THE NIGHT CALLER (1966) ***

John Saxon stars as an American scientist in England who tracks a strange meteorite to an unlikely crash site.  There’s no crater or point of impact.  It’s almost as if the damned thing just… landed.  Along with some fellow scientists, Saxon performs some experiments on it, which results in the death of his mentor (Maurice Denham).  John then teams up with a Scotland Yard inspector (Alfred Burke) to investigate the disappearance of some local girls that may be somehow connected with the meteorite.

The first half of The Night Caller is gripping stuff.  It was done on an obviously low budget, but the way director John (The Reptile) Gilling manages to milk the suspense from the bare minimum he was given is rather impressive.  Most directors would’ve been hard-pressed to create tension with nothing more than John Saxon, a glowing watermelon, and a rubber hand at their disposal.  Gilling rises to the challenge admirably.

This portion of the film hinges heavily on suggestion.  The monster is mostly kept in the shadows, with Saxon relying on secondhand accounts from potential victims for a description of the beast.  The moody lighting and stark black and white cinematography help to enhance the atmosphere.  Imagine if Val Lewton had directed a Val Guest movie.  If that isn’t enough to make you want to see it, nothing will.

In the second half, The Night Caller takes an odd, but amusing detour.  It’s such a dramatic turn that it almost feels like an entirely different movie in places.  It’s here where things become slightly more lurid as the alien lures unsuspecting bikini models to their doom.  This twist is unexpected and kind of corny, but it’s diverting enough.  (It almost seems like a Hammer remake of Mars Needs Women.)  

It’s only in the last ten minutes does it really fall apart.  That’s partly because the ending is so anticlimactic, but also because Saxon gets less and less to do as the film goes on.  We do get a fun turn by Aubrey (Tales from the Crypt Presents Bordello of Blood) Morris as the creepy bookstore owner in cahoots with the alien, and his hammy antics helps inject a little life into the uneven third act. 

AKA:  Blood Beast from Outer Space.  AKA:  Night Caller from Outer Space.

SANTA JAWS (2018) ** ½

A young comic book artist named Cody (Reid Miller) receives a magic pen for Christmas.  He uses it to draw his latest creation, Santa Jaws, and naturally, the shark (who of course wears a Santa hat) comes to life.  Before long, the shark begins eating his friends and family one by one.  It’s then up to Cody to save Christmas.

Santa Jaws could’ve easily been another dumb SyFy Channel Original, and well… it is.  However, it’s a little bit funnier than you’d expect.  There are enough clever and a few downright inspired moments here to make it worth a look.  Some of the funniest scenes come after the revelation that the shark can only be harmed by Christmas-themed weapons as it gets stabbed with a candy cane in its glowing eyes (which are red, like Rudolph’s nose).  

Let’s be real here.  Santa Jaws is still a SyFy Channel movie.  As such, for every legitimately funny bit, there’s at least one or two cheesy groan-inducing moments.  You also have to put up with a couple of useless subplots that get in the way of fun.  The most egregious being the scenes of the doofus comic book store owner using the pen to make himself a hot girlfriend and cool car.

I can’t help but think that Santa Jaws would’ve been a better fake trailer than an actual movie.  Still, I couldn’t help but chuckle when Santa Jaws grew a sharpened candy cane horn to impale its victims.  I mean the elf kill alone guaranteed it an extra Half-Star.  As far as revenge-themed Christmastime shark movies go, it’s better than Jaws the Revenge. 

AQUAMAN (2018) *** ½

Justice League was unfairly maligned, but it did offer a tantalizing glimpse of Jason Momoa as Aquaman.  Even if he was the fifth or sixth best thing about that film, and was saddled with some lame wisecracks, I was curious to see what this iteration of the character would look like if given his own adventure.  The secret of director James Wan’s success is that he treats the bizarreness of underwater Atlantean warfare seriously.  There’s no winking at the camera.  When someone rides a seahorse like an actual horse, it’s done in an offhand manner.  Like this shit happen all the time.  

The plot has Aquaman’s hothead half-brother King Orm (Patrick Wilson) going on a warpath to be named “Ocean Master”.  Once he holds the title, Orm can combine the armies of the seven seas to launch an attack on the surface dwellers.  Mera (Amber Heard) comes to dry land to plead with Aquaman to return to Atlantis and challenge Orm for the throne.  First, they must find a mythological trident, because whomever wields the trident, rules the sea.

Sounds silly, doesn’t it?  Wan, Momoa, and company don’t think so.  Sure, there’s some one-liners and quips along the way, but the threat of war is very real throughout the film.  Aquaman, like many reluctant heroes, uses humor to diffuse tense situations.  When the chips are down and the fate of the world (and ocean) are at stake, he’s all business.

Likewise, Wan is all business when it comes to doubling down on the wild, weird, mostly awesome visuals and action.  I mean where else are you going to see Dolph Lundgren as an underwater king?  Wan also gives us underwater dogfights, Atlantean gladiator battles, and sharks with fricking laser beams on their head.  It’s enough to make Dr. Evil weep tears of joy.

Aquaman takes inspiration from a wide array of sources.  It steals from The Phantom Menace, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Attack of the Crab Monsters, Humanoids from the Deep, Splash, and King Arthur.  With that kind of kitchen sink approach, it goes without saying that it’s going to be wildly uneven.  At 143 minutes, it’s overlong, kind of messy (the “B” plot of Black Manta’s quest for revenge is more involving that the whole duel for the throne storyline), and a bit waterlogged.  It’s also brimming with visual splendor, great performances, and tons of action.

