LET’S GET PHYSICAL: PHENOMENA (1985) ** ½

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007, under the title, Creepers)

A pre-Labyrinth Jennifer Connelly stars in Dario Argento’s film about a misfit girl who has a psychic connection with insects who teams up with a paraplegic forensic expert (Donald Pleasence) and his super smart chimp to solve a series of brutal murders. The murder sequences are pure Argento and include a cool decapitated head and a sword through the back of a girl’s head and out her mouth. The pacing drags substantially mid-movie, but the rousing finale is among Argento’s best work. The nightmarish imagery involves a pit full of maggots, a mutant killer kiddie, a bee attack, and a homicidal primate. The best part of the movie is the cool soundtrack by rock bands such as Motorhead, Iron Maiden and Goblin. Co-starring the director’s wife Daria Nicolodi and the director’s daughter, Fiore. 20 minutes were cut out by the American distributors, but later DVD releases were fully restored.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

This is the longer Italian version that clocks in nearly thirty minutes longer than the American release.  While it provides more backstory and fleshes out Jennifer Connelly’s character, I can certainly understand the reasoning behind the cuts.  I’ve always felt that this is one of Argento’s most uneven films, but the rewards mostly outweigh the pokey pacing.  The reinstated scenes unfortunately make things a tad bit pokier.  There’s probably enough plot and weird imagery for three movies here and Argento strings the audience along a bit too much.  However, the last fifteen minutes achieve a wondrous fever dream anything-goes sense of dread like only Argento can craft. 

4K UHD NOTES:

Fortunately, if you want to see the American version, Creepers, it, along with yet another version of the film, is included along with a host of extras.  The 4K scan is quite good, which enhances Argento’s lush visuals.  The underwater scenes in the finale are particularly beautiful.  In fact, the film looks so detailed that some of the gore (most noticeably the hand in the opening scene) looks a little fakey.  That said, speaking as someone who previously owned the film on DVD as part of a Mill Creek 50 pack of horror movies, this comes as a major upgrade in every way. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LET ME DIE A WOMAN (1977) ****

FORMAT:  VHS (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

In many ways, this is director Doris (Deadly Weapons) Wishman’s ultimate movie.  It’s a crazy, anything-goes pseudo-documentary about sex changes and transvestites.  It would make a perfect double feature with Glen or Glenda.  While it doesn’t match that film’s fever dream WTF? power, it comes pretty close.  It also delivers what Glen or Glenda promised and couldn’t show:  actual footage of a sex change operation performed in graphic detail.  

Wishman intercuts an interview with “Leslie” (“A year ago, I was a man!”) a real transgendered Puerto Rican with footage of a real doctor, Leo Wolman (who relies heavily on cue cards) who introduces us to several real transvestites and transsexuals.  He refers to their plight as a “monstrous biological joke”.  There are even sex scenes with said transsexuals and some simulated scenes with porn vets Harry Reems and Vanessa Del Rio.  The craziest part (if you don’t count the operation scenes) is Wolman’s story of a man who wanted to become a woman so much he cut off his own penis using a chisel and a hammer!  This incident is lovingly recreated in graphic detail for your viewing pleasure.  If that doesn’t make you squirm in your seat, I don’t know what will.  

This is one of the craziest movies ever made and only the strongest of stomachs need apply.  If you loved Glen or Glenda (or maybe even Faces of Death) then what are you waiting for?  Wishman started filming this as early as 1971 (as Adam or Eve) but later added the interview footage and released it in ’77.

AKA:  Man or Woman?

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: NIGHT RHYTHMS (1992) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Martin Hewitt is Nick West, a radio call-in show host who offers his listeners intimate sex advice.  Sometimes, the smooth-talking Nick gets so worked up during the show that he has phone sex with his listeners over the air, bringing them to orgasm as he tells them everything he’d like to do to them.  He meets a stripper named Honey (Tracy Tweed, Shannon’s sister) in a bar and they immediately hit it off.  She gets hassled by her possessive boss (David Carradine) and Nick intervenes and scares him and his goons off.  Honey then rewards Nick with some hot sex.  Later, they have sex in the studio while Nick is on the air.  Afterwards, Nick wakes up to find Honey lying dead next to him.  Wanted for murder, he goes on the lam and sets out to clear his name.

Night Rhythms is another solid erotic thriller from Gregory (Animals Instincts) Hippolyte (AKA:  Gregory Dark).  The saxophone-driven soundtrack, elegant cinematography (by Christopher Nolan’s future director of photography, Wally Pfister), and heavy-breathing, scantily clad, enormously bosomed cast help set the mood.  I can’t say it’s a classic of its kind, but fans of the genre will certainly appreciate it.

