross between Freddy Krueger and Moe from the Three Stooges and smashes a crown of thorns into a dude’s face. 

Needless to say, Joe has been building up a lot of bad karma.  Naturally, when an old gypsy woman puts a curse on him, he pays it no mind.  It doesn’t take long though for him to suffer the tortures of the damned. 

Wearing a top hat, cape, beard, and brandishing long nails, Coffin Joe cuts a memorable figure.  Marins portrays him to the hilt as he’s brimming with evil and boiling over with cruelty.  In short, Coffin Joe is a guy you love to hate.  It’s almost a shame he’s got to get his comeuppance.  Almost. 

As a director, Marins is one of the best in the business.  He gives us some memorable imagery that evokes the best of the old school Universal, Mexican monster, and Italian horror films.  The freakout scenes late in the picture are also a lot of fun and the scenes of Coffin Joe being a total bastard have a real kick to them. 

Incredibly enough, the sequels are even crazier, but this is the one that started it all. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: POCKET NINJAS (1997) ½ *

FORMAT:  DVD

This abysmal 3 Ninjas rip-off stars Gary Daniels as a karate instructor who moonlights as a masked vigilante.  He then bestows upon his three young students different colored masks so they too can go around at night and beat up muggers.  The Ninja trio then must take down a gang who have expanded their enterprise into dumping toxic waste. 

Pocket Ninjas was made in the post-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles era when any kid-friendly movie with the word “Ninja” in the title could be greenlit.  Even by the impossibly low standards of a dumb kids Ninja movie, this is atrocious.  Not only that, but it’s very disjointed and really dumb.  Apparently, it was started by Donald G. Jackson (which explains the rollerblading scenes) who was fired about halfway through production. Director Dave Eddy then took the reins and tried to cobble this mess together and salvage what he could.  I’d say he did a piss poor job, but then again, I don’t even know if Spielberg could’ve saved this turd.  Whenever the flick paints itself into a corner (which is often), it cuts to a random training montage which helps to further pad out the running time.  (Heck the term “training montage” is giving it way too much credit. Most of the time, it’s just a static shot of someone practicing Kung Fu.)  In fact, I’d say a third of the running time is devoted to the good guys and/or bad guys practicing Kung Fu.  The bitch of it is, none of them get particularly good at it.  (Random parade footage helps to further pad things out.)

I’m no expert, but I believe the scenes of Robert Z’Dar doing Three Stooges gags while punishing carnival music and comic relief slide whistle sound effects are on the soundtrack is a violation of the Geneva Convention.  Z’Dar is a lot of things, but a comedian he is not.  Seeing him doing shitty Curly impression is downright embarrassing.  Just when the movie should be over, the juvenile gang leader villain (who seems to be inspired by Robocop 2) challenges our heroes to a match in “Virtual Reality”, which is just a fancy word for more stupid fast motion comic relief fight scenes with Robert Z’Dar.  Even before that scene, I was like, "Game Over, man!"

AKA:  Triple Dragon.  AKA:  Skate Dragons.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE UNDERGROUND (1997) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Jeff Fahey stars in this highly enjoyable PM action flick as a down and out detective investigating the murder of an up-and-coming rapper.  It seems he was gunned down in a club by men wearing Abraham Lincoln masks.  Naturally, Fahey’s partner winds up in the crosshairs during their latest attack and is murdered.  It’s then up to Jeff (who predictably gets saddled with a new partner) to get some payback. 

The Underground has a very loose and silly premise, but that’s part of its charm.  At first, it seems like it’s going to be a serious action movie riff on the real-life Tupac and Notorious B.I.G. beef.  However, we quickly learn that the rapper was killed not but a rival gangster rapper, but by (are you ready for this?) an evil disco band named The Las Vegas Disco Express who are furious that he sampled from their ‘70s disco song!   Incredible.  

Nowadays when sampling music is commonplace in the industry and interpolation is the rule rather than the exception in the music business, The Las Vegas Disco Express wouldn’t have to take such extreme measures.  Even if they were screwed over for royalties, all they’d have to do was hire a lawyer and sue, just like Marvin Gaye’s family did to Robin Thicke.  Then again, if they did that, we wouldn’t have a Jeff Fahey action movie, now would we?

