TRON: ARES (2025) ****

Let me get this out of the way before I begin this review.  I have no idea why this is called Tron:   Ares since Tron isn’t even in the goddamned thing.  That’s like making a movie called Batman and not having Batman in it.  Heck, no one even says the name “Tron” in the film.  Seriously, David Warner gets more screen time than Bruce Boxleitner and David Warner’s fucking dead!  I probably wouldn’t have been so miffed if they pulled a “From the World of John Wick” number like they did with Ballerina.  (Hell, at least John Wick was in THAT.)  Then again, seeing the insidious way they did Tron dirty in Tron:  Legacy, I can’t really blame Boxleitner for staying away this time out. 

Okay, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let’s get down to business.  Tron:  Ares is fucking badass.  It erases the stink leftover from Legacy and honors what came before while simultaneously paving the way for the future.  This is the way to do a legacy sequel.  (No pun intended.)

Maybe it was the lowered expectations.  I was hoping it would be good, but the bad word of mouth and even worse box office made me cool off a little on seeing the flick.  I’m kind of glad too since I was truly caught off guard by how great this was.  You definitely need to see this on the biggest screen possible with the best sound available to get the maximum impact.  Heck, I saw it in a smallish theater and was still blown away by it. 

Ares is a clever reversal of the original premise.  Instead of having a good guy from the real world being sucked into a computer, bad guys are spat out of a computer and into the real world.  That means we get to have Lightcycle races on bridges and crowded streets, Lightjets doing battle with police aircraft, and an enormous Recognizer floating through the air and menacing the city like it was Godzilla. 

I kind of liked how hacking took the place of the gaming aspect of the original.  When Ares (Jared Leto) is sent on a mission to hack into Encom’s system, it plays almost like a heist movie, which was pretty cool.  The action involving Lightcycles, Lightsticks, Lightjets, and even Lightboats are also tons of fun. 

Ares (Leto) is a computer program created by Dillinger (a slimy Evan Peters in grotesque tech bro mode) as a soldier of war.  Dillinger has found a way to make war machines in the computer and then with a newfangled 3D printer, he can not only bring tanks into the real world, but soldiers like Ares as well.  The problem is Ares can only live “off the grid” for twenty-nine minutes before “de-resing”.  When Dillinger orders him to kill his competitor (Greta Lee), Ares develops a conscience and rebels against his user. 

Words like “dazzling” and “breathtaking” get bandied about in movie reviews, but this is one time when both terms apply.  Visually, the film is stunning.   It looks like the universe you remember (and in the movie’s best scene, it’s exactly the universe you remember), just with a modern sheen.  The scenes both on and off “the grid” are moody and elegantly shot too. 

Sonically, it’s something else.  The score by Nine Inch Nails captures the same flavor of Wendy Carlos and Daft Punk without duplicating them, all the while remaining totally NIN to the core.  Trent Reznor creates a score that fits both the Nine Inch Nails aesthetic while at the same time fitting comfortably within the world of Tron.  (Yes, I listened to the score on the car ride home.)

Say what you will about Jared Leto, but speaking strictly about his performance here, he is excellent.  He captures the childlike wonderment of a program learning to be human while still kicking plenty of ass in the action scenes.  Peters makes for a suitably sleazy villain and (poor box office aside) I hope they make another one so they can follow up on the awesome mid-credit stinger.  Gillian Anderson is also quite good as his long-suffering mother.  Jeff Bridges is also around for what amounts as an extended cameo, but he has nice chemistry with Leto, and he looks comfortable enough passing the torch to him. 

So yeah, I’m kind of bummed this flopped because the set-up for the sequel seemed promising.  Then again, Tron was able to buck bad box office and mixed reviews to become a cult hit and spawn a sequel.  Twice.  Maybe it will happen a third time. 

End of line. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: DANCES WITH WEREWOLVES (2017) ***

As a general rule, I’m pretty much guaranteed to watch anything provided it has a great title.  And with a title like Dances with Werewolves, how can you lose?  The most surprising thing about it is there’s a legitimately good movie hiding inside the cheesy title. 

