M3GAN (2023) ****

Thanks to some truly awesome trailers, M3GAN has arrived in theaters fully formed as the next great horror icon.  Before the film even premiered, the normally fickle horror movie community had embraced M3GAN as her dance numbers and catchphrases had gone viral.  Our household was no different.  We have been stoked to see it for months.  My daughter was so excited for it that she made M3GAN buttons for our family and friends to wear opening night.  

Let’s just say M3GAN did not disappoint.  In fact, it’s fair to say, it exceeded our already lofty expectations.  I already want to see it again.  

Right out of the gate, from the very first frame, director Gerard (Housebound) Johnstone had the sold-out audience eating from the palm of his hand.  I haven’t heard such rapturous applause from an opening scene since The Phantom Menace on opening night.  For the next hundred minutes or so, there were several instances of howling, laughter, screams, and clapping.  The movies are back, baby. 

Allison Williams stars as Gemma, a toymaker who must care for her orphaned niece, Cady (Violet McGraw).  Since she’s no good with kids, Gemma pawns off her latest creation, the eerily lifelike, artificially intelligent robot doll, M3GAN (herself) on the grieving kid.  Once they are paired, M3GAN exceeds the confines of her programming to terminate all those who may cause Cady harm, even if that means ripping ears off, power washing faces at close range, or chopping people up. 

M3GAN, like the titular character, is a movie that does everything it’s programmed to do and then some.  It very much knows what it is and has no qualms delivering exactly what its audience came to see.  It stays in its lane and keeps its foot on the gas the entire running time.  Plus, it doesn’t hurt that it has a wicked sense of humor to match its funhouse/rollercoaster-style thrills.  

Chucky better watch his back.

TUBI CONTINUED… CAPTIVE FACTORY GIRLS 2: THE REVOLT (2007) ***

The fact that I have not seen (or heard) of Captive Factory Girls did in no way stop me from checking out Captive Factory Girls 2:  The Revolt.  I mean, it’s called Captive Factory Girls 2:  The Revolt.  What more did you need to know?  

Luckily for me, things begin with a quick recap of the first movie.  It seems that women in prison are given work release at a steel factory where they are constantly groped by the scummy security guards.  As it turns out, the prisoners are unwittingly making parts for guns and weapons and shit.  

So, let’s see… we have girls… who are captive… in a factory… I guess we’re all up to speed on Part 1.  I’d lay even odds that in this one there will be a revolt of some kind (possibly in the last act).    

Anyway, a young girl is trying to pay off her boyfriend’s debt by working in a nightclub.  When she refuses to put out for a fat cat customer, she is sent to the steel factory to settle the debt.  There, she must contend with volatile co-workers and rapist guards.  When one of the girls escape, she leaves behind a detailed plan for the other inmates to follow.  But is it truly a way out, or is it a trap set by the sadistic warden? 

I appreciate when a Women in Prison movie tries to do something a little different than the typical genre flick.  Most likely, the filmmakers didn’t “TRY” to do anything different.  They probably couldn’t afford a prison location, so they settled on a steel factory instead.  

Captive Factory Girls 2:  The Revolt is just over an hour long, and it moves like lightning, which are both good things when you’re trying to watch 365 movies on Tubi in 365 days.  However, it kind of comes up short in the sleaze department, which is kind of essential in a Women in Prison flick.  Most of the titillation comes in the form of a lot of close-ups of workers’ heaving, sweaty cleavage as they toil away in the factory.  We also get a couple of shower scenes and hot tub sequences, although all the naughty bits are strategically covered up.  At least there is a decent wet t-shirt catfight. 

The big escape sequence is well-executed on a small budget.  It also manages to be rather exciting, given the limited means and locations at the filmmakers’ disposal.  It might not be a sterling example of a Women in Prison movie, but it distinguishes itself in enough ways to make it a worthy entry in the genre.

JANUA-RAY: BODY FEVER (1969) **

(Originally reviewed October 10th, 2021)

Ray Dennis Steckler stars as a down on his luck private eye who’s hiding out from finance companies coming to collect on his many debts.  He gets a job from some shady customers to find a cat burglar (Steckler’s real-life wife and frequent leading lady, Carolyn Brandt) who ripped off a sweaty underworld boss (Bernard Fein).  Once Steckler finally tracks her down, she offers to cut him in for half of the stolen loot.  

