LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE (1973) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

If you ever wondered where Quentin Tarantino got the inspiration for the Daryl Hannah character in the Kill Bill movies, this is it.

Christina (Sex and Fury) Lindberg plays a young mute woman who is picked up by a stranger who drugs her, gets her addicted to heroin and forces her into a life of prostitution. When she claws her first customer’s face, he retaliates by slicing her eye open with a scalpel. She dons an eye patch (A different color to match her different outfits. This girl knows how to accessorize!) and slowly grows accustomed to her perverted customers. Luckily for her she gets one day off a week (!) which she uses to learn kung fu, take stunt driving lessons and proper firearm safety which she’ll later use for her elaborate slow motion revenge scheme.

This definitely isn’t one for the squeamish. The eye slicing scene is shown in glorious detail (an actual corpse was used!) and some of the sex scenes feature hardcore XXX penetration.

While the set-up has all the makings for the ultimate revenge film, the film loses its way during the final act once Lindberg actually starts to take her revenge. Director Bo A. Vibenius’ over reliance on slow motion pointlessly draws the film out and slows it down to a crawl when it should really be turning up the heat. (It makes a Peckinpah movie look like a hyper-edited MTV video.)

Still Lindberg’s performance and a generous helping of sleazy exploitation sex and violence still makes this one highly recommended.

AKA: They Call Her One Eye. AKA: Hooker’s Revenge. AKA: Thriller.

QUICK THOUGHTS:  

I hadn’t seen Thriller:  A Cruel Picture in a while, and I still found it to be very effective.  What makes it work is Vibenius’ matter of fact handling of Lindberg’s humiliation, degradation, and initiation into prostitution.  If he was already filling the movie with sleazy atmosphere, it would’ve been hard to take.  Plus, the sudden shift into hardcore territory wouldn’t have been so shocking either. 

I still say he went overboard on the slow-motion in the third act.  I know Vibenius wanted to milk the revenge portion of the film for all its worth and draw out the bad guys’ death, but it all borders on (pun intended) overkill.  I’m sure he was just riding on what Arthur Penn and Sam Peckinpah were doing.  It’s just that it becomes monotonous after a while.  I mean you could theoretically go and make yourself a sandwich at the beginning of the scene where Lindberg Kung Fus a couple of cops and by the time you come back, she’d still be karate chopping them.  Despite those quibbles, the film still is able to cement its rightful place as one of the gnarliest revenge flicks of all time. 

4K UHD NOTES:  

I’m not a 4K expert by any means, but as the year progresses, I’ll try to learn all the lingo and buzzwords the big boys use when they review these things.  As far as I’m concerned, this looked great.  Instead of touching the film up to make it look brand-spanking new, the folks at Vinegar Syndrome did their best to preserve the film to how it looked when it was originally screened.  They kept much of the grain in and on my 4K TV it looked probably the same it did on the grindhouse circuit on opening night.  Oh, and the eye-popping scene looked really… uh… eye popping in 4K.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL

I spent 2023 watching a different movie on Tubi a day.  Because of that, I didn’t get a chance to watch many of the movies on my “To Be Watched” shelf.  That didn’t stop me from buying movies though.  Also, Santa Claus brought me a 4K TV and 4K UHD Blu-Ray player this year, so I have been spending my leftover Christmas money accumulating another format of movies when I still have Blu-Ray, DVD, and VHS on my shelf that I haven’t watched yet.  Because of that, the shelf is now overflowing.  The only way I figured I could correct this is to spend 2024 watching a different movie on physical media every day.  (As you can tell, I’m already running behind.)  

So, the bet is to watch 366 movies in 366 days this year (goddamned Leap Year).  What I plan to do, as to not make it as time-consuming as last year’s endeavor, is watch a different movie every day in varying formats.  If I have already reviewed that movie in the past, I will simply just repost that review, instead of writing a new one.  However, if my feelings have changed about the film, I may make some notes as I did with my Al Adamson, Ray Dennis Steckler, and Doris Wishman tributes.  If the film in question is viewed in 4K, I will certainly add notes about the picture presentation and if it was worth the upgrade or not.  If it’s a movie I’ve never seen before… well… I’ll just review it as usual.  