Some may miss the innocent, square, and blonde version of Aquaman.  I can honestly say that I’m not a fan of the Sons of Anarchy look of this Aquaman.  That’s all surface though.  Beneath the tattoos and ratty beard lies a compelling character you can root for.  Momoa has loads of charisma and plenty of chemistry with Heard, which makes me genuinely intrigued to see what will happen in his next underwater adventure.

2018 Comic Book Scorecard:

Venom: ****
Ant-Man and the Wasp: ****
Teen Titans Go! To the Movies: ****
Avengers:  Infinity War: *** ½
Aquaman: *** ½
Black Panther: *** ½  
Deadpool 2: *** ½
Spider-Man:  Into the Spider-Verse: ***
Accident Man: ** ½ 

DC Extended Universe Scorecard:  

Batman v Superman:  Dawn of Justice: ****
Man of Steel: ****
Aquaman: *** ½
Wonder Woman: *** ½
Justice League: *** ½
Suicide Squad: ***

BUMBLEBEE (2018) ****

It’s amazing what can happen when you make a Transformers movie with: 1) Heart.  2) Characters who act like human beings and have meaningful relationships with one another. 3) Crisp fight choreography. 4) Legitimate badass fist-pumping moments. 5) Characters who don’t act like they’re in a Michael Bay movie. 6) An ‘80s setting.

Now, I haven’t seen Transformers:  The Last Knight yet, but I feel confident in stating that Bumblebee is the greatest Transformers movie ever made.  With Travis (Kubo and the Two Strings) Knight at the helm, Bumblebee captures the wonder and awe of the robots in disguise that was sorely lacking in the other Michael Bay-directed entries.  It’s a love letter to the ‘80s, the same era that gave birth to the Transformers.  It’s also a loving tribute to the films of Steven Spielberg (who once again serves as executive producer), most notably E.T. 

The action is great.  Heck, the first five minutes outclasses anything we’ve previously seen in a Transformers movie.  The Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robot battles pretty much gives you everything you’ve wanted to see from these films since the beginning.  Transformers get beaten up, tossed around, transform, and come back for more.  

Another thing I loved:  When Bumblebee transforms, you can actually see where all the moving parts go.  In the past movies, it just seemed like a rushed blur.  Either that, or a small truck would suddenly turn into a giant robot that looked like it would never occupy the same space.  Again, Knight nails something so deceptively simple, but it makes a big difference when you see it on screen.

The film is essentially a tale of a girl and her robot.  Bumblebee comes to Earth at the behest of Optimus Prime to establish a new Transformer base of operations.  Along the way, he meets the spunky Charlie (Hailee Steinfeld) who is still hurting from the loss of her father.  Together, they form a strong bond and work as a team to fight off the incoming army of Decepticons.  

Believe it or not, but it makes a difference when you have characters that act like real people in a Transformers movie.  Even the broadest characterizations are somewhat grounded in reality.  Sure, Steinfeld’s family seem like something out of an ‘80s sitcom, but they are far removed from the annoying cartoon family in the other movies. 

Steinfeld is terrific.  You really grow to feel for her as the film goes on.  There’s a real bond between her and Bumblebee and there are scenes between them that are genuinely touching.  Even the stuff with John Cena as a soldier trying to bring down the Transformers is well-rounded and multi-dimensional.  He also gets the best line of the movie when he tells his superior, “They’re called Decepticons. Isn’t that a red flag?”  

THE MULE (2018) ****

Clint Eastwood returns to the screen in fine fashion with this gripping tale of how a ninety-year-old horticulturist turns into a mule for the Mexican drug cartel.  It’s an unlikely (but true) story, but the way Eastwood’s assured direction allows the plot to unfold is spellbinding.  That, coupled with a terrific performance from Clint, makes for one of the best movies of the year.

Clint plays the character of Earl with a wry twinkle in his eye.  This isn’t the same squinty Clint we’re used to seeing.  Sure, Earl rattles off some decidedly un-PC language (as he did in Gran Torino), but his heart is in the right place.  I mean nobody decides to up and become a drug mule.  When he does so, it’s coming from a good place.  He’s spent decades putting work ahead of his family.  This is his way of making things right.  Besides, at ninety, he doesn’t have much time left and he needs the money fast.

The early scene of Earl in his element is key.  We see him at a flower convention receiving an award, flirting with old ladies, schmoozing with the competition, and throwing his money around.  We flash forward a dozen years later, when the flowers and money have all dried up.  He wants to find a way back into his family’s life.  He’s a cautious driver and never had a ticket in seventy-five years.  Why not run drugs for the cartel?  

After a few runs, Earl is rolling in the dough and makes the mistake of throwing his money around.  How much is he pulling in?  Well, when his local VFW has a grease fire in the kitchen, not only does Earl pay for the damages, he’s able to renovate the place AND get Mollie B. Polka to play at the grand re-opening!  We’re talking some serious cash here.

Earl is such a likeable guy that he immediately wins over the drug dealers.  He even asks about their family and tries to impart words of wisdom to them.  The big cheese (Andy Garcia) even invites him to his mansion for a big shindig where Earl has a threesome with two hot babes.  (Oh, it’s his second threesome of the movie by the way.  Drug mules apparently get a LOT of action; even if they are ninety.)  Heck, even when the goons rough Earl up, they sort of feel bad about it.  It’s just a testament to the sharp writing and Clint’s deft performance that Earl remains someone you root for, even if you don’t quite agree with his job description or what comes out of his mouth.

The supporting cast is superb.  There are no small parts or actors here.  Bradley Cooper is excellent as the DEA agent trying to take down the cartel, and Laurence Fishburne is equally fine as his stern, but supportive boss.  Cooper has a lot of fine moments with his partner, Michael Pena, who gets a few laughs and steals a couple of scenes along the way.  Dianne Wiest, Taissa Farmiga, and Alison Eastwood (playing who else?  Clint’s daughter) all do a great job as Earl’s long-suffering family.

