THE TAKING OF BEVERLY HILLS (1991) *** ½

Director Sidney J. Furie’s The Taking of Beverly Hills sat on the shelf for over two years, but even when it was finally released, it still emerged as one of the earliest examples of a Die Hard in a _______ movie.  This time, instead of Die Hard in a building, we have Die Hard in a… Beverly Hills.  That means when it comes time for the big car chase, the hero drives a Rolls Royce instead of the typical muscle car.  If you can’t already tell, this thing is fucking classy.

Ken (The Soldier) Wahl stars as a football player named Boomer.  When a tanker truck overturns and causes a major chemical spill, Beverly Hills is evacuated.  Boomer didn’t get the memo because he was locked in his luxurious mansion soaking in his hot tub.  The chemical spill is just a cover so a bunch of dirty cops can loot and pillage Beverly Hills.  Naturally, this leads to the typical “Wrong Guy at the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time” scenario, and Boomer must team up with a bumbling cop (Matt Frewer) to bring down the bad guys. 

The Taking of Beverly Hills is enormously entertaining as far as this sort of thing goes.  The direction is capable, the action is non-stop, the pacing is brisk, and lots of stuff blows up real good.  The thing that puts it over the top is the incredible cast.  We have Robert Davi as the villain, Lee Ving as his henchman, and Harley Jane Kozak as the love interest.  Wahl is in his element as the hero who utilizes his football skills to combat the bad guys.  (“I’m a master at moving downfield… and they don’t know I’m in the game!”)  He uses tackling dummies to toss bad guys out of windows, runs down Rodeo Drive past gunmen like he’s avoiding the opposing team’s defense, and tosses bombs into speeding cars like he’s throwing Hail Mary passes.  He also has a spectacular mullet. 

In short, Boomer is a Video Vacuum kind of guy.

The big stumbling block is Frewer as the comic relief tagalong sidekick.  I’m usually a big Frewer fan, but he’s pretty annoying and his quips aren’t very funny.  He should’ve been relegated to the sidelines (to keep the football theme going) and Wahl should’ve flown solo on this one.  I think it would’ve made for a tighter picture. 

Frewer’s annoying character aside, The Taking of Beverly Hills is a gloriously dumb, ridiculously entertaining good time.  It may be derivative, but it’s just so goofy that it’s hard not to enjoy it.  Look, you’re either the kind of person who wants to see Ken Wahl carrying Ninja stars around in a designer handbag and tossing them into bad guys while Faith No More’s “Epic” blares on the soundtrack, or you aren’t.

Wahl only made one more picture before retiring from acting in the late ‘90s.  Shortly thereafter, he went on to marry one of the Barbi Twins and devoted much of his time to charity work.  I wish he was still making movies like this, but it seems like he is busy living his best life, and I can respect that.  I wish him all the best.    

IDENTITY THIEF (2013) * ½

I’m sure buried somewhere down deep is a fine actress, but for the most part, Melissa McCarthy is often typecast as abrasive, annoying, and obnoxious loudmouth characters.  The box office receipts prove that there is an audience for her brand of humor, but I find her usual screen persona to be off-putting and unfunny.  Identity Thief did not make me a convert. 

Jason Bateman stars as a family man whose credit, job, and life is ruined by an identity thief (McCarthy).  When the cops prove to be ineffectual, he travels to Florida to find her and bring her before the authorities.  Naturally, she’s also wanted by a gang of criminals, which puts a definite crimp in their road trip. 

Directed by Seth Gordon (who also worked with Bateman in the much better Horrible Bosses), Identity Thief gets off to a decent start.  There is something sort of satisfying about turning the tables on someone who did you wrong, and that idea could’ve made for a pretty funny movie.  Sadly, after about a half-hour, that plotline is dropped as the film turns into a road movie with Bateman and McCarthy dodging bad guys, bounty hunters, and the police.

