SIXTEEN (1972) **

 

A poor white trash family come into a bit of money.  To celebrate, they put on their Sunday best and go to the state fair.  Sixteen-year-old Naomi (Simone Griffeth) and her brother named… uh… Bruvver (John Lozier) wander off and wind up having a wild night.  Naomi ends up bedding a motorcycle daredevil (Peter Greene) and Bruvver becomes a mark for a grifting stripper (Beverly Powers) who gets him drunk and tries to chisel him out of the family fortune. 

Sixteen looks like it should be more lurid than it is.  However, there’s a naivety about it that deflates any sort of notion that this is going to be a down and dirty Hicksploitation flick.  The trouble the two cracker siblings get into is downright quaint, and the repercussions of their tomfoolery wind up feeling like something that came out of a sitcom version of The Waltons.

Griffeth (who was just a few years away from her memorable turn in Death Race 2000) is far and away the best thing about the movie.  She is perfectly cast as the innocent southern waif who winds up losing her virginity to a grubby carny.  Her nude scenes help to make up for the film’s many shortcomings, although they’re not plentiful enough to make it recommended. 

The problem is the film often times forgets she even exists.  The stuff with Bruvver and the con woman stripper is a lot less enjoyable, and more than a little grating.  The scenes where she has to contend with Bruvver’s wild child younger brother as he attacks her immobilized mobile home are especially annoying and juvenile.  Then again, I guess you have to expect a little immaturity out of a movie called Sixteen.

AKA:  The Young Prey.  AKA:  Carnival Tramp.  AKA:  Like a Crow on a June Bug. 

THE NIGHT OF THE CAT (1973) **

Bev (Kathy Allen) comes to a small town to identify the body of her sister.  She soon learns from a local reporter her sister was killed by some seedy underworld types while trying to escape a life of prostitution.  These unsavory characters get their kicks by luring unsuspecting women, getting them hooked on drugs and forcing them to turn tricks.  Bev then zips up her form-fitting black suit, dons a black wig, and sets out for revenge. 

Like the similarly titled Night of 1000 Cats, The Night of the Cat features a villain who has an acute fear of cats.  (It also unfortunately contains some seemingly unfaked scenes of cat abuse, just like that movie.)  We learn this information very early on, and it’s stated so obviously and over the top that you just know he’s going to wind up being killed and/or defeated by a bunch of frisky felines… Right? 

WRONG!  After all that build-up with the villain hating cats, there is absolutely no cat-related payoff at the end of the movie.  Instead, Bev just punches and kicks him until he (SPOILER) falls off a balcony and dies.  WHAT A RIP-OFF!  Why the fuck did they call this The Night of the Cat if the cat never gets his night?  Say what you will about Night of 1000 Cats, but at least the villain got his cat-centric just desserts in that one.

It’s a shame too because the opening scenes have a kick to them.  The scenes where Bev reminisces about her sister, practices Kung Fu, and plots her revenge work.  Unfortunately, there’s just way too much extraneous stuff that gets in the way.  The scenes with the mobsters running their organization particularly eat up a lot of screen time.  (Although I didn’t mind it when they cut to the villain’s gentleman’s club where we get to see some gratuitous topless dancing.)

It also takes an inordinate amount of time for heroine to finally go out for revenge.  Even when she finally gets her act together, the action is underwhelming.  I know they were working on a low budget, but the fights are slipshod (even the big fight with the fat henchmen is a bust) and the car chase scene goes on way too long.  The film does have some good ideas, namely “The Clinic” where girls are held and doped up, but the execution is shoddy.

Still, I have a soft spot in my heart for ‘70s regional low budget drive-in fare like this.  For all its frustrations, the movie at the very least is an OK vehicle for Kathy Allen.  Her performance is winning enough to keep you invested in her quest for vengeance.  Too bad this was her one and only starring role.  With a better movie at her disposal, she might’ve had a career as a drive-in queen. 

