BIG BOOBS BUSTER (1990) ***

A teenage schoolgirl is humiliated by the fact that her boobs aren’t as big as her classmates.  Slighted, she stalks the night as an evil super villainess who ties up big breasted women and takes molds of their chests. 

I’m a big fan of softcore Japanese nonsense.  Big Boobs Buster certainly delivers in that department.  This will never be mistaken for a masterpiece, but there are undoubtedly some masterful moments here. I love it when a movie shows me something I’ve never seen before.  The scenes of schoolgirls being accosted and having molds taken of their busts checked that box in the definite affirmative. 

I also enjoyed the fact that the titular titaness was a villainess.  I think it may have been tempting to make a character named Big Boobs Buster into a heroine.  I’m glad the filmmakers went the other way with it, if only for variety’s sake.

Okay, so.  This is the part of the review where I reveal to you that the version I saw didn’t have subtitles.  However, when you watch a movie called Big Boobs Buster without subtitles you only have to ask yourself two questions:  1) Does a movie called Big Boobs Buster actually need subtitles? and 2) If a movie called Big Boobs Buster has a plot that so complicated that it requires subtitles, is it really worth watching?

I will say the lack of an actual climax hurt the film.  (Although I’m pretty sure the dangling plot threads will be resolved in Big Boobs Buster 2.)  Besides, it’s less than an hour long and moves along at a zippy rate.  So, even if you do find some of the plot turns a bit daffy (again, this is the sort of thing that may or may not have been solved with the addition of subtitles), don’t worry because the flick will be onto the next wacky fight scene in no time flat (no pun intended). 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SINFUL INTRIGUE (1995) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Sinful Intrigue features a bare minimum of plot and a bare minimum of clothes.  If you can’t already tell, I pretty much loved it.

Steph (Becky Mullen) is married to a no-good lout named Adam (Bobby Johnston) who likes rough sex and kinky rape-play bondage scenarios.  He starts cheating on her with the sexy Cindy (Griffin Drew), who is more than willing to cater to his deviant needs.  Meanwhile, Steph’s friends start being attacked in the same way Adam makes love to her.  Is he the real culprit, or is there a copycat at work?

The virtual lack of plot is one of the film’s key assets.  The dialogue scenes are only there to get you from one sex scene to the other, which leads to some pretty funny moments.  I liked the part where a rich eccentric client (Pia Reyes) took her interior designer on a walk through her house and they wind up face to face with a lesbian orgy.  This scene was like a mash-up of HGTV and Skinamax!  

In all my years reviewing Skinamax movies, I have to say that Sinful Intrigue features some of the most frequent sex scenes I’ve ever seen in a late-night cable skin flick.  Sadly, as things wears on, the sex scenes become less frequent as the plot starts to become more relevant.  By “less frequent” I mean they happen every six minutes instead of every four.  Another debit is that Lorissa (Lapdancing) McComas doesn’t get nearly enough screen time.  That’s forgivable I guess since Drew and Mullen both are naked a lot.  

One of the best aspects of Sinful Intrigue is its great dialogue.  I got a good chuckle from the scene where Johnston told Mullen, “Your mouth says no, but your nipples say go!”

Mullen gets the best line however, when she says, “Nobody's marriage is perfect.  Well, except maybe Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s!”

LOVE LIES BLEEDING (2024) **

Kristen Stewart stars as Lou, a lesbian who works behind the register at a skeevy gym.  When she sees musclebound Jackie (Katy O’Brien) working out, it’s love at first sight.  Only thing standing in the way of their happiness is the fact that Jackie got all roided up and killed Lou’s asshole brother in-law (Dave Franco).  Naturally, it doesn’t take long before even more bodies start mounting up. 

Love Lies Bleeding is a wannabe neo-noir that never quite comes together.  The gymnasium setting is novel and the sequence where O’Brien hightails it to Vegas to enroll in a bodybuilding competition when she should be lying low from the cops is kind of fun.  However, the plot is often messy, and the various complications seem more arbitrary than anything. 

Maybe my expectations were to blame.  They don’t make too many LGBT neo-noirs nowadays and I guess I got my hopes up thinking this was gonna be the next Bound or something.  Instead, what we got is a frustrating experience.  The film is strangely inert and uninvolving, and when it does try to color outside the lines the results are unintentionally laughable.  I’m thinking specifically of the end scene where (SPOILERS obviously) Katy hulks out and turns into the 50 Foot Woman to protect K-Stew from her evil dad (Ed Harris).  Yes, I know it’s all a steroid-induced dream, but it serves as more of a question mark at the end of the film rather than an exclamation point. 

Sadly, there are very little sparks between the two lead actresses.  They engage in some brief lovemaking, but it’s nothing overly graphic or titillating.  Stewart could do this sort of thing in her sleep by now and she looks halfway tempted to hit the snooze button.  O’Brien does prove to have a unique screen presence about her though.  If anything, the film should act as a serviceable calling card for her for the next few years or so. 

CHECK MITCH OUT ON THE DTVC PODCAST!

I was once again fortunate to have the pleasure of being a guest on The DTVC Podcast.  Matt and I had a lengthy discussion about the quintessential Skinamax classic Animal Instincts.  And if you know me, once I start talking about Skinamax classics, I can’t stop!  Check it out here: DTVC Podcast 179, "Animal Instincts" by DTVC Podcast (spotify.com) 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DINOSAUR ISLAND (1994) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Ross Hagen is babysitting a team of army washouts when their plane goes down near an uncharted island.  Lucky for them (and the audience), the place is populated with sexy cavewomen in loincloths.  They capture the soldiers and prepare them for a life of slavery.  However, when they see Richard Gabai’s happy face tattoo, they believe he’s a legendary hero sent by the gods to kill “The Great One” (AKA:  A Tyrannosaurus Rex).  

