Amityville Hex is kind of like the fake Amityville version of We’re All Going to the World’s Fair. Various YouTubers, podcasters, vloggers, and internet personalities receive a challenge to recite “The Amityville Hex”, a spell that supposedly dooms whoever speaks it out loud. Naturally, these yutzes stare directly into the camera and read it. Soon after, they begin having nightmares, start slowly losing their marbles, and then die and/or kill someone else.
Honestly, they should’ve just called it The Amityville Tide Pod Challenge.
If there’s anything I hate more than Found Footage horror movies, it’s Live-Streaming horror movies. I know filmmakers had to be enterprising and creative during the pandemic when it came to making films with small-to-no cast and crews. However, the recent uptick with these things is kind of alarming. Can’t we just go back to making… you know… REAL horror flicks and not this kind of bullshit?
The biggest problem with Amityville Hex is that it’s one-hundred-and-eight minutes long. Not even an official Amityville Horror sequel deserves to have a running time that long. It’s one thing for Burt Young or Tony Roberts to be running around the Amityville house for close to two hours. It’s another thing when that length of time is spent on a bunch of doofuses looking dumbly into their laptops and/or appearing on Zoom calls. Not only that, but much of the first half is devoted to repetitive scenes of people staring into the camera and reciting the hex. Once they finally do start dying off, it’s all incredibly weak and pathetic, and none of the demises are worth a damn. Except maybe when poor old George Stover (who deserves better) gets killed by his own lawnmower.
Aside from Stover, the only other real names in the cast are Lloyd Kaufman and Ouija Nazi’s Veronica Ricci. However, all they get to do is recite the hex as part of a montage near the end. How you can waste an actress as vivacious as Ricci in such a stupefying fashion is anyone’s guess.
The only good part is when a couple watch Spider Baby on TV and you can hear Lon Chaney, Jr. singing the theme song in the background. That’s about the best thing I can say about it.
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