KILLER CROCODILE 2 (1990) **

A real estate developer is building a new resort in the same Caribbean swamp where the killer crocodile once roamed.  He promises all the toxic waste has been removed from the area, but a reporter (Debra Karr) is wary of his claims, so she teams up with the hero of the first movie (Richard Anthony Crenna) to find out the truth.  Before long, the now fully grown spawn of the original killer crocodile is on the loose and chowing down on would-be tourists. 

Even though this sequel has a shorter running time than the original, it feels even longer.  That’s because it’s chockfull of boring scenes that go nowhere and only get in the way of the killer croc doing his thing.  It also stinks that it takes half the running time for Crenna to show up.  I’m not saying he’s a great actor or anything.  What I am saying is that Karr will grate on the nerves for the first half of the picture.  When they finally get together, things improve somewhat.  The romantic banter between the two is terrible (The African Queen this is not), but Karr’s seduction scene is so patently ridiculous that it’s worth an extra Half Star in my book.  

This first chunk of the flick feels like a bunch of padding in search of a movie.  Flashbacks to the original also help to eat up a lot of screen time.  While many of the attack scenes lack the fun of the first film, the scene where the killer croc chomps down on some Catholic schoolboys is pretty funny. 

If you can get through the gratuitously padded first half, you’ll be rewarded with some seriously silly shenanigans.  The finale almost singlehandedly saves it.  The way director Giannetto De Rossi (the man who created the special effects for the crocodile in both the original and the sequel) cuts back and forth between shots of Crenna on top of the giant rubber croc to shots of an action figure attached to a bath toy crocodile is hilarious.  Oh, and if you thought your jaw dropped during the killer croc’s demise in the first movie, wait till you get a load of its death in this one.

I can’t say Killer Crocodile 2 is a “better” movie than the original.  It’s really slipshod in just about every department.  However, that last twenty minutes is something special.  I can’t really recommend either of them, but if you took the best parts from each film and edited them together into one hour-long YouTube video, you’d definitely have a classic on your hands. 

KILLER CROCODILE (1989) **

A bunch of ecologists head into a swamp to investigate reports of toxic waste dumping.  They soon discover the toxic waste has caused a crocodile to grow to ridiculous size, and it wastes little time turning the eco-friendly eggheads into a hot lunch.  They turn to the local bigwigs for help, but since they’re all corrupt, they only want to keep a lid on things.  Eventually, the environmentalists turn to a crusty big game hunter to help take out the killer croc. 

Killer Crocodile is a gloriously dumb Jaws clone that unfortunately is only intermittently amusing.  Although there are some obvious thematic similarities between the two pictures, the place the film really rips off Jaws in is the music department.  Composer Riz Ortolani is known for his often-beautiful scores, but here, he just blatantly steals most of John Williams’ theme to Jaws with only minor variations. 

There are some fun bits to be sure.  Director Fabrizio (the Thunder Warrior trilogy) De Angelis isn’t above showing the croc in all his rubbery glory, which certainly helps.  The opening unrelated croc attacks are cheesy, and the ending is flat out stupid, and I mean that in the best way possible.  Too bad much of the movie is so sluggishly paced.  

The scenes of the ecologists trying to convince the local honchos the creature should be protected are a tad surprising though.  This is the only unpredictable stretch of the movie.  It might’ve been memorable if the heroes successfully campaigned to keep the monster alive.  It wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun, but it would’ve set it apart from the glut of other killer animal flicks.  Luckily for the audience, the characters eventually come to their senses and decide to kill the sucker. 

Despite that novel little twist, there’s just too many lulls in the action to make Killer Crocodile recommended.  Fans of Animals Gone Amuck movies and/or Italian horror hounds are sure to find something of value here.  It’s just that the highlights are few and far between.

AKA:  Murder Alligator.

RUNNING WITH THE DEVIL (2019) **

Running with the Devil is Traffic Lite.  (Or is that Lite Traffic?)  It’s a multi-character dramatization of the world of drug trafficking that contains multiple plotlines that occasionally intersect.  We follow the growers in Columbia, the kingpins in America who import it over the border, the dealers and users on the street, and the federal agents who are trying to bust them. 

After an hour or so of back and forth between characters on both sides of the law, something of a plot begins to form when a street-level hood (Laurence Fishburne) and a high-end importer (Nicolas Cage) team up to deliver a shipment.  Predictably, they soon learn they can’t trust each other.  I like both actors very much, but unfortunately, this potentially potent pairing fizzles quickly as the duo unceremoniously and abruptly go their separate ways. 

All this is kind of by the numbers.  The fractured narrative isn’t especially involving, and the film only gets more muddled as it goes along.  (The final reel is particularly choppy.)  What’s more, you have to contend with a lot of annoying title cards that pop up on screen every time a new character is introduced with nicknames like “The Cook”, “The Man”, and “The Agent in Charge”.  This is a trend that seldom works in goofy DTV action flicks and it seems out of place in a well-intentioned (though severely lackluster) DTV drama.

