LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMMANUELLE 5 (1987) ***

“EMMANUELLE APRIL”

FORMAT:  VHS

NOTE:  For the Let’s Get Physical column, I wanted to devote the month of April to the official Emmanuelle series and the unofficial Black Emanuelle franchise.  As you can see, April is almost over, and I am running behind with the Let’s Get Physical column, as per usual.  However, I have plenty of Emmanuelle VHS and DVD’s and Severin’s The Sensuous World of Black Emanuelle Blu-Ray set sitting on my “To Be Watched Shelf”, so just consider this month “Emmanuelle April” and next month “E-MAY-nuelle.” 

Monique Gabrielle takes over for Sylvia Kristel (and, Mia Nygren, I guess) for the fifth installment in the durable Emmanuelle franchise.  Producer Alain Siritzky had the right idea to hire Immoral Tales’ Walerian Borowcyk to direct an Emmanuelle movie.  Apparently, he didn’t hit it off with Gabrielle, so much of it was handled by his assistants.  Then, when producer Roger Corman got ahold of it for American distribution, he had Steve Barnett add new footage and re-edit the film.  Looking at the finished product, it’s obvious it was passed through many hands.  Still, Gabrielle gets naked a LOT, which smooths out many of the film’s rough edges. 

Our tale begins at the Cannes Film Festival where Emmanuelle (Gabrielle) has just starred in a controversial movie called “Love Express”.  She catches the eye of a sheik (“He makes Darth Vader look like Mother Teresa!”) who lures her to his country under the guise of a movie premiere.  Actually, he wants to kidnap her and make her a part of his harem.  It’s then up to Emmanuelle’s nerdy photographer pal to rescue her. 

Emmanuelle 5 is definitely campier and sillier than the previous entries of the series.  That, it should be said, isn’t a bad thing, as it makes for an agreeable good time.  Whether it was Borowcyk, his assistants, or Barnett behind the camera, the playful atmosphere and sense of humor keeps it light and fun.  There’s a particularly great scene where the paparazzi rip Emmanuelle’s clothes off and chase her around Cannes, and the harem escape sequence would look right at home in a Jack Hill movie.  (Emmanuelle even takes a break during the escape for a little hanky-panky.)  Things kind of threaten to go off the rails with not one but two false endings, and the whole thing feels curiously unfinished.  

That said, this is an enjoyable vehicle for fans of Monique.  Picking up where Sylvia Kristel left off is a daunting task, but Gabrielle is up for the challenge.  She is game for just about anything (including seductively eating seafood) and has no qualms whatsoever about getting naked at the drop of a hat.  Because of that, I’d say it’s a totally worthwhile sequel.   

AKA:  Emmanuelle in the Harem.  

VAMPIRE TIME TRAVELERS: BITE HER IN THE BUTT! (1998) *

A female vampire sets out to avenge the death of her sister at the hands of some college sorority babes.  Since she’s been in a coffin so long, she is unable to sink her fangs into her victim’s necks.  She then must resort to biting them in a softer, cushier place… their butt. 

This shoddy Shot on Video horror-comedy starts with an opening crawl and what feels like the climax to another movie.  However, as far as I can tell, it’s not a sequel to anything.  There’s also a lot of flashbacks and dreams, which results in the film getting off to a rather confusing start.  Once the narrative finally settles down, things don’t exactly improve. 

Many of the attempts at humor are downright painful, just plain misguided, or flat-out unfunny.  There are Buffy the Vampire Slayer jokes, sketches that feel like filmed versions of Playboy comics panels, and scenes that feel like they were ripped off from Mad Magazine (like the part with the “batting average”).  You also have to suffer through weird asides (like the “Man Who Never Calls Back”), way too many obvious sight gags that fall flat, and all the stuff with the “Man in the Closet” is pretty irritating as well. 

Some of the rapid-fire editing, non-sequiturs, and repeated dialogue is reminiscent of Party Doll a Go-Go.  None of it really works though as it’s strictly amateur hour through and through.  The only sequence that flirts with being worthwhile is the Dune-inspired scene where a sorority pledge has to stick her hand in a box that houses a flesh-hungry blob. 

By the end, it just feels like it’s just making up new rules as it goes along.  That might not have been a bad thing if it was actually funny, but it gets increasingly annoying as it wears on.  Oh, and the whole “time traveling” aspect is a complete bait-and-switch which increases the frustration levels.  (At least someone gets their butt bit though.)

Cinematographer Dennis Devine went on to a solid low budget directing career helming the likes of Ouija Nazi and Axegrinder 5. 

AKA:  Vampire Time Travelers.

KILLER RACK (2015) ** ½

We all know Debbie Rochon is one of the hottest Scream Queens of all time.  However, what makes her a cut above the rest is the fact that she is essentially a character actor trapped in a leading lady’s body.  Much of the joy of watching her filmography comes from seeing how she is willing to ham it up and chew the scenery, all the while looking damned good.  That joy is what keeps what would otherwise be a hit and miss horror comedy like Killer Rack abreast… err… afloat. 

Yes, if you can’t already tell, this movie is about a pair of bloodthirsty boobs.  Murderous melons, if you will.  Terrifying ta-tas, even.  But I digress.

Betty (Jessica Zwolak) is a flat-chested woman who is tired of seeing her less qualified, big-boobed co-workers getting the promotions she deserves.  She’s also sick of getting taken for granted by her loser boyfriend.  So, she decides to get a boob job.  Unluckily for Betty, she goes to see Debbie, who plays a character named “Dr. Cate Thulu”, who gives her boobs that have a murderous mind of their own. 

There are some good moments here.  Sure, there are also plenty of moments that make your eyes roll (especially the stuff with the knowingly cliched detectives).  Then again, when you see Lloyd Kaufman playing a shrink, that kind of goes along with the territory.  Fortunately, director Gregory Lamberson (who also made Slime City Massacre with Debbie) keeps things moving at an acceptable clip. 

Naturally, the film loses a little steam when Debbie drops out of the narrative in the second act.  Still, there’s enough silliness (including one scene that cribs from The Blob remake) to keep you somewhat amused.  While it’s not a patch on the definitive killer boob movie, Mausoleum, if you’re a fan of Debbie’s, I’d say you’re in for a mostly enjoyable time. 

(Oh, and as a longtime Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan, I dug seeing Betty’s boyfriend’s extensive MST3K DVD collection in the background during their argument scene.) 

SURVIVOR (2015) * ½

Milla Jovovich stars as a security expert working for the American Embassy in London.  Right away, she notices a lot of suspicious scientists have been coming into the country under her watch.  However, no red flags have been raised.  She then goes to her superiors who curtly dismiss her.  When she survives a bombing meant to silence her, Milla winds up being the prime suspect.  She then goes on the run and must clear her name before the baddies catch up to her. 

Director James McTeigue usually brings a sense of style to his films, as anyone who’s seen V for Vendetta or Ninja Assassin can attest.  Sadly, Survivor is a thoroughly bland and generic thriller.  Despite his presence behind the camera and the participation of Milla as the heroine and Pierce Brosnan (who looks bored) as the villainous bombmaker/master of disguise, it’s pretty much a dud from the first frame. 

It’s not bad enough that the plot is overly formulaic, but a lot of the movie just looks cheap.  Oftentimes, it feels like something your grandma would watch on Ion TV.  To make matters worse, the supposedly sad scene where Milla mourns the loss of her friends is unintentionally hilarious.  As she sits at her desk, she solemnly looks at their photo while stock footage of 9/11 is superimposed over it to hammer home the fact they died.  It’s totally amateurish. 

