LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LAST HOUSE ON DEAD END STREET (1977) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 4th, 2011)

This movie resembles something that clawed its way out of Satan’s butthole; and I mean that in the best way possible. Every frame of the film looks like the final retinal image of a dying deranged lunatic. If that isn’t the highest form of praise I can bestow on a movie; I don’t know what is.

Some porno backers are tired of the usual old skinflicks so they hire Terry Hawkins (writer/director Roger Watkins) to make some new product. They don’t count on him being a total nutjob. Terry takes his work very seriously and he along with his loyal cast and crew, makes some disgusting snuff films in which they wear cheap dime store masks and slaughter the producers (and their wives) on camera.

So in a way; it’s kinda like Cecil B. Demented Meets The Strangers.

The first 40 minutes of The Last House on Dead End Street are sloppy, amateurish, and more than a little boring. But the final half hour of the film where all the snuffing happens is fucked up and then some. The gore highlight comes when Terry and his crew tie a chick down, cut off her legs, and rip every organ imaginable out of her body. We also get an outrageous scene where a chick is put in blackface and whipped at a party too. But nothing can prepare you for the scene where a gal unzips her jeans and pulls out a deer hoof and makes some poor bastard suck it like Sasha Grey.

Folks, if this scene doesn’t make you want to take a shower directly afterwards, nothing will.

Watkins is pretty awesome in this movie. He kinda looks like a cross between Bill Hader and Marky Ramone and gives a truly awesome performance. My favorite scene of his was when he stomped his producer to death while repeatedly screaming, “I’m directing this fucking movie!”

If ever there was a movie about a misunderstood artist struggling to find balance between art and commerce, it’s this one.

As a director, Watkins does a fine job too. He basically makes the whole flick look like an honest to God snuff film; which is a pretty impressive feat. It’s a shame he never directed another horror film because if The Last House on Dead End Street was any indication; he could’ve been one of the greats.

AKA: The Cuckoo Clocks of Hell. AKA: The Fun House.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CORRUPTION (1983) **

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on March 18th, 2016)

I’m a huge Jamie Gillis fan. In fact, my next book (which hopefully will be out by the summer) will feature an entire chapter devoted to the man. Gillis delivered some truly stellar performances in a slew of XXX movies over the years, and he’s always fun to watch, no matter the quality of the film. In Corruption, he gives a good performance, but the flick is so muddled that he never is really given much to work with.

Gillis plays a businessman who closes some sort of deal. His brother is a lowlife who he has to make a temporary alliance with to make sure the deal goes through. He then leads Gillis into a place that has a series of red doors, each of which feature a bunch of people performing sex acts just behind them.

I really couldn’t make head or tails of what was going on in the movie. It’s particularly frustrating and disappointing given the fact that it was directed by none other than Roger Watkins of The Last House on Dead End Street fame. Although he does toss in a few moments of random weirdness (like the guy in the mime make-up), none of it really makes much sense.

Not that you necessarily need a porno to make sense. If the sex scenes were any good, I probably wouldn’t have minded the fact that Watkins’ plotting sometimes borders on schizophrenic. Although Gillis gets a good scene with Vanessa Del Rio, many of the other sex scenes just come up short. The cinematography looks great too, but in the end, Corruption winds up being too arty to really work as erotica and not sexy enough to function as a straight XXX flick.

AKA: Corruption in Bed.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ROBOT LOVE SLAVES (1971) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 4th, 2017)

A scientist is so busy in his lab perfecting his robot love slaves that he doesn’t have any time for his paralyzed wife.  Not to worry.  She’s not really paralyzed.  She’s just faking it so she can fuck her doctor.  Once the robot love slaves are in working order, the scientist sends them off to ball various friends before turning them on his wife. 

Robot Love Slaves might’ve been better if the hardcore scenes had remained intact.  As it is, this softcore version is perfectly acceptable.  Then again, the missing XXX footage might’ve been terrible, so who knows?  All I know is that sometimes, the editing gets a bit too herky-jerky during the sex scenes.  

Thank goodness the sci-fi scenes are just silly enough to keep you interested during its hour-or-so running time.  I mean the filmmakers did a nice job of making the most of the production’s shoestring budget.  It was all clearly filmed in someone’s apartment, but at least the lab looked decent as far as these things go.  The girls are appealing for the most part.  They certainly seem game enough.  There’s even an OK plot twist near the end.

The funniest and most memorable part though was hearing instrumental versions of the day’s top hits during the sex scenes.  I’m sure there are plenty of other better ‘70s sex films you could waste your time on.  However, how many of those feature people screwing to instrumentals of “Hey Jude” and “What a Wonderful World”?

AKA:  Too Much Loving.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BAT PUSSY (1973) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 4th, 2017)

Just when I thought I’d seen everything, along comes Bat Pussy.  I have seen some jaw-dropping monuments of WTF Cinema in my time.  Nothing could have prepared me for this.

It is on the surface, a porn parody of Batman.  I’m sure you’ve all seen XXX versions of superhero movies (or at the very least know one or two of them by title alone).  This one was the first.  

Let’s just say they hadn’t worked the bugs out yet.

In fact, I’m not sure that anyone involved knew how to make a movie.  In fact, I’m not sure that anyone involved knew how to have sex.  To say Bat Pussy features the least sexiest sex scenes in motion picture history is an understatement of immense proportions.  

This isn’t a “So Bad It’s Good” movie.  This thing goes beyond mere labels.  It exists as a portal into a time in the early ‘70s when someone filmed two ugly human beings writhing around repeating the same lines of dialogue over and over while failing time and again to complete the most basic of sex acts on a beat-up mattress.  Sometimes, you can hear the director talking.  Sometimes, you can hear him belching.  Sometimes, the off-camera chatter is clumsily edited out, leading to odd, soundless sections of film.  Sometimes, the actors can’t hear what the director is saying, so they look directly at the camera and ask, “HUH?”

Folks, Tonya Harding’s sex tape had better sex choreography than this.

There’s something to Bat Pussy that makes it more than a sum of its parts.  Maybe it’s the Robert Altmanesque overlapping dialogue combined with Ed Wood’s patented one-take philosophy.  Maybe it was the John Waters knack for casting coupled with Tommy Wiseau’s penchant for ass shots.  Whatever it is, you can’t take your eyes off it, even when your eyes are threatening a revolt.

The actors, Buddy and Sam keep repeating the same dialogue over and over.  It’s as if they forgot what line came next, so they keep saying it again and again.  The thing is, the way they accuse each other of their various philandering and sexual inadequacies is almost unnerving.  Since their sexual inadequacies are in plain sight for all to see, it makes you feel as if you’re peering into a window that never should’ve been opened.  

You get a feeling early on that there’s more going on with these two than just the filming of a movie.  Often you feel like you’re getting a glimpse of their martial counseling sessions.  Or maybe a look backstage before they go on Jerry Springer.  When Buddy can’t get it up, the obscenities are hurled left and right, creating drama of the highest order.  I think Tennessee Williams himself would’ve admired it.

I haven’t even gotten around to talking about Bat Pussy herself yet.  She’s played by Dora Dildo.  She hangs around on a couch until her twat begins to twitch.  This is obviously the sign that someone is making a smut movie in her town.  She then takes it upon herself to stop it.

It is here where we are treated to a long scene of putting on her costume.  The costume itself isn’t bad.  I’ve certainly seen worse.  It’s her mode of transportation that will have your jaw hanging agape.  The filmmakers apparently couldn’t afford a Batmobile, so instead, they give her a Hippity Hop to get around on.  I’m not making this up.  If the endless scenes of Buddy and Sam bickering back and forth didn’t make you doubt your sanity, the scenes of Bat Pussy on her Hippity Hop (accompanied by a hilarious “boing-boing” sound effect) will.

