SARTANA’S HERE… TRADE YOUR PISTOL FOR A COFFIN (1970) ***

George Hilton takes over for Gianni Garko in this fifth and final Sartana adventure.  Hilton is kind of like Roger Moore to Garko’s Sean Connery.  He’s quicker with a joke and doesn’t seem to be taking it all too seriously.  He also gets a variety of goofy (but cool) gadgets and gimmicks that help endear him to the audience.  There’s a great scene early on where he kills a bunch of guys with a gun hidden in a loaf of bread (he calls it a “Sandwich gun”) that perfectly sets the tone for what’s to come.  

Spencer (Piero Lulli) is the crooked owner of a mining town who chisels prospectors out of their profits by keeping the gold dust for himself.  Sartana makes an uneasy alliance with the no-good Mantas (Nello Pazzafini) to rob his office and clean him out.  Double and triple-crosses abound, but things get even more complicated when another gunfighter, Sabbath (Charles Southwood) enters the fray.

The plot is merely a riff on similar themes found in the other Sartana pictures, but director Giuliano Carnimeo mines plenty of humor out of the scenario to make this one of the more entertaining films in the series.  The plot is also reminiscent of the previous Hilton/Carnimeo team-up, The Moment to Kill, except it’s slicker, faster paced, and much more fun than that film.  I was particularly impressed with Carnimeo’s inventive camerawork during a tense poker game that helped up the stakes both dramatically and in the game. 

Trade Your Pistol for a Coffin has all the scenes of Sartana one-upping the bad guys in inventive ways that you’ve come to expect from the series.  There’s a great moment where Sartana is taking a bath and some bad hombres get the drop on him, but he takes them out with a gun hidden in his boot.  I think my favorite bit though was when Sartana played checkers using full shot glasses as playing pieces.  Every time he jumps his opponent’s piece, they have to take the shot.  This is an awesome idea that I’m just dying to try at my next party. 

One thing that makes Trade Your Pistol for a Coffin different than the other Sartana movies is the use of the character Baxter Red.  In the other films, he’s the rich guy behind the plot who’s manipulating the other characters.  Here, he’s just the main villain’s henchman.  It’s a small change to the formula, but one worth mentioning.

The best addition to the mix is Sabbath.  He’s a badass “dandy” gunfighter who carries a frilly parasol with him wherever he goes.  Don’t let that fool you because he also has shotguns hidden in his saddle and isn’t afraid to use them.  Sartana’s final confrontation with Sabbath is just one of the movie’s many highlights.  I wouldn’t dream of spoiling just how it all plays out.  Southwood and Hilton have a lot of chemistry together and Erika (The Devil’s Nightmare) Blanc is a lot of fun as a backstabbing madam. 

AKA:  I am Sartana… Trade Your Guns for a Coffin.  AKA:  Sartana’s Coming, Get Your Coffins Ready.  AKA:  Fistful of Lead.

THE SHIP OF MONSTERS (1961) ****

This movie has everything.  Hot Venusian women coming to earth to mate with Earth men, robots, monsters, aliens, singing cowboys, sexy vampire women… You name it, The Ship of Monsters has it!  

Gamma (Ana Bertha Lepe) and Beta (Lorena Velazquez from Santo vs. the Vampire Women) are two sexy women from Venus who come to Earth to find men to repopulate their planet.  That right there is important to note.  In most Sci-Fi movies of the ‘50s and ‘60s, it’s the men who travel to Venus and find the women.  It’s that little attention to detail that lets you know you’re in for something special.

Almost immediately, the women run into Lauriano (Lalo Gonzalez), a singing cowboy with a penchant for telling tall tales.  Once they adjust to his language frequency, they use a Men in Black-type device to freeze him in mid-sentence just long enough so they can communicate back to the ship and learn from their robot what all his Earth lingo means.  (It’s kind of like Googling.)  Oh, by the way, the robot is similar to the one in Robot vs the Aztec Mummy, which makes it even better.

Anyway, Lauriano instantly falls head over heels for Gamma.  Since the Venusians don’t have a word in their dictionary for “love”, he shows her the definition.  This makes Beta insanely jealous, so she unleashes all the male specimens from the ship and orders them to attack the town.  These monsters are wild looking and include a brain guy, a cyclops (both of which later appeared in Santo and Blue Demon vs. the Monsters), a spider, and a skeleton with a dog-shaped face.  

Which brings us into a weird area.  I mean, the ladies were looking for mating specimens… right?  And these aliens are decidedly… not handsome.  Were they really desperate enough that they were going to bone a literal bone man?  How does that even work?  I don’t know and I don’t care because this movie rocks.  

You know, Ed Wood was probably kicking himself for not thinking up some of this stuff.  What I’m getting at is this is a B movie fan’s fever dream come true.  It’s easily one of the best Mexican Monster Mashes I’ve seen, second only to Santo and Blue Demon vs. the Monsters.  In short, this ship will send you into orbit.

