HINDSIGHT IS 2020: THE RHYTHM SECTION (2020) ***

Blake Lively (desperately trying to shed her good girl image with no make-up, ratty hairstyle, and English accent) stars as a woman who becomes a drug-addled sex worker after her entire family dies in a terrorist bombing.  As luck would have it, a dogged reporter (Raza Jaffrey) has found the man responsible for building the bomb that murdered her family.  She tries to execute the terrorist herself, but when she fails to pull the trigger, the reporter winds up dead.  A disgraced secret agent (Jude Law) then kidnaps her and trains her to become a hitwoman so she can finally seek revenge (and find peace).

The same week the James Bond producers pushed back No Time to Die (again), they put this on Amazon Prime for free.  Like No Time to Die, its release was pushed back several times.  When it finally came out earlier this year, it was a flop.  That’s probably due to the title, which makes it sound like a fucking cello movie or something.  Unlike Bond, it’s a smaller, more personal thriller.  It’s also surprisingly tough and mean-spirited, and unexpectedly focuses just as much on grief and trauma as it does vengeance and kicking ass. 

The Rhythm Section is unassuming and easy to underestimate, but it’s got it where it counts.  That’s fitting because the heroine is the same way.  The film belongs in one of my favorite subsects of the revenge genre where the character isn’t very good at getting revenge, but slowly becomes more capable thanks to raw determination and a little luck.  You wouldn’t think Lively could pull a role like this off.  However, she equips herself nicely and has you rooting for her by the end.  The fight scenes are messy, and there’s a pretty good chase scene done in one continuous take (although the seams in the editing are quite obvious).

I could’ve done without the on-the-nose needle drops of ‘60s tunes during some of the major sequences.  They really call attention to themselves and kind of run against the grain of the film’s serious tone.  Still, The Rhythm Section has plenty of rhythm as it moves along at a steady clip and kicks plenty of ass.  Too bad it flopped.  I wouldn’t have minded seeing Lively in a sequel.

SANTO VS. DOCTOR DEATH (1973) **

A thief sneaks into a museum and vandalizes a valuable painting.  An expert is brought in to restore the work of art and deems it to be a fake.  In reality, he’s in league with the ring of thieves who plan to sell it on the black market and make a fortune.  Stymied, Interpol brings in El Santo to bring the thieves down. 

I tend to find El Santo’s non-horror and sci-fi films to be among his lesser work, and despite the great title, Santo vs. Doctor Death has only the slightest horror trappings.  The scenes of sexy women in flimsy negligees walking down hidden passageways and catacombs are about all we get.  The movie is particularly sluggish whenever our masked hero isn’t on screen.  The art heist stuff is well-filmed, but mostly dull.  The same goes for the stuff with the Interpol agents.  We do get a pretty good car chase and the helicopter vs. boat finale is well done, although it is ultimately too little too late.  The ladies in the cast are all easy on the eyes though. 

Santo vs. Doctor Death is one of the few movies El Santo made away from his native Mexico.  It is also the only film he made in Spain.  The change of scenery is a bit of a mixed blessing.  While it may be a tad on the slow side, it is one of his best-looking flicks.  The cinematography is excellent and there are moments that look like they would be right at home in a Bond rip-off.  However, El Santo is usually at his best when he was working with guys who really knew how to utilize his talents, and this Spanish crew just can’t seem to do that.

The three wrestling scenes are OK.  Like the rest of the movie, they look slicker than usual.  The bulk of them are filmed in an empty auditorium, which is surprisingly effective.  Seeing the matches taking place in a mostly black void (complete with obviously phony canned crowd sound effects) is just odd enough to make them memorable. 

AKA:  Santo Strikes Again.  AKA:  Masked Man Strikes Again.  AKA:  Dr. Death.  AKA:  The Saint vs. Dr. Death.

THE INVITATION (1975) ** ½

Invitation to Ruin has one of the greatest trailers of all time.  It has appeared on several trailer compilations over the years, which is where I first heard of it.  Apparently, the original version is a lost film.  However, its memory lives on in this XXX version, which was prepared seven years later by actor Roger Gentry, who shot new scenes, added hardcore inserts, and re-released it as The Invitation.  Despite the awesome trailer, the movie itself leaves something to be desired (although it’s unfair to judge it properly in this form), but it’s so grimy and warped that it almost works as anti-porn.

A ladies’ man named Jerry (Roger Gentry) is hired by Pulaski (Moe Weise) to act as a “talent scout” for his white slavery operation.  (“They’re not hookers!  Hookers draw the line at some point.  Not my girls!”)  Jerry’s job is to woo these unsuspecting women and lure them with the promise of marriage before they are kidnapped and sold into slavery.  Naturally, it’s only a matter of time before Jerry falls for Pulaski’s daughter (Kathy Williams).  Incensed, Pulaski forces Jerry to confront the dirty side of the business, introducing him to Moma Lupo (Bertha Bigg), the ugly, scarred, tongueless warden who conditions the girls through sex, torture, and heroin. 