The movie really belongs to Clint.  I was hoping Gran Torino would’ve been his last acting role because it served as a perfect summation of his acting career.  The Mule, like the title character himself, shows he’s still full of surprises.

TRUCKER’S WOMAN (1975) * ½

Mike Kelly (Michael Hawkins) is an honest hardworking trucker.  When Mike’s father, who is also a trucker, dies under mysterious circumstances, he begins doing some digging.  He also starts to organize the truckers, which makes his crooked boss nervous.  He gets Mike busted on phony charges, but with the help of a concerned detective, he sets out to solve his father’s murder and put a stop to the company’s illegal operations.

Oh, have you noticed how I haven’t even mentioned the trucker’s woman yet?  That’s because the bulk of Trucker’s Woman is devoted to a lot of boring trucker drama.  Hawkins spends most of his time butting heads with The Man and trying to stamp out corruption.  It’s not exactly the Good Ol’ Boy flick you would like it to be as the car chases are minimal and what action we do get is poorly staged.

I guess we should spend a LITTLE time talking about the trucker’s woman in Trucker’s Woman.  She’s played by Mary Cannon, who seems like an engaging enough actress.  At first, it looks like she’s going to be just another sexy blonde in a red sports car, but she proves to be more than a match for Hawkins.  Her best scene comes when she strands him in a parking lot nude.  Since Hawkins isn’t much of a hero, that makes Cannon by far the best performer in the movie.  Her scenes are the most memorable, even if her character arc is completely predictable.

Overall, there just aren’t enough exploitation thrills here to live up to the title.  We get a few sex and shower scenes, but not there’s not nearly enough skin to make up for the dreary, slow moving plot.  To make matters worse, Doodles Weaver provides the awful comic relief and drags down just about every scene he’s in.

AKA:  Truckin’ Man.

THE IRON DRAGON STRIKES BACK (1979) **

Bruce Li goes scuba diving with some friends and finds a cache of gold.  He suggests they leave it right where it is and not get involved.  One of his friends doesn’t heed his warning and takes it for himself.  He gets caught trying to fence the loot and a gang of Vietnamese villains soon follow in hot pursuit.  It’s then up to Bruce to settle the matter with his fists and feet.

The Iron Dragon Strikes Back was directed by Kuei Chih-Hung, who’s best known for his comedies (like Coward Bastard) and horror movies (like The Boxer’s Omen).  Usually, whenever he makes a more “typical” Kung Fu picture, the results are often uneven.  This is no exception.

The plot takes a while to gather momentum, but once it starts, the action is virtually non-stop.  Ordinarily that would be good news.  However, the fight scenes themselves leave something to be desired.  Most of them are lively.  Others border on chaotic.  I’ll admit, there are a handful of good moments here (like when Bruce does some fancy gymnastic work or when an actor uses a real weapon during filming).  It’s just that the repetitive nature of the fights soon become numbing.

There’s a nasty streak to the film that’s dark and weird enough to make it memorable.  I mean the scene where the bad guys grab Bruce’s buddy and literally hook his ass up to a car battery is a pure slice of Chih-Hung insanity.  However, that’s not quite enough to push this one into the win column.

AKA:  The Gold Connection.  

MOM AND DAD (2018) ****

Mom and Dad is basically Night of the Living Parents.  It seems like the start of an idyllic school day when without warning, parents around the globe snap and kill their kids.  It’s not one of those Biblical things, I don’t think.  It’s not one of those meteor showers deals either.  Or global warming.  It just happens.

I know every parent feels like strangling their kid, especially once they become a teenager, but this is ridiculous.

For Anne Winters and Zackary Arthur, that means trouble.  Why?  Because their mom and dad are played by Nicolas Cage and Selma Blair.  

People talked up Mandy all year saying how great it was, but this just blows it out of the water.  Cage, whether singing the hokey pokey or giving tweaked line readings of simple compound words like “motherfucker”, is badass.  This is truly one of his best performances in a long time. 

We all know how crazy Cage can get when he goes into a full-on Cage Rage (and he does so once again here), but Blair is the real revelation.  She firmly sheds her “good girl” image, first by playing it up like it’s a typical Blair performance and then getting down and twisted with it.  We’ve seen Cage go nuts before.  One of the many joys of the movie is that Blair keeps up with him and never misses a beat.

What makes their performances so great are the little flashbacks that hammer home the stress, frustration, and heartbreak that go into being a parent.  Cage and Blair were people once living their own lives.  Now, they’re just somebody’s parents.  Their children basically erased their identity and have dominated their very existence.  There’s a ring of painful truth to that.  When they go after their young, I can’t say we’re rooting for them, but we see where they’re coming from. 

Right from the ‘70s-style opening credits sequence, you know you’re in for something special.  Directed by Brian Taylor of Neveldine/Taylor (Crank) fame (who also directed Cage in Ghost Rider:  Spirit of Vengeance), Mom and Dad is one gloriously fucked-up movie.  It commits to its zany premise wholeheartedly, going the whole nine yards every step of the way.  The scenes of the kid-killing carnage sweeping the town are fun, but it’s even more effective once the gears shift and the film becomes a taut home invasion thriller in the end and a damn fine one.

Oh, and kudos to the person who dreamt up casting Lance Henriksen as Cage’s dad. 