It gets better.  Once Bat Pussy finally finds Buddy and Sam, they have a three-way.  Throughout the menage a trois, Buddy keeps calling her “Bat Woman”.  He is corrected several times (by people in front of AND behind the camera), but never seems to be able to keep it straight.

In short, if you have fifty minutes of your life to devote to watching one of the most awesome pieces of celluloid ever discovered, then you should by all means watch Bat Pussy.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON (1954) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 22nd, 2010)

When I was a kid, I saw Creature from the Black Lagoon on TV and it about scared the shit out of me.  I remember vividly the scene where the Creature slowly climbs aboard the ship, and walks towards Julia Adams with his scaly hands stretching outwards.  I can still remember being scared because I thought the Creature was REAL.  I knew Dracula, Frankenstein, and the Wolf Man were all guys in make-up.  The Creature on the other hand, was a fucking Creature.  The tip-off that he couldn’t be a man-in-suit monster was the fact that when he breathed, HIS GILLS MOVED!  That proved right there (well, to a six year old anyway) that he was real.  Watching the flick now as an adult, the movie is still a blast.

 

A scientist discovers a mysterious fossil along the Amazon that may prove to be the missing link between man and fish.  He gets together an expedition to head down an uncharted part of the Amazon known as the Black Lagoon to look for the fossil.  They get more than they bargained for when they find a living breathing Gill Man who has a penchant for murdering men and macking on hot women.

 

First and foremost, the movie’s success is due to the Creature himself.  He’s truly one of the greatest monsters of all time.  And that claw of his is positively badass.  When he slaps that sonofabitch onto your face, you’ve fucking had it.

 

But Jack Arnold’s direction is another major component as to why the movie works so well.  He nicely balances the romance stuff between Richard Carlson and Julia Adams with the Creature attacks, and keeps the flick chugging along at a steady clip.  The underwater sequences are excellent too.  Usually, a movie gets bogged down whenever there are too many scuba diving scenes (like in Thunderball), but here, the underwater stuff is almost as good as the scenes on land. I think my favorite underwater scene was when the Creature swims alongside Adams and admires her figure.

 

And you know, so much has been written about the Creature’s libido that it would seem like overkill for me to even go there.  But I’ll go ahead anyway.  Let me begin by saying whereas Dracula just wanted to neck, The Creature wanted to take you back to his pad.  Plus, he doesn’t care what species you are, he’ll still tap that ass.  I mean he is prehistoric, and it’s been about a million years since he’s gotten some, so he’s probably horny as a motherfucker and willing to fuck anything that smells remotely like fish.

 

What makes the Gill Man’s libido so scary is that he is part man/part fish.  But they don’t tell you what part is the man and what part is the fish.  Or if he has fish parts or man parts.  I mean when King Kong courted Fay Wray, we knew there was no way for them to really consummate their relationship.  With the Creature though, we’re not too sure.  It was the ‘50s so they couldn’t really explore this facet of the character too much but if you’ve ever seen Humanoids from the Deep, you know what these suckers are capable of.

 

Creature from the Black Lagoon was also one of the biggest 3-D hits of its day.  I only wish Universal retained the original 3-D effects for the DVD.  Maybe since 3-D is all the rage yet again, Universal will come out with a 3-D version.  And yes Universal, in case you’re reading this; I WOULD double-dip and buy a 3-D DVD of Creature from the Black Lagoon.  (AND Jaws 3-D while we’re on the subject.)

QUICK THOUGHTS: 

Creature from the Black Lagoon is the crown jewel of Universal’s ‘50s horror cycle.  It also happens to be one of the best films of the ‘50s.  I’m not talking just about the horror genre here.  I mean it’s one of the best movies of the entire decade.  I’ve seen it so many times that I don’t really have much more to add, except that it’s always a pleasure to have another chance to enjoy Julia Adam’s performance, as she is one of the best prototypical Scream Queens of all time. 

4K UHD NOTES:

This was the first black and white movie I’ve seen in 4K, and I was interested in how it would look.  The picture is excellent.  Nearly every frame is razor sharp, and the underwater scenes really pop.  Even the stock footage shots only contain minimal grain.  The Blu-Ray 3D version is also included as a bonus, but I just wish Universal had added a good old-fashioned blue and red anaglyph 3D option, since I don’t have a 3D TV.

I SAW THE TV GLOW (2024) * ½

Owen (Justice Smith) and Maddy (Brigette Lundy-Paine) are two teenage social misfits who bond over their love of a kids show called The Pink Opaque.  When Maddy mysteriously disappears, it leaves the painfully awkward Owen to his own devices.  Years later, she returns and tells him she was actually in the show.  And I don’t mean “on” the show, but IN the show.  Now, she’s heading back and wants Owen to join her.  But… like… she’s got to be crazy… right?

There’s a good jumping off point somewhere in I Saw the TV Glow, but the filmmakers can never manage to follow through on its admittedly solid hook.  Writer/director Jane Schoenbrun gets points for the overall vibe as the nonstop bisexual lighting is cool and some scenes are dripping with atmosphere.  However, the film drags its feet so much that once it finally gets to where it’s going, it was pretty much all for naught, which is extremely frustrating to say the least. 

The problem with slow burn movies like this one is there’s got to be some sort of payoff to justify the sluggish pace.  If there’s going to be some big central mystery, you’ve got to give the audience at least a few breadcrumbs to work with.  You can’t get by with ambiguity for ambiguity’s sake for a hundred minutes and expect us to be with you when the ending doesn’t deliver.  You can’t hang your hat on a few moments of inexplicable weirdness without at least trying to bring it all together down the homestretch. 

The best parts come from the show The Pink Opaque itself.  Schoenbrun did a good job at recreating the look and feel of crappy ‘90s Nickelodeon shows, from the bad acting to the shoddy monsters and the cheesy special effects.  Sadly, the lore of the show is far more believable than the shit that happens in the movie.  Ultimately, I Saw the TV Glow doesn’t burn very bright at all. 

GIGANTIC HEROINE LUCIA: HERMAPHRODITE LESBIAN SURRENDER (2014) ****

After defeating a couple of giant monsters, the gigantic hermaphroditic heroine, Lucia is transported to another dimension by an evil villainess who crucifies and molests her.  While she is chained to the cross, the evil woman tugs and sucks on Lucia’s robo-dick until she achieves multiple forced orgasms.  Eventually, her team comes to the rescue (no pun intended), but it’s only a matter of time before the dastardly extraterrestrial dominatrix sicks her tentacle monster on her.  After attaining several climaxes against her will, Lucia is beamed back aboard the villainess’s ship for some normal-sized molestation. 

For me, these Giga Co. Ltd. flicks are a lot more entering than those Axel Braun XXX Marvel parodies.  The model work is outstanding, and the monster suits are terrific.  I especially liked the twins that looked like a cross between Santa Claus and the monster from It Conquered the World.  There’s also a Godzilla-style giant lizard and a big ass robot with an anvil-shaped head.  The giant robot battles are a lot of fun too, and the Ultraman-style growing scenes are lovingly recreated.  

Also, how many superheroine pornos that you know of have the balls to give us such a downbeat ending?  There’s porno, and then there’s art.  Gigantic Heroine Lucia:  Hermaphrodite Lesbian Surrender is more the latter.  (Okay, maybe it’s not exactly “art”, but it definitely has enough production values and bizarre imagery to put most XXX flicks to shame.)

