THE HOUSE THAT BURNS AT NIGHT (1985) ***

Rene Cardona Jr.’s The House That Burns at Night is in the running for best opening credits sequence of all time.  Before we even get to see the title of the movie there have already been two stripteases.  If you think that’s awesome, get a load of this:  A junkie stripper (Sonia Infante) stabs a pimp in the groin before the screenwriters have been listed on screen.  And I’m not talking like a short stabbing scene that leaves everything to your imagination.  I mean like full on arterial spray of penis plasma gushing in slow motion.  But wait, there’s more.  Then two paramedics take turns banging her in the back of their speeding ambulance (complete with high five when they swap places).  The ambulance, it should be noted, drives right past a sign that says (I shit you not) “VAG TRANSPORT”! while an EMT is getting some OPP.  Now, I know this is a Spanish language film, so the pun may have been unintentional, but it was downright hysterical to me. 

What I’m getting at here is we are granted seven minutes of pure cinema right off the bat courtesy of Mexican movie maestro Rene Cardona Jr. 

Infante (who also produced this sucker) stars as Alazana, the stripper on the run who settles into a swanky South of the Border brothel to lay low.  Seeing an opportunity, she gets the decrepit madam Esperia (Carmen Montejo) hooked on dope and tries to steal the old bag’s boyfriend Eleazar (Salvador Pineda).  Alazana soon engages in a power struggle with the two lovers for control of the house of ill repute. 

There’s no shortage of female flesh on display here as we see the sex workers stripping, turning tricks, taking bubble baths, getting into water fights and being allergic to clothing in general.  The brothel set itself has a lot of personality as it is almost like a mash up of Wild West saloon, Chinese restaurant, and disco.  The Altmanesque way Cardona captures the action is reminiscent of a Tinto Brass movie as the camera kind of wanders around looking for people who are getting it on.  The film also has a surprising amount of queer content as there are several gay and trans sex workers who ply their trade in the brothel. 

While the film is consistently involving throughout, it really can’t live up to its epic first reel.  The love triangle plot line begins to spin its wheels by the time the third act rolls around.  Cardona does pepper some great bits of cinematic gymnastics (like when he intercuts Pineda blowing away a cop in slow motion a la Sam Peckinpah with shots of Infante entertaining a client) in with the scads of skin, which is more than enough to prevent doldrums from setting in.  The strangely existential ending is really something too. 

The reason to see this though is for Infante.  She’s plenty hot and has several great nude scenes as well.  Whenever she’s on screen, The House That Burns at Night sizzles. 

S.O.S. OPERATION BIKINI (1967) **

Julio Aleman stars as secret agent Alex Dinamo.  When we first see him, he’s fighting bad guys who are smuggling drugs inside of bananas!  He’s out to stop S.O.S., the “Secret Organizational Service”, a crime syndicate run by Madame Bristol (Sonia Furio) who uses her fashion empire as a front for her arms dealing operations.  She holds a bikini convention in a luxurious hotel and Dinamo decides to check it out.  When one of the bikini models is murdered, Dinamo sets out to bring Bristol down. 

Although Aleman is a bit weak in the lead, the ladies in the cast make this otherwise uneven spy caper watchable.  Furio is a solid villainess and even gets to sing a nightclub number in a skimpy evening gown.  (There’s another musical number by a rock combo, but it’s hard to hear the music from the horribly canned-in crowd noise.)  Sonia Infante is also quite the looker as Dinamo’s sexy girlfriend.  We also have Batwoman herself, Maura Monti and Isla (Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia) Vega in the mix as S.O.S. agents. 

Like most ‘60s spy flicks, there are plenty of gadgets to go around.  There’s a lighter that’s also a camera and cigarette cases, books, cameras, pens, and even high heels that double as guns.  Despite that, Dinamo still takes to pressing an old-fashioned stethoscope against a wall to listen to the bad guys in one scene.  The fight scenes aren’t bad either as they are full of Judo tosses and karate chops.  The highlight is the karate catfight between Monti and Infante. 

All the ingredients are there (including a swinging ‘60s score) and the film has a sense of humor, which is appreciated, but for whatever reason, director Rene Cardona, Jr. isn’t quite able to bring all the elements together.  The biggest issue with S.O.S. Operation Bikini is the fact that too much of the movie revolves around Dinamo hanging around the resort.  Even the weakest spy pictures can get by from showcasing exotic locales, but the film rarely ventures outside the hotel once the plot kicks in.  And when it does, most of the time the action still takes place on the grounds of the resort.  (There are a couple of rooftop chases.)  Cardona lets the camera linger on the one exploding car in the flick for so long that you have to wonder if that’s where the entire budget went.  We also get a From Russia with Love-inspired boat chase that serves as the finale.  Even this comes up a day late and a dollar (or I guess in this case, peso) short. 