The presence of an avenging disco band should be enough for anyone to want to see The Underground.  At the very least, it makes it stand out from the rest of the glut of late-‘90s actioners.  Heck, even the usually cliched aspects (Fahey avenging his dead partner, slowly growing to respect his new partner, dealing with his crumbling marriage, etc.) work better than expected and the action is as typically over the top as you would hope for from PM Entertainment. 

Fans of Fahey will no doubt enjoy this one.  Although he internalizes a lot of his rage, when he finally starts cracking skulls, he’s a lot of fun to watch.  In addition to Fahey, we have Kenneth (Lethal Weapon) Tigar as his ill-fated partner, Gregory Scott Cummings (Mac’s dad from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia) memorably hamming things up as the ringleader of the avenging disco singers, and the great Brion James as Fahey’s captain.  Michael McFall is kind of grating as Fahey’s cocky new partner, but he does get some good lines, like when he arrests one of the Abe Lincolns and says, “You’re impeached, bitch!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DARK WATERS (2003) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Lorenzo Lamas stars as an underwater explorer/grifter who is seeking donations to fund his expedition to the lost city of Atlantis.  Before he can skip town with the money, he is kidnapped by a rich rival who wants him to go to the bottom of the ocean to find out what happened at his top-secret underwater oil rig.  Turns out, a swarm of hungry Great White sharks are using the place for their new feeding ground.  Lamas soon finds himself in the midst of a government cover-up and has to evade not only federal agents on a sub, but also genetically engineered man-eating sharks. 

Dark Waters was directed by Phillip J. Roth, a veteran of many SyFy Channel movies and straight-up crap.  This one is far from his worst, but it might make for choppy waters if you aren’t a Lorenzo Lamas fan.  The opening underwater scenes are downright laughable as the actors are clearly on a set and trying unconvincingly to make the audience believe they’re on the ocean floor.  While this could’ve been a recipe for hokey fun, unfortunately, the majority of the film takes place on a sub and Lamas’ escape attempts quickly get repetitive. 

Lamas does at least deliver an amusing performance.  His hair is even better.  In fact, this might be the best his hair has looked since Renegade.  He’s pretty funny in this too.  I liked the scene where he has a three-way with some hot blondes, and his reaction to seeing a “security tape” that winds up being porn is a highlight. 

I guess it all boils down to what you’re looking for.  Dark Waters is essentially an action movie with some occasional shark attacks.  I was kind of hoping it was going to be a shark attack movie with some occasional action sequences.  However, if you don’t mind more action than shark munching, you might enjoy it more than I did. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE FARMER (1977) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Gary Conway makes a great entrance in The Farmer.  He’s riding on a passenger train and goes to get a drink at the bar.  When a black soldier is denied service, he intervenes.  A guy stands up and compares him to Shirley Temple, which leads Conway to say, “You made two mistakes.  One was standing up and two was making fun of Shirley Temple!” before starting an all-out brawl. 

The farmer returns home after World War II to the prospect of losing the family farm.  One night, he saves the life of a low-level gangster named Johnny (Michael Dante) who crashes his car on his property.  He repays the farmer’s kindness with a big wad of dough.  Later, when a top Mob boss blinds Johnny, he turns to the farmer to get revenge by promising him enough money to save his land.  When the gangsters rape his girlfriend, kill his best friend, and burn down his barn, the farmer finally goes out for revenge. 

The Farmer is a solid, tough, and mean revenge flick.  It kind of reminded me of a folksier version of Rolling Thunder.  While it’s not as over the top as some of the best genre entries (aside from the acid in the eyes scene), it’s effective, nevertheless.  

Conway (who made his debut playing the monster in I Was a Teenage Frankenstein) looks like the love child of Ross Hagen and Stacy Keach.  He makes for an intimidating presence in his aviators and fedora.  (He later went on to write Over the Top.)  Angel Tompkins is also quite good as his gangster moll turned love interest. 

Long considered potentially lost, The Farmer was MIA on home video for decades.  It was well worth the wait.  Scorpion Releasing’s Blu-Ray looks and sounds great and will make a fine addition to your collection if you’re a fan of revenge flicks.

AKA:  Blazing Revenge.

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: KILL AND KILL AGAIN (1981) ***

This month, I’ll be using the Sequel Catch-Up column to not only watch recent sequels that I’ve missed in the past year, but also older sequels that somehow have eluded me for years and years.  One such movie is Kill and Kill Again.  It’s the sequel to the highly enjoyable Kung Fu actioner, Kill or Be Killed and it offers up the same brand of lunacy that flick was known for. 