At least the flick has a good supporting cast.  Robert Forster, Dylan McDermott, Angela Bassett, and Roger Rees all appear, but they seem to be on autopilot.  Even the usually fetching Milla doesn’t seem to want to be there, and Brosnan is badly miscast as the bad guy.  The movie’s shorthand for “characterization” is sometimes amusing though.  For example, we know Milla doesn’t play by the rules because she rides a motorcycle to work.  Unfortunately, that’s about as deep as the screenplay gets.

IMMACULATE (2024) ***

Sydney Sweeney stars as a hot nun who travels to Italy to live in a convent that doubles as a hospice for old dying nuns.  She isn’t there but a day or two before she’s having disturbing dreams and puking at inopportune times.  That can mean only one thing:  She’s pregnant with Jesus 2.0. 

Immaculate is kind of like a nunsploitation version of Rosemary’s Baby.  Actually, it’s more like the antithesis of Rosemary’s Baby.  Either way you look at it (and I’ll try not to delve too deeply as not to spoil the best moments), there’s some good shit here.  In addition to that Polanski classic, the film also draws inspiration/rips off one of the most memorable scenes from Mark of the Devil.  It’s like I always say:  If you’re going to steal from someone, steal from the best. 

Immaculate is a great vehicle for Sweeney.  I mean we have one of the hottest women in the biz playing a sexy pregnant nun?  What more could I ask from Hollywood?  She delivers a fantastic performance too.  Her final moments are especially memorable as she switches gears from nubile nun to horror movie Final Girl in a blink of an eye.  In lesser hands, this sudden switch could’ve been comical, but Sydney plays it to the hilt, making you really root for her. 

The film straddles the line between tasteful and tastelessness.  I kind of wish it dipped its toe a little more into the latter at times.  That said, you know you’re in store for a good time when five minutes into the movie you see Sydney Sweeney dressed in a nun’s habit sitting on the toilet peeing.  If that doesn’t scream “Instant Recommendation”, I don’t know what does. 

Oh, and I guess I should mention I saw this during the film’s brilliant marketing gimmick where they sold tickets for $6.66.  (Unfortunately, it came to $6.99 with tax, but oh well.)  I can’t say Immaculate was great exactly, but it was certainly worth each and every one of those 666 pennies.

SMOKING CAUSES COUGHING (2023) *** ½

Tobacco Force is a superhero team who fights monsters and aliens by combining their forces to give the beasts cancer.  Although they just scored a decisive victory against a turtle monster, their boss (a drooling rat) sends them off to a retreat for a mandatory team building exercise.  There, they tell each other scary campfire stories to pass the time and ultimately have to confront what possibly could be the end of the world. 

Smoking Causes Coughing is another slice of certified cinematic craziness from Quentin (Rubber) Dupieux.  It’s a weird amalgam of inspirations, and yet somehow, it always feels refreshingly original.  It’s simultaneously a foul-mouthed, blood-soaked send-up of Japanese Tokusatsu and a gory tribute to Tales from the Crypt.  This kind of out-there mash-up is bound to be uneven, but the film’s refusal to be classifiable (even though it proudly wears its influences on its sleeve) is rather amusing. 

The first of the bizarre campfire stories is a tale about a woman who puts on a “thinking helmet” and realizes her husband and friends are no longer of any use to her and decides to kill them.  This one has a Cronenbergian type feel to it and features some good gore.  The next involves a man who becomes subject of a horrific workplace accident, but still manages to keep his spirits up despite his ghoulish predicament. This one is admirable for the way Dupieux continues to up the ante (way) past its obvious conclusion.

Overall, Smoking Causes Coughing is slight, but undeniable goofy fun.  Sure, the ending is kind of weak but at least Dupieux knew when to wrap things up.  Even at 77 minutes, it still feels a little on the long side.  However, there are more than a handful of hilariously over the top moments that easily make it a must-see for people who think they’ve seen it all.   

GODZILLA X KONG: THE NEW EMPIRE (2024) ****

Godzilla x Kong:  The New Empire is one of the best Monsterverse flicks.  It’s also one of the best Godzilla and/or Kong movies ever made.  The secret is that the human to monster ratio is about a 1.5:1, which is damn near perfect if you ask me.  Not only that, but the human drama propels the monster plot forward instead of stops it in its tracks, which is often the case in these things.  It also helps that the film is chockfull of kick-ass kaiju donnybrooks and giant ape slobberknockers. 

The plot is not necessary, but I’ll give it a whirl anyway.  Godzilla has awakened from his slumber (he’s been using the Coliseum in Rome the way a cat uses a pet bed) and seems to be powering himself up for an ominous cause.  Meanwhile, King Kong travels to the unexplored depths of the “Hollow Earth” looking for the last of his species.  He gets more than he bargained for when he comes face to face with the evil ape, Skar King who wants to lead his army of mad monkeys back to the surface so he can rule the world. 

Although Godzilla is somewhat sidelined for much of the picture, he does get to fight a giant sea serpent (as does Kong).  Once the King of the Monsters finally crosses paths with Kong, it leads to a great confrontation at the pyramids that plays like a giant monster version of the alley fight in They Live.  (No, seriously.  There’s even a “Rowdy” Roddy Piper-inspired suplex.)  The finale is one for the books.  It’s an all-out four-way tag-team brawl that begins with a terrific prelude featuring our monsters battling in zero gravity before touching down on Earth for some of the goofiest kaiju fight choreography since Godzilla vs. Megalon. 

That is to say, I loved every second of it. 

Oh, and did I mention Kong goes to the dentist?  When’s the last time you saw a giant ape have oral surgery in a movie?  Or that he gets a robot arm?  I mean, what’s not to love about this flick?  Sure, Kong may get more screentime than his co-star, but neither monster has a wasted moment (I liked the scenes of Kong bonding with a little ape dude), and we… shocker… care about what happens to both of them.  

This is about as far as you can get from last year’s instant classic Godzilla Minus One in terms of tone, style, and well… everything.  And that is perfectly OK.  Godzilla’s filmography is vast enough to embrace both approaches.  It’s a helluva great time to be a Godzilla (and Kong) fan.  

‘NEATH BROOKLYN BRIDGE (1942) **

A gangster (perennial tough guy Marc Lawrence) is looking to make a big score and he wants to use the East Side Kids on his crew.  Naturally, they don’t want anything to do with it, but the crook forces them to go along with the plan when he blackmails Muggs (Leo Gorcey) into thinking he’s committed a murder.  While the kids keep a woman who witnessed the murder at their clubhouse (disguised in drag as an East Side Kid), Muggs uses his ingenuity (or lack thereof) to outwit the gangsters. 

‘Neath Brooklyn Bridge is a middling entry in the East Side Kids/Bowery Boys series.  Gorcey and Huntz Hall are always fun to watch, but the gags aren’t as frequent or as funny as some of the gang’s later (better) stuff.  There are some amusing scenes sprinkled about (like when Hall tricks a fruit cart vendor into giving him free food), although it’s nothing that will exactly make you laugh out loud.  I guess that’s to be expected when Danny (Bobby Jordan) has a murder rap hanging over his head and Muggs is mixed up with shady underworld characters.  However, even the most grounded films in the franchise at least try to deliver in the yuks department.  The East Side Kids vs. hoods finale is also strangely lackluster and feels rushed. 