Even some of the hardcore Ultraman scenes have a kick to them.  I mean, when was the last time you saw an intersex Ultrawoman tied up by a tentacle monster and forced to climax using something that can only be described as an octopus Fleshlight?  Let’s face it, you’re either the kind of freak who wants to see two women in Ultraman inspired costumes scissoring or you aren’t. 

I know what camp I fall into. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CONNORS’ WAR (2006) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

The original Michael Myers, Nick Castle, who also directed The Last Starfighter, was at the helm for this DTV action flick starring rapper Treach from Naughty by Nature.  Treach plays a special agent named Connors who was blinded while rescuing the First Lady from terrorists.  His old boss Brooks (Blu Mankuma) promises to get his sight back using an experimental procedure that gives him acute (but temporary) night vision.  Naturally, he wants him to use his new gift to steal a top-secret nerve gas for him.  Predictably, Connors is double-crossed, and he sets out to stop Brooks from unleashing the gas and taking out the President. 

Treach isn’t bad in the lead.  He has a decent amount of charisma and equips himself well enough in the action scenes.  I also enjoyed the performance by Nia Peebles as the sexy nurse who goes on the run with him.  It’s fun seeing how quickly she equips herself to popping caps in bad guys and intimidating concierges. 

Connors’ War is a thoroughly watchable DTV action flick.  I know that’s not exactly a ringing endorsement, but it’s perfect for a rainy day when there’s nothing better to do.  Despite the night vision eyesight gimmick, it’s fairly routine stuff.  While it’s moderately entertaining, it often feels more like a TV pilot with occasional F-bombs than anything else.  That’s more of an observation than a criticism, as it doesn’t really detract from the fun. 

Castle’s direction is workmanlike for the most part.  I will say the scenes where the doctors inject the serum into Treach’s eyeballs are rather effective and are likely to make you squirm in your seat.  Too bad Castle couldn’t bring that level of suspense to the mundane “man on the run” scenes.  He goes a little overboard with Treach’s night vision POV shots too.  (It just looks like someone accidentally put their contacts in inside out.)  Otherwise, it’s a surprisingly solid way to kill an hour and a half. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: RETURN TO THE BLUE LAGOON (1991) **

FORMAT:  DVD

I distinctly remember the first time I developed the hots for Milla Jovovich.  I was in middle school, and one day, I flipped on HBO, and they had a First Look at the making of Return to the Blue Lagoon.  From the first moment I saw Milla, it was love at first sight.  Ever since then, I have been Team Milla.  Never mind the fact that it took me thirty-three years to finally get around to watching the actual movie. 

Directed by William A. Graham, who’s mostly known for TV movies like Guyana Tragedy and Get Christie Love and boasting a screenplay by Leslie Stevens, the creator of The Outer Limits (!), this belated sequel picks up immediately after the events of the first film with Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins’ boat being found by another ship.  Oh, they’re dead.  Whoops!  Their baby is still alive though, and the widow (Lisa Pelikan) on board quickly adopts it.  But wouldn’t you know it?  Cholera is spreading through the boat, and the widow, the baby, and her child skedaddle.  As fate would have it, they wind up right back where the first movie took place, the two-story bamboo hut rancher still intact. 

So, this time, instead of having a crusty sailor to teach the younglings how to survive, it’s a prim and proper schoolteacher who gives them spelling lessons and has awkward conversations about the birds and bees.  Naturally, she kicks off, and the two kids grow up to be horny teens, played by Jovovich and Sleepwalkers’ Brian Krause.  Before long, Milla gets her first period, he gets his first boner, and they do it. 

So far, so good.  Brooke Shields’ loincloth casts a long shadow, but Milla fills it admirably.  (And has a couple of brief nude scenes.)  Krause is pretty good too, all things considered.  Unfortunately, the lovey-dovey stuff is rushed through for a gratuitous subplot about a crew coming aboard the island and ruining the couple’s bliss.

The longwinded set-up also means Milla doesn’t show up till about the forty-five minute mark.  Because of that, there’s only a small window of time when she’s able to do some blue lagooning (if you know what I mean).  Oh well, at least the cinematography is excellent. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE BLUE LAGOON (1980) *

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on January 22nd, 2011)

Two brats wind up shipwrecked on a desert island with some old codger who teaches them how to fish and stuff.  After he dies, the kids grow up to be Christopher Atkins and Brooke Shields.  One day, puberty kicks in and Chris wonders why he’s getting “weird hairs down there”.  After choking the chicken a couple of times, he finally figures out where to stick that sumbitch.

 

Okay, let’s just get this out in the open:  The only reason anyone would ever watch this movie is to see Brooke Shields’ boobs.  Since the role of Brooke’s breasts were played by stunt tits and we only get to see fleeting glimpses of them, it’s pretty much all for naught.  It also doesn’t help that the first hour or so of the movie leading up to her disrobing plays like the shittiest Hallmark Hall of Fame Movie you ever saw.  I nodded off like a motherfucker during this part of the movie, but sadly, the parts where Brooke gets naked are just as boring.

 

The Blue Lagoon doesn’t even work as camp.  The romance aspect of the movie is awful, but not in a laughable way.  The acting is terrible too as Atkins and Shields both act like goddamned mannequins.  The only slightly amusing part in all of this comes when Atkins builds their overly elaborate and highly implausible shelter.  It looks like Bob Vila came over for an episode of This Old Grass Hut.  I mean how many grass huts do you know of have patios made of bamboo?

THE SUBSTANCE (2024) ****

Ladies and gentlemen, there is a new sheriff in town.  Her name is Coralie Fargeat.  You might remember she made that solid revenge flick a few years ago, aptly titled Revenge.  I dug that movie sure enough, but nothing could’ve prepared me for her latest film, The Substance.  It is a modern classic that is destined to be critiqued, analyzed, and examined for years to come.  It is quite simply the ultimate horror film of the 21st century. 

The story is an old hat.  Elisabeth Sparkle (Demi Moore) is an aging celebrity fitness personality desperate to be young again.  She hears about a new wonder drug called “The Substance” and tries it.  Very quickly she learns about the side effects.

That set-up will no doubt seem familiar to anyone who’s seen The Wasp Woman or The Leech Woman.  Fargeat also borrows from a rather surprising array of sources, both highbrow and low.  What makes it work so gloriously well is that she wears her inspirations on her sleeve with pride.  There are moments here that look like Kubrick on ecstasy.  Others resemble Lynch on steroids.  The most accurate comparison I can make though is this:  Imagine if David Cronenberg directed the Barbie movie and that will give you an idea of what we have here. 

I don’t want to spoil the best parts of the movie, so I’ll keep the review as brief and vague as I can.  However, I will say that Fargeat crams a lot of messaging into the movie and says it all in bold and italics.  The reason it works is because she starts the film at 10 and continues to crank it up as the story progresses.  I mean, having a lecherous Hollywood type named “Harvey” is probably one of the most subtle aspects of the film. 

Sometimes, you need to beat the message into the audience.  When you see Elisabeth continuing to use The Substance, even though she knows it will destroy her, you can drop in miracle diets, weight loss cures, plastic surgery, etc. as the metaphor, and it works.  Look at the people who can’t stop having plastic surgeries but are so far gone they can’t seem to stop.  Look at the people jabbing themselves to stay thin.  Her deadly desire for The Substance doesn’t seem farfetched. 

