PHARAOH’S CURSE (1957) **

Captain Storm (Mark Dana) leads an expedition through the desert to join an archeological dig in progress in Egypt.  Their voyage is beset by troubles once a beautiful stranger Simira (Ziva Shapir) joins them on their quest.  Pack mules run off, their water supply inexplicably dries up, and scorpions attack.  Once the tomb is opened, the mummy disappears and Simira’s brother becomes a dried-out, bloodsucking, mummified killer.  

Pharaoh’s Curse is a no-frills mummy movie.  At least it’s short and moves at a relatively brisk pace, which is appreciated.  Director Lee (Catalina Caper) Sholem brings a workmanlike style to the picture, which looks right at home on your TV screen.  (The early scenes of Dana and company traveling across the desert sort of resemble an Egyptian variation on Wagon Train.)

The monster certainly had potential as it’s basically a mix of mummy and vampire, going around from victim to victim draining them of their blood.  Too bad the mummy make-up isn’t very effective as it just looks like somebody’s wrinkled old grandfather.  I did like the scene where its arm falls off and almost immediately began crumbling to dust though.  Ultimately, moments like this are just too brief and undistinguished to make Pharaoh’s Curse a winner.  The lackluster ending doesn’t help matters either.

Screenwriter Richard Landau also wrote Voodoo Island and The Girl in Black Stockings the same year.

AKA:  Curse of the Pharaoh.  

THE HURRICANE HEIST (2018) *

The beginning has two young boys watching in horror as their father is killed by a violent hurricane.  Then, the storm sets its sights on the house where the two boys are hiding.  When it barrels down on them, the clouds form into the shape of a skull that screams maliciously as the opening title appears.

At first, I thought I had mistakenly put on one of those SYFY Channel Sharknado knockoffs.  Was this The Hurricane Heist or was it Skullnado?  Maybe Skelecane?   

Oh, would it surprise you that one of the boys is named “Breeze”?  Or that one of the screenwriters had the last name of “Windhauser”?  Probably not.

Unfortunately, the skull-faced cloud is the best thing the movie has going for it and it progressively gets worse from there.

So, there’s millions of dollars’ worth of old money that’s marked for destruction by the US government.  Maggie Grace is the gal in charge who’s supposed to make sure it all goes to plan.  Naturally, some thieves try to jack the shipment, which happens to coincide with the storm of the millennium.  It’s then up to the two (now grown) boys from the beginning (played by Toby Kebbel and Ryan Kwantan) to help Maggie thwart the robbery.

The Hurricane Heist was directed by Rob Cohen, a man who isn’t a stranger to stupidity.  Anyone who has seen XXX or Stealth can tell you that.  I don’t know if this is quite as bad as Stealth, but it comes awfully close.  Despite the enjoyable stupid opening skull sequence, the movie never really leans into its silly premise.  There are moments that flirt with awesomeness (like when Kebbel throws hubcaps into the wind and they propel into the bad guys) but they almost always come up short.  I mean you can only take so many scenes of people being blown away by the wind and/or getting hit with crashing waves before it gets a bit old.  

Overall, The Hurricane Heist left me feeling under the weather.  It rained down scene after scene of emotionless dialogue, ludicrous plotting, and half-assed action sequences.  This had potential to be a so-bad-it’s-good movie, but the unrelenting sense of non-fun takes the wind out of its sails.  That is to say, it blows.  

AKA:  Hurricane.  

THE LEGO MOVIE 2: THE SECOND PART (2019) ***

The LEGO Movie 2:  The Second Part will undoubtedly be enjoyed by kids.  Adults should like it too, although probably not as much as the first movie.  While it lacks the freshness and invention of the original (not to mention the out-and-out joy of The LEGO Batman Movie), it’s a solidly entertaining follow-up on just about all fronts.

Things pick up exactly where the first film left off with the clunky miscreants from Planet Duplo taking over Bricksburg, effectively turning it into a post-apocalyptic wasteland.  Everyone in Bricksburg is upset by this, except for the plucky Emmet (voiced by Chris Pratt), who it seems is oblivious to the devastation.  An emissary from Planet Duplo named General Mayhem (voiced by Stephanie Beatriz) comes to collect a sampling of the citizens and bring them before Queen Watevra Wa’Nabi (voiced by Tiffany Haddish).  It’s then up to Emmet to rescue them.

