THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: BRUTAL (2018) ***

A serial killer is running around Japan kidnapping, torturing, and dismembering his victims.  Meanwhile, a female serial killer is busy picking up men and ruthlessly mutilating them in their bathing suit areas.  When the pair eventually meet, will it be love at first sight or a match made in Hell?

Brutal tries a little too hard to be shocking, and because of that, it sometimes fumbles.  The death scenes are appropriately over the top, but the Grindhouse aesthetic of the scratchy, jumpy print lessens the overall impact as it keeps calling attention to itself and reminding the audience that it’s only a movie.  Interestingly enough, it’s the quieter moments that are more effective and unsettling.  The scenes of the killer mopping up, disposing of the victims’ leftovers, and his unorthodox bathing habits are even more disturbing than the murders themselves.  I also liked the scenes of him hanging out and talking to the remains of his victims.

The sequences that follow the female serial killer’s day-to-day routine work a little better, mostly because it’s not so in-your-face.  The highlight is the long scene where she picks up a potential victim and realizes she might be in love with him, which complicates matters.  The third act is probably the best as the two killers’ date quickly escalates into a bloody battle of the sexes, before culminating in one of the grossest love scenes in the history of the silver screen.  (Another gnarly moment occurs when the killer jams a knife into the sole of his victim’s foot.)  

If the rest of the film had this same kind of vibe, it might’ve been a classic.  As it is, Brutal is uneven, but fitfully effective.  Although it takes a little while to find its footing, when it works, it works.  I’m just certain it would’ve played so much better without the distracting, scratchy, faux-Grindhouse print.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: GROTESQUE: UNRATED VERSION (2010) ****

It might seem kind of weird, but Grotesque:  Unrated Version is the actual onscreen title.  Normally, whenever a movie gets an unrated version, that ballyhoo is usually reserved for the DVD cover.  I liked that about this flick because it lets you know up front what you’re getting yourself into.  The squeamish need not apply for this one.  No one could accuse Grotesque:  Unrated Version of holding back or being watered down as this is one of the most balls-out horror shows I’ve seen in some time.  (In some countries it was known as Martyrs 2, which kind of makes sense once you see it.)

A couple on their first date are knocked unconscious, kidnapped, and taken to a dungeon where they are tortured face to face by a pie-eating weirdo.  To prove he’s not such a bad guy, their captor gives them a chance to survive.  If the couple can “excite” him with their suffering, he will (maybe) let them go.

Grotesque:  Unrated Version is a Japanese horror flick set in the American torture porn mode.  It has the same kind of dingy, washed-out cinematography and scummy looking sets that hallmarked the genre during the ‘00s.  What makes it different is the highly charged sexual nature of the kidnapping.  I mean, some folks go all the way on the first date, but nothing like these two.  There’s one scene in particular where the bodily fluids start flying that even impressed this jaded horror hound.

Then the REALLY gruesome stuff happens.  And “by gruesome stuff”, I mean the sicko brings out his Makita chainsaw (he holds the logo up to the camera for so long that I’m sure the Makita company paid for the product placement) and starts turning fingers into homemade DIY jewelry.  And that’s not even getting into the EXTREMELY gruesome stuff that happens.  I can’t quite bring myself to tell you what goes down when the couple gets out of line.  Let’s just say that when the scene occurs, you might want to nip out for a bit. 

Then… things go from EXTREMELY gruesome to NAUSEATINGLY gruesome. 

Knowing that this was also sold as a Martyrs sequel might give you an idea what to expect.  It also has a little bit of the same DNA as The Human Centipede too.  Your mileage may vary of course, but it definitely made me squirm in my seat.  This one's only reserved for the strongest of stomachs.  If you don’t want to see people graphically mutilated and tortured, this will not be your cup of tea.  Grotesque is grotesque as all get-out.  Gorehounds, what are you waiting for? 

AKA:  Grotesque.  AKA:  Martyrs 2.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: SICK NURSES (2007) ****

A doctor makes his living on the black market harvesting and selling organs.  When he falls out of love with his girlfriend, he kills her and harvests her organs.  That way he can live happily ever after with her sexy sister.  This, if you ask me, takes him right out of the running for the Boyfriend of the Year award.  While he’s out of the office collecting payment, his girlfriend’s spirit is wreaking havoc on the hot nurses who helped perform the operation.