The opening sequence is one of the best scenes you’ll see in this millennium, and perfectly sets the tone.  Once the movie goes into full-on body horror mode, it doesn’t look back.  The finale contains one of the most amazingly sustained scenes of concentrated cinematic insanity I’ve ever seen.  During this scene, I thought of Society, Basket Case, Carrie, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, The Elephant Man, and Leviathan.  During this scene, you may find yourself disgusted.  You may laugh.  You may recoil in horror.  All are acceptable responses. 

The performances are stellar. Moore is a revelation.  She has never been better.  She brings so much pain to the role.  It’s a brave performance.  One of the all-time greats.  Margaret Qualley naturally is her match as Sue, the entitled, sexy, younger version of Elisabeth.  She radiates sexuality but keeps her unfathomable rage bubbling just under the surface.  (Oh, and speaking as a connoisseur of celebrity workout videos, I would totally buy the full season's worth of her “Pump it Up” exercise program.)  Then there’s Dennis Quaid as Harvey.  He’s a force of nature.  He almost resembles a Looney Tunes version of Vince McMahon. 

This is the kind of movie I love.  It’s equal parts arthouse and grindhouse.  Even though it’s drawing inspiration from several sources, it still feels totally fresh.  It also contains the best use of a chicken leg since Killer Joe.  It’s already won awards at the Cannes Film Festival and yet, something tells me it could win a Fangoria Chainsaw Award just as easily. It’s that kind of picture.  The best one of the year.  Possibly, ever.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY (1981) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

This is one of Lucio Fulci’s most atmospheric films. It doesn’t have his trademark balls-out gory set pieces and moves at a deliberate pace, but stay with it, because it has an electrifying final reel.

A family moves into the titular house that was once owned by the wonderfully named Dr. Freudstein. Little do they know that Freudstein is a maggot faced zombie who is dwelling in their basement and needs to kill people to stay alive. The ghost of Freudstein’s daughter befriends the little towheaded Bob (A Blade in the Dark’s Giovanni Frezza) and tries to warn him that her daddy is a nutjob. Bob tries to tell his parents about Freudstein, but since Bob is whiny and badly dubbed, nobody listens.

There’s a knife through the mouth, a bat attack, a sword in the neck, a decapitation, and some throat ripping for the gorehounds; and some brief nudity for the pervs. Co-starring Catriona (The Gates of Hell) MacColl and Dagmar (Werewolf Woman) Lassander.

Memo to prospective homeowners: If the house you are looking at has the tombstone of its former tenant in the middle of the hallway, DON’T BUY THE FUCKING HOUSE!

QUICK THOUGHTS:

The House by the Cemetery remains a solid second tier Lucio Fulci flick.  Like The Gates of Hell, it suffers from some lulls in between the good stuff, but when Fulci cooks, he whips up a smorgasbord.  But the thing that makes the film so memorable is BOB!  Try to keep track of how many times someone says “Bob”.  Warning:  Don’t make a drinking game of it.  I can’t have your death from alcohol poisoning on my conscience. 

4K UHD NOTES:

It’s important to mention that Blue Underground’s edition is mastered in Dolby Vision.  My 4K player and TV can only support HDR+, and it still looked phenomenal to me.  The blacks (especially in the basement scenes) are spectacular, and the picture looks sharp throughout.  It looks particularly great whenever the camera is in motion, as it often feels like you’re in the thick of the action.  Oh, and you get BOB in 4K!   What more can you ask for?

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TORTURED FEMALES (1965) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Tortured Females begins with a long title scene that goes on and on about the white slave racket and how more girls should heed the lesson of Little Red Riding Hood!  We then follow the story of Helen (Denine Dubois), a young woman who narrowly escaped the clutches of white slavery, who recounts her story to a sheriff.  Seems she went to visit her aunt in the country when she ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere.  She was then picked up by a creep who raped her and took her back to “the ranch house” where white slavers were about to turn over a shipment of girls to “Mr. Big”.  As you probably already guessed, they try to add poor Helen to the inventory. 

You know you’re in for something special from the moment you see the great hand drawn title card.  Like The Beast of Yucca Flats, it’s all narration and no synch sound.  What dialogue we do get is poorly dubbed.  I love bargain bin shit like this.

Not that you need things like “titles”, “sound”, or “a budget” when most of the movie consists of long scenes of women getting undressed, showering, and getting dressed again.  There’s also some skinny-dipping in a creek, nude girls chained to the wall, random stripteases, and women being whipped.  That’s not to mention the odd scene where Dubois (who is quite good, all things considered, as she has the uncanny ability to get naked at the drop of a hat) dances with an oversized stuffed animal.  (She even kisses it goodbye!)

The best part though is the hunchback who acts as the girls’ “keeper”.  Not only does he look like something out of a Frankenstein movie; his voice was dubbed by a monkey!  Folks, I’ve seen some weird shit in my time, and this is the kind of weird shit I like to see. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MR. MARI’S GIRLS (1967) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Mr. Mari is a suave bastard who sits in his swanky New York apartment and preys upon girls in trouble.  Have a gambling debt?  Mr. Mari will erase it.  Are you a junkie in need of a fix?  Mr. Mari has the horse you need.  Need some quick dough for a back-alley abortion?  Call on Mr. Mari!  Do you need a priest so you can marry your lesbian lover?  Mr. Mari’s your man!

This paste-up low budget sexploitation flick is comprised of a series of loosely related vignettes.  Even though the segments are wildly different, things often feel repetitive due to the structure.  It features lots of echo-y narration, dream scenes, and flashbacks inside of flashbacks.  None of this really ever comes together to make a cohesive whole (the segment about a girl trying to escape the clutches of some low rent hoods feels like it came out of an entirely different movie), but fortunately, since the running time is only an hour long, it zips by at a reasonable rate. 

There's a decent amount of skin here too, which I guess is all that really matters.  There’s sex, nude photo shoots, showers, junkie chicks stripping, gratuitous disrobing scenes, nude painting, and naked telephone conversations.  Best of all is the clothes-ripping battle royale cat fight amongst all the girls Mr. Mari has “helped” that serves as our climax.  Overall, there’s just about enough naughty bits to keep you interested, but not quite enough to make it a winner. 

There was no cast listing for this one, but I did recognize Doris Wishman regular Sam Stewart as a sketchy bookie.  Sadly, I’m not sure who the actress was that played the pregnant teen.  All I know is that she had one of the biggest butts I’ve ever seen in a ‘60s sexploitation movie.  So, if you’re a tush man, feel free to add an extra Half-Star to the rating. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TWO GIRLS FOR A MADMAN (1968) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Toni (Arlene Farber from Teenage Mother) and Sonya (Jean Weston) are friends who dance together in a ballet company in New York.  Toni catches the eye of Frank (Lucky Kargo), a cackling psycho sex fiend at a swingers’ party.  He then follows her and her date to their car where he rapes her at gunpoint.  Eventually, Frank begins stalking both girls and before long, he attacks Sonya while she’s practicing her ballet. 

Two Girls for a Madman is a surprisingly effective roughie that is hallmarked by some cool music and professional looking camerawork.  It looks like one of those rare instances where the director (in this case, Stanely H. Brassloff) and everyone else involved set out to make a “real” movie under the guise of a sex flick.  Sure, you get your share of skin, but there’s some (not much granted) interesting stuff going on here.  The ending feels like something you’d see out of Antonioni.  While there is a decent story being told and a considerable amount of craftsmanship on display, there are still plenty of pauses during the drama that are tailor made for some gratuitous T & A (like the locker room scenes at the ballet school). 