Most of the time, we are subjected to McCarthy’s painfully unfunny antics, which is the major dealbreaker.  The long scenes of she and Bateman driving are unbearable (especially when she sings along with the radio).  Bateman gets one or two laughs from his exasperated looks and/or throwaway insults, but he’s basically more of an audience surrogate than a real character.  It’s also a shame to see the always lovely Amanda Peet being wasted in the typical wife role.

Things really fall apart when the movie tries to make you feel sorry for McCarthy’s character.  She’s a thief and a fraud who ruined our hero’s life and all of a sudden, they expect us to sympathize with her?  There’s no way I could possibly identify with this thief.  Ha.  See what I did there?

HUNTER’S BLOOD (1986) ***

Sam Bottoms, Clu Gulager, and his hunting buddies take city boy Joey Travolta out into the woods on a deer hunting trip in this entertaining Deliverance clone.  Along the way, they anger some local rednecks in a bar and get into a brawl.  Once in the woods, they are attacked by a tribe of inbred hillbillies who use the woods as their private poaching ground.  They try to pick the hunting party off one by one until Sam digs deep and turns the tables on those backwoods loonies.

Hunter’s Blood suffers from some erratic pacing and deliberate stalling tactics.  However, the cast is so great that you can easily savor their presence even when the movie is spinning its wheels.  The villains are especially well-cast.  Any inbred crew that contains Billy Drago, Bruce Glover, and Mickey Jones is one to watch out for.  We also have the great Charles Cyphers as the ringleader who works at a meat packing plant, and there’s even Billy Bob Thornton making his film debut in a blink-and-you-miss-it appearance. 

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for Joey Travolta.  He should’ve been at least half as huge as his brother John.  He delivers a great performance as the clueless city putz who’s in way over his head. 

Sure, it may be a tad overlong, but the deaths are pretty gruesome.  Some moments resemble an Italian cannibal movie are there are severed heads, skinned bodies, and a great exploded head gag.  The scenes of Sam Bottoms going all kinds of Rambo on a bunch of character actors in the wilderness are enormously crowd-pleasing too.

Besides, how many times do you get to see Clu Gulager defending Joey Travolta’s honor from the likes of a horny Billy Drago?

Also noteworthy:  The soundtrack, which is composed by Hamilton, Joe Frank, and… uh… Weber?  Remember Hamilton, Joe Frank, and Reynolds of “Don’t Pull Your Love” fame?  Well, Reynolds must’ve pulled his love out on the band by this time in their career as he’s nowhere to be found.  Let me tell you something:  Weber is no Reynolds.  I guess Hamilton and Joe Frank COULD’VE gone on as a duo, but they realized they were nothing without that third name on the marquee.

Although the cast is packed with lots of big names, it is Ken Swofford who has the best line of the movie.  While pontificating on the importance of hunting and masculinity, he says, “A man’s gotta feel his balls!” 

WOLFMAN (1979) * ½

Colin (Earl Owensby, who also produced) receives word his long-estranged father has died.  He returns home to get his deceased dad’s affairs in order.  While staying in the house, a Satanic priest (Ed Grady) curses him to become a werewolf.  The poor dope then goes around during the full moon, changing into a wolf and killing people before eventually he and the sinister priest tangle mano y wolf-o. 

Wolfman seems like a low budget, regional, American attempt to do the same thing Paul Naschy was doing with his Waldemar Daninsky werewolf movies.  It’s a period piece with old school werewolf make-up and transformation scenes.  This wouldn’t be the worst idea if it wasn’t so fucking dull. 

The make-up design is decent.  It resembles Naschy’s werewolf, except the hair is a bit more trimmed and slicked back.  The transformation scenes aren’t bad either, but they do feel a bit rushed, so you can’t really savor them.  The attack scenes are OK too. 

So, what’s the problem?  It’s extremely slow moving.  While the wolfman shenanigans are kinda fun, they are a long time coming.  The droning soundtrack and the long-winded dialogue scenes will probably put your ass to sleep long before Owensby starts sprouting hair. 