In a crisis, one’s natural inclination is to get in touch with their parents to reassure them everything’s going to be okay.  Mom and Dad cleverly subverts that instinct and turns it into something truly harrowing.  Taylor takes the most heinous act imaginable and makes it all horrifying, hilarious, and dare I say, somewhat touching.  This is truly a special movie; one of the year’s best.

Oh, and bonus points for having Dr. Oz be the one to explain the plot. 

ANGEL OF VENGEANCE (1987) * ½

Tina (Jannina Poynter) goes to a cabin in the woods where she is harassed by the rapey Manny (Macka Foley).  Manny belongs to a group of trigger-happy survivalist nut bags who are stationed nearby.  These half-assed militants have a run-in with a biker gang, which leads to a shootout.  They then execute the remaining bikers and take the lone female captive.

I guess I should say a word or two about these bikers, so you can completely get the picture.  This gang isn’t the usual Harley-riding guys in leather jackets.  They’re just regular-looking bozos on dirt bikes.  That’s right, dirt bikes!  They even wear T-shirts with their gang name on them.  (“The Thrill Killers.”)  

Anyway, later, Manny goes back, catches Tina, and kidnaps her too.  He ties her up and the men have their way with her.  The survivalists eventually decide to turn her loose, but it’s merely a ploy.  They really want to hunt her in the woods. 

It’s here where the film turns into a half-assed hodgepodge of The Most Dangerous Game and First Blood.  The scenes of the survivalists tracking Tina through the woods are largely interminable, but there are a few highlights here.  The big moment comes when Tina shoves sticks into an assailant’s eyes, although really, it’s too little too late. 

Angel of Vengeance isn’t nearly as exploitative as it could’ve been.  During the rape scenes, director Ted V. (Astro-Zombies) Mikels fades to black before you see anything.  I guess he should be commended for his restraint, but aside from the aforementioned eyeball scene, there’s very little here that would jump out at exploitation movie fans. 

I guess Angel of Vengeance is more memorable for its behind the scenes drama.  Filming began with Ray Dennis (The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies) Steckler as director.  Three days into production, he was fired and replaced by Mikels.  That at least explains two things.  First, it explains why it has none of the oddball charm of most Mikels movies as he was essentially a gun for hire.  The second, it explains the T-shirts, which was clearly a nod to Steckler’s 1964 opus, The Thrill Killers.

AKA:  War Cat.  

THE VEIL (2016) **

Sarah (Lily Rabe) is the sole survivor of a Jonestown type mass suicide.  Years later, a filmmaker (Jessica Alba) convinces her to return to the abandoned compound with a film crew for a documentary.  There, they find lost footage of the deranged cult leader (Thomas Jane) using a serum to bring his followers back from the “veil” of death.  

Man, I didn’t know how much I needed Thomas Jane as a Jim Jones inspired cult leader in my life.  He’s positively magnetic and is almost as good as Powers Boothe was when he played the real Jones in Guyana Tragedy.  Unfortunately, we only see Jane in flashbacks preaching to his congregation and performing miracles.

Once the film crew arrives at the compound, things degenerate quickly.  The dynamite setup gives way to thoroughly generic scenes of people splitting up and being picked off one by one.  It also suffers from being way too dark.  The daytime scenes have a cool, washed-out, desaturated look that almost looks like a black and white movie.  These early sequences are atmospheric, but the bulk of the second half is bathed in so much darkness that a lot of the action is just plain hard to see. 

The Veil comes to us from the odd pairing of director Phil (Heaven’s Prisoners) Joanou and writer Robert Ben (Night at the Museum) Garant.  They do a good job at setting the mood, but the second and third act are mostly reserved for endless jump scares, dream sequences, and long scenes of people watching creepy videotapes.  The ending is crummy too.

Another problem is that the characters never rise above their potential victim status.  Even the usually engaging Alba seems pretty lost.  Rabe does what she can, but her predictable character arc doesn’t do her any favors.  

Jane is awesome though.  His scenes set the bar so high that the rest of the movie never had a chance to catch up.  With his crusty swagger, odd accent, and big ass sunglasses, he’s so charismatic that it’s easy to see why people would want to follow him to their death.  Hell, I followed him till the end of the movie, which is kind of the same thing. 

TOP FIGHTER (1995) ***

Top Fighter is one part Kung Fu documentary and one part chopsocky compilation clip show.  It begins with the history of martial arts in China as a monk from India brings over his unique form of Buddhist teachings, which lays the groundwork for the Shaolin Temple.  All of this is played out using clips from various Kung Fu flicks.  Hey, if you’re going to give a history lesson, you might as well show a bunch of guys getting their ass beat.

From there, the film turns its attention to Kung Fu movies.  Various martial arts screen legends are interviewed and/or profiled.  Gordon Liu talks about the challenge of accurately relating his Kung Fu knowledge to the screen.  Jet Li deals with enormous success and a rabid fan base.  Jimmy Wang Yu’s quick-fisted persona spills into his personal life. 

One of the longest segments is devoted to the impact of Bruce Lee.  Several of his students including Leo Fong and Joe Lewis are interviewed.  His untimely death is also discussed, which naturally slides into a segment on Bruce Li.  Li is very forthcoming and honest in his interview saying that producers gave him the name Bruce Li against his wishes.  (“I can act him, but I can’t be him!”)  Other imitators (like Larry Lee) are profiled, but honestly, I wish this segment was longer. 

Jackie Chan gets the most interview time.  He talks about his dedication to doing his own stunts and his past in Chinese opera school.  This is a perfect set-up to give his classmates and longtime friends Sammo Hung and Yuen Biao their own segments.