The characters and performances are also much better than you might expect.  The leading ladies’ roles are a lot more fleshed out than was the norm for a ‘60s roughie.  Farber is quite good as the sexed up-ballerina (more movies should contain those) and Weston (who only appeared in two films) fares well as the more conservative of the pair.  Kargo is also memorable as the wild-eyed psychopath and is appropriately menacing during the lengthy car ride sequence.  The dialogue is often priceless too.  My favorite line came courtesy of the girls’ strict ballet instructor who says Toni is a “technically hideous” dancer. 

Brassloff later went on to direct Toys are Not for Children.

THE DEADLY ORGAN (1967) ***

The first thing you should know right off the bat is that the organ the title refers to is that of the musical instrument variety.  So, if you thought this was going to be about a giant killer schlong or something, you can forget about it. 

A guy in a creepy mask controls women by doping them up with heroin then using eerie music to make them do his bidding.  When people start turning up dead with giant hypodermic needles plunged into their chests, a suave detective is called in to investigate.  The killer then narrows down the suspect list when he starts bumping off the people the detective has questioned. 

It’s not every day you get to see an Argentinian sexploitation horror flick, and as far as these things go, The Deadly Organ is a good one.  The killer’s mask looks cool, and the music is great too as it features lots of go-go and surf rock stuff.  The film is very atmospheric as well as some scenes resemble film noir, others look like something out of a Universal horror movie (especially Phantom of the Opera), while whole stretches are seemingly inspired by German expressionism.  There’s also a surprising amount of skin, even if most of it comes in the form of fleeting glimpses.  (The sexy striptease scene is particularly steamy.)

The downside to all this is the second act definitely lacks the punch of the first.  Once the detective shows up, the whole movie downshifts.  There are also way too many side characters that act as red herrings.  At least they eventually get killed off, which adds to the overall body count.  Luckily, once the killer reappears in the last twenty minutes, the film starts cooking again.  Sure, it’s not perfect, but whenever the killer is front and center and stabbing people with hypodermic needles, The Deadly Organ is perfectly in tune. 

AKA:  Feast of Flesh.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: A NIGHT IN HOLLYWOOD (1953) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

One of the premiere striptease artists of the era, Tempest Storm (who has two great nicknames:  “The 4D Girl” and “The Girl with the Fabulous Front") toplines this otherwise lukewarm Burlesque film. 

The first act is an unfunny comedy calypso song.  Sexy blonde Mae (The A-B-C’s of Love) Blondell does a saucy little striptease before a comedy duo shows us the art of picking up women.  Blonde bombshell Misty Ayers really knows how to shake her caboose during her striptease.  The next sketch involves a newlywed couple getting advice on their wedding night.  Brunette Rhea Walker takes the stage afterwards and does an okay, but unmemorable strip routine.  Then it’s a sketch about a drunk lecturing a guy on the street about the evils of whisky.  Afterwards, “The Texas Sweetheart” does a striptease, a comedienne performs a comic rhumba number, and a sketch about a trio of drunks coming home to their respective wives.  Things switch over from black and white to color in the final reel as the headliner Tempest Storm takes center stage.  And boy, let me tell you!  It was certainly worth the wait! 

Storm’s number gives the film a definite boost.  She has all her assets on display and shows why she was among the best in the world.  The addition of color for her routine is a nice touch too. 

While this isn’t one of the best Burlesque movies I’ve watched this week, I am glad that someone had the foresight to grab a camera to capture the art form just as it was dying out (especially Storm’s number in full color).  Sure, I realize the filmmakers were just trying to make a buck and weren’t exactly cultural historians.  At least these acts have been preserved for the next generation of appreciators of old-timey smut like me. 

Jean Carroll, who plays one of the comediennes, was also in Ron Ormond’s Burlesque movie, Varieties on Parade. 

BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE (2024) ***

It took them thirty-six years to come up with a sequel to Beetlejuice.  After decades of false starts, Tim Burton, Michael Keaton, and the gang have finally reunited (along with producer Brad Pitt!) with decidedly uneven (but mostly enjoyable) results. 

After the death of her father, Lydia (Winona Ryder) returns home for the funeral with her daughter Astrid (Jenna Ortega) and boyfriend Rory (Justin Theroux) in tow.  Meanwhile, Beetlejuice (Keaton) is busy ducking his evil ex-wife (Monica Bellucci) who wants to suck his soul.  When Astrid gets stuck in the afterlife, Lydia grudgingly turns to Beetlejuice for help. 

Burton’s M.O. for this movie seems to have been “Turn on the juice and see what shakes loose”.  There are way too many characters, subplots (there’s enough plot here for three movies), and random asides.  It also suffers from some abrupt changes in tone (especially the stuff with Astrid’s boyfriend).  Then again, the original wasn’t exactly a model of coherence. 

The film is at its weakest when it’s making callbacks to the original.  (The “Day-O” inspired scene featuring “MacArthur Park” comes to mind.)  However, the random bits of sheer lunacy have Tim Burton’s fingerprints all over them.  I mean, how many thirty-six years later sequels have a scene inspired by Mario Bava (in Italian no less!), a stop-motion cartoon, and a tribute to It’s Alive?  Because of that, it’s kind of hard to be too picky.

Keaton easily slips back into the iconic role and sure enough, the striped suit still fits him like a glove.  Ortega is fine, and Ryder is pretty good too, but it’s Justin Theroux who steals the movie as her New Agey boyfriend.  Willem Dafoe gets some laughs too as an afterlife cop.  Bellucci looks amazing as Beetlejuice’s stapled together bride, but unfortunately there are long stretches of the movie where the plot kind of forgets about her.  

The funniest running gag though has got to be the extreme lengths they go through to include Jeffery Jones’ character from the original without actually including him. 

SPEAK NO EVIL (2024) ****

Speak No Evil is a horror film of manners.  It’s rare that a movie works on this sort of level.  We are not dealing with a killer in a hockey mask.  This isn’t about a monster on the loose.  It’s about people who don’t pick up on social cues.  It’s about people who are borderline obnoxious, but they are still kind of funny and just fun enough to be around.  So much so that when they invite you to stay at their beautiful home in the country, you agree.  You hesitate at first, but you know, that house looks pretty cool.  And once you get there, it’s fun for a day or so.  You try to ignore their occasional crude comments or awkward conversations because, hey, you know… they make great homemade cider.  When things start getting uncomfortable, you try to be nice and grin and bear it.  Force a smile or two.  You want to go, but there’s this great restaurant they want to take you to.  So, out of obligation, you go, and the dinner is freaking great.  Still, they still act a little odd.  Maybe we can leave first thing in the morning, then?

Have you ever tried to make an exit from a party, but your host keeps the conversation going far past its expiration date?  Even after you’ve said “that’s crazy” four times, he keeps you there locked in conversation.  Manners dictate you should oblige him and keep talking, even when your gut instinct is to run, civility reigns and you acquiesce. 

That’s how the tension mounts in Speak No Evil.  It shows us that the line between a perfect host and a perfect nightmare is very thin. 

Speak No Evil is kind of like those ‘90s “From Hell” thrillers like Single White Female.  If that was about the Roommate from Hell, this is the Weekend Hosts from Hell. 

I mean we’ve all been guests for the weekend at someone’s house.  We’ve also entertained guests in our home too.  What’s so deft about the film is that it would’ve been so easy to make the crazy family the guests.  Then, it would’ve just been a tweak on the home invasion genre.  The clever twist here is that the loonies are the hosts.  There are several instances where our poor family could pack up and run, but… Honey, that would be rude!  They just cooked a nice meal.  Babe, you can’t complain the sheets are stained with a mystery substance because that would make them feel bad. 