THE MOMENT TO KILL (1968) * ½

Bounty hunter Lord (George Hilton) and his buddy Bull (Walter Barnes) get a job to track down a cache of Confederate gold.  Along the way, they wind up helping a wheelchair bound woman fend off some unsavory desperados.  Mistrust, backstabbing, and double crosses eventually follow. 

Directed by Giuliano (The Case of the Bloody Iris) Carnimeo, The Moment to Kill is a slow moving and dreary little heaping of Spaghetti Western.  It takes forever to get going, and the listless pacing and lethargic direction perpetually keep it from gaining any momentum.  Not even Hilton’s solid performance can keep it afloat.  His Mutt and Jeff routine with Barnes makes the film sometimes play like a Terence Hill/Bud Spencer movie, minus the laughs.

The Moment to Kill really only comes to life in the third act.  Then at least the sound of whizzing bullets can keep you from dozing off.  The shootout where Hilton hides behind sides of beef while shooting at the bad guys is kind of cool, I guess.  My favorite part though is when he ran out of bullets and resorted to throwing his spurs at his enemies like Ninja stars.  Too bad the constant plot twists pile on so fast in the end that it kind of gets in the way of the action.

Hilton and Carnimeo later teamed up for Sartana’s Here… Trade Your Pistol for a Coffin.

AKA:  The Moment of Killing.

THE NEW INVISIBLE MAN (1959) ** ½

This Mexican version of the H.G. Wells classic plays more like a remake of Universal’s The Invisible Man Returns (the Vincent Price one) than the original Claude Rains picture.  Carlos (Arturo de Cordova) is about to be married to Beatriz (Ana Luisa Peluffo) when he is framed for murder.  After he is arrested, Beatriz gets Luis (Augusto Benedico), Carlos’ scientist brother to create an invisibility formula.  Once invisible, Carlos escapes prison, eludes the police, and with the help of his fiancée, sets out to clear his name.  Naturally, the serum will eventually drive him insane, so his brother works frantically to find a cure.  Even after the men who framed him are properly dealt with, Carlos spirals into madness.  He even threatens to poison the city’s water supply if the citizens do not bow down before him and worship him like a god. 

The New Invisible Man is similar in a lot of ways to John Carpenter’s Memoirs of an Invisible Man.  There are brief moments of the Invisible Man having trouble adjusting to his invisible life that are reminiscent of that film.  (Since no one can see him, it makes it awkward to be in public places like crowded buses.)  Also, instead of the traditional bandages, this Invisible Man uses make-up in order to be seen by his fiancée, just like Chevy Chase.  This is a very cool scene as his face appears out of thin air a dab at a time (even if you can spot the seams). 

The rest of the Invisible Man effects are cheap but fun.  The big disappearing scene is nothing more than a dissolve of the actor’s face over some heavily starched clothing, which is good for a laugh.  The usual scenes of the Invisible Man smoking or carrying his luggage is done here again, with decidedly less panache than the Universal films.  The stuff with the scientist experimenting in the lab is pretty funny too as monkeys turn into skeletons and bunnies disappear before your very eyes.  There are also fun scenes of the Invisible Man stopping a pickpocket and beating up a thief.

While consistently amusing, The New Invisible Man never quite cuts loose.  It spends too much time retreading the old Universal movies when it should’ve been treading its own path.  The make-up sequence, and the finale where he finally goes batshit insane are memorable because they are as far away from the Claude Rains flick as you can get.  As a die-hard fan of Invisible Man movies, I have to say it was better than average, although the casual viewer will probably be left unimpressed.  

AKA:  The Invisible Man.  AKA:  The Invisible Man in Mexico.

SANTO VS. THE STRANGLER (1965) ** ½

Santo vs. the Strangler starts out like a combination of a Mexican Lawrence Welk knockoff, ESPN, and The Phantom of the Opera.  We see performers in a theater doing various musical numbers that are occasionally interrupted by El Santo wrestling in the ring.  Meanwhile, a masked killer known as The Strangler prowls around the rafters of the theater, waiting to claim his next victim.  When the detectives are unable to apprehend the murderer, they call in El Santo to bring down the killer.

At least I think that’s what happened.  The version I saw didn’t have any subtitles, so it didn’t make much sense.  I guess I’d somehow be disappointed if it did. 

If I had to choose, I’d say the earlier scenes are the most fun because of the non-stop barrage of music, wrestling, and zaniness.  The musical numbers are surprisingly entertaining.  There’s a Spanish version of “Fever” and, oddly a cover of “16 Tons” done in English.