Since I have a lot of multi-pack DVD collections on my shelf that have tons of movies I have already reviewed, I will probably just repost those reviews, even though there’s ten to twenty on each one.  My thinking is to watch those over the summer when my work schedule ramps up, so I won’t be totally exhausted between work and writing.  

Oh, and I also plan to take pictures of my movie shelf about once a movie to show my progress (or lack thereof), which should be fun.

So, that’s the bet.  Will I be able to make it through an entire year watching physical media and come out the other side sane?  Only one way to find out!  

OOPS... THE FINAL TUBI CONTINUED... REVIEW (I SWEAR THIS TIME)

Maybe it was all those Ultraman flicks that tripped me up.  Perhaps it was the oddball numbering system on the Camp Blood movies.  Whatever the case, I somehow miscounted and only reviewed 364 movies on Tubi in 365 days instead of the promised 365.  If you bet against the house, I'd say you won on a technicality.  To make up for this grave oversight, I am going to give everyone a sneak peek of my latest book, Kung Fu Companion:  The Chopsocky Movie Guide with this review of Enemies Closer, which is available to stream on Tubi.  I hope you all can forgive me.  

ENEMIES CLOSER  (2014)  ** ½ 

It took nearly twenty years, but Jean-Claude Van Damme and his Timecop/Sudden Death director Peter Hyams finally reunited to make this solid actioner.  The twist this time out is that Van Damme’s actually playing the villain.  Although he doesn’t quite eclipse his villainous turn in The Expendables 2, it still remains one of his all-time best performances and his scenery-chewing is easily the best thing about the film.

An airplane full of heroin goes down in the water near the US/Canada border.  A group of mercenaries posing as Mounties (led by Van Damme) come on the scene looking for it.  Meanwhile, a Special Forces solider-turned-park ranger (Tom Everett Scott) is assaulted by a man (Orlando Jones) who holds him responsible for his brother’s death during the war.  Their beef is quickly put on hold when they cross paths with Van Damme and his men.  The two men then have to learn to work together in order to survive.

Hyams keeps things moving at a steady clip for the most part.    The film is rather engaging for a while, but it takes a nosedive in quality in the third act as the scenes of people running around in the dark quickly get repetitive and wear out their welcome.  (These scenes are often too dark to clearly make out the action.)  Another stumbling block:  It’s just plain odd seeing the usually good-natured Tom Everett (That Thing You Do) Scott and Orlando (Double Take) Jones trying to act tough.  I for one never thought I’d see the American Werewolf in Paris fight The Muscles from Brussels.  

Most of the fun comes from Van Damme’s hilarious off-kilter performance.  He goes way over the top and seems to be having the time of his life.  Sporting poofy red hair and a devilish grin, Van Damme minces around in a Mountie outfit and goes on and on about his pet political causes like veganism and pollution.  His maniacal laughter, erratic behavior, and deranged monologues (including one about a pet goose he had when he was a kid) in some ways make him a bit reminiscent of The Joker.  (Caesar Romero or Heath Ledger, take your pick.)  He also gets the best line when he says, “Think about our carbon footprints!  Think about the children!”

COMIC BOOK CATCH-UP: BLUE BEETLE (2023) ** ½

Young college grad Jaime Reyes (Xolo Mariduena) has his world turned upside down when an alien scarab-shaped bioweapon attaches itself to him and grants him superpowers.  Naturally, an evil corporate slimeball (Susan Sarandon), who wants to use the bug to make her own private army, will stop at nothing to get it back.  After she kidnaps Jaime, she plans to remove the bug, which will kill him.   It’s then up to his eccentric family to rescue him and save the day. 

Blue Beetle is highly derivative, but mostly enjoyable.  The origin story is a mix of Spider-Man and Iron Man as Jaime’s bitten by a bug that allows him to transform into a super soldier in an armor-plated battle suit that comes equipped with a heads-up display and insect-like powers and weaponry.  Like Ms. Marvel, he also has a gaggle of rowdy family members rooting him on, including the annoying George Lopez.  His machine gun-toting granny is kinda funny though. 

The first transformation scene has some icky Cronenbergian touches, but it’s still well within the realm of a PG-13 rating.  The film also has kind of a Greatest American Hero vibe as the suit has all the powers and the guy wearing it is just an average Joe who somehow got stuck with it.  In fact, his first test flight is especially reminiscent of that classic show. 