A professor comes up with a formula that can turn potatoes into fuel.  That’s not the crazy part.  It creates a byproduct that acts as a powerful mind control drug.  Naturally, the evil Marduk (Michael Mayer) kidnaps him and uses the drug to take over a town and turn the citizens into mind-controlled Kung Fu fighters.  The professor’s daughter, Kandy Kane (Anneline Kriel) hires Kung Fu champ Steve Chase (James Ryan) to rescue him.  Steve assembles a crack team of oddballs and loose cannons (who are kind of like a prototype version of The A-Team) to infiltrate the town and kick ass. 

Marduk makes for a memorable villain.  Not only does he have the fakest Castro beard you ever saw, he also has a funny pink-haired girlfriend (Marloe Scott Wilson) who embarrasses him by calling him pet names in front of his guards.  How does he expect to control a town if he can’t even stop his girlfriend from embarrassing him in front of the guys?  It’s just one of the many nutty touches that makes the film so endearing.

Those wanting a more “traditional” action flick will get that too.  There’s plenty of training montages, barroom brawls, and Kung Fu battles here.  In addition, the mix of tongue-in-cheek humor and out-and-out broad comedy works most of the type too.  (I liked the scene where the team’s poker game is interrupted by parachuting karate killers, and they keep the game going through the fight.)  All of this just adds to the affable goofball tone.  Ryan’s battle cry, which sounds like Bruce Lee by way of Speedy Gonzalez, is also good for a laugh every time he does it (which is often).  

Overall, I can’t say Kill and Kill Again is the classic Kill or Be Killed was, but it’s a silly and memorable slice of Kung Fu craziness.

Oh, and are you craving more Kung Fu reviews?  Fear not!  My latest book, Kung Fu Companion:  The Chopsocky Movie Guide will be out next month… Just in time for Valentine’s Day!  

AKA:  Thunder Warriors.  AKA:  Fighter Gang.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: KING KONG (1976) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

A lot of people bitch about this remake, but it still remains fun, goofy entertainment. The filmmakers took great pains to “update” many aspects of the original 1933 classic to the “modern” ‘70s era. Instead of awesome stop motion animation, we get a man in a monkey suit. (Created and played by Rick Baker, doing an excellent job.) Instead of greedy movie makers going to a mysterious island, we get greedy oil men. Instead of Kong climbing The Empire State Building, Kong climbs The World Trade Center. The result is a film that actually feels more dated than the 1933 version, but that’s one of its charms.

Jeff Bridges (who sports a beard that was the obvious inspiration for Teen Wolf) stars as the hero along with Charles Grodin as the cranky oil entrepreneur and Jessica Lange (making her film debut) in the Fay Wray role. She also gets the best line when Kong whisks her away, she yells, “Put me down you goddamn chauvinist pig ape!” The standout scene is when Kong battles a giant snake in the pit of a volcano.

The energy crisis references and (unfortunately) the sight of the World Trade Center add to the film’s datedness. There actually was an actual size 40 foot mock-up of Kong created (by Carlo Rambaldi) for some scenes. Director John (Shaft in Africa) Guillermin returned ten years later with the awful King Kong Lives, also from producer Dino De Laurentiis.

KING KONG TV CUT  (1978)  *** 

I know it might seem odd to younger generations, but it used to be a big deal when theatrical movies played on television, especially in the days when you only had four channels.  (Boy, I’m really dating myself here, aren’t I?)  To make the event even more special (or mostly just to pad out the time slot), some movies would have extra footage not present in the original theatrical cut.  (It was kind of like a precursor to DVD director’s cuts.)  I don’t remember when King Kong ‘76 came on TV, but I do remember when Superman 3 was broadcast with brand new scenes, and it was a big fucking deal to me.  (Where’s THAT Special Edition?)  Scream Factory has dug through the vaults and restored the TV cut of Kong, which adds something like forty minutes’ worth of footage.  To people that hated on this movie since day one (mostly Kong purists), that won’t mean squat.  However, if you’re like me and have a soft spot in your heart for this goofy flick, you’ll love it.  (Naturally, days after I watched it, Paramount announced they were releasing it in 4K in a few months… DOH!) 

There’s a full account of the new and alternate scenes on IMDb, so you really don’t need me to catalogue all the differences between this and the theatrical version.  It’s been a while since I’d seen the film, so I didn’t spot too many new scenes.  (Of course, the only subtractions were the removal of brief bits of nudity and less gore during the snake battle.)  I was too busy digging the flick.   I’d say the additions were more marinade than meat. 