The plot utilizes a standard template, but what makes it fun is the way Nick’s reputation precedes him.  Even while on the run from desperate villains and pesky cops, women will drop everything just to test him out in the sack, and he is more than willing to oblige.  This fuck-in-the-face-of-danger attitude is what gives Night Rhythms its charm.  It’s not believable in any way, but who cares?  

Hewitt is involved in nearly every sex scene.  You have to wonder if he acted in this for free.  I know I would’ve.  There’s a great scene where he eludes the police with the help of two sexy strippers who take him back to their place for a scintillating three-way.  His scenes with Tweed (one in a bar and the other in his studio where he ties her up and bangs her on his DJ console) are quite steamy.

The supporting cast is fun too.  Carradine makes for an appropriately scummy villain, Sam J. (Flash Gordon) Jones puts in a fine turn as a detective, and Delia Sheppard is sexy as Nick’s producer.  It takes a while before Sheppard gets in on the fun, but her hot romp with Deborah Driggs late in the picture is well worth the wait.  Add in Julie Strain in an extended cameo as a horny housewife and you have a recipe for a saucy slice of late-night cable erotica.

AKA:  Night Crimes.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: WICKED, WICKED (1973) ***

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 9th, 2008)

Remember that awesome scene in Sisters when director Brian DePalma switched to split-screen after Jennifer Salt witnessed the murder and you got to see Margot Kidder and William Finley hiding the body on one screen while the police were closing in on the other?  Well Wicked, Wicked takes that idea to the nth degree.  It was filmed in “Duo-Vision”, which means literally 95% of the movie is shown in split screen.  For example, on one screen you see the victim getting dressed and on the other, you see the killer slowly approaching her.  Then, when the murderer actually kills his victim, it switches to full screen so you can see every bloody stab.

 

The plot has a nutty electrician (Randolph Roberts) bumping off blondes in a large resort hotel.  He lives in a secret room on a missing floor and keeps the bodies of his victims preserved and props them up around a table to make it look like they’re having a tea party.  He falls in love with a beautiful lounge singer (Tiffany Bolling from Kingdom of the Spiders), who is more or less safe from his murderous advances because she’s a brunette.  However, once she goes on stage wearing a blonde wig, he snaps and sets out to make her his next victim.

 

Roberts does a good job as the killer.  He’s sensitive whenever he’s acting “sane” and is pretty out there whenever he kills.  His disguise is just a Halloween mask turned inside out; it’s simple, yet effective and creepy looking.  Bolling is also well cast as the object of his affections and even gets to belt out two musical numbers, including the hilarious title tune.  (“Wicked, Wicked”/”That’s the ticket!”)

 

The gore is surprisingly decent for a PG horror flick from the ‘70s.  The stabbing sequences are pretty cool as is the scene where Randolph uses a guillotine to decapitate his victims.  The best scene though is the climatic fall onto a fence post that takes full advantage of the Duo-Vision gimmick.

 

That’s basically what Wicked, Wicked is:  a gimmick movie.  It’s easy to see why there were no more films shown in this process.  One obvious reason is time and money.  Since you have two scenes being projected at once, it’s like literally editing two films; something that I’m sure ate up the flick’s budget.  Also, the effect gets a little disorienting on your eyes after a while.  Not as bad as 3-D, but still.

 

Although the gimmick begins to wear out its welcome as the film progresses, the filmmakers keep the gag from getting stale by making clever use out of the split screens.  Sometimes they use the dual screens for ironic effect.  Like when some old woman tells a story about how she used to be a ballerina who “danced in front of kings”, the other screen projects the truth where she actually was a stripper, shaking her goodies in front of a bunch of drunk and horny men.  Also, whenever the killer starts getting depressed, the other screen shows flashbacks of his troubled youth to make you sympathize with him. 

 

Wicked, Wicked is a gimmick movie, but it’s a good one and besides, there weren’t many gimmick movies being made in the ‘70s anyway.  There’s no other film quite like it, which means it comes highly recommended.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LOST INNOCENCE (2003) **

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 20th, 2012, under the title, Accidental Stripper)

Myla Leigh is this hot chick that inherits a strip club from her uncle. The uncle’s former girlfriend (some skanky German chick with a manly voice) thinks he owed her a living and she tries to steal the club out from under her. Not only that, but it seems the Mob wants their cut of the place too. Naturally, the only solution to Myla’s problems is to get up on stage and shake what her mama gave her.

Accidental Stripper is another one of those Hot Chick Inherits a _________ Skinamax deals. They’ve been using this template for 30 years now and for good reason. It offers JUST enough plot to hang a bunch of sex scenes on.