The Invitation is a sometimes-despicable roughie.  It’s cheap, exploitative, and would probably only be a turn-on for the most depraved viewer.  I mean that as a compliment, believe it or not.  It takes some doing to make me shake my head in disbelief, so bravo to Gentry and company for that.

However, in this version, the narrative is often choppy and sometimes confusing as it hops back and forth between narrators.  That’s mostly due to the blending of new and old footage.  It ultimately jumps around too much to flow smoothly and seamlessly.

This wouldn’t be an issue if the hardcore scenes were steamy.  There are some memorable moments along the way, but overall, they vary wildly in quality and length.  (Some appear randomly on a TV, which is supposed to represent security footage… or something.)  The ones that work best are the three-way sequences.  (Get a load of the “sheik” in the hot tub scene.)  Even then, they aren’t all that great.  The hateful dialogue is memorable though. 

The Invitation is rough in patches, especially early on, but things perk up once the character of Moma Lupo is introduced.  The torture sequence set to the library music from Night of the Living Dead, is rather shocking and effective.  Unfortunately, it takes a nosedive in quality shortly thereafter.  If it ended a good ten minutes sooner, it might’ve skated by with a *** rating.  However, after the plot feels like it’s wrapped itself up, it continues needlessly on for another reel or so.  In fact, the climax is so shoddily edited that it should be used in film schools to teach prospective filmmakers how NOT to end a movie.

I know the trailers are usually better than the movies themselves, but I can’t help but be a little disappointed in The Invitation after having such a great trailer and all.  It’s not all bad though.  It’s just that I can’t say it works as a whole.  What I can say is that’s just mean-spirited enough to stand out from the glut of grindhouse roughies of the era.  

AKA:  Invitation to Ruin. 

SUPERZAN AND THE SPACE BOY (1973) **

A young spaceman comes to Earth to share his knowledge with mankind.  Unfortunately, the first guy he runs into is a mad scientist who wants to pervert his gifts and use it to take over the world.  It’s then up to the Mexican luchador and crimefighter Superzan to help the Space Boy and stop the mad doctor’s evil scheme. 

I’m familiar with Superzan thanks to his supporting appearances in the Blue Demon films, The Triumph of the Champions of Justice and Mansion of the Seven Mummies.  This is a rare solo outing from the Mexican wrestler.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t wrestle in this one.  To add insult to injury, he doesn’t even show up until the movie is halfway over.  Unlike El Santo or Blue Demon, Superzan is a legit superhero (at least in this movie) and can actually FLY!  The flying scenes are pretty funny as it looks like Superzan just laid horizontally on a ladder while some production assistants ran hair dryers under his cape to make it flap in the wind.

It also didn’t help that the version I saw didn’t have subtitles.  Because of that, I couldn’t exactly tell what the bad guy’s machine did.  For all I know, if anyone stands underneath of it, it miraculously gives them the ability to wear a flashy pantsuit complete with snazzy cape.  The fight scenes alternate from under-rehearsed to sloppy to downright laughable.  It almost always looks like they used the first take.

Once Superzan finally shows up, the film picks up considerably.  There’s a scene where he gets ran over by the villain’s car, but he gets right back up no worse for wear.  He also uses a freeze gun at one point.  Too bad the movie grinds to a halt whenever he isn’t on screen. 

The golden-faced Space Boy is OK, I guess.  He speaks telepathically, which leads to lots of scenes of people standing around while echo-y voices are heard on the soundtrack.  This is initially good for a laugh, but it quickly grows tiresome as the flick lumbers on.

In short, Superzan and the Space Boy is far from what you would call “out of this world”.

THE VAMPIRE RAIDERS (1988) ***

The Vampire Raiders is an entertaining slice of Godfrey Ho and Tomas Tang lunacy.  As is par for the course with their films, it’s really two movies that have been edited together in slapdash fashion to make a “new" flick.  This practice usually yields uneven results, but this one just might be their weirdest one yet. 

This Eric Clapton lookalike wants to bring the hotel industry to its knees.  In order to do so, he must kidnap a hotel bigwig.  He knows that the Purple Ninja Clan are just itching to foil his plans, so he hires out for protection in the form of some hopping Chinese vampires. 

I have seen some shit and I have seen some shit.  The shit I seen in The Vampire Raiders just might take the cake.  In one scene, without warning, a giant pig is thrown off the roof of a building and lands on an elderly couple.  Then, the pig explodes, and a vampire emerges.  If you and I saw that in our everyday life, it would probably scar us till the end of our days, but the heroes in this movie just sort of shrug it off. 

I guess it takes a lot to shock a Ninja.

Someone who is unnerved by all of this is a trio of hotel switchboard operators who act as the heroines in the “second” movie.  One even says, “Pigs just don’t fall off the tops of buildings!”  You got that right, sister.

When people ask when will Godfrey Ho make a coherent movie, the answer usually is, “When pigs fly”.  Well… here we are. 

