TUBI CONTINUED… SANTA’S GOT STYLE (2022) **

Sometimes, if you highlight a movie on Tubi it will autoplay a scene if you leave the cursor on it for too long.  Usually, you just go about your business and move right along looking for a movie to watch.  Sometimes, the scene is so bonkers you just have to watch it in disbelief.  Sometimes, you even find yourself watching the film itself, even if it’s not something you’d ordinarily would want to see.  Such was the case with Santa’s Got Style. 

The scene selection in question features a handsome male model in a Santa beard, coiffed white hair, and designer suit walking into a department store in slow motion accompanied by a terrible rap song.  As he walks through the aisles, women stop dead in their tracks and salivate at the sight of him.  This scene alone was so funny that I decided I had to watch it in its proper context.  I mean, I’m a sucker for a stupid Christmas movie, especially this time of year.  Sad to say, the rest of the flick didn’t live up to this silly, but admittedly genuinely funny moment.  That said, it’s still far from the worst low budget Christmas movie you could waste your time on this holiday season. 

Kathryn (Planes, Trains, and Christmas Trees) Davis stars as Madison, the head of a department store who gets the missive from her superiors to create a new, hip, handsome “Stylin’ Santa” for their Christmas publicity campaign.  She reaches out to her friend Ethan (Well Suited for Christmas’ Franco Lo Presti), a former male model who runs a modeling agency, to find a handsome, stylish, Santa Claus.  When he can’t find any guys to fit the bill, he decides, as a joke, to put on a beard and show up anonymously as “Stylin’ Santa”.  Predictably, Madison loves the idea and wants him to head the campaign.  Since she has no idea it’s him, Ethan gives her a fake name and soon, he wows the ladies into coming into the store and maxing out their credit cards. 

Predictably, Ethan has the hots for Madison, but is afraid to tell her for fear of ruining their friendship.  Predictably, Madison falls in love with “Stylin’ Santa”, unaware it’s her friend behind the beard.  Predictably… ah hell you can figure it out for yourself. 

Most of this is lame and obvious.  (Yes, there’s a scene where Ethan and “Stylin’ Santa” have to be at the same function at the same time.) The big exception is the aforementioned slow-motion scene of “Stylin’ Santa” making all the ladies hot and bothered.  (Tubi really knew what scene to showcase for their autoplay menu.)  There’s a certain charm and a level of basic competence here, and I’m sure that alone will win over fans of low-budget sub-Hallmark Channel Christmas movies.  It definitely won’t win over any new fans to the genre, but it’s just silly enough to make for amiable background noise while you’re wrapping presents or entertaining guests at Christmastime. 

TUBI CONTINUED… AXE TO GRIND (2015) ***

Debbie Rochon stars as aging Scream Queen who snaps when her director (and former lover) passes her over for a younger actress.  She then follows a bunch of promising starlets to the location of his latest film, a rundown mental hospital, and crashes the set.  Jealous that this new crop of actresses are stealing her limelight, she sets out to chop up the competition one by one with an axe. 

Usually, I hate it in movies when new characters are introduced accompanied with little tongue-in-cheek title cards, but the practice is done in a rather amusing fashion in Axe to Grind.  Not only are the B-movie actresses given little nicknames when they appear for the first time, we also get to see their prior film credits splashed onto the screen.  Many of these titles are good for a chuckle too.  (The titles include “Double D Terror”, “God Save the Scream Queen”, and “I Defecate on Your Grave”.)  In fact, I’d pay good money to see Debbie and some of her fellow co-stars in feature-length versions of those flicks.

Nobody plays sexy psychos like Debbie Rochon.  Although the premise is derivate, it’s a solid foundation for a Rochon vehicle.  The major draw here is seeing Debbie getting another chance to do what she does best, namely looking hot and hacking people up.  While Axe to Grind might not be up there with the lofty heights of her incredible performance in American Nightmare, she’s still a lot of fun to watch. 

It’s not all good news.  The pacing doesn’t exactly work like clockwork.  The subplot of the dim-witted hospital janitor assisting Debbie in cleaning up after her kills wasn’t really necessary, and the back-and-forth flashback structure kind of takes away from the immediacy of the situation.  However, whenever Debbie is front and center flipping her shit and swinging her axe (which is often), Axe to Grind is tons of fun. 

