HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: FIRESTARTER (2022) ***

In my review for The Black Phone, I mentioned that child abuse is kind of like last taboo in horror films.  I guess I was wrong.  Animal cruelty is probably the next-to-last.  This unnecessary but surprisingly effective remake of Stephen King’s Firestarter manages to combine the two in a scene of appalling repugnance that you just have to tip your hat to director Keith Thomas for Going There.

In it, the pyrokinetic kid Charlie (Ryan Kiera Armstrong) is learning to harness her flamethrowing superpowers when she happens upon an alley cat.  She goes to pet the seemingly friendly feline when the cat scratches her.  Since the kid only uses her powers while under mental duress, she lashes out at the cat and cooks that thing alive.  But here’s the kicker:  The thing ain’t dead.  The half-burned/half-fluffy kitty-witty is still mewling while its crispy catty-watty body is a smoldering mass of burnt flesh and orangy-worngy cuteness.  Since her dad, (Zac Efron) is trying to teach her how to control her gifts, he tells her she has to finish what she starts, so she nukes the poor scruffy-wuffy-itty-bitty-kitty-snookums.  

I bet this scene even made Stephen King say, “GODDAMN.  Get Sarah McLaughlin on the phone.”

I know Efron is probably trying to shed his clean-cut High School Musical image, and thanks to his participation in this rank-ass scene, I would say, “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!”

Yes, this scene is mean, nasty, and crude, but you definitely won’t find shit like this in that Drew Barrymore flick.  

John Carpenter did the music, which is interesting because he at one point was going to direct the 1984 version.  That didn’t pan out, but I guess providing the score to this nasty piece of work was an OK consolation prize.  I can imagine he didn’t want to do it at first, but then the filmmakers probably showed him the cat scene and he was like, “Shit, where do I sign on?”

I’m not going to lie.  While Firestarter won’t wind up on anybody’s “Best Of” lists of Stephen King adaptations or find its way onto any “Year End Top Ten” countdowns, it remains a better-than-expected remake.  I guess that had something to do with my expectations being in the toilet, but still.  Even without the showstopping cat scene, by the time Charlie was torching government agents in a Day-Glo lit secret facility while Carpenter’s tech-noir music was thumping and bumping, I had to admit, I was having a good time.

Then again, what do I know?  I liked The Dark Tower.

Gloria Reuben, who plays the head of “The Shop” gets the best line of the movie when she says, “She’s been brainfucked from birth!”  

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE BLACK PHONE (2022) *** ½

Child abduction/abuse is probably the last taboo in horror films.  If you’re going to make a movie about this already icky issue, you might want to tread lightly.  With The Black Phone, director Scott (Doctor Strange) Derrickson does a pretty good job navigating the subject matter, all things considered, and along the way delivers a damned fine supernatural suspense story.

A small suburb is rocked by a series of kidnappings by a skeevy killer the locals have dubbed “The Grabber” (Ethan Hawke).  This masked maniac snatches up a young boy named Finn (Mason Thames) and keeps him locked in a dank basement with only a broken phone to keep him company.  Eventually, Finn discovers he can use the phone to talk to the Grabber’s past victims, who help him devise an escape plan.  

The supernatural aspects don’t really come into play until the second half, and work surprisingly well, given the fact that the first half is so grounded in reality.  The film is based on a short story by Joe Hill (the son of Stephen King), and like many of his old man’s stories, there’s a subplot about a psychic (in this case, the kid’s sister, played by Madeleine McGraw, who is excellent).  Even this supernatural touch is handled better than expected and doesn’t detract from the immediacy and urgency of Finn’s desperate situation.  

It also helps that Ethan Hawke underplays the menace of the Grabber.  What makes it work so well is that we don’t see very much of him, so when he does appear, it leaves an impression.  Even when he is on screen, he wears his mask about 98% of the time, which keeps up the air of mystery of the character.  Derrickson wisely leaves a lot of the general unpleasantness of his past victims up to the imagination, and stages a heck of a finale when Finn faces down his captor for the last time.  

The Black Phone is a low key and effective chiller.  It’s much better than Derrickson and Hawke’s previous collaboration, the overrated Sinister.  This is one horror flick that will definitely grab you and won’t let go.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: TERRIFIER 2 (2022) **

Terrifier 2 was given a limited theatrical release over the Halloween season and became an unexpected box office hit.  Unfortunately, I didn’t get a chance to see it in theaters.  Thanks to Halloween Hangover, I get to play catch-up.  

Of course, I had heard all about the reports of theater patrons fainting and puking in the aisles, which is always a good sign.  I’m glad to say the gore is easily the best thing about the movie.  The gore alone isn’t quite enough to salvage the film, however.  Even though Terrifier 2 has some unexpected moments and weirdly veers off into uncharted territory for a slasher, its crippling overlength prevents it from really cooking.  

Art the Clown (David Howard Thornton) is out to slaughter more unsuspecting victims on Halloween.  A potentially disturbed kid named Jonathan (Elliott Fullam) sees him, but naturally no one believes him.  His sister, Sienna (Lauren LaVera) just may be the only one with the power to stop Art’s reign of terror.  

Let’s get this out of the way first:  There was no reason for this to be 138 minutes.  Too many scenes just go on for way too long.  Writer/director Damien Leone (who also made the first movie) was probably so enamored with the individual scenes that he didn’t want to lose anything.  I’m sure taken on their own accord, these scenes worked as their own self-contained vignettes.  However, once they were all strung together, it should’ve been apparent that not everything should’ve been kept in the final cut.  At all times, it feels like you’re watching an assembly cut of all the footage that was shot.  I’m sure the editor could’ve easily snipped a minute here and a minute there in the name of expediency.  

Slashers work best with a ninety minute runtime (or shorter).  Anything over that, I feel the director has to justify the excess running time.  At one point, I hit the “DISPLAY” button on my remote, fully expecting there’d be only ten more minutes left.  Much to my shock, there was still a half hour to go.  

That’s because Leone has something… different up his sleeve.  I won’t spoil what it is.  All I’ll say is that you either go with it or you don’t.

I didn’t.

Fortunately, Leone’s overindulgences extend over into the gore scenes, which are some of the most over the top blood and gut sequences I’ve seen outside of a Troma film.  Grisly murder set pieces include a decapitation, skull crushing, and dick trauma.  One particularly ghoulish scene involves Art slashing a woman’s eyeball, scalping her, and tearing off one of her limbs.  Then it gets REAL nasty.  Scenes like this make Herschell Gordon Lewis look like Walt Disney in comparison.  If only Leone had been a bit more judicious with the editing, this might’ve been a minor classic.  

Thornton is excellent as Art.  He could’ve been a silent movie actor as he milks the mime routine for all its worth.  Thornton’s performance is the reason Art is about the closest thing we have to another Freddy or Jason these days.  I can’t wait to see him in another installment soon.  I just hope the next one will be a bit more streamlined than this one.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: A WOMAN LIKE THAT (1979) ***

I’ve seen a few Turkish rip-offs of Hollywood hits in my time, but this is one that I never knew existed.  Unlike the Turkish rip-offs I’ve watched, this Turkish version of I Spit on Your Grave doesn’t steal footage or music from its inspiration.  (Although it uses Muzak versions of songs like “Something Stupid”, “Penny Lane”, and “My Bonnie”.)  In fact, the set-up is entirely different.  

Four skeevy guys run out of gas and go to an old man’s house for help.  They get one look at his daughter (Zerrin Dogen) and decide to rape her.  After killing her father, they hit the road.  When she discovers his body, she swears revenge and sets out to seduce and murder the men one by one.    

The flick clocks in at less than an hour, so it’s a full forty minutes shorter than Grave.  Unlike the American version, this one wastes no time getting to the depravity.  Ten minutes into the movie and our heroine has already been repeatedly abused and defiled.  It’s not nearly as effective as its American counterpart, but it’s not entirely without merit either.  (The scene where she contemplates suicide before settling upon a course of revenge is pretty good too… unnecessary zooms aside.)  A Woman Like That also has the distinction of being the first Turkish adult film (according to IMDb), and the consensual sex scenes elsewhere in the film are crude, and not exactly sexy, but I guess it’s not bad for a first try.

