THE SOUL SNATCHER (1965) ** ½

Kathy (Diane Webster) lives in an apartment in New York City with two sexy roommates.  She wants to become a model but can’t seem to catch a break.  She eventually strikes a deal with “The Bearer of Evil” (Fred Dennie) who in exchange for her soul, grants her wish.  Predictably, everything is peachy keen for Kathy until the stranger comes to collect. 

Unlike most New York nudies made around the same time, The Soul Snatcher is in color.  It features Doris Wishman regulars Darlene Bennett and Dawn Bennett (no relation) in supporting roles. This was the only role for Webster, but she is quite good in the lead.  Dennie, with his bald head, bushy goatee, and painted-on eyebrows is memorable too.  (He likewise didn’t star in anything else.)

One of the things I liked about The Soul Snatcher was that Kathy didn’t want to be rich and famous.  She just wanted to get enough modeling gigs to pay her share of the rent.  There’s also a great scene where she goes around trying to get work by showing her legs off to various photographers. 

Some will be annoyed by the constant narration, but I dug it as it helps the audience get inside the characters’ heads and thoroughly explain their motivations.  It’s also padded with nude cheesecake photo sessions and random stripteases, which if I’m being completely honest, is a perfectly acceptable form of padding.  The use of classical music in the background actually works too.  Usually in these sorts of things, the needle drops are random, but in The Soul Snatcher, they almost feel organic and enhance the scene (well… in most instances). 

This all might’ve made for a great hour-long softcore horror flick.  At seventy minutes, it’s just way too long.  The seams start to really show about forty-five minutes into the picture.  It’s here where the pacing really starts to drag.  Curiously enough, the film is at its dullest AFTER our heroine finds fame and fortune.  I don’t know if that was a subtle bit of morality on the filmmakers’ part, or they just couldn’t sustain the momentum throughout the movie.  It doesn’t help matters that the scenes of Kathy frolicking with her new boyfriend feel like you’re watching someone’s vacation videos.  Still, the first act is strong, and there’s enough T & A to make it all watchable. 

TEN LITTLE MAIDENS (1985) ****

Ten Little Maidens is the porno version of Agatha Christie’s “And Then There Were None” with an all-star porn cast.  Notice I said “version” and not “spoof”.  If this was made nowadays, they’d probably call it This Ain’t Agatha Christie XXX or some shit.  It just shows you the ingenuity and craftsmanship that filmmakers used to put into porno versions of familiar tales.  I mean there is some weird shit here for sure (which is what makes it so memorable), but it manages to be a decent whodunit, even with all the fucking.

Harry Reems and Ginger Lynn star as a couple who are invited to an all expenses paid orgy at a mansion on an island in the middle of nowhere.  Their unseen host (who has an Alfred Hitchcock voice) communicates with them via tape recorder and announces they will all die one by one.  Once it looks like his prediction is going to come true, everyone decides to start balling their brains out.  I mean if you’ve got to go, go happy.

If you’re into food play, this is going to be your Citizen Kane of ‘80s fuck flicks.  Remember the scene in Raw Talent where Jerry Butler fucked a cooked turkey?  Well in this one, Jamie Gillis fucks a raw chicken.  I noticed he wasn’t wearing a rubber in this scene, which makes me wonder if that put him at risk for salmonella.  The award-winning dinner feast that turns into an orgy is something else.  It features Gillis cumming on salads, women getting fucked with cucumbers, Amber Lynn cradling a roasted pig while she herself gets stuffed, and dudes fucking pitted peaches.  There’s also a scene where Amber and Eric Edwards make a “banana split” while eating bananas and whipped cream during a 69.  

Another memorable bit involves Nina Hartley dressed like a cowgirl and riding a saddle with a dildo sticking through the leather.  Kitten Natividad, Lisa DeLeeuw, and Janey Robbins round out the cast.  Unfortunately, this was a non-sex role for Kitten, but she looks like she's having fun as a horny mail lady who watches Harry and Ginger fuck in the opening scene.