This was a big deal when it hit TV and it was spread out as a two-night event.  The Blu-Ray version even recreates the recap of the first night’s showing that kicks off Part Two, which I thought was pretty cool.  Another neat thing this version preserves from the TV cut is the fade-ins and outs for the commercial breaks, which I enjoyed immensely.  Watching it for the first time in a while, I was also struck by how good the John Barry score is.  Of course, it’s not a patch on Max Steiner’s original, but it has a feel similar to Barry’s Bond scores of the era. 

Seen in either version, King Kong ’76 is highly enjoyable monkey business.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BLOOD FOR DRACULA (1974) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

ANDY WARHOL’S DRACULA  (1974)  ** 

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

Udo Keir was pretty good in Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein, but he makes an awful Dracula.  The whiny, weak, pathetic Count goes to Italy to look for a virgin, or “Wirgin” as the Count pronounces it.  You see, he’s sickly, and the only thing that can keep him alive is virgin blood.  He stays with a family who has three virgin daughters and tries to put the bite on them.  Unfortunately, the socialist handyman (Joe Dallesandro) screws them all before Dracula can get to them.  Drinking “tainted” blood causes the Count to puke and whine some more.  Despite a lively climax in which Dallesandro chops Dracula up limb from limb before finally staking him through the heart, director Paul (Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein) Morrissey pretty much drops the ball.  It isn’t nearly as gory or as fun as Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein and is way too long and boring to boot.  Look fast for Roman Polanski who has a bit part in a pub.  Kier later played a vampire in Blade.  

AKA:  Blood for Dracula.

2024 CRITICAL REAPPRAISAL:

BLOOD FOR DRACULA  (1974)  ***

Blood for Dracula AKA:  Andy Warhol’s Dracula is one of those movies that have grown on me in time.  The first time seeing Udo Keir’s performance was a bit of a shock, but I think it was Paul Morrissey’s intention to subvert the Dracula trope.  After decades of screen portrayals, we expect Dracula to be suave and sinister, not pathetic and weak.  That goes along with the classist ideals of the movie.  Dracula has the title of Count and is aristocratic, and yet it’s the low-class servant (Joe Dallesandro) who is handsome and virile.  His quest for a virgin bride is likewise a subversion of our expectations.  Dracula’s need for virgin blood isn’t so much a lurid addition to the usual vampire lore, but more of a social commentary on old-fashioned men’s expectations of women, and their shock when realizing they have embraced the sexual revolution.  So, seen as a commentary on changing social and sexual mores, it works.  As a traditional bloodsucker flick, it’s less effective, but not without merit. 

I spent a lot of my original review comparing the movie to Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein.  That’s kind of unfair.  That flick was a real showstopping shocker, especially in its 3D version, which was released a while back by Vinegar Syndrome. (I never reviewed the 3D version, but I may go back and review the 4K if I wind up running out of 4K movies for this column.)  This one is a quieter, yet amusing experience.

4K UHD NOTES:

Severin did a great job on this release.  They retained the filmic qualities during the soft-focus scenes, keeping a fair amount of grain.  Other sequences are razor sharp and look like they could’ve been filmed yesterday.  The bountiful extras (which even include the soundtrack CD) make it a must for fans. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TENEBRAE (1982) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

This is one of Dario Argento’s best from the ‘80s. It’s wrongly mistaken for Argento’s Third Mother movie (the other two being Suspiria and Inferno), but it only uses the title of The Third Mother. Anthony (The Finder of Lost Loves) Franciosa stars as an author whose latest book Tenebrae inspires a serial killer to start offing people close to him. Throats are slashed with a straight razor and people have pages of the book shoved into their mouths. There’s also a Doberman attack and a particularly brutal axe murder. John (Battle Beyond the Stars) Saxon co-stars as his scheming agent and the director’s wife Daria (Deep Red) Nicolodi (whose voice was dubbed by Theresa Russell) also appears. The excellent score is from the former members of Goblin. Franciosa and Saxon were also in Zombie Death House together.