The revenge scenes are likewise crude.  However, that’s kind of what makes it work.  Sure, it pales in comparison to the original, but taken on its own accord, it kinda works.  In fact, the more you distance it from I Spit on Your Grave, the better it plays.

Even with the abbreviated running time, there’s a lot of stuff going on, plot wise.  Much of it that has nothing to do with I Spit on Your Grave.  The subplot with a police detective investigating the murders is unnecessary, but it’s handled economically enough, all things considered.  

Dogen is surprisingly good.  I particularly liked the scene where she transforms herself from a homely farmgirl into a sexy avenging angel by going out and buying new clothes and getting her hair and nails done.  The way she reverts back to her peasant look to (literally) stick it to her main tormentor was a nice touch too.  I also liked the way director Naki Yurter framed the scenes of the newly empowered Dogen in the second half of the film.  Some of the angles where she’s towering over the camera have a Russ Meyer feel to them.

Overall, A Woman Like That is a solid Rape n’ Revenge picture.  If you never knew it was a Turkish version of I Spit on Your Grave, you might not have even caught the connection.  I watched it on Thanksgiving, and it certainly was no turkey. 

AKA:  Turkish I Spit on Your Grave.  AKA:  She is Such a Woman.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: TERROR TRAIN (2022) **

The original 1980 Terror Train was a novel slasher in two ways.  The first was its location, a passenger train, which helped set it apart from its contemporaries (most of which took place in either small towns or summer camps).  The second difference was unlike most slashers, the killer wore more than just one mask (he stole the masks from each of his victims and impersonated them to lure the next one).  The first remake, 2008’s Train was novel in that the setting was changed to Europe.  It also upped the gore considerably, which is always appreciated.  

Now, here comes the third iteration, Terror Train, and it’s a fairly close remake to the original.  There’s even a magician on the train!  However, this guy is no David Copperfield.  (Then again, who could be?)  I guess the big difference this time out is that the conductor is a woman.  (Mary Walsh, who looks like Judi Dench’s stunt double.)  She isn’t bad, but I did miss Ben Johnson from the original.  The new leading lady, Robyn Alomar, is no Jamie Lee Curtis either (but you already knew that).  Heck, she isn’t even Thora Birch.

Things start off OK with a solid Fraternity Prank Goes Wrong scene.  Then, we flash forward to a Halloween Party thrown by the fraternity aboard the titular train.  A killer boards the loco locomotive and before long, he’s picking off the people who perpetrated the prank one by one.  

I was kind of hopeful for this one since it was a Tubi original.  I’ve never seen a Tubi original before, but Tubi has long been my favorite streaming service because it’s free and it features some of the weirdest, dumbest movies I’ve ever seen.  Sadly, Terror Train is thoroughly generic and by-the-numbers in just about every way.  The kills are fairly bloody, sure, but they lack imagination.  (They’re mostly assorted stabbings, slashings, and at least one decent decapitated head.)  Ultimately, it’s a rather pointless remake, and the changes/concessions to the modern era (characters must learn hazing and sexism are bad) are halfhearted at best.  You’ll probably head for the sleeping car long before this train pulls into the station.

Incredibly enough, a sequel has been announced… and it’s coming out before the end of the year?!?!

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: SMILE (2022) ****

Smile had a great viral marketing campaign where they had several people sit in the stands of baseball games and smile unblinkingly into the camera inning after inning.  That was cool, but it wasn’t quite enough to get me into the theater to see it.  When it was released, it became the rarest thing in horror:  An original horror film with no big movie stars that became a word of mouth hit, grossing over $100 million at the box office.  Even as the positive word of mouth was spreading, I still somehow never found time to check it out.  Now, I’m home for the holidays, it’s on Paramount+, and I no longer have an excuse.  Even with little to no expectations and knowing very little about it, Smile knocked me on my ass.  Unlike Barbarian, this is one horror flick that lives up to the hype.  

An overworked shrink named Rose (Sosie Bacon) is horrified when her patient commits suicide right in front of her.  The worse thing about it?  The demented smile that remained on her face the whole time she performed the deed.  Now, Rose keeps seeing weird, smiling people everywhere she goes.  After doing some Encyclopedia Brown-style investigation, she discovers a pattern:  Anyone who comes into contact with a sinister, smiling suicide victim will themselves commit suicide seven days later.  Will Rose be able to break the curse, or is she doomed to perpetuate it?

It would be flippant to shrug Smile off as “It Follows Meets The Ring”.  Yes, the bare bones of that scenario is there.  However, this flick sets out and accomplishes what it intends to do a hundred times better than those two overpraised movies did.

Smile is a slow burner, but somehow writer/director Parker Finn (making one heck of a debut) cracked the code of how to make a slow burn horror flick that manages to keep the tension simmering, while at the same time carefully doling out jump scares, gross-out moments, and gnarly set pieces at expertly timed intervals, so that the audience’s patience is never once tested.  In fact, these sequences (chief among them, the birthday party from hell) add to the allure and mystery of the premise.  

A lot of that has to do with Bacon’s performance.  She runs the gamut from caring doctor to raving lunatic with about a hundred different shades in between.  The film wouldn’t be as effective as it is if we didn’t believe the terror she was experiencing, and brother, we buy it hook, line, and sinker.

I joke about every horror movie these days being about “trauma”.  Smile is the first one to say, “Yup, that’s what this one is all about:  TRAUMA.  Bold, underlined, italicized trauma.”  What’s interesting and effective about the film is the way the supernatural menace assaults its victims much like, say, PTSD.  They go around having a fairly good day without a care in the world until the entity (trauma) comes tumbling down on them like a ton of bricks, making them on edge, unable to cope, and pushing themselves away from their loved ones.  

The wildest part is the ending (Vaguest of Spoilers Ahead, but it’s hard not to discuss the thing that makes the film so great), in which our heroine finally confronts the monster (trauma) head-on.  And I don’t mean “wild” as in it’s crazy or weird.  I mean “wild” as in I’ll be damned if I didn’t get a little choked up.  We all have a little trauma inside us all.  Smile foregoes a fiery, balls-to-the-walls conclusion befitting a great horror movie, and instead gives its heroine an opportunity to confront, reconcile, and move on from her past trauma (monster)… Of course, then it continues onto a fiery, balls-to-the-walls conclusion befitting a great horror movie.

Smile sure left this horror fan grinning from ear to ear.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: TRAILERS #1: HORROR AND SCI-FI OF THE ‘50S AND ‘60S (1992) ***

Here’s the first installment (of many) in Something Weird’s trailer compilation series.  It’s a good primer for anyone looking to get into trailer tapes.  Many of the previews wound up on later Something Weird releases (and elsewhere), but there are still plenty here I had never seen before (including She Devil, The Night the World Exploded, and a re-release trailer for the 1943 Batman serial).  Overall, it’s a fast and fun two hours of black and white thrills and chills.  (Well, the trailer for Eyes of Hell is tinted.)  

Things kick off with a couple of ‘50s re-release trailers of horror classics including a cool MGM Triple Feature of Mark of the Vampire, The Mask of Fu Manchu, and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, as well as a trailer for One Body Too Many.  The low budget sci-fi schlock world of director W. Lee Wilder is showcased through previews for Phantom from Space, Killers from Space, and The Man Without a Body.  Roger Corman classics such as Not of This Earth, The Viking Women and the Sea Serpent, and Teenage Caveman are featured as well.  Universal Pictures is represented by Tarantula, Monster on the Campus, and Curse of the Undead.  And movies that appeared on episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 such as Terror from the Year 5000, The Beast of Yucca Flats (narrated by director Coleman Francis), and 12 to the Moon also turn up.

