LADY WHIRLWIND (1973) *** ½

Miss Tien (Angela Mao) arrives in town looking for Ling (Chang Yi), the man she holds responsible for her sister’s death.  Ling as it turns out, has faked his death and has devoted the last three years of his life to practicing Kung Fu so he can finally get revenge on the gangsters who control the town.  When their paths finally cross, Ling begs Tien for an opportunity to finish his vendetta.  Then, he will gladly atone for his past sins and face her in mortal combat.

Lady Whirlwind is a terrific martial arts flick that feels like a repurposed western.  Ling’s homestead kind of looks like a dude ranch, the various casinos and watering holes are obvious stand-ins for the Wild West saloons, and the Kung Fu battles and swordfights are the movie’s version of barroom brawls and gun duels.  The mutual respect that grows between Mao and Yi is also very reminiscent of aging gunslingers in a B oater.

Chang Yi makes for a good hero, but it’s Angela Mao who totally owns the movie.  Despite her star billing and prominence on the poster, she’s really the co-lead and probably gets less screen time than Yi.  However, when she is front and center, she makes her presence known as she commands the screen with her elegant charisma, her graceful physicality, and radiant beauty.

What makes Lady Whirlwind crackle is that the stuff that occurs in between the Kung Fu chaos is absorbing and entertaining.  Most movies have a love triangle.  This one has a revenge triangle.  The characters’ complicated motivations, allegiances, and loyalties are well-defined, so when they fight one another, we wind up cheering for both sides.  Those fights, it should be said, are something else.  Mao has an excellent scene where she singlehandedly takes on Sammo Hung and his gang inside a crooked casino.  The action is fast and furious, and the choreography is lightning paced. 

Lady Whirlwind is still just rough enough around the edges to make it feel a little more down-and-dirty than your average Kung Fu flick.  (It’s got some bloody fight scenes complete with eye gouging and gut ripping.)  The dubbing is terrible too, and the score blatantly steals from Diamonds are Forever, which is the sure sign you are watching some quality chopsocky.  If there is a flaw, it’s that the finale is a tad lackluster as Mao spends most of the time watching the battle from the sidelines.  Despite that, it’s a real winner.

Probably the most memorable thing about it though (aside from Angela Mao, that is) is the fact that it was released in America under the hilarious title “Deep Thrust” to capitalize on the success of Deep Throat!     

AKA:  Deep Thrust.  AKA:  Deep Thrust:  The Hand of Death. 

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN (2011) ****

Most parents think of their children as little angels, no matter how badly they behave.  Even when their kid is a little hellion, they still think the brat can do no wrong.  Or (even worse), they turn a blind eye to their kid’s antics.  

Eva (Tilda Swinton) knows her son Kevin (Ezra Miller) is a bad seed from a very early age.  The little bugger is smart too.  He acts like a little prince to everyone else and only shows his true nature to his devastated mother.  Bound by love or duty or helplessness, she is powerless to do anything as he slowly morphs into a complete psycho. 

Director Lynne Ramsey’s We Need to Talk About Kevin is the art house version of the Macauley Culkin killer kid flick, The Good Son.  We’ve seen plenty of these killer kid movies before.  What makes this one so disturbing is that Ramsey puts you so deeply rooted in Tilda’s shoes that you feel damn near every second of her anguish.  We are right there with her as she watches in horror as her son matures into a monster.

We Need to Talk About Kevin is different from so many other killer kid flicks, mostly because it is told in a nonlinear fashion.  We know things are going to go bad eventually.  It’s just a question of how and when.  Some scenes are short and fragmented, feeling like half-remembered memories.  Sometimes the horror comes less from Kevin being a bad kid and more from others perceiving her as a bad parent.  Sometimes that’s even worse.

Ramsey is the real deal.  This isn’t exactly a horror movie, but it is the most uneasy I have felt watching a movie in a long time.  It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion.  You sit there, idly watching as everything goes to hell.  The film is especially traumatizing if you’re a parent, as it adds another layer of unease to the proceedings. 