The death scenes are amusing too.  I mean when’s the last time you saw a guy get killed when a rubber ducky gets stuck on his dick?  Ten Little Maidens also features the screen’s first electrocution via double-edged dildo, so because of that alone, it deserves distinguished recognition. 

777 (1997) * ½

A young man watches a videotape of a condemned serial killer ranting and raving.  The killer claims that one day, a mysterious tattoo appeared on his arm, which was his sign to stop killing.  Our protagonist then sets out to kill as many people as possible so he can get a tattoo of his own. 

Coming from someone who used to make movies in his backyard with friends, I try to approach these no-budget shot-on-video things knowing how difficult it can be.  Even when grading on a curve, 777 (which shouldn’t be confused with 555, another shot-on-video horror movie about a serial killer), is still a tough sit. 

I will say the set-up is well done.  The way the killer snaps and kills his mom (clearly played by a dude in a wig) and keeps her around the house is decent enough.  (At one point, he rips off her ear and eats it.)  Once he runs into another guy who videotapes random people as part of a “neighborhood watch”, the movie goes into the shitter fast and it never looks back. 

Part of the problem is that there doesn’t seem to be a real endgame.  There are dream scenes and sequences that look like they were taken from another short film.  However, they don’t really seem to serve a purpose, other than to bulk up the running time.  Characters come and go, and ones that seem to have some kind of significance (like the guy who may or may not be a detective) disappear with little fanfare.  The movie really begins chasing its tail in the second act.  It even goes for some Lynchian type of vibe near the end, but it fails miserably.  The odd ambient music will have you drifting off to sleep during the dull stretches (of which there are many).

Fortunately, the gore is plentiful.  The best effect is a solid little face peeling scene.  That doesn’t make up for all the times the movie jerks you around though.  I may have been more forgiving if there’d been an actual payoff (even a predictable one would’ve sufficed).  As it is, it’s pretty much a mess.

If you make it all the way through 777, consider yourself lucky. 

SUMMER HORROR DAY (1987) ***

Sam Raimi’s The Evil Dead was one of the most influential horror films of all time.  In the ‘80s, you couldn’t turn the corner at the horror section of your local video store without seeing a movie that was inspired by that horror classic.  Many aspiring filmmakers picked up a camera because of Raimi and began making their own no-budget horror flicks in their backyard.  One such director was Martin Nike, who along with his friends made the highly entertaining Raimi homage, Summer Horror Day. 

A young director and his friends are about to make a movie in their backyard when they find an old book in the basement.  They foolishly read the passages out loud and the place is soon overrun by zombies.  The leader is a cool, scary, skull-faced sucker who looks like a cross between the zombie in the “Father’s Day” episode of Creepshow and Angus Scrimm in The Lost Empire.  Will our director be able to stay one step ahead of the zombies and escape his fate?

Summer Horror Day is oozing with DIY charm.  I don’t know if the zombie leader’s mask was made by Nike and his crew or if they found it in a Halloween store, but it is certainly memorable and effective.  Not only that, but the film is also filled to the brim with guts, blood, and slime.  The over the top gore scenes are well done and occur at a rapid pace, so there’s no shortage of no-budget zombie carnage to go around. 

One of the biggest advantages of the film is that it’s only fifty-five minutes long.  Nike was smart to waste no time getting to the good stuff as he dispenses with the set-up in an expedient manner.  One wishes it had built up to a more satisfying climax, but the fact that Nike was able to keep things moving as well as he did for as long as he could is a testament to his no-budget ingenuity.  It’s a shame he didn’t make anything else as he clearly had a promising future as a horror filmmaker judging by the evidence here. 

MUSCLES, MAIDENS, AND MONSTERS (199?) ***

Here’s a fun collection of Italian musclemen and peplum action films from Something Weird. 

It begins with a super cut of title screens from a bunch of Hercules movies.  Everything from The Sons of Hercules series to the Hercules films starring Reg Park to gladiator epics is included.  Then we are treated to several condensed versions of Hercules and/or Hercules adjacent actioners. 

