LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE INCREDIBLE PROFESSOR ZOVEK (1972) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on March 25th, 2021)

Zovek was basically Mexico’s answer to Harry Houdini.  Throughout his career, he performed incredible escapes and feats of astonishing strength and agility.  He died way too young at the age of thirty-one while performing a helicopter stunt.  This was his first and only solo starring vehicle. (He starred in Invasion of the Dead with Blue Demon the next year, which proved to be his second and final film.)  He’s kind of fun to watch too.  Sometimes he’s dressed like Tonto from The Lone Ranger.  Other times he’s gussied up like a caped superhero. 

Zovek stars as himself.  He gets a premonition of a plane crash and sends his chauffeur and girlfriend to investigate.  While Zovek is busy performing his act in a dinner theater, they are kidnapped by the bad guy.  (I guess the supposedly psychic Zovek didn’t see that one coming.)  It’s then up to Zovek to rescue them before the mad doctor performs a fiendish experiment on them.

The Incredible Professor Zovek is really slow to start.  It begins with long scenes of him yelling at people and hypnotizing women, which kind of plod on and on.  The version I saw didn’t have subtitles, so I had no clue what was going on in these scenes if I am to be completely honest.  When we finally meet the villain, things pick up considerably.  It doesn’t hurt that his secret lair comes complete with a giant hypno-wheel, an open BBQ pit, and a torture dungeon filled with caged Dr. Moreau-style animal men. 

I also dug Zovek’s nightclub act.  He gets brought out on stage and is tied and chained up by guys in Lucha Libre masks while sexy women wearing bikinis and executioner hoods kiss him on the cheek before dropping him into a tank of water.  It’s not exactly great, but after watching so many wrestling scenes in Mexican horror movies, it makes for a nice change of pace. 

The fight scenes are OK, but they aren’t up to director Rene (Night of the Bloody Apes) Cardona’s usual standards.  The close-ups of the faces of the caged monsters leering from their prison bars are effective though.  The scenes of the animal men chowing down on bones is pretty cool, and the brain surgery sequence (complete with an awesome shot of a woman’s pulsating brain) is the highlight. 

So, if you can get past the talky first act, you will be treated to some decent WTF Mexican Cinema.  The last reel where Zovek has a melee with a mafia of midget monsters and duels to the death with a deranged dog man… well…  That’s the sort of shit I live for when I watch these movies.

ATTACK OF THE SUPER MONSTERS (1982) ***

Hey, remember where you were in the year 2000?  That’s right, the year when dinosaurs returned to Earth and Lord Tyranis tried to take over the world by turning dogs into crazed killers?  Thank goodness Gemini Force was there to stop him by hopping into their spaceship and saving humanity.  Oh, and remember when that plan failed, he also turned bats and rats against us?  Oh the 2000s!  No wonder Gen Z has so much nostalgia for that era!

I’ve seen some weird shit, but this is some weird shit.  I’ve seen movies that were actually a few episodes of a live action Japanese TV show edited together.  I’ve seen movies that were actually a few episodes of a Japanese cartoon edited together.  This is the first time I’ve seen a movie that is a few episodes of a Japanese live action/animation hybrid edited together. 

What makes it so weird is the decision-making process of what should or should not have been live action.  Namely, all the monster scenes look like something out of a cheap Godzilla knockoff.  The animated stuff is mostly confined to… uh… humans?  You would’ve thought actors would’ve been the easiest things to film.  Instead, we get lots of repetitive animated shots of the Gemini Team hopping into their spaceship… which happens to be live action.  I mean wouldn’t it have been easier to animate the spaceships and monsters and not the other way around?  Anyway, that brand of zaniness sort of makes this meandering but engagingly cheesy flick worth a look. 

The animated scenes are a bit hit and miss, but the rubbery dinosaurs and monster mashing are top notch and/or bottom of the barrel… take your pick.  The best parts are when the Gemini ship sports giant pizza slicers and it flies THROUGH the dinosaurs.  Like I said… weird shit.  But it’s my kind of weird shit. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SEXUAL INADEQUACIES (1970) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 19th, 2023)

The title of this “White Coater” skin flick (which is done in the style of Danish sex documentaries but is really just a crass Italian exploitation film) is a bit misleading as it’s not about impotency or erectile dysfunction.  Rather, it’s a lurid expose on sexual deviation and perversion.  In fact, “Sexual Deviation and Perversion” would’ve made for a much more accurate (and better) title.