All of this is more or less entertaining.  It’s also refreshingly low stakes for this sort of thing, which is nice.  I just wish the character of Jaime had a bit of an edge about him as he’s essentially a cookie cutter goodie two-shoes.  At least the suit is cool, and the cyborg battles are fun.  All in all, it's not bad, but it feels more like a TV show than a big budget superhero extravaganza.  (Although that’s not necessarily a bad thing.)  

I guess the big stumbling block is Sarandon’s villain.  Her character is one note and she’s sorely miscast.  Blue Beetle has a few other shortcomings here and there, but I can’t get too upset by them because the film contains a scene where a giant farting robot bug steps on bad guys while “Kickstart My Heart” plays on the soundtrack.  I can honestly say I’ve never seen that in a movie before, so… ** ½.  

DC EXTENDED UNIVERSE RANKING:  

Batman v Superman:  Dawn of Justice: ****

Man of Steel:  ****

The Flash: *** ½ 

Aquaman:  *** ½

Wonder Woman:  *** ½

Justice League:  *** ½

Shazam!:  ***

Suicide Squad:  ***

The Suicide Squad:  ** ½ 

Blue Beetle: ** ½ 

Black Adam:  **

Shazam!  Fury of the Gods:  **

WW84:  * ½ 

Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn):  * ½ 

COMIC BOOK CATCH-UP: THE FLASH (2023) *** ½

From the opening title scene of the titular speedster zipping by the old school Warner Brothers and DC logos, to the overblown and overstuffed finale, The Flash is a blast.  The opening sequence where The Flash (Ezra Miller) comes to Gotham City to back up Batman (Ben Affleck) is simply awesome, and the scene where he uses his super-speed to save an entire NICU ward from a collapsing hospital while simultaneously eating breakfast has a fun tinge of Buster Keaton-style humor.  This stretch of the movie culminates with a fun mini-Justice League reunion, which is nice, seeing how this is probably the last time we’ll see them on screen together. 

The plot is busy, but breezy.  The Flash discovers if he runs fast enough, he can go back in time.  He decides to use the power to go back and save his mother from being murdered.  Naturally, he saves her but winds up screwing up the space time continuum in the process. 

Despite his offscreen antics, Miller is terrific in this, especially during the scenes where he plays off of a younger version of himself.  Some of his scenes together are hilarious, like when The Flash 2.0 gains his powers and immediately abuses them.  Other humorous touches (like the Back to the Future references) offer up big laughs as well. 

Oh, and let’s talk about how good it is to see Michael Keaton as Batman again.  He never received a proper trilogy, and we were swindled out of seeing him in The Batgirl movie, so this is likely his swan song as the character, and he doesn’t disappoint.  Sure, a lot of the time the script is trading on our nostalgia for the character, but honestly, I have to say it was a fair trade. 

The main flaw is that the finale is a bit too chaotic and overblown.  While the brief glimpses of the Multiverse versions of your favorite DC characters are fun, they don’t really amount to anything more than fan service (and most are rendered with chintzy CGI).  At least the final stinger is good for a laugh.  

Sure, it may have a few missteps down the homestretch, but The Flash is still in the running as one of the best comic book movies of the year.

DC EXTENDED UNIVERSE RANKING:  

Batman v Superman:  Dawn of Justice: ****

Man of Steel:  ****

The Flash: *** ½ 

Aquaman:  *** ½

Wonder Woman:  *** ½

Justice League:  *** ½

Shazam!:  ***

Suicide Squad:  ***

The Suicide Squad:  ** ½ 

Black Adam:  **

Shazam!  Fury of the Gods:  **

WW84:  * ½ 

Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn):  * ½

TUBI CONTINUED… WRAP-UP

So, what did I learn from watching 365 movies on Tubi in 365 days?  I learned it’s possible to have only one streaming service and be mostly content with the uh… content.  There’s some good stuff on Tubi, and there’s a lot of crap, but it’s MY kind of crap.  I don’t know if I can in good conscience cancel the various streaming services I pay for and chuck it all for Tubi, but it WOULD theoretically be possible to do so.  