Some of my favorite trailers include Daughter of Dr. Jekyll (in which Mr. Hyde is a… vampire?!?!), Allison Hayes overacting to the hilt in The Disembodied, and Tabonga the killer tree doing his thing in the ad for From Hell It Came.  And what would a trailer be without a great tagline?  Some of the best belong to Attack of the Puppet People (“SEE—A Baby Doll Take a Bubble Bath in a Coffee Can!”), The Brain Eaters (“It’s an Adventure That Will Burst Your Blood Vessels with Suspense!”), Return of the Fly (“The Thriller-Chiller That Will Really BUG You!”), Beyond the Time Barrier (“Will YOU Die Sixty-Four Years from Today?”), Strait-Jacket (“Warning:  Strait-Jacket Vividly Depicts Axe Murders!”), and Cat Girl (“To Caress Me is to Play with DEATH!”).

All in all, this is a solid collection.  Since the trailers are culled from the ‘50s and ‘60s, they are a tad tame.  That said, fans of cheesy space exploration movies, mad scientist flicks, and monster mashes will surely enjoy it.  

The complete trailer line-up is as follows:  MGM Triple Horror Feature - Mark of the Vampire / The Mask of Fu Manchu / Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, One Body Too Many, Phantom from Space, Killers from Space, Tarantula, Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, Not of This Earth, Voodoo Woman, Daughter of Dr. Jekyll, The Viking Women and the Sea Serpent, The Astounding She-Monster, The Haunted Strangler, The Colossus of New York, I Bury the Living, Frankenstein 1970, Attack of the Puppet People, War of the Colossal Beast, Teenage Caveman, Monster on the Campus, The Brain Eaters, The Screaming Skull, The Man Without a Body, Curse of the Undead, Jack the Ripper, The Alligator People, Return of the Fly, Ghost of Dragstrip Hollow, Missile to the Moon, The Leech Woman, Beyond the Time Barrier, The Terror of the Tongs, The Beast of Yucca Flats, Homicidal, The Creature from the Haunted Sea, Phantom Planet, Burn, Witch, Burn, Panic in Year Zero, The Vampire and the Ballerina, Varan the Unbelievable, Night Tide, The Playgirls and the Vampire, Strait-Jacket, The Last Man on Earth, Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte, the 1943 Batman Serial, Untamed Women, She Devil, The Night the World Exploded, Unknown Terror. The Disembodied, From Hell It Came, Cat Girl, Macabre, War of the Satellites, Terror in the Haunted House, Terror from the Year 5000, Monster from Green Hell, The Headless Ghost, Caltiki, the Immortal Monster, 12 to the Moon, Doctor Blood's Coffin, The Devil's Partner, Mr. Sardonicus, Eyes of Hell (AKA:  The Mask), and The Innocents.

CENTERFOLD FEVER (1981) ** ½

R. Bolla stars as the editor of a dirty magazine (called “Skin”) who wants his centerfold girls to be different from the models found in other smut rags.  (“Just having a pussy isn’t enough anymore!”)  When he hires his girls, they not only have to pose nude, but must write stories for the mag as well.  Kandi (Kandi Barbour) has to interview Marc “Mr. 10 ½” Stevens to see if he still lives up to his measurement, Heather (Tiffany Clark) tries to get a scoop on the latest centerfold and winds up balling her, and Suzanne (Samantha Fox) goes undercover to investigate a porn theater which gives new meaning to the term “audience participation”.

It all ends with a big porn magazine party where there are various floorshows.  (Veri Knotty ties her pussy lips together, a dominatrix makes her slave lick her ass, and Stevens and a porn starlet make like a XXX version of Bobby and Cissy and do a dance and fuck number.)  Afterwards, there’s an orgy and Annie Sprinkle performs a “Bosom Ballet”.  With a finale packed to the gills with this kind of action, it’s easy enough to overlook some of the film’s flaws in the early going, but overall, it’ not quite hot enough to make it entirely recommended.

The premise is thin, and the pacing is herky-jerky, but it does get better as it goes along.  The sex scenes don’t get very hot until the end.  Until then, they’re mostly standard issue, as they are shot in static fashion, and with little in the way of chemistry between the performers.  

The cast is kind of funny too, which helps.  Ron Jeremy does his usual shtick (juggling, sucking his own dick, doing impressions, etc.) as a horny photographer called “The Maniac”.  R. Bolla gets all the best lines as the editor.  When Fox sucks his dick to get a job, he muses, “I liked her credentials, so I hired her”.  My favorite line occurred when he was surrounded by a bunch of big-breasted starlets, and he quipped, “As Bob Hope would say, ‘Thanks for the mammaries!”  Although his performance is good for a chuckle or two, it’s not quite enough to sustain your interest throughout the entire running time.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: CRIMES OF THE FUTURE (2022) ****

In the future, people start developing weird organs and shit, which starts to blur the line between what is and isn’t considered “human”.  Viggo Mortensen and Lea Seydoux are a team of performance artists who dutifully tattoo and register their newly acquired organs at Kristen Stewart’s office for “National Organ Registry”.  Oh, and by “performance artists”, I don’t mean they don clown make-up and recite slam poetry or shit like that.  I mean Viggo hops into his fleshy-pod while Lea performs a robo-autopsy on him WHILE HE’S STILL ALIVE as audience members gawk and salivate like extras from Café Flesh.  You know, because “SURGERY IS THE NEW SEX!”

Crimes of the Future is probably the David Cronenbergiest David Cronenberg has ever David Cronenberged.  After decades of making serious grown-up movies, The Man is back with a vengeance.  It’s like all those years making mainstream films caused all his cinematic excesses and fetishes to bottleneck and when he finally uncorked that sucker, it went nuclear.  Last week, in my review of Jean Rollin’s Dracula’s Fiancée, I wrote, “It has the confidence of a genre director in his twilight years gleefully indulging us with his cinematic fetishes one more time.  I respect that kind of shit.”  I could’ve easily been talking about David Cronenberg and Crimes of the Future.  

It's got all his weird little touches.  Growths, tumors, people being attached to machines that look like growths and tumors.  It’s also chockfull of Cronenbergian dialogue containing unending pseudoscientific gobbledygook and he never for a second stops to explain any of it.  As a lifelong fan of the man, I respect that kind of shit.

You know you’re in for something special right from the opening scene where a kid eats a trashcan.  His mother knows, once shit like that starts happening, there’s only one option:  Suffocate that little bugger in his sleep.  I mean, first it’s trashcans.  Then sofas.  Next thing you know, they eat you out of house and home.  Literally.  

I also love how at one art show, the guy who sews a bunch of ears to his face and body is kind of looked down upon as a poseur because, after all, “the ears don’t work”.  It may be the dystopian future, but we still must demand high standards from our artists.  Goddamned, I love this movie.

There’s an intriguing question that is proposed about halfway through:  Is Viggo just another mutant who’s popping out strange new organs, or is the “artist” willing these tumors into existence for the sake of art?  Cronenberg is basically saying that art isn’t just some intangible thing that you pull out of thin air, but a living, organic part of the artist themselves that must be surgically removed and displayed.  This point is further conveyed when someone asks Viggo if he’s working on anything new and he muses, “I don’t have a choice”.  

Mortensen is excellent, grunting, grumbling and grousing, but with a playful twinkle in his eye the whole time.  Seydoux is great too, but it’s Kristen Stewart who steals the movie by acting exactly like Chloe Sevigny hopped up on Spanish Fly.  In fact, this might be her horniest performance yet.  That on its own accord makes Crimes of the Future highly recommended.

It’s also full of great lines like, “I found her attractive… in a bureaucratic kind of way”, “There’s no crime like the present”, “Watching you filled me with the desire to cut my face open”, and “I’m sorry.  I’m not very good at the old sex”.  I never thought anything would surpass Videodrome’s mantra of “Long Live the New Flesh”, but “Surgery is the New Sex” comes awful close.  