When the reigning kings of Skinamax, Jim Wynorski and Fred Olen Ray team up to make a T & A dinosaur picture, you know you’re in for something special.  Dinosaur Island is steeped in Sci-Fi clichés from the ‘50s but updated with copious amounts of nudity you’d expect from a Skinamax flick of the ‘90s.  There are also nods to King Kong, the works of Harryhausen, and old Hammer movies, which adds to the fun.  

Wynorski and Ray were of course cashing in on Jurassic Park.  They even stoop to reusing the dinosaur from Roger Corman’s Jurassic Park rip-off, Carnosaur for their showstopping monster.  Other times, the dinosaurs appear as a hand puppet who eats a G.I. Joe action figure or as old-fashioned stop-motion animation.  The anything-goes kitchen sink approach to the effects is one of the movie’s many charms.  

The best special effects though belong to the female cast.  Any movie that features Griffin Drew, Antonia Dorian, Michelle Bauer, Toni Naples, Nikki Fritz, Becky LeBeau, and Deborah Dutch as sexy cavewomen is certainly going to be recommended viewing for me.  Even if Dinosaur Island is far from perfect, it features a lot more T & A than that Spielberg flick, that’s for sure.

Dinosaur Island is little more than an excuse to show scenes of sexy cavegirls running around in skimpy loincloths, going skinny-dipping, soaking in hot spring baths, and getting into catfights.  For that and that alone, it gets the job done.  I just wish the jokes were funnier.  I mean some of the wordplay is right out of an Abbott and Costello movie and many of the gags are corny and strained (like the use of slide whistles and comic sound effects to punctuate various punchlines).

It may not be the definitive pairing of Wynorski and Ray’s talents, but with this much nudity, an abundance of cool dinosaurs, and a quick pace, it’s hard to complain.

The best joke comes when Gabai says, “Sticks and stones may break our bones, but names will never hurt us!”

The cavewomen reply, “We have sticks… and stones… let’s break some bones!”

BEVERLY HILLS COP: AXEL F (2024) **

After starring in the surprising heartfelt and funny Coming 2 America and the modern classic Dolemite is My Name, I was looking forward to seeing Eddie Murphy return to streaming, this time as the iconic Axel Foley in Beverly Hills Cop:  Axel F.  Sadly, this is well below the heights of those films.  Heck, it even suffers from comparison to the uneven Beverly Hills Cop sequels. 

This time out, Detroit cop Axel returns to Beverly Hills when his buddy Billy Rosewood (Judge Reinhold) goes missing.  Axel reconnects with his estranged lawyer daughter (Taylour Paige), and together they uncover a plot involving dirty cops led by the shifty Captain Grant (Kevin Bacon). 

Axel F isn’t exactly bad.  It’s watchable and would probably play best as background noise.  There just doesn’t seem to be a lot of drive or heart here.  (The scenes of Axel bonding with his daughter curiously fall flat.)  That wouldn’t necessarily matter if it was funny (I honestly think Part 3 had more laughs) or if the action was solid.  However, it just seems like everybody is on autopilot.  (Save for Bacon, who at least looks like he’s having fun.)

That sadly includes Murphy.  That spark he brought to the other films is noticeably absent and his shtick is feeling awfully tired.  It just hits different seeing a middle-aged man doing funny voices to get what he wants.  In fact, the best scene in the film is when he stops his silly accent mid-sentence and says he’s too tired for this shit.  Yeah, Eddie.  We noticed. 

I guess for some folks, just seeing Murphy slipping back into the role after a thirty-year absence and interacting with his old cohorts John Ashton, Bronson Pinchot, and Reinhold again will be enough.  The nostalgic needle drops on the soundtrack will make you tap your toes and remind you of the good old days too.  Unfortunately, nostalgia is about all the film brings to the table. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SCREAM QUEENS NAKED CHRISTMAS (1996) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

(Note:  This was a bonus feature on the Santa Claws Blu Ray.) 

Hey, remember that Scream Queens Christmas video Debbie Rochon was making in Santa Claws?  Well, apparently the film-within-the-film is a real movie!  And by “real movie”, I mean it’s a cheap looking hour-long excuse for a bunch of Scream Queens to don and then un-don their gay apparel for the camera.  Like Santa Claws, it shares the great song, “Scream Queen”.  And like Santa Claws, it has lots of skin on display.

The film is hosted by Santa Claws himself.  Mostly, he just introduces clips of each Scream Queen stripping for the camera.  One crimson-clad model disrobes while dancing in front of Christmas trees.  Then, she does another number while wrapped up with a giant red ribbon and bow before running a teddy bear all over her body while laying on a sled.  The next model does a striptease blindfolded.  This is followed by a saucy redhead in a sexy Santa suit who takes it off.  They saved the best for last as Debbie Rochon does a hot dance while in spangly red number. 

This is basically just extended model scenes from Santa Claws.  I imagine the filmmakers had so much B-Roll footage they decided they could actually make another movie from the material.  By using just enough clips from Santa Claws and newly shot scenes of Grant Kramer as Santa, they were able to get it to an hour.  It doesn’t help though that many of the scenes don’t have a whole lot of energy, feature too much slow motion, and/or are backed by corny Christmas tunes.  (The last ten minutes also relies too heavily on recycled footage.)

If you’re a fan of Debbie, it will be worth watching.  If you love Santa Claws, it’ll be an interesting companion piece.  Other than that, there’s enough nudity here to justify its existence, but it still somehow winds up being less than a sum of its parts.