The film is anchored by a riveting performance by Swinton.  It’s also uneasy seeing John C. Reilly cast as the clueless father as he basically plays his usual self, which heightens the counterbalance between the two parents.  However, it’s the chilling performance by Miller as Kevin that makes it memorable.  He is truly evil to the core.  He has everyone around his mother snowballed into thinking he’s an All-American boy, while simultaneously taking demented glee in letting his mother know just how twisted he really is, all the while knowing she’s helpless to do anything about it.  Miller is thoroughly despicable as the sociopathic teenager, but really, all the young actors who play the character at various stages are equally great. 

SIGN ‘O’ THE TIMES (1987) ***

After Purple Rain, but before Batman, Prince made this concert movie promoting his double-album Sign ‘o’ the Times.  It’s mostly filmed performances of songs from the album, so if you’re hoping he’s just going to play the hits, you might be disappointed.  I mean, at one point he does about a minute of “Little Red Corvette” before he gets bored with it and goes onto another number.  However, Prince’s showmanship is in top form, so even if some of the songs are far from his best, he performs them with a lot of raw sexual enthusiasm, which makes it recommend. 

Not all of it works.  The attempts to make the film seem more cinematic often fall flat.  The scenes of quarreling lovers that run throughout the performances are completely unnecessary.  This narrative ultimately doesn’t amount to much and only gets in the way of the music.  They should’ve lost these sequences to make room for more classic Prince jams if you ask me.

The music, while not exactly Prince’s best, is still strong enough to carry the movie.  He opens with a rip-roaring rendition of the title tune, and “Hot Thing”, “Housequake”, “If I Was Your Girlfriend”, and “I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man” are all entertaining.  The highlight though is when Prince is joined by Sheena Easton for a duet of “U Got the Look”.  It’s little more than a glorified music video (it occurs while Prince is daydreaming in his dressing room), but the chemistry between them is electric and the song is a straight-up banger as the kids say nowadays.

The rest of the songs are sort of forgettable.  Still, it’s interesting to see how creatively Prince is able to fuse various genres like rock, gospel, funk, and disco into a broad musical tapestry.  That to me, is a sign ‘o’ a legendary performer.

AKA:  Prince:  Sign ‘o’ the Times.  AKA:  Prince Tonite. 

FIGHT FOR SURVIVAL (1981) ***

Judging from the bland title and the unoriginal opening, I thought this was going to another forgettable Kung Fu flick.  Boy, was I wrong.  This one is a lot of fun.  It will surprise you in more ways than one. 

Some thieves steal a sacred Kung Fu text from a Shaolin temple and kill the abbot.  Time passes, and a young girl, miffed that the Shaolin temple does not allow women into their ranks, teams up with her uncle to kick their ass.  They then reach a compromise:  If she retrieves the book from the vicious gang, she will be allowed entrance.  So, her uncle begins teaching her the art of “positive Kung Fu”, which has one side effect:  It turns her into a man!  (Complete with mustache!) 

So, not only to we have a feminist Kung Fu movie, we also have one that acts as a trans allegory (crude as it may be) as our heroine is a woman trapped in a man’s body (albeit temporarily).  This is why I watch so many seemingly ordinary Kung Fu flicks.  You never know when you’re going to get one that is this progressive. 

In addition to swapping genders, the book also gives the user the ability to acquire many skills that are rarely seen in martial arts movies.  Throughout the film, the heroine uses Go-Go Gadget Legs and Mr. Fantastic arms to defeat her enemies.  Other gimmicked fight scenes include fighters who use poison, can become invisible, and take on animal characteristics. 

The book also apparently gave the composer the ability to steal music from the 1933 version of King Kong.