I’m not trying to spoil the plot specifics of the film.  I’m just trying to evoke the feeling of watching it.  It really kicks into gear when the nice family realizes their hosts are crazy and try to make an exit WHILE STILL BEING POLITE AND CIVIL.  It’s like a horror movie version of an Irish Goodbye.  And when that mask of civility breaks… oh, boy… all bets are off. 

Scoot McNairy and Mackenzie Davis are great as the nice couple, but it’s James McAvoy who takes the acting honors as the demented host.  He has moments here that will remind you of Jack Nicholson in The Shining.  Yes, I said it.  He’s that freaking good.  He sets the kettle to boil early on and we the whistle blows… look out. 

There are also some brilliant needle drops in this.  You’ll never listen to “Cotton Eye Joe” the same way again.   Or The Bangles’ “Eternal Flame”. 

I didn’t realize director James Watkins was also responsible for Eden Lake.  That totally jibes.  This guy knows how to get under your skin.  And then some. 

In short, you’re gonna be talking about Speak No Evil for years to come. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE A-B-C’S OF LOVE (1953) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Things kick off with a song introducing the dancing girls by assigning each of them a letter of the alphabet.  The first strip solo is by an energetic jiggly blonde.  Some lucky projectionist must’ve taken scissors to the reel and added it to his personal collection since a good chunk of the number is missing.  After that is a comedy skit about a businesswoman trying to get rid of pushy salesmen.  Then Bebe, a bubbly brunette, does a lively striptease number.  That leads into a comedy song about a maid, and a sketch about a drunk trying to sell some hats.  Then, a blonde named Jill does a tapdancing routine and a duo does a bit about a bet gone awry.  That’s followed by a comedy dance routine of a woman impersonating a flapper and a sketch about an arguing married couple.  Next is a striptease performed by the wonderfully named “Blaza Glory”.  After that we get a comedy routine about how to kill your wife with kindness and a brief can-can number.  Finally, the headliner Gilda performs a briskly paced striptease. 

After sitting through a bunch of Burlesque movies this week, I have to say that this one is frankly kind of ho-hum.  The comedy sketches in between the strip routines are longwinded and get pretty tiresome after a while, and the non-strip scenes don’t really add much to the overall experience.  At least the strippers have a lot of energy.  Bebe is really animated and takes to her routine with gusto.  Blaza Glory is aptly named as she is quite hot and is gloriously jiggly.  Despite an occasional bright spot here and there, there’s ultimately too much filler that gets in the way of the good stuff.  

The A-B-C’s of Love is at least notable for having former Little Rascals star Shirley Jean Rickert (using her stage name “Gilda”) appearing at the end.  Fortunately for the audience, she really knows how to shake her Little Rascals.  Ultimately, that’s not quite enough to make it all worthwhile. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: “B” GIRL RHAPSODY (1952) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

The opening title card (which misspells “comedians” as “commedians”) invites us to the front row of the New Follies Theatre in Los Angeles for a Burlesque show.  The chorus girls (affectionately known as “The Nudy Cuties”) come out on stage in bathing suits armed with beach balls and do a synchronized dance routine that resembles a Busby Berkeley version of a low budget beach movie.  Then we get a sketch about two yutzes trying to join a nudist camp.  Next up, a dancer named Frenchy does a suggestive jitterbug routine, followed by a blonde bombshell named Nona who strips out of some elegant formal wear, and a sketch about a guy telling the story of how his parents met.  (The print gets awfully jumpy during this scene.)  “The South American Cyclone” Chilli Pepper follows that up with a Carmen Miranda inspired striptease.  Afterwards is a comedy routine about a cowboy trick shot artist.  Ginger, “The Atomic Blonde” takes the stage next and performs a sultry routine that begins with her wearing a spangly black dress until she gets down to a pair of bejeweled pasties.  That’s followed by a chorus line routine accompanied by a songstress doing a so-so number.  Then, blonde Crystal Starr (who was also in French Follies) does a nice little strip where she starts slow and steady and gradually incorporates more grinding and jiggling as she goes on.  Next is a sketch about Russian soldiers taking over a home during wartime.  Finally, the star of the show, Lily performs “The Dance of the B Girl”. 

Directed by Lillian (Everybody’s Girl) Hunt and shot by Ed Wood’s regular cinematographer William C. Thompson, “B” Girl Rhapsody is a better than average Burlesque flick.  The dance numbers are unique, and the stripteases have a lot of energy.  Chilli Pepper’s dance is appropriately spicy.  Once she takes off her bananas, she shows that she can really shake her melons.  Ginger’s routine is quite lively too as she shakes everything her mother gave her and then some.  Lily’s number is a real doozie as well.  She bumps and grinds all over a saloon set as she smokes and drinks and writhes around on top of a piano.  She may be a “B” Girl, but I give her act an “A”. 

The comedy sequences are surprisingly solid and feature some mildly risqué material, although it is strictly PG-13 stuff by today’s standards.  (The Russian solider is named “Sonavitch”.)  All in all, this is one of the best Burlesque films I’ve ever seen. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: FRENCH FOLLIES (1951) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

This surprisingly fun Burlesque act movie begins with a musical number that introduces all the ladies in the cast.  Mary Andes from Everybody’s Girl then takes the stage doing a Spanish inspired striptease with castanets.  Then, there’s a comedy bit about a doctor whose latest invention transfers his patients’ ailments to a “dummy”.  After that, we are treated to a striptease by the curvy Jennie Lee, followed by a sketch about two guys who take two hot girls out for dinner and can’t pay the check.  Then, a cute blonde does a hip-shaking strip number followed by more comedy, this one about a guy trying to make time with his girlfriend under her grandpa’s nose.  Next, a brunette does a short strip number before another comedy bit about a doctor running a nuthouse. Afterwards, there’s a song called “Pucker Up” featuring the ladies in the cast coming onstage and looking on as a brunette performs a striptease.  Then there’s a comedy sketch about a drunk that buys whisky from a pretty blonde.  Finally, the headliner, Val de Val (who has a great nickname, “The H-Bomb of Burlesque”) closes the show. 

I don’t know if Val de Val really lives up to her nickname, but she's sure fun to watch.  Her performance starts slow, and eventually builds with her jiggling and wiggling.  For me, Jennie Lee was the real star of the show.  She does a great tassel twirling routine and ends her act with a lot of cartwheels.  The print unfortunately gets very jumpy near the end of her performance, which can mean one of two things:  Some lucky protectionist made a couple of snips for his own collection, or the censors had to cut some bits since her pubic hair is visibly creeping up above her undies as her act goes on.  Either way, the footage that remains in the flick is hot enough to keep your pulse racing. 

Another plus is that the comedy sketches don’t wear out their welcome as is usually the case with these sorts of things.  I can’t say they were laugh-out-loud funny or anything, but at least they had a beginning, middle, and end.  It all adds up to a briskly paced and entertaining Burlesque revue film. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EVERYBODY’S GIRL (1950) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Here’s another filmed burlesque movie from director Lillian (Too Hot to Handle) Hunt.  Things kick off with the chorus girls performing a high energy matador inspired number.  The first featured dancer performs a striptease dressed as a harem girl.  Then, we get a comedy skit about a guy who sees invisible people before a cute blonde (who really knows how to move her hips) takes the stage for a striptease in a sheer white number.  That’s followed by another chorus line number, a brunette acrobatic routine, and a sexy blonde in a black sequin get-up.  The next comedy skit is about a social reformer trying to discourage men from checking out a nudist camp.  Then, “The Blonde Bombshell” Charmaine bares her bosom for a saucy little dance.  That’s followed by a gal in a harem girl outfit performing a dance routine (with a brief belly dancing interlude) and a slinky brunette doing a striptease out of a classy evening gown.  Next up is a comedy skit about a teacher dealing with a class clown.  Afterwards, “The Sex Atomic Sweetheart” Sylvia does a high energy strip number.  Another comedy sketch about ethnic girls selling dishes from their homeland follows.  The headliner, Gay Dawn closes the show with a routine that starts off balletic and classy and ends with her standing on her head and shaking her ass upside down.  I don’t know about you, but I consider that a solid way to end the movie. 

