TUBI CONTINUED… AMITYVILLE CULT (2021) ½ *

Stanley DeFeo (Chance Gibbs) thinks he’s a man without a past.  That all changes when he learns he’s inherited a house in Amityville from a grandmother he never knew.  Once inside the house, he discovers her diary which details her sordid affair with a cult leader.  Frazzled by this new information, he tries to get to the truth of the matter.

We’ve come to expect very little from these Amityville rip-offs.  However, even within those very limited expectations, we still expect… well… SOMETHING.  I mean if an Amityville rip-off can’t be good, it at the very least can be…  Stupid…  Cheesy…  Bonkers…. Unintentionally funny… Well, it can be anything, really.  Except boring.  Unfortunately, that’s the case with Amityville Cult. 

And let me tell you, it’s a slow moving, uninvolving slog from the word go.  I will say the flashback scenes are slightly less dull than the present-day stuff, if only for the weirdo cult leader dude who stands around with a Cheshire Cat grin like an extra from Smile.  That’s about all the flick has going for it though.  The long scenes of our hero reading the diary in a dark room while a clock on the wall rhythmically ticks were almost too much to handle.  These scenes put me to sleep not once, but twice.  If you are cursed with insomnia, then Amityville Cult is the perfect cure.

The stuff with Gibbs interviewing the townsfolk and unraveling family secrets is just as dull too.  Just when you think it can’t get any worse, along comes a long ass nightmare scene full of shit we’ve already seen.  If you’re deepest darkest fear is recycled footage, then Amityville Cult will scare you shitless.  You know you’re in trouble when the movie’s biggest horror scene involves a highchair moving around like it’s in a Peter Gabriel music video.  

Bottom Line:  Amityville Cult might not be the worst Amityville rip-off ever made, but it’s definitely in the running for the dullest.

TUBI CONTINUED… OUIJA SHARK (2020) ** ½

Jill (Steph Goodwin) finds a mysterious Ouija board while swimming at the beach.  She brings it back to her friend’s house where a girls’ weekend is being held.  When the ladies get bored, they drag out the Ouija board and accidentally summon the spirit of a shark.  Freed from the board, the ghost goes around killing people before finally setting its sights on the gals who unleashed it.

Directed by Brett (Jurassic Shark) Kelly, Ouija Shark is more silly than dumb, which is an important thing to note.  It knows the premise is out there and embraces it fully.  It also has its share of fun moments, like when one of the girls gets high and thinks the shark is a byproduct of her wacky tobaccy.  Oh, and it also contains lots of scenes of the ladies swimming in bikinis and washing cars, which helps.  The ghost shark itself is rather amusing too.  It’s blue-tinted and semi-translucent, which kind of makes it look like a Star Wars Force Ghost version of Jaws.  

The film kind of loses a little of its charm whenever the focus strays away from the girls’ weekend.  Subplots about one of the girl’s fathers doing research on sharks (which at least pays off with a WTF Dr. Strange-inspired battle between his spirit and the shark in the afterlife) and cops investigating the disappearance of some hikers kind of drag things out.  Still, the relatively lax run time of seventy minutes moves at an acceptable rate.

The cast is better than average for this sort of thing.  Goodwin has a fun presence as the alternative outcast of the group.  She also makes a memorable impression when she goes into Sarah Connor mode at the end.  Amy Osborne is also quite engaging as the nerdy Tiffany who spends most of the movie washing a car.  This seems to be the only film appearances for both actresses, and that’s a shame.  I’d definitely enjoy watching them again in another flick.

The best line occurs when the Ouija board is brought out and one of the friends ask, “Isn’t that one of those ‘hoo-hah’ boards?”

TUBI CONTINUED… JURASSIC SHARK (2013) *

An oil company drilling off the coast of a private island accidentally open up a trench, letting loose a giant prehistoric megalodon into a nearby manmade lake.  Meanwhile, a group of art thieves stumble upon a group of college students and coerce the kids into reclaiming their lost loot that’s at the bottom of the lake.  Before long, the crooks and kids get caught in the crossfire of the shark’s voracious appetite.  

Sure, the CGI shark is shitty looking, but that’s the least of this movie’s problems.  Most of the action occurs on dry land with either A) The college students wandering around the island B) The thieves wandering around the island or C) The college students AND the thieves wandering around the island together.  That means the only time anything of note happens is when someone is dumb enough to go into the lake and get ate by the shark.  Either that, or they have to have a gun pointed to their head to make them go into the lake.  Heck, even on the off chance when someone DOES get ate, it occurs offscreen anyway, so what’s the point? 