In short, Crimes of the Future is a goddamned masterpiece.  I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it after I saw it, and I already want to watch it again.  It gets under your skin and demands to be reckoned with, just like a Cronenbergian tumor.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: MR. HARRIGAN’S PHONE (2022) ** ½

When his eyes begin to fail him, reclusive billionaire Mr. Harrigan (Donald Sutherland) hires a young boy named Craig (Jaeden Martell) to read to him.  As the years go on, the two develop a strong friendship.  One day, Craig decides to bring Mr. Harrigan into the 21^st century and gives him a cellphone, which, much to his surprise, he takes to like a duck to water.  Eventually, Mr. Harrigan passes away, and at the funeral, Craig places his phone inside the casket.  Before long, Craig begins receiving ominous, indecipherable texts from his dead friend.

Written and directed by John Lee (The Little Things) Hancock, this adaptation of a Stephen King novella has echoes of Apt Pupil (older man bonding with a young boy) and just about every King story in which a kid uses supernatural powers to get back at his bullies.  (Martell himself is no stranger to King adaptations after starring in It Chapter 1 and 2.)  It exists in that middle ground of King films that aren’t scary enough to work as horror and aren't involving enough to function as a strong drama.  That said, the performances are solid, and Hancock handles the admittedly thin premise with enough panache to keep you watching, even if the whole thing feels more like an overlong Tales from the Darkside episode than a Netflix Original.  And like most Netflix Originals, it runs on about fifteen to twenty minutes too long. 

Mr. Harrigan’s Phone never really makes any major missteps, but it doesn’t exactly knock it out of the park either.  It’s probably most effective during the scenes where Martell gets butt dialed from beyond the grave.  The subplot where he uses the phone as an instrument of revenge is kind of neat too.  Despite being a little on the tame side, it remains a solid, disposable, little film that works more often than not. 

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: BARBARIAN (2022) **

I’ve always been iffy on the whole Airbnb thing.  Like, why would you stay in a stranger’s house when you could spend the night at a perfectly reasonable hotel?  Who knows what kind of maniac could live there?  Same with rideshare apps.  How are you supposed to know the person who’s picking you up isn’t a complete lunatic?  I haven’t done either of those things and I have made it this far in life without getting slaughtered.  Then again, if people in horror movies made smart decisions, they wouldn’t be in a horror movie.  

Barbarian tells the story of Tess (Georgina Campbell) who rents an Airbnb online, only to discover it’s ocupado.  Since the guy who’s renting it already (Bill Skarsgard) seems nice enough, she accepts his invitation to share the house with him for the night.  Tess slowly lets down her guard until…

People have been very good about not letting the secrets of Barbarian slip, so I will return the favor and refuse to go any further describing the plot.  I will say writer/director Zach Cregger does a good job setting up the characters and scenario.  It’s only in the second half when he pulls a Death Proof on us and starts to follow a new main character (Justin Long) does it begin to stumble.  Once we finally learn the big secret of what’s inside the house, I had already grown tired of being jerked around so much.  By that point I was nearly mentally checking out of the film, so the big reveal just didn’t make much of an impact on me.  

Lots of people had talked Barbarian up, so I guess my expectations were a bit too high.  To me, it really wasn’t as freaky as some were suggesting.  Again, I won’t spoil it, so I’ll tread lightly.  I’ll just say that… well… OK… it seemed like a pretty sweet deal to me, especially if you had a certain fetish that I won’t mention… again… due to spoilers.  I mean, c’mon, I’ve seen hundreds of worse fates in horror movies than the one that befell our hero here.

So, I guess it’s all relative.  I didn’t find the finale as shocking as many horror fans obviously did.  I won’t make a big deal about it though.  No use crying over spilled milk.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: QUEEN OF BLOOD (1966) *** ½

In the future (1990), Earth receives a signal that they are not alone in the universe.  As the aliens make their way towards the planet, they wind up crash landing on Mars.  Scientist Basil Rathbone dutifully sends a rescue ship to greet them, and after they crash, astronaut John Saxon leads a mission to save the guys who tried to save the guys.  Saxon and his crew eventually pick up the stranded extraterrestrial traveler and are stunned to discover she is a total babe (Florence Marly).  The only problem?  She’s a space vampire.

Written and directed by Curtis (Ruby) Harrington, Queen of Blood is anchored by a terrific cast.  Rathbone played his share of scientists at this stage in his career, but for my money, this is one of his greatest late-era performances.  John Saxon is equally fine as he possesses a shade more human qualities than your typical space age square jaw type hero.  It’s also fun seeing a young, clean-cut Dennis Hopper (who also starred in Harrington’s Night Tide) as an astronaut.  He’s especially good in his scenes where he openly flirts with Marly (who is excellent in a silent role).  Look fast, and you’ll also spot Famous Monsters of Filmland creator Forrest J. Ackerman in a small role.

The special effects (which were taken from a Russian film, Dream Come True) are all over the place, but that’s what gives Queen of Blood its charm.  One scene you ask yourself, “How did they do that?” and then in the next, you quip, “My kid could do that!”  Some sequences use kickballs and paper Mache for planets and others utilize some damned fine rocket models.  Sometimes inconsistencies like that can be distracting, but here, it keeps you watching because you can’t wait to see what the heck kind of effects you’ll see next.

This would make a great double feature with Mario Bava’s Planet of the Vampires, which came out the previous year.  Not only do both of them combine ‘50s Space Movie tropes with vampires, but they also have bright, poppy cinematography.  Bava’s film might be a little more polished than Queen of Blood, but I would give this one the edge based on the cast alone.

It may start off a little slow, but Queen of Blood definitely delivers.  Once Marly boards the ship, Harrington piles shock after shock and continues to do so as the film enters the homestretch.  The shots of the alien bloodsucker stalking the corridors of the ship are quite atmospheric, the close-ups of her glowing eyes are effective, and Harrington wraps things up with one heck of a final shot.  All in all, this horror/sci-fi hybrid is an out of this world experience.

Harrington and Rathbone also collaborated on another Russian paste-up feature, Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet, the previous year.

AKA:  Planet of Blood.  AKA:  Planet of Terror.  AKA:  The Green Woman.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE CURSE OF KING TUT’S TOMB (1980) *

What would Halloween Hangover be without a crappy Made for TV horror flick?  

Archaeologist Howard Carter (Robin Ellis) discovers King Tut’s tomb and its untold riches.  Shortly thereafter, people associated with the dig wind up dead.  Everyone seems to think the tomb is cursed, but Carter refuses to believe in such nonsense, even when the corpses begin to pile up.

The Curse of King Tut’s Tomb feels like a mummy movie without a mummy.  Not that a mummy could’ve saved this boring mess, but it would’ve given us SOMETHING to hang our hat on.  As it is, it’s chock to the gills with a bunch of scenes of stuffy British people digging in the desert, hanging out in tombs, and becoming victim to a series of “accidents”.  Since it’s a TV flick, it’s all tame and lame.  There’s a scorpion attack, death by snake bite, and even a killer mosquito!  Others die by suffocation and plane crash.  You might die of boredom.  All this is weak as shit, but there is at least one unintentionally hilarious freeze frame of a dog’s reaction to its master’s death.  

Eva Marie Saint is top billed as a reporter who becomes sort of a half-assed love interest for Ellis late in the game.  She’s obviously supposed to be playing a character much younger than herself, but she feels like someone’s grandmother that inexplicably arrived in Egypt.  Ellis is a total dullard and makes for an awful “hero”.  Doctor Who’s Tom Baker also shows up for a bit as his shady assistant with hidden motives, and Paul Scholfield provides the narration that adds absolutely nothing to the proceedings.

The scariest thing about the whole deal is the sight of Raymond Burr in brownface and wearing a turban as Ellis’ chief rival who wants to get his hands on King Tut’s treasure.  His scenes all boil down to grimly warning and/or subtly bribing officials about Ellis.  One or two of these scenes would’ve sufficed, but we get like eight or nine of them, further adding to the tedium.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: BLOOD MOON (2015) ** ½

Colorado, 1887.  A werewolf stalks a dilapidated ghost town whenever there is a blood moon.  A stagecoach stops to rest their horses and its passengers are taken prisoner by a duo of bank robbers hiding out in the town.  When the moon glistens blood red, a Native American “skinwalker” begins to take out the passengers one by one.  

