THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: A GHOST STORY (2017) **

You know, we’re only a week into The 31 Days of Horror-Ween and I decided I needed a little break.  After all the vampire clowns, horny bigfoots, and psychic Spocks I’ve been dealing with, I thought it would be nice to change things up and watch something a little classy.  I thought maybe a ghost movie starring an Oscar winner would be just the thing to wash out the taste of such cheap movies like Varan the Unbelievable and Gallery of Horror.  I was wrong.  The monster in Varan was a guy in a rubber suit.  The vampires in Gallery of Horror just had plastic fangs.  The ghost in this critically-acclaimed film was… are you ready for this?  Just a dude in a sheet.  Casey Affleck in a sheet, but still.  I kinda knew A Ghost Story wasn’t really horror, but I thought at least it would be good.  Nope. 

It mostly plays like a Terrance Malick soap opera.  A couple sits around talking, then there’s a random shot of the stars.  Then the couple mumbles for a bit.  There are shots of stuff that happen in real time, like someone hauling garbage to the curb.  Other shots of people remaining perfectly still feel even longer.  In fact, more than a few times I thought the streaming went out or my TV froze because no one was moving for so long. 

Anyway, Affleck dies.  He comes back as a ghost wearing a white sheet with holes cut out.  I’m not lying when I say he looks almost exactly like Charlie Brown on It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.  He comes back from the afterlife to watch over his wife (Rooney Mara), but all he gets to see is her doing mundane shit like washing her hands, doing chores, or stuffing her face.

You know, I kind of figured the afterlife would be like that. 

Mostly this is a movie about someone watching someone else.  Marvel as Affleck watches Mara go to work.  Thrill as he stares at her staring out the window.  The action highlight is when Affleck watches Mara eat a pie.  I don’t mean just a slice either.  I mean a whole pie.  I’m not making this up.

At least when Michael Myers wore a sheet, he stabbed someone. 

Not to worry, there is some mildly horrific stuff about halfway through.  It’s not really effective, but at least here the movie starts showing signs of a pulse.  As the movie goes on, it eventually becomes clear what director David (Pete’s Dragon) Lowery is trying to do, and quite honestly, it’s not a bad idea.  It’s just that the minimalistic approach is a bit too minimalistic for its own good.

What isn’t minimalistic is the scene where a bunch of squatters go in Affleck’s house and throw a party.  There, a random drunk dude endlessly pontificates a lot of nonsense about the meaning of life.  You know you’re in trouble when you have to rely on a random drunk dude to hammer home the message of the movie.  Honestly, I think we would’ve got the idea without his explanation anyway, so for a film so minimalistic, the monologue feels more like a gratuitous exposition dump than anything.

Quite honestly, A Ghost Story does get better as it goes along.  It’s kind of fun just to see Affleck trying to emote from under a bedsheet.  However, it never really grabs you.  Something tells me reading an oral history of The Pie Scene would be more entertaining than watching the actual movie.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: BAFFLED! (1973) **

Mr. Spock stars as a race car driver who has bizarre visions in the middle of a race, causing him to crash.  Susan Hampshire is a reporter specializing in psychic phenomenon who thinks his visions are of a murder yet to take place.  Together, they travel to England, piece together the clues from Spock’s brain, and try to prevent the murder before it can occur. 

The chintzy opening credits contain footage of what we’re about to see.  This isn’t a play on Spock’s psychic premonitions, but rather a dead giveaway this isn’t really a movie, but a failed TV pilot.  Despite the okay set-up and premise, like most ‘70s TV movies, there’s a lot of filler in the middle section that needlessly drags things out and get in the way of the fun.

Some of you may wonder why I included Baffled! as part of The 31 Days of Horror-Ween as it’s a watered-down TV movie.  Trust me, there’s enough genre clichés here for it to qualify.  There’s an elaborate murder plot, psychic battles, and a cult that may or may not be draining victims of their youth to keep their members eternally young.

