TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN DYNA: RETURN OF HANEJIRO (2001) * ½

Return of Hanejiro is supposed to act as a footnote to the events of the Ultraman Dyna series.  Like Ultraman Tiga Side Story:  Revival of the Ancient Giant, it’s only about forty-five minutes long.  However, the budget is much lower than any of the Ultraman movies I’ve seen this week.  In fact, it looks cheaper than an average Ultraman episode.  While the giant monsters aren’t too shabby, the human-sized creatures look more like sports mascots.  The rest of the special effects aren’t too hot either.

A trio of comic relief aliens disguised as humans come in possession of an egg.  When it hatches, an annoying alien baby comes out.  They are mistakenly blamed for an imminent alien invasion and go on the run with the yapping alien brat in tow.  Meanwhile the real perpetrator, a sexy android woman in a blonde wig and sunglasses, goads Ultraman into battle. 

The Ultraman fights are okay.  He does battle with a giant red dragon monster, and the final monster is kinda cool too.  It’s just a shame that the brawls don’t last very long.  The smaller scale fights suffer from a lot of Matrix-inspired Kung Fu, and they are all pretty lame.  I know the low budget was probably the main culprit here, but the action never quite helps the film rise above the weak kiddie crap material; it merely prevents it from circling the drain.

The other monsters suffer from being overly cutesy or just plain cheap looking.  (The alien baby looks like a bargain bin Furby.)  All the allegedly comic shenanigans with the three aliens is hella annoying too.  Every time these bozos show up, it stops the movie on a dime and seriously gets in the way of Ultraman doing his thing.  Overall, Ultraman Dyna:  Return of Hanejiro is about as bad as an episode of the fucking Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, if you can believe it. 

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN COSMOS VS. ULTRAMAN JUSTICE: THE FINAL BATTLE (2003) *** ½

(Housekeeping Note:  I am still about two weeks behind posting reviews.  However, once I get the reviews caught up to October 1st, I will switch over to the traditional all-horror movie column, The 31 Days of Horror-Ween, which will fittingly be rebranded:  The 31 Days of Tubi-Ween this year…)

Musashi (Taiyo Sugiura) and his team are about to fly a giant ark full of monsters to another planet where they can live in harmony.  An army of giant robots doesn’t want that to happen and it’s up to Ultraman Cosmos to kick its ass.  Turns out, an Ultraman named Justice is in league with the aliens and has a score to settle with the human race. 

After the middling Ultraman Cosmos 2:  The Blue Planet, Ultraman Cosmos vs. Ultraman Justice:  The Final Battle serves as both a course correction and a thrilling trilogy capper.  Things kick off in fine fashion with a shocking death scene.  Like most comic book movies and/or Sci-Fi flicks, we know the death probably won’t be permanent, but the staging and dramatic effect is nevertheless very effective.  I’ll say this, the opening scene has more balls (not to mention drama) than the entirety of Ultraman Cosmos 2, that’s for sure.  

I also liked the scenes of Justice’s avatar, a hot goth chick that looks like she shoplifted from the Underworld and Matrix sets when security wasn’t looking.  The scenes where she alternates from being conflicted to convinced that the Earth must be destroyed really work.  Sure, not all us earthlings are would-be rapist rappers roving the streets.  Some of us are just cute kids with even cuter dogs.  I mean, come on Justice.  You’re not gonna wipe out a planet inhabited by cute kids with cute dogs, are you?

Ultraman Cosmos vs. Ultraman Justice:  The Final Battle is easily the best of the Cosmos trilogy thanks to its complex themes and slightly darker tone.  (Although there is still some juvenile humor here but thankfully not much.)  Justice’s character arc alone makes it a richer and deeper film than its predecessors and gives it more weight than you would expect from an Ultraman movie.  In many ways, this is the Wrath of Khan of the early ‘00s Ultraman films.  Praise doesn’t come much higher than that.

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN COSMOS 2: THE BLUE PLANET (2002) **

Musashi, the little kid from Ultraman Cosmos:  The First Contact, is all grown up and has become an astronaut.  He encounters a dead planet in his travels and arrives there just in time to watch Ultraman Cosmos fight a giant monster named Scorpus.  When he returns home, Musashi decides to visit some friends on the island of Saipan where Scorpus once again appears and is fought off by a manta ray-type monster named Rayja who acts as protector of the ocean.  A mermaid babe then takes our hero into the deep to show him her hidden home world under the sea.  Predictably, Scorpus returns with its master, the evil Sandloss, in tow with the intention of decimating the Earth to ash, and the underwater kingdom right along with it.