The supporting cast is unusually strong this time around, which helps somewhat. In addition to Lawrence’s fine performance as the lead heavy, we also have Reefer Madness’ Dave O’Brien as Danny’s older cop brother who tries to get the boys out of their predicament.  Noah Beery Jr. shows up around the halfway mark as Rusty, an older member of the gang who’s now a sailor on shore leave.  He sort of becomes the de facto romantic lead too, which was unnecessary if you ask me, as the romantic subplot gets in the way of the Kids’ jokes and antics.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: FEMALE MERCENARIES 2: THE MAD DOCTOR OF ZOMBIE ISLAND (2008) **

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on March 2nd, 2023)

I saw this listed on Tubi as Mad Doctor of Zombie Island, which sounded promising enough.  After sitting through a long prologue about a giant meteor crashing into the Earth (it looks like a wad of aluminum foil), two chicks getting into a Kung Fu battle, and a scene featuring the slowest death via quicksand in screen history, I was kind of flummoxed.  At about the ten-minute mark, the title “Female Mercenaries 2:  The Mad Doctor of Zombie Island” appeared, and it started to make sense why it didn’t make sense:  It was a sequel to a movie I had never heard of, let alone seen.  

Ten more minutes went by, and I was hopelessly lost again.  Characters come and go.  They die, only to reappear as clones.  I was starting to pull my hair out.  

Fortunately, at about the twenty-minute mark, the movie revealed its true purpose:  Gratuitous nude scenes, strangulations, catfights, and bondage.  If the filmmakers had cut the useless first two reels and gotten right to the good stuff, this might’ve skated by with ** ½.  Maybe.  All I know is that things got markedly better the less the actresses wore.  

Anyway, the “plot” has a mad doctor (who I assume died in the first movie) cloning herself on her secret island so she can continue her diabolical experiments.  Every time one of her prisoners dies, she clones them.  Sometimes she turns them into werewolves?!?  After she turns a couple of guys into zombies, their girlfriends team up to storm the island and get revenge.  

No wonder this was so weird.  It was one of those W.A.V.E. Productions where you can basically write your own fetish video and they film it for you.  I guess all the catfights and bondage stuff was OK, but I certainly don’t have a fetish for longwinded prologues and incomprehensible plots.  (Not that you would watch something like this for the plot, but oh well.)  All that stuff got in the way of the fun.  It didn’t help that the sound was bad, and a lot of the dialogue was muffled.  Still, the overly dramatic death scenes were good for a laugh or two.  I also enjoyed the long, lingering shots of the actresses’ butts when they’re lying on the floor dead.  

I’ve been meaning to check out the W.A.V.E. documentary, Mail Order Murder.  I see it’s on Tubi.  I guess I know what tomorrow’s movie is going to be. 

AKA:  Mad Doctor of Zombie Island.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: FEMALE MERCENARIES ON ZOMBIE ISLAND (1995) **

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 22nd, 2023)

In the year 2000, an asteroid (it looks like your grandma’s chair) hurtles toward Earth with the potential to wipe out all of existence.  Tina Krause’s solution?  Take a shower!

After the asteroid kills most of the population, sexy Doctor Pamela Sutch sets herself up on an island turning men into mindless zombie soldiers and performing brain transplants.  After she kills off most of the peaceful farming women on the island, the survivors swear revenge.  With some help from the zombie henchmen who long to become human again, they plan to overthrow the mad doctor once and for all.

Before I continue with this review, I have to get something off my chest:  There was no goddamn reason this needed to be 111 minutes.  The plot circles around and loops back on itself a lot.  The heroines are captured, then escape, only to be recaptured and escape again.  There are also long scenes where actors are forced to say an incredible amount of ridiculous exposition with a straight face.

That said, it has a scene of Tina Krause getting undressed, taking a shower, being chloroformed, and hogtied, not one but two long text crawls that look like they came out of a Sega Genesis game, and the world ends via piece of furniture, all BEFORE the opening credits start, so it’s not all bad.

Unfortunately, it seems like they added the opening after the fact as the rest of the movie is rather light on nudity.  I guess the filmmakers thought if they frontload it with a lot of T & A to lure you in, you’d forget what you were watching and why you were watching it in the first place.  Oh, did I mention this is a W.A.V.E. movie?  Questioning what the fuck you’re watching kind of goes along with the territory.

We do get some great gore along the way.  There are slashed throats, hilarious brain operation scenes, zombie attacks, and even some Kung Fu too.  I also enjoyed the fact that when the zombies eat people, it’s not raw like in a Romero movie.  They actually take the time to put their prey in a giant pot and cook them like an old Bugs Bunny cartoon. 

What else can I tell you about this one?  There’s mud wrestling, bondage, discipline, electrocution, strangulation, wet T-shirts, catfights, and water fights.  I mean, a movie with all that going for it can’t be all bad.  It’s just way too long and much too slow moving in between the good stuff.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EATEN ALIVE: A TASTEFUL REVENGE (1999) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on March 15th, 2023)

(NOTE:  This film appears as a bonus feature on the Blu-Ray for Limbo)

Okay, so when I watched Mail Order Murder, the W.A.V.E. Productions documentary, this was one of the titles that really stuck out.  The short clips that were shown don’t quite do it justice.  This is one of the nuttiest fucking movies I’ve seen in a long time.  I think I may be hooked on W.A.V.E.

Stacey (Debbie D) gives it all for her company but is still passed over for a promotion by her bitchy boss (Barbara Joyce).  To make matters worse, the job goes to Stacey’s ROOMMATE (Tina Krause) just because she’s prettier than her!  The nerve.  What’s a gal to do?  If you answered, “Grab a shrinking gun, shrink her enemies down to size, and then eat them”, then this is the movie for you.  

I’ve never been one for drugs, but this movie left me high as a kite.  Director Gary Whitson gets maximum laughs from the hilarious concept and the acting and shrinking scenes have to be seen to be disbelieved.  Some of the greenscreen “special” effects will have you rolling in the floor with laughter.  

If you’re not familiar with W.A.V.E. Productions, they basically allowed fans to write in to them with a list of their fetishes and they would incorporate them into their next no-budget horror movie.  I don’t know who had a fetish for shrinking hot naked women and then eating them, but God bless them and keep them for all eternity.  I’m not sure if I too have the fetish now, but I kind of already want to see it again.  One thing’s for sure, it’s one of the most insane films I’ve seen in a long time.  

The movie is only about thirty-five minutes long, which is about all the running time this insane premise could stand.  It’s almost like they shrunk the movie down to size too.  That is a good thing, though.  When you strip down something like this down to its barest essentials, it makes the weird-ass sequences seem even weirder.  

Speaking of being stripped down and bare, there’s a lot of nudity here, which also helps make it an unadulterated classic.  There’s a sequence where Debbie D and Sunny try on swimsuits for like ten straight minutes that is cinema at its purest.  Heck, I’m not even gonna talk about the scenes that take place INSIDE Debbie’s stomach where the shrunken girls are digested on something that looks like a Slip n’ Slide from Hell.

Even though it’s only thirty-five minutes long, Eaten Alive!  A Tasteful Revenge is still somehow packed with flashbacks, an overlong end credits sequence, AND post-credits bloopers.  I usually object to so much padding, but these scenes were so nice the first time that I didn’t mind seeing them twice, if only to double-check that I didn’t hallucinate the whole thing.  If you thought you’ve seen it all, by all means, check this sucker out.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LIMBO (1999) *

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on October 27th, 2022)

About ten minutes into Limbo, it became apparent that B-Movie Scream Queen-turned-first time director Tina Krause rented Jacob’s Ladder one night and decided to make her own loose remake using the crappiest home video equipment available.  That probably wasn’t the worst idea in the world, but the problem is that there is barely any connective narrative tissue to hold the thing together.  Because of that, it looks like one long, cheap, SOV music video.  

A woman named Katherine goes to a bar where she is given an ominous warning by an unseen stranger.  After Katherine picks up a cute waitress (Krause), things spiral into a lot of shaky-cam/let’s-use-every-filter-and-editing-trick-that-came-with-the-camera music video sequences.  She returns to the bar the next night where she picks up another stranger and the cycle repeats itself until Katherine learns she’s actually dead and in limbo.  (Hey, it’s not a spoiler if it’s in the title!)