MUSICAL MUTINY (1970) * ½

A pirate wanders out of the sea and tells a Hell’s Angel to spread the word that “It’s a mutiny!”  He then goes around to the various hippies, dopers, rockers, and dune buggy enthusiasts to round up everyone they know to meet at the Pirates World amusement park for a free concert.  Woodstock it is not.

Then again, what do you expect when you hire the man who made Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny to make a rock concert movie?

The first half of this movie is slow going, mostly because it’s so repetitive.  People are seen milling about, listening to rock bands, or going on and on about some special formula in their lab when someone bursts in and says, “It’s a mutiny!”  This leads to long scenes of people riding around on garbage trucks, dune buggies driving cautiously through beaches, and parkgoers milling about Pirates World (which was also the setting for Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny).  Once the music finally kicks in, it’s nothing to write home about.  One singer sounds like Janis Joplin and another sounds like Joni Mitchell, but neither of them are very good. 

In the last twenty minutes, things perk up with Iron Butterfly does their big hit “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”.  I say in the last twenty minutes because that’s just about how long the song goes on.  I like the song as much as the next guy, but there’s a reason why they cut it down when it’s played on the radio.

The ending is especially infuriating.  A blond kid, who’s spent the entire movie trying to chase down the pirate to give him a letter just misses him when he disappears into the sea.  Frustrated, he opens up the letter, which reads, “THE END”.  If that asshole opened it about seventy minutes sooner, it would’ve saved us all a lot of trouble.

Some fun can be derived from the dated fashions, and some of the odd non-musical moments are semi-amusing.  That's not nearly enough to justify its existence though.  If I had to guess, I’d say director Barry Mahon filmed a bunch of concert scenes and didn’t know what to do with them.  He added the half-assed pirate narrative and released it, hoping it would simultaneously be a Woodstock-esque concert film AND a advertisement for Pirates World.  Ultimately, Musical Mutiny, like the pirate character, is better off in the middle of the ocean.

FRANKESTEIN, THE VAMPIRE AND COMPANY (1962) **

Frankestein, the Vampire and Company is an unofficial Mexican remake of Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein.  On second thought, the term “remake” is a little generous.  “Rip-off” is more like it. 

Two idiot baggage clerks are given the task of delivering two crates containing the bodies of Frankestein and “The Human Vampire” to a wax museum.  When the bodies disappear, the bumbling boobs are accused of theft and must find the monsters to clear their name.  A stranger also lends a hand in finding the creatures, but he has an unfortunate habit of turning into a werewolf at the most inopportune times.

Given what I had heard about this movie, I was kind of expecting this to be more of a blatant rip-off than it actually was.  Some of the scenes copy Abbott and Costello very closely, but others are just different enough to keep the sense of déjà vu at bay.  For example, when the Larry Talbot stand-in turns into the Wolf Man while talking on the telephone, he isn’t in his apartment, but rather a public phonebooth.  Also, the vampire is kind of an idiot himself.  There’s a scene where he acts like a little girl when he thinks he’s about to drink some blood that’s just painfully unfunny.  You’d never see Lugosi do shit like that in a million years.  We also get a long scene where an equally unfunny detective looks for a thief at a costume party that has fuck-all to do with the plot. 

These slight changes don’t make much of a difference, ultimately.  I think were only done to prevent Universal from calling their lawyers.  You can almost hear the filmmakers preparing their defense.  “But Your Honor, in our movie, the fraidy cat nincompoop isn’t short and fat, he’s tall and skinny!  And besides, he hears a voice in his head that makes him play ‘pranks’ on his poor buddy.  Does THAT sound like Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein to YOU?”  However, these changes aren’t remotely funny enough to make it worthwhile either. 

I know it may look like my Spell Check has crapped out on me, but yes, the title is actually Frankestein, the Vampire and Company.  I don’t know if they slightly altered Frankenstein’s name so they wouldn’t get sued or what, but it’s kind of funny.  I know in Santo and Blue Demon vs. the Monsters, the character’s name was “Franquestain”, so it’s possible it’s just a Spanish variation of the word.  That doesn’t explain why the Dracula character is called “The Human Vampire” though.  I mean, aren’t all vampires human?  Again, I think they just called him that to skirt around any issues with Universal.  It’s still kind of goofy though.