In the meantime, you have to deal with a lot of amateurish acting.  Owensby is particularly bad in the lead.  He seems more like a slow-witted county bumpkin than a lycanthropic leading man.

Not only are the transformation scenes rushed, but so is the climax.  The big confrontation takes place in an attic where the werewolf and evil priest square off.  Naturally, the idiot chose to go toe to back paw with the guy just as the moon is on the rise.  Adding insult to injury is the fact that the moon is played by a spotlight in this scene.  You know a werewolf movie is cheap when they can’t even afford to put the actual moon in there.

Writer/director Worth Keeter (who collaborated with Owensby several more times) later went on to direct erotic thrillers like Illicit Behavior and Snapdragon.

AKA:  Wolfman:  A Lycanthrope. 

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: VALLEY GIRL (2020) **

Valley Girl is one of my favorite ‘80s teen comedies of all time.  When I heard there was going to be a musical remake, I wasn’t surprised.  I mean, that shit has been going on since Hairspray.  What I didn’t realize until I started watching it was that it doesn’t contain any original music.  Instead, the cast sing ‘80s songs that have been shoehorned into the narrative.  I guess that would be okay if it all didn’t look and feel like an overlong Old Navy commercial.

Even though it’s set in 1983, the attempts to make it feel like a period piece are generic and/or just plain wrong.  Having the movie take place the same year the original film came out was a nice touch (there’s even some brief footage from the original if you know where to look), but how come nearly half of the musical selections are from 1984 or later?  There’s even a scene where the asshole boyfriend of the piece tries to woo the Valley Girl (Jessica Rothe, from Happy Death Day) by doing a “promposal”, which if anyone who lived through the decade can attest, definitely wasn’t a thing in the ‘80s.

Also, about halfway through the movie, the songs become more and more infrequent.  It’s almost as if you can spot the exact moment the music royalties budget ran out.  It’s a shame too because when it shifts gears back into a rehash of Valley Girl, it’s nearly impossible to care about the characters since up until this point they have been portrayed with about as much depth as people in an ‘80s music video.  What made the original work so well was the colorful characters.  Here, the only thing that’s colorful about them is their wardrobe.

The plot is the same.  High school Valley Girl Julie falls for a Hollywood punk rocker named Randy (Josh Whitehouse).  Even though they are from two totally different social scenes, they manage to make their relationship work.  Eventually, peer pressure threatens to tear them apart.

One thing I did like about this version was when they sing “I Melt with You”, the theme song from the original film.  The performers are adequate, but pale in comparison to Nicolas Cage and Deborah Foreman.  Speaking of which, it was nice seeing Foreman, along with a few other stars of the original popping up in cameos.  (No Nic Cage though.)

Ultimately, it just doesn’t work.  I mean are we expected a punk rocker would sing a Madonna song at a club?  Give me a break. 

Another tip-off that the filmmakers have no idea to properly make an ‘80s movie right:  They hired Alicia Silverstone to play the all-grown-up Julie in the framing scenes.  I mean, I like Silverstone as much as the next guy, but c’mon!  She’s best known from Clueless, a film that came out in ’95.  You can’t mix ‘90s nostalgia and ‘80s nostalgia willy-nilly.  

Like, totally gag me with a spoon!

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: GUNS AKIMBO (2020) **

Skizm is the latest craze.  People watch online as two contestants battle it out to the death.  Miles (Daniel Radcliffe) is a meek internet troll who spams the Skizm message boards with comments condemning the sport.  The leader of the organization, Riktor (Ned Dennehy) tracks Miles down and forces him to be Skizm’s latest contestant by bolting guns to his hands.  To make matters worse, if Miles doesn’t kill his competitor (Samara Weaving) in twenty-four hours, Riktor will off his girlfriend (Natasha Liu Bordizzo). 