Jurassic Shark is rather annoying in just about every regard.  From the thick Canadian accents to the irritating editing (there are a lot of unnecessary fade-to-whites accompanied by a grating “whooshing” on the soundtrack) to the nonexistent action to the gratuitous slow motion, it all just kind of sucks.  Sure, it’s far from the worst shark movie out there, but it’s certainly bad enough to make you swear them off for a while.

The only memorable part that saves it from being completely worthless is the Free Willy moment near the end where the shark jumps triumphantly out of the water in slow motion.  Some movies jump the shark.  In this one, the shark jumps the movie.  Other than that memorable bit, Jurassic Shark really bites.  

AKA:  Attack of the Jurassic Shark.

TUBI CONTINUED… SHARK BAIT (2022) **

If you loved The Shallows and enjoyed Open Water, then you might almost be able to barely tolerate this Tubi Original.  A group of some of the most annoying characters I’ve encountered in some time are partying it up on Spring Break in Mexico.  One morning, the still-drunk delinquents decide to steal a couple of jetskis and speed around in the middle of nowhere.  They get the dumb idea to play chicken and stupidly crash into one another at high speed.  Naturally, this totals both vehicles and seriously injures one idiot.  Before long, his gaping wound attracts a bloodthirsty shark who is all too eager to put some Spring Breakers on the menu.

Shark Bait is appropriately named since the characters solely exist to be eaten by the shark.  In a way, it sort of helps that they are all raging morons because then it’s at least a little satisfying once they are finally chomped on.  However, the long scenes of them horsing around grate on the nerves something fierce.  The love triangle shit between the Final Girl (Holly Earl), her cheating boyfriend (Jack Trueman), and her promiscuous best friend (Catherine Hannay) is weak as shit too.

Since the cast is smallish and the action is contained, that means the body count is low and we don’t see much of the shark.  I know… I know… we didn’t see much of it in Jaws either, but director James (The Marine 5:  Battleground) Nunn is clearly no Spielberg.  Aside from one decent scene where the shark scoops up a guy in its maw and his watch gets caught in a chick’s hair and drags her down too, there’s nothing really memorable here.  

At least Hannay is easy on the eyes.  It also doesn’t hurt that she spends most of her screen time in a bikini.  So, there are certainly worse ways to spend your time on Tubi.  

Bottom Line:  Despite a decent hook, Shark Bait mostly bites.

AKA:  Shark Bay.  AKA:  Jetski.  

TUBI CONTINUED… SHARKS OF THE CORN (2021) **

Remember when everyone was making movies based on the novels of master of horror Steven Kang?  This is a flick based on one of Kang’s early short stories.  It harkens… or should I say… “sharkens” back to the days when he wasn’t so overly commercialized.

It starts with off great with a T & A update of the opening scene in Jaws… except… you know… in a cornfield instead of a beach.  A guy passes out drunk while his naked girlfriend (Rebecca Rhinehart from CarousHELL 2) flaunts around the corn rows until she’s eaten by a shark.  There are also amusing shots of fin buzzing above the corn stalks and the shark’s face as it runs through the corn maze.  Or the maize maze, as it were.  Right then and there, I thought we had a classic on our hands.  Or at the very least, another Shark Side of the Moon.

That was until the B plot about a serial killer who thinks he’s a shark took over.  This guy wears a shark face mask and lures prostitutes to his room where he cuts them up with a set of shark jaws.  This stuff isn’t necessarily bad per se, but it’s nowhere near as fun as the cornfield-set scenes.  Incidentally, this plotline is not found in Kang’s original short story.  Nor is the subplot involving a juice head trying to sell off a Stonehenge-related relic to some gangsters.  I guess the filmmakers had to pad it out a little, but there was no reason this thing had to be one-hundred-and-five minutes long.

See, when the movie is nothing but morons stumbling into the cornfield and being mauled by sharks, it works.  All the extraneous shit just bogs everything down.  There’s also a plot twist that makes absolutely no sense.  Then again, just when I was about to completely write it off, something amazing cheesy or… corny… if you will… would happen (like a shark jumping out of the cornfield and into the air, causing a helicopter to explode) to kind of keep things in check.

That said, it’s maybe a little too overstuffed for its own good.  I admire the kitchen sink approach (Bigfoot even shows up at one point), but the unwieldy running time eventually does it in.  Still, there’s plenty of Jaws references and in-joke character names to keep you amused.  That, and the occasional intentionally funny line like, “What in the name of Randy Travis is going on here?”

AKA:  Steven Kang’s Sharks of the Corn.

ONLY THE GOOD PARTS (2020) *** ½

It’s been a while since I watched a good trailer compilation.  This one really lives up to its title as it is chockfull of T & A and blood and guts.  It also showcases some of the best trailers from not only the horror genre, but also drive-in, grindhouse, exploitation, and sleaze cinema.

