CLASH OF WARLORDS (1984) ****

Few movies straddle the line between inept garbage and cinematic masterpiece like Clash of Warlords.  When the film in question begins with the title over a still image of an explosion that remains on screen for over two minutes with no other credits, text, or well… anything, you know you’re in for something special.  The fact that they forgot the “the” to make it Clash of THE Warlords is just icing on the cinematic cake.

In the post-apocalyptic future, a warlord kills Rex’s wife and forces him to fight in his arena.  Rex eventually escapes and joins up with a band of freedom fighters living in the woods.  When the warlord’s men attack the peaceful village, Rex leads an army to get some payback. 

Like… that’s just the broad strokes.  I mean, I could tell you what HAPPENS in this movie, but you wouldn’t believe it.  It seems the costume department raided the wardrobes of every popular movie at the time.  Characters look alternately like extras from The Warriors, Mad Max, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, and Sinbad.  Heck, there are even characters that look like Solid Gold dancers. 

Likewise, the plot cherry-picks everything from Spartacus to Robin Hood and in the film’s jaw-dropping finale, Star Wars as there’s even a poorly rendered lightsaber duel that makes the one in Starcrash look like the freezing chamber duel in The Empire Strikes Back.  I mean what’s Lucasfilm gonna do?  Sue?  Honestly, the whole thing is better than The Force Awakens if you ask me. 

I mean, did The Force Awakens have guys brandishing spears that shoot arrows from their tips?  Or a villain who wears half a waffle iron over his face and gets so twitchy during the full moon he’s got to be tied down and half his face melts off?  (The best part of this scene is when his underlings snicker at the whole ordeal and make fun of him behind his back.)  Not to mention the fact that every third extra looks like a Filipino Burt Reynolds.  Or that everyone in the future pronounces “arena” as “REEN-AH!”  (And it gets funnier every time someone says it.)

There’s probably more hilarious shit I missed since I was too busy doubled over in laughter half the time.  Make no mistake.  Clash of Warlords is fucking terrible… and I loved every second of it.  Those seeking actual quality will want to look elsewhere.  You’re either the sort of person who wants to see a lightsaber duel in a cheap Filipino post-nuke action flick or you aren’t. 

Also, I love the fact that this is such a blatant Mad Max copy that one of the alternate titles is “Mad Warrior”.  All they did to come up with the title was swap out words from the first two Mad Max movies.  It’s a shame we never got a follow-up called “Road Max”.

AKA:  Clash of the Warlords.  AKA:  Mad Warrior.  AKA:  Mad Destruction.