Body Fever resembles a “real” movie, which is more than I can say for many other Steckler joints.  However, that ramshackle homemade quality is usually the most endearing aspect of his films.  As it is, it’s a relatively straightforward, albeit completely forgettable throwback to the detective genre of the ‘40s and ‘50s.

Steckler must’ve thought his performance was noteworthy because he is billed under his real name and not his usual “Cash Flagg” pseudonym.  He is sorely miscast as a hardboiled private detective, but his goofy aloofness at the very least makes the cliched detective sequences watchable.  Al Adamson regular Gary Kent also appears as a tough guy, as does Coleman Francis, who has a bit part.  (Legend has it, he was added to the cast after production wrapped when Steckler found Francis lying drunk and broke in the gutter.)  

If anything, Body Fever is proof that Steckler could produce a competently put-together movie.  It’s just that without a Z grade premise or title (as was the case with The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies), it’s all rather forgettable.  The occasional glimpse of nudity portends Steckler’s eventual career turn into porn.  It definitely needed more than a few quick snippets of skin to elevate it into something recommended, but as far as Steckler’s films go, you can do a whole lot worse.

AKA:  Super Cool.  AKA:  Deadlocked.  AKA:  The Last Original B Movie.

JANUA-RAY NOTES:  

1) Body Fever is an atypical Ray Dennis Steckler movie, which, of course, makes it a typical Ray Dennis Steckler movie.  I appreciate the fact that Steckler dabbles in different genres from picture to picture (this time out, it’s an old timey detective story), but that doesn’t necessarily make it good.

2) Director Signatures:  Because this is a largely different Steckler film, his signatures aren't that overt, but we still see traces of an influence from TV’s Batman (Brandt’s cat burglar get-up is obviously inspired by Catwoman, just as Rat Pfink a Boo Boo were inspired by Batman and Robin), long chase scenes, and one character remarks Steckler looks like “the dummy from The Bowery Boys”, a nod to his role in The Lemon Grove Kids.  

3) Steckler’s Stock Player Round-Up:  Ray Dennis Steckler, Carolyn Brandt, Gary Kent, Coleman Francis, Herb Robins, Ron Haydock, Liz Renay, Brick Bardo, and Steckler’s daughters, Laura and Linda.

4) Shameless Self-Promotion:  A poster for Wild Guitar is seen hanging in Steckler’s office.

5) While Body Fever isn’t one of Steckler’s best, it is competently put together and holds your attention, even if it is missing the fun and camp of his earlier efforts. 

THE MENU (2022) ****

If The Menu was made fifty years earlier, it would’ve starred Vincent Price.  It is kindred spirits with classic Price vehicles like The Mad Magician and (especially) Theater of Blood.  It is a story about how someone in the public eye (in this case, a world renown chef) finally snaps and goes after his critics, patrons, and the scummy rich with a vengeance.  It’s not overly horrific or anything, but it has a wicked sense of black humor that I’m sure Price would’ve appreciated. 

Ralph Fiennes stars as the chef, who lures his high-paying customers to his remote island restaurant with the promise of a meal they won’t forget.  He is clearly relishing the chance to chew the scenery (this review is going to have a lot of food puns, fair warning).  Fiennes doesn’t go over the top or anything, but the twinkle in his eye while he dishes out his revenge says it all. 

At its heart, The Menu is a movie about class warfare.  Food has always been an apt metaphor in these kinds of films.  While some of it is a bit on the nose and/or predictable, director Mark Mylod never steps false once, and serves up each shock and surprise with panache. 

Fiennes gives a delicious performance, but Anya Taylor-Joy is every bit his match as a customer who finds herself at the wrong restaurant at the wrong time.  The other assorted customers are a lot of fun to watch as well.  Nicholas Hoult is appropriately smarmy as an obsessive foodie, Janet McTeer is aces as a snobby food critic, and John Leguizamo looks to be having a blast playing a washed-up movie star.  Hon Chau is also quite intimidating as the head server who knows how to keep her customers in line.  

