FORMAT: DVD (REWATCH)
ORIGINAL REVIEW:
(As posted on September 15th, 2019)
Exploitation sleaze wizard Dick (Pieces) Randall produced this bonkers Mondo movie of blonde bombshell Jayne Mansfield going all over God’s green earth and reporting back on all the wild, weird, adventures she had along the way. It has an added allure of sleaziness given the fact it was completed (more like cobbled together) after her death. It kind of laid the groundwork for all those Bruceploitation pictures (of which Randall produced a few of), as it blends together old footage and body doubles to bring a dead star back from beyond the grave, while the cobbled-together narrative helps to sensationalize the public’s morbid curiosity about the fallen star.
It begins with scenes of Jayne strolling around Rome, throwing coins into a fountain and trying to avoid the paparazzi. One guy even pinches her ass. The first thing you notice about this scene is that all the shots of Jayne are in black and white, but everything else is in color. That’s because it was shot after her death, and nobody bothered to use black and white film to make it remotely match. That’s the level of shoddiness we’re talking about here. The funniest part is the breathless narration that isn’t spoken by Jayne, but a soundalike. (“There’s no place like Roma!”)
Jayne then checks out some of her topless shots from Playboy and watches some women change. Later, she goes to the Coliseum and imagines herself in Ancient Rome (actually just footage from her movie, The Loves of Hercules) before daydreaming that the Olympic statues come to life (actually just footage of Jayne with her bodybuilder husband, Mickey Hargitay). We also see a battle between Hercules and a three-headed dragon (again, just footage from The Loves of Hercules).
Then it’s off to France where Jayne watches prostitutes conduct business. From there, she goes to Cannes where she ogles women on the French Riviera and is hounded by her fans. Jayne’s hair and wardrobe changes from scene to scene and sometimes shot to shot during this segment, which shouldn’t come as a surprise. Later, Jayne visits a nudist colony and even goes topless herself. The cuckoo narration is particularly on-point in this segment (“Sometimes I think fish are so lucky!”), and some of the transitions are priceless (“Looking at my toes reminds me of other toes!”).
Jayne next heads to Paris and visits Eiffel Tower. (“I sure hope they don’t tear it down and put up a parking lot!”) After watching people making out in public, she goes to a drag bar and later, watches male hustlers at work (while faux James Bond music plays). Although this segment lightly pokes fun at European gay culture, it at least gave them a certain amount of visibility. It’s certainly less judgmental about the lifestyle than most films of the time.
God, what else? There’s a “Best Boob” contest, stripping lessons, a topless interpretive dance routine, a trip to a bottomless club, a drag queen beauty contest (Jayne interviews a male Jayne impersonator), a segment on topless vocations (everything from an ice cream truck driver to a mechanic), and a number by a topless rock band (The Ladybirds). We also get to see Jayne topless herself, courtesy of a scene from her film Promises! Promises!
Things take a turn for serious when Mansfield’s fatal car crash is recreated (complete with tinted crime scene photos). We also get to see (staged) scenes of widowed Mickey Hargitay moping around his empty mansion while a newsreel narrator pontificates about his loss. Yes, in case you’re wondering, the end is kind of like the beginning of Citizen Kane, if you can fucking believe it.
Some segments are weirder, wilder, and more explicit than others. Others are a tad repetitive. None of that really matters. This is one of the crassest, cheapest, chintziest Mondo movies I’ve ever seen.
That is to say, I loved every stupid minute of it.
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