An on-screen narrator tells us that during puberty, masturbation is perfectly normal, that is, unless it is done to excess.  Then it can lead to… dunh… dunh… DUH!  Sexual deviation and perversion!  Then, we move on to several different vignettes that focus on said deviations and perversions.

The first sequence is about a nymphomaniac who tries to curb her urges by taking a cold shower before finally succumbing to her desires.  The next section is on voyeurism.  Here, we see a series of men sneaking a peek at women getting undressed.  Conversely, we also see some exhibitionists, one of whom is a pervert who exposes himself to young girls.  It’s then suggested that sadists and masochists are a product of childhood trauma.  Oh, and the views on homosexuality are hilariously wrongheaded and outdated.  We also get a funny scene where a couple has sex under laboratory conditions.  

Naturally, nearly all the so-called clinical information that is portrayed here is hilariously outdated or just plain wrong.  That’s sort of what makes it amusing though.  Unfortunately, the film was made with a conservative attitude and looks down on its case studies with contempt.  It often portrays them in the worst possible light too and tries to make them all subjects of scorn.  I’m thinking specifically of the bizarre sequence where a high-powered lawyer keeps his fetish doll in a Dr. Phibes-style secret chamber.  Sure, Sexual Inadequacies won’t win any awards for sensitivity, but moments like these deliver their fair share of unintentional laughs.

AKA:  In the Labyrinth of Love.  AKA:  The Labyrinth of Sex.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE WILD WILD WORLD OF JAYNE MANSFIELD (1968) ****

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on September 15th, 2019)

Exploitation sleaze wizard Dick (Pieces) Randall produced this bonkers Mondo movie of blonde bombshell Jayne Mansfield going all over God’s green earth and reporting back on all the wild, weird, adventures she had along the way.  It has an added allure of sleaziness given the fact it was completed (more like cobbled together) after her death.  It kind of laid the groundwork for all those Bruceploitation pictures (of which Randall produced a few of), as it blends together old footage and body doubles to bring a dead star back from beyond the grave, while the cobbled-together narrative helps to sensationalize the public’s morbid curiosity about the fallen star.  

It begins with scenes of Jayne strolling around Rome, throwing coins into a fountain and trying to avoid the paparazzi.  One guy even pinches her ass.  The first thing you notice about this scene is that all the shots of Jayne are in black and white, but everything else is in color.  That’s because it was shot after her death, and nobody bothered to use black and white film to make it remotely match.  That’s the level of shoddiness we’re talking about here.  The funniest part is the breathless narration that isn’t spoken by Jayne, but a soundalike. (“There’s no place like Roma!”) 

Jayne then checks out some of her topless shots from Playboy and watches some women change.  Later, she goes to the Coliseum and imagines herself in Ancient Rome (actually just footage from her movie, The Loves of Hercules) before daydreaming that the Olympic statues come to life (actually just footage of Jayne with her bodybuilder husband, Mickey Hargitay).  We also see a battle between Hercules and a three-headed dragon (again, just footage from The Loves of Hercules). 

Then it’s off to France where Jayne watches prostitutes conduct business.  From there, she goes to Cannes where she ogles women on the French Riviera and is hounded by her fans.  Jayne’s hair and wardrobe changes from scene to scene and sometimes shot to shot during this segment, which shouldn’t come as a surprise.  Later, Jayne visits a nudist colony and even goes topless herself.  The cuckoo narration is particularly on-point in this segment (“Sometimes I think fish are so lucky!”), and some of the transitions are priceless (“Looking at my toes reminds me of other toes!”). 

Jayne next heads to Paris and visits Eiffel Tower.  (“I sure hope they don’t tear it down and put up a parking lot!”)  After watching people making out in public, she goes to a drag bar and later, watches male hustlers at work (while faux James Bond music plays).  Although this segment lightly pokes fun at European gay culture, it at least gave them a certain amount of visibility.  It’s certainly less judgmental about the lifestyle than most films of the time. 