Sick Nurses is a terrific Thai horror flick that has a neat gimmick.  The spirit has until the stroke of midnight to kill her victims to successfully get her revenge.  The nurses all wind up splitting up at quarter of twelve, and the ghost goes to work on the nurses at approximately the same time.  Because of that, after every death, we go back in time five minutes and follow a different nurse until they meet their demise.

It helps that the nurses are all spunky, colorful, and lively characters.  There’s always a temptation in horror movies to make the victims interchangeable and disposable.  You know, just more fodder for the body count.  This one bucks the trend and gives us lots of female characters who are fun to watch.  

The body count, it should be said, is rather hefty.  I’ll admit, some of the kill scenes are stronger than others (what’s with Asian horror movies and hair?), but there are several disturbing/disgusting/badass moments here, along with plenty of atmosphere on display, which means there’s lots of fun to be had.  The scene where a nurse hacks her own jawbone off is particularly gnarly.  

The ghost herself is pretty cool too.  Painted black, wearing a mossy-looking dress, and flashing a striking deadpan stare, she cuts a memorable image while tormenting the sleazy nurses.  It all culminates in a legitimately shocking twist ending that I can honestly say I didn’t see coming.  In short, Sick Nurses lives up to its title.  And then some.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: ALTER EGO (2002) ** ½

A sleazy promoter lures a bunch of underage Japanese “idols” to an abandoned school for a photoshoot.  During the shoot, crew members catch glimpses of their evil doppelgängers strolling the hallways, and foolishly wander off to look for them.  When they eventually catch up to their deadly doubles, they meet a grisly end.

Alter Ego is short and sweet.  It’s only an hour long and it gets right to the point, which is greatly appreciated, especially when you have a plot as thin as this one.  Despite the potentially lurid subject matter of underage girls being tricked into an illicit photoshoot, it’s all kind of tame.  It’s hard to say if it would’ve made a difference had the film really went for broke though.  It doesn’t quite completely work in this form either, but it’s moderately effective for the most part.  

The concept is reasonably solid, especially for a low budget movie.  I mean, the plot is a perfect set-up for thrifty film producers.  You don’t need to spend money on a bunch of fancy effects.  (The big special effect looks like a funhouse mirror filter you could get on your iPhone.)  All you really need are extra costumes, someone to double for the actors, and some clever editing.  (The single location helps keep costs down too.)  Heck, the effects of the people being twisted into human pretzels look pretty good (even if you can spot the seams).

Once a doppelgänger infiltrates the group, the paranoia is ratcheted up a notch.  It’s here where we get a mirror scene that plays like a low-key version of the blood test sequence from The Thing.  The finale is decent as well, and the wraparound segments aren’t too intrusive to the narrative.  If you’re looking for a quick fix of J-Horror this Halloween season, you can do much worse than Alter Ego.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: HIDEKI: EVIL DEAD TRAP 2 (1992) * ½

A serial killer called “The Street Killer” is running around offing prostitutes.  Meanwhile, a reporter tries to get her homely female projectionist friend to go out with a married loser named Hideki.  Pretty soon, she starts seeing a little ghost boy in the movie theater where she works, and things soon spiral out of control from there.

It’s been a while since I saw the first Evil Dead Trap, but as far as I can tell, this has fuck-all to do with the original.  At first, it’s hard to tell where the plot is going, and that could’ve worked if we really gave a shit about the characters.  Ultimately, it winds up being a sort of twisted love triangle deal, which is way less interesting than any other direction the plot could’ve potentially taken.

I guess there was a kernel of a good idea somewhere in Hideki:  Evil Dead Trap 2.  However, wherever that kernel was, it sure as shit didn’t pop.  In fact, nothing pops in this movie as it’s pretty much one big bore from start to finish.  There is some okay gore in the finale though.  We get some gut ripping, bone breaking, and self-mutilation.  Other than that, the climax is rushed, chaotic, and frankly, unsatisfying.

I watched this almost immediately after I saw Sadako because Tubi recommended it to me.  I figured, sure why not?  Another Japanese horror sequel?  Sign me up.  Turns out, they had much more in common than I initially thought as they both revolve around aborted baby ghosts seeking revenge.  (Tubi’s algorithm is on point.)  For all of its faults, Sadako handled the idea in a thought-provoking way.  The only thought Hideki:  Evil Dead Trap 2 provoked in me was, “When the hell is this gonna be over?”  

Bottom Line:  This is one trap not worth getting yourself into.