Fight for Survival (which also goes by the infinitely more awesome title, Kung Fu Halloween) doesn’t stay on one subject for very long as it’s constantly hopping from one nutty premise to another.  Although this can get a little frustrating at times, it’s certainly never boring.  It’s not perfect by any means (the heroine’s two bumbling sidekicks are annoying), but it’s unique, memorable, and a lot of fun. 

AKA:  The Fight for Shaolin Tamo Mystique.  AKA:  Don’t Bleed on Me.  AKA:  Kung Fu Halloween.  AKA:  Lady Wu Tang.  AKA:  Shaolin Tamo Systique. 

ANGEL’S MISSION (1990) ***

Angel’s Mission is another one of those Godfrey Ho cut-and-paste jobs.  It’s all over the place and rarely makes sense, but it moves like a freight train and contains some primo ass-kicking.  I’m pretty sure Ho had nothing to do with that though as he probably stole those scenes from a completely different movie.  Nevertheless, I kind of dug it.

The opening scene is strong.  A guy makes a deal with a duo of shady thieves, exchanging some stolen jewelry for a duffle bag full of money.  They try to double-cross him by calling on a bunch of machine gun-toting heavies as back-up, but luckily, he just so happens to have a giant Rambo-style gun that he uses to even the score. 

From there, we follow a Japanese policewoman who comes to Hong Kong to bust up a drug and prostitution racket.  This lady cop offers some of the best moments in the movie.  Among the highlights is the sequence where she shows up a bunch of students at a karate school who assume she can’t fight just because she’s a woman.  Another memorable scene comes when a dealer threatens to throw some drugs down the toilet, which he doesn’t realize is out of order.  There’s also a completely random attack by dudes wielding machetes. 

We get many WTF moments along the way to help ensure Angel’s Mission’s place among the highest rungs on the Godfrey Ho ladder.  One such sequence is the hilarious coed strip show.  (The strip club must be an equal opportunity employer.)  Then there’s the fact that nearly half the score is music stolen from the Re-Animator soundtrack.  Even more random is the scene where a guy gives a slideshow showcasing women who are afflicted with AIDS!

Look, I got my first dose of Moderna the day I watched Angel’s Mission, so it’s very possible I imagined like half of this.  I might be able to tell you what happened in this movie, but I’ll be damned if I can tell you what it was about.  Stuff just sorta happens without rhyme or reason.  Thankfully, the stuff that does happen is often badass as there are lots of John Woo-style slow-motion gunfights and energetic fight choreography. 

There might’ve also been a subplot about smuggling cocaine in watermelons, although it’s entirely possible I hallucinated that part as well.

In short, Angel’s Mission doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it does offer up a reasonable amount of fun.  If anything, the hilarious dubbed dialogue alone will have you LOL’ing.  Among my favorite lines:

“You’re just a horny old maid!” 

“Boss… we failed!  He’s one tough hombre!” 

“How dare you bring a pussycat into my bed!” 

The best line comes when a guy tries to bang his girlfriend in an alley and she protests, “Alleys are for gang fights!”

AKA:  Fighting Angel:  Born to Fight 5.  AKA:  Kicking Buddha.   AKA:  Born to Fight.  AKA:  Born to Fight 2.  

COMMON-LAW CABIN (1967) ** ½

Dewey (Jackie Moran) makes his living running a cabin for tourists out on the Colorado river where he lives with his blossoming teenage daughter Coral (Adele Rein) and a sexy French maid named Babette (Babette Bardot).  His latest crop of vacationers includes a cuckold doctor (John Furlong), his sexed-up wife (Alaina Capri), and a mysterious man (Ken Swofford) with a briefcase full of money.  When their drunken tour guide (Frank Bolger) runs off with the boat, the guests are stranded at the cabin where their passions eventually collide. 

Common-Law Cabin is full of director Russ Meyer’s hallmarks as there is plenty of hardboiled narration, scenes of big-bosomed, sex-starved women communing with nature, and rapid-fire editing.  In fact, Meyer’s rapid-fire style is a bit too rapid in this one.  The movie zips around so much that it often rushes through the plot at such a breathless place that it’s sometimes hard to get your bearings.  It almost feels like he tossed out whole sections of the narrative in favor of keeping the cutting going (especially towards the end).  Honestly, it probably would’ve worked better with a more gradual build-up and a less frenetic pay-off.