The good cast keeps you watching.  Leslie Bibb does a fine job as the Fed fighting a futile war, Fishburne is a lot of fun as the wild-eyed dealer with big-time ambitions, and Clifton Collins, Jr. lends some depth to the flimsily written role of a drug farmer.  Most of us will pop this on because of Nicolas Cage, but sadly, he is way too subdued to make it all worthwhile.  His bland character is firmly rooted in Cage’s Everyman Schlub Mode.  Walking with a stoop, wearing glasses, and flatly delivering his lines, Cage kind of gets lost in the shuffle among the countless other bit players and guest stars. 

If you’re looking for Cage’s usual high energy theatrics, you will no doubt be disappointed.  However, you may enjoy Fishburne’s flamboyant performance.  He is by far the most memorable character in the bunch and is clearly having a blast with his sleazy character.  However, whenever Fishburne isn’t on screen, Running with the Devil is running on empty.

THE WOMAN WHO SINNED (1991) **

I’m guilty of watching something solely because it features a certain actor or actress I’m fond of.  This one has several.  We have Tim Matheson, Claudia Christian, Michael Dudikoff, John Vernon, and the late, great Dick Miller.  As an added bonus, it stars TV soap opera legend Susan Lucci, whom I’ve always admired.  Their combined talents aren’t quite enough to elevate this otherwise standard issue TV movie, but I’m still kind of glad I watched it. 

Lucci is accused of killing her best friend.  The problem is, she was cheating on her husband (Matheson) with a hunky, but unstable photographer (Dudikoff) at the time.  When he mysteriously disappears, it leaves Susan without an alibi, making her the prime suspect.  With her court date rapidly approaching, she’s forced to play amateur detective to prove her innocence. 

After a strong set-up, The Woman Who Sinned slowly devolves into a routine TV Movie of the Week thriller.  It suffers from the typical pacing problems that are inherent in these sorts of things, and the plot is pretty predictable too.  We do get one clever edit that announces the untimely death of a character, but for the most part, it’s forgettable in just about every way. 

The film remains watchable thanks to the more than capable cast.  Lucci adeptly carries the movie with her charismatic presence.  She is especially good in her domestic scenes with Matheson, who does a fine job in the thankless husband role.  Their chemistry together helps make their flatly written domestic scenes bearable.  Dudikoff makes for a decent psycho, although the confines of the TV Movie of the Week genre prevent him from really sinking his teeth into the role.  While it’s nice to see Vernon and Miller popping up, I wish had more to do.  Still, their very appearance helps to set The Woman Who Sinned apart from its Made for TV contemporaries. 

AKA:  Mortal Passion.

GRAND ISLE (2020) *

Nicolas Cage hires an out of work ex-military man played by Luke Benward to fix his fence.  A hurricane hits while he’s in the midst of repairs and the hapless handyman finds himself stuck in Cage’s unwelcoming abode for the night.  While there, he must contend with Cage’s vamp of a wife (KaDee Strickland from Anacondas:  The Hunt for the Blood Orchid) who is dead set on putting the moves on him.  Naturally, it doesn’t take long for Cage to make his own proposition to Benward:  $20,000 to off his wife.

Grand Isle is a humdrum, dreary, and lifeless Southern Gothic thriller.  The pacing is inert, the situation is improbable, and the tension is nil.  It takes place mostly in one location, although that seems less like an attempt at claustrophobic atmosphere and more like a cost-effective way to keep the budget in check.

Even though Grand Isle graces us with the presence of a white trash mulleted Nicolas Cage, he curiously manages to underplay the role, which yields little entertainment value.  Even surefire can’t-miss lines like, “So, uh, tell me how long has it been since you had your, uh, COCK sucked?” never really register because he doesn’t seem Cagey enough to make it work.  And trust me, if ever a movie needed some Cagey weirdness, it’s this one.  

You know it’s bad when Kelsey Grammer chews more scenery than Nicolas Cage.  Sporting a thick southern drawl, Grammer shows up as a lawyer in the film’s tiresome framing device.  (It’s one of those “character relates flashbacks from a police holding cell” movies.)  Strickland is nice to look at and all, but she is woefully miscast as the southern belle with a screw loose.  It also doesn’t help that Benward is so goddam bland that he blends in with the wallpaper.  The scenes where Strickland tries to seduce him just lie there because there isn’t a hint of chemistry between them.  

I’m not saying Cage has to chew the scenery in every movie in order for it to be considered praise-worthy.  What I am saying is that if he’s starring in something as bad as this one, his hyperbolic histrionics will at the very least give the film a crutch to lean on when the going gets rough.  And brother, is the going ever rough in Grand Isle.

AKA:  Trapped.

THE KILLING HOUR (1983) ** ½

A serial killer with a penchant for handcuffing his victims is on the loose.  As the detectives on the case look for clues, a trashy TV host named Mac (Riptide’s Perry King) exploits the murders for ratings.  Meanwhile, a clairvoyant art student (Elizabeth Kemp) discovers she has the power to draw pictures of the murders before they happen.  She soon becomes torn between helping the cops with their investigation and appearing on Mac’s show to help draw out the killer. 