Speaking of which, the sex scenes run the gamut from passable, to too short, to so-so, to pretty good. That’s just a roundabout way of saying they’re all over the place. While they’re not necessarily bad, they don’t exactly get your blood pumping either. Another debit is that the film relies a bit too heavily on stripping scenes. Then again with a title like “Accidental Stripper”, I guess that’s to be expected. Overall, there are five Guy on Girl scenes, two Girl on Girl scenes, and four Striptease sequences. That means we get 11 sex scenes in the span of 87 minutes, which isn’t bad for this sort of thing.

Something else that holds the film back is the performance of Myla Leigh. Sure, she looks plenty hot, but she’s kind of a cold fish when it comes to getting down and dirty. Her Asian friend on the other hand isn’t all that, yet she seems enthusiastic during her sex scenes. Sometimes enthusiasm makes all the difference.

MAHAKAAL (1994) **

Mahakaal is the Bollywood version of A Nightmare on Elm Street.  If you’re reading this review, you’re probably the kind of person who would watch something like this.  It also helps if you have a high tolerance for nonsense, especially if you’re like me and watched a version without subtitles. 

The scenes that are like A Nightmare on Elm Street are easy to follow because they’re rather close copies.  The boiler room sets are adequately reproduced given the budget.  Freddy’s glove also looks like the real McCoy, even if Freddy himself (or whatever they call him in this) just looks like a dude with a messed-up face, mullet, and trench coat.  (Maybe Wes Craven copied this for New Nightmare.)  The music is also fairly close as it just sounds like the original score played in a minor key.  There’s also a fairly spot-on crib of the waterbed death from Part 4.

The plot is essentially the same.  The big difference is that it takes forever for anyone to get killed, and lots of time is spent on inconsequential dance scenes.  (This is a Bollywood movie after all.)  There are also random Kung Fu fights and oddball comedy characters.  One dude is a Peeping Tom hotel clerk with a Charlie Chaplin mustache, but the best character is a Michael Jackson wannabe, who in the film’s funniest scene, struts into the cafeteria dancing to "Thriller"! 

WTF touches like this make it worth watching for Freddy fans and/or aficionados of odd world cinema.  There are even a couple of cool new flourishes, including a scene when Freddy scratches a wall and a bunch of snakes come out, and a strange bit at an aquarium.  However, none of this exactly adds up to a “good” movie.  Nor does it quite live up to its lofty potential.  Like most Bollywood flicks, it’s way too long and has too many dull stretches in between the highlights.  (The long disco number especially bogs things down.)  Still, as A Nightmare on Elm Street remakes go, its miles better than the 2010 version. 

AKA:  The Monster.  AKA:  Time of Death.

PENTHOUSE: 25TH ANNIVERSARY SWIMSUIT VIDEO (1994) *** ½

To celebrate a quarter of a century in the erotic industry, Penthouse released this sexy video. At first, it feels like just a cash-in on the popular Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Videos that were popular at the time.  You may think to yourself, why would Penthouse models even need swimsuits?

Luckily for us, each model spends approximately forty-five seconds in their respective swimsuits before chucking their bikinis aside and rolling around naked and undulating.  As a bonus, whenever the ladies are writhing up and down, there are plenty of shots of their nether regions that are so close they could be used in a gynecological textbook.  You won’t find that in a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Video, that’s for sure.

The first big scene is set at a ritzy mansion where four models do a separate dance number before hopping in the pool.  Then, two models wearing lots of Day Glo and denim perform a striptease at the beach.  Then, a chick in a cheetah print bikini disrobes on a matching couch.  This is followed by a cheeky (in both senses of the word) segment set at a military boot camp where the recruits take a bath, apply suntan lotion, and shower.  This segment is hampered by some unnecessary shaky-cam videography, but it doesn’t totally distract from the action.  Next, a bunch of models dressed like hippies take it off in front of a psychedelic background.  This is a fun scene since many models wear bikinis that are the same color as the green screen, so when they disrobe, it’s like their boobs are coming out of the background.  Then, models pose with a bodybuilder at the beach.  This segment is nearly ruined by the awful music that sounds like a German B-52’s cover band.  Afterwards, models strip on the rocks, which is followed by a hot sequence where a model is felt up by disembodied hands by the pool.  It all ends with the models reuniting to frolic in the surf. 

Many of the models are well-known faces.  There are exploitation stars like Julie K. Smith (who is in many scenes) and Samatha Phillips and porn luminaries such as Nikki Tyler and Julia Ann.  Even the models who I didn’t recognize are quite hot too.  While not all the sequences click, there are certainly plenty of steamy moments and plenty of skin to live up to the Penthouse name.