AT THE EARTH’S CORE (1976) **

Here’s another Edgar Rice Burroughs adaptation from Amicus starring Doug McClure.  It proved to be the final production for the company.  They sure picked a goofy flick to go out on.

Scientist Peter Cushing invents a giant manned drill and asks McClure to accompany him on an expedition under the Earth’s crust.  The machine naturally goes out of control and hurls them off course.  They eventually find themselves in a strange land run by piggish humanoids that immediately put them into slavery.  It’s then up to McClure to escape and lead a slave uprising, all the while avoiding a litany of rubbery monsters.

The scenes with the monsters are pretty good too, even if the costumes are crappy.  They look like giant parrots, rhinos, and dinosaurs.  There’s also a killer plant attack and a scene where McClure has to fight a gladiator duel with something that looks like a mutant hippo.  The shots of the pterodactyls flying around are shoddy looking too.  At least it’s slightly more fun that The Land That Time Forgot.

Cushing minces around for most of his screen time, bumbling about and muttering to himself.  He’s pretty much wasted, but McClure makes for an OK, if square hero.  The cast member who fares best is Caroline Munro, who plays the sexy slave girl love interest.  She isn’t given a whole lot to do, except for stand around, and brother, when she stands around; she’s certainly easy on the eyes. 

WE OWN THE NIGHT (2007) ***

Director James Gray reteamed with the stars of The Yards, Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg for this gritty police drama that plays like a mash-up of Prince of the City, Goodfellas, and The Departed.  Phoenix is a sleazy nightclub owner who tries to distance himself from his family, all of whom are cops.  Since his club is a haven for drug dealers, his police captain father (Robert Duvall) wants him to keep the cops informed about what goes on there.  Phoenix, who is accustomed to his freewheeling lifestyle, refuses.  After his brother (Wahlberg) is ambushed and shot by a would-be assassin, Phoenix agrees to go undercover, inform on the dealers, and go into the witness protection program.  Eventually, he finally stops resisting and follows the family code and becomes a cop too.

We Own the Night is a solid drama filled to the brim with great performances.  It’s absorbing and entertaining, but it sometimes feels like Gray is trying to cram too many subplots into the film.  Some of the subplots work (like Phoenix’s strained relationship with a party girl played by Eva Mendes), while others feel rushed and inorganic (like Phoenix’s sudden ascension through the police ranks).  Adding to the rushed feeling is the awkward, easy-to-spot ADR that helps speed the plot along.

I’m not saying that this is a bad flick.  There are stretches here that really pack an emotional wallop.  It’s just that it feels really crammed for a two hour movie.  There’s probably a great two and a half hour version hiding in an editing bay somewhere. 

You all know me.  I mean, rarely do I wish a film was longer.  I just feel that with a little breathing room here and there that this could have been a classic.

AKA:  Undercover.

ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS: THE MOVIE (2016) *** ½

When I was a teenager, I would obsessively watch Comedy Central.  My favorite show was Mystery Science Theater 3000, but I also really enjoyed Absolutely Fabulous too.  With both series getting a recent revitalization, I decided to check out the big screen Ab Fab movie.  Usually whenever they do these updates, they come up short (especially when it’s been two decades since the show was on the air).  I’m glad to report that the ongoing adventures of Patsy (Joanna Lumley) and Edina (Jennifer Saunders) are just as funny (if not more so) as their cult TV show.

We find Edina desperately trying to make ends meet while still clinging to her lavish lifestyle of excess.  When an opportunity to do PR for Kate Moss (herself) arises, she decides to go for it.  Naturally, things go wrong.  Edina sees Kate at a party and accidentally winds up throwing her into the Thames.  Kate is presumed dead and Edina is blamed, so she and Patsy escape London and go to the South of France where they intend to marry a millionaire so they can live out the rest of their days in style.

Absolutely Fabulous:  The Movie is just the movie you would hope it to be.  Patsy and Edina, who I always felt were a female version of Raoul Duke and Dr. Gonzo, get into one outrageous situation after another, consume a lot of drugs and alcohol, and make the audience laugh.  The duo slip effortlessly back into their roles and chemistry and timing is as sharp as ever.  The endless celebrity cameos are often very funny too (I wouldn’t dream of spoiling the best ones).

This might not win over any new fans.  If you’ve never seen the show, you might be scratching your head most of the time.  However, if you’re a fan like me, this is one of the rare reunions that live up to expectations.  (And for the record, I’m loving the new season Mystery Science Theater 3000.)

AKA:  Just Awesome.

THE CHRISTMAS THAT ALMOST WASN’T (1966) **

Santa Claus (Alberto Rabagliati) is in a real pickle.  Mr. Prune (Rosanno Brazzi, who also directed), an unscrupulous millionaire, just bought his property up at the North Pole and is going to evict him on Christmas Eve if he can’t pay his rent.  Santa hires a lawyer named Sam Whipple (Paul Tripp) and together they try to find a way to save his workshop from foreclosure. 

You can probably already guess it involves teaching Mr. Prune the true meaning of Christmas. 

The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t is an Italian Christmas movie that at least has one clever modern conceit:  Even Santa Claus’ hands are tied when it comes to the courts.  The idea of Santa hiring a lawyer to help him retain the North Pole is a good one, but the actual execution leaves something to be desired.