The real reason I watched it was to see Mr. Spock badly miscast as a cavalier race car driver with psychic powers.  Yes, the horror elements are not what you would call overt, but how could I turn down an opportunity to see:   

1)    Mr. Spock drive a race car courtesy of some hilariously bad rear-screen projection. 

2)    Mr. Spock locked in a psychic battle of wills with a little girl. 

3)    Mr. Spock doing the old Austin Powers “That’s not your mother, it’s a man, baby!” routine.

4)    Mr. Spock having trippy psychic visions that make him look like he’s going through pon farr on LSD. 

5)    Mr. Spock telling someone, “Don’t be so emotional!”

The chemistry and banter between Spock and the prim and proper Hampshire is agreeable, if slight.  Their characters are really nothing more than a thin variation on the typical though durable Mismatched Detectives trope commonly found on TV.  Baffled! isn’t bad exactly, but it’s easy to see why it wasn’t picked up as a series. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: GALLERY OF HORROR (1967) **

I have a soft spot in my heart for anthology horror films, so of course I had to see at least one of them during The 31 Days of Horror-Ween.  When you consider the fact that it stars two of my favorite horror icons, Lon Chaney, Jr. and John Carradine, it was hard to keep me away from Gallery of Horror.  Even the fact the film was directed by legendary hack David L. (The Wizard of Mars) Hewitt couldn’t discourage me.  After all, Hewitt’s The Mighty Gorga is one of my favorite shitty monster movies, so why not take a chance on it?  As it turns out, it’s not bad.  It has all the cheapness that hallmarks Hewitt’s cut-rate productions for sure, but it’s all fairly watchable. 

Carradine is your host for the Wraparound (**) segments.  He stands in front of a cheap castle backdrop going on and on about curses and vampires and shit.  As much as I love Carradine, the movie didn’t really need these segments.  They’re mostly boring, longwinded, and go on forever.

The Witch’s Clock (**) is the first tale.  A couple buys an old mansion and find an antique clock in the basement.  Once they get it working again, an old caretaker (Carradine) shows up on their doorstep.  They offer him a job, but soon learn he has a hidden centuries-long agenda.

The tale starts off well enough, but the ending is abrupt and unsatisfying.  It wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t so rushed.  Heck, it might’ve even benefitted from more fleshing out.  The (mostly) one location setting doesn’t help matters any as the majority of the story feels cramped and stagey.  

In King Vampire (**), London is plagued by a series of ghastly murders.  Everyone believes it to be the work of a vampire, but the inspector on the case is convinced a human madman is to blame.  After mob justice results in the death of an innocent man, the “King” vampire finally reveals itself.

This story is supposed to take place in Victorian England, but the budget was way too small to pull off the effect.  Instead, most of the outdoor scenes are bathed in darkness to disguise the fact the budget couldn’t afford elaborate sets.  (Sometimes it’s just a bunch of people standing around a single old-timey lamppost.)  These scenes are just bad enough to be good for a laugh, and the English accents are flat-out terrible, which increases the hilarity.  Like the other stories, it unfortunately suffers from a weak twist ending.

The Monster Raid (***) is by far the best segment.  A scientist is too busy with his experiments to notice his wife is cheating on him with his assistant.  They plan to run away together, but first they must get rid of the good doctor.  The assistant sabotages the experiment, kills the doctor, and plans to steal his discovery. Little does he realize the experiment has given his mentor the power to rise from the grave and get revenge. 

The Monster Raid is similar in some ways to Roger Corman’s Poe movies and their use of garish colors.  It kicks off with a genuinely atmospheric moment when the scientist awakens from his tomb and has a number of fun moments along the way.  Not only did Hewitt manage to inject some chills into this entry, he also did a much better job with the period detail than in the previous stories.  There are countryside vistas, a horse-drawn carriage, and even some fine period costumes.  Heck, the cheap lab set is kind of cool.  I also liked the flashback structure, and the sinister narration is well done. However, as with the other tales, the resolution is too rushed to be truly satisfying. 

