THE 15TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: THE TECHNICAL AWARDS

Well, folks.  The 15th Annual Video Vacuum Awards are nearly upon us.  As is the tradition, before the festivities begin, we start by handing out The Technical Awards.  Sometimes, I don’t watch enough movies in a certain genre to justify creating an entire competitive award category.  So, what I like to do is give these awards to upstanding motion pictures that deserve the recognition on a technicality, regardless to whether or not I watched many films in that genre.  Without further ado, here are the winners of The 15th Annual Video Vacuum Technical Awards.

WORST ACTION MOVIE

(WINNER) Those Who Wish Me Dead

(RUNNER-UP) Prisoners of the Ghostland

BEST COMEDY

(WINNER) Coming 2 America 

(RUNNER-UP) Don’t Look Up

WORST COMIC BOOK MOVIE

(WINNER) Eternals

BEST DIRECTOR’S CUT

(WINNER) Rocky IV:  Rocky vs. Drago

(RUNNER-UP) Zack Snyder’s Justice League 

WORST DIRECT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE

(WINNER) Cosmic Sin

(RUNNER-UP) Paranormal Activity:  Next of Kin

BEST DOCUMENTARY

(WINNER) The Sparks Brothers

(RUNNER-UP) Kid 90

BEST DRAMA

(WINNER) Pig

(RUNNER-UP) Licorice Pizza

WORST DRAMA

(WINNER) Cry Macho

BEST HOTEL (FORMERLY THE BEST WESTERN)

(WINNER) Death Rider in the House of Vampires

BEST KIDS MOVIE

(WINNER) Space Jam:  A New Legacy

WORST KIDS MOVIE

(WINNER) Tom and Jerry

WORST MOVIE BASED ON A TV SHOW

(WINNER) Tom and Jerry

BEST MOVIE BASED ON A VIDEO GAME

(WINNER) Mortal Kombat

BEST NICOLAS CAGE MOVIE

(WINNER) Pig

WORST NICOLAS CAGE MOVIE

(WINNER) Willy’s Wonderland 

(RUNNER-UP) Prisoners of the Ghostland

BEST REMAKE

(WINNER) Mortal Kombat

(RUNNER-UP) Godzilla vs. Kong

WORST REMAKE

(WINNER) Dune

WORST SEQUEL

(WINNER) Paranormal Activity:  Next of Kin

(RUNNER-UP) Halloween Kills

BEST THRILLER

(WINNER) The Little Things 

INFERNO (1998) ***

This week, I had the pleasure of being on The Direct to Video Connoisseur Podcast discussing two of my favorite directors, Jim Wynorski and Fred Olen Ray.  The two main features up for discussion were Wynorksi’s The Return of Swamp Thing and Ray’s Don “The Dragon” Wilson actioner, Inferno.  Our chat can be found here:  DTVC Podcast 94 "Inferno" and "The Return of Swamp Thing" (talkshoe.com)

Inferno has the distinction of being the first American movie filmed exclusively in India.  Thanks to the local color, it looks a little bit classier than your typical Don “The Dragon” Wilson actioner produced by Roger Corman.  It also helps that it was directed in a no-nonsense manner by Fred Olen Ray, who keeps the action moving along at a steady clip.  

Wilson stars as a cop whose partner (Rick Hill) gets blown up by bad guy Evan Lurie.  The fact that Wilson is taken off the case doesn’t stop him from going all the way to India to track Lurie down.  Don eventually learns his partner faked his death to steal a computer program he can use to rip off banks for millions of dollars.  It’s then up to “The Dragon” to get payback and kick some ass.  

Inferno is in that classic Stranger in a Strange Land mold of action flick where the hero finds himself in another country, thumbs his nose at the local cops, and sets out to exact his very American idea of justice.  You know, the kind where the hero gets picked up by the cops after a major fight scene and is set down in front of the Yelling Police Captain who says stuff like, “I want you on the first plane back to America!”  You know, the whole Final Justice sort of thing.

Wilson does what he does best, namely kick fools in the face.  Evan Lurie is entertaining as the slimy villain.  I’m used to seeing him play loveable lunkhead kinds of roles, so it was a nice surprise to see him pull off such a villainous character with ease.  It’s also fun seeing Ray drawing from his usual pool of talent, as he was able to secure the presence of such beauties as Jillian Kesner and Tane McClure, who is involved in the Skinamax-style gratuitous sex scenes.  (This is a Fred Olen Ray picture, after all.)  I also got a kick out of seeing cinematographer Gary Graver and even Ray himself, popping up in incidental roles.  