Some of the trailers you’ve seen in countless other collections like I Spit on Your Grave, It’s Alive, and Raw Meat.  That’s okay though because there are still plenty of unique, odd, or just plain awesome trailers here.  I mean how many trailer compilations out there feature coming attractions for At Midnight I’ll Take Your Soul, The Johnsons, or the nude beauty pageant movie She Did It His Way?

I also liked that they were mostly grouped by subgenre, which helped things flow nicely from trailer to trailer.  We have action (Call Him Mr. Shatter, Angel of HEAT, Alley Cat), Women in Prison (Barbed Wire Dolls, Love Camp, 10 Violent Women), horror (Nurse Sherri, J.D.’s Revenge, The Man Who Haunted Himself), cannibal movies (Zombie Holocaust, Eaten Alive, Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals), sexploitation (She Did It His Way, Rolls Royce Baby, Evil Come Evil Go), and religious horror flicks (Beware My Brethren, The Devils, Mark of the Devil 2), just to name a few.

Also, at a relatively scant 79 minutes, it moves at a brisk enough pace to prevent you from getting overstimulated, as can happen with even the best of these collections.  Even though it threatens to peter out by the end, Only the Good Parts finishes off with the iconic trailer for Torso, which ends things on a high note.  Besides, there’s a strong concentration of trailers featuring Lina Romay in the buff (and in exemplary gynecological detail, I might add).  I mean, if your compilation is called Only the Good Parts, that’s about the best part you could hope for.

A sequel followed.

The complete list of trailers include:  A spookshow ad, Call Him Mr. Shatter, Angel of HEAT, Alley Cat, Barbed Wire Dolls, Love Camp, 10 Violent Women, I Spit on Your Grave, Nurse Sherri, J.D.’s Revenge, The Man Who Haunted Himself, Spasmo, At Midnight I’ll Take Your Soul, The Johnsons, The Brood, It’s Alive, It Lives Again, The Child, The Nights of Terror (AKA:  Burial Ground), Hell of the Living Dead, Zombie Holocaust (AKA:  Dr. Butcher, M.D.), Eaten Alive, Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals, She Did It His Way, Rolls Royce Baby, Evil Come Evil Go, Beware My Brethren, The Devils, Mark of the Devil 2, Demoniac, Virgin Witch, The Naked Witch, The Crypt of Dark Secrets, The Legend of the Wolf Woman, The Grim Reaper, Raw Meat, Tower of Evil, and Torso.

TUBI CONTINUED… SHARK SIDE OF THE MOON (2022) ***

Shark Side of the Moon is a Tubi Original made in conjunction with The Asylum, the folks that gave us the Sharknado series.  If this is an example of the quality entertainment that we can expect from the teaming of two titans, then I say, sign me up for more!

Russian scientists develop killer hammerhead shark men to breed as soldiers.  When they get loose, the scientists lead them into a space shuttle and blast the shark men off to the moon.  Decades later, an American team of astronauts in charge of setting up a colony on the moon, crash lands and are attacked by shark men.  But not just shark men.  There are also shark women.  Which can only mean one thing:  Sharks with boobs.  That alone is worth Three Stars in my book.

I love it when a movie shows me something I’ve never seen before.  Whenever the pacing started to drag or the dialogue scenes threatened to go on too long, I’d see a pair of shark boobs, and all was right with the world.  Not since the duck boobs scene in Howard the Duck have we seen something like this.  Now I don’t want to oversell it or anything as we don’t see any full-on shark boobs exactly, but the shark women DO wear crop tops and skimpy halter tops, so there is no shortage of shark babe cleavage throughout the picture.

Oh, and did I mention the Russian scientist had a half-shark daughter who knows Kung Fu and does moon bounces over shark men while engaging in battle?  Or when they stumble upon a hive of shark babies and decide to destroy them, the movie stops briefly for a sensitive pro-life discussion?  Or the Jaws homage that made me straight-up LOL?

Folks, when you watch Shark Side of the Moon, you will believe a shark man can drive a car.  Or at least the very least, a moon buggy.

Now, I haven’t watched an Asylum flick in a while, so I was somewhat surprised to see that the CGI shark men weren’t too shabby looking.  I also liked the way the shark fins cut through the surface of the moon as they chased the astronauts around.  The spaceship special effects and moon base models are all fairly solid too.

The premise is silly, but kind of fun.  However, Shark Side of the Moon stops short of being a classic, thanks to the overly jokey (and unfunny) crew members, who are pretty annoying.  The editing gets a little whiplash-inducing at the end too, but since it all ends with a woman giving birth to a baby shark (doo, doo, doo, doo) I can’t be too hard on it. 

Bottom Line:  This is the best shark man movie since Hammerhead:  Shark Frenzy, and that’s high praise indeed.