THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: SADAKO 3D 2 (2013) * ½

Even if I did see this in its original 3D format, I still don’t think Sadako 3D 2 would’ve been anything to write home about as the 3D effects are rather limited this time out.  The only things that look like they may have popped out of the screen were leaves, molecules, hands, and bodies.  It’s certainly less eye-popping than the first one, that’s for sure.

The daughter of the heroine from Sadako 3D has turned into one of those standard issue creepy kids you see in horror movies that have their hair all in their face, glower at adults, and draw spooky pictures of ominous events that you just know will happen sooner or later.  She’s being raised by her aunt (mom died in childbirth offscreen) and the poor woman is ill-equipped to look after a goldfish let alone a creepy homicidal kid.  Before long, anyone who remotely pisses the brat off gets killed by her psychic temper tantrums (but only if they’re on their phone or laptop).  Is she really to blame for her telekinetic spurts of rage or is the evil Sadako controlling her from beyond the grave?

I wasn’t expecting much from Sadako 3D, but I found it to be an okay effort all things considered.  This sequel delivered just about what I was expecting from the first one.  Namely, not much.

The good news is that it isn’t a complete waste of time.  We get a pretty good knife to the eye, and a decent jump scare when someone tosses themselves out of a window and lands on a car.  The bad news is this is more of a creepy kid flick than a Ring sequel.  As such, there isn’t really enough here to base an entire movie around.  Much of the dialogue is exposition from the last movie and the new material assigned to the psychic kid is weak too.  

I guess I could’ve let a lot of that slide had the finale been half as fun as the previous outing.  I mean, say what you will about Sadako 3D, but at least the ending was kinda nuts.  Unfortunately, the climax of this one is a big letdown.   

AKA:  Sadako 2 3D.

THE EXORCIST: BELIEVER (2023) ** ½

David Gordon Green resurrected the Halloween franchise with mixed results.  This time, he works his mediocre magic on The Exorcist series.  It’s better than any of his Haddonfield efforts, but unlike the marginally bold Halloween Ends, he plays it safe this time out.  Maybe a bit too safe.

Leslie Odom Jr. stars as a single father whose daughter disappears in the woods along with a friend.  The kids return three days with no memory of what occurred there.  Soon, they begin exhibiting strange behavior and before long, the concerned parents face the possibility their kids are possessed.  Odom then seeks out Ellen Burstyn, who knows a thing or two about having a possessed kid, for help.

Green seems to be following The Force Awakens playbook note for note.  The first act is the best as it explores new characters who are following in the footsteps of their predecessors.  It’s just fresh enough to justify the film’s existence while still familiar enough not to alienate fans.  Then, once we bring in the legacy characters, things get a little shaky.  

While it’s fun seeing Burstyn again (and at ninety, she still looks great and is full of piss and vinegar), the second act is easily the weakest as Green feels like he’s rushing through things to get to the exorcism. Which is weird, since the first act follows William Friedkin’s slow burn template rather successfully.  It’s almost like they didn’t know if Burstyn was going to agree to do the movie until the last minute, so they just came up with a quick way to shoehorn (and then sideline) her in there.  From there, it plays more like a checklist of things you’d want to see in an Exorcist movie than an actual movie.  (The pea soup is noticeably absent though.)  However, the finale works just well enough to keep you invested.  The “it takes a village” approach to the exorcism (priests, witch doctors, friends, and neighbors all chip in to bring the devil down) is novel, although it admittedly lacks the power of the good old-fashioned fire and brimstone exorcisms of yore.

For everything the movie does right, there’s something that it fumbles and/or doesn’t fully explore.  As checkered as the Exorcist sequels are, it’s equally relieving and frustrating to have one that’s plays it this safe.  I mean, Part 2 is a piece of shit, but at least it’s bonkers.  

Green even rips off The Force Awakens’ final scene.  This bit feels equal measure fan service and a tease for another sequel.  If that’s the case, I guess I’ll be there opening night to see it.  I just hope Green and Co. have more up their sleeve next time.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: SADAKO 3D (2013) **

Sadako 3D is a 3D reboot of The Ring.  Naturally, it’s not in 3D on Tubi.  If it were, there would be lots of bodies, hands, laptops, phones, glass, hair, and insects popping out of the screen.  There were certainly enough effects here to make me believe that if seen in the proper 3D version on the big screen, it might be enough to warrant adding an extra Half-Star to the rating.  Alas, here we are stuck with the 2D version.

Now that videotapes have become passé (for some people at least) the titular evil ghost girl has taken to haunting the internet.  Those who watch a “cursed video clip” of an internet celebrity committing suicide during a livestream also die by suicide seven days later.  After one of her students dies, a concerned teacher does some half-assed detective work.  Predictably, she and her boyfriend wind up watching the video.  Will her untapped extra sensory powers be enough to break the curse and stop the evil Sadako in time?

