LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BATTLE OF THE BOMBS (1985) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Johnny Legend curated this clip package tape of some of the worst movies of all time for Rhino Home Video.  It was made at a time when stuff like The Golden Turkey Awards were still kinda popular.  If your local video store didn’t stock a big selection of B movies and “So Bad They’re Good films, and cult classics, then this tape would have been a decent sampler. 

First is a couple of scenes from the first (and to my knowledge only) all-midget western musical, The Terror of Tiny Town.  Next, we’re treated to a condensed version of Chained for Life, the true story of the conjoined twins the Hilton sisters.  Prehistoric Women features cave gals wrassling over the love of a man and fighting off pterodactyls and giants.  Then, it’s an excerpt from an industrial short called Dating:  Do’s and Don’ts followed by a burlesque short called Lupe Mexican Can-Can.  After that, its highlights from the Ed Wood-penned The Violent Years (culled mostly from the trailer).  That’s followed by a greeting from Santa Claus and the trailer for Married Too Young. (“Sex-Conscious Young Moderns!”), a short called “Diana the Huntress”, and a concession stand ad.  Then, prepare yourself for a double dose of Arch Hall Jr. with clips from Eegah! and Wild Guitar.  Afterwards we’re treated to some scenes from Scum of the Earth (including the iconic monologue that was later immortalized when it was featured in the intro for Something Weird Video).  Next is a short called “A Day with Doodles” starring Doodles Weaver.  Scenes from The Creeping Terror, House of Mutant Women (AKA:  Scream, Baby, Scream), and the immortal Orgy of the Dead round out the tape. 

The clips of the movies are fine.  The ones that work best are the sequences that play like condensed versions of the feature rather than random snippets.  It doesn’t help that the filler material is hit-and-miss.  I liked all the stuff with the dancing girls, but the comedy short with Doodles Weaver was the pits. 

It might’ve been better had there been more of a theme from film to film other than “They’re Bad Movies”.  Some of the editing is kind of halfhearted too.  Still, as a cheesy movie sampler and/or mixtape, it’s moderately entertaining. 

FEMALE WEREWOLF (2015) **

One of the biggest laughs I’ve had lately came approximately one minute into watching Female Werewolf.  The film begins with a long shot of a woman’s face, and I asked myself, “What is this, a Chris Alexander movie?”  When all of a sudden…  BAM!  The title, “A Chris Alexander Film” appeared on screen.  Am I good, or am I good?

You know, it’s been a while since I’ve watched one of Alexander’s uniquely weird, pointlessly arty flicks.  As far as his films go, I can’t say Female Werewolf is one of his best efforts.  However, it may go down smoother if you know what you’re getting yourself into beforehand. 

For example, three minutes into the film, and there’s a long shot of water dripping from a faucet followed by a long shot of a naked chick curled up in the fetal position.  Then, we get a red-tinted slow-motion scene of two chicks making out when… OOPS!  It was all a dream!  It’s that kind of movie.

Anyway, a lonely office worker goes about her mundane existence as she secretly yearns to be with her sexy coworker.  Eventually, she gets up the nerve to invite her to her house and watch TV (it’s broken) before she bites her on the neck and kills her.  Later, she picks up another unwitting victim. 

You’re either the kind of person that digs Alexander’s aesthetic or you aren’t.  I admit that some of his stuff is a little much for me, but when he manages to hit the sweet spot between arty oddity and lowbrow horror, his films work.  Unfortunately for Female Werewolf, the actresses remain clothed during the lesbian sex and dream scenes, which puts a damper on the fun.  Also, I know it’s purposefully slow moving, but there were times I thought my Roku froze up on me because no one was moving and/or nothing was happening.  Alexander’s overuse of super slow motion has a tendency to try your patience too.

You also have to wait a long time before you actually see the werewolf.  Most will be disappointed.  However, I did like the fact that Alexander tried to replicate a Company of Wolves-style werewolf transformation scene with next to no money. 

Even though this is only sixty-five minutes long, it feels twice that length.  Honestly, it could’ve stood to have been a good twenty minutes shorter.  If you’re looking to get into Alexander’s films, I wouldn’t say this is the place to start.  I’d check out Necropolis:  Legion or Parasite Lady first to build up your tolerance level.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: GRAMPA’S SCI-FI HITS (1989) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Al “Grandpa” Lewis returns with more movie trailers, this time with a Sci-Fi theme.  There’s much more of a “story” this time around as Grandpa hops into his rocket ship and blasts off into outer space looking for “transmissions from the past”.  (AKA:  Sci-Fi movie trailers.)  His spaceship gets shot down by a UFO, and he crash lands on a planet where he is chased by a monster.  It’s then up to his pal Igor to fix the ship and get them back to Earth. 

The plot wasn’t really necessary for something like this, but it’s kinda cute and Lewis is a real treat to watch.  The rocket ship interior is all green-screened, and it looks like it was drawn and colored by a little kid.  That’s part of the charm though.  Also, to go along with the Sci-Fi theme, Lewis adds a Star Trek style tunic and a Doctor Who inspired scarf to his usual vampire costume. 

