HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: NUDE IN DRACULA’S CASTLE (2009) ***

After the fanfare of Halloween dies down and The 31 Days of Horror-Ween has finished, I inevitably wind up with a LOT more horror movies on my plate to watch.  I typically lump these reviews into a column called Halloween Hangover.  I tried to start this year’s edition off with something called Nude in Dracula’s Castle, which looked promising.  Alternative Cinema put out this two-disc set containing four hours of nudie shorts from the 50’s and ‘60s.  Now, I was under the mistaken impression they were all (or at least mostly) horror related, which is why I spent the week of Halloween watching them.  I got about a quarter of the way through the set when I realized that wasn’t the case, as only the first film was a horror nudie short.  By then, it was too late to turn back.  Anyway, forget that long-winded opening, here’s my in-depth report on a bunch of vintage smut: 

“Nude in Dracula’s Castle” ****

A sexy brunette spends the night in a spooky old mansion and is menaced by the pale faced butler who is actually a vampire.  This was pretty much it as far as the horror nudie shorts go.  That said, it is a terrific little mini-masterpiece.  It has better production values than most features and the lighting is particularly good for an 8mm loop.  Imagine if Russ Meyer did a remake of Nosferatu and Carnival of Souls in less than three minutes and that might give you an idea of what to expect.  It’s pure cinema.  I don’t know if it’s worth buying the whole set just for this short, but I couldn’t fault anyone for wanting to add it to their collection.  It’s that damn good. 

“Lynda” ** ½ 

A model named Lynda lies on the bed thrusting her loins at the camera.  This is about as basic a nudie loop as you can get.  However, if you paid a quarter back in the day to see it at an adult arcade, I’d say you probably got your money’s worth as there are plenty of full-on beaver shots. 

“Lusty and Young” ** ½ 

A snaggle-toothed chick disrobes and shows off her beaver.  Like "Lynda", there’s not a lot to this one, but it’s got plenty of bush.  It’s also memorable, if only for the model’s dental deformity. 

“Marty” ***

This loop follows the same tired structure as the previous two entries.  The difference here is that Marty is a real looker and seems to be enjoying grinding her beaver about. 

“Brandi” *** ½ 

If Brandi isn’t the best-looking girl so far, she’s definitely the most limber.  She’s certainly eager to show off that beaver, which also helps enormously.  Add to that the fact that the camerawork is much better in this loop and you have yourself a real winner. 

“Blonde and Spunky” ***

The model is blonde and spunky, so you can’t sue them for false advertising.  (She kind of looks like Angie Dickinson a little.)  Compared to the other beaver loops, this one has some interesting camerawork as it begins with a cool low angle shot and features several close-ups of the eager model mugging for the camera.  It’s kind of on the short side, but other than that, it’s a winner. 

“Red Hot and Ready” ***

This one follows the same formula as the previous loops.  A brunette strips for the camera before hoping into bed.  This gal, while she maybe not as attractive as some of the other starlets in the collection, is jiggly with a capital “J” as she does some memorable bumping and grinding throughout her energetic routine. 

“Lucious for You” ** ½ 

A brunette with heavy eye make-up and a big beehive undresses and flicks her tongue at the camera.  This one is hallmarked by camerawork that leers closely to its subject.  Sometimes it’s a little too close, but it does result in at least one great shot from between the model’s legs. 

“Innocent and Willing” ****

Up until now, all the segments have been relatively chaste.  Although all the models have appeared nude, there hasn’t been anything here that would be labeled as hardcore.  That all changes with this sequence, which features a hot blonde graphically masturbating.  Even if you aren’t a fan of vintage erotica, this loop may make you change your tune as it’s tawdry as all get out.  This was about as close to OnlyFans as you could get back in the ‘50s!

“Groovy for You” ** ½ 

After checking herself out in the mirror, a sexy brunette disrobes before sprawling out on a couch.  This one is a nice change of pace since it takes place on a couch rather than a bed.  Other than that, it’s not especially memorable although the model is definitely cute. 

“Candy” ***

A cute short haired brunette with glasses undresses.  At first, she seems shy and demure, but once her glasses come off, she can bump and grind with the best of them.  The shot of her bent over for the camera that concludes the reel is especially saucy. 

“Old Fashion” ***

A chick that kind of resembles Jackie O. undresses and gives the viewer a come-hither type look before lounging on her bed.  While this one follows essentially the same formula as nearly all the other loops featured here, the winning personality of the model helps make it one of the most memorable. 