This one was a tough sit.  Although I enjoy seeing Krause in her low budget horror movies, this is by far the worst one I have seen.  It was also by far the shortest flick I’ve watched this month (it’s only fifty-four minutes), but it sure as Hell felt like the longest.  

It's not all terrible.  If you can make it to the homestretch, there are a couple of decent gore effects (given the budget).  We get a pretty good face ripping scene as well as a not-bad gut ripping sequence.  However, that doesn’t make up for all the schizophrenic editing, incoherent storytelling (a vampire subplot is dropped into our laps in the late going), piss-poor camerawork, and piss-poorer sound.  

I admire Krause’s ambition.  More Scream Queens should take the cinematic reigns and direct their own movies.  I just wish that Krause’s directorial effort was closer in spirit to her other low budget vehicles instead of an overlong, experimental, wannabe student film.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BLOODY MUSCLE BODYBUILDER IN HELL (1995) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on November 9th, 2022)

Bloody Muscle Body Builder in Hell is basically a low budget, hour-long, shot-on-video Japanese remake of Evil Dead 2.  After reading that sentence, you should already know if you are the target audience for this sort of thing.  Even if you didn’t dig it as much as I did, you have to admit:  It has one of the greatest titles in movie history.  

Shinji (writer/director Shinichi Fukazawa) is a bodybuilder who takes his girlfriend and a psychic to investigate his father’s supposedly haunted house.  Before long, the vengeful spirit of his father’s former lover possesses the psychic and uses his powers to lock the couple in the house.  After being tormented endlessly by the possessed psychic, our hero eventually uses his love of weightlifting to smash the demon once and for all.

Some scenes follow Evil Dead 1 and 2 pretty closely, and the recreations are quite impressive considering the time and resources that were available.  Fans of Sam Raimi’s trilogy will enjoy these moments to be sure (everything from the headless corpse attack to the iconic “Groovy” scene is here), but I was even more impressed by Fukazawa’s original flourishes and twists on Raimi’s standbys just as much.  The eyeball stabbing scene is great, and the part where a necklace comes out a person’s mouth and digs into their eye is kind of freaky.  The film even manages to one-up Raimi when the dismembered hand fuses together with a severed head, creating a Bride of Re-Animator-esque creation.  Also, those who were always incensed that Evil Dead 2’s poster boy, the skull with human eyes, was nowhere to be found in that movie will be pleased that a very low budget version shows up here.

In front of the camera, Fukazawa mimics Bruce Campbell’s performance rather closely and nails many of his facial tics.  Weirdly enough, this was his only movie, and it’s sort of a shame.  Even though it’s clearly a riff on Evil Dead (I hesitate to call it a “rip-off” as it’s more of a homage than anything), his own unique spins on Raimi’s films are enough to make you curious what he might’ve been able to do with a completely original premise.  

“Sayonara, baby!”

AKA:  The Japanese Evil Dead.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SANTO VS. DOCTOR DEATH (1973) **

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on January 27th, 2021)

A thief sneaks into a museum and vandalizes a valuable painting.  An expert is brought in to restore the work of art and deems it to be a fake.  In reality, he’s in league with the ring of thieves who plan to sell it on the black market and make a fortune.  Stymied, Interpol brings in El Santo to bring the thieves down. 

I tend to find El Santo’s non-horror and sci-fi films to be among his lesser work, and despite the great title, Santo vs. Doctor Death has only the slightest horror trappings.  The scenes of sexy women in flimsy negligees walking down hidden passageways and catacombs are about all we get.  The movie is particularly sluggish whenever our masked hero isn’t on screen.  The art heist stuff is well-filmed, but mostly dull.  The same goes for the stuff with the Interpol agents.  We do get a pretty good car chase and the helicopter vs. boat finale is well done, although it is ultimately too little too late.  The ladies in the cast are all easy on the eyes though. 

Santo vs. Doctor Death is one of the few movies El Santo made away from his native Mexico.  It is also the only film he made in Spain.  The change of scenery is a bit of a mixed blessing.  While it may be a tad on the slow side, it is one of his best-looking flicks.  The cinematography is excellent and there are moments that look like they would be right at home in a Bond rip-off.  However, El Santo is usually at his best when he was working with guys who really knew how to utilize his talents, and this Spanish crew just can’t seem to do that.

The three wrestling scenes are OK.  Like the rest of the movie, they look slicker than usual.  The bulk of them are filmed in an empty auditorium, which is surprisingly effective.  Seeing the matches taking place in a mostly black void (complete with obviously phony canned crowd sound effects) is just odd enough to make them memorable. 

AKA:  Santo Strikes Again.  AKA:  Masked Man Strikes Again.  AKA:  Dr. Death.  AKA:  The Saint vs. Dr. Death.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MARDI GRAS MASSACRE (1978) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 22nd, 2014)

Mardi Gras Massacre plays like a lost Herschell Gordon Lewis movie as it’s basically a loose remake of Blood Feast. The difference is the psycho in this one kills women and offers them as sacrifices to an Aztec god; not an Egyptian one. Big difference.

A crazy rich dude wanders into various New Orleans bars and strip clubs looking for the most “evil” hooker he can find. Once he finds his prey, he brings her home and ties her spread eagle on a sacrificial altar. Because he likes to wear a long robe and a weird mask, they just think he’s kinky. They never expect he’s going to actually cut their heart out. It’s then up to a cop (who’s dating a hooker that’s just bound to be the killer’s next victim) to stop him.

Like many a Herschell Gordon Lewis movie, Mardi Gras Massacre features static camerawork, stilted acting, and cheesy (yet highly entertaining) gore set pieces. Everything in between the gore-drenched sequences is pretty shoddy technically (there are a lot of jump cuts) and many dialogue scenes go on far too long. The production values are about on par with a porno from the time, which gives the film a reasonable amount of charm.

I’m not going to lie; this movie is rough going in places. The pacing is uneven, most of the acting is lousy, the ending is terrible, and you’re liable to fall asleep on some parts. However, there is enough scenes of hookers getting naked, hearts being ripped out, and disco dancing to qualify Mardi Gras Massacre as a fun ‘70s time capsule.

LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL (2024) ***

Late Night with the Devil has an irresistible hook.  Jack Delroy (David Dastmalchian) is a fading late night talk show host desperate for ratings.  To boost viewership, he decides to book a supposedly possessed young girl for his Halloween show.  After bringing out a psychic (whose routine ends with projectile vomiting), the little girl is brought on stage and the Linda Blair-inspired antics ensue. 

This is a pretty good vehicle for David Dastmalchian.  He’s long been a dependable supporting/character actor.  Here’s he’s handsome enough to be a believable talk show host, but he carries a certain sadness in his eyes that suggests there's more going on beneath the surface.  (Which, of course, there is.)  Dastmalchian has charisma to burn as well, and commands the screen for the entire running time, even when the film itself begins to spin its wheels. 

The best moments occur during the “live” broadcast, which is filmed on old videotape and features plenty of horrendous polyester fashions. The black and white sequences of the behind-the-scenes chaos during the commercial breaks are less successful.  Also, the long scene near the end where the film drops its 4:3 television format and cuts to a more cinematic ratio could’ve been trimmed back some.  (I know this will be streaming soon, but the vintage TV aesthetic looked great on the big screen.)  However, whenever it hews close to its ‘70s-inspired live TV look, it’s rather effective. 

It helps that directors Cameron and Colin Cairnes actually deliver the goods when it comes to the exorcism sequence.  I won’t spoil what happens or exactly how it happens.  I’ll just say I’ve seen enough of these kinds of Found Footage movies where the filmmakers cop out at the end and never show what happened.  (I’m looking at you, Blair Witch.)  This one is pretty definitive. 