The Killing Hour opens with a string of murder set pieces that feel like they came out of an Italian giallo.  These sequences are strong and help to grab your attention, but the rest of the movie is sort of dawdling.  It helps that the film is populated with quirky characters.  The cop (Norman Parker) who vies with King for Kemp’s affections is pretty memorable.  When he isn’t searching for the killer, he’s at the local comedy club polishing up his stand-up act.  (He does a lot of lousy impressions too.)  I also enjoyed Kenneth McMillan as the cranky police captain, who in a funny scene hassles a coroner for a Band-Aid. 

The film is decidedly less entertaining when it becomes a love triangle between Parker, King, and Kemp.  Also, the murders that occur later in the picture aren’t nearly as stylish or effective as the ones that kicked things off.  However, the draggy middle section is somewhat redeemed by the decent twist ending, although the final confrontation with the killer leaves something to be desired. 

This was director Armand Mastroianni’s follow-up to He Knows You’re Alone.  You can see him building on and expanding upon the themes from that film as it feels like grown-up version of a slasher movie masquerading as cop thriller.  (Or vice versa.)  It doesn’t quite work as either, but the cast is strong enough to keep you watching.  Both King and Parker are quite good in the two leads and the supporting cast is better than you’d expect from this sort of thing.  Kemp is really the only weak link as her character feels more like a plot device than an actual human being.  

Despite its flaws, The Killing Hour isn’t a bad way to kill some time.

AKA:  The Clairvoyant.  AKA:  The Killing Kind.  AKA:  American Killing.

RICK SLOANE DOUBLE FEATURE

HOBGOBLINS  (1988)  *

Hobgoblins is the worst Gremlins rip-off of all time, and this is coming from someone who has a soft spot in their heart for Gremlins rip-offs.  It makes Critters seem worthy of a Criterion release in comparison. 

A night watchman at a movie studio discovers the titular beasties while making his rounds.  These little furry monsters make their victims live out their wildest fantasies before killing them.  He stupidly lets them escape from the studio vault, and his friends almost get killed by the little boogers.  The Hobgoblins then take over his uptight girlfriend, who suddenly has an urge to strip at a sleazy club called “Club Scum”.  He and his buddies have to rescue her before she becomes the next casualty of the cretinous creatures.   

Writer/director Rick Sloane has made a career out of making crummy low budget movies.  I can’t say I hate everything he’s done.  I’m one of the staunchest defenders of Vice Academy you’re likely ever to find.  However, trust me when I say that Hobgoblins is among his all-time worst.

If Slone concentrated his efforts on the monsters themselves, it might’ve worked.  Unfortunately, he spends an inordinate amount of time on the annoying teenage characters and their allegedly humorous shenanigans.  The leads are amateurish, shrill, and get on your nerves almost instantly.  The only memorable cast member is Duane Whitaker (who would later to go on to have an infamous part in Pulp Fiction), who plays “Road Rash”, the Club Scum bouncer.  

Even as a fan of Gremlins cash-ins, I have to say Hobgoblins fails on just about every level.  There are just too many scenes here that run on forever and have little to no payoff.  (The extended garden tool duel scene being a prime example.)  The exorbitant exposition in the pre-credits scene could’ve also been trimmed down or taken out altogether.

It’s a shame too because the monsters are kind of cute.  They’re easily the best thing about this turd.  The fact that they are hand puppets is painfully obvious more often than not, but I’ve certainly seen worse creatures, that’s for sure. 

AKA:  Goblins.

THE VISITANTS  (1986)  ½ * 

A nerdy teen discovers his weird neighbors are actually aliens.  Desperate for a good grade in science class, he steals their ray gun and gives it to his teacher to study.  Naturally, his extraterrestrial neighbors want it back.  They eventually wait for Halloween night to retrieve the gun so they can move about the neighborhood freely without being noticed. 

The Visitants is Rick Sloane’s riff on ‘50s Sci-Fi movies, done with zero style, wit, or budget.  Man, if you thought Sloane’s Hobgoblins was bad, wait till you get a load of this.  It’s not nearly as blatantly obnoxious as that film was.  In fact, it’s a lot more innocuous, which is somehow even worse.  Even though Hobgoblins was awful, at least stuff happened in it.  This on the other hand is boring and forgettable.  The film lumbers on for a painful 92 minutes, and just when it feels like it’s wrapping things up, it continues on for another ten agonizing minutes.  

I know this is an early entry in Slone’s oeuvre, so I guess I should be kind of lenient as it’s obvious the man was still learning his craft (although whether he ever truly mastered it is up for debate).  However, even early on in his career, his shortcomings are evident.  As with Hobgoblins, there’s a lot of padding.  The opening sequence runs on far too long. and there’s a Halloween party scene that feels like it goes on for an eternity.  The actors are even worse than the ones in Hobgoblins (if you can believe it), with the teenage characters being particularly annoying.  The humor is also weak, even by Sloane’s low standards, and the finale is awful.  The alien creature is especially pathetic.  (The rubber mask rattles around on the actor’s head.)

In short, I can’t say I’ll ever again work up the courage to revisit The Visitants.