In Spark of Life (**), a doctor (Chaney) tells a pair of med students about the experiments of Dr. Frankenstein.  To test his theory, they try an experiment on a corpse and it winds up working all too well.  Unfortunately, they really should’ve checked to see just who they were reanimating before they started their experiment. 

This story is pretty standard and unremarkable.  It kind of plays like a half-assed variation of Re-Animator, minus the over the top gore.  Although the twist ending is predictable, Hewitt executes it decently enough.  The best thing about it is Chaney’s cantankerous performance.  You won’t believe him as a brilliant scientist for a second, but that’s part of the fun. 

Count Dracula (**) is the final tale.  Jonathan Harker comes to Dracula’s castle to close a business deal.  Their meeting is interrupted when an angry mob of villagers chase a woman in white claiming she’s a vampire.  Harker joins in on the hunt and we soon realize he has an ulterior motive for coming to the castle.

At first, it all seems like a Cliffs Notes version of the Bram Stoker classic before becoming something more akin to a Paul Naschy movie.  The period detail is better than King Vampire, and the graveyard set and fog-shrouded crypt are nicely done given the low budget.  Too bad Mitch Evans’ terrible performance as Dracula (not to mention the silly ending) pretty much sinks it.

The best parts are the animated scene transitions.  Within each segment there are cool page-turning effects which give the film a living comic book feel.   (These effects were later put to better use in Creepshow.)  I also dug the blood splatters and the bat transformations that were done courtesy of animation.  These little touches can’t save the movie, but they do give Gallery of Horror a certain charm.  

AKA:  Gallery of Horrors.  AKA:  Return from the Past.  AKA:  King Vampire.  AKA:  The Bloodsuckers.  AKA:  Dr. Terror’s Gallery of Horrors.  AKA:  The Witch’s Clock.

TOMB OF TORTURE (1966) ***

Tomb of Torture opens with an atmospheric credits sequence highlighted by some cool camerawork.  As the camera glides along the corridors of a creepy decrepit castle, it builds up a growing sense of dread, culminating with a nice little stinger.  The opening sequence is equally awesome as the movie wastes no time getting right down to business. 

Two girls sneak into a castle where they don’t belong and are captured and taken to the torture chamber by a giggling deformed hunchback with a fucked-up face.  After killing one girl, he puts her friend on the rack and tortures her.  Then the plot begins. 

A mentally fragile girl named Anna (Annie Alberti) believes she’s the reincarnation of a dead countess.  Her father, a know-it-all shrink (Adriano Micantoni) takes her to stay at the countess’ castle as a form of shock therapy to disprove her claims.  It doesn’t take long before Anna’s seeing visions of the countess, cackling skeletons, and suits of armor walking around all by themselves.

One of the many cool things about Tomb of Torture is the beautiful sepia-tint cinematography.  It helps to give a film that’s already loaded with atmosphere an added dreamlike feel.  (There’s a distinct Mario Bava vibe throughout the picture.)  Anna’s nightmare/freak-out scene looks particularly badass thanks to the visual flourishes of director Antonio Boccaci. 

Even though it was released in 1966, there’s just enough skin here to be provocative without really revealing too much.  The only things we get to see are bare legs, midriffs, and shoulders but it’s all done in such a sleazy way that it often feels more exploitative than it really is.  These moments are contrasted by the lighthearted (and genuinely funny) comedy bit where our romantic love interest (Marco Mariani) has a meet-cute with Anna while she is skinny-dipping.  It’s a little reminiscent of Last House of the Left how it goes from balls-out horror to over-the-top comedy on a dime, but it still manages to work somehow.  This sequence is accompanied by comedic music like you’d hear in an old Charlie Chaplin movie, which adds to the overall effect.  

It’s here however when Tomb of Torture kind of loses a little steam.  Once Mariani begins investigating the goings-on in the castle, the breakneck pacing begins to flag.  The ending is a little contrived too, but there’s still enough cool shit here to make it worthwhile for horrorhounds everywhere. 

Micantoni gets the best line when he tells a cop, “You’ve been drinking!  A good enema is what you need!”