The first twenty minutes or so had me ready to abandon ship.  I have seen some annoying camerawork and erratic editing in my time, but this might’ve been the worst.  Seriously, it was like the cameraman got jacked up on Red Bull and tried to out-Sam Raimi Sam Raimi.  Meanwhile, the editor got blitzed on chocolate and Mountain Dew and cut everything to ribbons, rendering the already chaotic action sequences nearly impossible to watch. 

Thankfully, things settled down once the film entered the second act, and the rest of the action sequences were much more tolerable.  In fact, there were stretches where I thought Guns Akimbo was actually going to overcome the first act handicap and find its stride.  That was mostly due to Radcliffe’s inspired harried performance.  Unfortunately, things got increasingly dumb as the movie went down the homestretch. 

The plot (which is essentially The Running Man Meets Upgrade Meets Nerve) is already thin, and the points writer/director James Lei (Deathgasm) Howden makes are obvious at best and painfully stupid at worst.  It wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t been so in your face with the camerawork and editing.  The sequences where Howden tries to make the action resemble a video game are particularly idiotic and look like Scott Pilgrim vs. the World remade as a shoot ‘em up. 

I wanted to like it, but it was just ultimately too dumb for its own good.  How dumb?  Well, at one point, when a bad guy threatens Weaving with a hammer, they play “Super Freak” on the soundtrack.  I mean, shouldn’t they be playing “U Can’t Touch This” (you know, “Stop!  Hammer time!”) and not the song it sampled from?  That’s just a sterling example of how fundamentally misguided the whole thing is. 

THE INVISIBLE ASSASSIN (1965) **

The Invisible Assassin was written by the dynamic team of Rene Cardona Sr. and Rene Cardona Jr., with Sr. handling the directorial duties.  As much as I like the Cardona family, this is not up to snuff with their nuttier works.  It was released in America as Neutron Traps the Invisible Killers, but it doesn’t feature the character of Neutron at all.  Instead, we have “The Golden Mask”, an obvious attempt to cash in on El Santo, the Silver Masked Man if there ever was one.  It’s as if you can hear Cardona saying, “Hey son, why should we have a silver masked man in our film when we can have a GOLDEN masked man?”

A scientist invents an invisibility ray.  A madman uses the ray on himself, kills the doctor, and uh… disappears.  He then goes on a crime spree, robbing banks, stealing cars, and generally causing mayhem wherever he goes.  Eventually, he sets his sights on stalking a sexy nightclub singer.  With the police powerless to find the invisible killer, the Mexican wrestler The Golden Mask arrives on the scene to lend a hand. 

The Invisible Assassin feels more like a vehicle for Ana Bertha Lepe, who plays the nightclub singer (and is apparently playing herself) than a Mexican wrestling movie.  Cardona unwisely concentrates just as much on the nightclub performances as he does the plot.  Lepe’s song and dance numbers eat up a lot of screen time and get in the way of the Mexican wrestling and sci-fi elements.  Of the SEVEN musical numbers, the only dance sequence that’s really memorable is the one where Lepe does a seductive dance in her home.  (She even has a stripper pole installed in her living room!)

Part of the problem is The Golden Mask isn’t given much to do.  You know it’s a shame when the Mexican wrestler has to compete for screen time in his own Mexican wrestling movie.  Another problem is that the part is played by an actor (Jorge Rivero, from Werewolf) and not a real luchador.  That might explain why The Golden Mask is in only one of the three wrestling matches in the film.

The effects are low-tech, but they are surprisingly solid.  The best bits include a POV shot of the invisible man waving a gun at a teller, using lipstick to write a message on a mirror, and removing our hero’s mask when he sneaks into the ring during a wrestling match.  These moments help to keep this otherwise dreary flick from being totally forgettable.  It’s a shame that the ingenuity that was put into the special effects was absent throughout the rest of the movie. 

AKA:  Neutron Traps the Invisible Killers.  AKA:  Man in the Golden Mask vs. The Invisible Assassin.