AKA: Unsane.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

Tenebrae was something of a “getting back to basics” exercise for Dario Argento.  It’s an old-fashioned giallo, as it features a black-gloved killer and simple, but effective kill sequences.  It was also Argento’s first giallo after the American slasher boom, so it’s interesting seeing how the violence stacks up to those films of the era.  Speaking of violence, Tenebrae is at its heart, a statement about the way violence and the arts become intertwined, and how the media want to put creators on the hook for their creations’ actions.  Although it feels a little slight compared to something like Suspiria or Inferno (the pacing dawdles coming down the homestretch), it remains a strong second-tier Argento flick, and honestly, most directors can’t even come close to that on their best day. 

4K UHD NOTES:

Having only seen Tenebrae on pan-and-scan VHS and on a Mill Creek 50 Movie Pack DVD, watching it in 4K was something of a revelation.  Although the film isn’t quite as stylish as some of Argento’s most memorable works, the colors looked vibrant in 4K (especially the blood), and the pulsing soundtrack sounded terrific.  Frankly, the movie hasn’t looked or sounded this good since… well… probably ever. 

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 4 (2023) ** ½

The evil Marquis (Bill Skarsgard) orders the demolition of The Continental Hotel, much to the chagrin of its owner, Winston (Ian McShane).  Meanwhile, everyone and their grandmother are gunning for John Wick (Keanu Reeves), who is desperately trying to find a way out of the hitman lifestyle.  Winton comes to him with a deal that could finally free John from the clutches of the underworld, if it doesn’t kill them both first. 

First things first.  There was no reason this should’ve been close to three hours long.  The filmmakers could’ve probably gotten away with making two great sequels and instead chose to make one sequel that, while decent, is overly bloated.  The gun battles and Kung Fu fights are likewise drawn out.  I also got tired of all the scenes of guys wearing bulletproof three-piece suits taking multiple gunshots at point blank range and never getting a scratch.  It’s like playing a video game on “God Mode” or playing a game of tag with your fingers crossed so there are no tag-backs. 

I will say the action is well done, and the choreography is concise.  However, the action sequences just seem to go on forever.  Consider the scene late in the picture where Wick does battle with dozens of assassins in the middle of traffic.  It starts off well enough, but it just keeps repeating the same beats (guys are shot and then hit by cars and vice versa) over and over again.  Like the film itself, it just doesn’t seem to know when to pack it in.  You know when you talk to a longwinded person and you keep interjecting, “That’s crazy” as a social cue for them to start wrapping up the conversation, but they don’t pick up on it and they keep talking anyway?  John Wick:  Chapter 4 is the cinematic version of that dude. 

The film is also full of cool ideas that it never manages to capitalize on.  Having Donnie Yen as a blind swordfighter should work, but honestly, he already played that role more successfully in Rogue One a few years back.  (I did like the scene where he placed motion sensor doorbells in various places, so he knew where the gunmen were though.)  Also, taking Scott Adkins, one of the most versatile martial artists working in film today and saddling him with a dorky fat suit was… uh… a choice.  Marko Zaror, who plays Skargard’s bodyguard, isn’t wasted nearly as much, but he really doesn’t get a chance to shine either. 

Reeves seems like he’s sleepwalking this time out.  Luckily, the other returning stars have some spark left in them.  McShane still looks like he’s having fun and Laurence Fishburne is pretty funny.  He also gets the best line of the movie when he presents Wick with a new suit and says, “A man’s got to look good when he’s getting married or buried.”

I think with John Wick:  Chapter 4, the bloom is slowly coming off the rose.  This might be a “hot take”, but I preferred the series when it was just Death Wish with a dog.  Now they feel the need to continually one-up each predecessor by adding new underworld “rules” and constant criminal empire comic book-style world-building, and frankly, it’s starting to get a little exhausting. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CAT-WOMEN OF THE MOON (1953) ** ½

FORMAT:  VHS (3-D)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 31st, 2008)

A team of astronauts headed to the moon are knocked off course by a comet.  While making repairs, the sole woman in the group (Marie Windsor) gets telepathic messages telling her to land on “the dark side of the moon”.  (They must be Pink Floyd fans.)  Turns out that the messages were coming from the Cat-Women; a race of hot chicks that like to wear skintight spandex costumes and serious eye make-up.  (They also have a knack for badly choreographed dance routines, but the less said about that, the better.) 

 

Of course, the Cat-Women want to use the astronauts and take over Earth.  Of course, one of the weaker Cat-Women falls in love with one of the square-jawed men.  Of course, the astronauts have to kill a lot of bitchy Cat-Women.

