PARTY GAMES FOR ADULTS ONLY (1984) **

This hour-long tape hosted by comedian John Byner is supposed to give you ideas for games you can play at your next cocktail party.  Really, it's more of a platform for Byner to perform a bunch of unfunny comedy bits, do bad impressions, and tell dirty limericks.  Occasionally, there’s a little T & A, and while it’s enough to earn the “Adults Only” moniker, it’s nothing that will get you hot and bothered.  For me, it was mostly of interest thanks to the participation of Up All Night’s Rhonda Shear (who plays one of the party guests) and Return of the Living Dead’s Linnea Quigley (as one of the models).  However, even their presence can’t save this VHS relic.

There isn’t a whole lot of time devoted to the actual games, which is a little odd.  In fact, more time is spent on the comedic introductions to the games than the games themselves.  Most of these set-ups play like a slightly more risqué segment of The Benny Hill Show… or perhaps filmed versions of the comic strips you’d see in Playboy.  None of them are especially funny and have predictable and/or lame punchlines, which unveil the name of the game being played. 

The games don’t look all that fun either, which is probably why so little time is spent on them.  One involves contestants blowing a ping pong ball across the room.  The other is a race where participants hold balloons in between their legs.  Not exactly “Adults Only” stuff if you ask me.  There are some semi-dirty word games too and a round of naughty charades, although the humor is more of a PG-13 variety.  There is one obligatory nude body painting game and a part where a stripper gives tassel twirling lessons, but who can afford to rent nude models and dancers for their parties?  If you're planning some "Adults Only" fun for your next shindig, you’re better off sticking with strip poker than playing any of the games mentioned here.

PINK FORCE COMMANDO (1982) **

An all-woman gang of thieves are cornered by some Nazi villains in an abandoned farmhouse.  They decide to stash the gold they’ve stolen and split up, vowing to meet up in a year’s time and divvy up their shares then.  Double-crosses, hacked-off limbs, and lots of shootouts and swordplay ensues. 

Pink Force Commando was produced by Joseph Lai, and it is one of the stranger films he ever made.  Even though it was directed by Fantasy Mission Force’s Chu Yen-Ping, it very much feels like a Godfrey Ho flick.  Whereas Ho would take two different movies and splice them together, it feels like Yen-Ping stitched together half a dozen into a patchwork quilt of WTF weirdness. 

Some may enjoy the complete lack of sense and blatant disregard for logic.  Others will marvel at the audacity of having cowgirls, one-armed swordswomen, and superheroes standing side by side and doing battle with Nazis, Klansmen, and bikers while Spaghetti Western music blares out on the soundtrack.  While it is admittedly fun for a little while, the film frequently flies off in so many different directions at once that it never settles into a rhythm.  It at all times feels like a shit-ton of movies thrown into a blender and spat back out incoherently rather than a unique, madcap, and original work of martial arts cinema. 

I can’t fault the cast.  The ladies, especially The Bride with White Hair’s Brigitte Lin (whose character has more lives than a cat) and The Killer’s Sally Yeh dig in their heels and embrace their crazy characters.  I just wish they were working with a script that had at least one foot in some semblance of reality.  I mean I’m just as surprised as you that a movie where Brigitte Lin gets a machine gun for a hand somehow manages to be something of a chore to get through. 

AKA:  Pink Force Commandos.  AKA:  Ninja Fighters.  AKA:  Pink Force.

JAZZ WARM UP TO TRACI LORDS (1990) ** ½

After gaining notoriety as an underage porn star, Traci Lords effectively parlayed her fame into a lengthy career as a well-respected B-movie actress.  Since her rise to stardom occurred around the same time as the home workout tape craze, it was only natural that she would try her hand in the already saturated marketplace.  For many fans, this was one of the only ways they could legally watch Traci in a skimpy outfit doing suggestive maneuvers on the floor. 

As a workout tape, it’s admittedly pretty weak.  Traci herself was ultimately dissatisfied with the results and re-released the tape in a re-edited format a few years later under a different title (Traci Lords:  Advanced Jazzthetics).  However, for Traci’s die-hard fans, this will be worth a look as a curio.

Traci, Scream Queen Debra Lamb, and some dude stand around on a living room set doing stretching exercises and calisthenics.  The instructions are mostly in the form of Traci giving motivational “raps”.  (“Touch your toe to your ankle, to yourself you’ll be thankful!”)  Because of that, it’s not very informative.  If you’re watching this to actually… you know… work out, you’ll probably be disappointed.  In fact, you’d be better off just following along to her movements than her instructions.  Then again, she goes through the exercises so fast that I’m sure you’ll still have some difficulty keeping up with her.  (She looks out of breath about fifteen minutes into the routine, so I’m not even sure she was using this regime on a regular basis.)  It’s also annoying when Traci yells, “CHANGE!” to change your position every thirty seconds or so.