SANTO VS. THE GHOST OF THE STRANGLER (1966) ***

Immediately after the events of Santo vs. the Strangler, the Strangler’s body is picked up from the crime scene and taken away in the meat wagon.  His beefy assistant sneaks in, kills the morgue attendant, and steals his body from the freezer.  After carrying him through a series of subterranean tunnels, he arrives at his secret lair and revives his master.  The Strangler goes back to his old ways, playing piano like Phantom of the Opera before his assistant fashions him a mask made of human skin so he can go around and wreak more havoc.

Naturally, the only man in all Mexico who can stop the Strangler’s reign of terror is the famous masked wrestler, El Santo!  

The idea of the Strangler wearing human skin masks instead of the latex ones in the original is kind of creepy.  His scarred visage under the masks is pretty cool too.  I also liked the fact that he kept his victims sitting around a roulette wheel.  Returning director Rene (Santa Claus) Cardona doubles down on the atmosphere and gets a lot of mileage out of the tunnel and graveyard sets.  He also gives us plenty of wrestling scenes that showcase El Santo’s lucha libre skills.

As with Santo vs. the Strangler, it has a lot of musical numbers that act as filler.  At one point there are four numbers back-to-back-to-back-to-back that really have no bearing on anything.  I could be hard on the movie because of this.  However, if you have to make a sandwich, fold some laundry, or file your taxes while watching the movie, this is an excellent time to do so because you’ll miss absolutely nothing.

Speaking of missing something, I did kind of miss the nutty flavor of its predecessor, but this is a much more competent and atmospheric picture all around.  There’s a great bit where El Santo catches the Strangler and his partner doing a bit of graverobbing.  He tries to stop them, but they knock him unconscious and bury him alive!

In fact, El Santo spends a lot of the picture getting knocked out and trapped by the Strangler.  In addition to the buried alive scene, the Strangler also shackles him underneath a hydraulic press and sends him down a trap door into a gas chamber.  Not to worry El Santo fans!  These traps are easily escapable, allowing him to get back on his feet and kick some major ass in seemingly no time at all.  These scenes also help give this entry a decided Saturday matinee serial vibe, which is much appreciated. 

Viva El Santo!

AKA:  Ghost of the Strangler.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: NIGHT OF THE DEMON (1983) ****

When I was compiling a list of movies to watch this month, I sort of figured the majority of them would be bad.  Heck, I was kind of counting on it.  Let me tell you, I was completely floored by just how awesome Night of the Demon was.  It is one of the grimiest, grossest, grindhouse-iest movies ever made.  Not only that, it is far and away the greatest Bigfoot flick of all time.  

A professor (Michael Cutt) wakes up in a hospital with bandages on his face.  Everyone wants to know what happened to him, so he relates a series of flashbacks.  First off, some inconsequential guy gets his arm ripped off by Bigfoot.  I don’t know if that was something the professor actually witnessed or just some cool-ass shit to kick off the title sequence, but that was some pretty groovy gory goodness.  

During the title sequence, you’ve got to listen to a lot of flute-led smooth jazz while a bunch of dull white people that look like they stepped out of a JC Penney catalogue walk around endlessly.  Then, the plot begins.  The professor watches recovered home movie footage that convinces him Bigfoot is in his woods.  One of his classmates tells a story about a couple banging in the woods being attacked by Bigfoot.  (If you’re keeping score, this is a flashback inside of a flashback, which makes it even better… and there will be many more to follow.)

This sequence is incredible.  Bigfoot interrupts the couple while they’re getting it on inside their van.  The heavily-bosomed woman watches, mouth agape as what’s left of her lover’s bloody body slides down the windshield while she repeatedly screams, “Oh!  Oh!  Oooh!  Oh!” before dying of fright.  This is truly some funny shit.