TUBI CONTINUED… AXED TO PIECES (2020) ***

I know I’ve given Dustin Ferguson’s movies a lot of shit throughout this column, but every so often he squeaks out a winner.  As someone who’s sat through a bunch of bad Ferguson pictures, it pleases me to report Axed to Pieces is a lot of fun.  Ferguson nicely captures the look and feel of an old ‘80s shot-on-video horror flick.  From the scratchy video camera cinematography to the vintage outfits and hairstyles to the synthesized music, you’ll swear you’re watching a lost relic of the ‘80s and not a cheap movie made just a few years ago.  Sure, the modern phones are the obvious giveaway that it’s a newer film, but overall, this is about as close as you can get to the real thing without hopping into a time machine. 

A random lumberjack picks up an axe in the woods and becomes possessed by an evil spirit that commands him to kill.  He finds a chick aerobicizing in the woods and hacks her up.  Soon, more victims follow.  Finally, a guy whose mother was a victim of the axe murderer decides to go out into the woods to get revenge. 

Despite the archaic trappings of the film, the modern touches are equally fun.  This movie features a scene I’ve been waiting to see in a horror flick for a long time:  A moron walking aimlessly around is too busy playing Pokemon Go to realize a killer is standing right in front of him.  This flick isn’t perfect by any means, but it's worth watching just for this awesome sequence. 

Since this is a Dustin Ferguson movie, you just know there’s gonna be a lot of padding.  The biggest problem with the film is that many of the scenes of potential victims walking around the woods go on far too long.  Then again, if they didn’t, it would be thirty-five minutes long instead of fifty-two.  Still, as Ferguson joints go, Axed to Pieces is one of his best. 

TUBI CONTINUED… AXEGRINDER 666 (2023) ** ½

A goth chick (Jennie Russo) sacrifices her internet date at the grave of the axe maniac Freddy Palmer and performs a satanic ritual to bring the killer back to life.  Enter a group of goth girls who go to the beach to help their friend Kali (Stephanie Ward) get over a nasty breakup.  Naturally, her ex and his new girlfriend (who also happens to be Kali’s former best friend) both show up to spoil the goth girl getaway.  Before long, Freddy enters the picture sporting a newly acquired leather jacket and his trusty axe to further complicate matters. 

Axegrinder III had a plethora of BBW’s in the cast.  This one has more goth girls per square inch than any movie since The Craft.  There’s even a goth girl catfight.  I think they should’ve called it Axegrinder Goth Goth Goth.  If you have a fetish for goth chicks, feel free to add a Half-Star to the rating. 

The intentional humor works more often than not too, although a little of the weaselly “goth lord” Corbin (Jameson Duross) goes a long way.  The highlight is a sex scene so bizarre that it even turns the killer off, which I believe could possibly be a cinematic first.  (It begins with seduction via pinecone.)  This is followed by a much more traditional lesbian (and hot) goth girl tryst in a cemetery.  I also dug the random Curious Dr. Humpp reference where Russo tells the killer, “Use my body to keep you alive!” as she disrobes.  (Although the filmmakers probably thought they were referencing Rob Zombie.)

The gore is solid for the most part.  A guy’s dick is ripped off and shoved down his throat, there’s some gut ripping, a chainsaw is plunged into a stomach, and hands are cut off.  What more could you ask for, really?  It’s not great, but as far as “666” sequels go, you can do plenty worse. 

TUBI CONTINUED… AXEGRINDER 5: BLOOD VENGEANCE (2022) ** ½

After the slaughter of her cellmates by the psycho axe murderer Freddy Palmer, Cassie (Andrea Martina) has been stewing in a mental ward.  Unjustly blamed for the murders, she awaits sentencing, but is able to escape to a nearby warehouse where an all-girl rock band is practicing.  They vow to help clear her name and take her back to the woods to collect evidence on the killer.  Of course, Freddy has escaped from the government lab and is stalking the forest once again. 

This is another one of those deals that feels like it could’ve been one decent ninety-minute movie, but the filmmakers cut it in half and padded everything out with redundant scenes from the previous installments and turned it into two flimsy flicks.  This one kicks off with the last five minutes of Part 4 and there’s a long stretch where our heroine relates a bunch of flashbacks to the rock band.  I will say that when Axegrinder 5 is focused on showing new material, it works rather well.  I especially dug the all-girl rock band angle as it makes the film feel like an episode of Josie and the Pussycats directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis. 