Cassie (Aqueela Zoll) runs out on her abusive boyfriend and heads to Los Angeles to make a fresh start.  There, she winds up getting entangled with Darcy (Tatiana DeKhtyar), a madam who goes around the city turning hookers into werewolves.  Meanwhile, Jay Nightraven (Omar Paz Trujillo), a Native American paranormal investigator and his sexy assistant/girlfriend (Lauren Parkinson) try to get to the bottom of a rash of murders committed by the streetwalking skinwalkers.  He then tries to cure Cassie of her lycanthropy, but of course Darcy comes looking to retrieve the lost member of her pack. 

Written, produced, and directed by the team of Donald F. (Dinosaur Valley Girls) Glut and Dan (Timegate:  Tales of the Saddle Tramps) Golden, Dances with Werewolves is more straightforward and serious than the jokey (but admittedly great) title would suggest.  It sort of plays like a low budget riff on Bordello of Blood, but with werewolves instead of vampires.  It’s pretty amusing too, all things considered.  While there could’ve been a little more T & A (there’s more A than T) and gore (we do get a decent gut ripping scene though), I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I’m especially glad they used practical effects for the werewolf women as spandex outfits covered with crepe hair will always be sexier than something that came out of a computer. 

The cast is particularly strong, and the women characters are well written.  DeKhytar is great as the sexy and assertive werewolf woman.  Zoll gives more layers to her character than was probably necessary, and Parkinson proves there’s more to her than just a token girlfriend.  Jacqui Holland and Madeleine Wae have their moments as well as the hookers who are under Darcy’s spell.  Phantasm’s Angus Scrimm (in his next to last role), Skinamax siren Debbie Dutch, and Feast director John Gulager round out the fine supporting cast. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: MY GRANDPA IS A VAMPIRE (1992) **

Lonny (Justin Gocke) is a little American kid who goes to spend the summer with his Aunt Leah (Pat Evison) in New Zealand.  His friend Kanziora (Milan Borich) soon becomes convinced that Lonny’s eccentric old grandfather (Al “Grandpa” Lewis) is a vampire.  His suspicions are confirmed shortly after Grandpa passes away when he returns sporting fangs, a cape, and the ability to fly around in the moonlight.  Problems arise when Leah’s loutish boyfriend (Noel Appleby) fancies himself as a vampire hunter and tries to drive a stake through Grandpa’s heart. 

From David Blyth, the director of Death Warmed Up and The Red Blooded American Girl, My Grandpa is a Vampire is a kid friendly horror flick that would feel comfortable sitting alongside stuff like My Best Friend is a Vampire and My Mom’s a Werewolf on the video store shelf.  It works mostly as a tribute to Grandpa himself, Al Lewis.  If you’re a fan of the man (and frankly, who isn’t?) the film should be at the very least tolerable.  The scenes of Lewis taking the boys flying out in the moonlight are sweet, but the rest of the movie is frustratingly uneven.  The jokes are lame, the Kiwi accents are annoying, and some parts are downright perplexing.  The scene where a drunk woman hits on little Lonny (at his grandfather’s funeral no less) is extremely cringeworthy.  The most memorable scene occurs when the boys take Grandpa to McDonald’s, which means it might make for a good WTF kids movie double feature with Mac and Me. 

Lewis looks like he’s having fun doing a slight variation on his beloved character.  I mean if you’re making a movie called My Grandpa is a Vampire, who better to play the vampire grandpa than Al “Grandpa” Lewis?  That’s just smart casting if you ask me.  However, if you’re really jonesing to see Lewis in action, you’re honestly better off with old Munsters reruns or those old Grandpa monster movie compilations than this.  Even when viewing it strictly as kids’ entertainment, My Grandpa is a Vampire still doesn’t quite cut the mustard.  There isn’t much here to please adolescent horror fans and younger viewers who scare easily will probably be bored more than anything. 

AKA:  Moonrise.  AKA:  Grampire.  