I guess the problem is that Brazzi, who’s more known for his acting than directing (he only directed two more movies after this), just can’t make it all work.  The various musical numbers are flatly handled and a lot of the humor is way too broad and not very funny.  Brazzi himself mugs endlessly as the villainous Mr. Prune and doesn’t get any laughs in the process.

Still, as far as cheesy ‘60s Christmas movies go, you can do a heck of a lot worse.

TABOO 2 (1982) *** ½

 

After a quick recap of the events of the first movie, we find Kay Parker devastated to learn that her son, with whom she had an incestuous affair, is unable to continue the relationship.  He moves back with his father, leaving Kay all alone.  She winds up having a fling with one of her son’s classmates, played by Kevin James, and tells him all about how she seduced her son.  Since Kevin has a thing for his sister (Dorthy LeMay), it gives him the idea to make his feelings known to her.  Eventually, everyone in their household is screwing each other.

Taboo 2 is even better than its predecessor.  It’s filled with wall-to-wall sex, much more than what was found in the original.  Some of the scenes use your basic porno set-ups (like when James “returns some tools” to Parker), but there is much more of a concentration on the repercussions of incest in this one, which makes it more dramatically sound.  Not that drama is something that’s mandatory in a porno, but this is the rare XXX flick in which the plot dictates the sex and not the other way around.

LeMay is quite good in this.  Not only is she extremely sexy (she has a particularly hot scene with Eric Edwards, who plays her father), she gives a solid performance too.  I also dug the scene where she wears a T-shirt that has the word “CRACKS” on it for no apparent reason.  Kay Parker has a reduced role here, which may upset some fans of the original, but LeMay and James are so good that it more than makes up for it.  I mean James has so many scenes in this movie that I bet he was sore for a week or so after filming.

 

AKA:  Taboo 2… The Story Continues!

WIZARDS OF THE LOST KINGDOM 2 (1989) **

A fat old wizard (Mel Welles) joins up with a young boy to defeat three evil sorcerers and restore order to the kingdom.  They find a bartender who used to be a great warrior called “The Dark One” (David Carradine) to help them on their quest.  The Dark One kind of flakes out on our heroes for much of the second act, so they have to get a sexy warrior woman (Lana Clarkson) to lend them a helping hand.  Eventually, The Dark One returns just before the big climax to kick a little ass. 

Like the first film, Wizards of the Lost Kingdom 2 features lots of scenes from other Roger Corman movies.  This time, they steal footage from Warrior and the Sorceress (which also starred Carradine) and Barbarian Queen (which also starred Clarkson).  The swordfights and fight scenes are even sloppier this time around (if you can believe it) and the movie is curiously low on goofy monsters (although there is a decent werewolf vs. pig-man scene).

Director Charles B. Griffith, a veteran of many Corman movies, brings little of the humor he is known for to the film.  Since this is a sequel in name only, you’d think he’d go for broke and do something closer to his sensibilities.  Instead, he delivers a fairly ho-hum sword and sorcery epic.  Whenever he does ape the original, the results are often lackluster (like the young hero’s encounter with a sexy enchantress). 

The cast is fun to watch though.  Carradine looks half asleep (or drunk) most of the time, but even on auto-pilot, he manages to give the best performance in the movie.  Welles also has some fine moments as the portly wizard.  I also enjoyed seeing late Clarkson doing what she did best, although, unfortunately, her character disappears from the proceedings much too soon.  Likewise, the ever-reliable Sid Haig isn’t given a whole lot of screen time as one of the three evil sorcerers.

WIZARDS OF THE LOST KINGDOM (1985) **

A young wizard goes on the run after his father is killed by a rival sorcerer.  Naturally, he loses the magic ring, the only thing that can stop the villain, almost immediately.  He bumps into a wandering warrior, played by Bo Svenson, who agrees to help him find the ring and avenge his father’s death.

Roger Corman’s Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is a bottom of the barrel sword and sorcery epic that is very nearly saved by the parade of inept monsters that populate the film.  We have a Chewbacca-like sidekick that looks like a man with carpet remnants glued all over him, a dwarf in a shoddy ape suit, a sexy sorceress who turns into a giant bug, rubbery looking reptile men, a garden gnome who knows magic, zombie soldiers, monsters that look like hand puppets, a baby pterodactyl, a Cyclops (and its bride), and even a mermaid.  Although the monsters are laughable, they give the movie a charm that many other similar genre efforts lack. 

Too bad all the action and sorcery nonsense are pretty awful, even for the genre’s low standards.  Director Hector Olivera doesn’t bring the same panache he brought to Barbarian Queen.  It’s a shame too, because with a couple of decent swordfights, this might’ve been an alright movie.

The film is also heavily padded with footage from other Corman sword and sorcery sagas like Deathstalker and Sorceress.  They’re supposed to act as flashbacks, but you know you’re in trouble when the flashbacks are much more polished (and entertaining) than the actual movie itself.  Corman, ever the miser, also reuses parts of James Horner’s score from Battle Beyond the Stars, which again sounds better than all the other music in the flick.