The action is staged solidly for the most part.  What the fights and shootout lack in panache, they more than make up for in frequency.  I also liked the way it incorporated many plot elements from several Bond movies.  There’s a kingpin with a wild child daughter who falls for the hero (like On Her Majesty’s Secret Service), the hero performing a fake-out assassination (like The Living Daylights), the hero’s best friend faking his own death and becoming the main villain (like Goldeneye), and big fight scenes that take place in Indian marketplaces (like Octopussy).  

Overall, it’s a shade better than your average Bloodfist movie.  

AKA:  Operation Cobra.  AKA:  Indian Ninja. 

THE DAY OF THE BEAST (1995) ** ½

Alex Angulo stars as Father Cura, a seemingly meek priest who figures out the exact date the Antichrist will be born.  (Wouldn’t you know it?  It’s Christmas Eve!)  He then sets out on a quest to commit as many sins as possible so he can renounce God and invoke Satan.  Once he finally has drawn the Devil out, the priest can kill the Antichrist.  Along the way, he gains assistance from a beefy metalhead (Santiago Segura) and a charlatan TV psychic (Armando de Razza) who aid him in his goal of stopping the Apocalypse.

The Day of the Beast is a strange, sometimes charming, sometimes frustrating experience.  Director Alex de la Iglesia (who would go on to make the classic Dance with the Devil) laces the film with a satirical edge as he pokes fun at the church and the media in equal measure.  Some of this is amusing, but the movie spins off on one too many tangents and/or side quests that really prevent it from kicking into overdrive.  

One thing you can say for The Day of the Beast is that it’s unpredictable.  You never quite know what zany misadventure our priest hero will get himself into, and you’re never sure how exactly he’ll get himself out of it.  That’s part of the fun.  There are times when it resembles a Terry Gilliam movie as its madcap characters continually run into one oddball predicament after another.  Unfortunately, it can’t keep up the energy of the early scenes, as the flick slowly sort of peters out before the climax.  The final confrontation also leaves a little something to be desired, but there’s enough blackly humorous moments and strange goings-on here to keep you invested more often than not.

It helps that the three leads have a lot of chemistry together.  Angulo is fun to watch as he slowly morphs from a man of the cloth to a bumbling Bible-thumping, shotgun-toting avenger.  Segura is also good as the loyal, but lowbrow sidekick.  De Razza has some fun moments too as the fake TV psychic who eventually comes around to the idea of fighting evil for real.  

SINISTER CINEMA CLASSIC HORROR TRAILERS VOLUME 1 (199?) ***

After watching a bunch of horror trailer compilations from Something Weird, I decided to make a slight pivot and watch a horror trailer compilation from Sinister Cinema.  It looks like they released six volumes of trailers back in the late ‘90s, although I couldn’t quite pin down the exact date this one came out.  If anyone has an idea, let me know in the comments below.  

Things kick off with a great run of Vincent Price/Edgar Allan Poe adaptations (plus one from Nathaniel Hawthorne).  In fact, Price fans will undoubtedly love this collection as it is chockful of trailers for Price films including The Oblong Box, Cry of the Banshee, and Dr. Phibes Rises Again.  Christopher Lee is also well-represented as he is seen in ads for The Face of Fu Manchu, The Crimson Cult, and Night of the Blood Monster (perhaps better known as The Bloody Judge).  Peter Cushing also pops up numerous times (usually alongside Lee) in such trailers as The Skull, The Creeping Flesh, and Horror Express.  As a bonus, we even get the two most famous Alfred Hitchcock trailers (Psycho and The Birds… although the one for Psycho is from the rerelease).  The collection ends on a fun note with trailers for comedies such as Young Frankenstein, Old Dracula, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

This is a pretty strong compilation through and through.  While I would’ve liked to seen a few trailers that featured some gore, nudity, or more sensationalized ad campaigns (although I did like the funny tagline for House of Dark Shadows:  “Come and see how the vampires do it!”), when all was said and done, I had to admit I had a fun time.  I will most certainly track down more trailer compilations from Sinister Cinema at some point in the near future.