The professor then takes his students into the woods looking for Bigfoot.  When Bigfoot steals their boat and leaves them stranded, they go looking for help in the form of the mute “Crazy Wanda” (Melanie Graham) who lives in the woods.  She’s mute on account of the fact the Bigfoot raped her and when she had Bigfoot Jr., her Christian father killed it at birth, so the enraged Wanda burned him alive.  Yeah, I guess I wouldn’t talk much neither after all that.  Now, Bigfoot occasionally leaves her trinkets he finds in the woods (possibly lifted from his victims), which I guess makes it kind of like a warped version of Bigfoot alimony.

You know how most Bigfoot movies he’s portrayed as a missing link type thing?  In this one, he’s basically a furry Jason Vorhees.  That description is quite accurate when you consider he kills someone while they’re in their sleeping bag.  This sleeping bag death puts the one in Friday the 13^th Part 7 to shame.  

The gore in this thing is off the chain.  Bigfoot uses an axe on a lumberjack, makes two Girl Scouts stab themselves to death, and there's gut-ripping and eyeball-popping too.  It’s the scene where Bigfoot rips a guy’s dick off that is the real showstopper.  

In short, Night of the Demon is the movie The Legend of Boggy Creek should’ve been.  They actually have a lot in common.  Both contain scenes of the local yokels being interviewed about the legend of the monster.  It even shares the same flashback-heavy structure Boggy Creek had.  However, unlike Boggy Creek, it’s got lots of T & A and gore.  That is to say it’s the greatest Bigfoot movie ever made.  

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: VARAN THE UNBELIEVABLE (1962) * ½

Myron Healy stars as an American military man stationed on a Japanese island.  His assignment is to pump a bunch of chemicals into the sea to help the locals refine their drinking water.  Of course, in doing so, Healy’s experiments wind up awakening a giant prehistoric monster. 

So, what’s so unbelievable about Varan?  Plenty!  Let’s start with the incredibly shoddy way the whole thing was put together.  Like the original Godzilla, Varan the Unbelievable is a Toho monster movie directed by Ishiro Honda that was taken by an American studio (in this case, Crown International) who added Americanized scenes of American actors and integrated them with the original plot.  What is shocking about Varan the Unbelievable is how little of the original is left.  Most of the focus is on Healy’s various problems than anything.

What’s more, the footage doesn’t even match!  The lighting, camerawork, and locations are so different that it quickly becomes painfully obvious it was the work of two entirely different crews (from two entirely different nations, no less).  Yes, this process is nothing new, but wait till you see just how carelessly it was cobbled together.  A child could easily tell it’s two different movies stitched together in slapdash fashion.  (Sometimes the original footage appears and disappears so rapidly it almost seems subliminal.)

What else is unbelievable?  How about the fact that they don’t even call him Varan!  They call him “Obake”!  I guess Obake the Unbelievable just didn’t have the same ring to it.

Want to know something else that’s unbelievable?  The print.  It’s one of the worse pan-and-scan crop jobs I’ve ever seen.  Actually, it isn’t even fair to call it “pan-and-scan” because it doesn’t even pan and scan.  Instead, it hops back and forth; sometimes several times within the same shot.  It’s jarring to say the least. 

Another thing unbelievable about Varan is that it takes a half hour before he even shows up.  Till then it’s a LOT of stuff of Myron Healy hanging out on an island.  We’re talking Dullsville here. 

On the plus side, Varan himself is really cool.  He’s the only thing in the movie worth a damn.  He kind of looks like Godzilla, but with a spikier back.  Most of the time, he stomps on two legs, but sometimes he crawls around on all fours like a dog.  Too bad he spends much of his time on an island, so there’s no real buildings for him to smash.  Instead, he causes rockslides and steps on Jeeps.  (You have to wait until the last fifteen minutes to finally see him work over Japan.) 

Apparently, in the original Japanese version Varan flew.  Us stupid Americans unwisely cut it out.  I mean, let’s face it.  Even if the flying effects were bad, at least it would’ve been something different to separate him from the rest of the pack.  At least the ending is interesting because the Japanese are unable to kill the monster, just wound it enough so it goes back into the sea.  I kind of liked that.  Kaiju détente.  However, it would take Varan six years to show up on screens again when he cameoed in Destroy All Monsters.