The rest of the film is typically goofy.  El Santo has a Batcave type of lair and communicates with the detective through a giant TV monitor.  I also liked the fact that sometimes The Strangler looked like The Phantom of the Opera, and other times he sort of resembled Vincent Price in The House of Wax.  The scene where The Strangler tries to assassinate El Santo in the ring and accidentally shoots his opponent instead is a hoot.  (So, I guess that means El Santo wins?)  The subplot with the orphan kid stowing away in El Santo’s car gets a nice payoff too when he’s invited to the theater to sing “Blame it on the Bossa Nova”.

All of this is odd and silly for sure, but it’s also a tad uneven, slow moving, and sometimes dull.  It’s telling that the musical numbers are more memorable than the wrestling stuff.  I mean The Strangler isn’t a bad villain, it’s just that he pales in comparison next to some of El Santo’s weirder opponents.  That said, the unmasking of the killer scene in the finale is a ripe slice of hilarity and well worth the wait. 

AKA:  Santo Against the Strangler.  

I AM SARTANA YOUR ANGEL OF DEATH (1969) ** ½

Gianni Garko returns as Sartana in this intermittently amusing sequel to If You Meet Sartana Pray for Your Death.  This time out, Sartana is accused of robbing a bank, but it was actually a guy wearing Sartana’s trademark black suit and hat.  Pretty soon, there’s a hefty reward out for Sartana.  Among those looking to collect are a wily Native American tracker (Jose Torres), a down-on-his-luck card shark (Klaus Kinski, playing a different role than in the first movie), and a suave bounty hunter (Gordon Mitchell).  

I am Sartana Your Angel of Death isn’t as sharp or focused as its predecessor, but its rambling nature offers its own unique rewards.  The opening bank robbery is inventive and kicks the movie off in fine fashion.  There are also a few entertaining bits along the way, especially when Sartana gets the drop on the bad guys by doing card tricks.  I also liked it when he forced them to wear his hat and duster, using them as a decoy.  Garko once again cruises through the movie with his likeable charm and helps ensure you’ll stay tuned throughout the draggier sections.

Unfortunately, Sartana is saddled with a needless annoying sidekick played by Frank Wolf that kind of gets in the way of the fun.  The music in some scenes is kind of crappy too.  (One instrumental sounds like “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”!)  Mitchell is pretty much wasted as well, which is also disappointing.  At least Kinski is hoot as the bounty hunter who’s only out to get the reward to pay off his poker debts.  Heck, he probably deserved his own spin-off.

AKA:  Angel of Death:  Sartana.  AKA:  Sartana the Gravedigger.  AKA:  I’ll Dig Your Grave.

THE NEW BEVERLY HILLS GIRLS (1991) **

Michelle Bauer stars as a talent agent who narrates two stories.  In the first, a rock band waits at a gig for their drummer, Becky LeBeau who is running late.  Why is she running late, you ask?  Well, she’s way too busy playing with herself in the bathtub, that’s why!  When she finally gets to the studio, they belt out a rock song.  Oh, did I mention the one and only Linnea Quigley is the singer?  The song she does is no “Santa Monica Boulevard Boy”, but it’s not bad.  Then their agent brings them new outfits to wear, which means they all have to undress and change into them right there on the spot!  Becky takes lead on the next (okay) song and imagines herself singing in the nude.  Finally, to insure they get a record contract, Linnea bangs a sexy music exec while Becky watches.

The second story stars Michelle, who is overseeing a nude photography session.  Her photographer is kidnapped by a jealous rival and blackmails Michelle into selling her company.  Michelle’s models then decide to make like a bunch of half-assed Charlie’s Angels and try to rescue him. 

This segment is much longer than the first and not nearly as entertaining either.  It is padded with a bunch of nude modeling scenes, which takes some of the sting out of the sluggish second half.  More padding comes in the form of flashbacks of random sex scenes, including Linnea in a brief lesbian three-way.  Michelle herself gets a potentially good Girl on Girl scene (a flashback inside of a fantasy inside of a dream scene) that’s unfortunately ruined by a purple tint on the camera that makes it hard to tell what’s going on. 

The obvious inspirations here were MTV and The Playboy Channel.  The cheesecake nude, striptease, and sex scenes are like something out of a Playboy Video Centerfold, except they were shot with a grainy home movie camera and the sound kind of goes in and out.  These scenes also use too much slow motion, but I think that was only done to further pad out the running time.   

Ultimately, what we have here is an uneven hodgepodge.  The first story is only a half hour and moves at a fairly brisk pace.  The second is almost an hour.  Both have their moments, but Michelle’s story is awfully slow going.  What’s worse is the thoroughly awful rock song by a lame (all-male) band in the third act that stops things on a dime right when it should be heating up. 

I guess I’m being too harsh on The New Beverly Hills Girls.  After all, it’s not even really a movie; just an excuse to get a few of your favorite Scream Queens naked masquerading as a real movie.  Still, as far as Excuses-to-Get-Your Favorite-Scream-Queens-Naked-Masquerading-as-a-Real-Movie movies go, you can certainly do much worse.  

AKA:  Beverly Hills Girls.