Once again there’s some silliness here that seems a little ill-fitting. The stuff with the mermaid is lame and feels like an attempt to capture some of the female demographic.  The SRC offshoot, SEA who are an underwater division of science exploration aren’t nearly as memorable either.  Besides, let’s face it:  Being underwater isn’t nearly as cool as being in outer space.  The subplot with the mermaid’s jealous boyfriend slows things down to a crawl too.

The monster battles are where it’s at though.  Scorpus is a pretty decent monster.  He looks like a cross between Gamera and an oversized bedbug and shoots red flames.  The scenes of his worldwide destruction are well done, and it’s a shame that so much of the film is a slog because whenever he and his minions are tearing up the town, The Blue Planet rocks.  The moderately stylish finale when Sandloss blots out the sun and battles two Ultramen in darkness is solid, but it’s not quite enough to put this one in the win column.  The Rayja creatures are decidedly less cool and look especially goofy when they start talking.  Although the scenes of kaiju kicking butt fit the bill, whenever the action switches underwater, the movie sinks like a stone.

AKA:  Ultraman Cosmos:  The Blue Planet.

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN COSMOS: THE FIRST CONTACT (2001) ***

A young astrology nut named Musashi (Konosuke Tokai) desperately wants to meet his hero Ultraman.  Luckily for him, he gets his chance when Ultraman crashes to Earth after fighting a metal lobster monster in space. The Scientific Research Circle hears about his encounter and takes the kid on as an honorary member.  Eventually, Ultraman must stop another alien from trying to take over Earth.  

The CGI during the monster fights is a bit chintzy.  However, some of the goofy touches are surprisingly endearing.  Musashi’s robot sidekick had the potential to be annoying, but he winds up being rather cute and innocuous, all things considered.  I also liked that the SRC spaceships came equipped with humorously oversized boxing gloves so they could safely do battle with rampaging kaiju.  

The best thing I can say for Ultraman Cosmos:  The First Contact is that it handles the scenes with the kid characters much better than Ultraman Tiga, Ultraman Dyna, and Ultraman Gaia:  Battle in Hyperspace did.  I especially loved the scene where Ultraman repays Musashi for nursing him back to health by scooping him up in his arms and flying him over the city.  That’s the good stuff right there. 

I also enjoyed the rivalry between the SRC, who want to capture and study the monsters, and the military outfit SHARKS, who naturally just want to destroy them.  It helped give the human drama a bit of a different dimension than your typical Japanese monster movie.  The SRC’s efforts also makes you think of the monsters with a hint of compassion. 

That’s not to say there isn’t some dumb stuff here.  The scene where the citizens of Earth band together to stop the monster by… uh… singing it a lullaby is particularly cringe-inducing.  And at ninety minutes, it’s by far the longest Ultraman flick I’ve watched so far this week.  (It’s over twice as long as Ultraman Tiga Side Story:  Revival of the Ancient Giant.)  Because of that, it’s not nearly as fast-paced as some of the best Ultraman movies.  However, when it manages to find the right balance between giant rubber monsters and genuine heart, it works. 

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN TIGA SIDE STORY: REVIVAL OF THE ANCIENT GIANT (2001) ***

Ultraman Tiga Side Story:  Revival of the Ancient Giant is a direct-to-video spin-off of the Ultraman Tiga series.  At forty-four minutes, it’s a lot shorter than some of the other Ultraman movies I’ve watched this week (and those were short to begin with).  If you’re like me and you’re trying to watch 365 movies on Tubi in 365 days, you take the shorties when you can get them.

In the future (2038), Tsubasa Madoka (Shogo Yamaguchi), a member of the Super GUTS team (and the son of Ultraman Tiga) gets sucked into a wormhole along with a dinosaur and winds up 5000 years in the past.  The monster threatens a village of peaceful mountainfolk, and the bad guy wants to use it to vanquish “The Warrior of Light” that the people worship once and for all.  It’s then up to Ultraman Tiga to save the day.

Revival of the Ancient Giant is a “Side Story”, and as a self-contained spin-off it’s a lot of fun.  I guess they thought whisking the son of Ultraman 5000 years into the past wouldn’t screw up the continuity too bad.  Even if you just somehow stumbled upon this without much knowledge of Ultraman in general, you’d probably dig it.

The effects are kind of inconsistent.  Some of the monsters and costumes are very good, while others look like an episode of The Land of the Lost.  That’s part of the charm though.  There was also a really weird effect where the bad guy is standing in front of the monster, and it just looks like he’s standing in front of a big screen TV that’s playing scenes from the movie behind him.  And you know what?  It’s just odd and goofy enough to work. 

The villain himself is really cool too.  He looks like a cross between Darth Vader and the Joker, if such a thing is imaginable.  I mean, if you’re going to steal, steal from two of the best, right?