The LEGO Movie 2 is fun for the most part, even if it does sticks to its narrative a bit too rigidly.  The plot is OK, and it has a good message and all.  It’s just that it’s missing the same satirical edge of its predecessors, which will probably limit its replay value.  We do get one or two funny cameos, although that’s not nearly as many as I was expecting.  The cracks at Chris Pratt’s expense are pretty funny though. 

Once again Batman (voiced by Will Arnett) steals the show.  He gets a great duet with Watevra on a song called “Gotham City Guys”, which might be as close as we get to a LEGO Batman Movie sequel.  I especially liked the post-apocalyptic version of the character, which is something I wish we got to see more of.  Naturally, it’s Batman who gets the best line of the movie when he tells Watevra, “I’m a permanent bat-chelor”. 

14 BLADES (2014) **

Donnie Yen stars as the head of the royal palace guard who was raised from childhood to protect and serve using fourteen sacred blades.  Yen’s mission is to transport a sacred royal seal, but when he is set up and double-crossed, he grabs the seal and heads off to the hills, taking a woman hostage (Zhao Wei) to secure his getaway.  As Yen is hunted down by his own men, he and his captive form a bond.  Together, they wind up fighting alongside a bandit leader (who looks a lot like Captain Jack Sparrow) to take down the corrupt palace guards.

14 Blades has a decent amount of action, although many of the swordfights are marred by too much slow motion (like Yen’s fight with a dreadlocked swordswoman).  They also suffer from some truly laughable CGI.  The scene where the swordswoman’s robe dances in the air as she quickly runs around fighting is extremely cheesy.  

Despite that, there are a handful of memorable moments here.  I liked the badass scene where Yen takes on a bunch of guys singlehandedly while eating a drumstick.  There’s also a pretty good fight where a victor must be declared before a coin stops spinning.  Yen is good, as always, but even he can’t singlehandedly save this slowly-plotted affair.  I did enjoy seeing Sammo Hung popping up as the bitter, legless villain, although he was never really given enough to do for my liking.  

Mostly though, 14 Blades is just too withdrawn and sullen to be much fun.  There are too many lulls in between the action, and the romantic subplot is ineffective for the most part.  Also, at nearly two hours, it’s way too long and inconsistent to be considered a winner.  

AKA:  The Brocaded Robe Guards.

THE SUNSET LIMITED (2011) *** ½

The Sunset Limited is directed by Tommy Lee Jones and stars Jones, Samuel L. Jackson, and four walls, which is fitting since it is a two-character play.  Because it was written and adapted by none other than by Cormac (No Country for Old Men) McCarthy, every word is carefully measured and carries great weight.  Not only is it one of the best McCarthy adaptations, it is a powerhouse showcase for both actors.  

Jones and Jackson sit alone in a sparse apartment.  Jones is White and Jackson is Black.  Through their dialogue, we learn Black saved White from jumping in front of the titular train.  Despite his protests, Black engages him in conversation, hoping that the longer White stays, the less likely he is to try to attempt suicide again.  White obliges the total stranger out of mere courtesy, but it is painfully obvious he can’t stay in that room forever.

Jones and Jackson are like fire and gasoline together.  They elevate what could’ve been in lesser hands an ordinary talk fest and make it into something more.  Jackson attacks the role with his usual bravado.  There’s a jailhouse reminiscence that is just pure Jackson.  You have to wonder why it took so long for him and McCarthy to team up.  Jones is equally captivating.  He dials his usual mannerisms down to a whisper.  World-weary, frail, and haunted, this is one of Jones’ best performances.

As a director, Jones does what he can to make it feel less stage-bound, moving the characters around and getting in a couple of unique camera angles along the way.  The plot spins its wheels a bit too much during the second act.  However, Jones’ final admission is one of the bleakest, dourest, most depressing things ever put on celluloid.  It is a thing of rare beauty to see someone poignantly illustrating the reason they NEED to commit suicide.  Jones puts it in such a way that it leaves Jackson and the audience speechless.  If someone who wants something so bad, who are you to argue with them, especially when they verbalize it so eloquently (even if it is suicide)?