There’s a little bit more in terms of variety in this collection as there is a nice mix of subgenres represented.  The trailers were also culled over several different decades this time around.  I also liked that the trailers were more or less organized by theme.  We get to see trailers for the old Flash Gordon serials followed by the teaser for the Dino de Laurentiis version, there’s also Godzilla (Godzilla, King of the Monsters and Destroy All Monsters), comedies like The Rocky Horror Picture Show (the trailer spells Susan Sarandon’s name wrong) and Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs, dystopian futures (The Omega Man and Fahrenheit 451), and giants (The 30 Foot Bride of Candy Rock, Village of the Giants, and The Amazing Colossal Man). 

It was nice seeing some R rated material like Rocky Horror and Alien in there for a change too.  I know this collection is mainly for kids, but you’ve got to spice things up a little bit now and again.  Overall, I think my favorite preview was the cool re-release trailer for Buck Rogers that calls him, “The Original Star Warrior!”

The trailers include:  Flash Gordon (1936), Flash Gordon’s Trip to Mars, Flash Gordon (1980), Godzilla, King of the Monsters, Destroy All Monsters, King Kong (1976), Alien, Barbarella, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs, Buck Rogers, The Omega Man, Fahrenheit 451, The Lost World (1960), The 30 Foot Bride of Candy Rock, The Amazing Colossal Man, Godzilla vs. Megalon, Ghidrah the Three Headed Monster, Varan the Unbelievable, Reptilicus, Atragon, The Creation of the Humanoids, Battle of the Worlds, Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, This Island Earth, The Day the Earth Stood Still, and The Blob. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: GRAMPA’S MONSTER MOVIES (1988) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Al “Grandpa” Lewis hosts this hour-long compilation of horror trailers.  The set-up is similar to Grampa’s Silly Scares.  Lewis stands in front of a bad green-screen effect of a graveyard and makes a lot of puns about classic movie monsters like Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Wolf Man.  Then, he sets up his beach chair, grabs his bucket of popcorn, and provides intros for a bevy of fun previews. 

The trailers are mostly for Universal horror classics like Dracula, The Mummy, Frankenstein, and The Wolf Man.  I might’ve enjoyed it more if there had been more obscure trailers or even more color trailers mixed in there.  That said, if you grew up watching Lewis on The Munsters or hosting TBS’s Super Scary Saturday, this will be a fun trip down memory lane.  Or if you have a younger horror fan in the family, this would be a great gateway into classic horror. 

Sure, you’ve seen many of these trailers in plenty of other compilations before, but this has something the others don’t… GRANDPA!  Even if some of the previews are awfully familiar, it’s still amusing seeing Lewis doing little intros for them.  It’s kind of like getting over two dozen fast-paced single-serving horror host segments while watching only the best parts of the movie.  Because of that, you’re sure to have a good time.  While his jokes are corny and his puns are obvious it’s clear that Lewis is having a ball reviving his character, and that level of fun rubs off on the viewer. 

Also note the discrepancy of the spelling of “Grampa” in the title which was probably done to avoid copyright infringement with Universal who owns The Munsters.  Then again, since so many of the trailers are for Universal movies, I don’t see why they couldn’t have let it slide, what with all the free cross-promotional stuff going on.  (Although many trailers have a Screen Gems/Columbia Pictures tag at the end, which must’ve been for television showings.)

The complete line-up is House of Frankenstein, House of Dracula, Son of Dracula, Dracula’s Daughter, Dracula, The Invisible Man Returns, The Invisible Woman, Invisible Agent, Frankenstein, Frankenstein Meets Wolf Man, Bride of Frankenstein, The Ghost of Frankenstein, Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, Phantom of the Opera (1943), The Climax, The Werewolf of London, The Mystery of Marie Roget, Murders in the Rue Morgue, Flesh and Fantasy, The Wolf Man, The Mummy, The Mummy’s Hand, The Mummy’s Curse, The Black Cat (1941), The Cat Creeps, Black Friday, and Horror Island. 

NOCTURNE (2020) **

Sydney Sweeney stars as Juliet, a gifted musical student whose talent is always overshadowed by her twin sister, Vivian (Madison Iseman).  When the student picked to deliver the senior solo at the end of the year recital dies under mysterious circumstances, the school decides to hold auditions to replace her.  Violet has a nasty fall and is unable to play the recital, which leaves the door open for Juliet to steal the spotlight.  Juliet also finds the dead student’s music book, which is filled with oodles of ominous looking doodles that are possibly some sort of supernatural incantation.  I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about, right?

