LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE HITCHHIKERS (1972) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

The Hitchhikers may not be as well-known as similar fare of the era, but it is a ripe slice of ‘70s drive-in cinema.  Written and directed by the husband-and-wife team of Beverly and Ferd Sebastian (who also made Gator Bait, a certified drive-in classic if there ever was one) it tells the story of Maggie (Misty Rowe) who learns she’s pregnant and hits the road to go to L.A.  She meets a bunch of oddballs along the way, most who either want to rob or screw her.  Maggie eventually winds up at the ranch commune lorded over by a man named Benson (Nick Klar) who lives with a bunch of grungy chicks he calls his “family”. 

Any similarities between Benson and Manson are purely intentional. 

It seems Benson has quite the criminal enterprise going.  He gets his “girls” to pose as sexy hitchhikers, and when a poor schmo pulls to the side of the road to help them, Benson and the gang spring on them and rob them like the highwaymen of old.  Unsurprisingly, he takes a shine to Maggie, and before long, he’s showing her the ropes of how to be a sexy hitchhiking thief. 

With apologies to Barbie Benton, I think Misty Rowe was the hottest of the Hee-Haw Honeys.  Her platinum blonde look and sexy demeanor makes her an ideal Drive-In Queen.  For whatever reason, other than a handful of Larry Buchanan movies, her career never really lived up to her early potential as this was a rather auspicious film debut. 

The Hitchhikers has some big swings in tone.  It goes from a carefree vibe to a buzz-killing rape scene.  There’s a depressing makeshift abortion that’s followed by an orgy.  Some will be turned off by that rollercoaster effect, but I found the “anything goes” tone to be indicative of its drive-in sensibilities.  I also dug the Folk Rock soundtrack that acts as a Greek Chorus over Maggie’s various trials and tribulations. 

The only real flaw is the lack of a concrete ending.  You would think that having a heroine shacking up with a Manson stand-in would lead to some sort of violent confrontation in the end.  However, (slight spoiler) the open-ended wrap-up means Maggie gets her happy ending, but at the same time, the audience really deserved some sort of satisfying conclusion.  Instead, the film basically peters out at the end.  On the plus side, it has healthy doses of T & A, courtesy of cat fights, skinny-dipping, and sex scenes.  Plus, Misty is terrific, so if for that and nothing else, The Hitchhikers is worth picking up. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SHOT ON LOCATION (1972) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 12th, 2024)

Rick Lutze is a sleazy movie producer who wants to double cross a rival in order to make his dream project.  His plan is to get an underage wannabe porn starlet (Sandy Dempsey) to seduce the competition so he can blackmail him.  Lutze then promises the young ingenue a part in their latest picture (a porno western).  Problems arise when the director accidentally casts the wrong actress in the lead role.  Things eventually work themselves out when everyone involved decides to have a big orgy. 

Some sources list Shot on Location as being directed by Ed Wood.  That kind of makes sense because there is a reference to Criswell.  However, the consensus seems to be it was directed by Donn (Alice in Acidland) Greer.  Either way, it’s a fun slice of old-time smut.  

The cast is particularly charming.  Rene Bond takes the acting honors as the production’s sexy secretary/script girl.  She looks terrific as always and delivers a top-notch BJ scene.  Dempsey really gets into her sex scene on the casting couch and is a lot of fun to watch throughout.  The big orgy sequence has a lot of energy too. 

I do wish they had taken advantage of the western outdoor setting though.  I mean you’ve got everyone in their Native American garb, you might as well put them to good use.  Oh well, at least the final pun works surprisingly well as it really ends the movie with a bang in more ways than one. 

The music is also good for an unintentional laugh or two.  One scene uses music from (what sounds like) the Barbarella soundtrack and others are accompanied by Muzak versions of “It’s Impossible” and “Those Were the Days”.  The dialogue is great as well and features some real humdingers, like when Lutze sees a starlet naked and says, “What I wouldn’t give to be a goose pimple!”  My favorite line though was “If you can’t join ‘em, lick ‘em!”

Greer later went on to direct the immortal Rare Blue Apes of Cannibal Isle. 

SWINGIN’ MODELS (1972) ** ½

A model poses topless alongside a gray faced mannequin in a tuxedo on a bedroom set for a photographer named Felix (Claus Tinney).  After her session, a young naive model named Astrid (Angelica Wehbeck) comes to the studio and balks at posing nude for Felix.  He then takes her to a party at a bordello to indoctrinate Astrid into the “world of sex and money” and tells her juicy stories about the various partygoers. 