 

Of all the extraterrestrial female-ran society movies of the '50s, I’d have to say that Queen of Outer Space is my favorite.  Cat-Women of the Moon is probably a close second though.  While it ain’t great by any shakes, if you’re into cheesy '50s Sci-Fi films, you certainly can do a lot worse.  The flick starts out fine, but once the astronauts make contact with the Cat-Women, there’s a lot of scenes of them just sitting around talking and not enough action.  Not to mention that it features one of the lamest non-endings ever.  That’s okay though because shit like this is right up my alley so I was able to excuse the flick for its various shortcomings.

 

What I liked best was the awesomely bad special effects.  Like how the spaceship's seats were actually thinly veiled patio lounge chairs and office furniture; or how the astronauts’ radiation suits were nothing more than beekeeper outfits.  The highlight though was the giant spider attack.  Honestly folks, there are few things finer in this life than seeing a bunch of cut-rate ‘50s actors fend off a giant rubber spider. 

 

Cat-Women of the Moon was originally filmed in 3-D, but it’s okay to watch the 2-D version because nothing really leaps out at the screen anyways.  The excellent score was by none other than Elmer Bernstein.  He also did the equally great music for another Grade Z classic, Robot Monster the same year.  This film was later remade as Missile to the Moon, which I guess I’ll have to check out at some point, seeing as I can’t get enough of ‘50s chicks in tight spandex outfits.

 

AKA:  Rocket to the Moon.

QUICK THOUGHTS:  

The tape I watched was the 3-D version that was released by Rhino in the ‘90s.  Since my thoughts on the movie haven’t changed all that much, I’ll just review the 3-D presentation.  Sad to say, the 3-D is pretty disappointing as it only works about a third of the time.  Sometimes, the screen is a blurred mess, but if you relax your eyes, suddenly it’ll come into focus and the 3-D works.  (Kind of like a “Magic Eye” picture.)  Although the majority of the close-ups and long shots don’t seem to want to stay in focus, most of the medium shots seem to work.  Nothing pops out of the screen, or anything mind you.  However, these shots aren’t blurry as all get out, which is a blessing. 

As a novelty, the 3-D is kind of fun but it doesn’t work successfully enough to make the tape worthwhile.  Maybe someday the 3-D Film Archive will strike a new print in pristine 4K with proper 3-D.   Till then, I’d say stick with the flat version.  

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: THE EQUALIZER 3 (2023) *** ½

The opening action sequence of The Equalizer 3 contains what could possibly be the greatest gun punch in cinema history.  Denzel Washington punches a gun in the face while holding a gun in his hand, and the barrel goes through the dude’s eye.  THEN Denzel pulls the trigger.  I knew right then and there I was in for something special.  

We catch up with Denzel, who is now in Sicily healing up from a bullet wound.  Naturally, he tries to rush his recovery and more than one of the locals tells him to “go slower”.  I think that was director Antoine Fuqua’s policy too.  And I don’t mean that in a bad way.  I’m not saying the movie goes slower in a “moves like molasses” way.  I’m saying it goes slower like someone savoring every bite of a good meal.  After three Equalizer films together, Fuqua probably knows this is his and Denzel’s last go round, so they’re taking their time with this entry.  

Sure, his character is older and slower too, but that doesn’t mean he can’t still kick ass.  It’s just that time might be catching up with him.  And when your time is fast approaching, the only way to fight against it is to slow it down. 

As Denzel rests, he gets to know the people of the town.  He thinks he could settle down in a place like this.  Predictably, some local hot shot gangster wannabes harass the townsfolk and shopkeepers and try to run them out of town.  It’s then up to Denzel to set things right. 

The Equalizer 3 is a modern updating of the old gunslinger’s last stand motif with a small Sicilian village filling in for a Wild West town.  After the showstopping opening, things remain quiet, but powerful throughout.  This is a case where less is actually more.  We are witnessing a man craving peace and he only turns to his old ways to achieve it.  What makes the movie special is that he’s not seeking retribution, just a nice place to settle down.  He’s not out for vengeance.  Just peace and quiet.  I liked that.  The finale kind of sneaks up on you too, if only because the scenes of Washington being welcomed into the town work so well.  Things end not with a big action sequence, but with a long drawn-out scene of the bad guy suffering.  Some viewers might’ve been hoping for something closer to the Home Depot massacre of the first film, but for this entry (and possibly the series), it’s a fitting end. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MOVING TARGET (2000) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Don “The Dragon” Wilson kicks ass in Ireland in what could’ve easily been called The Bloodfist of Inisherin.  Okay, not really.  All jokes aside, for my money, this is one of his best. 