If you’ve ever worked in the service industry, you’ll feel some moments of painful recognition here.  As one such person, I got a kick out of seeing chefs and servers giving their annoying customers their just desserts.  I haven’t applauded during a film in a long time, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t clap when Fiennes screamed, “NO FUCKING SUBSTITUTIONS!”  

For a brief, shining moment, I felt seen.

TUBI CONTINUED… EVEN DWARFS STARTED SMALL (1971) ***

After spending the first couple days of this year-long column watching crap like Terror Train 2, After School Special, and Amityville Karen, I wanted to desperately switch gears and check out something by a distinguished director.  In this case, the great Werner Herzog.  That’s the beauty of Tubi.  They have just about every kind of movie imaginable at your disposal.  It’s that kind of diverse programming that I hope to feature throughout this column. 

Little people on a prison farm in the middle of nowhere stage an uprising when the warden takes an inmate hostage.  They retaliate by cutting the phone wire and proceed to overrun the place.  When they’re not busy trying to rescue their pal, the delinquent dwarfs spend their downtime stealing trucks and motorcycles, getting into food fights, holding cockfights, and generally making a ruckus. 

Only a guy like Herzog could make a movie like this.  It basically feels like a cross between Freaks and Escape from Alcatraz, with a little bit of Night of the Living Dead thrown in there for good measure.  (Or maybe The Terror of Tiny Town by way of The Shawshank Redemption, it’s hard to say.)  Herzog also gives us plenty of oddball scenes along the way.  The part where two of the dwarf ladies eat their scabs feels like something out of a John Waters flick, and the stuff with the dead animals has a Mondo movie vibe.  

Despite the general sense of unpleasantness, there still manages to be an odd sweetness about the film.   I’m specifically thinking of the scene where two dwarf lovers are unable to make love because the man can’t get into the regular-sized bed.  This kind of whiplash in tone kind of makes Even Dwarfs Started Small hard to pin down, but it definitely is a unique viewing experience.   

Herzog resists the temptation to “explain” just what’s going on.  However, he gives us plenty of scenes dripping with symbolism, so we at least know what it’s “about”.  Such shots include chickens picking maggots off the carcasses of other dead chickens, a driverless truck endlessly going around in circles, and the heartbreaking image of piglets furiously trying to suckle their dead mother.  

This is one of Herzog’s most famous works.  I don’t know if I can call it one of my favorites, but it certainly has its moments, even if it doesn’t quite work as a whole.  If anything, it’s proof there’s more on Tubi than just a bunch of fake Amityville movies.   

JANUA-RAY: THE LEMON GROVE KIDS (1968) **

Most directors start small and then work their way up.  Not Ray Dennis Steckler.  His first three movies, while still pretty cheap, had ambition, stars (well, Arch Hall, Jr. and Liz Renay, but still), and looked much bigger than their budget would imply.  By the time he made Rat Pfink a Boo Boo and The Lemon Grove Kids, he was making movies in his backyard for peanuts, using friends and family behind and in front of the camera.  That kind of handmade look is endearing.  

However, While Rat Pfink a Boo Boo is charming, inventive and fun, this is kind of a chore to sit through.  I think the whole premise of the movie started by someone stating that Steckler bore a passing resemblance to Huntz Hall from The Bowery Boys.  That must’ve sparked Ray to make his own Bowery Boys rip-off.  He also used the same basic structure of a Three Stooges short as the film is comprised of three short subjects starring “The Lemon Grove Kids”.  

“The Lemon Grove Kids”(* ½) has the Lemon Grove Kids getting into a tussle with their rival gang.  It’s decided that they should hold a race to settle their differences once and for all.  Naturally, the other gang try to sabotage the race.

From the perplexing silent movie title cards to the overdone sound effects to the painfully unfunny slapstick, The Lemon Grove Kids is pretty crummy in just about every way.  Comedies (especially cheap-o ones like this) that aren’t funny are often the hardest kinds of movies to stomach.  At least things end on a high note during the fun scene where Steckler winds up interrupting the filming of Rat Pfink a Boo Boo.  How meta!  The final bit where he is inexplicably pursued by a mummy goes on a bit too long though.