God, what else?  There’s a “Best Boob” contest, stripping lessons, a topless interpretive dance routine, a trip to a bottomless club, a drag queen beauty contest (Jayne interviews a male Jayne impersonator), a segment on topless vocations (everything from an ice cream truck driver to a mechanic), and a number by a topless rock band (The Ladybirds).  We also get to see Jayne topless herself, courtesy of a scene from her film Promises!  Promises!  

Things take a turn for serious when Mansfield’s fatal car crash is recreated (complete with tinted crime scene photos).  We also get to see (staged) scenes of widowed Mickey Hargitay moping around his empty mansion while a newsreel narrator pontificates about his loss.  Yes, in case you’re wondering, the end is kind of like the beginning of Citizen Kane, if you can fucking believe it.

Some segments are weirder, wilder, and more explicit than others.  Others are a tad repetitive.  None of that really matters.  This is one of the crassest, cheapest, chintziest Mondo movies I’ve ever seen.

That is to say, I loved every stupid minute of it. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: VERSUS (2002) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 2nd, 2016)

Ryuhei Kitamura has had an interesting career. He’s made a Godzilla movie (Godzilla: Final Wars), a Clive Barker adaptation (The Midnight Meat Train), and a horror film for WWE Studios (No One Lives). Each of those flicks had their various ups and downs, but they were all interesting and at the very least, memorable. Versus was his debut feature-length picture as a director and even though it’s as uneven as anything he ever did (if not more so), it’s a good showcase for his “anything goes” aesthetic.

The film opens with a back story that’s kind of confusing (something about there being 666 realms in the world), but never mind. All you need to know is that two prisoners are being chased by gangsters through the woods. This isn’t just any forest though. Whenever someone dies in the woods, they come back as a zombie. Pretty soon, there are hitmen and gangsters shooting zombies left and right.

Versus is a fitfully amusing hodgepodge. Kitamura basically mashes up a bunch of genres and sees what sticks. It’s hard to completely hate any movie that features samurais, yakuza gangsters, Kung Fu, and zombies. However, it’s just a bit too incoherent to really work. Plus, at two hours, it’s about a half hour longer than was absolutely necessary, and despite a number of pretty good zombie attacks and gun fights, it gets a bit numbing after a while.

With this picture, Kitamura announced himself as quite a showman. He exhibits a lot of John Woo-type filmmaking gymnastics, his camerawork is often reminiscent of Peter Jackson’s early work (especially the fist-through-the-brain scene), and the zombie scenes have a definite Romero vibe to them. Although it goes on too long and is uneven as all get out, it’s still worth watching.

AKA: Down to Hell 2. AKA: The Return: Down 2 Hell. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ARMED RESPONSE (1986) ***

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 31st, 2010)

David Carradine stars as a Nam vet who owns a bar with his crusty ex-cop father (Lee Van Cleef).  Carradine’s detective brother (Brent Huff) gets double crossed and killed by his partner (Ross Hagen) over a jade statue belonging to a yakuza boss (Mako).  When Mako kidnaps Carradine’s wife and child and kills his OTHER brother, David and Lee decide to dust off their machine guns and take out the trash.

 

Despite the spotty pacing, convoluted plot, and slow-motion Nam flashbacks that only exist to pad the running time, I liked Armed Response a lot more than I thought I would.  The reason is because the cast is incredibly fun to watch.  I mean the flick is almost worth watching solely to see Van Cleef and Carradine playing father and son.  At first, it may seem a little goofy since they’re both older than Jesus’ gym teacher.  It actually makes a lot of sense though because Van Cleef was the Master Ninja on TV, so it’s completely possible that he fathered Caine from Kung Fu.

 

The supporting cast of villains is equally memorable.  Mako makes for a great yakuza boss, Hagen is appropriately greasy, and Dick Miller and Laurene Landon are pretty funny as Mako’s underlings who get ripped off.  We also get Michelle Bauer (who shows her tits) and Bobbie Bresee (who doesn’t) as strippers.  And B movie favorite Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa has an early role as one of Mako’s henchmen too.