Ideally, this would’ve worked best with an hour-long running time (the length of the actual broadcast) as some of the padding is hit-and-miss.  There’s still plenty of good stuff along the way (like the file footage of a Satanic cult that is a fairly spot-on recreation of Satanis, starring Anton LeVay).  Hopefully, this will be a successful calling card for Dastmalchian, who deserves a breakout thanks to his fun performance.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BAN THE SADIST VIDEOS! 2 (2006) *** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on November 5th, 2017)

(NOTE:  This documentary was included on the Night of the Demon Blu-Ray)

David Gregory’s informative and absorbing follow-up to his Video Nasties documentary, Ban the Sadist Videos! focuses on the BBFC, the British Board of Film Censorship.  Thanks to their chronic nitpicking of gory and violent images in horror movies, Britain becomes the most censored nation in the free word.  The head censor in charge, James Ferman, takes to his job all too well, gleefully cutting stuff out of movies as he sees fit.  In actuality, the things he found objectionable (like throwing stars, nunchucks, blood on female flesh, etc.) seems pretty arbitrary.   

Gregory also shows how the British government used Video Nasties (mostly thanks to the country’s sensationalized tabloids) as the public scapegoat for violent real-life incidents.  The infamous Bulger case, where two boys killed a toddler, is blamed on Child’s Play 3, even though the kids never even saw the movie!  There is then a movement to further crackdown on horror films, which leads to an unlikely champion in Ferman, who winds up defending them. 

There are a couple of interesting side notes here, like the rise of the black market for movies without certificates.  I also enjoyed seeing the logistics of putting censorship into action (the board has to go back and watch thousands of videos that have already been released, leading to a huge backlog).  Gregory also does a side-by-side comparison of Evilspeak and its eventual censored version.  I wish there were more of these comparisons, because seeing the actual cut footage gives you a good idea of what the censors found objectionable. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BAN THE SADIST VIDEOS! (2005) *** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on November 5th, 2017)

(NOTE:  This documentary was included on the Night of the Demon Blu-Ray)

David Gregory is one of the great horror film documentarians of our time.  A director of several behind-the-scenes DVD special features, he has been entertaining and informing for decades, giving us in-depth documentaries on some of the most popular horror movies ever made.  With Ban the Sadist Videos, Gregory gives us a comprehensive look at Britain’s crackdown on horror videos in the ‘80s. 

Gregory begins with a glimpse of just how wide open the video market was in the early ‘80s.  Since the major studios were a little slow on the uptake, independent companies were able to flood the market with exploitation titles like Last House on the Left, I Spit on Your Grave, and Cannibal Holocaust.  Video stores were practically everywhere at the time, so these films were readily available to just about anyone.  Soon, moral crusaders took it upon themselves to ban the movies in an effort to “save the children”.  This led to a government crackdown on violent videos and police raids on mom and pop video stores, which gave the videos instant worldwide notoriety. 

In America, we didn’t have this sort of hubbub.  Our battle was mostly with the MPAA who cut out all the nasty bits before the movie could even be released.  As a Yank, I found this documentary to be highly informative, but the real reason to see it is for all the cool archive footage of the old video stores and seeing goriest snippets of the films in question.  I also enjoyed the interviews with filmmakers like Jess Franco, Wes Craven, and Dario Argento, who talk about how it feels to have your work censored.  I just wish there was more footage of them because most of the directors interviewed take the censorship kind of personally.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: FRATERNITY OF HORROR (1964) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Fraternity of Horror is a previously unreleased movie made by the producers of Night of the Demon when they were just starting out.  It was also directed by none other than Rocky Jones himself, Richard Crane.  It can be found among the many extras on Severin’s Blu-Ray release of Night of the Demon as a bonus feature.  It’s not great, but it certainly has its moments. 

A fraternity readies to scare the bejabbers out of their new prospective pledges (and their dates) during a late-night scavenger hunt inside of a makeshift haunted house during hell week.  Once the pledges arrive at the mansion, they eventually realize they are not alone.  Then, things get REALLY weird.

The college prank set-up reminded me a little bit of Ring of Terror and some of the haunted house shenanigans are reminiscent of Monsters Crash the Pajama Party.  The opening fraternity party scene is a lot of fun too.  A band named The Spinners (no, not those Spinners) does a great song called “Watusi Woman” while a sorority sister shakes her moneymaker on stage.  Crane gives us a couple of effective moments along the way too, like the sudden appearance of a severed head.  

The plot takes a wacky turn near the end, and it almost becomes an entirely different movie by the final reel.  I won’t spoil what happens.  All I’ll say is that the plot twist is so random that you’ll either go with it or you won’t.  (I went with it because, why not?)  However, some of the tension that Crane managed to build up is lost since so many of the scenes inside the haunted house are so darkly lit that it’s hard to see much of anything. 

Surprisingly enough, this wound up making for a decent double feature with Night of the Demon as the film’s monster sort of resembles Demon’s Bigfoot creature.  (Although it honestly looks more like the Bigfoot from Shriek of the Mutilated.)  While the filmmakers were obviously destined for bigger and better projects, Fraternity of Horror is a nice little indicator of things to come.  

ULTIMATE SENSUAL MASSAGE (1991) **

Playboy Video released this guide to couples' massage.  I’m not sure how informative it really is, seeing how it mostly exists as softcore filler, and even then, it fails as being very arousing.  Still, there’s some big unintentional laughs to be had, so it might be worth a look if you’re a fan of cheesy, dated, erotica. 

The first segment is called “Awakening” (**).  A couple stay at a B & B and the offscreen narrator/instructor tells us about the joys of waking up a loved one with a massage.  Our narrator recommends using an ostrich feather to add to the stimulation… because we all know people have ostrich feathers just hanging around their B & B. 

“Rejuvenation” (**) is up next.  After a day on the slopes, a couple come back to their cabin and give each other massages in front of the fireplace.  This sequence spends a lot of time on foot massages.  If you’re into that sort of thing, you might want to add an extra star to the rating.  This one didn’t do much for me, however.  There is one funny bit where the woman holds her lover’s ankle and pulls him up like a wheelbarrow though, and the narration (“KNEED the Gluteus Maximus”) is good for a laugh. 

In “Sensations” (**), a couple on the beach (an obvious set) apply suntan lotion to one another, which turns into a nude massage.  Our narrator lets us know that suntan lotion works just as well as massage oil.  We’re also told that you can use your feet on your partner’s back.  I mean, that might work at home, but on the beach?  You’d be covered in sand!  Oh, and I am all for exhibitionism.  However, I’m not sure that getting naked on the beach is a good idea, especially during tourist season.  The narration in this one is priceless too.  (“Remember:  A woman’s breasts are GLANDS not muscles!”)

Tenderness (**) is the fourth scene.  In this one, a couple give each other massages before bedtime.  Some of the massages include using chopping techniques, rotating the head and neck muscles, and temple massages.  I thought this segment was going to be beneficial and informative until the narrator suggested using something “mechanical” to assist you.  I thought they were talking about a vibrator, but when the woman brought out a heavy piece of machinery that looked a belt sander to use on her man’s back, I just had to laugh. 

“Seduction” (***) is the last and best sequence.  A couple standing on a cliff (it looks like something out of a Harlequin romance novel) seduce each other with fruit and wine before moving on to sensual massages.  I was almost ready to zone out on this one until the scene where the male model pours wine on the woman and the male narrator says, “Use the nectar of the gods to lubricate your partner’s loins!”  I might have missed some other good bits because I was laughing so hard at that line.  All in all, this scene isn’t exactly “hot”, but it is a laugh riot. 