I’m not saying all of it works.  The stuff with the prehistoric GUTS team flying around on wooden airplanes is cheesy, and the fights where they shoot Street Fighter 2-inspired orbs of light at their enemies isn’t nearly as fun as the giant monster battles.  However, those are relatively minor quibbles all in all.  The final fight kicks ass too, so that’s all you can ask for from something like this.

AKA:  Ultraman Tiga Gaiden:  Revival of the Ancient Giant.  AKA:  Ultraman Tiga:  The Outside Story.

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN TIGA, ULTRAMAN DYNA, AND ULTRAMAN GAIA: BATTLE IN HYPER SPACE (1999) ** ½

A kid who’s obsessed with Ultraman has a dream where he gets sucked into the TV while watching an Ultraman video.  One day after school, he finds a red sphere that grants wishes and naturally, he wishes to meet Ultraman.  Then, Ultraman Gaia comes through a portal and winds up in the real world.  Naturally, some bullies get ahold of the sphere and wish for giant monsters to destroy the world. 

All the stuff with the juvenile protagonists makes this feel like one of those bad kid-friendly Godzilla movies.  The brats are pretty annoying and get in the way of the monster mashing.  The “meta” aspect isn’t really used to its full advantage either and the filmmakers kind of forget about it rather quickly.  If anything, it just seems like a lame attempt to shoehorn the kids in there and cater to younger audiences.  I know these Japanese Sci-Fi flicks are a bit of wish fulfillment as it is, but having the kids actually wishing and receiving giant monster battles is a bit on the nose for me.  Maybe even a little up the nose. 

While it was a little bit of a comedown from the other Ultraman movies I’ve seen this week, there was still some good stuff here.  Once the three Ultramen finally join forces, it starts to kick some serious ass (it just takes forever).  The opening scene where Ultraman does battle with a monster that looks like a giant glowing vagina is fairly decent too.  The final monster, “King of Mons” (who is clearly modeled on Godzilla) is badass, and the final six-man tag-team battle is one for the books.  The scene where the three Ultramen split up and fight monsters on land, sea, and space is fun too.  If only we didn’t have to sit through so much kiddie crap in the beginning, it might’ve been a classic.  That said, the finale is strong enough to almost make all the Little Rascals shit tolerable.  Almost.

AKA:  Ultraman Tiga and Ultraman Dyna and Ultraman Gaia:  The Decisive Battle in Hyperspace.  AKA:  Ultraman Tiga and Ultraman Dyna and Ultraman Gaia.  AKA:  Ultraman Tiga and Ultraman Dyna and Ultraman Gaia:  The Great Decisive Attack of Super-Time and Space.  AKA:  Ultraman Gaia:  The Battle in Hyperspace.

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN TIGA AND ULTRAMAN DYNA: WARRIORS OF THE STAR OF LIGHT (1998) *** ½

Ultraman Tiga and Ultraman Dyna:  Warriors of the Star of Light kicks off with a fun battle between Ultraman Dyna and a goofy rubbery-looking monster that looks like a cross between Gamera and a piece of moldy cheese.  This fight is cut short when an approaching alien ship blows the beast up.  Then, the alien villain tricks the “Super GUTS” team into powering her Transformer-style robot monster whom she uses to defeat Ultraman Dyna.  As she makes plans to conquer the world, Dyna sets out to find Ultraman Tiga to join the battle and save mankind. 

Let me get this out of the way before I go any further:  Some of the CGI effects in this are reeeeeaaaallly bad.  And when I say reeeeeaaaallly bad, I mean like reeeeeaaaallly bad.  

The good news is, when the movie concentrates on the old school monster mashing the Ultraman series is known for, Warriors of the Star of Light kicks major ass.  The man-in-rubber-suit battles are downright exquisite this time around.  The monsters themselves are pretty damned cool as well.  The Transformer-style robot is badass and gives Ultraman a run for his money.  The bad guy’s final form is impressively designed and quite elaborate too, and the scenes of citywide destruction are also very well done.  Plus, you get two Ultramen for the price of one.  How can you go wrong?

The human drama basically boils down to the usual “believe in yourself”/”be part of the team”/”never say die” cliches you’d expect from something like this.  You know, just enough of it to give the human actors something to do, while simultaneously not getting in the way of the monster mashing.  And let’s face it, that’s the only reason we’re watching it in the first place.  That said, the scene where the humans stand together and profess their belief in the “Power of Light” to resurrect their fallen hero…  Well folks...  That’s the kind of cornball shit I live for. 

AKA:  Ultraman Tiga and Ultraman Dyna:  Warriors of the Planet of Light.  AKA:  Ultraman Tiga and Ultraman Dyna.