There are a lot of lesser known names who are brought up in passing.  Some of these guys I never heard of, but it was good seeing time spent on the likes of Casanova Wong and Hwang Jang Lee.  While I’m sure a few of the more obscure stars could’ve been edited out, there are still enough nuggets of knowledge dropped (like the revelation that John Liu beat Chuck Norris in a tournament) to make it worthwhile.

During the segment on Bolo Yeung, they show the trailer for Chinese Hercules in its entirety.  It’s really cool and makes you wish there were more trailers throughout.  Jean-Claude Van Damme’s former trainer is interviewed, and he shows lots of pics of JCVD as a kid.  We also see clips from No Retreat No Surrender and Monaco Forever, but it’s the behind the scenes footage from Universal Soldier that’s the most interesting.  The final segment focuses on Blaxploitation stars such as Ron Van Clief and Jim Kelly, but honestly, this section could’ve been a lot longer and more in-depth.

I guess I could complain about some aspects of Top Fighter.  It’s overlong, uneven, and they don’t always use the best clips for their featured star.  Still, there’s enough variety and insider info here to make it worth a look for Kung Fu fans.

MAY THE DEVIL TAKE YOU (2018) ** ½

A bankrupt man resorts to having a mystic do an incantation to reverse his fortunes.  The ritual is successful, but as time goes by the man becomes ill and falls into a coma.  After visiting him in the hospital, his family returns to his old, rundown house.  While cleaning up, they disturb a restless spirit which tries to possess and kill the family.

The specter sort of looks like something out of a Japanese horror movie.  Pale face, messy hair, the whole nine yards.  There are even scenes of characters being forced to eat hair and/or hair attacking people, which are big in those kinds of films.  Despite that, the ghost has a funky, unique vibe to it that helps separate it from other similar spirits we’ve seen.  

Writer/director Timo (The Night Comes for Us) Tjahjanto gives us a lot of Sam Raimi-inspired shots of possessed people floating, puking blood, and attacking loved ones in gory ways.  There’s even a book of creepy drawings just like the Necronomicon.  In fact, the beginning has a Drag Me to Hell feel to it, which makes me think May the Devil Take You would’ve never existed had it not been for Raimi's influence.

It’s sort of more fun picking out where Tjahjanto steals his inspirations from than anything.  I mean you’ve got to do something to help you get past the overlong running time and deliberate pacing.  The family drama stuff isn’t all that involving either and seeing how the whole thing hinges on their dislike and distrust of each other makes the various backstabbing (and frontstabbing) lose a little of its bite.  

There are just enough gruesome moments here to qualify it as a near miss.  The face-ripping gag alone is enough to earn the film an extra ½ *.  I just wish that some of the voodoo doll-centric kills weren’t so cartoony.

KISS OF THE TARANTULA (1976) ** ½

Susan (Suzanna Ling) is a little girl who dotes on her mortician father (Herman Wallner) and has an unnatural love of spiders.  When she overhears her spider-hating mother (Beverly Eddins) plotting to murder her father, she unleashes her killer tarantula on her.  Susan soon grows up and learns the best way to deal with people who mistreat her is to sick her killer pets on them.

Kiss of the Tarantula is a fitfully amusing, sporadically effective Willard knockoff.  It starts out in fine fashion as the scene of little Susan killing her mother is a lot of fun.  My favorite sequence though is when she gets revenge on the assholes who stomped on one of her spiders.  She follows them to a drive-in where she turns a bunch of tarantulas loose inside their car.  The best part is that the people die not from the spiders, but because they panic inside the car and wind up killing each other in various Final Destination-esque sorts of ways.

After that great sequence, it sort of goes downhill from there.  The subplot with Susan’s lecherous uncle (Eric Mason) covering up her crimes and blackmailing her is decidedly less successful than all the spider shenanigans.  His final comeuppance is certainly novel, although it feels like it came from an entirely different movie.  It’s also novel that Susan (spoiler) lives and gets off scot free (I guess they were hoping for a sequel), but the drawn-out (and spider-less) conclusion winds up feeling a tad anticlimactic.

One subplot that should’ve been beefed up:  Susan’s father’s career shift.  As the film goes on, he becomes more and more invested in a political career.  Not many people could go from mortician to politician and make it work.  

AKA:  Shudder.  

MISTRESS OF THE APES (1979) ** ½

Pictures of an ape man surface from a remote jungle.  Susan (Jenny Neumann from Stage Fright) goes along with the expedition hoping to find her lost scientist husband.  Little does she realize the assholes who run the expedition murdered her husband and are now trying to put their paws all over Susan.

At first glance, Mistress of the Apes looks like your standard jungle picture.  Let it marinate a while because it soon proves to be exactly the kind of oddball Larry (Creature of Destruction) Buchanan movie that I find so fascinating.  It begins with a really involved and detailed set-up chronicling Susan’s unfortunate miscarriage.  It feels gratuitous and in poor taste but stick with it.  You won’t believe how Buchanan pays it off.

Mistress of the Apes is a good vehicle for the lovely Jenny Neumann.  She has a strong screen presence, holds her own against the grubby male cast, and looks great during her various topless scenes.  Her best scene though comes after the only female ape woman is killed and she suckles the ape baby to gain the tribe’s trust. She even partakes in ape man sex and winds up getting pregnant to keep the bloodline going!  Insane. 

The supporting cast is solid too.  Stuart (Faster, Pussycat!  Kill!  Kill!) Lancaster is a hoot as a grizzled poacher with his sights on getting back at Neumann.  Vampirella herself Barbara Leigh also provides some eye candy as a member of the expedition who is targeted by Lancaster and his rapist cronies. 