“Spunky and Loving It” *** ½ 

This is another case where the enthusiasm of the subject makes all the difference.  Our leading lady does the Twist while wearing nothing but a cardigan and black panties.  While she’s twisting, her boobs and buns wiggle and jiggle something fierce.  Then she sprawls out on her bed while wearing long black gloves before another twisting striptease.  Chubby Checker eat your heart out!

“The Smiling Blonde” ** ½ 

Hey what gives?  This one is all about a frowning brunette!  Just kidding.  There’s not much to this one as it’s short and (mostly) sweet.  At least the model wastes no time when it comes to ditching her stitching. 

“Cute and Curly” **

This reel (about a redhead doing a striptease) looks noticeably older than the previous loops.  (It’s possibly from the ‘40s.)  It’s not terrible, but the extensive print damage and focus problems take much of the fun out of the equation. 

“Margie” ** ½ 

A platinum princess pops her top and poses for the camera.  This one is really short and doesn’t go anywhere, but the model is hot. 

“Sweet and Bored” **

Here’s another short loop plagued with print problems.  It’s a shame too because the model is definitely cute.  It makes you wish the cameraman had found more for her to do. 

“Bed Manners” ***

This one shows what you can do when you have a cameraman who likes to keep things interesting and a model with screen presence and sex appeal.  It’s brief and to the point, but it works 

“A Little Tipsy” ***

True to the title, the model looks to be under the influence here.  She’s still plenty hot and looks great while slinking around on a sofa and showing off her ample bush before rolling onto the floor and undulating on all fours.  I bet she’s fun at parties. 

“More for the Pillow” ***

A naked blonde cavorts and contorts on a bed.  This one gets right down to business, which after a few hours of watching this sort of thing, is appreciated.  It also helps that the subject seems to be thoroughly enjoying herself. 

“Beached Mermaid” *** ½ 

This short offers two firsts for the collection.  One:  It takes place outdoors.  Two:  It’s in color!  A cute blonde drops her towel on the beach and frolics nude in the sand with an oversized beach ball.  The color photography enhances her great smile and lovely figure, making this one of the better shorts on the DVD. 

“More Than a Wink” *** ½ 

A brunette fidgets in her sleep before removing her clothes and gyrating around.  Folks, we’ve all seen sleepwalking, but this might be the first instance of sleepstripping!  Add to that the fact that she can twerk better asleep than some girls can awake (and the fact that she can’t seem to keep her tongue in her mouth), and you have yourself a wild short and a great way to end the first disc. 

“The Shave” ****

Disc Two kicks off with another color short.  If you’ve had your fill of fuzzy beavers throughout this collection, this will be the perfect antidote.  A beautiful blonde disrobes in her bedroom before lathering up her nether region and shaving her pubic hair.  You know, there is something to be said for impeccable grooming habits.  Like “Nude in Dracula’s Castle”, this is a classic of its kind.  Little touches like the close-up of the razor or the use of a mirror by the model to aid her in her quest for a shorn mound makes this borderline art.  It probably belongs in the MoMA.  It would’ve been a classic anyway if it had just been a single shaving scene, but afterwards, the model gets dressed (she’s just as hot getting dressed as she is undressing) in a see-thru crotchless and bottomless two-piece pajamas before undressing for the camera AGAIN.  How this didn’t win an Oscar for Best Short Film I’ll never know. 

“Eros POB 613 Copenhagen” ***

This looks to be an excerpt from Danish nudist movie.  Four naked gals parade around a pool and perform an impromptu beauty pageant.  The winner is crowned, and she’s handed a trophy.  Then, the ladies play a game where they throw a tennis ball over a volleyball net.  (I guess they blew their budget on the trophy and couldn’t afford a real volleyball.)  This one is novel for its use of multiple set-ups, more than one model, and an actual storyline (loose as it may be). 

“Beauty and the Beach” ***

A spunky blonde in a black bikini is strolling along the beach.  She then sneaks behind the rocks where she sheds her swimwear to enjoy the surf and sand au natural.  The combination of a cute model and scenic location work makes for another solid entry in the collection. 

“Double Your Pleasure” ***

A blonde and a brunette lug a bag of golf clubs through the desert and play with a beach ball.  When the beach ball pops, they decide to just sunbathe.  This is another short that has a naturist vibe to it.  My only complaint is that the golf clubs never really come into play (aside from the brunette taking one or two practice swings).