AKA:  Evil Dead Trap 2.  AKA:  Evil Dead Trap 2:  Hideki.  AKA:  Hideki:  The Killer.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: SADAKO (2019) **

A little girl with amnesia is found wandering the streets and is taken to a children’s hospital for observation.  Her friendly doctor tries to reach her and help jog her memory.  It seems that her mother tried to burn her alive in their apartment believing she was the reincarnation of the evil ghost girl, Sadako.  When the doctor’s YouTuber brother makes a cursed viral video from inside the apartment, he mysteriously disappears a week later.  It’s then up to the good doctor to stop the curse and save her brother.

The director of the original Ringu (and the awful American sequel, The Ring Two), Hideo Nakata returned for this reboot of the series.  Like Sadako 3D 2, it’s more of a creepy kid movie than a Ring flick.  It also takes a while before Sadako finally comes crawling out the TV.  Also, you’re forced to watch a long Found Footage sequence in order to gather vital plot information, which kinda sucks.  The fact that snippets of this segment are often repeated to hammer home plot points that the audience has already figured out for themselves doesn’t help matters either.

While the pacing tends to be erratic, Nakata does give the film a sense of style, even if that doesn’t exactly translate into actual atmosphere (or scares).  That said, the finale is solid, and if it inhabited a movie that didn’t dawdle so damned much in the first two acts (or at least was a good fifteen minutes shorter) we might’ve had something here.  At any rate, the third act works, mostly due to the fact that it’s at the very least thematically interesting (the souls of unwanted children are using Sadako’s spirit as a vessel of revenge).  It’s just a shame that the overall results are mixed at best.  Still, it’s better than any of the American versions of The Ring by a long shot.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: SADAKO 3D 2 (2013) * ½

Even if I did see this in its original 3D format, I still don’t think Sadako 3D 2 would’ve been anything to write home about as the 3D effects are rather limited this time out.  The only things that look like they may have popped out of the screen were leaves, molecules, hands, and bodies.  It’s certainly less eye-popping than the first one, that’s for sure.

The daughter of the heroine from Sadako 3D has turned into one of those standard issue creepy kids you see in horror movies that have their hair all in their face, glower at adults, and draw spooky pictures of ominous events that you just know will happen sooner or later.  She’s being raised by her aunt (mom died in childbirth offscreen) and the poor woman is ill-equipped to look after a goldfish let alone a creepy homicidal kid.  Before long, anyone who remotely pisses the brat off gets killed by her psychic temper tantrums (but only if they’re on their phone or laptop).  Is she really to blame for her telekinetic spurts of rage or is the evil Sadako controlling her from beyond the grave?

I wasn’t expecting much from Sadako 3D, but I found it to be an okay effort all things considered.  This sequel delivered just about what I was expecting from the first one.  Namely, not much.

The good news is that it isn’t a complete waste of time.  We get a pretty good knife to the eye, and a decent jump scare when someone tosses themselves out of a window and lands on a car.  The bad news is this is more of a creepy kid flick than a Ring sequel.  As such, there isn’t really enough here to base an entire movie around.  Much of the dialogue is exposition from the last movie and the new material assigned to the psychic kid is weak too.  

I guess I could’ve let a lot of that slide had the finale been half as fun as the previous outing.  I mean, say what you will about Sadako 3D, but at least the ending was kinda nuts.  Unfortunately, the climax of this one is a big letdown.   

AKA:  Sadako 2 3D.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: SADAKO 3D (2013) **

Sadako 3D is a 3D reboot of The Ring.  Naturally, it’s not in 3D on Tubi.  If it were, there would be lots of bodies, hands, laptops, phones, glass, hair, and insects popping out of the screen.  There were certainly enough effects here to make me believe that if seen in the proper 3D version on the big screen, it might be enough to warrant adding an extra Half-Star to the rating.  Alas, here we are stuck with the 2D version.

Now that videotapes have become passé (for some people at least) the titular evil ghost girl has taken to haunting the internet.  Those who watch a “cursed video clip” of an internet celebrity committing suicide during a livestream also die by suicide seven days later.  After one of her students dies, a concerned teacher does some half-assed detective work.  Predictably, she and her boyfriend wind up watching the video.  Will her untapped extra sensory powers be enough to break the curse and stop the evil Sadako in time?