I’m a sucker for western horror movies.  Most of the time, these things center around vampires, so it’s somewhat refreshing to find one about a werewolf in the Wild West.  Low budget westerns nowadays are a tricky thing to pull off, but director Jeremy Wooding does a fine job for the most part.  I think the most surprising thing about Blood Moon is the fact that it was able to sustain my interest for as long as it did even though the monster was kept off screen for much of the running time.  It is a testament to the actors (mainly, Shaun Dooley as the grizzled gunfighter, Anna Skellern as a sexy saloon owner, and Eleanor Matsuura as a Navajo guide) who are able to keep you invested in the drama during the werewolf-free passages.  

Unfortunately, once the werewolf shows up, things kind of fall apart.  While Wooding is adept at setting up the tension in the early stages, the third act when our heroes finally duke it out with the werewolf is sorely lacking punch.  Although the werewolf itself isn’t awful or anything (it’s certainly better than something you’d see in a Howling sequel) and the gore effects are surprisingly solid, the attack scenes in the last ten minutes or so fall flat,.  The final showdown with the beast is anticlimactic at best, and things are wrapped up way too quickly in the end.  Still, all things considered, it’s probably the best werewolf western I’ve seen in a long time.

HALLOWEN HANGOVER: SHUTTER (2008) ** ½

With original horror films being all the rage nowadays, it’s fun to look back at a time (not so long ago) when remakes ruled the scene.  Specifically, remakes of Asian horror flicks.  In 2008, no less than three Asian horror remakes flooded theaters:  The Eye, One Missed Call, and Shutter.  Even though I have more or less a distain for the subgenre, I probably liked all of them a little more than the general consensus.  (I certainly liked them more than the originals.)

Like many remakes of Asian horror films, Shutter is a rather watered-down PG-13 deal.  (Oddly enough, the original Shutter was a Thai film, but this American remake is set in Japan, I guess to ride the coattails of The Ring, The Grudge, and the like.)  Most of the scares come from blurry pictures, CGI-enhanced snippets of body horror, and split-second jump scares.  As far as these things go, it falls well short of being “effective”, but it is definitely more watchable than the rest of its ilk.  

Joshua Jackson stars as a photographer who just got married to the lovely Rachael Taylor.  His job moves him to Japan, and while driving, Taylor hits (or thinks she hits) a woman on the road.  Once they get settled into their new digs, the couple’s bliss doesn’t last for very long.  It seems every time either of them takes a picture, the specter of the woman appears.  Is she seeking revenge on Taylor?  Or does she have other plans?

Well, let’s just say I figured out the twist about five minutes into the flick.  Despite that, the performances by Jackson and (especially) Taylor keep you invested, even when the plot is spinning its wheels.  While most of the horror is your generic, run-of-the-mill PG-13 stuff, there is at least one solid sequence where the ghost tries to make Sexy Fun Time with Jackson.  One can only imagine how far this could’ve gone with an R rating, but this scene is memorable enough to give Shutter an edge over most Asian horror remakes of the ‘00s.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: LOST IN NEW YORK (1989) * ½

Three years before Kevin McAllister pulled the same stunt, a bunch of babes get lost in New York and wander around in this befuddlingly bad, cobbled together TV movie by horror maestro Jean Rollin.  

An old blind woman reminisces about when she was little.  She meets another girl, and together, they read a storybook and imagine themselves disappearing into the stories.  The stories mostly involve women in white masks being transported to various locations around New York City.  They could be the little girls from the prologue-within-a-prologue, but then again, they might not as we are told these scenes happened either before or after that.  (“OR NOW!”)  Segments include two women getting into a knife fight on a rooftop, a vampire babe biting an unsuspecting broad (the only real horror-related sequence in the entire film), and a lady doing a sexy dance.

Yes, this is a mess.  Watching it immediately after Dracula’s Fiancée, it certainly felt like a big comedown.  It’s only fifty-two minutes long, but it feels much longer thanks to the incoherent plotting and editing.  At all times, it just feels like an unfinished movie that was slapped together and released anyway.  I think Rollin was hoping to pass the fractured plot off as another one of his dreamlike features.  However, the visuals are just not compelling enough to tie everything together.  He's going to have to do a lot better than a bunch of babes hanging out on the beach wearing masks to make this work. 

I did like the funny scene early on where the little girls compare their adventures with a long list of classic movies like King Kong and Eyes Without a Face before tossing in a bunch of Jean Rollin films in there.  Sadly, you’ll be wishing you were watching any of the films the girls mentioned as they are all much better than this crap.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: DRACULA’S FIANCEE (2002) ****

I read a few reviews claiming that Dracula’s Fiancée was a lesser Jean Rollin film.  Ten minutes into the movie, we get a scene where a naked vampire chick stalks a foggy graveyard and bites a circus dwarf on the neck.  Now, I ask you:  How can any film containing a scene such as this be considered a “lesser” work of ANY filmmaker? 

Anyway, an old vampire hunter and his young assistant are on the trail of Count Dracula.  After hassling the dwarf in the cemetery, they go and bug the “village idiot” of a nearby town.  This village is pretty great because this gal is without a doubt the hottest village idiot in screen history.  (She even flashes the vampire hunter.)  I don’t know what the exact coordinates of this village was, but I am halfway tempted to book an Airbnb there this weekend.  

So, the vampire hunter and his manservant head on over to this convent where a bunch of nuns are looking after Dracula’s Fiancée.  Since she is Dracula’s Fiancée after all, her sexual powers have turned the nuns into horny, pipe-smoking basket cases.  Admittedly, this might be one of the film’s weaker sections, but it does contain what I believe to be the only filmed instance of a nun using belly dancing to ward off evil, so it is extremely vital, if only because it contains such a cinematic milestone.

After that, the dwarf, the vampire babe, and an “ogress” (who despite the name is a hot babe that walks around with her boob hanging out) take Dracula’s Fiancée to meet the “She-Wolf, The Mistress of Ceremonies” who is played by none other than Brigitte Lahaie!  To kick off the nuptials, one of Dracula’s henchmen takes out a nun’s heart… using a goddamned HAMMER.  A hammer!

Just doing a quick mental round-up of some of the Rollin movies I’ve seen—

Rape of the Vampire?

Requiem for a Vampire?

Shiver of the Vampires?

Night of the Hunted?

The Iron Rose?

Living Dead Girl?

The Grapes of Death?

FUCKING ZOMBIE LAKE?!?

Fly Me the French Way?

GUESS WHAT?  NONE OF THESE MOVIES HAVE A SCENE WHERE SOMEONE’S HEART GETS TAKEN OUT WITH A GODDAMNED HAMMER!

But it gets better.  A little while later, the nun wakes up, grabs her heart off the ground, stumbles around for a bit, and then LITERALLY KISSES HER HEART GOODBYE, and throws it on a burning pyre.

“Lesser” my ass.

Yes, Dracula’s Fiancée comes complete with all the stuff you’d expect from a Jean Rollin flick.  Namely, pale vampire chicks, abandoned castles, and pale vampire chicks wandering around abandoned castles.  However, what makes it even more impressive is the fact that even though he made it in 2002, it still looks and feels like a lost relic from his ‘70s heyday.  Incredible.  

In fact, I may be inclined to say that this is actually… my… favorite Rollin film?  Sure, it’s missing the poetic dreamlike lyricism of Requiem for a Vampire and the gut-punch ferocity of Night of the Hunted.  What it does have is the confidence of a genre director in his twilight years gleefully indulging us with his cinematic fetishes one more time.  I respect that kind of shit.  