“Cynthia” *** ½ 

A hot blonde lounges nude in bed while batting her lashes for the audience.  While this is one of the simplest loops, it is also one of the most effective as our model has oodles of sex appeal and the camera absolutely adores her. 

“Beauties Bathing” ***

I really enjoy these nudist camp style shorts.  In this one, three gals at a beach house strip, roll around in the sand, perform calisthenics, toss around a volleyball, and lounge on top of a picnic table.  (One model also checks on lunch, which includes a pineapple and a big fake fish.)  This loop is so much fun you may forget that the beauties never get around to bathing. 

“On the Road to You” ** ½ 

A naked blonde leaves her car to sunbathe in the desert.  Then it’s back into the car where she heads off to her destination, the Lazy X Ranch.  The outdoor locations make this one stand out, even though it lacks the fun and charm of some of the other loops in the set. 

“Blonde Swinger” ***

If you were bummed about the lack of nude golfing in “Double Your Pleasure”, this short is for you.  A naked blonde grabs a golf clubs and practices her… uh… stroke.  (“Swinger”!  Get it?).  Plus, it’s in color!  Why can’t the LGPA be like THIS?

“Missy” *** ½ 

A demure model with an amazing rack and impeccable bush lies on a couch and bares all for the camera.  There’s not much to this one and there doesn’t have to be since the starlet is a straight-up smokeshow. 

“Close to You” *** ½ 

This one is Bush-o-Rama!  The camera rarely ventures below the model’s thighs or above her belly button.  In short, there’s enough beaver here to make you say damn!

“Sweet and Anxious" *** ½ 

A dark-haired cutie strips out of her black lingerie and teases the camera.  Here’s a sterling example of a model’s playful enthusiasm elevating what could’ve been a thoroughly ordinary loop.  She gives us a perfect amount of tease and please, and leaves us wanting more, but in the best possible way. 

“Queen for a Night” ***

It’s almost like you get two shorts for the price of one in this final loop.  A busty maid strips and tries on her queen’s crown and cloak.  Meanwhile, a gorgeous gal disrobes on a bed.  I don’t know what the heck one has to do with the other, but the models are both pretty hot. 

MITCH APPEARS ON THE DTVC PODCAST!

I was fortunate enough to once again appear on Matt’s Direct to Video Connoisseur Podcast.  On this episode we talked about Dolph Lundgren’s religious-themed revenge actioner, Missionary Man!  I even managed to slip a conversation about W.A.V.E. movies in there.  Check it out: DTVC Podcast 235, "Missionary … - DTVC Podcast - Apple Podcasts

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: THE PSYCHIC (1979) ***

The Psychic feels like an attempt by director Lucio Fulci to make a “respectable” movie.  It’s been labeled as a giallo by some (there is a killer wearing black gloves, but he doesn’t show up until the last act), but it’s more of a thriller in the vein of The Eyes of Laura Mars.  I can’t quite say it’s among his best work (if I had my druthers, I’d pick his gore-soaked zombie films over this flick any day).  That said, this is a solid second-tier effort that is quite entertaining. 

When she was a little girl, Jennifer O’Neill had a psychic vision of her mother committing suicide.  Years later, she has another premonition, but everyone seems to shrug it off.  The visions intensify once she moves to her husband’s abandoned mansion with the intention of fixing the place up.  Soon after, she finds a skeleton hidden in the walls, which inadvertently implicates her husband in the murder.  With him behind bars, O’Neill sets out to find the real killer and clear his name. 

The opening sequence where the white cliffs of Dover get painted blood red is quite effective.  It doesn’t even matter if some of the shots of the brutally skinned face as it hits the cliffside on the way down look a little fakey.  It’s still some good shit and a heck of a way to open a picture.  The same goes for the scene where O’Neill discovers the skeleton in the wall.  The great twist that sets up the third act is expertly sprung too and the Poe-inspired finale is a lot of fun as well (even if it ends abruptly).  Strong sequences like these make it easy to overlook some of the slower Nancy Drew-style scenes in the second act where O’Neill is questioning potential suspects. 

While those scenes tend to drag, O’Neill is nevertheless excellent in them (and indeed throughout the picture).  She really carries the film squarely on her shoulders and the audience is with her every step of the way.  We also get some fine support from Gianni (the Sartana movies) Garko as O’Neill’s husband, and Gabriele (On Her Majesty’s Secret Service) Ferzetti as the prime suspect. 

