MISSION: KILLFAST (1991) * ½

Mission:  Killfast is a low budget action flick from writer/director Ted V. (Blood Orgy of the She-Devils) Mikels.  It has all his worst tendencies, namely too many characters and too much plot.  It’s sadly missing the main ingredient that makes his films so enjoyable:  An endearing sense of fun.

The plot is a confusing mess.  It involves stolen nuclear devices, a hero (Tiger Yang) who's a karate teacher that uses his students as his own personal army, bad guys that use a third-rate Playboy mansion as a front, gangsters, militants, and God knows what else.  I guess we can blame the general sense of incoherence to the fact that Ted (who has a small role as a soldier) started filming the movie in 1980 and it took him over a decade to finish production and finally edit (or should we say cobble) it all together.  (That also explains why some of the fashions go from dated to REALLY dated throughout the film.)

Mission:  Killfast is basically just like every other low budget DTV action flick from the ‘90s.  It’s a clumsy mix of Kung Fu, military action, and spy genres.  Occasionally it comes to life when Mikels concentrates on the Kung Fu action, but it’s mostly an overlong bore.  (Try to stay awake through the dull scenes of government briefings, bad guy plotting, and spy shit that wouldn’t have cut it on an episode of Charlie’s Angels.)  There are some goofy moments here (like when Yang takes time off his mission to be the grand marshal of a parade) and a little bit of nudity too (girls hanging by the pool, sex scenes, and photo shoots), but not enough of either to really make a difference.

Yang is a so-so hero.  He can’t act his way out of a paper bag, but he knows how to throw a Ninja Star into a guy’s eye and blow up helicopters.  In fact, a lot of helicopters blow up in this, but they’re mostly poorly rendered explosions over stock footage.  Oh, and there are a lot of mullets too.  

Say what you will about Mission:  Killfast (and I’ve probably said too much as it is), it does contain some things I never thought I’d see in a movie.  I’m thinking specifically of the assassination of a model during a photo shoot.  For that bit of nuttiness alone, it can’t get any lower than * ½.