Another sign of the measly budget:  In one scene I thought I saw a henchman lurking behind a lamp.  Turns out it was just a crew member!  Also, while there are a fair number of hot women in bikinis for our hero to ogle, there’s not as many as you might expect, given the title.  However, if you enjoy your espionage en Espanol, then you may dig it. 

Cardona and Aleman returned two years later with a sequel, Danger Girls. 

FINAL DESTINATION: BLOODLINES (2025) ***

Final Destination:  Bloodlines is a solid entry in the durable horror franchise.  As far as sixth entries in horror franchises go, it’s pretty darn good.  As far as sixth entries that were made fourteen years after the fifth one, it’s a minor miracle that it’s any good at all. 

A college student named Stefani (Kaitlyn Santa Juana) is plagued by bad dreams involving her grandmother, who narrowly avoided death as a young woman.  After Nana croaks, her curse is passed down to the family and it doesn’t take long for her descendants to start buying the farm in disgusting ways.  It’s then up to Stefani to find a way to reverse the curse. 

If there is a problem with this one, it’s that it’s way too long and has too much plot.  (Okay, that’s two problems.)  The scenes of the dysfunctional family trying to protect one another just doesn’t have the same effect as the other movies which relied on friends and/or total strangers coming together to defeat “Death”.  If it’s one thing that we really don’t need in a Final Destination movie, it’s a plot.  And if it’s anything that we don’t need in one of these things is a running time that flirts with two hours.  Other than that, I liked it just fine. 

The important thing is that the kills are there.  We get at least three or four quality death scenes here, which is about the best you can hope for.  There’s a fun bit involving a lawn mower and another in which someone inadvertently winds up in a garbage truck.  The highlight is a hilarious sequence where someone meets a gruesome end inside an MRI machine.  The opening accident scene, set in the ‘50s atop a Space Needle-style restaurant, is a lot of fun too.  There’s even a callback to one of the series’ most iconic deaths, which I’m sure fans will enjoy. 

It was also good to see Tony Todd in one of his last film appearances.  He’s been a mainstay in the series, and the film was able to give him a nice little send-off.  Too bad the rest of the cast (aside from Richard Harmon as the foulmouthed tattoo artist) is bland and unmemorable. 

CARNIVAL IN RIO (1983) ***

Arnold Schwarzenegger stars in this hour-long special about Carnival that premiered on The Playboy Channel.  Now, back in 1983, you probably knew him as Mr. Universe, the guy from Pumping Iron, or as Conan.  This was a year before The Terminator, and he was just on the cusp of being the Arnold Schwarzenegger we all know.  That’s what makes this tape so fascinating.  This was made in a small sliver of time when Arnold (who was always conscious of his public image) would actually agree to appear in something like this.  I’m sure this tape was brought up more than a few times when he was running for governor. 

Anyway, Arnold heads down to Rio during Carnival to soak up the sights and sounds of the local customs and culture.  Mostly though, he just ogles, gropes, and kisses scantily clad and topless women, who look visibly nervous or downright uncomfortable.  He attends an ass-shaking samba competition (“My favorite body part!”) and winds up getting on stage and making a fool of himself.  The next morning, he takes in a capoeira martial arts demonstration before dressing in a native headdress and face paint for a Carnival costume ball where he dances (badly) and runs into Bond girl Ursula Andress.  The following day, Arnold works out on the beach before meeting up with a sexy blonde who gets a soft-focus topless sunbathing sequence alongside a brunette who frolics in the surf.  Then, it’s time for the big Carnival parade.  But enough of that crap.  Soon after, Arnold is cornering the poor brunette and forcing her to give him “language lessons”.  Predictably, he learns just enough so that he can sexually harass women in Portuguese.  The tape ends with Arnold taking the ladies (and one random dude) out for milkshakes before dancing with kids in the streets. 

There are enough picturesque landscapes, scenes of local color, and pseudo-informational tidbits for Carnival in Rio to function as a travelogue.  But let’s face it.  Even with the participation of Arnold, this was only made as an excuse to show some T & A. 