Our first mini-movie is from the awesome Fire Monsters Against the Son of Hercules which features one of the goofiest looking monsters in togaploitation history and sexy slave girl dance numbers.  From there we get a bevy of scenes from other Italian peplum movies.  Terror of Rome Against the Son of Hercules boasts gladiator battles (including one with a guy in an ape suit), Conquerors of Atlantis contains improbable fights with robot men, and The Medusa Against the Son of Hercules offers more silly sea serpents and a title monster that looks like a cross between the aliens in The Green Slime and Sigmund the Sea Monster. 

The compilation hits its stride in the middle section.  It’s here where we get scenes from the hilarious looking Mole Men Against the Son of Hercules.  We see Maciste fishing for a whale before tangling with a bunch of dudes in white cloaks who die if they stay out in the sun too long (he also fights a guy in a monkey suit).  Finally, Maciste is put to the test by an evil queen who forces him to lift massive amounts of weights in what looks like a prehistoric home gym.  She also runs him through what looks to be a human car wash at one point. 

Then it’s on to a slew of Reg Park Hercules movies.  First up is Hercules the Avenger where Herc travels to the underworld and fights zombies to save the woman he loves.  I thought I was having déjà vu from Hercules in the Haunted World, but it turns out the Avenger recycles some of the same footage from that movie, so at least I know I’m not (that) crazy. 

Of course, it makes sense that Haunted World would be the next film on the docket…. And it’s promptly skipped over since all the best stuff has already been shown.  Then it’s on to Hercules and the Captive Women where Park battles a shape-shifting god that turns into (among other things) a lion, a vulture, and a rubbery looking dinosaur man. 

The last half hour is reserved for sword and sandal trailers.  The highlight is the ad for The Tartars, which features Orson Welles in yellowface!

Is Italian peplum my favorite genre?  Not really.  Would I have preferred this to be a straight-up trailer compilation rather than a mix of clips bundled with trailers?  Sure.  Would it have been cool to see a montage of all of Hercules’ feats of strength back-to-back?  You bet.  Having said that, there is still plenty to enjoy here.  It’s breezy fun, and the condescended sword and sandal epics are short enough that they don’t wear out their welcome.  Be warned though:  That damn Sons of Hercules song is a real ear worm.

The complete trailer list is as follows:  Atlas, Seven Slaves Against the World, The Tartars, Hercules Against the Moon Men, The Revenge of the Gladiators, Revenge of the Musketeers, Hercules of the Desert, Samson and the Seven Miracles of the World, The Witch’s Curse, Goliath and the Vampires, Goliath and the Dragon, Hercules in the Haunted World, Hercules Against the Moon Men (again), Giant of Metropolis, and Goliath and the Sins of Babylon. 

PARADISE CITY (2022) ** ½

I’ve been kind of avoiding watching Bruce Willis’ final run of DTV films because it’s a little depressing seeing his slow and sad decline due to aphasia.  However, I didn’t want to pass up an opportunity to see Bruce teamed with his Pulp Fiction co-star, John Travolta one last time.  Add the always reliable Stephen Dorff in the mix, and I’m all over it. 

Bruce plays a bounty hunter who is killed while trying to bring in a criminal.  His son (Blake Jenner) investigates and teams up with Bruce’s former partner (Dorff) to get to the heart of the matter.  Seems a shady businessman (Travolta) is running islanders off their land so he can make a big real estate deal.  Naturally, it’s up to Jenner and Dorff to stop him. 

Director Chuck (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3) Russell (who also helmed Travolta’s I am Wrath) is a step up from your average DTV hack, so this feels more like a theatrical release than some of Bruce’s other recent flicks.  Russell takes advantage of the sunny Maui locations, which also help enhance the production.  The plot and action lands somewhere between been-there-done that and perfectly acceptable, but the cast keep it afloat for the most part. 