Another thing that’s cool about this movie is its episodic nature.  You never know just who the heck is going to show up and add to the gaggle of already memorable characters.  In fact, it almost doesn’t seem like a big deal that Dracula doesn’t even arrive on the scene until the film’s halfway over.  If anything, he seems a bit lame next to the cast of characters that are running around elsewhere in the flick.  In fact, he spends most of his time imprisoned in a grandfather clock.  I’m not sure whether that’s supposed to mean Dracula is a timeless figure or that time is up for conventional cinematic creatures.  All I know is that if someone asks you if you want to watch Dracula’s Fiancée, your response should be “I DO!”

AKA:  Fiancée of Dracula.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #31: DEAD DUDES IN THE HOUSE (1989) **

(Streamed via Popcornflix)

A group of guys and their girlfriends buy a dilapidated house and try to renovate it.  When the asshole of the group kicks over the tombstone in the front yard, it awakens the ghost of an old woman who committed murder in the house decades before.  Whenever she kills one of the carpenters, they turn into killer wisecracking zombies who attack their friends and turn them into more… dead dudes in the house.  

Troma released this low budget horror flick and gave it a silly title.  Even though it wasn’t one of their in-house productions, the humor and gore is fairly consistent with their usual sensibilities.  The special effects, gore, and make-up (all handled by Ed French) are better than you might expect.  Hands are hacked off, people are skewered, and in the standout sequence, a guy is cut in half by a window.  

The granny killer (played by a guy in convincing old age make-up) is reasonably effective too.  She has a couple of memorable moments when she randomly appears and/or lurks just behind the heroes.  Too bad her hot daughter (who is also an evil ghost) doesn’t get nearly enough screen time.

Although Dead Dudes in the House certainly has its moments, much of the running time is an endurance test of the audience’s patience.  I mean half the fucking movie is devoted to never ending scenes of characters trying (and failing) to open doors.  Just when that becomes too much to bear, they take to trying (and failing) to open windows.  (You know, for variety’s sake.)  Seriously, if you played a drinking game and took a shot every time someone couldn’t open a door, you yourself would be a dead dude (or dudette) in the house at about the twenty-minute mark.  It also doesn’t help that too many of the characters are obnoxious and that the finale drags on for an eternity.  

AKA:  The House on Tombstone Hill.  AKA:  The Dead Come Home.  AKA:  The Road.

Well, folks, that will do it for this year’s 31 Movies of Horror-Ween festivities.  Stick around as there are plenty more horror reviews to come as Halloween Hangover will continue until the end of November.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #30: LORD SHANGO (1975) ***

(Streamed via Night Flight)

Lord Shango is a voodoo-themed horror-drama that was released in the midst of the ‘70s Blaxploitation craze.  Unlike many of those films, it doesn’t feel like it’s capitalizing on a thriving subgenre.  Instead, it’s an effective chiller in which the characters just so happen to be black.  

Femi (Bill Overton) is a voodoo practitioner who tries to prevent his girlfriend Billie (Avis McCarther) from being baptized in a river.  The congregation gets a little rough with Femi and he accidentally drowns when they try to “convert” him.  Things go from bad to worse when Billie’s stepfather Memphis (Wally Taylor) rapes her, causing her to leave town.  Her furious mother (Marlene Clark) then turns to a voodoo priest (Maurice Woods) to see that justice is done.  

Marlene Clark is excellent as her performance requires her to run a gamut of emotions.  She’s particularly engaging in her scenes with Lawrence Cook, who plays the town drunk, who just may know a little more than he lets on.  McCarther and Woods are equally good in tricky roles.  

I liked the way director Ray (The Last Porno Flick) Marsh resisted the temptation to lean into the horrific elements of the story.  Instead, he patiently allows characters to slowly seal their own fate with their actions. You probably won’t even mind that the horror is more subdued as the sometimes-icky family drama and strong performances are enough to keep you glued to your seat.  Not only that, but Lord Shango is a searing indictment of religious hypocrisy.  It’s also interesting the way Marsh contrasts elements of voodoo with Christianity, leaving the viewer to decide which of the two does more harm than good.  

Lord Shango probably runs on about ten or fifteen minutes longer than necessary.  However, this is one movie in which the marinade is more important than the meat.  It might move a little pokey in sports, but it’s a damned fine alternative to some of the schlocky Blaxploitation horror flicks of the era.

AKA:  The Color of Love.  AKA:  Soulmates of Shango.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #29: CURSE OF THE VOODOO (1965) ***

(Streamed via Raygun)

Director Lindsay Shonteff and his Devil Doll star Bryant Haliday reteamed for this effective voodoo thriller.  Haliday plays a smarmy great white hunter who kills a lion on sacred ground in Africa.  Since the local tribe worship lions as gods, they put a voodoo curse on him.  Once Haliday is back in London, he tries to reconnect with his estranged wife (Lisa Daniely).  It is not a happy reunion, however, as he is haunted by the witch doctor’s fiendish curse wherever he goes.  

Shonteff delivers a couple of solid sequences, namely the big game hunting scene which is accompanied by an almost humorously bombastic score.  Other memorable scenes involve Haliday going out for a midnight stroll and being menaced by the sound of a snarling lion, and when he is pursued by the apparition of the witch doctor on the streets of London.  The best scene is the terrific African dance sequence set in a London nightclub where a black dancer does what can only be described as the ‘60s version of twerking.  I would like to think the reason this scene goes on for so long was because Shonteff was trying to juxtapose the native dancing of Africa with the more modern dance of swinging London in the ‘60s.  More than likely, he just wanted to get lots of footage of the dancer shaking her moneymaker for all its worth.

With his pale, pockmarked face and devilish demeanor, Haliday is ideally cast as the big game hunter getting his just desserts.  He’s just as good at being an asshole in Africa as he is being haunted by specters in London.  Dennis Price also lends fine support as Haliday’s hunting buddy.  

What sets Curse of the Voodoo apart from typical voodoo-themed horror flicks is that much of the horror is psychological.  Yes, Haliday’s visions stem from the witch doctor’s curse, but they can also be seen as a metaphor for his alcoholism (many characters chalk up his increasingly erratic behavior to his drinking) and/or guilt.  Although the pacing sort of sags here and there (especially once Haliday lapses into a comatose state) and the final confrontation is a tad underwhelming, this is nevertheless an entertaining, low key horror flick that works more often than not.

AKA:  Voodoo Blood Death.  AKA:  Curse of Simba.  AKA:  Lion Man.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #28: DRACULA’S WIDOW (1988) ***

(Streamed via Freevee)

Two things I learned from the title of this movie:  Dracula’s 1) Married and 2) Dead.  Shit.  Had I known that, I would’ve sent flowers… to both the wedding and the funeral.  

All kidding aside, Dracula’s Widow was the first movie directed by Christopher Coppola, who would later go on to direct the immortal classic, Deadfall.  It would make a great triple feature of Late ‘80s/Early ‘90s Coppola Vampire Movies, alongside the Nicolas Cage-starring Vampire’s Kiss and Francis Ford Coppola’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula.  

Lenny Von Dohlen is the temperamental owner of a Hollywood wax museum who winds up receiving the remains of Dracula’s widow (Emmanulle’s Sylvia Kristel).  Before long, she bites him, makes him her familiar, and goes out into the night turning her victims into hamburger.  This is why you should always inspect your packages before you sign on the dotted line for them.

For a first-time feature, it’s pretty good.  Coppola bathes many scenes with lots of cool colors (many sequences are lit like a giallo) and gives the whole thing a look that’s a lot artier than you might expect.  Despite being the titular character, Kristel doesn’t seem to be in it a whole lot.  She doesn’t really look like she’s having a lot of fun either, but at least she looks great (even in her bad wig).  The biggest debit though is all the scenes with a hardboiled detective (Josef Sommer) investigating the murders, which aren’t exactly bad, it just feels like they came out of an entirely different movie.  