So, in short, there’s no real reason to watch this, unless you want to see a cheaper, unfunnier, Mexican version of Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein.  That’s why I watched it, and while I don’t exactly regret my decision, that doesn’t change the fact that it’s not very good.  Then again, if you’re like me and you’ll watch just about anything that comes from south of the border and contains Frankenstein (or Frankestein, even), Dracula (err… The Human Vampire), or the Wolf Man, you can do a lot worse.

WORLD’S WILDEST RAREST TRAILERS (1995) *** ½

 

You know World’s Wildest Rarest Trailers is going to be a great trailer compilation right out of the gate with the first trailer, Smooth Velvet, Raw Silk (AKA:  Black Emmanuelle, White Emmanuelle).  Any time you get a trailer that’s a thousand times better than the actual movie, it’s a win in my book.  This trailer is great, mostly because it keeps showing the names of the stars, Laura Gemser and Annie Belle while repeating the title over and over again as lots of footage of the two cavorting around nude plays out. 

There’s a good mix of genres represented here, which should satisfy exploitation and horror fans alike.  We get trailers for out-and-out classics such as I Drink Your Blood (on a double feature with I Eat Your Skin), Ilsa Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks, Let Me Die a Woman, House by the Cemetery, The Bird with the Crystal Plumage (under the title The Phantom of Terror), Flesh Feast, Re-Animator, Deranged, Tenement (which appears under TWO titles:  Game of Survival and Slaughter in the South Bronx!), and Massacre at Central High.  We also get a solid amount of drive-in fare like Girl in Room 2A, Journey into the Beyond, Cult of the Damned (AKA:  Angel, Angel, Down We Go), Amin:  The Rise and Fall, and Don’t Open the Window (AKA:  Let Sleeping Corpses Lie).  ‘80s horror is represented by the likes of Girls School Screamers (“The finishing school that finishes you off!”), The Oracle, Trick or Treat, Invasion of the Flesh Hunters (AKA:  Cannibal Apocalypse), and Don’t Answer the Phone.  Fire in the Flesh, Without a Stitch, Women for Sale, Succubare, The Rape Killer (AKA:  Death Kiss), Sweden:  Heaven and Hell, and The Depraved (AKA:  Exposed) hallmark the sexploitation offerings.  Action fans should enjoy trailers for Blood, Sweat and Fear (“Before he’s through, a lot of pure white snow is going to be bright blood red!”), The One Armed Executioner, Riot on 42^nd St. (which clocks in at a staggering seven minutes), Jungle Warriors, Battle of the Amazons, and The Death Dealer. 

A couple of legendary exploitation directors are also given a mini spotlight.  Ron Ormond’s Please Don’t Touch Me and The Exotic Ones (which looks amazing) are among the two highlights of the collection.  Al Adamson’s films Angels’ Wild Women, Satan’s Sadists (which ghoulishly exploits the Sharon Tate murder), and Brain of Blood are also featured.  Fans of Linda Blair will dig seeing trailers for Savage Streets and Savage Island too.  There’s  an assortment of stinkers like Vampire People (AKA:  The Blood Drinkers), Blood Demon (AKA:  The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism), Brides of Blood, and In the Shadow of Kilimanjaro in the bunch, along with a smattering of Kung Fu flicks (The Super Weapon, Dragon’s Inferno) and Blaxploitation (Super Spook, Ghetto Freaks).