Everybody’s Girl is a shade or two better than your average filmed Burlesque flick.  It also shows a little bit more skin than some of the other Burlesque revue movies I’ve been watching lately.  Although quite honestly, it’s all harmless and tame and wouldn’t rate higher than an R (or maybe a generous PG-13).  Heck, even the comedy sequences aren’t too shabby in this one, which makes the whole thing go down smoother.  The invisible sketch is moderately clever (even if it goes on too long) and the nudist segment has a couple of amusing bits. 

AKA:  Hollywood Peep Show.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MIDNIGHT FROLICS (1949) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Before the film begins, we get a title card assuring us that this is producer Dan Sonney’s attempt to recreate “the bygone era” of Burlesque.  The art form was already prehistoric at the time of release, but there are a few moments sprinkled throughout that prove there were still some fleeting signs of life in the old gal. 

First up is a trio of ladies who perform a Spanish themed song called “Maracas from Caracas”.  Then, a brunette does an energetic striptease before some comedians put on an unfunny sketch about a dimwitted ice cream salesman.  That’s followed by a gymnastics act where the performer does a lot of cartwheels, backflips, and contortionist maneuvers.  Then, the sexy Aleene does a hot number slowly stripping out of her slinky black evening gown.  More lame comedy follows with a skit about a cop harassing a couple of street musicians.  Next is a musical number, the chorus line doing some fan dancing, and a ballroom dancing duo.  Then (sigh) some more comedy with a guy with a Chico Marx accent trying to teach his pal how to play the violin.  Things perk up once again though when a bubbly blonde named Ginger does a high energy striptease.  She does this great bit where she stands on her head and shakes her ass.  Then, the chorus line returns to perform a gypsy inspired routine.  Finally, the headliner Sunny Knight performs a classy striptease number. 

While there are some real dull spots here (I’m speaking directly about the comedy bits), Midnight Frolics is a sporadically entertaining hodgepodge.  In fact, it’s worth sitting through the lame sequences just to see Aleene.  She’s quite memorable with her gothy appearance and devilish demeanor.  I know this was made seventy-five years ago, but if I was alive back then, and OnlyFans was a thing, I would definitely be one of her subscribers.  Heck, if Aleene had an OnlyFans now, I’d probably be a member! 

AKA:  Midnite Follies.

GIGANTIC HEROINE: ASTRO VENUS (2016) **

After watching Giant Hermaphrodite Heroine:  Planet Woman, I was curious to check out another Sci-Fi Tokusatsu porno from Giga Co. Ltd.  Unfortunately, Gigantic Heroine:  Astro Venus isn’t nearly as crazy, interesting, fun, or sexy as that classic. 

After a lady cop is killed in the line of duty, a light comes down from the skies and resurrects her.    When monsters attack the city, a giant super heroine tries to fend them off.  Meanwhile, her boss tries to force himself on her and after he gets his rocks off, there’s another monster attack.  Astro Venus successfully prevents the giant lizard from destroying the city but is powerless when a giant astro man wants to bang her in the middle of the city.  (At least I think that’s what happened.  The version I saw didn’t have subtitles.)

As with Giant Hermaphrodite Heroine:  Planet Woman, the monster battles are surprisingly well done.  The model cities are excellent and if you didn’t know any better, you’d assume the rubber monster suits came out of a legit Ultraman show.  Because of that, the monster mashing is easily the best thing in the movie as the XXX sequences are of surprisingly low quality. 

The fetishes this time around seem to involve electrocuting an Ultraman style heroine and being sexually assaulted by your boss.  Sadly, the scene where the heroine’s superior forces himself on her goes on far too long (it pretty much takes up the entire second act) and isn’t very erotic to boot.  The big finale where the two giant superheroes bone starts off promising, but it winds up being anticlimactic (in more ways than one) as the film just sort of ends mid-scene, which is a big disappointment. 

Despite this one being a dud, it probably won’t stop me from checking out more Giga Co. Ltd. movies somewhere down the road.  I just hope the next one features more pseudo-Ultraman boning. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HELP WANTED FEMALE (1968) *** ½

Directed by the great John (Grave of the Vampire) Hayes, Help Wanted Female is one of the nuttiest sexploitation films I’ve seen in years.  In the fun opening sequence, a seemingly milquetoast woman picks up a guy and balls him.  When he catches her trying to pinch his wallet, she karate chops the crap out of him and steals his briefcase. 

Another hooker goes on a date with a high roller client who takes LSD.  (“You won’t go ape on me, will you daddy?”)  He then tells her a flashback how his old girlfriend, desperate for kicks, asked him to cut her.  They then decide to up the ante by picking up a young hitchhiker who they invite back to their pad.  There, they have her pose for nude photos before stabbing her to death. 

To tell anymore would be doing the potential viewer a disservice.  Suffice to say, you won’t know where this crazy ass flick is going next.  Sure, the narrative is a little on the messy side, but that kind of works in the movie’s favor since you’re never quite sure what it has up its sleeve next.  The last twenty minutes are a fever dream of WTF zaniness.  Plus, some of the musical choices are about as unhinged as the characters’ actions. 

Not only is the cast stacked with immensely appealing ladies, they also have some considerable screen presence.  You may be as busy paying attention to them as you are to the increasingly ludicrous plot.  Sexy Dianne Michaels takes the acting honors as the kick-happy Barbara whose amoral antics are fun to watch.  Inga Olsen is also engaging as the go-go dancing Luana.  Joy Khal also makes a memorable impression as the ill-fated hitchhiker.  It’s Lucki Winn who will endear herself to you most as the karate-chopping sexpot Jo Jo.  Despite the title, these females don’t NEED any help! 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: AROUSED (1966) ****

FORMAT:  DVD

Aroused is an outstanding sexploitation roughie that plays like a precursor to the giallo and slasher genres.  There’s a “sex killer” on the loose that gets his kicks from murdering prostitutes.  When a hooker named Ginny (Janine Lenon) finds her lover has been killed by the creep, she vows to castrate him.  Johnny (Steve Hollister) is a determined cop on the case and together, he makes an uneasy alliance with Ginny to bring down the killer. 

Seedy and atmospheric, this one packs a real wallop.  The opening scene is particularly effective as the killer sneaks up on his victim in the shower before strangling her.  The constant freeze frames accompanied by the sounds of his various childhood traumas on the soundtrack is downright hair raising. 

Aroused isn’t your typical sexploitation flick.  There’s a surprising amount of artistry here that few genre films can muster.  The camerawork is efficient, and often maximizes the frame and fills it in interesting and compelling ways.  The jazzy score is freaking amazing too, and coupled with the extremely moody lighting, adds to the overall sense of atmosphere.

The film is packed with several memorable scenes, like when our heroine stumbles into the killer’s abode and finds a bunch of decapitated mannequin heads strewn about.  (I wonder if Bill Lustig watched this before he made Maniac.)  There’s even a suspenseful cat and mouse scene in an elevator that would put some big budget Hollywood thrillers to shame.  The ending is unforgettable too. 