Even though Willis and Travolta are all over the poster, it’s Dorff and Jenner who do the majority of the heavy lifting.  Heck, even Dorff is out of commission for a good chunk of the movie.  That means a lot of the film falls on Jenner’s shoulders, and while he is OK, the scenes where he is front and center are easily the weakest in the film.  It was, however, an unexpected pleasure to see DTV vet Branscombe Richmond popping up as a politician. 

Travolta has fun chewing the scenery.  He seems to be embracing his bald era, and he gives the movie a pulse when he’s on screen.  Bruce is doing the best he can under the circumstances, but he definitely seems to be struggling in some scenes.  He did have more screen time than I was expecting, and it’s fun seeing him interact with Travolta, however briefly. 

The plot twists are predictable, but Russell keeps things moving at a decent clip.  There are enough quirky touches here to keep you amused.  For instance, I liked the fact our hero turns to strippers to see what the word on the street is, seeing how bad guys often blab while getting lap dances.  There’s also nice little nod to Face/Off too.  Whether it was intentional or otherwise, I’m not sure. 

To sum up, if you’re reading a review of Paradise City, then you’re probably the kind of person who would watch it.  As recent DTV action flicks go, it’s a hair better than average.  Viewed as one of Bruce’s last films, it likewise trends higher than the rest of the pack.  Fans of Willis and Travolta who know what they’re getting themselves into should be pleased.

THE CONJURING: LAST RITES (2025) ***

The husband-and-wife team of paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine Warren (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga) are now retired and trying to devote their time to their family.  They are called out of retirement when a family is tormented by a haunted mirror.  Since Lorraine previously tangled with the cursed object when she was pregnant eighteen years ago, that can only mean one thing:  It wants her daughter Judy (Mia Tomlinson). 

This is supposedly the “final” installment of the series, but I’ll believe it when I see it.  While it certainly feels like the end of the Warrens’ story, I have a feeling they will be able to squeeze more blood from this stone, especially considering this was the series’ biggest box office hit.  I mean, it ends with Ed handing the keys to the franchise to his new son in-law, so I imagine they filmmakers will pull some kind of Next Generation-type shit in the near future. 

Director Michael Chaves has been responsible for some of the worst (The Curse of La Llorona and The Devil Made Me Do It) and best (The Nun 2 and this installment) entries in the series.  While it does have more than its fair share of long scenes where people wander down darkened hallways investigating spooky noises and/or scary whispers, the film contains everything from possessions to ghosts to axe murderers, so it keeps you entertained the whole way through.  We also get a great puking scene, a cool bit with a giant Annabelle doll, and a funny moment where the Warrens are giving a lecture and people keep asking questions about Ghostbusters

Chaves also delivers some solidly executed sequences, such as a girl using a VCR to find the ghost in a home movie or when Judy is trying on a wedding gown in a room full of mirrors.  The scenes with the Warrens and their daughter are well-crafted too and give the film an emotional core the previous sequels lacked.  The moments fleshing out her relationship with her and her fiancé aren’t merely filler but help make us care about them.  Ed and Lorraine’s interactions are endearing too.  That’s partially because Wilson and Farmiga have been together for so long in these movies that you almost feel like you’re watching a real married couple by now. 

Like most Conjuring films, Last Rites runs on too long (well over two hours).  There’s also a scene with some CGI blood that looks hella fakey.  However, the dramatic meat is much stronger in this entry, which makes it a shade better than your average installment.  If Wilson and Farmiga bow out and make way for their daughter to take on the franchise, I’d say this would be a fine moment to do so gracefully.  I wouldn’t fault them for returning though. 

The Conjuring Universe Scorecard: 

The Nun 2:  *** ½ 

The Conjuring:  ***

The Conjuring:  Last Rites:  ***

Annabelle Comes Home:  ***

Annabelle:  Creation:  ** ½ 

The Conjuring 2:  **

The Nun:  **

The Conjuring:  The Devil Made Me Do It:  * ½ 

The Curse of La Llorona:  *

Annabelle:  ½ *