CHINA SALESMAN (2018) ½ *

Mike Tyson is slowly carving out quite a movie career for himself.  After his funny cameo as himself in The Hangover, he went on to have memorable roles in action flicks like Ip Man 3 and Kickboxer:  Retaliation.  His appearances were the highlights of both of those films, and based on those performances alone, I was genuinely curious to see when and where he’d pop up next.  When I heard he was going to fight Steven Seagal in China Salesman, I knew I had to see it.  I just wasn’t prepared for… this.

Admittedly, China Salesman has a great set-up.  Say what you will about it, it doesn’t make you wait long to see the fight between Seagal and Tyson.  Five minutes in, Seagal offers him a drink at his bar.  When Tyson refuses, he sends some muscle-bound dudes to force Iron Mike to drink a mug of piss.  After mopping the floor with them, he then fights Seagal.

I have seen some shitty fight scenes in a Steven Seagal movie in my time, but this might be the worst.  Okay, maybe not the WORST.  It’s certainly the biggest disappointment in terms of squandered potential.  

It looks from the ham-fisted editing that Seagal and Tyson weren’t even on set at the same time during filming of the fight scene.  The use of odd and obvious CGI in simple camera set-ups (it looks like there’s a blur in between them at times) is painfully apparent, as is the flagrant use of stunt doubles for both men.  The funniest moment is when Seagal gets punched and it looks like a CGI flinch has been added in post-production.  We do get one great bit where Tyson punches a barrel that explodes on contact, but that is the only legitimately cool moment.  

Anyway, Seagal is an arms dealer who owns a bar in Uganda.  If you’re wondering what Seagal showed up to the party, it’s Yellow-Tinted Sunglasses, Goatee, and Scarf Seagal.  Tyson is a Ugandan militant.  When he tries to do a Ugandan accent, the results offer one of the few laughs of the entire movie.  (“We must avenge them BLLLUUUUDD for BLLLUUUUDD!”)

If this was a Casablanca type of movie with Seagal as Bogey owning a café in a war-torn stretch of land with Tyson acting as his ersatz Claude Rains, it would’ve been okay.  However, the title of this movie is China Salesman and if you haven’t already guessed, neither of them are salesmen, nor are they Chinese.  

No, the main thrust of the story revolves around a Chinese salesman (Dong-xue Li) trying to establish a tech contract for 3G cellphone towers in Uganda.  Of course, there are other nations who don’t want the Chinese to win the contract and will stop at nothing to prevent the salesman from doing his job (even causing civil war).  The first half involves a lot of industrial espionage (including Tyson hiding in the shadows taking pictures), board meetings, and construction site management.  The second half, in which the salesman becomes the hero of the Uganda revolution is even worse.  

The moment when the movie resorts to LITERAL flag waving, I pretty much gave up on it.  The problem was, at that point, there was still an hour left to go.

Whenever Tyson and Seagal are on screen together, the movie at least has an irresistibly cheesy vibe.  Too bad they’re barely in it.  In fact, if you turn it off right after their opening brawl, you’ll be a lot better off.

AKA:  Chinese Salesman.  AKA:  Deadly Contract.  AKA:  Tribal Warfare.