The tone of this thing is all over the place.  In addition to the aforementioned miscarriage scene, there’s a nasty sequence in which Leigh is raped, tied up, and has the crotch cut out of her pants.  This is immediately followed by a montage of Neumann cavorting around with ape men and fellating a banana set to the tune of a hilarious song called “Ape Lady” by a band that sounds like a bad Dr. John rip-off.  (The title tune is almost as funny.)  What did you expect from a Larry Buchanan movie?

There’s one way Mistress of the Apes doesn’t feel like your typical Buchanan picture:  The special effects are surprisingly well done.  Then again, it shouldn’t be surprising once you learn they were done by Greg Cannom and a young Rob Bottin.  In fact, they probably look a little TOO good because they lack the goofy charm of the monsters from Buchanan’s other movies. 

SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE (2018) ***

Spider-Man:  Into the Spider-Verse is a feast for the eyes.  The vibrant animation is nothing short of dazzling.  The inventive use of color, comic book panels, and word bubbles makes the film feel like a living, breathing comic book.  Some sequences harken back to the days of ‘60s psychedelia, while others carry the flavor of pop art kitsch of the ‘70s.  

The trade-off is that the plot, characters, and action don’t quite measure up to the film’s ambitious style.  I guess that shouldn’t be surprising that the rest of the moving parts are busy playing catch-up with a movie that looks this great.  Still, it’s excusable, mostly because it’s so much fun.

Miles Morales (Shameik Moore) is a teenager who gets bitten by a radioactive spider.  Thanks to a cataclysmic event, there is a rift in the universe and his world is invaded by Spider-Men from various alternate realities.  Among them:  Peter B. Parker (Jake Johnson), a down and out, slightly older and overweight Spider-Man.  Spider-Man Noir (Nicolas Cage), a ‘40s style detective Spider-Man.  Spider-Gwen (Hailee Steinfeld), a girl power version of Spider-Man played by his original true love.  By far my favorite is Spider-Ham (John Mulaney), a cartoon pig who practically steals every scene he’s in. 

Despite the eye-popping visual style and the wonderful, colorful, and funny Spider-Man variations, the villains are woefully lackluster.  The design on some of them (especially Kingpin) are flat-out terrible.  The movie goes out of its way to stress that this takes place in an alternate universe, as if to let itself off the hook for some of its odd embellishments.  (The dragon-like Green Goblin is just plain stupid.)  However, I can’t help but think the film would’ve been better if it had one finely drawn (in both senses of the word) villain.

Another stumbling block is that Miles just isn’t as compelling a character as Peter Parker.  I mean when Peter got bit by the radioactive spider, it was during a trip to a science lab.  Miles gets bit while spray-painting graffiti.  It just doesn’t have the same pull.  I did however like the twist on the typical Uncle Ben character.

That’s sort of the point though.  Miles is in over his head and needs help from the other Spider-Persons (and Pigs) to save the day.  By the end of the movie, he’s ready for his own solo adventure, but getting there is sort of rocky.  

Spider-Man’s motto has always been, “With great power comes great responsibility”.  Miles’ motto is “Anyone can wear the mask.”  Again, it doesn’t have the same ring to it, but there’s enough of that old Spider-Man charm to go along with the new flavor to make it work.  It must be said, the whole “it takes a village” motif of the heroes banding together was played out much better in The LEGO Batman Movie.

Johnson makes for a great Spider-Man.  I can’t help but think he would’ve made a great live-action Spider-Man.  Same goes for Cage as the wily private eye Spidey inspired by Humphrey Bogart.  The movie really belongs to Mulaney.  Spider-Ham needs his own solo series like yesterday.  Also, be sure to stay after the credits because if THAT is where they’re going with the sequel, then we’re in store for something truly special in a few years’ time.  (I don’t want to spoil anything.  All I’ll say is THAT guy playing THAT guy is perfect casting.)

Speaking of casting, having Lily Tomlin play Aunt May was another sheer delight.  Why didn’t anyone think to cast her as Aunt May sooner?  She’s absolutely perfect and should’ve been playing the role since day one.

Oh yeah, and this is the first Marvel movie with a Stan Lee cameo after his passing and… yeah… it kinda got to me.

Spider-Ham gets the best line of the movie when he says, “I frolic.  I dance.  I do this in my pants!”

HEREDITARY (2018) *

Hereditary made a big splash at Sundance.  The buzz surrounding the film led to several rave reviews.  It even made a tidy sum at the box office.  Me being me came late to the party and just watched it one lazy evening on Netflix.  

I had purposefully stayed away from the previews.  I wanted to go into it as cold as possible.  All I knew is that Toni Collette had a fucked-up family and that’s about it.  I don’t know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t this.  

As it turns out, Hereditary is one of those movies where nothing happens for long stretches at a time.  Everyone speaks in whispers and the soundtrack drones on and on, lulling you into a zombie state of sleep. Then… WHAM!!!  There’s a big noise indicating some sort of alleged horror has occurred to wake you up.  You’re then forced to rewind and figure out what you missed, only to learn you really didn’t miss all that much. This happened to me at least twice during the first forty minutes of the film. 

Hereditary is also one of those movies where you think it’s almost over, but then you press the INFO button on your remote and are dismayed to learn there’s a whopping forty minutes left to go.  It moves at a fucking snail’s pace for over two goddamn hours while you wait for something… anything remotely scary or horrifying to happen.  The final reel, which features some of the dumbest shit this side of a Japanese horror flick, is a total joke.  Seriously, did this thing need to be 127 freaking minutes?  I think not.

I went into the movie cold.  Even though I pretty much hated it, I’ll spare you the plot rundown.  I won’t spoil what it’s about, or even what happens.  Then again, there’s not a whole lot to spoil because not a lot happens to begin with.