The complete line-up includes:  House of Usher, The Pit and the Pendulum, Tales of Terror, The Premature Burial, Twice-Told Tales, The Haunted Palace, The Terror, The Raven, The Skull, Blood of the Vampire, Psycho (the rerelease trailer), Jack the Ripper, Peeping Tom, Black Sunday, Burn, Witch, Burn, The Birds, Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory, Horror Hotel, The Face of Fu Manchu, The Fearless Vampire Killers, The Conqueror Worm (AKA:  Witchfinder General), The Crimson Cult (AKA:  Curse of the Crimson Altar), The Oblong Box, The Dunwich Horror, a double feature of The Crimson Cult and Horror House, Blood of Dracula's Castle, a spook show attraction ad, Count Yorga, Vampire, Cry of the Banshee, House of Dark Shadows, Night of the Blood Monster (AKA:  The Bloody Judge), The Abominable Dr. Phibes, Werewolves on Wheels, The Return of Count Yorga, The Velvet Vampire, Murders in the Rue Morgue, I, Monster, Frankenstein's Bloody Terror, The Creeping Flesh, The Castle of Fu Manchu, Son of the Blob (AKA:  Beware! The Blob), Blacula, Dr. Phibes Rises Again, Horror Express, Vault of Horror, Theatre of Blood, The Wicker Man, And Now the Screaming Starts!, Scream, Blacula, Scream!, The Beast Must Die, Young Frankenstein, Old Dracula, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

TRAILERS #8: HORROR/GORE/TRASH (1992) ***

Something Weird strikes again with another solid collection of horror trailers.  While this one suffers from some trailers that appeared in other Something Weird compilations (especially the Blood-O-Rama Shock Show collection), there are still plenty of trailers here that I hadn’t seen before, which makes it highly recommended.  In fact, the jaw-dropping trailer for the insane looking Boy God made sitting through many of the overly familiar previews worthwhile.  I’m going to have to track that one down at some point.  It’s discoveries like this that makes watching these compilations so much fun.  

This installment kicks off with a bunch of trailers for sleazy fare such as Three on a Meathook, The Corpse Grinders, and The Undertaker and His Pals.  Along the way, we get a nice sampling of Euro-Horror (Torso, Beyond the Door, Deep Red, and The Devil’s Nightmare) and trashy favorites (Africa Blood and Guts, Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS, Night of the Bloody Apes, and Xtro) before the focus shifts to Kung Fu (The Crippled Masters, Fist of Fear, Touch of Death, Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave, and Soul Brothers of Kung Fu).  Naturally, there are also trailers for defining classics of the horror genre (Black Christmas, Last House on the Left, Suspiria, and The Evil Dead) sprinkled in there as well.  

Altogether, this compilation gives you your money’s worth when it comes to sleazy horror trailers.  Sure, there are some repeated trailers from other collections (most notably, the Herschell Gordon Lewis trailers and the ubiquitous ad for the “Orgy of the Living Dead” Triple Feature crops up yet again), but they are all enormously entertaining for the most part.  Even if it may be a little much for one sitting, it would definitely make for great background noise at your next Halloween party.  

The full line-up of trailers includes:  Three on a Meathook, The Corpse Grinders, The Undertaker and His Pals, Love Me Deadly, Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things, The Maniacs Are Loose! (AKA:  The Thrill Killers) Cannibal Girls, Torso, a double feature of The Blood Spattered Bride and I Dismember Mama, The Ghastly Ones, The Wizard of Gore, Beyond the Door, Deep Red, Sisters, The Devil's Nightmare, The House of Exorcism (AKA:  Lisa and the Devil), Lady Frankenstein, Flesh Feast, Tales from the Crypt, The Vault of Horror, Horror of the Zombies (AKA:  The Ghost Galleon), Bloodeaters (AKA:  Toxic Zombies), The Orgy of the Living Dead Triple Feature:  Revenge of the Living Dead, Curse of the Living Dead, and Fangs of the Living Dead, The Diabolical Dr. Z, Africa Blood and Guts (AKA:  Africa, Addio), Night of Bloody Horror, Black Christmas (under the alternate title, Silent Night, Evil Night), The Mutations (AKA:  The Freakmaker), The House That Screamed, Blood and Lace, Two Thousand Maniacs!, God Told Me To, Horror on Snape Island (AKA:  Tower of Evil), Wildcat Women (Black Loita), Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS), Sacrifice! (AKA:  Man from Deep River), The Last House on the Left, Carnage (AKA:  A Bay of Blood), Color Me Blood Red, Mad Doctor of Blood Island, Silent Night, Bloody Night, Bloody Pit of Horror, Night of the Bloody Apes, Frankenstein's Great Aunt Tillie, Boy God, The Yesterday Machine, The Tongfather, The Black Cat, The Crippled Masters, Xtro, Massacre at Central High, Slithis, Women in Cell Block 7, Fist of Fear, Touch of Death, Midnight, Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave, Pay or Die, Dracula vs. Frankenstein, Black Dragon vs. Yellow Tiger, Suspiria, Dracula A.D. 1972, The Evil Dead, The Human Tornado, The Legend of the Wolf Woman, The People Who Own the Dark, and Soul Brothers of Kung Fu.