These quibbles are relatively minor in the long run.  For the most part, Dracula’s Widow is briskly paced, looks slick, and it contains lots of blood, guts, and gore.  Since Kristel is “both beauty AND beast”, she not only drinks the blood of her victims, but turns into a rubber-faced monster and eats them.  The highlight comes when she rips apart a bunch of Satanists during a black mass.  There’s also a solid bat transformation scene near the end which puts lots of today’s CGI crap to shame. 

AKA:  Lady Dracula.

SLASHERMANIACS VOLUME 1 & 2 (1990) **

I remember seeing the video box for The Original Slasher Mania and Slasher Mania 2 double feature in the video store back in the day, but I never got around to renting it.  I may have enjoyed it back then, but as they say, I’m a man now, and my tastes are a bit more refined.  That’s not exactly true.  As a die-hard fan of horror movie compilations, even the most slapdash affairs are usually right up my alley.  Despite my astonishingly high tolerance for the genre, my resolve was periodically tested by this one.  

You can tell it’s going to be a slipshod affair right from the opening title sequence, which proclaims the title as “Slashermaniacs Volume 1” (the title I’m reviewing it under) and not Slasher Mania (or even “The Original Slasher Mania”).  You know you’re in trouble when the compilation can’t even get the title right!

Unlike most horror comps, Slashermaniacs Volume 1 culls from only a few titles, and most of them are public domain.  That’s not the worst thing in the world, but the clips are shown at random and go on seemingly forever.  Sometimes, they’re so long you wonder where one clip ends and the other begins.  

The clips from Volume 1 include Night of the Living Dead (not exactly a slasher, is it?), Alice, Sweet Alice, and another flick I couldn’t identify.  (It would’ve been nice if they had listed the movie titles in the end credits.)  Then, things end with trailers for The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and Dr. Phibes Rises Again.  The trailers are obviously the highlight, and it’s a shame there weren’t more previews sprinkled about.  It sure would’ve broken up the monotony.

Since each volume is only a half-hour long, I decided to roll my thoughts on Slashermaniacs Volume 2 into this review.  It offers up more of the same, and it’s a slight improvement over the original, if only because the clips are better.  This installment relies heavily on scenes from Night of the Living Dead (again), Horror Hotel (like Night of the Living Dead, it’s not a slasher, but at least the most atmospheric parts are used), and Alice, Sweet Alice (again).

The trailers are much better this time too, even if there are only a handful of them.  The best part is the iconic trailer for Psycho starring Alfred Hitchcock.  Since this is the greatest trailer of all time, I’m immediately inclined to give Volume 2 the edge over Volume 1, but it’s still kinda rough overall.  The tape wraps up with trailers for Blood Feast and Two Thousand Maniacs, but despite the strong finish, the whole thing feels like it was put together by someone hooking two VCRs together than a professionally edited and distributed horror compilation tape.

AKA:  The Original Slasher Mania.  AKA:  Slasher Mania 2.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #27: BLOODY MUSCLE BODY BUILDER IN HELL (1995) ****

(Streamed via Midnight Pulp)

Bloody Muscle Body Builder in Hell is basically a low budget, hour-long, shot-on-video Japanese remake of Evil Dead 2.  After reading that sentence, you should already know if you are the target audience for this sort of thing.  Even if you didn’t dig it as much as I did, you have to admit:  It has one of the greatest titles in movie history.  

Shinji (writer/director Shinichi Fukazawa) is a bodybuilder who takes his girlfriend and a psychic to investigate his father’s supposedly haunted house.  Before long, the vengeful spirit of his father’s former lover possesses the psychic and uses his powers to lock the couple in the house.  After being tormented endlessly by the possessed psychic, our hero eventually uses his love of weightlifting to smash the demon once and for all.

Some scenes follow Evil Dead 1 and 2 pretty closely, and the recreations are quite impressive considering the time and resources that were available.  Fans of Sam Raimi’s trilogy will enjoy these moments to be sure (everything from the headless corpse attack to the iconic “Groovy” scene is here), but I was even more impressed by Fukazawa’s original flourishes and twists on Raimi’s standbys just as much.  The eyeball stabbing scene is great, and the part where a necklace comes out a person’s mouth and digs into their eye is kind of freaky.  The film even manages to one-up Raimi when the dismembered hand fuses together with a severed head, creating a Bride of Re-Animator-esque creation.  Also, those who were always incensed that Evil Dead 2’s poster boy, the skull with human eyes, was nowhere to be found in that movie will be pleased that a very low budget version shows up here.

In front of the camera, Fukazawa mimics Bruce Campbell’s performance rather closely and nails many of his facial tics.  Weirdly enough, this was his only movie, and it’s sort of a shame.  Even though it’s clearly a riff on Evil Dead (I hesitate to call it a “rip-off” as it’s more of a homage than anything), his own unique spins on Raimi’s films are enough to make you curious what he might’ve been able to do with a completely original premise.  

“Sayonara, baby!”

AKA:  The Japanese Evil Dead.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #26: ADVENTURE AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH (1966) ** ½

(Streamed via Otherworlds TV)

Julia (Carmen Molina) and her boyfriend are taking a tour of a cave when they sneak off for a little hanky-panky.  They fall into a hole and her man is killed by a giant rubbery reptile.  A professor (Jose Elias Moreno) then gathers together an expedition to find the monster responsible.  

Directed by Alfredo B. (Santo vs. the Martian Invasion) Crevenna, this Mexican sci-fi horror flick suffers from a lot of padding.  The opening narration is especially longwinded, there’s an inexplicable musical number that brings things to a screeching halt, the diamond smuggling subplot goes nowhere, and the slow-moving scenes of the expedition traipsing through the caverns are likely to bore you.  The funniest form of padding comes during the hilarious scene where the professor preps his team for the journey by showing them footage from One Million B.C. and Unknown Island.  Usually, these kinds of films try to incorporate shots from other movies into the action, so it was nice to see monster fights from other flicks being passed off as “research” material.  

If you can get past the scenes of real animal cruelty and casual racism, you’ll be treated to some terrific rubbery monsters.  There’s a cool cyclops, a giant bat monster (who has a hilarious flying scene), and a big ass fuzzy spider.  The shots of the monsters’ eyes glowing in the dark are quite atmospheric and the monster attacks are even a little bloody.  Another memorable sequence occurs when the expedition is attacked by bats while perilously dangling above a lava pit.  

For a film filled with so much padding, it sure ends awful abruptly.  I mean, appreciate it when a movie wraps things up before it wears out its welcome, but it’s still a little jarring.  However, for all its faults, when the monsters are front and center, Adventure at the Center of the Earth is cheesy fun.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #25: PAGANINI HORROR (1988) ***

(Streamed via Plex)

Paganini Horror starts off with some of the worst/funniest scenes of terrible musicians performing awful rock n’ roll numbers since Pod People.  The band’s manager is understandably upset and hates the song almost as much as the audience.  “I know the difference between a hit and the mundane!  We need another hit… not rehashed bullshit!”

Concerned, one of the band members gets in contact with a poorly dubbed Donald Pleasance who sells him an old parchment of a lost song by Paganini.  To double down on the whole Paganini-Mania the kids obviously go gaga for nowadays, the band decides to film their music video in Paganini’s old villa (ran by Daria Nicolodi, who also wrote the flick).  Here, we are treated to another hilarious/awful rock video segment where a guy in a gold mask stalks the band.

I’m sure you probably can guess that the real Paganini (who allegedly sold his soul to the devil for fame and fortune) comes to life and starts to make mincemeat out of the band and the video crew.  You probably didn’t predict he would do so with a switchblade violin.  (Then again, you might, if you saw it under its alternate title, The Killing Violin.)  

In short, this is some of Luigi (Starcrash) Cozzi’s finest work.  Although he can’t quite sustain the WTF momentum of the early scenes throughout the entire running time, Cozzi gives us enough face melting and flesh dissolving to make this a cut above your typical rock n’ roll horror flick.  If the shoddy musical numbers didn’t endear Paganini Horror to you, or if the sight of Donald Pleasance throwing money from the top of tall buildings failed to make you smile, or if the brightly colored balls-out scene of horror didn’t leave an impression, then the dialogue will at least make you sit up and take notice.  There are howlers aplenty here.  I think my favorite line came when the band gets the idea to film their horror-themed music video and one of the gals says, “No one has ever done anything remotely like it before!  Except for Michael Jackson and his fantastic Thriller video clip!”