AKA:  Murder to the Tune of the Seven Black Notes.  AKA:  Demoniac.  AKA:  Seven Black Note.  AKA:  Death Tolls Seven Times.  

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: WEAPONS (2025) **

Zach Cregger is kind of like the white Jordan Peele.  By that I mean he pivoted away from doing sketch comedy in the early 2000’s to writing and directing critically acclaimed horror movies.  I wasn’t a fan of Barbarian, his first foray into the genre, but it had enough bright spots to make me curious what he’d do next.  His follow-up, Weapons wound up being a big box office hit, though I’m not exactly sure why. 

A small town is left in shock when seventeen kids simultaneously run away from home in the middle of the night.  Making their disappearance even more curious is the fact that they all had the same teacher (the omnipresent Julia Garner).  An angry father (Josh Brolin) then sets out to get to the bottom of the mystery. 

Weapons admittedly has an interesting hook, and the initial scenes suck you in right away.  However, the film gets bogged down almost immediately.  Like most “elevated horror” flicks, it suffers from an inflated running time (over two hours) and the structure isn’t exactly optimal for this sort of thing.  The movie is broken up into chapters that revolve around members of the town who are dealing with the disappearances.  Sometimes these scenes intersect a la Pulp Fiction.  The problem is that some of the stories seem like an attempt to tiptoe around the central mystery instead of dealing with it head-on.  I mean you can only get jerked around so much before you start looking at your watch.  In fact, the structure honestly is just a means to dress up the narrative.  Had things played out from point A to point B, it would’ve been really underwhelming.  The dream scenes are rather ho-hum too and only serve to eat up more precious screen time. 

It doesn’t help that by the time the woman who is at the center of the disappearances (Amy Madigan) finally shows up, she looks like a cross between Estelle Getty in Golden Girls and the mom from Rugrats. 

Weapons does have its moments, but they are mostly weighted towards the first and last ten minutes.  I mean, any movie that features an ending that manages to crib from both Point Break and Day of the Dead can’t be all bad.  It’s just a shame that script spends so much time chasing its tail in the middle section of the film. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: IT’S A WONDERFUL KNIFE (2023) ** ½

On Christmas Eve, Henry Waters (Justin Long), a rich real estate asshole who is trying to gentrify a quaint little town, murders the last old codger who won’t sell his home.  He then sets his sights on killing some partying teens when a teenager named Winnie (Jane Widdop) electrocutes him to death.  One year later, everyone but Winnie seems to have moved on from the trauma of that night.  Feeling depressed and unwanted on Christmas, she wishes she was never born.  By doing so, not only does the killer come back to life, but he’s now become mayor of the town which allows him to constantly get away with murder.  It’s then up to Winnie and the town weirdo, appropriately named “Weirdo” (Jess McLeod) to stop Waters and get back to her own timeline. 

It’s a Wonderful Knife is basically Scream Meets It’s a Wonderful Life.  The title itself almost sounds like a gag you’d see on The Simpsons or something.  It’s actually similar in tone to another movie that tried to graft an old classic onto a slasher chassis, Freaky (which makes sense since it was written by the same guy).  However, it’s not nearly as successful or entertaining as that film.  Also, the way Long’s character turns the town into a veritable shrine to himself is reminiscent of the alternate 1985 scenes in Back to the Future 2. 

While the structure and plotting are clever, the slasher scenes are mostly ho-hum.  If only the filmmakers had put as much thought into the stalking and suspense sequences as they did the It’s a Wonderful Life homages, this might’ve been a modern classic.  As it stands, it’s a case of close, but no cigar.  The killer’s get-up is kind of lame too.  It looks just like Ghostface, but all in white and with a blank white mask to match.  You’d think a costume like that would be impractical considering how much blood gets on it.  I mean, how does he get the blood stains out from scene to scene?  Or does he have a never-ending supply of costumes?  You know it’s a problem when you’re thinking about stuff like that instead of concentrating on whether or not the characters will make it out of the house alive.  I did like the fight scene in the movie theater while the “Let’s All Go to the Lobby” ad was projected over the action though. 