Oh, I guess I should also mention the tape has two narrators, which is the big problem.  The woman narrator is informative and has a sexy voice.  The male narrator on the other hand sounds exactly like the voice on those DVD lens cleaners.  That is to say he sounds very jarring and his robotic tone ruins whatever romantic mood the filmmakers had set.  In fact, some of the music sounds like it came from one of those DVD lens cleaners. 

I’m really not sure why they thought this needed two narrators.  The lady did just fine on her own.  We definitely didn’t need the male narrator throwing cold water on the whole deal. 

Frankly, the tape isn’t really informative either.  Anyone who’s ever given their partner a massage could’ve figured all this out on their own.  You certainly won’t learn anything from this tape, that’s for sure.  Then again, it’s good for a couple of chuckles.  

AKA:  Playboy:  Ultimate Sensual Massage.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: NIGHT OF THE DEMON (1983) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 4th, 2019, as a part of The 31 Movies of Horror-Ween)

When I was compiling a list of movies to watch this month, I sort of figured the majority of them would be bad.  Heck, I was kind of counting on it.  Let me tell you, I was completely floored by just how awesome Night of the Demon was.  It is one of the grimiest, grossest, grindhouse-iest movies ever made.  Not only that, it is far and away the greatest Bigfoot flick of all time.  

A professor (Michael Cutt) wakes up in a hospital with bandages on his face.  Everyone wants to know what happened to him, so he relates a series of flashbacks.  First off, some inconsequential guy gets his arm ripped off by Bigfoot.  I don’t know if that was something the professor actually witnessed or just some cool-ass shit to kick off the title sequence, but that was some pretty groovy gory goodness.  

During the title sequence, you’ve got to listen to a lot of flute-led smooth jazz while a bunch of dull white people that look like they stepped out of a JC Penney catalogue walk around endlessly.  Then, the plot begins.  The professor watches recovered home movie footage that convinces him Bigfoot is in his woods.  One of his classmates tells a story about a couple banging in the woods being attacked by Bigfoot.  (If you’re keeping score, this is a flashback inside of a flashback, which makes it even better… and there will be many more to follow.)

This sequence is incredible.  Bigfoot interrupts the couple while they’re getting it on inside their van.  The heavily-bosomed woman watches, mouth agape as what’s left of her lover’s bloody body slides down the windshield while she repeatedly screams, “Oh!  Oh!  Oooh!  Oh!” before dying of fright.  This is truly some funny shit.

The professor then takes his students into the woods looking for Bigfoot.  When Bigfoot steals their boat and leaves them stranded, they go looking for help in the form of the mute “Crazy Wanda” (Melanie Graham) who lives in the woods.  She’s mute on account of the fact the Bigfoot raped her and when she had Bigfoot Jr., her Christian father killed it at birth, so the enraged Wanda burned him alive.  Yeah, I guess I wouldn’t talk much neither after all that.  Now, Bigfoot occasionally leaves her trinkets he finds in the woods (possibly lifted from his victims), which I guess makes it kind of like a warped version of Bigfoot alimony.

You know how in most Bigfoot movies he’s portrayed as a missing link type thing?  In this one, he’s basically a furry Jason Vorhees.  That description is quite accurate when you consider he kills someone while they’re in their sleeping bag.  This sleeping bag death puts the one in Friday the 13th Part 7 to shame.  

The gore in this thing is off the chain.  Bigfoot uses an axe on a lumberjack, makes two Girl Scouts stab themselves to death, and there's gut-ripping and eyeball-popping too.  It’s the scene where Bigfoot rips a guy’s dick off that is the real showstopper.  

In short, Night of the Demon is the movie The Legend of Boggy Creek should’ve been.  They actually have a lot in common.  Both contain scenes of the local yokels being interviewed about the legend of the monster.  It even shares the same flashback-heavy structure Boggy Creek had.  However, unlike Boggy Creek, it’s got lots of T & A and gore.  That is to say it’s the greatest Bigfoot movie ever made.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TREASURE OF THE FOUR CROWNS (1983) ***

 FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Comin’ at Ya was a surprise hit that kicked off the 3-D revival of the ‘80s.  The makers of that film quickly reteamed for another 3-D adventure.  This time instead of an old-fashioned western, they delivered a 3-D Indiana Jones rip-off. 

An adventurer (Comin’ at Ya’s Tony Anthony) is hired to retrieve the titular treasure.  Problem is, one of the crowns is in the possession of a crazed cult leader.  Tony assembles a ragtag team (including a boozing mountain climber, a washed-up circus strongman, and his trapeze artist daughter) to sneak into the cult’s temple and steal the treasure. 

Many of the 3-D effects are cheesy.  You can clearly see the strings on the pterodactyls, fireballs, and floating keys as they fly out into the audience.  We also get a completely random eleventh-hour Exorcist-inspired head-spinning scene. 

This might not be the best 3-D transfer from 3-D Archive as some of the “in your face” effects don’t quite line up just right.  (The dirt in the print seems to float in midair at times.)  I’d say the success rate is about 70/30 in terms of effective eye-popping effects, which is still much better than your typically indifferent 3-D home releases.  Then again, with this much stuff coming out of the screen, it’s hard to complain.  Also, the majority of the depth of field effects look terrific. 

Admittedly, some of this gets a bit exhausting after a while.  However, I can’t fault the filmmakers for trying to toss every conceivable object at the audience.  In fact, Treasure of the Four Crowns has more 3-D effects in the first twenty minutes than ten typical 3-D pictures combined.  With so much stuff hurtling at your eyeballs, it’s enough to make you dizzy.  In an age where most 3-D is post-converted, it’s refreshing to watch something that embraces the gimmick, even if it comes at the expense of the story.  

There are one or two clever sequences, like the Raiders-inspired opening and a nifty scene where the team break into the cult leader’s fortress.  Then again, these moments would probably be underwhelming in 2-D.  I mean, as a “movie”… well… it ain’t much.  As a gimmick… it’s certainly worth seeing at least once, if only to remember a time when filmmakers knew how to properly use (or in some cases, overuse) the technology. 

The 3-D effects include:  

• 3-D Star Wars Crawl

• 3-D Glove

• 3-D Cigarette 

• 3-D Spear

• 3-D Vine

• 3-D Leaves

• 3-D Vulture 

• 3-D Pterodactyl 

• 3-D Rope

• 3-D Snake

• 3-D Wood

• 3-D Dog

• 3-D Sword 

• 3-D Straps

• 3-D Skeleton Hand

• 3-D Sword

• 3-D Scepter

• 3-D Key 

• 3-D Crossbow

• 3-D Arrows (multiple)

• 3-D Spears (multiple)

• 3-D Sword

• 3-D Spikes

• 3-D Fireball (multiple)

• 3-D Sword

• 3-D Flames

• 3-D Fireworks 

• 3-D Cigarette

• 3-D Suit of Armor

• 3-D Spear

• 3-D Crown

• 3-D Pointer

• 3-D Magnifying Glass 

• 3-D Key

• 3-D Stick

• 3-D Cans

• 3-D Glass

• 3-D Water

• 3-D Flames

• 3-D Drawers

• 3-D Key

• 3-D Key

• 3-D Hands

• 3-D Snow

• 3-D Feather (multiple)

• 3-D Key

• 3-D Beams of Light (multiple)

• 3-D Hand

• 3-D Safecracking Tool

• 3-D Harnesses (multiple)

• 3-D Rope

• 3-D Grappling Gun

• 3-D Tony Anthony

• 3-D Magnet

• 3-D Chain Link Fence

• 3-D Feet

• 3-D Dog

• 3-D Rope 

• 3-D Feet (multiple)

• 3-D Scissors

• 3-D Candle

• 3-D Knife 

• 3-D Tambourines (multiple)

• 3-D Candle

• 3-D Tambourine

• 3-D Rope (multiple)

• 3-D Spikes

• 3-D Metal Snakes

• 3-D Real Snakes

• 3-D Sword

• 3-D Flame

• 3-D Glowing Orbs

• 3-D Explosions (multiple)

• 3-D Fireballs (multiple)

• 3-D Exploding Face

• 3-D Gun 

• 3-D Glass

• 3-D Monster

So, to sum up:  ** for the movie.  **** for the 3-D.  *** Average. 