HEY FOLKS, IT’S INTERMISSION TIME (1993) ***

After watching a bunch of trailer compilations, I decided to spice things up a bit and check out this great compilation from Something Weird featuring nearly two hours of drive-in intermission ads, announcements, and interstitials.  If you’ve ever been to a drive-in, you’ll know that these old-timey concession stand commercials that played in between the double feature are just about as much fun as watching the trailers.  

Some of my favorite moments are the “Ten Minutes to Showtime” ads that count down the time until the next featured attraction.  The animation segments are often amusing, and the narration is oddly soothing.  In between the short animations are commercials hawking the concession stand’s wares, including hot dogs, hamburgers, barbeque sandwiches, cigarettes (!), candy, and (what else?) popcorn!  Other commercials include the memorable ad of an animated alien going to the concession counter and a funny ad for the mosquito repellant Pic.  I also enjoyed the ads condemning the switch over to daylight savings time (which is a real drag for drive-in owners) and the explanation of the early (and outdated) ratings system.  

As much fun as most of this is, I have to say that it is possible to get too much of a good thing.  Eventually, the endless shots of hot dogs and hamburgers gets a little repetitive after a while.  While I love drive-in ads as much as the next guy, I must admit that something like this works best in small doses.  Because of that, I recommend watching it in ten-or-twenty-minute chunks before a movie to recreate the drive-in experience.  That caveat aside, Hey Folks, It’s Intermission Time is a real treat for drive-in enthusiasts.  Although the running time can be a little unwieldy, I’m certainly glad there are so many wonderful oddball commercials and concession stand ads collected into one place.  

STARHOPS (1978) * ½

Jerry (Dick Miller) is a cook who’s on the verge of losing his drive-in diner.  Frustrated, he sells the business to his waitresses Angel (Jillian Kesner from Firecracker) and Cupcake (Sterling Fraizer) for a song.  Along with the help of a French chef (Dorothy Buhrman), they entice customers by wearing skimpy Wonder Woman-inspired outfits.  Trouble brews when the head of an oil company (Al Hopson) wants to tear the place down and put up an “automated gas station of the future”.

Directed by Barbara (Humanoids from the Deep) Peeters and written by Stephanie (director of Terminal Island) Rothman, Starhops clings to the reliable cliché of having a couple of hot women using their sex appeal to drum up customers at a failing business.  While this is an ideal premise, it’s all much too tame for it to work.  It’s all tease and no please.  That would’ve been okay if there were some laughs to be had, but the humor is all juvenile and dumb.  

It also doesn’t help that there’s not enough plot here for an entire feature.  Because of that, Peeters has to pad things out with a gratuitous montage of people roller-skating (which looks like it came out of a completely different movie), a long disco nightclub scene (which features some prototypical breakdancing), and comically long scenes of the sun rising and setting.  (Not to mention the fact that they play the annoying “Starhops” theme song in every other scene.)  The flick was edited by Steven Zallian, and if those seemingly endless and pointless scenes are any indication, it’s a good thing that he eventually quit his day job as an editor and went into screenwriting as he would go on to win an Oscar for Best Screenplay for Schindler’s List. 

The cast do what they can with the limp material.  Kesner and Frazier are likeable, but they just can’t carry the entire movie on their looks alone.  It was fun seeing Peter (Ghoulies) Liapis as the klutzy love interest and Matthew (director of Freeway) Bright as an annoying customer though.  It was also a shame that Miller didn’t have more to do.  Once his grouchy character exits the picture (which is pretty early on), things quickly go downhill from there.

AKA:  Curb Service.