LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HELLCATS IN HIGH HEELS (1997) ** ½

FORMAT:  VHS

This odd shot-on-video softcore tape feels like if Michael Ninn tried to remake Rock Video Girls with a camcorder.  It’s nothing more than a series of pointlessly arty sequences of porn stars and nude models engaging in softcore activity set to a rock soundtrack and edited like a music video.  I can’t say it works, but it’s got a lot of naked women in it. 

The only names I recognized were Nikki Sinn and Melissa Monet and the only band I’ve heard of was David Allen and The Arrows.  I don’t know if that is exactly a “criticism”.  I just wish the music was better.

The tape begins a with a quote from Judy Garland (!), then the softcore sequences begin.  In the most interesting scene, a model is covered in black latex and when it hardens, she does a striptease by peeling the latex from her body.  All this might’ve been erotic if it wasn’t for all the Hollywood Squares camera effects.  Next up is a scene where a woman in an equestrian outfit and a topless chick in a bridle engage in some “pony play”.  Like the first segment, it has a good idea at its core, but the camera effects get in the way of the fun.  (In this case, too much “Negative Vision”.)  Then Nikki walks by a bunch of erotic art while smoking.  This scene is kind of pointless as it features no nudity aside from what’s featured in the artwork.  Next, we have a series of biker babes performing stripteases.  This is followed by a lesbian softcore scene that features some bootlicking, which is kind of hot… if you’re into that sort of thing.  Then, a quartet of babes in ‘50s attire shake their goods in front of classic cars while Allen plays guitar.  A disagreement breaks out between two of the gals, and things erupt into a hair-pulling catfight.  Even though there’s no nudity in this segment, it’s probably the most fun.  This is followed by a nude body painting scene that might’ve worked if the body art didn’t make it look like Venom puked tribal tattoos on the models.  Next, the girls get naked and shake and shimmy for the camera before engaging in a five-way lesbian fuck fest.  If you make it past the credits, you’ll be treated to a trailer for Part 2, which looks like more of the same.  

Hellcats in High Heels was directed by porn star-turned-photographer Justice Howard, who appeared in a handful of hardcore movies (including… uh… More Than a Handful).  Her only directing credits were the films in the Hellcats in High Heels trilogy.  I will say this for her:  She knows how to showcase silicone boob jobs, blonde dye jobs, and body piercings.  All this kind of made me nostalgic for edited-for-cable adult content of the ‘90s, like the Playboy Channel and Spice Channel, but it wasn’t exactly titillating.