Incredibly enough, this was leading lady Lenon’s only role.  She’s excellent in this and it’s a shame she didn’t appear in more films.  Director Anton Holden only made a handful of movies (including Teenage Tramp) before working in the sound department on several prestigious TV movies like The Tuskegee Airmen and Buffalo Girls.  Exploitation’s loss is TV’s gain, I guess. 

In short, Aroused is a certified classic ripe for discovery.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: RENT-A-GIRL (1965) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Rent-a-Girl kicks off with a great opening credits sequence and an even better theme song.  (You’re guaranteed to have it stuck in your head days after you watch it.)  The beginning is almost set up like an old scare picture from the ‘30s, as a frightened Karen (Barbara Wood) recounts her sordid past to an authority figure.  We then flashback to learn how she got into this whole mess.  Seems she moved into an apartment and tried to fit in with the swinging “art” scene of her neighbors.  It doesn’t take long before she begins posing nude for them.  Turns out, the couple are really pimps whose girls specialize in “maid services” and being nude models for seedy artists and sleazy photographers.  Naturally, when Karen’s fiancé finds out she’s been posing for smutty pictures, he calls off the wedding.  Karen quickly spirals from there and eventually, her neighbors trick her into joining their secret BDSM society. 

This wild and fun New York roughie (from Cambist Films, who would later go legitimate by releasing such favorites as Vampyres and The Crazies) features a little something for everybody.  There’s whipping, body painting, hosing, and spanking.  The highlight is the wonderful party scene that culminates with a game of “strip pool”.  It’s also full of cool camerawork, interesting lighting, and some great music.  

Sure, a few of the actresses are less than photogenic.  (Although softcore beauties like Gigi Darlene and Darlene Bennett make brief appearances.)  However, their willingness to disrobe more than makes up for it.  Some of the acting is bad too (actors flub their lines and/or are obviously reading from cue cards), but hey, with this much smut to go around, I’m sure you won’t even notice and/or care. 

Director William L. Rose went on to direct The Girl in Room 2A and the legendary (and sadly, lost) exploitation flick, The Smut Peddler. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TOO HOT TO HANDLE (1950) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Too Hot to Handle is essentially an hour-long filmed burlesque act.  Things kick off with a lounge singer performing the title song while he’s surrounded by dancing blondes.  Then, a Latina does a Spanish style striptease followed by a comedian who does the old “7 x 13 = 28” routine that Abbott and Costello used to do.  That’s followed by a bubbly blonde named Melodee Lane stripping and another so-so comedy sequence.  Next, a woman performs a song called “Hot Nuts” before doing a striptease.  Afterwards, we get another unfunny comic act followed by another striptease by the energetic Melodee, this time on a producer’s casting couch.  Things continue with more (sigh) comedy acts before the showstopping PatIy Waggin performs a long “Parisian” number. 

All this works better as a filmed historical record of a bygone era of entertainment than… actual entertainment.  I don’t even think the film lived up to its title back in the ‘50s as it offers more tease than please.  Even as far as burlesque movies go, this one doesn’t quite cut the mustard.  The stripping scenes are about par for the course (although Melodee Lane is rather fun to watch), but many of the comedy routines (other than the math segment) aren’t funny and go on too long.  Still, the mercifully brief hour-long running time is appreciated. 

While neither A Virgin in Hollywood nor Too Hot to Handle are classics by any means, Something Weird’s “Best of Burlesque” two-disc set is still well worth owning.  Any fan of old school smut will enjoy this head-spinning collection featuring hours of old striptease reels (some of which are in 3-D), burlesque acts, and trailers.  This is one case where a collection is more than a sum of its parts as the films themselves are easily outshone by the extras.  It all shows once again why Something Weird is the best in the business. 

AKA:  Fig Leaf Frolics.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: A VIRGIN IN HOLLYWOOD (1953) **

FORMAT:  DVD

A small-town reporter is given the plum assignment of going to Hollywood and doing a sordid tell-all on the seamy side of show biz.  Trouble is, she’s a homely virgin who’s unacquainted with sin.  Luckily for her, the first day on the job she stumbles upon a cheesecake photo shoot in the Hollywood Hills.  Later, she gets invited to a burlesque show.

Smack dab in the middle of this relatively tame and honestly rather dull flick, there are two five-minute 3-D interludes to spice up the proceedings.  This first is called “Dance of the Blonde Slave’s Revenge”.   A slave girl is unchained by her captor who makes her do a Bobby and Cissie routine.  She eventually stabs him in the back and escapes.  This sequence is mild and brief, but it does have a bottle and a pair of arms coming out at the audience. 

Next up is “Madonna and Her Bubbles”.  In this segment, a dancer blows bubbles out into the audience before doing an energetic dance routine.  The only 3-D effects are bubbles and arms stretching out into the audience, but this sequence is fun, mostly because of the dancer’s energy.  Then it’s back to the “main” plot. 

Our intrepid reporter next goes undercover as a cheesecake model before going on a series of bad blind dates.  There’s even a scene where she encounters a drag performer.  It all ends with her getting a job as a lingerie model and getting into a cat fight with another jealous model.  Luckily, her editor swoops in at the last minute to take her away from all this tawdriness. 

A Virgin in Hollywood may have been downright scandalous at the time of its original release, but watching it now, it all seems quaint and a tad boring.  Thankfully, the incongruous 3-D scenes, which are honestly nothing to write home about, make the whole experience at the very least memorable. 

The reporter gets the best line of the movie when she asks her gal pal, “Did you ever feel as though you swallowed an electric vibrator?”

AKA:  The Side Streets of Hollywood.  AKA:  Should a Girl Say Yes?

SUPERARGO AND THE FACELESS GIANTS (1971) ***

A mad scientist (Guy Madison) is kidnapping the world’s greatest athletes and turning them into mind-controlled automatons who do his bidding.  Secret agent Superargo (once again played by Giovanni Cianfriglia) is put on the case and returns to the wrestling ring to set a trap for the so-called “Faceless Giants”.  (It’s at this point of the review that I should note that the Faceless Giants all have faces and aren’t all that giant, but never mind.)  Superargo eventually convinces the deadly doctor’s hot assistant (Diana Lorys) to switch sides to help him defeat the mechanical monsters once and for all. 

I had a lot of fun with Superargo Against Diabolicus, so I decided to immediately run out and watch this goofy sequel.  Turns out, it’s even better.  Like the first flick, it feels like an Italian version of an El Santo movie.  This time out, there’s a heavier concentration of Sci-Fi silliness, which makes it enormously entertaining.  The Faceless Giants look like dudes in dime store robot costumes with coffee urns on their head and pantyhose over their faces.  I also liked that Superargo now trains with an Indian mystic and has mastered the art of levitation, telepathy, and blowing stuff up with his mind (although it never comes in handy, go figure).  Plus, there’s even more wrestling here than in the original, which is a bonus.  The groovy jazzy score also kicks a lot of ass. 

As with Superargo Against Diabolicus, the film has a tendency to drag whenever it becomes a little plot heavy.  The second act in particular is rather patchy, and the finale lacks the sustained silliness of the early going.  That’s really me just nitpicking.  Ultimately, whenever Superargo is punching the daylights out of goofy looking robot men, it’s damn good times. 

AKA:  The Invincible Superman.  AKA:  Superargo the Giant.  AKA:  The King of Criminals.  AKA:  Superargo.