This wasn’t nearly as bad as I anticipated seeing how the Ringu movies (especially the American Ring remakes) do nothing for me.  (I did almost sort of like the Ring vs. Grudge crossover flick Sadako vs. Kayako though.)  It moves efficiently enough, and the performances are solid for the most part.  Plus, it earns points for having Sadako’s final form be something more than just another little girl with her hair in her face.  However, like most of these movies, it’s all rather bloodless and tame.  Also, the film really only has one trick to scare the audience (a hand reaching out of a computer screen) and it beats it into the ground fairly early on.  As I said, maybe it worked better in its original 3D format.  It’s all rather harmless enough for me to at least give it the benefit of the doubt.

AKA:  Sadako 3D:  Ring Originals.

THE ARRIVAL (1980) ****

The Arrival (which should not be confused with the Charlie Sheen flick from 1996) is a fascinating jaw-dropping slice of WTF filmmaking.  It was produced by The Unarius Academy of Science, a quasi-cult who believe in astrological UFO transcendental reincarnation New Agey gobbledygook.  I think the film’s purpose wasn’t necessarily to bring new followers to the fold, but to spell out their beliefs and let the audience decide for themselves.

It is my belief that they are batshit insane.  However, they sure know how to make a masterpiece of head-scratching cinema.  This might be the best cult movie that was actually made by a cult of all time.

A caveman named Zan (Dan Smith) sees a UFO land.  He wanders curiously towards it when he is shot in the back of the head with a beam of light which speeds up his evolution so that he can converse with the aliens who wear bad bald caps.  They tell him he used to be a spaceship captain in a previous life who fought a star battle against literal stars.  When given the choice of peace and totally annihilating his enemy, he chose to blow their planet to smithereens.  But afterwards, he felt kinda bad about the whole thing.  And because of that, he’s carried that guilt with him all through his past lives.  Maybe it’s time for Zan to accept the extraterrestrials as his personal Lord and savior.

This movie is fucking nuts, and I mean that in the best way possible.  I’m not exactly sure if the Unarius Academy’s religion is being adequately displayed or if the director just saw 2001, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and Star Wars and put them all in a blender.  Being a film financed by a cult, you’d think the effects would be bad, but they’re actually kinda great.  It’s an odd mix of rotoscoping and computer animation.  The interior of the spaceship looks like the Death Star was given a Studio 54 makeover, and the effects are reminiscent of a Roger Corman version of Tron.  And by that, I mean the Battle Beyond the Stars Corman who actually spent money on the effects and not the penny-pinching Corman of every other movie he made.  It looks so good that you’re kind of in awe of how they actually achieved some of the effects.  Even when they are kind of cheesy (one spaceship looks like a giant razor), there’s an odd, dare I say beauty about them.  The starfield effects are wondrous as well as they look like a cross between the starfield from 2001 and the backdrop an elementary school would use on picture day.

The angel Uriel (played by Ruth E. Norman, co-founder of Unarius) is also a sight to behold.  Imagine if Glenda the Good Witch and Queen Carlotta from Desperate Living had a baby.  A very old baby.

I’m not much of a religious man, but if the Heaven that Unarius promises us is half as cool as advertised in this picture, I might have to join up.  Or at least join their mailing list.  Folks, if you think you’ve seen it all, trust me, you haven’t.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: TOMIE: UNLIMITED (2011) ****

Tomie:  Unlimited is the ninth and so far, final installment of the series.  It kicks off with a great death scene that plays like a Lucio Fulci directed version of The Omen.  From that moment, I knew I had a winner on my hands.

Photography student Tsukiko (Moe Arai) has her world shattered when her sister Tomie (Miu Nakamura) dies in a horrible accident.  One year later, Tomie miraculously shows up at her family’s door alive and well, much to their relief.  However, she’s not quite the same.  For one, she’s now a total brat and acts bitchy as hell.  Her folks go along with it though, mostly because they’re just happy she’s back.  Soon, Tomie begins manipulating her parents and lashing out at her sister, the only one who seems to question her mysterious return.

Let’s just say that from there, Tomie:  Unlimited takes some dizzying and exhilarating turns.  You never know where this crazy ass movie is going next.  It starts out kinda like a remake of Deathdream, except with a Japanese schoolgirl instead of an American soldier.  This portion of the film is a hard-hitting family horror flick that shows how grief, regret, and loss can turn a family against each other.  There are positively brutal scenes like Tomie goading her father into beating her sister with electrical wire that will have you squirming in your seat.  