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: DEAD ANT (2019) ***

Dead Ant starts off with a hot chick having a peyote trip where she strips off all her clothes and runs naked through the desert while being chased by a giant CGI ant.  As far as ways to open up a picture go, I’d say this ranks right up there with the best. 

Michael (Twin Peaks) Horse is a Native American medicine man/drug dealer who sells a powerful brand of peyote to an over the hill rock band called Sonic Grave who are heading into the desert to play a low rent Coachella type concert.  He tells them if they don’t disturb the land, they will have a good trip.  Things immediately go wrong when the bass player (Sean Astin) pisses on an ant while tripping balls, which causes the ants to grow to enormous size and come after the group. 

Dead Ant has a strange but endearing cast.  In addition to Horse and Astin we have Jake Busey as the lead singer of the washed-up hair metal band, Tom Arnold as the band’s loudmouth manager, and Sydney Sweeney as a sexy groupie who wears a skimpy bikini the whole movie.  It’s an odd mix of talent, but everyone doesn’t take things too seriously (neither should you) and they seem to be having fun (you probably will too). 

I mean the premise is just weird enough to work.  It’s definitely a different way to do a killer animal movie, that’s for sure.  Usually in these things, it’s toxic waste or a hole in the ozone layer or some shit that causes the animals to mutate.  I don’t think we’ve seen one where the insects become killers when the white man fucks around with nature while high on Native American peyote. 

My biggest gripe was that the CGI effects are pretty lousy.  The claustrophobic setting (much of the film takes place in a cramped camper) doesn’t help either.  Still, the pace is rather zippy, and the film more or less skates by on oddball vibes alone. 

AKA:  Dead Ant:  Monsters vs. Metal.  AKA:  Giant Killer Ants.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: FRANKENSTEIN GENERAL HOSPITAL (1988) **

Six years after starring in the ho-hum Jekyll and Hyde… Together Again, Mark (Fridays) Blankfield tried his hand at another horror spoof of a beloved monster character.  This one is equally bland and unfunny. 

Blankfield stars as Bob Frankenstein, who works by day as a doctor in a hospital, but by night tries to create a monster (Irwin Keyes from House of 1000 Corpses) in his laboratory down in the basement.  The annoying Leslie Jordan is Frankenstein’s inept assistant Iggy who sneaks around stealing body parts when no one is looking.  After the experiment is a success, it doesn’t take long before the monster escapes from the lab and wreaks havoc on the hospital. 

Frankenstein General Hospital has been referred to as “the worst Frankenstein movie of all time”.  Well, it’s not THAT bad (Frankenstein Island, anyone?), but it never once comes close to approaching “good”.  If you enjoyed Jekyll and Hyde… Together Again, you may find something to appreciate here.  All others should probably steer clear. 

The big problem is that it’s a horror comedy that frankly never delivers on the laughs.  The jokes are feebly constructed and indifferently delivered.  There’s also a lame running gag of people laughing every time the doctor mentions his “secret experiment”. 

It’s not all bad though.  All the scenes in the doctor’s lab are in black and white, which was a nice touch.  These sequences at least look the part, even if the jokes land with a thud.  We also get some small servings of T & A, which help a little. 

I’ve never been much of a Blankfield fan, so this one didn’t do a whole lot for me.  Thankfully, Keyes is fun as the monster, especially when he becomes smart.  Playboy Playmate of the Year (1986) Kathy Shower is easy on the eyes as a sexy shrink who doubles as a dominatrix.  We also have Ben Stein as a doctor, a cameo by Bobby “Boris” Pickett of “Monster Mash” fame, and a photo of Colin Clive. 

AKA:  General Hospital.  AKA:  Monster Hospital.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: THE MALIBU BEACH VAMPIRES (1991) ½ *

The Malibu Beach Vampires is a nearly incomprehensible and unwatchable mess.  Before the title even appears, the film stock changes twice, time codes are visible at the bottom of the screen, and the editing is so bad it’s bound to make you cross-eyed.  Sadly, this is about as good as the movie gets. 