World’s Wildest Rarest Trailers packs a lot of fun into two hours.  While there are enough oddities here to justify the “Rarest” moniker, it does have an abundance of trailers you (or at least me, anyway) have seen before.  That’s not a knock against it.  When you’ve seen as many trailer comps as I have, it gets harder and harder to make new discoveries.  That said, this is a thoroughly enjoyable collection that even managed to satisfy this jaded exploitation fan.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: DON’T FUCK IN THE WOODS (2016) **

Don’t Fuck in the Woods has the typical boilerplate plotline you’d expect from a low budget horror comedy:  A bunch of annoying characters (they look too long in the tooth to call “teens”) go camping in the woods, smoke a bunch of dope, have lots of pre-marital sex, and are promptly killed by something lurking in the dark.  I guess the big difference is that instead of a killer in a mask, the characters are killed by a rubbery looking monster.  So, at least that’s a slight change of pace. 

The early scenes hold promise.  The opening sequence in particular is surprisingly clever and laugh-out-loud funny.  If only the rest of the movie had the same amount of ingenuity, it could’ve been a worthwhile parody of the genre.  However, instead of spoofing the conventions of a horror film, Don’t Fuck in the Woods succumbs to laziness and decides to merely follow them.

The characters are your standard issue stock archetypes that usually populate these things.  There’s the stoner, the horror nerd, and naturally, the horny teenagers.  The big difference is the lesbians who actually manage to seem like a genuine couple.  Or at least a lesbian couple you’d find in an indie drama and not a low budget horror spoof. 

At 72 minutes, the movie is relatively short (it’s only an hour if you don’t count the credits and/or blooper reel), but it runs out of gas about halfway through when the jokes start to dry up.  (The indifferent scenes of our heroes sitting around the campfire and playing games of Truth or Dare and Marry/Fuck/Kill help to pad out the running time.)  Another problem:  Despite a decent gut ripping scene, many of the gory bits feel rushed. 

The good news is that the film is just as preoccupied with scenes of scantily clad women disrobing as it is with scenes of formerly scantily clad women being killed by the monster.  Ultimately, there’s just not quite enough of these scenes to make Don’t Fuck in the Woods recommended.  It’s almost as if the characters took the title seriously after a while.

PLANET OF THE FEMALE INVADERS (1967) ***

I’ve seen a lot of Mexican wrestling movies in my time, but Planet of the Female Invaders might be my first Mexican boxing movie.  A boxer double-crosses a gangster and refuses to take a dive.  He follows the pugilist and his hot girlfriend to an amusement park where they hop on what looks like the park’s latest attraction, a UFO ride.  Well, as it turns out, it’s a real-life flying saucer that winds up transporting the would-be parkgoers to a planet populated solely by sexy women. 

Their plan is rather diabolical too.  They want to steal the lungs of children to help them breathe in our atmosphere so they can take over the world.  Luckily, a handsome scientist and his bumbling sidekick hop in a rocket ship and try to stop the aliens’ devious plot. 

Planet of the Female Invaders is a sequel to Planetary Giants (which I haven’t seen).  It’s sort of like a Mexican riff on Hollywood’s low budget sexy spacewomen movies like Cat Women of the Moon and Queen of Outer Space.  It takes a little while to get off the ground (no pun intended), but it’s worth the wait once you realize that none other than Lorena (Santo vs. the Vampire Women) Velasquez is the one playing the sexy evil alien leader.  As a bonus, she also plays her sexy goodie two-shoes twin sister who helps the earthlings escape!  Seeing Velasquez in her regal form-fitting space queen outfits sharing the screen with herself as she wears her slinky sisterly apparel is quite a treat.  She gives not one, but two great performances that will surely leave you seeing double.  Because of that, the sluggish first act and the overlong boxing scene are easily forgiven.

Planet of the Female Invaders also contains a scene that is curiously prescient that’s worth mentioning at some length.  Once the earthlings are brought to the sexy space gal planet, they are repeatedly told by their captors to wear a mask (that looks like a modern-day face shield) while on the planet for their own safety.  Naturally, one dumbass ignores the rule and… well… you can probably guess what happens to him.  It’s as if director Alfredo B. (Santo vs. the Martian Invasion) Crevenna predicted the anti-mask sentiment of the current lockdown.  Of course, his vision of the future includes twin Lorena Velasquezes, which instantly makes the world the movie inhabits preferable to our own.