AKA:  The Killing Violin.  

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #24: RETURN TO… RETURN TO NUKE ‘EM HIGH AKA: VOL. 2 (2017) **

(Streamed via The Halloween Channel)

The title of Troma’s Return to… Return to Nuke ‘Em High AKA:  Vol. 2 is a little unwieldy and chaotic.  That’s okay because it perfectly suits the movie itself.  Following up the fun Return to Nuke ‘Em High Vol.1 was an unenviable task.  Although this belated (even though they were shot simultaneously) sequel is an often disjointed mess, there are some truly memorable moments here to still make it worth a look for Troma fans.  

Heck, the first scene qualifies it as some kind of manic classic.  It’s a fun, gory, and surreal rip-off of the shower scene in Carrie.  While it’s pretty much all downhill from there, this scene will be etched into my brain for months to come.

After being raped by a duck in Vol. 1, Lauren (Catherine Corcoran) gives birth to a mutant duck baby.  She and her lover Chrissy (Asta Paredes) ease into their parenting roles surprisingly well, all things considered.  The couple’s bliss is soon shattered when the glee club-turned-gang of mutant bikers, The Cretins kidnap Lauren and her newborn.  Meanwhile, the head of Tromorganic (Lloyd Kaufman, who also directed) turns into a fire-breathing mutant monster and it’s up to Lauren’s duck monster boyfriend, Kevin to save the day.

Like most Troma sequels, Return to… Return is heavily padded with flashbacks to the other movies in the series. The editing is slapdash at best, and the whole thing feels cobbled together from leftovers from the previous film.  “Meta” scenes of Kaufman arguing with his wife (and producer) about editing gore and dicks out of the final cut feel more like a way to pad things out than anything.  (Extra padding occurs in the form of outtakes and even a musical number over the credits.)

Overall, it’s less assured and certainly messier than Vol. 1.  Despite a grand set-up, it pretty much falls apart in the second act.  At least the gross FX, dumb gags, and abundance of T & A keep it from completely spinning off the rails.  

Your enjoyment of the film may hinge on your ability to go with all the duck stuff.  I’m not sure why Kaufman leaned so hard into the duck humor.  If I had to guess, I’d say it was the natural progression of the foul humor (no pun intended) of Poultrygeist.  Who knows?

Monique Dupree gets the best line when she sees Corcoran giving birth in the shower and screams, “She’s not dying!  She’s dilating!”

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #23: TAG (2015) *** ½

(Streamed via Horror Movies by Fawesome)

I first became aware of Tag when they played a clip from the opening scene on an episode of The Soup.  It involves a bus full of Japanese schoolgirls on a field trip that wind up being cut in half by an unseen force.  This jaw-dropping bravura set piece features some janky CGI in some spots, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t work.  This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the film’s unexpected, surreal, and gory sequences.

Tag is sort of like a mix of Evil Dead, Final Destination, and The Butterfly Effect.  A Japanese schoolgirl runs afoul of mysterious forces that cause her classmates to die in horrifically ghoulish ways.   Just when she thinks she’s escaped death’s grasp and everything has returned to normal, she finds herself in an alternate universe where yet another grim fate awaits those around her.  

Tag is full of spectacular carnage and over the top gore.  The film contains a wonderful scene where a Japanese schoolgirl takes a crocodile to the crotch, as well as one of the greatest wedding scenes in movie history.  There is a school shooting sequence that may be too much for some viewers to take, however, so fair warning.  Some of the stuff in between the gruesome set pieces feels a tad like padding, but since these scenes include several instances of Japanese schoolgirls getting into slow motion pillow fights, it’s hard to lodge a complaint.  The camerawork is also impressive as it is at times reminiscent of both Raimi and Kubrick.  

The ending is a little on the underwhelming side, but then again, anyone would be hard-pressed to tie together all these wildly disparate sequences in a satisfying manner.  That doesn’t necessarily diminish the overall impact as it certainly fits the unpredictable tone throughout the rest of the film.  Tag may have its flaws, but this is one movie I had no idea where it was going from one scene to the next.   Even if some parts didn’t work, I didn’t care as being along for the ride was part of the fun.  

AKA:  Tag:  A High School Splatter Film.  AKA:  Real Tag.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #22: DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW 2: STRAWEYES (2022) **

(Streamed via Vudu)

The Made for TV Movie, Dark Night of the Scarecrow has its share of ardent followers.  I never found it to be particularly great, but it was better than many similar ‘80s TV horror flicks.  Considering the film’s cult following, it seems odd that they waited forty-one years to make this low budget DTV sequel.  As far as forty years too late sequels go, it’s not terrible or anything.  I’ve certainly seen worse this month, that’s for sure.

Chris (Amber Wedding) and her son Jeremy (Aiden Shurr) move from the big city to a small rural farming community.  They aren’t in town very long when several people begin turning up dead.  Could the local killer scarecrow legend be to blame?  

I can’t tell if Dark Night of the Scarecrow 2:  Straweyes is trying to honor the Made for TV feel of the original by having most of the kills occur offscreen or what, but the results are kind of weak.  When we seldom do see the carnage left by the killer scarecrow, it’s pretty tame.  In his defense, writer/director J.D. Feigelson (who also wrote the original) does set up the kills in a competent manner and manages to sometimes punctate them with a clever touch.  (Like when the farmer’s glass eye pops out.)  I just wish he hadn’t been so frugal with the red stuff.

Had we had some quality kills, it might’ve been easier to overlook some of the film’s other shortcomings.  The biggest drawback is the fact that it withholds its connection to the original for a good chunk of the running time.  The whole Witness Protection subplot eats up a lot of screen time too.  This shit wouldn’t have cut it on a lackluster episode of Nash Bridges, let alone a four decades later DTV sequel to a Made for TV horror movie.

AKA:  Dark Night of the Scarecrow 2.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #21: THE SKELETON OF MRS. MORALES (1960) ** ½

(Streamed via Dark Matter TV)

Mr. Morales (Arturo de Cordova) is a perpetually henpecked husband who is married to a real shrew (Amparo Rivelles).  He finally has enough of his nagging wife’s shit and decides to poison her.  Since Mr. Morales is a taxidermist by trade, he proudly displays the bones of Mrs. Morales in his storefront window, practically begging for the suspicious townsfolk to call the cops.  Naturally, he is arrested, fools everyone at the trial, and eventually gets away with murder.  After the trial, he confesses his crime to his local padre (and main accuser), who informs him he will soon face the wrath of God for his deeds.

Directed in atmospheric fashion by Rogelio A. (Ship of Monsters) Gonzalez, The Skeleton of Mrs. Morales is a beautiful looking film.  The cinematography is excellent and some of the camerawork is quite impressive (especially in the final scene).  In fact, there are moments that may make you think of both Alfred Hitchcock and Mario Bava.   

Ultimately, the story is a bit one-note and predictable to be fully effective.  It would’ve made for a gangbusters half-hour episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents or The Twilight Zone, but at feature length, it has a tendency to drag (particularly in the second act).  Although the twist is telegraphed ahead of time, it is nevertheless well executed by Gonzalez.  I won’t spoil it for you.  I’ll just say it’s the sort of thing you have seen dozens of variations of before in similar films, although to be fair, it’s done better here than in lots of better known movies.

The acting is a bit maudlin and hammy, which helps prevent it from really kicking into gear.  Both de Cordova and Rivelles go over the top at times, which doesn’t necessarily endear them to the audience.  With no one to sympathize with or root for, we are essentially just along for the ride and await the guilty party to get their just desserts.

Bottom Line:  Despite having a bone (or two) to pick with the film, The Skeleton of Mrs. Morales is a solid little horror chiller.