1313: COUGAR CULT (2012) **

I never turn down a chance to see the three greatest Scream Queens of all time, Linnea Quigley, Michelle Bauer, and Brinke Stevens in a movie together.  The fact that it’s from David DeCoteau, the director of their iconic Nightmare Sisters certainly doesn’t hurt.  Having just sat through DeCoteau’s jaw-dropping Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper I figured I’d give this a shot.

Quigley, Bauer, and Stevens star as a trio of witches who turn into literal cougars.  They lure three college boys to their mansion under pretense of giving them jobs as live-in servants.  Really, they want to use the boys as sacrifices in their black magic rituals.

Like Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper, there are a lot of scenes of shirtless guys.  Unlike that film, the scenes where they flop around on the bed while dreaming, massage each other, hose themselves off poolside, and of course, take showers, are vital to the plot.  You see, the cougars must constantly keep an eye on them because they must perform occult rituals over the boys’ bare chests and… oh... who am I kidding?  It’s all as gratuitous as ever.

1313:  Cougar Cult starts out promising enough, but it all goes downhill pretty quickly.  The endless shots of the shirtless guys, which was so over the top and fun in Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper, just feels repetitive here as DeCoteau fails to give them a unique vibe.  Because of that, the seventy-three-minute running time feels a lot longer. 

I also wish the trio of leading ladies had more to do.  It’s great to see them, and they all look smoking hot, but it’s far from the best use of their talents.  Having them speak in “scary” voices for much of the final act certainly didn’t help. 

The most memorable thing about 1313:  Cougar Cult was the hilarious effects.  (I hesitate to use the term “special”.)  When Linnea, Michelle, and Brinke turn into cougars, it’s nothing more than a picture of a cougar pasted over their face!  Seriously, it looks like an Instagram filter or maybe an emoji sticker.  It’s truly pathetic, but also quite funny.

I also wish the jokes were funnier.  As it is, the cougar effects are easily the funniest thing about it.  Still, there was at least one dialogue exchange that was good for a laugh:

Shirtless Guy #1:  “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!”

Shirtless Guy #2:  “Gift horses don’t eat people!”