The first tale is about their rich host.  He has trouble making it with women, so he keeps a young stud on hand to help ball his babes.  The next story is about a nude model whose marriage was ruined when her husband learned what she did for a living.  Another couple invites them to spend the night and eventually they wind up swapping partners.  After that, we get a tale of how an innocent girl became a porn star.  Then it’s Astrid’s turn to tell a story about her relationship with one of the party girls. 

This is an uneven but sporadically entertaining West German softcore flick.  It’s very episodic, but the vignettes are relatively fast moving and feature lots of skin.  It’s not exactly bad per se.  It’s just that it never really turns up the heat either.  The big reason is that the fractured narrative prevents the film from ever gaining any real momentum. 

The framework is ideal for an anthology movie as the partygoers have plenty of vices to fill an entire movie.  Unfortunately, there’s no real meat to any of the stories and they are pretty much over before they really get going.  Still, the speedy sixty-six-minute running time is appreciated.  Then again, I can’t help but think that the film may have worked better with a slightly longer running time if it allowed the stories a little room to breathe. 

Wehbeck makes for a fine leading lady too.  It’s a shame she only made a handful of movies because she has a lovely screen presence here.  She certainly has no qualms showing off her exquisite figure either.  Whenever she’s on screen, Swingin’ Models is a swinging’ good time. 

AKA:  Bed Career.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: NYMPHO-CYCLER (1971) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Ed Wood wrote directed and stars in this cheap but kinda fun porno.  He plays a photographer named Ed who marries his favorite figure model, Misty (Casey Larrain).  He also sets her up on dates with his friends as sort of a side business.  Misty eventually gets fed up being his whore, so she hops on her motorcycle and takes off.  When her bike breaks down, some sexy gals in a convertible give her a lift and immediately start pawing her.  They take Misty back to their pad and smoke pot before engaging in a lesbian threesome.  Later, she gets picked up by a biker who bangs her in a field.  Then, his biker gang invites her to a bonfire orgy.  Sadly for Misty, it all ends in tragedy. 

After sitting through Wood’s dreary The Young Marrieds, I was kind of dreading this.  Fortunately, Nympho-Cycler was surprisingly enjoyable.  The sex scenes are decent too, considering some of Wood’s other ventures into adult cinema.  That’s mostly because Larrain has a winning screen presence and seems to be having fun in her scenes.  Some of the dialogue is funny too, like “I’m in show business.  And I’m about to show my business!”, which helps add to the fun.  The musical selections, which include instrumental versions of Donovan’s “Sunshine Superman” and Santana’s “Black Magic Woman” are amusing as well. 

It’s also fun seeing Wood in front of the camera for a change.  He gets to romp around with Larrain in a hot tub and barks orders at her while taking pictures of her.  He disappears after the first act, but his performance (or appearance at least) helps make the film memorable. 

The only debit is the bizarre, abrupt, and downbeat ending.  The version I saw was only thirty-seven minutes long, but apparently there are more complete versions that run about fifteen minutes longer.  I don’t know if those versions flesh things out more or not.  The extremely rushed ending aside, for the most part, Nympho-Cycler makes for a breezy and enjoyable ride. 

AKA:  Nympho Cycler.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE YOUNG MARRIEDS (1972) *

FORMAT:  DVD

Right from the incomprehensible opening scene you can tell this is an Ed Wood porno.  Shots of waves crashing on the shore while a narrator drones on about men and women’s relationships through the centuries are intercut with footage of two disembodied voices ogling strippers.  Sadly, this is just about the only real Wood-ian flourish the film has to offer. 

Ben (Dick Burns) picks up a girl in his dune buggy and takes her out in the country to ball.  He’s married to the frigid Ginny (Alice Friedland) who is mad that he spends all his time in nudie bars.  (She doesn’t know about his dune buggy trysts.)  To spice up their marriage, Ben buys a camera and decides to take risqué photos of his wife.  He soon creates a monster as she becomes more demanding in bed.  Eventually, the couple go to an orgy arranged by Ben’s co-worker. 

Wood’s handling of the sex scenes is crude at best and downright unsexy at worst.  Of all the scenes, I’d say the final orgy scene is the best.  However, the camerawork and staging of the performers leaves something to be desired.  The crummy, intrusive narration doesn’t help matters either. 