This wasn’t nearly as bad as I anticipated seeing how the Ringu movies (especially the American Ring remakes) do nothing for me.  (I did almost sort of like the Ring vs. Grudge crossover flick Sadako vs. Kayako though.)  It moves efficiently enough, and the performances are solid for the most part.  Plus, it earns points for having Sadako’s final form be something more than just another little girl with her hair in her face.  However, like most of these movies, it’s all rather bloodless and tame.  Also, the film really only has one trick to scare the audience (a hand reaching out of a computer screen) and it beats it into the ground fairly early on.  As I said, maybe it worked better in its original 3D format.  It’s all rather harmless enough for me to at least give it the benefit of the doubt.

AKA:  Sadako 3D:  Ring Originals.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: TOMIE: UNLIMITED (2011) ****

Tomie:  Unlimited is the ninth and so far, final installment of the series.  It kicks off with a great death scene that plays like a Lucio Fulci directed version of The Omen.  From that moment, I knew I had a winner on my hands.

Photography student Tsukiko (Moe Arai) has her world shattered when her sister Tomie (Miu Nakamura) dies in a horrible accident.  One year later, Tomie miraculously shows up at her family’s door alive and well, much to their relief.  However, she’s not quite the same.  For one, she’s now a total brat and acts bitchy as hell.  Her folks go along with it though, mostly because they’re just happy she’s back.  Soon, Tomie begins manipulating her parents and lashing out at her sister, the only one who seems to question her mysterious return.

Let’s just say that from there, Tomie:  Unlimited takes some dizzying and exhilarating turns.  You never know where this crazy ass movie is going next.  It starts out kinda like a remake of Deathdream, except with a Japanese schoolgirl instead of an American soldier.  This portion of the film is a hard-hitting family horror flick that shows how grief, regret, and loss can turn a family against each other.  There are positively brutal scenes like Tomie goading her father into beating her sister with electrical wire that will have you squirming in your seat.  

From there, the movie spirals into a half-dozen different directions, filled with numerous crazy scenes and memorable imagery (like the scene involving someone’s lunch) at nearly every turn.  There’s one scene that plays out like Basket Case Meets The Manster.  By the time Tomie:  Unlimited started riffing on Mystics in Bali, I knew it was a certified classic.  Leave it to gonzo auteur Noboru (Robogeisha) Iguchi to breathe some life into the franchise.  

As I’ve stated before, I’m not really a fan of J-Horror, but this has got to be one of the best I’ve ever seen.  Although I’ve only seen three of the other Tomie movies, I think I can honestly say this has got to be the best.  It’s definitely one of the best Part 9’s in cinema history. 

AKA:  Zombie Girl.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: TOMIE: REVENGE (2005) **

A young doctor hits a naked woman with her car on a mountain road.  She has no memory or credentials or identity, so the good doctor oversees her care at the mental hospital where she works.  The patient reminds another doctor of his missing daughter, and he soon wants to adopt her.  Just before she can be released, a deranged hiker comes down from the mountain, kidnaps her, and brings her back to an abandoned mansion where the sexy succubus-like Tomie lives.

Although Tomie:  Revenge starts off with a promising opening, things quickly go downhill from there.  The hospital setting is novel, and the relationship that forms between the doctor and her patient is kind of sweet, but the horror elements are much too weak to make it work.  Not only that, but it takes an inordinate amount of time to get going.  We do get a decent gut eating scene, although it takes forever to get to it.

Tomie herself is kept offscreen for most of the film, which is a shame because without a Big Bad to drive the story, the flick sorts of falls apart.  I know the filmmakers were trying to suggest that the patient could be Tomie (or at the very least, a Tomie clone), but they dance around the idea too much instead of doing very much of anything with the concept.  The overacting by the two cops who are working on Tomie-related incidents is a bit much too.  Another big stumbling block is the Found Footage segment that occurs halfway through.  It’s rather annoying and only seems like it was tossed in there to cater to the Blair Witch crowd. 

Overall, Tomie:  Revenge is a real letdown.  It’s especially disappointing considering it was directed by Ataru Oikawa, who also made the solid and effective Tomie:  Beginning.  He must’ve run out of places to take the franchise because this was his last time in the director’s chair for the series.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: TOMIE: BEGINNING (2005) ***

Tomie (Rio Matsumoto) is the new girl at school.  She is almost instantly resented by her female classmates due to her promiscuous ways and they proceed to bully her.  Before long, Tomie casts a supernatural hold over the entire class and soon has them under her thumb.  One of her classmates, Reiko (Asami Imajuku) befriends and even defends Tomie but she soon learns her new friend isn’t quite human.