I can in good conscience say that Collette is quite amazing.  I wouldn’t be surprised if she got nominated for an Oscar as she is completely off the rails.  Whether chewing out her son at the dinner table or having a wicked case of sleepwalking, she takes things to 11. 

The problem is that no one else in the cast comes close to matching her.  Gabriel (End of Days) Byrne barely registers as her sad sack husband.  Alex Wolff and Milly Shapiro are both thoroughly irritating as her unlikeable children.  Then again, maybe that was on purpose.  I guess the filmmakers wanted the audience to hate them as much as Collette’s character does.

THE CHINESE STUNTMAN (1982) **

Bruce Li quits working at a karate school to sell insurance.  Meanwhile, a greedy movie producer plots to kill his biggest star and collect the insurance money.  Bruce’s crooked boss is in on the scheme and lures him into brokering the deal.  Bruce, unaware of the producer’s sinister intentions, goes along with it.  Bruce befriends the star, who is impressed by his karate background, and promptly hires him to be his stunt double.  Since the rest of the stunt team is in cahoots with the producer, they try to not only eliminate the leading man, but Bruce as well.

The insurance angle is certainly novel and assures that you probably won’t completely forget this one.  However, none of it really works.  I mean there’s a reason why insurance fraud isn’t a common plot point in chopsocky films.  The scenes of backstabbing intrigue on the movie set is equally inane.  Bruce does what he can, but the fluky plot and the lethargic pacing keeps The Chinese Stuntman from ever really cutting loose. 

There are a lot of film-within-a-film fights, but they don’t advance the plot, and ultimately mean very little in the long run.  Because of that, they act more like padding than anything else.  We do get a great scene where Bruce comes back to visit his friends at the karate school and they try to beat him up.  He attempts to diffuse the situation by saying, “Come on, guys!  Let’s talk about insurance!”  Yeah, because there’s nothing like a good insurance pitch to make trained fighters lower their defenses.  

The funniest scene though is the movie star’s lengthy love scene set to an instrumental version of “Hotel California”.  Unfortunately, this scene goes out of its way to make sure his partner doesn’t show her breasts, which is a tad frustrating.  Later, when there’s another chance for nudity, the actress’s boobs are completely blurred out!  What the hell?  

Another botched opportunity for WTF lunacy occurs near the end.  That’s when the Odd Job lookalike henchman shows up, complete with razor blade hat.  Not only that, he’s accompanied by a little person who acts as his Mini-Me sidekick.  Like most of the winning moments in The Chinese Stuntman, it’s nothing more than a little throwaway bit.

AKA:  The Chieh Boxing Master.  AKA:  Counter Attack.

OASIS: SUPERSONIC (2016) ****

I wasn’t really a fan of Oasis till I saw them on a triple bill with Spacehog and The Black Crowes.  From then on, I was sold.  Even before that, I was sort of mesmerized by the offstage antics of the brothers Gallagher.  Their volatile relationship almost always preceded the band, and the agitated pair’s interviews together were often hilarious and fun to watch.

Oasis:  Supersonic chronicles their rise as one of the greatest bands of the ‘90s.  An ordinary documentary would’ve been content to show the band’s rags to riches story through talking head interviews and performance material.  Lucky for fans of the band, and lovers of documentary cinema, this is anything but ordinary.

Instead, we get an amalgam of insightful, vastly personal home movies and electrifying concert footage.  Throughout, the band members are heard on the soundtrack in brutally honest and revealing interviews that act as a firsthand account and oral history of the band’s formation and rise to stardom.  The way the home videos and new audio is synched together gives the illusion that the band is coming together before your very eyes.  It’s like you’re a fly on the wall witnessing the birth of Oasis.  

You couldn’t have asked for a better script.  The brothers Noel and Liam Gallagher, who are at once explosive and confrontational, but also immensely loyal and supportive, grind out numerous gigs in relative obscurity.  One fateful night, they meet the head of England’s hottest label, who signs them on the spot.  In a matter of months, they take the world by storm, touring the globe, and selling millions of albums along the way.  Director Mat Whitecross blends all the footage and audio together in such a way that it makes it feel like you’re seeing it unfold as it happens, which is fascinating.  

Whitecross doesn’t shy away from the darker side of the band.  Their drug use, excess, temper, and propensity for fighting is not shied away from.  We see them acting cocky and brash, with attitude to spare in interviews.  We see some of the various personnel changes, and a bit of Liam’s habit of walking off the stage in the middle of gigs, but Whitecross chooses not to portray the band’s ultimate downfall.  Instead, he ends the movie when the band is at their zenith, playing a massive concert for a quarter of a million people.  

Maybe it’s better that way.  Many lesser movies would’ve been happy to trot out the sordid details of the band’s demise.  Lesser documentaries would want to assign blame for the implosion of the band.  To pick apart what exactly went wrong.  Not only does Oasis:  Supersonic choose to end on a high note; it makes you feel like you were a part of something.  In short, this is one of the best documentaries I’ve seen in a long time.

Noel gets the best line of the movie when he says, “I want the severed head of Phil Collins in my fridge by the end of the decade!”

AKA:  Supersonic.

1313: COUGAR CULT (2012) **

I never turn down a chance to see the three greatest Scream Queens of all time, Linnea Quigley, Michelle Bauer, and Brinke Stevens in a movie together.  The fact that it’s from David DeCoteau, the director of their iconic Nightmare Sisters certainly doesn’t hurt.  Having just sat through DeCoteau’s jaw-dropping Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper I figured I’d give this a shot.

Quigley, Bauer, and Stevens star as a trio of witches who turn into literal cougars.  They lure three college boys to their mansion under pretense of giving them jobs as live-in servants.  Really, they want to use the boys as sacrifices in their black magic rituals.

