Tuesday, September 19, 2023

TUBI CONTINUED… JURASSIC SHARK (2013) *

An oil company drilling off the coast of a private island accidentally open up a trench, letting loose a giant prehistoric megalodon into a nearby manmade lake.  Meanwhile, a group of art thieves stumble upon a group of college students and coerce the kids into reclaiming their lost loot that’s at the bottom of the lake.  Before long, the crooks and kids get caught in the crossfire of the shark’s voracious appetite.  

Sure, the CGI shark is shitty looking, but that’s the least of this movie’s problems.  Most of the action occurs on dry land with either A) The college students wandering around the island B) The thieves wandering around the island or C) The college students AND the thieves wandering around the island together.  That means the only time anything of note happens is when someone is dumb enough to go into the lake and get ate by the shark.  Either that, or they have to have a gun pointed to their head to make them go into the lake.  Heck, even on the off chance when someone DOES get ate, it occurs offscreen anyway, so what’s the point? 

Jurassic Shark is rather annoying in just about every regard.  From the thick Canadian accents to the irritating editing (there are a lot of unnecessary fade-to-whites accompanied by a grating “whooshing” on the soundtrack) to the nonexistent action to the gratuitous slow motion, it all just kind of sucks.  Sure, it’s far from the worst shark movie out there, but it’s certainly bad enough to make you swear them off for a while.

The only memorable part that saves it from being completely worthless is the Free Willy moment near the end where the shark jumps triumphantly out of the water in slow motion.  Some movies jump the shark.  In this one, the shark jumps the movie.  Other than that memorable bit, Jurassic Shark really bites.  

AKA:  Attack of the Jurassic Shark.

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