 

Far and away the best performance comes from Michael Berryman as Mako’s right hand man.  He has a funny gimmick where he gives out fortune cookies to people right before he kills them.  The best part comes when one guy’s cookie says, “You can look forward to a bright future” right before his car blows up.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LINNEA QUIGLEY’S HORROR WORKOUT (1990) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As published in my book, The Best (and Worst) of the Video Vacuum)

Jane Fonda took the world by storm in the ‘80s when she released the Jane Fonda’s Workout video.  Soon after, every female celebrity from Cher to Traci Lords had workout tapes on video store shelves.  Heck, even Designing Women’s Dixie Carter made a workout, which goes to show you that anyone could make one.  Probably the high watermark for the workout video was Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout.  It’s not much of a workout video or anything, but it does serve as the perfect sampler of her work as the reigning scream queen of the ‘80s.  (Although why anyone would watch this to work out anything other than their right hand is beyond me.)

The tape starts off with a terrific shower scene.  And it is one of the greatest shower scenes in Linnea’s illustrious career.  And if you’ve seen the many shower scenes Linnea has done over the years, you know that comes as high praise.

Linnea then gives herself a pretty funny introduction:  “I’m the girl who’s usually impaled on antlers or eaten by zombies in movies!”  She talks directly to the camera and host a collection of clips from her various movies including Creepozoids, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, and Vice Academy.  What’s particularly great about this segment is that she’s wearing a studded black leather S & M leather bikini.  And much of her dialogue is pretty funny.  While talking about her immortal Dance of the Double Chainsaws scene in Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, she says, “Ginger Rogers had Fred Astaire!  I had Black and Decker!”  (We also get to see some cool 8mm home movies of a young Linnea too.)

Most of the clips show off Linnea’s tough and spunky side.  They almost always show her fighting someone (like Ginger Lynn Allen) or something (like a killer rat).  This segment justifies her need to keep in shape.  As if you needed justification to see Linnea working out in a skimpy studded black leather S & M bikini.

Then the “exercise” portion of the flick begins.  First, she does a lot of splits and side bends before doing some various stretching techniques while splayed out on the floor.  Oh, and by the way; if you’re looking to get a great workout from this tape, forget it.  There are no “instructional” parts of the video; just Linnea narrating and telling jokes over footage of her gyrating and doing sit-ups and stuff.  

After the stretching scene, Linnea then goes out jogging past a cemetery.  Before long, a bunch of zombies rise from the grave and chase her.  Finally, she chastises them for being out of shape and makes them do some calisthenics and dance moves.  But while this scene is sound in theory, it’s not very funny and goes on far too long.  Linnea’s boob does pop out of her torn up t-shirt at one point though, so it’s not like it’s intolerable or anything.  

Afterwards, there’s a scene where Linnea gathers together some babes for a slumber party where they have pillow fights and watch Linnea singing “Santa Monica Boulevard Boys” from Nightmare Sisters.  Then they all do a bunch of gyrating in their nighties to a heavy synth beat.  Like the previous sequence, it’s a good idea, but it just runs on a bit too long.  

The girls then get picked off one by one by a knife-wielding killer in a Ronald Reagan mask.  Again, there is some okay moments here (like when a decapitated head lands in a toilet), but some of the jokes fall flat (like when the killer stabs a victim dozens of times, but she doesn’t die).  And the final gag is predictable and not very funny.  

Ultimately, Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout is a bit of a mixed bag.  The scenes of Linnea showing clips from her films are a lot of fun, but the actual “workout” part of the film leaves something to be desired.  And I’m not talking from a fitness standpoint either.  I know this thing needed a lot of padding to get to its hour running time (there’s even bloopers during the credits to help extend the running time), but many of the scenes are poorly choreographed and/or wear out their welcome fast.

But if you are a Linnea Quigley fan such as I am, this will be an essential addition to your collection.  It features some great clips from her movies and gives a nice peek at Linnea just being Linnea.  I can’t quite give it a Four Star rating because a lot of the exercise scenes go on forever, but this is a great time capsule of Linnea in her heyday.  And being such a fan of Linnea, I can’t quite ask for anything more.