Nocturne was produced by Blumhouse for Amazon Prime Video, and it’s easy to see why it went straight to streaming as I don’t think anyone would’ve really rushed out to see this in theaters.  It’s a slow burn horror movie and it takes its sweet time building up.  It’s not bad, nor is it exactly engrossing.  It just needed a little more oomph to propel it over the pokey patches.  It also doesn’t help that the horror touches are just too subtle to make much of an impression one way or another. 

The set-up kind of reminded me a little of The Perfection. It doesn’t have that film’s tension, but it’s similar in that both movies are about how the desire to be a skilled musician leads to horrific things.  At least that flick delivered on its slow burn build-up with some sizzle at the end.  The same can’t be said for Nocturne.

Overall, this was a bit of a slog.  However, since it featured my girl Sydney Sweeney, I was able to stay with it for the most part.  She spends most of the movie all buttoned up and prim and proper like, but the way she really gets into her piano playing is sort of hot.  She does a good job during her freak-out scenes too, even though the movie never quite gives her a chance to really go for broke.  Her fine performance at the very least prevents the film from feeling… ahem... one note. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ALL AMERICAN HUSTLER (1972) * ½

FORMAT:  DVD

A hooker named Carol (Mickie Lynn) breaks up with her boyfriend and goes to a party at the airport where she shoots up in the bathroom.  Elsewhere, Carol’s friend Candy (Candy Kay) makes it with a lucky dude that dresses like every third Match Game panelist in the ’70s.  Meanwhile, Carol takes on a slew of clients (including one guy who just wants to rub one out on her underwear).  Later, she and Candy go to a New Age commune where they drink from a coconut and bang two creepy cult dudes.  Eventually, Carol has a mini breakdown about the way her life is going (and who could blame her?  I mean did you SEE those cult dudes?) and commits suicide. 

The guy who plays Carol’s abusive boyfriend in the beginning is none other than Video Vacuum favorite, Michael Pataki.  He’s been in everything from biker movies (The Sidehackers) to low budget horror gems (The Grave of the Vampire) to big budget blockbusters (Rocky IV).  I think they may have used a stunt cock for him in his sex scene though.  While it’s fun seeing him pop up, sadly his presence is the best thing All American Hustler has going for it. 

I’ve got to tell you, this is one scummy skin flick.  I guess the idea here was to deglamorize the profession of prostitution.  That may have been a decent concept if there was any artistic merit on display.  Also, did we really need to see the scene where junkie Carol shoots heroin into her arm in graphic close-up?  Again, I think the aim was to make a realistic portrayal of a working girl, but just bluntly showing drug use without much context comes off as exploitative and crass more than anything else.  The downbeat ending is borderline tasteless too.  I wonder how the raincoat crowd reacted to this in the theater back in the day. 

This probably wouldn’t have even been much fun even if the sex scenes were hot.  I’ve seen worse to be sure, but there’s nothing here that will exactly get your pulse racing.  In fact, I have a suspicion that the filmmakers were trying to make a purposefully anti-erotic movie.  Why else would you play a Richard Nixon speech over a sex scene?  Or include a random scene with the annoying folk musician?  Well, if that was the goal, all I can say is… mission accomplished! 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CARNAL GO-ROUND (1972) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

A hooker named Alice (Becky Sharpe) recruits her friend Minnie (Carmen Olivera) into the world’s oldest profession.  After she teaches the fledgling streetwalker the tricks of the trade (so to speak), they head to a big orgy held by a swinger who looks like Jeff Garlin cosplaying as George Wendt.  When Minnie’s boyfriend Arnold (Rick Lutze) finds out she’s a hooker, he breaks up with her.  Alice then swoops in to bang him. 

Carnal Go-Round has its share of memorable moments.  The scenes of Minnie and her John are fun.  They are intercut with Alice addressing the camera and giving pointers like, “Always get the money up front” and “Leave them wanting more!”  This kind of makes it feel like a bargain bin self-help seminar for sex workers.  The funniest bit is when Lutze and Sharpe bang on a bed adorned with Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote bedsheets!  (Lutze also wears a Donald Duck shirt in the final fuck scene.)

Although there are some bright spots sprinkled throughout, Carnal Go-Round never quite comes together in the end.  (Pardon the pun.)  The big problem is that the camerawork is really erratic.  It would be one thing if that camera was only shaky during the scenes of cars going up and down Hollywood Boulevard.  It’s another thing when the camera can’t keep still in the bedroom while people are trying to get it on.  (The constant zooming in and out during the orgy scene is especially hard to take.)

The oddest thing about the movie is that even though it was shot with sound, there are still silent movie title cards that frequently pop up.  Weirder still is the fact that they all look like they were written on a strawberry Fruit Roll-Up with a white crayon.  Then again, all this is just weird enough to make the flick memorable. 

The good news is, Sharpe and Olivera have a lot of chemistry.  Their charisma holds their scenes together, despite the overall technical shortcomings of the film.  The three-way scene where they gang up on a client is particularly strong thanks to the way they bounce off one another.  (Both literally and figuratively.)  Their antics make the otherwise so-so Carnal Go-Round worth a go.