FORMAT: VHS
Penthouse Video was always slightly more risqué than the similarly themed Playboy tapes, if only because the models’ pubic regions were trimmed and/or bare so you could see glimpses of their genitalia. In the age of internet porn this will all probably seem rather chaste. However, if you were a teenage boy in the ‘90s (as I was). the Penthouse Video tapes were where it was at.
The tape kicks off with previews for other Penthouse Videos such as Satin and Lace, Fast Cars Fantasy Women, and Passport to Paradise. Then the main attraction begins. It’s a collection of hit-and-miss motorcycle-themed vignettes of nude biker babes.
The first one is called “Biker Chicks” (** ½), and it plays like a naughty rock video version of The Violent Years. Three sexy biker babes roam the countryside, accosting and hogtying unsuspecting men (and women) before having their way with them. The ladies all look great in this segment, but the MTV editing kinda prevents it from gathering up much steam.
Next, we have “Satin and Lace” (** ½), a black and white sequence where a biker dude bangs Monique Gabrielle on the back of his motorcycle. While this scene begins promisingly enough, there’s not a whole lot to it and it’s over before it really begins.
“Bar Dance” (***) is a fun sequence where two hot blondes become bored by the dates, pop a quarter in the jukebox, and start stripping on the bar. This one effectively straddles the line of fantasy and “Letters to Penthouse” style of straitlaced people having a wild encounter, although you have to wait till the very end to see how it fits into the overall biker theme.
Then, a pre-porn, pre-tattoos Janine does a sexy dance in a studio on and around a motorcycle while clad in leather in “Locked in Leather” (** ½). Like the first segment, this is little more than a rock video, but you know, with boobs.
“Bikers and Guys” (**) is up next, and it’s a leisurely paced assortment of random scenes of girls (one of which is Julie Strain) slowly disrobing for the camera while a lazy blues guitar plays on the soundtrack. Oh, and occasionally some guys on motorcycles ride by. This scene just feels like filler and worse, looks like it may have been cobbled together from outtakes of a previous Penthouse video. Even though it ends with Strain straddling a biker dude and dry humping him, it still isn’t all that entertaining or hot.
After that, we have “Daydreaming (** ½) where a motorcycle mechanic has hallucinations of Julie K. Smith dressed (and undressed) as Marilyn Monroe. Julie looks great here all done up as Marilyn, but there really isn’t a whole lot to this unusually short sequence.
This is followed by yet another faux MTV rock video segment, “Fire and Water” (**) featuring more bosomy biker babes. Again, it just feels like filler, and some of the footage was even recycled from previous segments.
A hitchhiking hippie chick gets picked up by a biker who bangs her in the woods in “Flower Child” (**). This segment is kind of tame and pretty lame, and the slow rock song on the soundtrack is awful.
A morbidly obese biker stops reading Penthouse to play a rock cassette which summons Penthouse Pets out of thin air who then strip for him and his buddies in “Biker Gang” (** ½). The Pets are hot, and there’s some good energy in this scene, but the fat grubby biker dudes are kind of hard to take.
Julie K. Smith is back to do some “Solo Dancing” (****) in another rock video segment. She has a lot of energy as she shimmies and shakes in front of a motorcycle. I’m a big fan of Julie’s and this sequence gives you just about everything you could hope to see from her. The close-ups of Smith ripping her mesh outfit and baring it all for the camera are particularly hot. Although this segment is kind of short, it’s definitely the highlight of the tape.
Julie Strain is the focus of the final segment, “Ready to Die” (**). She entices the grubby bikers from the earlier segment, and they chase her on the highway with their bikes. Once they finally catch up to her, she lets have their way with her. Then, we find out it was all a dream!?! HUH!?! This one just goes on way too long, and not even the sexy allure of Julie can save this unsexy, meandering sequence.
Ultimately, Ready to Ride might not be one of Penthouse’s best videos, but the fact that it features such soon to be porn luminaries such as Janine and Tiffany Mynx and B-Movie Queens like Julie Strain, Julie K. Smith, and Monique Gabrielle will make it well worth watching for their legions of fans.
AKA: Penthouse: Ready to Ride.