If you’re looking for a quality workout tape, this ain’t it.  (It’s no Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout, I know that much.)  Since it features Traci in a tiny yellow sports bra and matching bikini bottom cavorting around, undulating wildly, and thrusting her hips on the floor, I’d say it’s still worth watching.  That said, there aren’t as many suggestive workout poses as I was hoping for, but there is enough rhythmic pelvic thrusting and gluteus jiggling here for it to skate by with a ** ½ rating.  

AKA:  Warm Up with Traci Lords.  AKA:  Traci Lords:  Advanced Jazzthetics. 

NUDES IN LIMBO (1983) ** ½

Nudes in Limbo is an artistic exploration of the nude form (both women and men are featured).  Director Bruce Seth Green’s aim here isn’t to titillate the audience.  He’s more concerned with seeing human body in motion.  (I can imagine this being show in both art and anatomy classes.)  It’s all shot in a very artsy manner and often looks like an ‘80s perfume ad.  In fact, the scenes of people lifting weights, working out on rowing machines, doing gymnastics, and hitting punching bags would’ve looked right at home in a Soloflex commercial if it wasn’t for the fact the models were naked.

Thanks to the ‘80s lighting, graphics, and hairstyles, it all has the feeling of one of those Electric Blue sequences played over and over again.  (Many segments feature models lying on top of giant light boxes, which kind of makes them look like they are in a tanning bed… or maybe sitting on top of a giant fax machine.)  Since it’s not especially sexy, it’s kind of hard to get too excited about it.  Even though there are many sequences crammed into the short running time (most are under a minute long), it does get rather repetitive in a hurry.

The main reason I watched it was for the participation of popular adult actresses, Scream Queens, and B-movie stars who briefly appear as figure models.  Shauna Grant, Michelle Bauer, and Linnea Quigley all appear in the buff, although they really don’t do anything particularly memorable.  Not only that, but Deadly Prey’s Ted Prior also pops up as one of the male models!

It should come as no surprise that the most successful bits are the ones that are, at the very least, vaguely sexual in nature.  The scenes of a woman standing under a stream of water and the shots of a model sensually caressing a phallic looking fluorescent light were among my favorites.  Green gives just about every nook and cranny its share of screen time too, as there are segments devoted to hands and feet in addition to all the butts and boobs. 

Even at fifty-two minutes, it all feels a bit overlong.  It probably would’ve been just right at a half-hour.  I can’t say it’s exactly boring, thanks to the acres of flesh on display.  It’s just that if it wasn’t for the participation of certain individuals, it would’ve been easy to skip.  I’m still glad I saw it.  Sort of.

Green later went on to have a long and varied career directing episodic television.      

THE INCREDIBLE PROFESSOR ZOVEK (1972) ** ½

 

Zovek was basically Mexico’s answer to Harry Houdini.  Throughout his career, he performed incredible escapes and feats of astonishing strength and agility.  He died way too young at the age of thirty-one while performing a helicopter stunt.  This was his first and only solo starring vehicle. (He starred in Invasion of the Dead with Blue Demon the next year, which proved to be his second and final film.)  He’s kind of fun to watch too.  Sometimes he’s dressed like Tonto from The Lone Ranger.  Other times he’s gussied up like a caped superhero. 

Zovek stars as himself.  He gets a premonition of a plane crash and sends his chauffeur and girlfriend to investigate.  While Zovek is busy performing his act in a dinner theater, they are kidnapped by the bad guy.  (I guess the supposedly psychic Zovek didn’t see that one coming.)  It’s then up to Zovek to rescue them before the mad doctor performs a fiendish experiment on them.

The Incredible Professor Zovek is really slow to start.  It begins with long scenes of him yelling at people and hypnotizing women, which kind of plod on and on.  The version I saw didn’t have subtitles, so I had no clue what was going on in these scenes if I am to be completely honest.  When we finally meet the villain, things pick up considerably.  It doesn’t hurt that his secret lair comes complete with a giant hypno-wheel, an open BBQ pit, and a torture dungeon filled with caged Dr. Moreau-style animal men. 

I also dug Zovek’s nightclub act.  He gets brought out on stage and is tied and chained up by guys in Lucha Libre masks while sexy women wearing bikinis and executioner hoods kiss him on the cheek before dropping him into a tank of water.  It’s not exactly great, but after watching so many wrestling scenes in Mexican horror movies, it makes for a nice change of pace. 

The fight scenes are OK, but they aren’t up to director Rene (Night of the Bloody Apes) Cardona’s usual standards.  The close-ups of the faces of the caged monsters leering from their prison bars are effective though.  The scenes of the animal men chowing down on bones is pretty cool, and the brain surgery sequence (complete with an awesome shot of a woman’s pulsating brain) is the highlight. 

So, if you can get past the talky first act, you will be treated to some decent WTF Mexican Cinema.  The last reel where Zovek has a melee with a mafia of midget monsters and duels to the death with a deranged dog man… well…  That’s the sort of shit I live for when I watch these movies.