HEAVEN HELP US (1985) ** ½

Dunn (Andrew McCarthy) is a transfer student learning to fit in at an all-boys Catholic school in the mid-‘60s.  There, he has to deal with a wiseass bully (Kevin Dillion) whom he eventually befriends.  When he’s not putting up with the overbearing (not to mention abusive and sadistic) Brother Constance (Jay Patterson), Dunn tries to make romance blossom with a tough-talking (but sweet) girl (Mary Stuart Masterson) who works in a nearby diner.  

Director Michael Dinner (who went on to direct many episodes of Justified) does a good job at setting the time and place.  There are a handful of funny moments that click, like when the students critique and fine-tune each other’s sins just before going to confession.  The movie is better when it’s capturing these little character moments than when it begins leaning into the usual Porky’s-style Teenage Sex Comedy shenanigans.

The scenes that chronicle the abuse the students face at the hands of the vindictive Brother are sort of clunky.  The film can’t decide if he’s the villain or a symbol of a bygone era of corporal punishment.  Because of that, he’s just sort of there.  

The cast is solid through and through, which helps carry you over the bumpy parts.  McCarthy is good, if a bit bland in the lead.  That’s mostly because his character is underwritten, but he does a fine job regardless.  Dillon has the showier role as the brash bully and equips himself nicely.  John Heard makes a memorable impression as the lone pleasant Brother and Donald Sutherland has a few moments to shine as the stern headmaster.  It’s also fun seeing Patrick Dempsey and Stephen Geoffreys making their debuts as McCarthy’s friends.  Wallace Shawn has a funny extended cameo too as the Brother who gives a talk about lust just before a school dance.  

AKA:  Catholic Boys.

DEADLIER THAN THE MALE (1967) **

Bulldog Drummond has been a Hollywood staple since the early days of cinema.  From 1922 to 1951, he appeared in over twenty movies.  If you’re unfamiliar with the character, he was sort of a precursor to James Bond, with a pinch of Sherlock Holmes thrown in for good measure.  After the Bond films became a worldwide phenomenon in the early ‘60s, the character was dusted off yet again for two adventures starring Richard Johnson as the intrepid Bulldog Drummond.

A pair of beautiful but deadly women (Elke Sommer and Sylva Koscina) go around murdering men connected with a multimillion-dollar business deal.  Since one of the men was a close friend of Bulldog, he naturally investigates.  He eventually uncovers a scheme by a madman who wants to throw the global economy into chaos.

The Bond influence is all over this thing, but the results are shaky at best.  Some of the gadgets are just plain cheesy (like the exploding cigars) and the stunts are underwhelming, especially when compared to the Bond movies of the era.  The Oddjob-inspired henchman is OK, but he’s woefully underutilized.  I like a good Bond knockoff as much as the next person.  It’s just that frankly, I prefer the old creaky black and white Drummond adventures. 

The film works best when it’s doing its own thing.  I’m thinking specifically of the scene involving the giant chess board complete with oversized mechanical chess pieces.  Sadly, Deadlier Than the Male has very few of these moments of inspiration.  

The only Bond-like department the movie scores in is providing eye candy.  Sommer and Koscina leave a memorable impression as the two deadly assassins.  The scene where they rise seductively out of the water is clearly supposed to evoke Ursula Andress.  You can almost hear director Ralph Thomas offscreen saying, “Isn’t this GREAT!  This’ll be twice as hot as Dr. No because we have not one but TWO women in skimpy bikinis!”

The big problem is that Johnson is just a bore as Bulldog.  He isn’t given much to work with admittedly as most of his quips are lame and/or just embarrassing.  It’s Sommer who steals the movie fairly early on, although she really doesn’t know what to do with it once she’s stolen it.

Johnson and Thomas returned two years later with the sequel, Some Girls Do.

AKA:  Deadlier.