There’s no real plot to this thing.  It’s almost like a bunch of movies that got thrown in a blender and were fed to the editor via an Uno Attack game.  The easiest part of the movie to follow features a trio of girlfriends renting a beach house in Malibu for the weekend.  There are also subplots involving a vampire girl trying to find love, a telethon ran by a pair of televangelists modeled on Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, and a fake Oliver North guy being interrogated by Congress.  These imposters horribly date the movie and none of them come close to eliciting the slightest chuckle. 

I guess it might’ve been okay if the Jim and Tammy Faye scenes were saying something satirical about the couple or about organized religion in general, but they most seem like a vehicle for long tapdancing scenes and inexplicable religious song and dance numbers.  It also doesn’t help that their telethon is just filmed at someone’s dance studio and not on an actual stage (or church).  Director Francis Creighton plays the Jim Bakker character, and his performance is downright painful to watch. 

Maybe I wouldn’t have been so upset if this had actually been about… you know… Malibu Beach Vampires.  However, the eponymous ladies only take up about 7% of the actual plot.  I’ve seen low budget movies where vampires wore cheap dime store plastic fangs, but this might be the first one where they wear Dracula fangs that are nothing more than Halloween wax candy lips. 

Most of the time, it feels like you’re watching TV while someone with ADHD has the remote and is channel surfing like a goddamned lunatic.  Either that, or it plays like a Kentucky Fried Movie kind of parody (minus the laughs), but the editor tried to (unsuccessfully) edit everything together into one continuous plot line.   The results are nothing less than a big incoherent mess.  In fact, the random cutaways to the sexy beach girls dancing to “Beach Blanket Bingo” are the only thing saving this turd from a No Stars rating. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: THE WOMEN EATERS! (2025) ***

The Women Eaters! is the latest cinematic concoction from W.A.V.E. Productions.  It also happens to be their first new film which utilizes AI.  (They had previously used AI to touch up a special edition of Witchfinder.)  Now, I am vehemently anti-AI, but when I heard W.A.V.E. was now using it to make movies… well… I mean.  I had to see THAT. 

It did not disappoint.  One minute into the thing and I was already laughing my ass off.  Director Gary Whitson knows if you’re going to go AI, you’ve got to bring the WTF. 

Big Pharma is perfecting a drug to reverse menopause.  The secret ingredient lies in giant worms from Africa that only feed on estrogen.  Because of that, they only eat women.  Well, wouldn’t you know it?  A worm escapes from the lab and goes around eating women. 

First, it’s a gal hiking in the woods.  Then, it gets Tina Krause after she’s just gotten out of the shower.  After that, a hunter tries to use a woman as bait for the monster, but it doesn’t go as planned.  Next, it attacks Debbie D. while she’s birdwatching.  That’s followed by another woman being eaten right after a shower.  The worm gets the next victim right where it counts.  Finally, it comes after Laura Giglio, but not before she does some jumping jacks in slow motion without the benefit of a bra. 

Whitson doesn’t go overboard with the AI as he uses it for maybe a quarter of the time.  The stuff without the newfangled tech feels very much like an old school W.A.V.E. production, but with a bad CGI worm.  The AI scenes are something else though.  I don’t think it made me an advocate for the technology.  However, it sort of fits the W.A.V.E. aesthetic better than you might expect.  Let me put it to you this way:  I don’t think I want to see a big budget Hollywood movie using AI.  I would on the other hand love to see more low budget AI bondage fetish horror movies. 

The scenes that are purely AI made my jaw drop.  Imagine if Neil Breen made a power point about killer worms and you have some idea of the lunacy we have here.  Also, this movie is historic in that it features the first AI death by quicksand.  If you’re a fan of W.A.V.E., then you probably already know how integral quicksand is to their formula.  This W.A.V.E. fan in particular was a happy camper. 

Yes, even with a running time of only forty-seven minutes, it’s still too long.  Yes, some of the kills are repetitive.  (The worm always seems to leave its victims cut in half like a magician’s assistant.)  That said, when those magic moments of W.A.V.E.-coded weirdness hit, it’s a fresh blast of cinematic insanity.