SLAXX (2021) **

Libby (Romane Denis) is an idealistic young woman who gets a job working at a Canadian Gap knockoff store.  The place is buzzing with excitement as they have been chosen to be the site to launch a new line of jeans.  As the store goes on lockdown to prepare for the big sale, a pair of the newfangled jeans comes to life, goes crazy, and starts killing the employees. 

Slaxx is a none too subtle metaphor on corporate greed.  Companies like Starbucks always act like they’re trying to save the environment, but they’re really just trying to line their coffers by using trendy buzzwords to make themselves look saintly in the eyes of gullible millennials.  (Here, the jeans are “gender inclusive”.)  This sort of thing is an easy target, and yet the movie never finds anything to say on the matter besides the obvious.  It’s only seventy-six minutes long, so I’m sure a lot of this was just a means to pad out the running time.  However, the humor is too on the nose to really work as satire. 

Then again, what do you expect from a movie about a killer pair of jeans?  

While Slaxx isn’t exactly a hilarious send-up of the retail industry, it doesn’t quite work as a horror flick either.  All the lame jabs at corporate America would’ve went down smoother if the kills were memorable.  Most disappointing is the fact that almost all the death scenes happen offscreen.  The biggest letdown comes during a moment that seems to be building toward a big slaughter, but it cuts away before we ever get a chance to see it.  Bummer.

The most amusing bit involves the killer jeans doing a choreographed Bollywood dance routine.  If it couldn’t deliver on the gore, Slaxx really needed more of these WTF scenes to make it worthwhile.  As it is, moments like these are few and far between. I also dug the origin story that explained how the pants turned homicidal.  (It’s kind of like The Mangler, but with a pair of jeans.)   

Slaxx feels kind of like a movie Troma would make.  The only difference is, Troma would’ve made it fun (or at least gory AF).  I admire the concept.  It’s just that it stumbles hard when it tries to be About Something.  I think this would’ve made for a fun three-minute fake Grindhouse trailer.  However, even with a relatively brief running time, these slacks show wear and tear early on and become threadbare by the time everything’s all sewed up. 

HONEST THIEF (2020) *** ½

Liam Neeson stars as a bank robber who prides himself on precision and skill.  He stops his thieving ways once he meets the girl of his dreams (Kate Walsh).  He prepares to confess to his crimes and turn the money over to the Feds (he never spent a dime of the loot), in hopes of a reduced sentence so he can enter into a new chapter of his life with a clean conscience.  However, things go south when the dirty Fed (Jai Courtney) tries to take the money for himself.  There’s a scuffle, another agent winds up dead, and naturally, he puts the blame on Neeson.  Now, Neeson must go on the lam and clear his name before the Feds (both the crooked ones and the guys who are on the up-and-up) take him down. 

Honest Thief was one of those movies that played to empty theaters in the midst of the pandemic.  As much as I wanted to see it, I opted to wait and catch it at home.  Fortunately, it plays a lot better on the small screen than it probably did in an empty movie theater. 

I appreciated the fact that the pacing was deliberate, though self-assured.  The plot unfolds like a good novel, and part of the fun is seeing how, despite Neeson’s best intentions, things snowball on him and he gets deeper and deeper into trouble.  It’s a good moral dilemma.  He’s just trying to do the right thing.  However, he’s turned down by the Feds who thinks he’s just a crackpot.  Once he finally gets someone to listen, they wind up being a murderous thief.  I think we’ve all been at a moment in our lives when we try to come clean about something and it winds up blowing up in our faces, only making things much worse.  It’s kind of like that here.  Sometimes, honesty is not the best policy.  Or maybe, honesty IS the best policy, but you just have to go through a whole lot of shit to get out from under the truth. 

Walsh and Neeson are a good team.  They have enormous amounts of chemistry together, which makes them feel like a believable couple.  You truly believe Neeson’s need to confess comes from his love for her, and it’s not just a gratuitous machination of the plot (as is the case would be with so many other thrillers).  Courtney does a fine job as the single-minded agent willing to do anything to get his hands on the loot.  Robert Patrick also lends a touch of class to the proceedings as the unbelieving agent who winds up dead.  It’s Jeffrey Donovan who steals the movie as Patrick’s partner.  His character just got out of a messy divorce and wound up winning his wife's dog in the divorce settlement.  That means he brings the cute pooch along with him everywhere he goes.  It’s quirky touches like this that make Honest Thief sprier and more memorable than your average crime flick. 

The only real eye-rolls come from Neeson’s nickname, “The In and Out Bandit”.  It’s mostly there for a cheap laugh and the filmmakers run the thin joke into the ground early on.  It’s a small consolation that Neeson’s character seems to hate it as much as anyone. 

Like the main character, Honest Thief is precise, efficient, and reliable.  There’s nothing flashy about it, but it gets the job done.  Some may feel let down by the climax, which is a little low on action.  I for one thought it was a refreshing change of pace as it requires the hero to outthink his adversary and not outgun him.  There’s something to be said for that.   

AKA:  The Good Criminal.