It’s also more of a pressure cooker drama than an out-and-out sexploitation flick as it deals with characters with pent-up passions, sexual frustrations, and deadly curiosities that are bursting at the seams.  The cabin itself is basically a microcosm of society, and the characters are reflections of how Meyer views the beast that is Man.  They are either good and righteous, weak and spineless, or duplicitous and crooked.  The women, of course, are all generously endowed and oversexed. 

Common-Law Cabin is one of Meyer’s lesser films, but it’s not without its charms, if you can get past the cast of mostly unlikeable characters, that is.  There are some real odd moments along the way that still makes it worth watching, like a water fight that turns deadly.  (I’m sure I’ve never seen that in a movie before.)  It’s also packed with some funny, hateful dialogue that positively crackles.  My favorite exchange being:

Husband:  “Don’t pant!  It’s an animal trait!”

Wife:  “Must be the bitch in me, dear!”

AKA:  How Much Loving Does a Normal Couple Need?

 

FRANKENSTEIN’S GREAT AUNT TILLIE (1984) ½ *

Donald Pleasence (stuck wearing a lousy wig) stars in this excruciating horror-comedy as Dr. Frankenstein’s distant relative, Victor.  Destitute, with nowhere to turn, he and his family members travel to his ancestral castle to look for the good doctor’s hidden treasure.  Meanwhile, the Burgomaster (Aldo Ray) and the town elders want to evict the lot of them, foreclose on the castle, and seize the property (and the gold) for themselves.  It’s only a matter of time before Victor and company resurrect the Frankenstein monster to help them recover the loot.

Normally in a motion picture, scenes flow together sequentially to advance the plot.  Here, the scenes seemingly go around in circles.  To make matters worse, this alleged comedy isn’t funny at all.  (Pleasence and his family live in the village of “Mucklefugger”, which tells you the level of inanity we’re talking about.)  It doesn’t help that the sound is poor, and the accents are thick, so when there is a punchline, it’s hard to tell what was even said. 

Frankenstein’s Great Aunt Tillie was made in ’84, but it’s so crude looking that it feels like a lost movie from the ‘60s.  It’s also borderline incomprehensible as it never stays on one particular plot point for very long.  It’s almost as if someone took an entire season of a television show and whittled it down to a hundred-minute movie.  Because of that, just when you think it’s about to wrap things up, it starts right back up again in an endless loop of nearly unwatchable nonsense. 

For example, when the movie is over, there’s a ten-minute epilogue of unrelated scenes (one including Pleasence selling snake oil) that go on way too long.  The title card that accompanies the epilogue even admits these scenes are nothing more than “Odds and Ends”.  Additionally, the film opens with a title card that reads, “A hundred years later…” but we never get to see what happened a hundred years before!

I guess it wouldn’t matter if the movie was actually funny, but it’s simply a mind-numbing affair any way you slice it.  The only part that had potential was the parody of the scene from Frankenstein where the monster drowns a little girl.  However, it winds up devolving into an unfunny Benny Hill-style chase scene involving her sexed-up older sisters.  (One of whom is named “Horny”.)  I won’t even mention the scene where Donald appears in drag.

Just when you think it can’t get any weirder, Zsa Zsa Gabor shows up in a cameo.  It’s only a brief scene; a montage in which she has no dialogue.  I’m sure she was glad about that.  Aldo, Donald, and Zsa Zsa have made some bad movies before, but this might be all three stars’ career low point, which is really saying something. 

I guess I should mention that Miguel Angel Fuentes plays the monster.  He and Pleasence were also in the awful The Puma Man together.  Here’s the kicker, folks:  The Puma Man looks downright Shakespearean compared to this!