I never saw the original Tomie.  This one is the fifth in the series, and if you couldn’t tell by the title, it’s an origin story.  That’s about as good of a place to start, I guess. 

Although I am not exactly a fan of “J-Horror”, I have to admit, Tomie:  Beginning had a few gnarly scenes.  One squirmy moment finds Tomie feeding her bullies cockroaches and maggots.  There’s also a memorable ear hacking, and the accompanying geyser of blood is so extreme that it would look right at home in a samurai movie.  And that’s not even mentioning all the heart ripping and eviscerations. 

I liked the way director Ataru Oikawa (who also directed the original) slowly doled out the supernatural elements.  Some of these freaky moments work.  (Like the ear that becomes a crab, in a scene reminiscent of The Thing.)  Some of it doesn’t.  (What is the deal with Japanese horror movies and hair?  Hair isn’t scary in any language.)  Still, I was surprised how effective the majority of the shocks were.

Since I’m not familiar with the original, I can’t exactly say if this one lines up with the first one or how it stacks up to the sequels.  All I can say is that as its own self-contained horror flick, it works.  The plotline doesn’t follow a typical horror trajectory, and because of that, there are a few surprises in store.  (Then again, maybe not for someone who’s more familiar with the series).  I will say the movie zigs when you think it’s gonna zag, and really pulls out all the stops when it comes to the gruesome stuff.  

I dug it.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: MURDERCISE (2023) ***

In the ‘80s, a group of models and strippers arrives at a skid row studio to film a workout tape.  When one of the ladies is gruesomely murdered, the production decides to trudge along without her.  Naturally, more victims follow, and only the fittest will survive.

Murdercise is a throwback to the ‘80s horror fitness movies like Death Spa and Killer Workout.  The beginning, in which a hot busty babe aerobicizes and then takes a shower, combines the horror and workout video genres better than Horror Movie Workout did in its entire running time.  The workout scenes themselves are a fun send-up of the old aerobicize videos and are entertainingly cheeky on their own merits.  (In more ways than one.)  When it comes to the horror side of things, the film scores high marks as well.  There’s a healthy body count, plenty of blood, and a couple of genuine surprises.  (Not to mention a good amount of T & A.)  Heck, even your funny bone will get a workout from watching this as there are plenty of hearty laughs to be had.

The cast is also quite strong.  Everyone seems to be channeled into the movie’s quirky wavelength and are totally onboard for whatever is thrown their way.  Kansas Bowling is great as the goodie two-shoes dancer who slowly tosses her morals aside to get a bigger part in the workout video.   The scene where she tries cocaine for the first time and goes into a coke-fueled exercise jag is pretty damned funny.  Ginger Lynn Allen (who has a topless scene) also appears as the financier of the video who has Mob ties, but it’s Jessa Flux who takes the acting honors as the bosomy Candy.  The scene where she has a meltdown when everyone refuses to look at her admittedly luscious breasts is the comedic highlight of this fun flick.  (Don’t worry, Jessa.  Trust me, I was looking.)

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: HORROR MOVIE WORKOUT (2013) ½ *

After being suckered into watching Dustin Ferguson’s clip show of Dustin Ferguson movies parading as an actual movie, I Drip Blood on Your Grave, you’d think I’d be smart enough not to fall for the same trick twice.  Well, yes and no.  Horror Movie Workout isn’t a clip show of Dustin Ferguson movies parading as a horror movie.  It’s a clip show of Dustin Ferguson movies parading as a horror movie that ALSO has behind the scenes footage, trailers, and a music video tossed in there as well.  

It’s “hosted” by frequent Ferguson starlet Jennii Caroline who shows clips and does an occasional workout routine.  It all ends with Jennii inviting a bunch of her friends over for a slumber party.  Naturally, a slasher shows up to spoil the “fun”.

Throughout the film, we see clips from Escape to Black Tree Forest, The Legacy of Boggy Creek, 7 Down, Silly Scaries 2, and even a clip from I Drip Blood on Your Grave (under the title Holy Roller).  There’s also snippets from Doll Killer and a long scene that’s purportedly from Black Tree Forest 3, but it’s obviously just a home movie of someone on vacation at an amusement park.  Oh, and there’s also behind the scenes footage too, including bloopers of the cast and crew dicking around on location during the filming of Escape to Black Tree Forest, and trailers for Die, Sister, Die and Gloved Murderess.

Just when you think it can’t get any worse, we get a long scene of people sitting around and watching a lame music video in real time.  Let me tell you:  The only thing worse than watching a lame music video is watching other people watch a lame music video.