The cast is strong, which helps neutralize many of the film’s shortcomings.  Widdop makes for a likeable lead, and she has genuine chemistry with McLeod.  Long makes for a funny villain as he really leans into the character’s yuppie scum persona.  We also have Joel McHale doing some fine dramatic work as Winnie’s grieving dad and Ginger Snaps’ Katharine Isabelle is a hoot as her feisty aunt.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: HOUSE OF THE LONG SHADOWS (1984) **

The prospect of legendary horror stars Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, and John Carradine teaming up for a movie is irresistible.  Add to that the fact it’s directed by Pete (House of Whipcord) Walker, produced by Golan-Globus, and (loosely) based on a story by the creator of Charlie Chan, Earl der Biggers, and you have yourself a recipe for fun.  Despite the pedigree, House of the Long Shadows still manages to be quite dull. 

A best-selling author (Desi Arnaz, Jr.) bets his agent he can write a gothic romance novel in 24 hours.  The agent then sets him up in a spooky old house to write the book.  One by one, the house is called upon by strange gentlemen who prevent him from getting any work done.  Turns out Cushing, Carradine, and Price have returned to the house to finally let their deranged brother out of the attic after forty years.  Lee is the new owner of the property who eventually shows up and demands to know what the hell is going on. 

It takes a while before the titans of terror finally appear on screen.  Till then, it’s mostly a bunch of scenes of Arnaz, Jr. walking down darkened hallways.  Even once the stars finally get together, they mostly just stand around and look grumpy.  It takes even longer for people to start getting offed.  A woman is strangled till her eyeballs pop cartoonishly out, another gets acid in her face, and someone is hacked to death with an axe.  The double (cheat) twist ending is kind of obvious too and only adds to the inflated running time. 

I’m sure everyone involved thought this was going to be a triumphant return for some of horror’s biggest stars.  Sadly, it was not a hit, and it became the last time any of them starred alongside each other.  Only Lee seems to be in his A-game as everyone else looks bored or disinterested.  Then again, YOU try acting alongside Desi Arnaz, Jr and see how you make out.  Leading lady Julie Peasgood isn’t bad though, and sort of resembles a Temu version of Britt Ekland. 

AKA:  House of Long Shadows.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: LIVING WITH CHUCKY (2023) **

A Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th both got documentaries on their respective series. I guess it was a matter of time before Chucky got his.  If you’re looking for an exhaustive chronicle of the franchise, forget it.  This isn’t nearly as in-depth as the others I mentioned.  It’s a shame because it kind of feels like a missed opportunity. 

I was honestly kind of surprised by the number of cast and crew who were suspiciously absent.  Catherine Hicks and Chris Sarandon, the stars from the original are nowhere to be found.  The same goes for director Tom Holland and special effects man Kevin Yagher, who created the doll for the first four films.  (The director, Kyra Gardner is the daughter of Tony Gardner, who did the effects for the series from Seed of Chucky on, so maybe there was a conflict of interest there.)

The opening portion about the first film is good, but they really rush through the making of 2 and 3.  Oddly enough, Brad Dourif isn’t interviewed for these segments, which is disappointing as it would’ve been interesting to hear his take on them.  (Maybe he didn’t have anything nice to say, so they cut it out.)  Since this is a fluff piece, they don’t even mention the infamous Bulger case where a couple of kids murdered a schoolmate and blamed it on Child’s Play 3.  Conversely, they spend way too much time on the lukewarm DTV sequels. 

You can see in the interviews that Dourif takes the role of Chucky VERY seriously, which is I guess a testament to the character’s longevity.  The file footage scenes of him voicing Chucky in an audio booth are among the best in the film as you can really tell he’s giving it his all, even if his reactions aren’t being used in the film.  The interviews with Jennifer Tilly are fun too, but they aren’t all that in-depth. 

The film particularly hits a wall in the last half hour when the camera turns on the director.  It’s here where she talks about how the Chucky filmmakers are kind of like a second family she never met and that she’s using the documentary as an excuse to meet and talk to everyone involved.  (Fiona Dourif can also relate as she is also a second generation of Chucky participant.)  This segment is OK, but it just seems like it should’ve been its own thing.  Having it tacked onto a chronicle of the franchise just seems like a way to pad things out.  I mean, make a movie about Chucky or make a movie about your family.  Splitting the difference just doesn’t quite make for an engaging documentary.

While parts of Living with Chucky play like a nice jaunt down memory lane, it ultimately feels more like a DVD bonus feature than an actual documentary.  Some of the material will be an old hat for fans and/or people who read Fangoria back in the day though.  The parts with people who weren’t even involved with the franchise (like Abigail Breslin and Marlon Wayans) weren’t really necessary either.  At least they interview John Waters, who gets the best line:  “Chucky has sex!  Godzilla doesn’t have sex!  Frankenstein doesn’t jerk off!”