Anyway, Don goes all the way to the Emerald Isle to meet an internet date (Eileen McClosky).  She sends him out for beer, and he walks out with a six-pack, and wouldn’t you know it?  Some creep tries to kickbox him in the parking lot for it.  Since this is The Dragon we’re talking about here, he wins handily.  However, this guy’s boss REALLY wants the six-pack and guns down Don’s pen pals’ coworkers to get a line on Don’s location.  Turns out, there’s some nuclear detonators hidden inside the beer (!) and everyone and their grandma wants to get their hands on them. 

I swear, only Irishmen or high school seniors would go through this much trouble for a sixer. 

Apparently, this is a remake of Bloodfist 4, but with a six-pack of beer as the McGuffin instead of a box of chocolates.  It’s from the same writer/director, Paul Ziller, who got a lot of mileage out of the change of scenery.  (Not to mention all the internet dating stuff.)

I have to say I liked this one a lot better than Bloodfist 4, if only for the scenic setting, the goofy tone, and loosey-goosey vibe.  Sure, the plot chases its tail a bit, and there’s maybe one too many double-crosses during the third act, but the film is chockfull of scenes of Wilson kicking lots of people in the face, which is all that really matters in something like this.  It also helps that Ziller is more than adept at staging all the Kung Fu fights and shootouts.

This was the final collaboration between Wilson and producer Roger Corman, and I say they went out with a bang. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: NO TOMORROW (1999) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Master P directs and stars in this star-studded, late era, PM Entertainment action flick.  Trying to keep track of the plot and characters is liable to give you vertigo.  Master P is a street level arms dealer who has beef with an international arms dealer played by Gary Busey.  Pam Grier is the Fed who wants to arrest Busey.  Gary Daniels is a meek office worker who gets roped into some shady computer scheme with his sleazy co-worker (Jeff Fahey).  Little does he know Daniels is working undercover.  When Daniels winds up saving Busey’s life during a high-speed pursuit, he repays him by making him a part of his crew.  Oh, and since Master P directed it, there’s a random rap sequence. 

The opening is great.  Master P busts up an arms deal by showing off the latest model of flamethrower/rocket launcher and blowing up and/or burning and/or blowing up AND burning dozens of henchmen.  Now, I don’t know how PRACTICAL a combination flamethrower and rocket launcher is, but it certainly LOOKS cool.  Sadly, this is the only time in the movie when someone uses the weapon. 

The plot is messy (Master P’s scenes feel like they came out of an entirely different movie), and they do the PM trend of inserting action sequences from other movies and passing them off as their own.  (Most notably, Air America).  Some fun can be gleaned from watching the cast do their thing.  (Although Grier is kind of wasted as she spends most of her screen time in a call center sitting at a desk and wearing a headset which makes her look like a Time-Life operator.)  However, much of the film’s wind gets knocked out of its sails once Fahey exits the picture about halfway through.  I don’t know.  Maybe another couple dozen henchmen served up well done by Master P's flamethrower would’ve put this over the top to a *** rating.  It certainly couldn’t have hurt. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: NOWHERE TO RUN (1993) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Jean-Claude Van Damme tried to showcase his acting range with this one as it’s more serious and grounded than his previous outings.  However, he just wasn’t quite up to the challenge as he still had a long way to go as an actor.  He did, however, mature nicely as a thespian later in his career with memorable turns in Expendables 2, Pound of Flesh, and Enemies Closer.  It’s just at this stage in his career he needed a gimmick like Cyborgs or Timecops or twin brothers to make his vehicles work. 

Nowhere to Run is essentially an action movie reworking of Shane.  (There’s a scene where cops chase Van Damme on horseback just in case you didn’t catch on that this is supposed to be a modern day western.)  Greedy land developers try to run Rosanna Arquette off her land.  She won’t budge.  JCVD is a drifter who makes amends for past misdeeds by helping her take a stand against the company and defend her property. 

Directed by The Hitcher’s Robert Harmon with a slick but empty style, the pacing is a little staid and the action a bit lackluster compared to other VD action flicks of the era.  Van Damme tries, but he’s in over his head with a more dramatic role than usual.  It doesn’t help that his one-liners are kinda weak.  (“Au revoir, fucker!”)