Admittedly, the rest of the movie isn’t quite as demented as that scene, but there are some definite highlights along the way.  We get a fun bit where a lady Ninja’s suntanning session is interrupted by a handsy vampire.  There’s also an attack by zombies who have Mr. Fantastic arms.  One of the idiots thinks the only thing that can stop a zombie is virgin piss (?!?), so he gets his buddy to pee in a jar.  Needless to say, it doesn’t go as planned.

The Vampire Raiders is far from what the AFI would call a “good” movie, but it’s a lot of fun.  I will say the Ninja stuff isn’t nearly as entertaining as the vampire scenes though.  Still, this is probably one of Ho’s best (and by best, I mean “jaw-droppingly weird”). 

AKA:  Vampire Raiders vs. Ninja Queen.  AKA:  Vampire Raiders:  Ninja Queen. 

THE JAR (1984) ** ½

Paul (Gary Wallace) gets into a car accident and brings the old man (Les Miller) he hit back home to his apartment.  Not only is the dude weird as shit, he’s also carrying a strange jar and won’t let it out of his sight.  When he disappears suddenly, he leaves the jar behind, which contains a little demon baby.  Paul naturally tries to get rid of the jar several times, but it ominously keeps coming back.  Pretty soon, he starts having bizarre visions, loses track of time, and has trouble distinguishing reality from illusion. 

The Jar is a weird fucking movie.  It’s very amateurish in some spots, but downright effective in other stretches.  It almost feels like David Lynch directed a Frank Henenlotter film.  There are also some moments that might have influenced Jacob’s Ladder too, which came out six years later.  (There’s a Vietnam flashback.)

He might not have any other credits on IMDb, but director Bruce Toscano gets a lot of mileage from just a handful of locations and is able to create some unsettling atmosphere with just a shoestring budget.  We also get a good performance by Wallace (who, like Toscano, has no other credits) in the lead.  In some of his scenes, he reminded me of Bruce Campbell in the first Evil Dead, as his character goes through Hell mentally and physically, but gamely keeps plugging along. 

There are many positive things I can say about The Jar that can’t be said for many low budget horror movies.  The problem is that after our hero is left alone with the jar, things become increasingly predictable and repetitive.  (The ending is a foregone conclusion.)  The thing in the jar is pretty cheap looking too.  (It resembles a pickled Ghoulie.)  However, the horror comes from the mental chaos it creates, and not the monster itself.  Ultimately, Toscano is unable to string that feeling along throughout a feature length running time. 

In fact, there are some scenes in the film that are in black and white for no good reason whatsoever.  This leads me to suspect it might’ve started life as a short and was later expanded.  If that was the case, it’s better than many similar movies of its kind.  That’s still not quite enough of a recommendation to make it a must-see, but it works most of the time.

CAULDRON OF BLOOD (1971) ** ½

This horror chiller starts with a great title sequence that features some Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein-inspired animation.  Halfway through the credits, there is a freeze frame on a skull for what feels like an eternity.  The music continues, but there are no titles flashing on the screen.  This went on so long I thought my Roku crapped out on me.  Just when I was about to get up to grab the remote, the skull’s head suddenly popped open, giving me a slight jolt.  Kudos to the credits people who designed that effective bit. 

A photographer (Jean-Pierre Aumont) comes to a small village to do a story on a reclusive blind sculptor named Franz (Boris Karloff).  Little does he know his wife (Viveca Lindfors) has been using the bones of her murder victims as the armatures in his sculptures.  Once Franz realizes his wife is a deranged murderess (and an adulterer too), he puts his foot down and tries to put a stop to her deadly game.

Cauldron of Blood kind of plays like a loose remake of A Bucket of Blood.  Only this time the sculptor uses bones under his clay instead of whole bodies.  (Who needs a bucket when you got a whole cauldron?)  The idea of a blind sculptor is pretty funny, but they wisely don’t play it for laughs. 

It’s not successful overall, but it’s quirky and watchable.  Whenever things threaten to get too dull, something weird will happen to give you the confidence to continue to plow through.  I think my favorite bit was the dream sequence that featured Nazi torture, kaleidoscopic effects, and a melting face.  The odd freeze frames and random cutaways to lightning striking during the other horrific scenes makes me think this might have been cut to get its PG rating.  Then again, there’s also a little bit of nudity in there too, so who knows?

This was one of Karloff’s final performances, as it was made shortly before the quartet of Mexican quickies that proved to be his swan song.  Lindfors does most of the heavy lifting as the feeble Boris mostly sits around wearing oversized sunglasses.  She’s pretty entertaining to watch though, so it’s a reasonable enough trade-off.

Sure, Cauldron of Blood drags, but then again so did every other fucking movie I watched this week.  Despite that, it’s got personality, an offbeat vibe, and a pretty gnarly climax.  There are worse Karloff quickies out there, that’s for sure.

AKA:  Blind Man’s Bluff.  AKA:  Children of Blood.  AKA:  Death Comes for the Dark.  AKA:  The Corpse Collectors.  AKA:  The Shrinking Corpse.