Wood’s best work came from his ability to wear his heart on his sleeve.  From the corny but sincere Sci-Fi elements in Plan 9 to the earnest transvestite themes in Glen or Glenda, Wood’s transparent enthusiasm gave them their charm.  With The Young Marrieds, it’s clear that Wood’s heart just isn’t in it.  It’s obvious here he’s just trying to get a sex flick in the can and call it a day.  Other than the perplexing opening, there’s very few touches here that fans of Wood have come to appreciate.  It’s also surprising to hear the characters saying a lot of decidedly un-PC dialogue about members of the gay community, which is disappointing considering how Wood handled the subject of transvestites with such sensitivity in Glen or Glenda. 

This was considered a lost film for a long time until it was rediscovered.  Sad to say, it was probably better off lost.  This proved to be Wood’s final feature as a director, and it’s kind of a sad end to a truly one-of-a-kind career.  Had he only lived another year or so, he would’ve received recognition for his work in his lifetime. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE UNHOLY CHILD (1975) * ½

FORMAT:  DVD

A sailor named Gabe returns home to see his sister.  Whenever he asks anyone about his girlfriend, they immediately clam up.  He soon learns she married another man while he was out to sea and to make matters worse, someone seems to have it in for him.  After the mysterious figure blows up his car, Gabe searches for answers. 

The central mystery of The Unholy Child isn’t very involving.  Not that the film needed a great mystery to hold all the sex scenes together.  It’s just that you need… well… SOMETHING here to keep your interest.  Since the sex scenes are not hot and seemingly go on forever (as does the nude dance scene) and the plot stinks, there’s nothing here to captivate the viewer.  Also, the music drops in and out during the sex scenes and the dubbing is poor too.  You know it’s bad when the characters walk by a strip club advertising “Exotic Lady Wrestlers” and you root for them to go inside as the promise of exotic lady wrestlers is infinitely more interesting than anything else on screen. 

Yes, The Unholy Child is pretty much a mess from start to finish.  The most amusing aspects about it are just how inept it is.  The shot of Gabe’s car blowing up is hilarious as it’s just a model car being blown up by a firecracker.  This is the film’s sole highlight, but it’s worth the extra Half-Star.  Trust me. 

It’s also painfully obvious that the “man” following our hero is really a woman in drag.  In fact, the reveal of the killer may be the most infuriating thing about the movie as we already know who the killer is, but the film ends so abruptly that we never find out WHY they were after our hero.  Plus, we never learn what the Hell the title means.  Argh. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (1975) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

A young writer rents a room in a boardinghouse from the sexy Zenobia (Helen Madigan).  His first night there, he hears all kinds of strange goings on.  He eventually learns that all the ladies of the house are Satanists.  (Gee, do you think the giant pentagram on the wall gave it away?)  When he tries to leave, they knock him out and force him to participate in a big Satanist orgy. 

Not to be confused with the erotic lesbian vampire classic of the same name, this is a surprisingly solid Satanic sex flick.  The highlight is the fucking awesome scene where Zenobia plays with her pussy… literally!  She has her pet cat on top of her and while she’s petting it, the frisky feline turns into a horny blonde!  Then they fuck!  I guess it’s true what they say… You are what you eat!   What made this scene great for me was the fact that the cat in the movie looked exactly like my cat!  I can only hope it’s just a matter of time before little Mooney turns into a sexy blonde bombshell for me.  Fans of gratuitous close-ups of gaping glistening genitalia will also be in Heaven during this scene. 

In another memorable sequence, Zenobia appears with a wild looking devil tattoo below her naval that lines up so that her vagina is the devil’s mouth.  When our hero bangs her, she yells, “Fuck the devil’s skull!”  Madigan is hot in all of her scenes and kinda reminded me of Lauren Graham a little bit.  The legendary Joey Silvera is also on hand in a supporting role as one of the Satanists. 

Admittedly, most of this is pretty shoddy.  There are visible boom mikes and crew member shadows.  And wait till you see the cheesy negative scratches effect when the Satanists hypnotize our hero.  

However, the Satanist orgy scene features some simple but effective set design.  The camera peers through a rope-woven spider web as the Satanists bang each other while a fog machine blows smoke into the proceedings.  It’s not much, but it works. 

The sex scenes are the main draw, naturally.  Fortunately, there’s a little something for everybody.  We have lesbians, interracial (there’s a guy who looks like Chuck Berry wearing a swami hat who bangs a white girl in a field), anal (on the bathroom floor), orgies, and rim jobs.  You can’t ask for much more out of a Satanic ‘70s porno.