Like Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper, there are a lot of scenes of shirtless guys.  Unlike that film, the scenes where they flop around on the bed while dreaming, massage each other, hose themselves off poolside, and of course, take showers, are vital to the plot.  You see, the cougars must constantly keep an eye on them because they must perform occult rituals over the boys’ bare chests and… oh... who am I kidding?  It’s all as gratuitous as ever.

1313:  Cougar Cult starts out promising enough, but it all goes downhill pretty quickly.  The endless shots of the shirtless guys, which was so over the top and fun in Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper, just feels repetitive here as DeCoteau fails to give them a unique vibe.  Because of that, the seventy-three-minute running time feels a lot longer. 

I also wish the trio of leading ladies had more to do.  It’s great to see them, and they all look smoking hot, but it’s far from the best use of their talents.  Having them speak in “scary” voices for much of the final act certainly didn’t help. 

The most memorable thing about 1313:  Cougar Cult was the hilarious effects.  (I hesitate to use the term “special”.)  When Linnea, Michelle, and Brinke turn into cougars, it’s nothing more than a picture of a cougar pasted over their face!  Seriously, it looks like an Instagram filter or maybe an emoji sticker.  It’s truly pathetic, but also quite funny.

I also wish the jokes were funnier.  As it is, the cougar effects are easily the funniest thing about it.  Still, there was at least one dialogue exchange that was good for a laugh:

Shirtless Guy #1:  “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!”

Shirtless Guy #2:  “Gift horses don’t eat people!” 

BIGFOOT VS. D.B. COOPER (2014) ** ½

David DeCoteau’s Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper offers us one of the oddest, obscure pairings of on-screen adversaries in cinema history.  I mean everyone knows and loves Bigfoot, but will anyone under fifty even remember who D.B. Cooper was?  Something tells me today’s audiences would have a better idea who D.B. Sweeney is. 

Anyway, the movie begins with an eleven-minute pre-title scene of our hero Bernie (Jordan Rodriguez) walking shirtless through the woods.  In real time.  DeCoteau’s attention to detail in this scene is almost Warholian as we see every blessed step of his journey.  There’s no payoff or anything.  It’s just an excuse for DeCoteau to show off Rodriguez’s chiseled abs.

This is almost immediately followed up by a nine-minute scene of two other shirtless guys jogging.  After their jog, they change clothes.  That is to say, they change their shorts.  I don’t even think they bothered to pack a shirt.

Hot off the heels of that perplexing scene there are not one, not two, not three, but FOUR consecutive scenes where guys strip down to their underwear and pose with guns in front of a mirror.  Oh, and did I mention Bigfoot has been voyeuristically watching them the whole time?  This movie is amazing. 

If you’re wondering what D.B. Cooper has to do with all this, fear not.  The narrator, Bernie’s present-day self, tells us all the sordid details of Cooper’s daring mid-air heist in between the scenes of guys walking around in their underwear.  Oh, I guess I should tell you the narrator is played by none other than Eric Roberts.  I have a sneaking suspicion that Roberts’ narration was taken during the same recording session as the one for DeCoteau’s A Talking Cat.  That is to say, DeCoteau just recorded a phone conversation he had with Roberts and put it into a movie.

Did I mention the characters have all congregated in the woods for a pre-wedding turkey shoot?  That is supposed to explain why the guys walk around in their underwear holding rifles.  It does not explain why supposedly seasoned hunters would venture out into the woods with their guns ready to hunt and not wear camouflage, let alone a shirt.

Seriously, the shirt budget for this movie was virtually nonexistent.  

There’s more.  A lot more.  There’s a long shower scene where a guy spends a long time washing one specific part of his anatomy.  There’s a scene where a guy goes looking for another guy and says, “Morgan…” about 128 times in a span of eight minutes.  There are shots that alternate from day to night in the same scene, just like an Ed Wood movie. 

Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper is not a good movie in a traditional sense.  Like at all.  However, I must give DeCoteau credit.  He shamelessly projected his cinematic obsessions onto the screen and committed to it like few others have ever dared.  Say what you will about it, but it’s all his.  Only DeCoteau could make it, which is the sign of a true auteur. 

There is barely seven minutes of plot in the seventy-six-minute running time.  You also have to wait until the seventy-minute mark to finally see the confrontation between the two titular characters.  Some may feel cheated because of that.  Then again, the revelation that Bigfoot’s mythology operates on werewolf logic is almost worth the wait.  

One thing I try not to call directors out on is self-indulgence.  I mean why make a movie unless you can indulge yourself?  This might be the most self-indulgent movie of all time.  Never before has someone’s cinematic fetishes been so brazenly displayed for the world to see.  You have to admire that level of confidence.  

Alfred Hitchcock had his blondes.  Russ Meyer had his impossibly busty women.  David DeCoteau has guys with rock-hard six packs in boxer briefs.

Let’s face it.  Women in these movies have been crassly objectified for years.  It’s about time the guys were too.  

I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is quite possibly the greatest gay bigfoot voyeur movie of all time.  

If we are judging Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper on the merits of what conventional pundits consider to be “good”, it would be a One Star movie, if not lower.  If, however, we are judging it as a director working at the height of his powers, shamelessly giving in to his desires and putting it all out there for the world to see, it’s a Four Star deal, easily.  So, we’ll split the difference and call it ** ½.  

Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper exists in a realm where Star Ratings don’t exist.  It must be experienced to be believed.  I don’t know if I can quite call it “The Next Plan 9” or anything, but it’s certainly one of the most unforgettable cult movies I’ve seen in recent memory.