Okay, folks. Here we are. The last movie in our Amityville April series. This is the fifth in the franchise, and the only one of the “official” entries I haven’t seen. Because of that, I saved it for last. I thought I may enjoy it more after watching so many of the no-budget unrelated Amityville rip-offs. As it turned out, that wasn’t the case. It’s not terrible or anything, but it’s awfully dull and slow moving. If I’m being completely honest, it’s probably the weakest of the official Amityville films.
A group of friends pool their money together and buy a house in Amityville (not THE house, just A house) with the intent of fixing it up and flipping it for a profit. As you can probably guess, this house is haunted too. It seems a priest was murdered in a confessional booth twelve years earlier. The booth was then stored in the house’s basement and voila! The place is haunted AF.
Throughout the film we get a dog attack, a spider attack, and lame psychic visions. Most of the boring home repair scenes play like This Old House though. Oh, and one annoying guy films everything with his home movie camera, which set an unfortunate precedent for the series.
Journeyman character actor Kim (The Last Boy Scout) Coates takes the acting honors as the nervous, bespectacled, chain-smoking guy who eventually snaps and starts killing his friends. Casting him as a psycho in an Amityville sequel was a good idea, but unfortunately, he’s kept on a tight leash for most of the running time. When he finally does get to strut his stuff, the movie does show signs of life. The ending, where he winds up with a burnt Freddy Krueger face and chases a lady around the house who defends herself with a nail gun, is decent. It’s just one of those too little, too late scenarios as the bulk of the film is just too plodding for its own good. Cassandra Gava (the hot witch from Conan the Barbarian) is pretty good as Coates’ sexy wife. However, the rest of the cast are comprised of irritating psychics, gossiping old biddies, and insufferable assholes.
Well, now that I’ve finally waded through all the official Amityville movies and a LOT of the unofficial ones, here is how I stack them up:
THE OFFICIAL AND UNOFFICIAL AMITYVILLE HORROR SERIES RANKING:
1. Amityville: The Awakening ***
2. The Amityville Horror (2005) ***
3. Amityville Witches ***
4. The Amityville Terror ***
5. Amityville 3-D ** ½
6. The Amityville Horror (1979) ** ½
7. Amityville Dollhouse ** ½
8. Amityville: The Final Chapter ** ½
9. Amityville in Space ** ½
10. Amityville Toybox ** ½
11. Amityville Christmas Vacation ** ½
12. The Amityville Moon ** ½
13. Amityville 2: The Possession **
14. Amityville Horror: The Evil Escapes **
15. Amityville 1992: It’s About Time **
16. Amityville Death House **
17. Amityville Exorcism **
18. The Amityville Asylum **
19. Amityville Cop **
20. The Amityville Harvest **
21. Amityville: A New Generation **
22. Amityville Uprising **
23. The Amityville Curse **
24. The Amityville Haunting **
25. Ghosts of Amityville **
26. An Amityville Poltergeist **
27. Amityville Clownhouse * ½
28. Amityville in the Hood * ½
29. Amityville: No Escape * ½
30. Amityville Scarecrow 2 *
31. Amityville Karen *
32. Amityville Theater *
33. Amityville Island ½ *
34. Amityville Hex ½ *
35. Mt. Misery Rd. ½ *
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