The film’s attempts at intentional humor often fall flat.  The stuff with the weirdo flower-eating cousin (perhaps a nod to the original Little Shop of Horrors?) is lame.  The gore is OK though.  We get assorted axing, gut spilling, heart ripping (and eating), hand hacking, and decapitation.  Alas, the CGI blood splatters were unnecessary, seeing how the kills were already kind of juicy to begin with. 

The performances are solid this time around.  Martina once again essays the Final Girl role with aplomb, and Kaitlyn Furey is fun as the leader of the rock n’ roll band.  (Especially when she tries to “seduce” the killer.)  it was also nice seeing Veronica Ricci returning as the sexy psychic “Claire Voyant”, although I wish she had a little bit more to do.

TUBI CONTINUED… AXEGRINDER 4: SOULS OF BLOOD (2022) **

This sequel comes from Camp Blood 8 director Dennis Devine.  Porn star Sally Mullins (also in Camp Blood 8) is a scientist studying the regenerative properties of Freddy, the Axegrinder killer.  She decides to conduct a field study and lets him loose in his old backwoods stomping grounds.  Meanwhile, a counselor takes a group of female prisoners into the woods for an outdoor Christian camping therapy trip.  It’s only a matter of time before they run afoul of the bloodthirsty killer. 

Axegrinder 4 has a decent gimmick.  Since the women are all prisoners, they have ankle monitors that will shock them if they get too far away from the guard.  Naturally, the guard is one of the first victims, so the prisoners can only run so far away from the killer. 

When the film is concentrating on this plotline, it works rather well.  However, the scenes with the mad scientists are decidedly less effective, even with Mullins’ constant mugging.  The denouement also runs on way too long.  It’s almost as if the flick felt compelled to wrap up a lot of plot threads that really didn’t need wrapping up.  Had the filmmakers cut down the last fifteen minutes or so, it would’ve easily gotten ** ½.  Instead, it just unnecessarily spins its wheels long after the climax.  That said, any movie that starts off with sexy lesbians playing tag and features Veronica Ricci as a scantily clad psychic can’t get any less than ** in my book. 

Axegrinder 4 also suffers from a lot of padding.  There are flashback scenes from the first three flicks and a blooper reel too.  In addition, the kills are kind of ho-hum this time around as the only highlights come when Freddy cuts off a girl’s foot (that still has her ankle monitor attached) and delivers a backbreaker wrestling move on another gal.  Even though I might not have been “axing” for more, Devine delivered an immediate sequel the same year.

TUBI CONTINUED… AXEGRINDER III (2022) ***

Tubi didn’t have Axegrinder 2, so I just jumped right ahead to 3.  My expectations were in the toilet since the original was so bad.  Much to my surprise, I really dug this one.

The high-tech security system at the mental institution goes on the fritz, allowing all the loonies to escape.  Freddy, the psycho axe killer returns home to discover a couple is now living in his old house.  He then takes after them with an axe to reclaim his property. 

The film features a solid cast for this sort of thing.  The director of Manos Returns, Tonjia Atomic shows up as the star of the security system commercial.  Speaking of Manos, the star of the original Manos, The Hands of Fate, Jackey Neyman Jones also turns up as a documentary host.  While her role is little more than an extended cameo, it nice that she graced the film with her Z-Movie legacy.  It was also fun seeing Mel Heflin, a veteran of the Camp Blood series, popping up for a bit. 

Sure, Axegrinder III is guilty of padding.  It opens with flashbacks to the first movie and has long scenes of people watching TV.  Since most of the shows they watch feature chicks modeling naked and/or showering, it’s okay by me. 

Oh, and if you like your ladies on the thicc side, this movie will be right up your alley.  They have no qualms with getting naked too.  There’s even a hot tub three-way with an extra-large throuple.  If you’re a fan of BBW’s, you’ll definitely want to add an extra Half-Star to the rating.  (There are also lots of scenes of people eating hotdogs for whatever reason.) 

This one is a little different than the original in that the killer doesn’t wear a clown mask.  Instead, he just pulls the brim of his baseball cap down over his face, kind of like the killer in the Prom Night remake.  It also takes him about half the movie to finally use his trusty axe.  Most of the time, he strangles, stabs, and hammers people.  That’s not really a criticism, but merely an observation.  Either way, it’s still a big improvement over the original.  The highlight comes when an influencer chains herself to a tree to protest deforestation and gets offed by the killer.  The theme song, which sounds inspired by the “Disco Jason” theme from Friday the 13th 3-D, is really groovy, too.