AKA:  Crown in the Temple of Doom.

FANGS (1981) * ½

Fangs is an Egyptian remake/rip-off of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  It starts off with a fairly close copy of the famous opening credits sequence, complete with the close-up of the lips.  It even begins with the Egyptian Brad and Janet stand-ins getting stranded along the side of the road and going to a mysterious house.  Heck, we even have film breaks with a criminologist who helps explain the plot. 

Sadly, there’s no sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania.  Instead, it’s just a lame dude who dresses like Dracula and looks like Erik Estrada.  There’s no “Time Warp” either, but we do get a cool little disco theme with guys in vampire capes and KISS-inspired make-up. 

Then, the wheels fall off.  Fast.  Real fast. 

The scene that totally does the movie in occurs about halfway in where we see scenes of Brad and Janet living their lives, but the vampire keeps popping up to spoil things.  His appearances are accompanied by music stolen from The Munsters, The Pink Panther, James Bond, and Jaws, among others.  In fact, the further away it gets from its original inspiration, the worse it becomes.  After the non-Rocky rip-off scenes (which MAYBE were supposed to be spoofing Egyptian TV shows and/or commercials, I’m not sure), it never recovers.  Moments like Dracula’s rival donning a Rocky Horror shirt or the Hammer-inspired scenes of the vampire burning up in sunlight are amusing, but ultimately come up a day late and a dollar short.

This all might’ve been tolerable for an hour or so.  However, it’s downright excruciating at an even one-hundred minutes.  I’m sure a lot of the humor got lost in translation, but that doesn’t excuse the confusing narrative or the bad musical numbers.  You may enjoy it more than I did, especially if you view it as its own thing and not strictly as a Rocky Horror rip-off.  Then again, it’s telling when the moments that crib from RHPS are easily the best parts of the movie. 

UNDER THE SILVER LAKE (2019) ** ½

Under the Silver Lake is a shaggy dog neo-noir detective story that runs along similar paths previously trodden upon by the likes of The Big Lebowski and Inherent Vice.  As with those films, the lead is a slacker who might not get as consistently high as Jeffrey Lebowski or Doc Sportello, but they are all most certainly kindred spirits.  While Under the Silver Lake isn’t quite as captivating as those movies were, it definitely has moments where it threatens to fire on all cylinders. 

Shiftless lay-about Sam (Andrew Garfield) is five days away from being evicted from his LA apartment complex, but he seems to spend more time spying on his neighbors than looking for a job.  One day, he meets a cute new neighbor Sarah (Riley Keough) and they wind up spending a pleasant evening together.  The next morning, she and her roommates mysteriously vanish without a trace.  Sam then takes it upon himself to find her, even if it means potentially unraveling society as we know it. 

The plot juggles a lot of apples.  There’s the business about the neighborhood dog killer, a missing Hollywood mogul, supposed subliminal messages in a local goth band’s music, etc.  They all could potentially be connected, and I won’t spoil how things shake out, but I ultimately felt the mystery had too many pieces that didn’t fit.  Then again, the movie is more about the importance of having a mystery to solve and not really about the mystery itself.  I think.

If that makes sense.  

I was not a fan of director David Robert Mitchell’s previous film, It Follows.  I will say his quirky style is more suited to a lackadaisical detective story than a horror flick, although he still shows off his horror roots here and there.  (Most notably during the dream scenes.)  While he doesn’t stick the landing, and the film is ultimately less than a sum of its parts, there are enough weird, surreal stretches to make it semi-worthwhile. 

The film is already something of a cult item, and it’s easy to see why.  Repeated viewings will probably help piece together the assorted cryptograms and hidden messages that lurk on the corners of the story.  I’m not exactly itching to watch it again immediately, but I could see myself revisiting it down the road, which is a helluva lot more than I can say for the wildly overpraised It Follows. 

50,000 B.C. (BEFORE CLOTHING) (1963) **

A henpecked husband (Charlie Robinson) gets tired of his wife’s bitching and hops in the back of a taxicab that just so happens to be a time machine.  He inadvertently winds up at a nudist colony smack dab in the middle of prehistoric times where all the cavewomen wander around in the nude.  (Thankfully, the cavemen keep their loincloths on.)  He is captured and brought before the caveman king who eventually lets him stay with the tribe.  Meanwhile, a giant is carrying off all the cavewomen, so the tribe makes the cavegirls perform sexy dances (one dances with a snake that strangles her) to appease the brute. 

50,000 B.C. (Before Clothing) gets off to a fun start with an alluring opening credits sequence featuring nude women holding title slates over their lower extremities.  Sadly, it gets as spotty as a leopard loincloth after that. 

There is a great idea for a nudie-cutie here, but the problem is, it only takes up a small part of the movie.  In fact, it’s pretty rough going whenever the naked cavegirls aren’t on screen.  For one, you have to put up with a lot of irritating stalling tactics including long scenes of our hero relating flashbacks of his old burlesque act to his pet dog.  It doesn’t help that the Catskill brand of humor isn’t very funny.  Robinson is sort of like a low budget Moe Howard, but the filmmakers should’ve realized all his burlesque routines weren’t necessary and stuck with all the sexy cavegirl footage.  

Speaking of which, the nudie-cutie cavegirl scenes include naked cavewomen trying to start a fire, going on nature hikes nude, picking apples in the buff, skinny-dipping, sunbathing au natural, fishing in their birthday suit, and sewing without a stitch on.  ‘60s sexploitation starlets Gigi (Bad Girls Go to Hell) Darlene and Audrey (Olga’s House of Shame) Campbell are among the cavewomen, and Eddie Carmel who plays the giant, was the mutant in the immortal The Brain That Wouldn’t Die. 

AKA:  50,000 B.C. (Before Clothing):  Nudes on the Rocks.  AKA:  Nudes on the Rocks.

NAKED SPACE (1983) *

Naked Space tries to do for Alien what Airplane did for Airport.  They even brought Leslie Nielsen aboard as the spaceship’s captain.  Originally, it was called The Creature Wasn’t Nice, but was retitled to Spaceship to cash in on Airplane.  Later, it was rereleased as Naked Space to cash in on The Naked Gun.  The point is, beware of any flick that changes titles TWICE to cash in on Leslie Nielsen movies. 

It’s a shame too because it has a decent cast.  The rest of the crew is made up of Cindy Williams (who was also in the director’s The First Nudie Musical), Gerrit Graham, and Patrick Macnee.  (Writer/director Bruce Kimmel brings up the rear as the ship’s janitor.)  Everyone, including Nielsen, is game, but the movie never gives them anything funny to do.   

In theory, this should’ve worked.  The problem is there are no laughs to be had.  The humor mostly involves the ship’s computer talking like a radio DJ, Macnee wanting to name every little discovery after himself, and Graham acting like a chauvinist.  None of it was really funny the first time, and their repeated antics wears thin fast.  In addition to Airplane, it seems Naked Space also wants to ape Kentucky Fried Movie as there is a cooking show segment and a preview for a Dirty Harry spoof.  The lamest scene finds the crew holding a talent show where Williams does a musical number.  