The second short is “The Lemon Grove Kids Meet the Green Grasshopper and the Vampire Lady from Outer Space” (**).  In this one, the Kids get hired to clean up the brush in Coleman Francis’ backyard.  Aliens led by a vampire woman (Carolyn Brandt) abduct some of the kids.  It’s then up Slug (Mike Kannon) and Gofer (Steckler) to save them.  

The Bowery Boys met monsters and ghosts, but they never got to tangle with aliens.  I guess having The Lemon Grove Kids go toe to toe with UFOs wasn’t the worst idea in the world.  After a longwinded set-up, the finale is pretty good… well, up until everything descends into chaos.  Once again, there are no real laughs to be had, but Brandt looks sexy in her Vampira-inspired get-up.  She’s easily the most memorable part of this segment.  Steckler’s daughter, Laura, who plays the youngest member of the “Kids”, Tickles, steals scenes by just being cute as a button.  

“The Lemon Grove Kids Go Hollywood!” (**) is the final segment.  This time out, the Kids get work doing odd jobs for movie star Cee Bee Beaumont (Brandt, playing the same character she did in Rat Pfink a Boo Boo, making this a shared cinematic universe long before Marvel made it trendy).  Two bumbling criminals try to kidnap her, and the usual hijinks ensue.

This one is just sort of ho-hum.  It’s not as painfully unfunny as the first sequence, but it lacks the charm of the second one.  Once again, Tickles is the best part.  She definitely deserved her own spin-off.

Director’s Signatures:  A long chase scene, musical numbers, a bizarre mash-up of genres, and at some screenings, people dressed like monsters ran out into the audience.  

Steckler’s Stock Player Round-Up:  Mike (The Thrill Killers) Kannon, Coleman Francis, Herb Robins, producer George Morgan, Ron Haydock, Carolyn Brandt, and Kogar the Gorilla.

Co-director Ted Roter, like Steckler, later wound up working in the porn industry, and his last XXX film was the first porno I ever saw, Scandalous Simone.

AKA:  The Lemon Grove Kids Meet the Monsters.

TUBI CONTINUED… AMITYVILLE KAREN (2022) *

Karen (Lauren Francesca) is a health inspector who gets a thrill shutting down businesses that are not up to code.  Her latest target is a local winery that is trying to branch out and hold beer tastings.  During her latest inspection, she steals a bottle of their newest wine (that came from a winery in Amityville), and drinks it.  Before you can say, “I want to speak to your manager!”, she becomes possessed and starts slaying people while saying obnoxious catchphrases like, “You’re canceled!” 

Amityville Karen is basically a one-woman show for Lauren Francesca.  Many scenes feature her bitching aloud to no one in particular about almost every kind of Karen complaint known to man.  She really goes for it, and if the material had actually been funny, her performance might’ve been memorable.  However, without any good punchlines or one-liners, it’s all bluster and no laughs. 

Most everyone else in the cast is painfully amateurish, stumbling over their lines, and visibly sweating in front of the camera.  The biggest “star” in the cast is a slumming James Duval as an employee at the winery.  Boy, Donnie Darko was a long time ago.  Lilith Stabs is also in there briefly as a groupie, but she’s more or less wasted.

For some ungodly reason, this clocks in at a whopping 103 minutes.  There’s just barely enough of an idea here to make a movie, and one that probably could’ve and should’ve only been about 75 minutes.  I mean say what you will about all those recent Full Moon movies.  Even if they do suck, they’re only an hour long (or less).  And trust me, you feel every painful minute of this.  Note to prospective low budget filmmakers:  If you’re going to cash in on the “Amityville” franchise, please keep the running time to a bare minimum.  I mean did we need the ten full minutes of news anchors and social media videos of people talking about Karen at the end?  

Making fun of “Karens” is about the lowest hanging fruit imaginable.  Because of that, a horror comedy about a possessed Karen should’ve been a can’t-lose proposition.  Too bad the filmmakers couldn’t even wring one decent laugh out of the premise.  It’s enough to make you want to speak to the movie’s manager.