After a lot of talk and a long series of clips, we do finally get some nominal workout scenes of Caroline stretching and leading slashers in a round of calisthenics.  These scenes were obviously inspired by Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout and could’ve been fun if done right.  The problem is there’s not nearly enough of them to really justify the title.  In fact, the only thing that gets a workout is the audience’s patience. 

It also doesn’t help that many of these clips also turned up in I Drip Blood on Your Grave.  I think a lot of my restlessness was due to my overfamiliarity with many of these clips.  Your mileage may vary.  

Even with that caveat, Horror Movie Workout is a tough sit.  It’s only 45 minutes, but you’ll wish it was shorter.  One of the clips features a scene where the characters watch a clock on the wall.  You’ll be doing the same thing by the time it’s over.  Who says life doesn’t imitate art?

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN

As I’m sure you all remember, I am in the midst of trying to watch and review 365 movies on Tubi in 365 days.  As of October 1st, I am running behind by 22 movies.  I am also about two weeks behind on posting reviews, but I hope to get caught up real soon and eventually accomplish my goal of watching and reviewing a movie a day as part of the Tubi Continued… column.

The tradition in years past has been watching nothing but horror movies during the month of October as part of The 31 Days of Horror-Ween.  I’m combining both columns this year and calling it The 31 Days of Tubi-Ween.  I plan on not only watching 31 horror movies on Tubi during the month of October, but I also hope to make up those pesky 22 reviews I’m currently running behind on.  If not, I can always try to catch up during November’s annual Halloween Hangover column, which this year will be called Tubi-Ween Hangover.  

Will I ever catch up and meet my goal?  Tune in to find out!  

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #31: DEAD DUDES IN THE HOUSE (1989) **

(Streamed via Popcornflix)

A group of guys and their girlfriends buy a dilapidated house and try to renovate it.  When the asshole of the group kicks over the tombstone in the front yard, it awakens the ghost of an old woman who committed murder in the house decades before.  Whenever she kills one of the carpenters, they turn into killer wisecracking zombies who attack their friends and turn them into more… dead dudes in the house.  

Troma released this low budget horror flick and gave it a silly title.  Even though it wasn’t one of their in-house productions, the humor and gore is fairly consistent with their usual sensibilities.  The special effects, gore, and make-up (all handled by Ed French) are better than you might expect.  Hands are hacked off, people are skewered, and in the standout sequence, a guy is cut in half by a window.  

The granny killer (played by a guy in convincing old age make-up) is reasonably effective too.  She has a couple of memorable moments when she randomly appears and/or lurks just behind the heroes.  Too bad her hot daughter (who is also an evil ghost) doesn’t get nearly enough screen time.

Although Dead Dudes in the House certainly has its moments, much of the running time is an endurance test of the audience’s patience.  I mean half the fucking movie is devoted to never ending scenes of characters trying (and failing) to open doors.  Just when that becomes too much to bear, they take to trying (and failing) to open windows.  (You know, for variety’s sake.)  Seriously, if you played a drinking game and took a shot every time someone couldn’t open a door, you yourself would be a dead dude (or dudette) in the house at about the twenty-minute mark.  It also doesn’t help that too many of the characters are obnoxious and that the finale drags on for an eternity.  

AKA:  The House on Tombstone Hill.  AKA:  The Dead Come Home.  AKA:  The Road.

Well, folks, that will do it for this year’s 31 Movies of Horror-Ween festivities.  Stick around as there are plenty more horror reviews to come as Halloween Hangover will continue until the end of November.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #30: LORD SHANGO (1975) ***

(Streamed via Night Flight)

Lord Shango is a voodoo-themed horror-drama that was released in the midst of the ‘70s Blaxploitation craze.  Unlike many of those films, it doesn’t feel like it’s capitalizing on a thriving subgenre.  Instead, it’s an effective chiller in which the characters just so happen to be black.  

Femi (Bill Overton) is a voodoo practitioner who tries to prevent his girlfriend Billie (Avis McCarther) from being baptized in a river.  The congregation gets a little rough with Femi and he accidentally drowns when they try to “convert” him.  Things go from bad to worse when Billie’s stepfather Memphis (Wally Taylor) rapes her, causing her to leave town.  Her furious mother (Marlene Clark) then turns to a voodoo priest (Maurice Woods) to see that justice is done.  