From there, the movie spirals into a half-dozen different directions, filled with numerous crazy scenes and memorable imagery (like the scene involving someone’s lunch) at nearly every turn.  There’s one scene that plays out like Basket Case Meets The Manster.  By the time Tomie:  Unlimited started riffing on Mystics in Bali, I knew it was a certified classic.  Leave it to gonzo auteur Noboru (Robogeisha) Iguchi to breathe some life into the franchise.  

As I’ve stated before, I’m not really a fan of J-Horror, but this has got to be one of the best I’ve ever seen.  Although I’ve only seen three of the other Tomie movies, I think I can honestly say this has got to be the best.  It’s definitely one of the best Part 9’s in cinema history. 

AKA:  Zombie Girl.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: TOMIE: REVENGE (2005) **

A young doctor hits a naked woman with her car on a mountain road.  She has no memory or credentials or identity, so the good doctor oversees her care at the mental hospital where she works.  The patient reminds another doctor of his missing daughter, and he soon wants to adopt her.  Just before she can be released, a deranged hiker comes down from the mountain, kidnaps her, and brings her back to an abandoned mansion where the sexy succubus-like Tomie lives.

Although Tomie:  Revenge starts off with a promising opening, things quickly go downhill from there.  The hospital setting is novel, and the relationship that forms between the doctor and her patient is kind of sweet, but the horror elements are much too weak to make it work.  Not only that, but it takes an inordinate amount of time to get going.  We do get a decent gut eating scene, although it takes forever to get to it.

Tomie herself is kept offscreen for most of the film, which is a shame because without a Big Bad to drive the story, the flick sorts of falls apart.  I know the filmmakers were trying to suggest that the patient could be Tomie (or at the very least, a Tomie clone), but they dance around the idea too much instead of doing very much of anything with the concept.  The overacting by the two cops who are working on Tomie-related incidents is a bit much too.  Another big stumbling block is the Found Footage segment that occurs halfway through.  It’s rather annoying and only seems like it was tossed in there to cater to the Blair Witch crowd. 

Overall, Tomie:  Revenge is a real letdown.  It’s especially disappointing considering it was directed by Ataru Oikawa, who also made the solid and effective Tomie:  Beginning.  He must’ve run out of places to take the franchise because this was his last time in the director’s chair for the series.

SAW X (2023) **

Saw X takes place in between first and second movies with the still very much alive Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) heading down to Mexico to see a doctor promising a miracle cure for his terminal brain cancer.  Turns out, she’s a snake oil salesman, so Jigsaw’s gotta get jiggy with it.  And by “get jiggy with it”, I mean “he’s got to put everyone from the clinic into his patented do-or-die traps, which put them at risk of life and limb while he presides over the festivities and passes moral judgment over them”.

Let’s get the positives out of the way first.  This is one of the rare Saw flicks that’s told in a linear fashion from point A to point B.  There’s no flashbacks or shoehorning shit in there, so it feels like a “real” sequel instead of a collection of deleted scenes and outtakes compiled together to make a movie.  The gore is solid too.  There’s a grisly self-brain surgery scene (that echoes the similar scene in Part 3), a gnarly severed head gag, and a funny moment where characters need to use a rope and there isn’t one handy so they... Well… I don’t want to spoil the best part of the film, so let’s say they choose to make a gutsy decision.

That’s about it though.  Although it’s far from the worst Saw movie (it’s pretty middle of the road in every regard) it’s by far the longest at two hours!  Seriously, did the world need a two-hour Saw movie?  I mean, it was directed by Kevin Greutert, the guy who edits most of these films.  You’d think he’d have the sense to cut it down a bit.  There’s a lot of yapping in between the set pieces, and even then, the traps wear out their welcome before long. 

Speaking of the traps, some are weak, and others tend to go too far.  I mean, if you ever wanted to see a little kid waterboarded with gallons of blood, here’s your chance.  What’s worse is the bait-and-switch that happens to the Saw X poster boy.  (Spoilers Ahead.)  You know, the guy with the tubes attached to his eyes?  Well, it’s kind of a crowd-pleasing moment when his eyes get Shop-Vac'ed out of his skull.  But then… it’s revealed that… SPOILER… it was all a daydream in Jigsaw’s head.  Lame.

Sadly, the scariest thing about the whole deal is Shawnee Smith’s hair!  Why wait all this time to bring her back and then have her look a damned sight?  If I was Jigsaw, I’d put her stylist in one of those traps.

1. Saw

2. Spiral:  From the Book of Saw

3. Saw 3

4. Saw 2

5. Saw X

6. Saw 6

7. Saw 5

8. Saw 3D

9. Jigsaw

10. Saw 4