Oh, and speaking of musical numbers, the creature also performs the song, “I Want to Eat Your Face”, but he garners no yucks or yuks.  The monster is bad on purpose and looks like a cross between Grimace and a strawberry Gusher.  Sadly, it’s probably the best thing about the whole shoddy enterprise.

With a good script and actual laughs, Williams could’ve made for a strong Ripley stand-in.  Too bad Kimmel resorts to a lot of unfunny side business and dumb musical numbers.  He also peppers in snippets from This Island Earth, War of the Worlds, and Spectreman that acts as monster file footage, but it mostly it just feels like filler. 

In short, this is one spoof that deserves to be shot into space. 

AKA:  The Creature Wasn’t Nice.  AKA:  Spaceship.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on January 12th, 2011)

Question:  What is best in life?

 

Answer:  To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women!

 

Question:  What is second best in life?

 

Answer:  To watch Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, see him kick ass before you, and hear the lamentation of your woman who wants you to turn it off so she can watch the Lifetime Channel.

 

Conan the Barbarian was the movie that got Schwarzenegger noticed as a bona fide action hero.  He gives a great performance as the sullen, merciless, and all-around badass Conan.  Arnold was so awesome in this movie that most Hollywood skeptics thought he only had one acting mode, but he soon proved them wrong.  He went on to show them that he could not only play musclebound barbarians, but also musclebound robots, musclebound commandos, and musclebound pregnant men too.  (Umm… yeah let’s forget about that last one, shall we?)

 

But Arnold is so great in Conan that you can almost excuse Hollywood’s ignorance.  I mean not many dudes can pull off the animal pelt banana hammock look, but Schwarzenegger does it effortlessly.  I particularly liked the scene where he disrupted Thulsa Doom’s snake orgy and overturned a cauldron full of bubbling Nilbog Milk.  It’s shit like this that makes him a Legend of the Silver Screen.  Arnold throws himself into the action scenes with all the gusto of a real barbarian so that you actually forget you’re watching Arnold Schwarzenegger; you’re fucking watching CONAN. 

 

I think what makes the character of Conan great is that he’s totally relatable to the (male) audience members.  Besides the giant muscles and broadsword, he’s just like us.  He’s the kind of guy who enjoys a good time and likes to party.  It’s nothing for him to down a few too many Black Lotuses and punch a camel.  Hey, we’ve all been there.

 

This dude also gets more ass than the proverbial toilet seat.  First Conan lays a hot breeding wench who just wants him for his seed (you’ve got to love those low maintenance chicks).  Then he gets lost and has to bang this fucking smoking hot witch just to get directions (this is why guys should ask for directions more often) who still somehow happens to remain smoking hot even after her hair turns white and she grows fangs.  (Then Conan tosses her ass in the fireplace after busting a nut, making her a different kind of smoking hot.)  Finally, of course he bangs Sandahl Bergman who is also kinda hot even though she could probably break me like a twig over her knee.  Seriously, he gets so much tail in this movie that he makes James Bond seem chaste.

 

There is more than Arnold’s performance and the colorful character of Conan that makes it one of the Greatest Movies in the History of the Human Race.  We also have some flawless directing by John Milius.  He does a helluva job on the action scenes and handles the sorcery parts of the movie just as well.  Milius captures the world that Robert E. Howard created perfectly.  Nearly every frame of the movie looks like a Frank Frazetta fever dream; which is to say it’s pretty awesome.  You also have to give credit to art director Ron Cobb (who also worked on Alien) for designing some pretty badass looking sets.  From the Wheel of Pain to the giant snake pit to Thulsa Doom’s orgy den, every bit of this movie looks and feels like it’s 100% authentic barbarian times. 

 

The supporting cast is also memorable.  You’ve got fucking William Smith as Conan’s dad.  Not many dudes actually look like they could’ve sired Schwarzenegger, but Smith is definitely in that select few.  James Earl Jones makes for a great villain too.  He looks like a Soul Train version of Genghis Khan and commands the screen with authority.  I also liked Sandahl Bergman, Gerry Lopez, and Mako as Conan’s traveling companions.  The latter two bring a quirkiness to the mix that compliments Schwarzenegger and Bergman’s brawn nicely.

 

The script by none other than Oliver Stone is terrific.  I especially liked how Stone wrote Conan’s character as Jesus on Steroids.  Don’t believe me?  Well, let me lay this on you:  Like Jesus, we don’t see much of Conan during his teenage years.  (For all we know, Jesus could’ve been tied to the Wheel of Pain too.)  Both Jesus and Conan went around the land helping people.  Both of them were crucified.  Both of them died and came back to life.  Both of them cut off James Earl Jones’ head and tossed it down a flight of stairs.  Okay, so Jesus didn’t do that last one, but you’ve got to admit there are certain uncanny parallels. 

 

This film also cleverly played on people’s fear of religion at the time.  Remember, Conan was released at a time when the audience still had people like Jim Jones on the brain, so it was only natural that his foe would be someone of the cult leader variety.  I’m sure it was no mistake on the filmmakers’ part to make Thulsa Doom’s underlings dress like those annoying Harry Krishna guys you used to see at the airport either.  I mean you just take one look at those jackasses and you immediately want to punch ‘em in the face.  It’s this kind of universal hatred that makes them ideal villains.  And you know, I’m a sucker for movies in which the hero storms his enemy’s castle and the villain shouts, “Infidels!”; so this movie is right up my alley.

 

The thing I really love about Conan is that the filmmakers treated the source material with the respect that it deserves.  Milius and Stone approach the character with the same kind of respect that Richard Donner brought to Superman.  In fact, Conan has the same basic structure of that film.  The first act deals with the loss of his parents, the second act features him finding his place in the world, and the third much longer act is one big adventure.

 

The flick also has a lot of parallels to Return of the Jedi, which came out a year later.  Both films feature scantily clad slave girls laying at the villain’s slide.  Both films feature a monster keeper who gets all choked up when his pet beast is slain.  Both films feature a funeral pyre for a major character.  And that’s not even mentioning the fact that James Earl Jones is the baddie in both.  (The ending of the flick also predates Predator too as Arnold dons body paint and sets booby traps.)

 

Any movie that uses Jesus, Superman, and Star Wars as inspiration can’t go wrong if you ask me. 

 

Then you’ve got some positively fist-pumping music by Basil Poledouris.  It’s primal and foreboding and it fits the title character to a tee.  Thank God Poledouris wrote this shit because if he didn’t, there’d be about 768 movie trailers that would be without music.

 

Arnold is The Man in this movie.  I know I said it before, but it bears repeating.  Who else but Arnold could play Conan?  He gives a great performance and handles his dialogue better than you’d expect.  YOU try saying the word “lamentation” with a thick Austrian accent. 

 

I don’t know who came up with all of that “Chuck Norris is so tough…” crap.  All I know is that Arnold could easily crush that fool.  The proof is in the crucifixion scene when the vultures gather around Conan’s body.  The vultures don’t eat him, HE eats the vultures!  You won’t see Chuck Norris doing that, that’s for sure.

 

By Crom, this is one great movie.

 

AKA:  Conan. 

QUICK THOUGHTS:

I don’t have much to add as I pretty much said my peace years ago, but as I was watching this again, I was struck by how silent the film is in some stretches.  It’s a testament to Milius’ sturdy hand as a director.  We all know he can write dialogue like nobody in the business, but his gifts as a storyteller and his expert crafting of compositions are evident throughout. 

4K UHD NOTES:

This is a mighty fine restoration by the folks at Arrow.  This is as sharp as the film has ever looked.  The nighttime scenes in particular really pop, especially the ones that are accented by campfire or torchlight.  The details in Thulsa Doom’s throne room stand out even more than before as well.  The soundtrack also slaps.