Marlene Clark is excellent as her performance requires her to run a gamut of emotions.  She’s particularly engaging in her scenes with Lawrence Cook, who plays the town drunk, who just may know a little more than he lets on.  McCarther and Woods are equally good in tricky roles.  

I liked the way director Ray (The Last Porno Flick) Marsh resisted the temptation to lean into the horrific elements of the story.  Instead, he patiently allows characters to slowly seal their own fate with their actions. You probably won’t even mind that the horror is more subdued as the sometimes-icky family drama and strong performances are enough to keep you glued to your seat.  Not only that, but Lord Shango is a searing indictment of religious hypocrisy.  It’s also interesting the way Marsh contrasts elements of voodoo with Christianity, leaving the viewer to decide which of the two does more harm than good.  

Lord Shango probably runs on about ten or fifteen minutes longer than necessary.  However, this is one movie in which the marinade is more important than the meat.  It might move a little pokey in sports, but it’s a damned fine alternative to some of the schlocky Blaxploitation horror flicks of the era.

AKA:  The Color of Love.  AKA:  Soulmates of Shango.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #29: CURSE OF THE VOODOO (1965) ***

(Streamed via Raygun)

Director Lindsay Shonteff and his Devil Doll star Bryant Haliday reteamed for this effective voodoo thriller.  Haliday plays a smarmy great white hunter who kills a lion on sacred ground in Africa.  Since the local tribe worship lions as gods, they put a voodoo curse on him.  Once Haliday is back in London, he tries to reconnect with his estranged wife (Lisa Daniely).  It is not a happy reunion, however, as he is haunted by the witch doctor’s fiendish curse wherever he goes.  

Shonteff delivers a couple of solid sequences, namely the big game hunting scene which is accompanied by an almost humorously bombastic score.  Other memorable scenes involve Haliday going out for a midnight stroll and being menaced by the sound of a snarling lion, and when he is pursued by the apparition of the witch doctor on the streets of London.  The best scene is the terrific African dance sequence set in a London nightclub where a black dancer does what can only be described as the ‘60s version of twerking.  I would like to think the reason this scene goes on for so long was because Shonteff was trying to juxtapose the native dancing of Africa with the more modern dance of swinging London in the ‘60s.  More than likely, he just wanted to get lots of footage of the dancer shaking her moneymaker for all its worth.

With his pale, pockmarked face and devilish demeanor, Haliday is ideally cast as the big game hunter getting his just desserts.  He’s just as good at being an asshole in Africa as he is being haunted by specters in London.  Dennis Price also lends fine support as Haliday’s hunting buddy.  

What sets Curse of the Voodoo apart from typical voodoo-themed horror flicks is that much of the horror is psychological.  Yes, Haliday’s visions stem from the witch doctor’s curse, but they can also be seen as a metaphor for his alcoholism (many characters chalk up his increasingly erratic behavior to his drinking) and/or guilt.  Although the pacing sort of sags here and there (especially once Haliday lapses into a comatose state) and the final confrontation is a tad underwhelming, this is nevertheless an entertaining, low key horror flick that works more often than not.

AKA:  Voodoo Blood Death.  AKA:  Curse of Simba.  AKA:  Lion Man.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #28: DRACULA’S WIDOW (1988) ***

(Streamed via Freevee)

Two things I learned from the title of this movie:  Dracula’s 1) Married and 2) Dead.  Shit.  Had I known that, I would’ve sent flowers… to both the wedding and the funeral.  

All kidding aside, Dracula’s Widow was the first movie directed by Christopher Coppola, who would later go on to direct the immortal classic, Deadfall.  It would make a great triple feature of Late ‘80s/Early ‘90s Coppola Vampire Movies, alongside the Nicolas Cage-starring Vampire’s Kiss and Francis Ford Coppola’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula.  

Lenny Von Dohlen is the temperamental owner of a Hollywood wax museum who winds up receiving the remains of Dracula’s widow (Emmanulle’s Sylvia Kristel).  Before long, she bites him, makes him her familiar, and goes out into the night turning her victims into hamburger.  This is why you should always inspect your packages before you sign on the dotted line for them.

For a first-time feature, it’s pretty good.  Coppola bathes many scenes with lots of cool colors (many sequences are lit like a giallo) and gives the whole thing a look that’s a lot artier than you might expect.  Despite being the titular character, Kristel doesn’t seem to be in it a whole lot.  She doesn’t really look like she’s having a lot of fun either, but at least she looks great (even in her bad wig).  The biggest debit though is all the scenes with a hardboiled detective (Josef Sommer) investigating the murders, which aren’t exactly bad, it just feels like they came out of an entirely different movie.  