Tubi, for my money, is the closest you can get to that old mom and pop video store feeling.  The kind that carried the weird kinds of crap the big names dare not rent.  Because of that, I will still continue to frequent Tubi, mostly because you just never know what kind of weird shit will turn up on there.  However, I don’t think I could do it on a daily basis again.  

Before I close the door on this column, I did a little data crunching and was surprised by the results.  You might not give a rip about these stats, but I kind of got a kick out of them.  

In the past year on Tubi I have watched…

365 movies in 365 days… including…

41 movies with the word “Massacre” in the title…

29 Ultraman movies…

27 Fake Amityville movies…

13 Lingerie Fighting Championships…

17 movies directed by Mark Polonia… and…

15 movies directed by Dustin Ferguson

Also, here’s the Ten Best and Worst Tubi Discoveries of the Year…

Ten Best: 

1. Lingerie Fighting Championships 31:  Booty Camp 2

2. Lingerie Fighting Championships 37:  Back to the Mansion 

3. Lingerie Fighting Championships 28:  Sindependence Day

4. Lingerie Fighting Championships 36:  Booty Camp 4 

5. Lingerie Fighting Championships 34:  United We Stand

6. L.A. AIDS Jabber 

7. Lingerie Fighting Championships 21:  Naughty n’ Nice 

8. Lingerie Fighting Championships 30:  Born to Be Wild

9. Lingerie Fighting Championships 29:  A Hot Midsummer Night’s Dream

10. Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend 

Ten Worst:

1. All Jacked Up and Full of Worms

2. Bikini Hackers 

3. Cocaine Shark 

4. Werewolf Bitches from Outer Space

5. After School Special 

6. The Manson Family Massacre

7. Space Vampire

8. Savage Vengeance 

9. Mt. Misery Rd.

10. Amityville Hex 

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, Mitch… you just spent the last year of your life watching Tubi movies.  You should really take a break or seek psychiatric help.  And you know what?  I think I will take a break from streaming movies on a daily basis in 2024.  

HOWEVER… that’s just another way of saying instead of streaming movies on a daily basis, I will be watching movies on a physical media format on a daily basis in 2024.  That’s right, folks.  I’ll be back on my bullshit next year (or… tomorrow) with a new movie-a-day column called Let’s Get Physical where I try to watch 366 movies in 366 days (it’s a Leap Year after all).  

Happy New Year, everyone!

TUBI CONTINUED… CAROUSH3LL (2023) **

Well, we’ve finally made it.  We’ve come to the end of the year-long Tubi Continued… column.  I don't want to pat myself on the back, but watching 365 movies on Tubi in 365 days is nothing to sneeze at.  Because of that, I wanted to finish out the series with a bang, so I picked a movie that I thought couldn’t miss, the third film in the CarousHELL saga, CarousH3LL.  I was wrong.

A rabbit carousel animal crashes an Easter party and kills everyone.  Meanwhile, Duke the killer unicorn carousel horse (the voice of Steve Rimpici) is trying to reconnect with his half-human half-horse son, Robbie.  A one-eyed killer (director Steve Rudzinski) with a grudge against Duke enters the fray and makes an uneasy alliance with the rabbit to take Duke down. 

I was a fan of the first film and, to a lesser extent, Part 2.  This one was a bit of a disappointment, but the first ten minutes are pure CarousHELL gold.  There’s a three-way sex scene where the killer rabbit and a couple go to town on each other that goes on for a long time.  (Note:  That’s not a criticism.)  This scene is made all the better since Jessa Flux looks smoking hot in and out of her sexy bunny cosplay.  Folks, this will probably go down as the sex scene of the year.  Too bad it’s all downhill from there. 

The big misstep is the sidelining of Duke for much of the action in favor of director’s eye patch-wearing character.  When Duke is front and center, it’s moderately fun.  When Rudzinski takes center stage, the film sinks.  Also, some long, dialogue-heavy flashback scenes are repeated twice for some reason.  (Most likely to pad out the running time.)  The switch away from carousel animals to sports team mascot types of characters late in the film feels like an attempt to capture the furry market too. There’s also a random wrestling scene that’s just sort of there. 

The kills this time around include decapitations, scythes entering various locations of the body, eye gouging, heart ripping, face chopping, and unicorn horn impalement.  Nothing cuts as deep as the onslaught of bad puns though. 

AKA:  CarousHELL 3.