You know you’re in trouble when a dead guy gets a story credit.  (In this case, it’s Return of the Jedi’s Richard Marquand).  That usually means the script has been kicking around Hollywood forever.  Even with names like Joe (Basic Instinct) Eszterhas, Leslie (Nightmare on Elm Street 5) Bohem, and Randy (Tango and Cash) Feldman listed as the other screenwriters, it all seems rather generic and derivative.  The villains (Lethal Weapon 2’s Joss Ackland and The Silence of the Lamb’s Ted Levine) are good though, and Arquette’s nude scenes are more or less worth the price of admission.  (It must’ve been the Eszterhas influence.) 

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: MEG 2: THE TRENCH (2023) ** ½

Jason Statham and his research team continue to explore the depths of “the trench” where potentially thousands of prehistoric aquatic creatures dwell.  They find a baby Megalodon and keep it as a pet/test subject/mascot.  While in the trench, they uncover an illegal mining operation.  Double crossed by their corporate benefactor (who naturally, is the brains behind the secret mining outfit), they narrowly escape with their lives and once they get to land, they must stop giant prehistoric escapees from devouring vacationers at an island resort. 

Directed by indie favorite Ben Wheatley (although you’d never guess it from the looks of things), Meg 2 kicks off with a fun sequence set during the Cretaceous period where a Megalodon chomps down on a T-Rex.  Too bad the first two acts are rather dull.  The scenes where Statham and his team are forced to wander around the ocean floor really bog things down and feel like an Asylum version of The Abyss.  The good news is the movie really comes to life in the third act where not one, but three Megs (and a squid and some assorted prehistoric beasties) turn an island full of tourists into an all you can eat buffet.  I just wish this same sense of fun was prevalent throughout the rest of the film. 

Most of the time, Statham looks like he’s only there out of a contractual obligation, but like the movie itself, he shows some flair once he starts single-handedly taking out Megs while armed with homemade exploding harpoons and riding around on a jet ski.   The inclusion of Wolf Warrior’s Jing Wu, on the other hand, feels more like a mandate from the Chinese co-production company than an inspired touch from the casting department.  The rest of the team are pretty much walking cliches (nerdy dude, sexy helicopter pilot, and annoying precocious kid), which I guess doesn’t matter since most of them become Meg Chow anyway. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: RAMPAGE: PRESIDENT DOWN (2016) ½ *

FORMAT:  DVD

“The President of the United States has been assassinated.”  That line is spoken by a newscaster in the movie.  I’m not even sure if the President is even given a name.  I do know the budget was so low they couldn’t even afford to show the assassination.  Instead, we are just told that the mass-shooting antihero Bill (co-writer and co-producer Brendan Fletcher) has done the deed (and killed the Vice President and Secretary of State while he was at it).  Now hiding in a hole in the woods, Bill makes YouTube videos where he rambles on and on incoherently about his political philosophy or lack thereof. 

Yes, Uwe Boll is back on his bollshit with the third and hopefully final installment in the Rampage trilogy. 

When the movie isn’t focusing on Bill in his hole, we follow two bland Feds trying to find the assassin.  These scenes feel like the cheapest cop show you’ve ever seen.  Somehow, the news broadcast scenes look even cheaper.  It’s also unnecessarily padded with scenes from the other two movies in the franchise. 

While Boll doesn’t show the “President Down” portion of the title, the “Rampage” that is glimpsed leaves something to be desired.  The action is mostly limited to the third act when Bill ambushes the Feds who try to bust him in his compound.  While the first two films were by no means good, they at least offered the sight of Bill running around the city and killing people.  (You know… an actual rampage.)  This one can only muster lots of slow-motion shots of SWAT team members flying through the air in the middle of the goddamned woods.  What’s worse is that when the movie SHOULD be over, it continues with shots of Bill’s “disciples” picking up where he left off.  They even execute Britney Spears!  (Off screen, of course.  If Boll won’t show the President being killed, he certainly won’t show Britney getting offed.)  His teary-eyed videotaped message to his son is especially hard to take. 

I’m not sure if this is Boll’s worst, but it’s gotta be damned near the bottom of the Boll barrel. 

Boll retired after this shit show (the stinger at the end features Uwe tipping his cap to the camera and walking off into the sunset), but unfortunately, it turned out to be more of an extended hiatus. 

Oh, and the dialogue?  Absolutely atrocious.  In one scene, a news anchor says, “Sadly, these stories are occurring at an all-too common occurrence.”  Man, that’s some Ed Wood shit right there.