These quibbles are relatively minor in the long run.  For the most part, Dracula’s Widow is briskly paced, looks slick, and it contains lots of blood, guts, and gore.  Since Kristel is “both beauty AND beast”, she not only drinks the blood of her victims, but turns into a rubber-faced monster and eats them.  The highlight comes when she rips apart a bunch of Satanists during a black mass.  There’s also a solid bat transformation scene near the end which puts lots of today’s CGI crap to shame. 

AKA:  Lady Dracula.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #27: BLOODY MUSCLE BODY BUILDER IN HELL (1995) ****

(Streamed via Midnight Pulp)

Bloody Muscle Body Builder in Hell is basically a low budget, hour-long, shot-on-video Japanese remake of Evil Dead 2.  After reading that sentence, you should already know if you are the target audience for this sort of thing.  Even if you didn’t dig it as much as I did, you have to admit:  It has one of the greatest titles in movie history.  

Shinji (writer/director Shinichi Fukazawa) is a bodybuilder who takes his girlfriend and a psychic to investigate his father’s supposedly haunted house.  Before long, the vengeful spirit of his father’s former lover possesses the psychic and uses his powers to lock the couple in the house.  After being tormented endlessly by the possessed psychic, our hero eventually uses his love of weightlifting to smash the demon once and for all.

Some scenes follow Evil Dead 1 and 2 pretty closely, and the recreations are quite impressive considering the time and resources that were available.  Fans of Sam Raimi’s trilogy will enjoy these moments to be sure (everything from the headless corpse attack to the iconic “Groovy” scene is here), but I was even more impressed by Fukazawa’s original flourishes and twists on Raimi’s standbys just as much.  The eyeball stabbing scene is great, and the part where a necklace comes out a person’s mouth and digs into their eye is kind of freaky.  The film even manages to one-up Raimi when the dismembered hand fuses together with a severed head, creating a Bride of Re-Animator-esque creation.  Also, those who were always incensed that Evil Dead 2’s poster boy, the skull with human eyes, was nowhere to be found in that movie will be pleased that a very low budget version shows up here.

In front of the camera, Fukazawa mimics Bruce Campbell’s performance rather closely and nails many of his facial tics.  Weirdly enough, this was his only movie, and it’s sort of a shame.  Even though it’s clearly a riff on Evil Dead (I hesitate to call it a “rip-off” as it’s more of a homage than anything), his own unique spins on Raimi’s films are enough to make you curious what he might’ve been able to do with a completely original premise.  

“Sayonara, baby!”

AKA:  The Japanese Evil Dead.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #26: ADVENTURE AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH (1966) ** ½

(Streamed via Otherworlds TV)

Julia (Carmen Molina) and her boyfriend are taking a tour of a cave when they sneak off for a little hanky-panky.  They fall into a hole and her man is killed by a giant rubbery reptile.  A professor (Jose Elias Moreno) then gathers together an expedition to find the monster responsible.  

Directed by Alfredo B. (Santo vs. the Martian Invasion) Crevenna, this Mexican sci-fi horror flick suffers from a lot of padding.  The opening narration is especially longwinded, there’s an inexplicable musical number that brings things to a screeching halt, the diamond smuggling subplot goes nowhere, and the slow-moving scenes of the expedition traipsing through the caverns are likely to bore you.  The funniest form of padding comes during the hilarious scene where the professor preps his team for the journey by showing them footage from One Million B.C. and Unknown Island.  Usually, these kinds of films try to incorporate shots from other movies into the action, so it was nice to see monster fights from other flicks being passed off as “research” material.  

If you can get past the scenes of real animal cruelty and casual racism, you’ll be treated to some terrific rubbery monsters.  There’s a cool cyclops, a giant bat monster (who has a hilarious flying scene), and a big ass fuzzy spider.  The shots of the monsters’ eyes glowing in the dark are quite atmospheric and the monster attacks are even a little bloody.  Another memorable sequence occurs when the expedition is attacked by bats while perilously dangling above a lava pit.  

For a film filled with so much padding, it sure ends awful abruptly.  I mean, appreciate it when a movie wraps things up before it wears out its welcome, but it’s still a little jarring.  However, for all its faults, when the monsters are front and center, Adventure at the Center of the Earth is cheesy fun.