Overall, this is a fascinating time capsule.  Arnold fans will no doubt enjoy seeing a side of him you’re not generally used to seeing.  Some of his antics are truly jaw-dropping.  In short, this is a priceless artifact.  Don’t miss it.  

AKA:  Party in Rio.

MITCH APPEARS ON THE DTVC PODCAST!

I was fortunate enough to once again be a guest on Matt’s DTVC Podcast.  In this episode we dive into not only the Reb Brown classic, Space Mutiny, but also its iconic appearance on Mystery Science Theater 3000.  You can check it out here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dtvc-podcast-211-space-mutiny/id903755371?i=1000709212216

Or as Reb would say, “MOVE!  MOVE!  MOVE!  MOVE!”

BORDERLINE (2025) **

Paul (Ray Nicholson) is an obsessive fan of a pop singer named Sofia (Samara Weaving).  One night, he shows up on her doorstep and stabs her bodyguard (Eric Dane), which gets him thrown in the booby hatch.  Months later, he escapes and sneaks into her mansion where he intends to “marry” her.  Paul then takes Sofia’s entourage hostage and forces them to participate in their nutty nuptials. 

Weaving is one of those actresses I’ll watch in nearly anything and Nicholson has been steadily racking up memorable turns in the past couple years.  Even their combined talents can’t seem to breathe much life into this uneven misfire of a comedy thriller.  The script by first time director Jimmy Warden, who is in real life married to Weaving (and also wrote Cocaine Bear) is loosely based on a stalker Madonna had in the ‘90s, hence the title. (Jimmy Fails’ flamboyant basketball player character is an obvious stand-in for Dennis Rodman, who Madonna briefly dated.) 

It might’ve worked had Warden found a consistent tone.  There are some random bits of goofiness that are entertaining (like the cop who spends his stakeout practicing for a song and dance audition), but for the most part, the humor feels strained or worse, falls flat.  Also, the film often stalls when it turns its focus away from Weaving and her stalker.

For a movie directed by her husband, the star isn’t given much of a spotlight.  Weaving’s character is paper thin, and her deadpan reactions lack the spark of something like Ready or Not.  If anything, it’s more of a showcase for Nicholson, who once again delivers a fun performance and has a few amusing moments.  Dane is also quite good as Weaving’s loyal bodyguard. 

Borderline is one of those movies that’s better in theory than execution.  The fact that everyone treats Nicholson with empathy, even though he’s potentially violent, is intriguing, but it sort of hamstrings the potential suspense.  Nicholson’s commitment to the part is admirable, but the script doesn’t give him much to work with.  The movie also peters out way before the wedding finale, which like the film itself, has a much better set-up than payoff. 

The Flaming Lips’ cover of the title track is very good though. 

DEN OF THIEVES (2018) ***

Den of Thieves plays like a low rent version of Heat.  It has lofty, ambitious aims that sometimes act as a hindrance.  (There’s no reason this thing needed to be nearly two and a half hours.)  However, when it hits the sweet spot between trashy potboiler and well-oiled thriller, the results are often electric. 

Gerard Butler is the disheveled and slimy head of the Los Angeles Major Crimes Unit who is trying to nab a crew of elite bank robbers.  He’s able to get to O’Shea Jackson, the gang’s getaway driver, and force him to turn stoolie.  Meanwhile, the head of the gang (Pablo Schreiber) is setting his sights on robbing the Federal Reserve.  It’s then up to Butler and his crew to take them down. 

The film sometimes feels like an assembly cut as there are subplots and scenes that really don’t need to be there (like the scene where 50 Cent uses the crew to intimidate his daughter’s prom date and/or all the stuff with Butler’s messy personal life).  I’m not saying these scenes are bad or anything, but they get in the way of the cops and robbers hijinks.  That said, there still are plenty of good individual scenes in the midst of the action.  I especially liked the part where Butler and Schreiber silently intimidate one another while at a shooting range. 

Butler is a lot of fun to watch as he goes all in on the character’s grimy persona.  Jackson fares well too as the young criminal in over his head.  Schreiber kind of looks like Matthew Fox’s evil twin and delivers a strong turn as the ringleader of the gang.  50 Cent isn’t given a whole lot to do as Schreiber’s second in command, but his presence alone gives the film a boost. 

The final robbery and shootout scenes are solid.  The big Keyser Soze twist is maybe less so.  However, nitpicks aside, Den of Thieves is a winner. 

AKA:  Criminal Squad.